The Whitest Kids U' Know 1x4

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Scarin' Babies Saturday Did You Date European History: 1620 Crying White Castle European History: 1769 Opposite Day Lawyer Funeral Request European History: 3024

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1. Hey there, little guy.

2. Did you know that by the time you're ready to go to college,

3. tuition will be between 60 and 70,000 dollars a year?

4. Or that scientists predict that within your lifetime,

5. global warming will completely melt the polar ice caps

6. and severely damage the entire planet's ecosystem.

7. - It's Saturday! - David!

8. It's Saturday!

9. - Saturday! Saturday! - David, David.

10. It's Saturday!

11. It's Saturday! It's Saturday! It's Saturday! Yeah!

12. It's Saturday!

13. David, do not shoot my car!

14. It's Saturday!

15. David Thomas Mitchell, get in this house immediately.

16. I don't care if it's Saturday.

17. You're not my mom.

18. I'm your wife.

19. Do not make me come over there.

20. Every single weekend.

21. Yeah! Yeah!

22. It's Saturday!

23. Ha ha! Yeah!

24. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! It's Saturday! It's Saturday!

25. Hey, whoa! Whoa! Uh!

26. It's Satur—

27. Do not shoot your meatloaf.

28. Just a minute.

29. Hello?

30. Hello, are you Mr. Bill Fernald?

31. Yeah.

32. And did you by any chance date one Kimberly Robinson,

33. sophomore year at Jefferson County High School?

34. Yeah, I dated Kimberly.

35. En garde!

36. - Yah, yah, yah! - Whoa!

37. - Yah, yah, yah! - Dude! Dude! Dude! Stop!

38. - Dude, what is wrong with you?

39. I'm gonna call the police.

40. I'm dating Kimberly now!

41. Okay, so?

42. So you're on the list!

43. Stop! What are you just going around

44. trying to fight everybody that dated Kimberly?

45. Every last one of 'em.

46. That's crazy.

47. Well, Kimberly is the love of my life.

48. She's the first real girlfriend that I've ever had.

49. And she's worth fighting for!

50. Dude, look, all right, look, look, little guy,

51. little guy, little guy, little guy.

52. Nobody is trying to steal your girlfriend, all right?

53. Fiancée, if everything goes as planned on Saturday.

54. Nobody is trying to steal your fiancée, okay?

55. I'm gonna let you go.

56. I just can't live in a world

57. where I know that there are other men out there

58. that my darling Kimberly might've kissed with.

59. Does Kimberly know you're here?

60. Let me ask you something, man, come here.

61. Just let me ask you, come here, come on.

62. Did you and Kimberly ever...

63. did you ever, you know,

64. like, do kissing?

65. Yeah.

66. Oh my God, oh God.

67. - Whoa. - Oh my God.

68. - Are you all right? - Oh, God, God, God.

69. - You okay there? - Oh my God.

70. Whoa! You need to calm down.

71. You need to calm down.

72. - How many times? - What?

73. How many times did you— did you kiss her?

74. Look, dude, I don't know.

75. You don't know? Oh my God, that's so many times, oh God.

76. - Oh God, oh! - Whoa. Whoa.

77. Do you need a beer or anything?

78. Did you and Kimberly ever...

79. did you ever do kissing while you were—

80. while you were both lying down?

81. Are you gonna spazz out again?

82. I don't know, but did you?

83. Well, yes.

84. Murder!

85. - All right. Whoa!

86. Dude, dude.

87. Hey, guys!

88. Ladies and gentlemen,

89. we didn't really know how to end this sketch.

90. Writing endings is really hard.

91. So instead, we decided to use this time

92. to help out the DVD sales.

93. Megan, if you don't mind.

94. For those of you watching at home, this is all blurred out.

95. But on the DVD, it'll be uncensored.

96. Oh my God.

97. Honey, hop around a bit, will you?

98. That's right, The Whitest Kids U'Know,

99. coming soon to DVD.

100. I've seen a naked girl now.

101. European history, 1620.

102. Uh, I'm so bored.

103. Me too, Running Bear.

104. I hate all these trees.

105. We should chop 'em down and burn 'em.

106. We should set this whole country on fire.

107. Yeah.

108. Hello, Indians.

109. Who are you?

110. We are the Europeans.

111. We come in peace to share this land in harmony.

112. Yes.

113. No deal, we're gonna burn this whole country down.

114. We're bored, we're gonna burn it for Satan.

115. Now, Indians, don't burn America.

116. Now, now, Zach, they were here first.

117. This is their land,

118. and they can do with it what they please.

119. You are right, I apologize, Indians, we'll be going now.

120. No deal, you gotta fight us first.

121. Yeah, for Satan.

122. There's no need to be rash, Indians.

123. We're getting in our boats and we're leaving.

124. If you go back without killing us all,

125. we're gonna follow you back to Europe

126. and rape all your babies.

