The Whitest Kids U' Know 1x5

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If You Think The Dating Show Where Do Babies Come From? Ghost Tea Bag Girl Sympathy Ghost Tea Bag 2 You're Peeing on My Leg John Wilkes Booth

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1. If you think of a purple elephant,

2. this bunny will die.

3. If you think of an orange zebra, this dog will die.

4. And this man will die if you think of a cheaper,

5. more efficient way for our nation

6. to use its national resources.

7. Or naked women.

8. - Hey, Dad? - Yes, son?

9. - Where do babies come from? - What?

10. Where do babies come from?

11. Well, uh...

12. from inside of your wiener.

13. What?

14. Inside your wiener, there's all these little eggs.

15. - That's gross. - Yeah. It's pretty gross.

16. Yeah. Well, how does that turn into a baby?

17. Well, you find yourself a girl

18. and you put your wiener in her,

19. and then you squish all your eggs out.

20. Well, do you, like, pee in her?

21. Yep.

22. Then the eggs grow into babies and then she pushes 'em out.

23. - Like with her poop? - Yeah, pretty much.

24. Well, if she doesn't push 'em out,

25. will the babies get too big and crawl out of her mouth?

26. Probably. Geez, never thought about that.

27. Well... well, what do babies eat when they first come out?

28. Uh, boobs.

29. - Did I eat boobs? - Yep.

30. - Gross. - Yeah, it's pretty gross.

31. So you have eggs inside of your wiener

32. and then you pee 'em in a girl

33. and then that turns into a baby and then she poops it out

34. and then it eats boobs?

35. Yep. That's about it.

36. My real dad said he doesn't want me

37. coming to the park and talking to you anymore.

38. That's okay, I'm really not supposed

39. to be hanging out with little kids anyway.

40. - Wow.

41. Welcome.

42. Welcome to Esmeralda's House of Clairvoyance.

43. I'm curious if I'm gonna get a promotion at my job this week.

44. Relax. Make yourself comfortable.

45. Okay, just let me see your right hand.

46. - Yeah. - Okay.

47. Interesting. Very, very interesting.

48. I'm starting to see into your future,

49. but I'm having a hard time focusing

50. specifically on your job.

51. I'm really sorry.

52. Just let me gather my sight just for a second here, okay?

53. Wow. You have a lot of spirits around you.

54. - I do? - Yeah, yeah.

55. Spirits are attracted to certain people's auras and, uh,

56. you have six, seven spirits around you.

57. - Whoa, cool. - Yeah. Yeah.

58. They all seem to be having a really good time.

59. - What? - Nothing.

60. No. What's funny, what?

61. - Nothing. - Wait, wait, wait.

62. - What were you laughing at? - You know, it's really dumb.

63. Tell me, tell me.

64. One of the spirits has his balls on your head.

65. What?

66. You know that thing with friends when you go up

67. behind somebody and you just plop your balls on their head?

68. He's tea-bagging me?

69. - Kinda sorta, yeah. - Right now?

70. - Yeah. - Right now he is?

71. Yes, he is. But you want—

72. - Is he still? - Yes.

73. But you wanna know about your job?

74. No. I wanna deal with this now.

75. Well, you can't even feel it.

76. No, I don't care. Make him stop.

77. - Is he still? - Yes, he is.

78. - Right now? - Yes, but—

79. Make him stop, please.

80. Spirit, why are you doing this to this man?

81. What? Did he stop?

82. No.

83. Now he's just pretending to all the other spirits

84. that your head feels really good on his balls.

85. Gross. No, no, I don't like that.

86. Make him stop. Make him quit.

87. Spirit, why are you doing this to this man?

88. What did he sa—

89. - what did he say?

90. - What did he do? - Oh.

91. Well, now he did that thing, you know when you grab

92. the skin of your balls and you hold it up so it looks

93. like a bow tie, but really it's just his balls on your head.

94. I know it's his balls! No!

95. - Yeah, I don't know. - Is he still doing it now?

96. - Yes. - Did I get him—what?

97. - No. - How long has this

98. been going on?

99. Spirit, how long have you been doing this?

100. Oh, three weeks.

101. - Three weeks? - Yeah.

102. Three weeks he's got his balls on my head!

103. - Are you serious? - Yes.

104. Is there like a potion or some sort of chant

105. or something we could do?

106. No, no. That would really have nothing to do with this.

107. The spirit just thinks that it's really funny

108. to have his balls on your head.

109. - Is he doing it now? - Yes.

110. I don't know how I'm gonna function in life

111. knowing I'm being tea-bagged by a ghost.

