The Whitest Kids U' Know 1x6

1. Ask your doctor about suicide.

2. - Hi, I'm Trevor Moore.

3. Did you know that it's illegal to say,

4. "I want to kill the President

5. of the United States of America?"

6. It's illegal. It's a federal offense.

7. It's one of the only sentences

8. that you're not allowed to say.

9. Now, it was okay for me to say it right then

10. because I was just telling you that it's illegal to say...

11. - "I want to kill the President

12. of the United States of America."

13. - I'm not actually saying it.

14. I'm just letting you know that it's illegal to say that.

15. It's kind of like a public service.

16. I'm letting you know so that you don't accidentally

17. go out and say something like that.

18. Um, but what's interesting is that

19. it's very illegal to say...

20. "I really, really think someone out there

21. should kill the President of the United States of America."

22. - That's illegal.

23. Extremely illegal.

24. Very, very illegal.

25. But not illegal to say,

26. - "With a mortar launcher."

27. - Because that's its own...

28. sentence. It's an incomplete sentence,

29. but it may have nothing to do with the sentence before that.

30. So that's perfectly fine, perfectly legal.

31. I also found out that it's incredibly illegal,

32. extremely illegal, to go on television

33. and say something like,

34. - "The best place to fire

35. a mortar launcher at the White House

36. would be from the roof of the Rockefeller Hewett Building

37. because of minimal security,

38. and you'd have a clear line of sight

39. - to the President's bedroom."

40. Insanely illegal!

41. Ridiculously, recklessly, insanely illegal.

42. Yet even more illegal to show an illustrated diagram.

43. - Insanely illegal!

44. Ridiculously, horribly felonious.

45. 'Cause they will come to your house

46. in the middle of the night and they will lock you up.

47. Extremely against the law.

48. One thing that is technically legal to say is that...

49. - "We have a group

50. that meets Fridays at midnight under the Brooklyn Bridge,

51. and the password is sic semper tyrannis."

52. Falling back into formation.

53. Let's all keep lookout for the MiGs about 1,300 feet below.

54. Mayday! Mayday! I got a bogey on my tail!

55. I don't know where this guy came from.

56. He's running me good. I need your help.

57. Sit tight, Cloud Pony, I'm en route.

58. My dogs are barking. I need backup.

59. - Pow! Got him.

60. Thanks, Air Dragon. I owe you one.

61. Sure you do.

62. Yeah, that's right.

63. You owe me another one, actually.

64. Yeah, you're a good pilot and a great wingman.

65. Seems like every time we get airborne,

66. there's a bogey on your tail and I bail you out.

67. Well, I guess.

68. It seems like every time I do you say,

69. "Thanks, Air Dragon, I owe you one."

70. Well, I owe you one. I'd do the same for you.

71. Well, I never get bogeys on my tail.

72. I just seem to keep them off yours.

73. Well, you're a better pilot than I am.

74. And clearly a better friend.

75. What's that supposed to mean?

76. Well, you're a great cook.

77. What's that have to do with anything?

78. Well, did you ever think that getting me back

79. doesn't have to be shooting bogies off my tail?

80. What?

81. You know, my wife, Ling Pi, and I are lonely.

82. We'd like some company every now and then.

83. We can't have kids.

84. I didn't know you and Ling Pi couldn't have kids.

85. Yeah, why do you think I call her the Yellow Barren?

86. I thought it was an aviator thing.

87. No. Maybe you owing me one could be paid off

88. by a nice sit-down dinner for the little lady and I.

89. Oh well, that's no problem.

90. Do you two want to come over for dinner sometime?

91. No, not now.

92. I want you to invite me over because you mean it,

93. not because I said something about it.

94. I don't want your pity.

95. The Barren and I aren't desperate.

96. Oh, no.

97. Air Dragon. Mayday! Mayday! I got a bogey on my six.

98. I got a bogey on my six. I need your help, buddy.

99. I read you loud and clear.

100. You want something else from me?

101. Listen, do you and Ling Pi

102. want to come over for dinner tomorrow?