127. Then we're gonna rape all the babies in the world.

128. Dear merciful God,

129. please forgive us for the task we are about to undertake.

130. You know that we Europeans are a peaceful race.

131. We want not to do battle,

132. but for the good of virgin babies everywhere...

133. And non virgin babies.

134. and worldly babies, we must to arms.

135. - Amen. - Amen.

136. Now, whoever loses has to go live on reservations.

137. Forever.

138. Now, Indians, there's no need for that.

139. Whoever loses can simply

140. go on living peacefully with the winner.

141. No deal!

142. Very well. En garde!

143. Zach, what's wrong?

144. You've been acting like this all night.

145. Okay, I have something I have to say to you right now,

146. and I'm—I'm pretty afraid of how you might react to it,

147. so I'm just gonna say it.

148. Okay.

149. A couple weeks ago at the office,

150. I got this tingling feeling in my right hand,

151. and I didn't know what it was.

152. I didn't really think about it.

153. And I got up to go to the bathroom

154. and splash some water on my face.

155. And, and then I... I just woke up on the floor.

156. Zach, why didn't you tell me this?

157. Okay, 'cause I didn't wanna upset you.

158. I didn't... I didn't know what it was,

159. and I didn't wanna make a big deal before we figured it out.

160. So I made an appointment right away with Dr. Johnson

161. um, and he said that I should get an MRI.

162. Okay, so?

163. Okay, so yesterday I went in and I got—I got an MRI and,

164. and the results came back today and...

165. and I have a brain tumor.

166. Zach!

167. I just really need you right now.

168. And I—if you got scared and you left—

169. I'm here for you, all right?

170. You're not gonna leave me?

171. No, I'm not gonna leave you baby,

172. you're crazy, I love you.

173. Oh, thank God, thank god!

174. It's gonna be okay, all right, I promise.

175. I was so scared that you're gonna leave me!

176. It's fine, we can take care of this.

177. We're gonna get a second opinion.

178. There's nothing they can do!

179. Oh my god!

180. There's nothing they can do!

181. Oh my god! Don't leave me!

182. I'm not gonna... Don't leave me!

183. Should I—should I come back?

184. - Should I come back?

185. No, no, it's fine.

186. Would you like to hear our specials this evening?

187. Sure, whatever.

188. Tonight we have a lovely salmon dish

189. that comes with a white wine sauce,

190. it's been very popular this evening.

191. We also have a clam chowder that gets rid of brain tumors

192. and a pasta dish.

193. Wait, what was that?

194. We have a lovely salmon filet that comes—

195. No, not that, the other one.

196. Oh, the clam chowder that gets rid of brain tumors.

197. Does that work?

198. Yes, very well.

199. Well, I wanna eat that!

200. That's what I want, I want that.

201. Okay, and the lady?

202. Well, I'll have that too.

203. Two clam chowders and we'll be right out with your meal.

204. Well, I really like this restaurant!

205. Yeah.

206. Yesterday I, I ate a White Castle cheeseburger

207. through a straw just to see if I could do it.

208. It was the darkest moment of my whole life.

209. European history, 1769.

210. Africa sucks, it's so boring.

211. Yeah, there are way too many lions.

212. I hate living in a country where there's too many lions.

213. Yeah, we have to find some way to leave.

214. Yeah.

215. Hello, Africans.

216. Just popped in for a visit.

217. We've brought you a cake.

218. They got boats!

219. Take us on your boats back to America.

220. Well, we'd love to take you Africans with us to America,

221. but I'm afraid we don't have large enough boats

222. to accommodate all of you.

223. Well, go back to Europe and build bigger boats

224. and take us all.

225. Hurry!

226. And I suppose it would take a much, much larger boat.

227. Well, get to it, little fella.

228. Doesn't have to be that much bigger, we can all cram.

229. But I was supposed to take this month

230. to go on holiday with my family.

231. No deal.

232. Yeah, and when we get to America, we want jobs.

233. Well, I suppose we could get you

234. some cultivation work for a meager salary.

235. We don't want money.

236. We just wanna live at your houses.

237. You know, like crash.

238. But my house is for me and my family.

239. Well, build us another house on your property.

240. You pushy Africans are asking quite a lot.

241. Now, now Zach, that's not the European way.

242. Now come on Africans, let's make some history together.

243. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury.

244. We have heard ironclad evidence.

245. We have heard eyewitness testimonies.

246. We have watched surveillance footage.

247. We have even been read the signed confession

248. by Mr. Pickle Copter himself,

249. admitting that on the night of May 30th,

250. he did in fact murder his pregnant wife

251. and dump her body in the Oak Ridge quarry.