112. Oh, he stopped.

113. - He did? Yeah.

114. He stopped. Mm-hm.

115. Really?

116. - You're lying to me! - Look, it doesn't matter.

117. It matters to me! Great.

118. I am so glad I came to this bullshit palm reading.

119. Well, don't you wanna know about your promotion?

120. I have phantom gonads on my forehead.

121. I have bigger fish to fry.

122. You're gonna get it.

123. Fuck you!

124. Oh, my God, you guys.

125. Brian's being, like, really weird to me.

126. I mean, he just got back from this ski trip

127. and he's just been really strange.

128. I dunno if maybe, you know, we've been together

129. for three months and now we're sort of on the downhill.

130. Or maybe I'm just overanalyzing everything

131. 'cause it's that time of the month.

132. - I'm on my period.

133. You're on your period.

134. - Oh! - She's on her period.

135. - Aw! - Yeah.

136. You're on your period. You're on your period.

137. I'm on my period too, guys, and when I'm on it—

138. - Yeah.

139. When I'm on my period, my boobs get really sore.

140. Oh, your boobs get sore when you're on your period.

141. My boobs get really sore when I'm on my period

142. and I get really moody.

143. It's like an emotional rollercoaster.

144. Oh! An emotional rollercoaster. Ups and down.

145. Peaks and valleys.

146. Boobs are sore. On your period.

147. I get so upset when I'm on my period.

148. And then my boyfriend just makes things worse

149. 'cause he'll only talk to me on the phone for a half an hour.

150. Only half an hour? Emotional rollercoaster.

151. Ups and downs. Boobs are sore. On your period.

152. My boyfriend only talks to me for half an hour.

153. - Only half an hour?

154. Because he has better things

155. to do with his life!

156. So by cutting our staff in half,

157. we can literally double our salaries.

158. It's like a game of chess.

159. You keep your eye on your opponent

160. and just when he doesn't expect it, you fire your secretary!

161. Checkmate, bam! It's so easy.

162. Don't you see?

163. By firing them, we can take all of their cash for us.

164. PlayStations for everybody. Bam!

165. Timmy, you're fired.

166. Bam. It's just that easy!

167. All right, let's just get down to these numbers.

168. If you take a look at the numbers,

169. you can clearly see that, um...

170. If you just check out the figures

171. for the October quarter...

172. Um...

173. Zach.

174. What do you think about the numbers in the October quarter?

175. You can see them.

176. You can see them. You have the sight.

177. These goddamn ghosts have had their balls on my head

178. for the past six and a half weeks!

179. I can't sleep. I can't eat anything.

180. They don't leave me alone and I hate it!

181. - Zach. - What?

182. You have a little something in your teeth.

183. I think it's lettuce.

184. That's the kind of crazy attitude we need

185. here at Clear Tech to bring us into the future.

186. How does Senior Vice President Zach sound?

187. Thank you, ghosts. Thank you.

188. I say, sir, you seem to be peeing upon my leg.

189. Huh? What's all this?

190. Good sir, you seem to be peeing upon my leg.

191. Ha! Well, it seems to me

192. that your leg's in the way of my pee stream.

193. Yes, yes, well, I'm sure you would find if you would just

194. kindly angle your pee stream a fraction to the left,

195. that it would find its way to the ground

196. quite uninterrupted.

197. Yes, and I'm quite sure that if you'd but move your leg

198. a fraction to the left,

199. you would find it would cease to be peed upon.

200. Yes, yes, yes, yes. But my leg was here first.

201. Yes, and still I pee.

202. It appears we're at an impasse.

203. Yes, I see, but you'll eventually run out of pee

204. of which to expel upon my leg.

205. Thus leaving me the victor in this little battle.

206. - Ah. - Touché. Touché.

207. And yet you merely delay the inevitable.

208. 'Cause eventually that water bottle will be rendered dry

209. and your bladder will follow in turn.

210. - I say, boy. - Yes, guv'nor!

211. Be a good chap, run down to Booby's Water Pub.

212. Return here with a half liter.

213. If you're good lad and steady

214. there'll be more employment where that came from.

215. Uh, I say, boy, I'll give you a whole two pence

216. not to run to Booby's Water Pub

217. and instead to go home and mind your studies.

218. Oh boy, my studies.

219. You get thee to Booby's Water Pub

220. or I'll box your ears!

221. - Right. - Right.

222. And still I pee.

223. Yes, yes, you still pee. And I still stand.

224. And I can stand here all night for I am unemployed.

225. - As it is with me. - Ah-ha!

226. Then you shant long afford this errand boy

227. to supply you with your future pee stream.