103. Not now.

104. You have to ask me when I'm not expecting it.

105. It means more.

106. I could die here!

107. Hey, Rick?

108. Yes?

109. Hey, I was wondering if you and Ling Pi

110. would like to come over for dinner tonight.

111. I don't know, I'll have to check

112. with Ling's chemo sessions to see if she can fit it in.

113. Well, me and Barbara would really love it if you could.

114. Well, that sounds very nice. Thank you.

115. - Hey, Rick? Yeah?

116. I got a bogey on my six.

117. Sure thing. Let me get that for you, buddy.

118. Thanks, man.

119. - Hey, Darren. - Trevor.

120. How's it going?

121. Pretty good. Really good, actually.

122. - Yeah? - Yeah.

123. Yeah, I just got this new car wax for my car. It's amazing.

124. Oh, that's really cool.

125. Yeah, it's like so shiny, like the reflection—

126. I'm just joking. That's not really cool, that's boring.

127. So do you want to go to this party we're going to later?

128. A party?

129. Yeah, it's going to be a lot of fun.

130. Sarah from Accounting, she's got this new loft

131. and she's having a housewarming party. It should be great.

132. Okay. Well, who's all going?

133. Bill, Bill from Accounting, He's also going to be going.

134. Rick from the seventh floor.

135. Hey, remember that girl from the office Christmas party?

136. She's going to be, uh, going to it.

137. And it's um, the—should...

138. What?

139. Dude? Okay, that's— okay, I get it.

140. That's gross, though. That's not how you do that.

141. That's not how you do that.

142. You're doing it too slow. Stop.

143. It's real fast and then you stop, okay?

144. That's disturbing. I can visually see—

145. Trevor, what's up, man?

146. Dude, that's...

147. - Dude, that's not— - Oh, dude, that's not...

148. That's not how you do that gesture.

149. - Are you serious? - Okay?

150. You just do it fast and stop, that's it.

151. Dude, you're grossing me out, okay.

152. And stop making eye contact, that's creepy too.

153. - Dude! - Oh, dude!

154. That is not cool. You are crossing a line.

155. You never do that! You don't do that.

156. Yeah, you're putting an image

157. that I don't want in my head right now.

158. That's not how you do— Dude, no, no!

159. You never make 'em touch, man. That's not cool.

160. That's not how you do it.

161. Dude, what are you— Don't finish! You never finish.

162. Dude, that's disgusting!

163. You've ruined my day.

164. I'm telling the boss.

165. Boss!

166. Boss!

167. Hey, Bill!

168. Hey, Bill!

169. Bill! Hey, Bill!

170. - Hey, Dave. - Hey!

171. Dave, shh. - What's going on?

172. Shh. - Come on.

173. Wendy's sleeping.

174. Come on, man.

175. What?

176. Don't wake her up. Come on, let's go.

177. Race War.

178. Race war?

179. Come on, Bill. Race War.

180. What do you mean?

181. Didn't we always talk about wanting to do that?

182. I don't remember that at all.

183. Come on, Bill. Race War.

184. You can be Captain. I'm going to be Sergeant.

185. No.

186. Oh, is that Wendy?

187. Yeah, you woke her up.

188. Tell her I said hey.

189. Is she still mad at me?

190. Yeah, she is.

191. Come on, man. Race War.

192. Bring her. No, don't bring her.

193. She's—what is she? She's...

194. Italian.

195. Yeah, don't bring her. Hey, you want to get her?

196. No! - You like her, that's right.

197. No, no! - That's right.

198. Come on, man.

199. Well, don't tell her, she might tell the Italians.

200. Dude.

201. It's the same race.

202. As what?

203. Us. - What?

204. Yeah. - No.

205. Yeah.

206. We're American.

207. Kind of.

208. - What are you? - English.