252. In a minute, you folks are gonna get up.

253. You're gonna go in that jury room,

254. you're gonna return here with a verdict.

255. Before you do, I want you to take a minute right now,

256. and I want you to think,

257. I want you to think about poor Mrs. Pickle Copter.

258. I want you to think about that baby she never got to have.

259. They're not here to speak for themselves today.

260. That's your job, thank you.

261. All right, the prosecution rests.

262. The defense will now make its closing statement.

263. Pffft.

264. Hi.

265. Um.

266. I'm not gonna stand here and bore you with the details

267. of who probably killed who.

268. The prosecution has done an excellent job

269. at laying out the case against my client.

270. I just wanna say that,

271. wouldn't it be crazy if, despite all that evidence,

272. you guys still came back with a not guilty verdict?

273. Think about it, it'd be crazy, it'd be huge news.

274. It'd be on all the news channels in the country.

275. Everyone would want to get an interview with you.

276. Everyone would be like, why'd you make that decision?

277. You—you'd probably have to get your own press secretary.

278. - Objection! - All right, Mr. Lawyerstein,

279. I'm not gonna allow you to sit here and bribe the jury.

280. I'd like the jury to ignore

281. all the defense's previous statements.

282. As would I.

283. Good, good.

284. It's a fair call.

285. It's a fair judge.

286. I'm glad we're playing that way.

287. I'm proud to say that that was a test and you all passed.

288. Let's just move this along, sir.

289. Okay, I've said my piece.

290. In a second, you guys are gonna go back there

291. and decide guilty or not guilty,

292. but as you're about to write down your verdict,

293. I feel it's my duty to inform you

294. that in exactly five seconds,

295. it will officially become opposite day.

296. Objection!

297. Hey, Mr. Lawyerstein,

298. I will not allow that mental trickery in my court.

299. I would like the jury to know that it is not,

300. in fact, opposite day.

301. That's not right, Your Honor.

302. Lawyerstein, you tell these people

303. that it's not opposite day.

304. It's not opposite day.

305. Thank you.

306. You're not welcome, Your Honor.

307. Hey! Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

308. it is not opposite day.

309. Whatever verdict you come back with

310. will be literally interpreted as the verdict.

311. Do you guys not get that?

312. Hey, I will hold you in contempt.

313. Uh, thank you, I mean, boo.

314. Sit down.

315. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

316. I apologize for all of this.

317. I would like you to ignore everything

318. that Lawyerstein has said here today.

319. I assure you it is not opposite day.

320. Does everyone understand?

321. Are there any questions?

322. Yes.

323. So, it's not opposite day?

324. Son of a bitch.

325. Kenny, let me take a shot.

326. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the defense is wrong.

327. It's not opposite day.

328. - George, what are you doing? - I got this.

329. However, opposite day doesn't start in five seconds.

330. Five, four, three, two,

331. - one. - One, jinx.

332. Personal jinx, you can't speak till I say your name.

333. Hey Lawyerstein, I will hold you

334. - in contempt. - In contempt, double jinx.

335. Ha ha, neither of you can speak till I say your names.

336. All right, now we're gonna do court my way,

337. the Lawyerstein way.

338. All right, music up.

339. Aha! All right, ladies, tops o—

340. All right.

341. And kids, I don't know what time it is there,

342. but right here it's 4:20.

343. Ah! 420! Uh! 420!

344. Uh! 420! Uh! 420! Uh!

345. The Whitest Kids U'Know, coming soon to DVD Uncensored.

346. Can I ask you a favor, man?

347. Yeah.

348. You're one of my best friends and...

349. when I die, I want you to tie a string around my body

350. and turn me into a marionette at my funeral

351. and reenact all the major events of my life.

352. All right, man.

353. European history, 3024.

354. Mars is boring.

355. Yeah, there's no air or cable.

356. Yeah, all we do is count rocks and eat rocks.

357. I hate this super advanced civilization

358. that lies just below the planet's surface.

359. Yeah, I wish someone would come along

360. and turn our bodies into fuel.

361. Yeah.

362. Hello, Martians.

363. Who are you?

364. We are the Europeans and we come in peace

365. to teach you the ways of agriculture

366. so that your planet might flourish.

367. No deal, we want you to double-cross us

368. at the Intergalactic Peace Summit,

369. then develop a way to grind our bodies into petroleum.

370. I won't do it!

371. Now, now, Zach, we are their guests here.

372. For wherever humans or aliens need assistance

373. throughout the galaxy,

374. we Europeans will be there to aid them,

375. for that is the white man's burden.

376. Ah, Timothy, times have changed.

377. Let us be more politically correct.

378. You're right, Zach, for that is the white man

379. and woman's burden.

380. Hi, Jim Biederman.