228. I shall offer him sexual favors.

229. Sexual favors? But he's just a boy.

230. - But we are British. - Touché.

231. And yet you overlook something.

232. How do you plan to perform these sexual favors you intend

233. to promise this boy, if your genitalia is indefinitely

234. committed to the act of peeing upon my person?

235. I happen to know that the child enjoys golden showers.

236. Ah-ha!

237. Then his face will have to interrupt your pee stream,

238. thus freeing my leg of its flow.

239. Ah! The boy shall take up the act of peeing upon your leg

240. and I, in turn, will pee upon his face.

241. You clever devil. The game is on.

242. It's a gentleman's challenge. May the best man win.

243. Mr. President, would you like anything

244. before the second act begins?

245. Yeah, I would love a Diet Coke, please.

246. And I will have a birch beer.

247. She'll have a diet birch beer. Thank you.

248. Oh, honey, by the way, I almost forgot.

249. Congratulations on winning the Civil War.

250. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah.

251. It had some ups and downs, some peaks and valleys.

252. But I'd say all in all, as wars go,

253. - I think it went pretty well. - That's great.

254. Yeah.

255. You know I ran into Ulysses today.

256. - How is he? - He's doing very well.

257. You know, we should have him and Charlotte S. Grant

258. over for dinner sometime.

259. Totally. Totally.

260. Oh, and I heard from Becky, who heard from Gloria

261. that the British are going to invade again.

262. - Really? - Yes, Gloria heard it

263. at her bridge club.

264. At her bridge club.

265. Yeah, you might wanna think about attacking them

266. or something.

267. Yeah, I'm not really worried about that, Mary.

268. Well, you weren't really worried about the South

269. seceding from the Union either and look what happened there.

270. I was worried about that. That's all I, oh, ho, ho, ho!

271. Sic semper tyrannis.

272. Ow! What does that mean?

273. What is that, a phone book?

274. - Sic semper tyrannis. - Security!

275. Hey, what's the problem over here?

276. This guy just wandered in and he hit me

277. - in the head with a phone book. - Hey, is that true?

278. Why don't you stay out of it?

279. - What did you say to me? - Nothing.

280. - Get outta the theater! - Make me.

281. I'm sorry about that, Mr. President.

282. Everything okay?

283. - My head hurts. - All right.

284. Well, enjoy the show, okay?

285. Let me know if you need anything.

286. - Gosh. - Well, that was interesting.

287. You know, you shouldn't just write off

288. what Gloria has to say.

289. She has a knack for these sorts of things.

290. I'm not gonna invade England, Mary.

291. Well, just think about it.

292. I'm not gonna think about it, all right?

293. Can we change the subject?

294. How are you enjoying the play?

295. - I like plays. - I know you do.

296. Oh, by the way,

297. are we still going to go to the Wagner's for dinner

298. tomorrow evening?

299. That's tomorrow evening?

300. I don't even know why I tell you anything, Abe.

301. You know, you'd forget your own butthole

302. if it wasn't glued to the back of your balls.

303. Mary, language, geez. Oh!

304. Sic semper tyrannis.

305. Ow! What is that, an orange?

306. - Security! - What?

307. Hey, hey, I told you to—gah!

308. Asshole!

309. Oranges really hurt.

310. - I told you so. - You told me what?

311. I told you last year.

312. You told me last year some guy was gonna hit me in the head

313. - with an orange? - Obviously you don't—

314. Sic semper tyrannis.

315. - Hey! Hey! - Ah-ha!

316. - Security! - Hey. Hey, get outta here!

317. Jeez. Douche bag.

318. - That man is a troublemaker. - He threw my hat away.

319. Forget about it, Abe.

320. But I always wanna wear that hat now.

321. Forget about the hat, Abraham.

322. But I want that to be my thing. I told you.

323. Well, you still have the beard, okay? That's good enough.

324. Just be quiet and relax

325. and let's watch the rest of the play, okay?

326. Now that guy's wearing my hat.

327. Shh.

328. What are you doing? You look like a crazy person.

329. I don't know if you've noticed, Mary,

330. but there's a man who's been assaulting me lately.

331. - It's shoe time! Shoe!

332. - Security! Ow! - Hey, buddy!

333. I told you to get out of the theater.

334. I got out of the theater, then I came back in the theater.

335. Yeah, I see you got back in the theater.

336. You're gonna march your ass right back out of the theater.

337. I'm gonna march out of this theater, then come back

338. with a gun and shoot this guy in the head.

339. - You don't got the balls! - Ah, nuts to you!

340. Get the fuck outta the theater!

341. Hi, Jim Biederman.