209. Ah!

210. That's American.

211. There's one!

212. Come on, Bill, I'm gonna get that guy. I'll come back.

213. He was in a truck. Couldn't get him.

214. - Hey, Charlotte! - Hey!

215. I love your party.

216. Everyone is so trendy.

217. I know. Thank you.

218. Yeah, and I love how you have that Asian guy here.

219. I know, isn't he great? I found him at a record store.

220. - Score. - Yeah.

221. And your apartment is like, oh my God, beautiful.

222. Thank you, my grandmother died.

223. - Score! - Yeah.

224. And this must be the new beau, huh?

225. Yeah. Barbara, I'd like to introduce you to Bob.

226. Or as you might know him, Bigfoot.

227. Oh, you're that famous monster truck driver

228. I've heard so much about.

229. Pleasure to meet you.

230. Nice to meet you.

231. - Aw! - Well, I must say, Charlotte,

232. it looks like you've got quite the catch.

233. It's clear here that I have the catch.

234. I mean, they don't make them like Charlotte anymore.

235. I'm just glad that this little lady took a liking to me.

236. Oh, you are so cute.

237. Dump her and marry me! Dump her and marry me!

238. You should dump her, and then you should marry me.

239. - Sure. - Charlotte...

240. Bob and I are going next weekend down to...

241. Florida!

242. Oh my God, that is so exotic!

243. Yeah. I thought we'd go down to

244. one of those beach resorts, spend some time on the...

245. - Oh my God.

246. What? - What is it, baby?

247. Oh my God. It's Grave Digger.

248. What's Grave Digger?

249. Grave Digger's a rival monster truck driver.

250. I have two monster truck drivers at my party?

251. Trendy!

252. No, it's not like that.

253. Bigfoot and Grave Digger are sworn enemies.

254. Hello, Bigfoot!

255. Grave Digger, what are you doing here?

256. Oh, I heard there was a monster party,

257. so I thought I'd truck on by.

258. Should have known you'd be here

259. when I saw your Grave Digger monster truck in the driveway.

260. There's not room enough for the both of us at this party.

261. For once, Bigfoot, I agree with you.

262. Come on, Bob, let's go.

263. We'll just get in your monster truck and we'll leave.

264. Buckle up, Charlotte.

265. Better listen to the woman, Bigfoot.

266. As for me, I think I'm going to walk over to

267. the other side of the room and

268. try some of that delicious punch.

269. Oh, that is some delicious punch.

270. Oh, my table!

271. Oh! Mercy me. I seem to have left quite a wake

272. of carnage and destruction in my path.

273. Sorry.

274. It's okay. It's just a little mess.

275. - Oh look, a bookshelf. - What?

276. I wonder if they have that book I read.

277. No, Bob. Please.

278. Curious, curious, curious. Nope, don't got it.

279. You stepped on my Asian!

280. Oh, look at this.

281. Looks like I left a battlefield

282. of mangled metal and flesh in my wake.

283. - Not bad. Not bad.

284. But I'm getting an urge.

285. An urge to jump that bookshelf over there.

286. No, not my books, no!

287. A nine foot vertical jump.

288. Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!

289. - What? No! - No!

290. Grave Digger!

291. No!

292. Impressive, Grave Digger, impressive.

293. But I, too, am getting an urge.

294. An urge to jump through that plate glass high rise window,

295. five stories in the air.

296. No, Bob, you'll die!

297. Yeah, Bigfoot, I think you actually better

298. listen to the woman this time.

299. I'm getting ready!

300. Bigfoot don't. You win. You win.

301. Bigfoot!

302. - No! - Bigfoot, no!

303. Dropping down to 30 aught Niner, Alpha, Bravo.

304. Dropping. Hold for pressure.

305. Permission to engage rear thrusters.

306. Permission to engage rear thrusters.

307. Engaging rear thrusters.

308. Hey.

309. Look.

310. What?

311. What? It's a sandwich.

312. So what? It's a sandwich.

313. No. Look what kind of sandwich it is.

314. A deli sandwich.

315. No. Look what kind of sandwich it is.

316. A hoagie?

317. No, what's another word for hoagie?

318. It's a...

319. Let's show Carl. Let's show Carl. Let's show Carl.

320. - Carl, Carl, Carl, Carl. - Carl.

321. - Carl, look what it is. - Yeah.

322. Look.

323. What? It's a sandwich. I'm busy.

324. Look what kind of sandwich it is.

325. Yeah, what kind of sandwich is it?

326. I don't know, it's a hero.

327. Guys, we're dropping in depth. I need to focus.

328. No. What's another name for a hero?

329. Look what sandwich it is.

330. Where did you get that?

331. That's amazing.

332. - Dude! Yo! Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve.

333. Holy shit!

334. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

335. - Oh, man. - Whoa!

336. Oh no!

337. Bob, that was definitely not a deer.

338. You gotta get help.

339. All right, just hang tight, man. We're gonna get help.

340. - We're gonna get help right now. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, Bob.

341. Let's take a minute to think this thing through.

342. What's there to think about?

343. Oh, I don't know.

344. A man is shot, we have guns,

345. and you want to go get other people?

346. Yeah, we gotta notify the authorities.

347. See, those are the exact people

348. that I wouldn't really want to be here, Bob.

349. That's why we need to think this out.

350. Please, it hurts so bad. I don't wanna die.

351. Okay, look, we've got to get him medical attention.

352. I'm the one who shot him.

353. Whoa, whoa, whoa, Bob. Admission of guilt.

354. Ix-nay on the "I'm the one that shot him"-ay.

355. Well, what are we supposed to do?

356. I shot him and he's going to die.

357. See, you see, "I shot him."

358. I see we're on a hill

359. that's obviously crawling with hunters.

360. Hunters who no one knows who they are

361. because it's not as if they had to sign a guest registry

362. to get up here and a man happens to be shot.

363. Maybe it was a suicide.

364. Who knows?

365. Maybe an OD.

366. What are you talking about? He's shot right in the gut.

367. Bob, you seem like a nice man. Please go get some help.

368. Ooh, he knows your name, Bob. Time to make a decision.

369. Okay, shut up.

370. All right, look, let me think about this.

371. What are we supposed to do?

372. Well, I could bring the truck around.

373. Yes, that's a good idea.

374. And I could lay on the horn for a very long time.

375. What are you talking about?

376. Do I have to spell it out for you, Bob?

377. You want us to kill him?

378. No! Don't kill me!

379. Help!

380. Bob, from now on,

381. let's have this conversation in whispers.

382. Look, no way. I can't kill somebody.

383. What do you mean, Bob? You're already halfway there.

384. You don't even have to shoot him again.

385. Just a quick heel to the temple.

386. You're sick! You are sick!

387. Help! Help!

388. He's crawling away, Bob. He's crawling away.

389. He's accelerating the deadline.

390. Time to make a decision. Time's running out, Bob.

391. Shut up!

392. I won't crawl. I won't crawl.

393. Listen, I'm a very wealthy man.

394. Wealthy men mean good lawyers, Bob.

395. The decision's getting easier all the time.

396. I have children. I have three sons at home.

397. Three sons grow up to be three grown men, Bob.

398. Grown men with vendettas against their father's murderer.

399. Help! Jesus!

400. Uh-oh, Bob. He's getting Jesus involved.

401. Better hurry, it takes Jesus 4.5 seconds to get to Earth.

402. All right, shut up, all right?

403. It's time for me to stand up and face the music.

404. Look, buddy, you're gonna be okay.

405. All right, I'm gonna go get a doctor, all right?

406. Just stay there.

407. Look up here.

408. Look up here. Look at me.

409. All right. Hold it.

410. My name's Jerry.

411. Hi, Jim Biederman.