The Whitest Kids U' Know 1x3

1. Guys.

2. It's not stopping. It won't quit.

3. Great! Perfect!

4. 10 minutes of constant peeing.

5. And now I come out for help...

6. Huh! Well. Huh.

7. There's the girl I like. Hi.

8. Did you like me before this?

9. Would you like to go out with me now?

10. Hello!

11. What's up, Darren?

12. Oh, hey. How's it goin'?

13. Just trying to finish up this thing here.

14. Cool. So, my man.

15. What'd you do last night?

16. Last night? Uh...

17. Nothing really.

18. Just hung out with my girlfriend. Not much.

19. Cool, cool.

20. So did you do her?

21. What?

22. Your girlfriend, did you do her?

23. Uh, you know, I really don't feel comfortable

24. talking to you about that in the workplace.

25. Come on, what? We're buddies.

26. No, you're my boss,

27. and we've never even hung out.

28. We're hanging out right now.

29. This is the workplace, sir.

30. I don't think I—

31. All right, well, if you wanna look at it that way,

32. it is the workplace and I am your boss, so tell me.

33. What? You're serious?

34. Yes. That's an order.

35. You're seriously playing that card right now?

36. I'm seriously playing that card.

37. Did you do her? Tell me or I'll fire you.

38. Oh my God, fine. If you have to know.

39. I have to know. Tell me.

40. Uh, yes. I did.

41. I slept with my girlfriend last night.

42. You had sex with your girlfriend?

43. Yes, I had sex with my girlfriend.

44. Awesome.

45. So, my man. Do you wanna draw it?

46. - What? - Do you wanna draw it?

47. You and your girlfriend having sex,

48. do you wanna draw it?

49. No, absolutely not.

50. Come on, it'll be fun.

51. It'll be like a game.

52. I'll draw what I did last night, you draw what you did.

53. You can't be serious.

54. I am serious. I'm your boss.

55. I will fire you. Draw it.

56. Oh my God.

57. I can't believe I'm even thinking about doing this.

58. Awesome.

59. All right, now I'm gonna draw what I did last night.

60. Yes, you masturbated. You must be very proud.

61. I'm not done yet, okay. Shut up.

62. Wait. You...? No. Wait.

63. You were standing outside my window?

64. I'm not finished, okay.

65. - Mr. Brown, were you— - Do you get that?

66. Were you standing outside my window?

67. I'm not finished!

68. You were watching me having sex with my girlfriend?

69. - I'm— Shut up while I'm draw— - You're in a lot of trouble.

70. Shut up!

71. You seriously did that?

72. Shut up!

73. - No, seriously. - I'm gonna fire you

74. if you don't zip it.

75. - What? - Shut up!

76. What are you doing?

77. That's my girlfriend, I love her.

78. Shut up, shut up, shut up!

79. - Mr. B— Just shut up.

80. - Mr. Brown, listen to me. - Shut up.

81. Oh, of course, you were thinking

82. of yourself having sex with my girlfriend.

83. You were masturbating.

84. Darren, I'm finishing my painting!

85. - My own private— - I'm not done yet.

86. My apartment with my girlfriend.

87. I'm not done—

88. - There are other people. - ... yet!

89. - Mr. Brown! - I'm not done yet.

90. Who was—who?

91. - I don't hear you. - Were they from the office?

92. - I'm not done. - Mr. Brown, are serious?

93. - I don't hear you. - There were other people.

94. - I'm not done. - Who were they?

95. - Tell me who they are. - I'm not—

96. - Darren! - Just, you have to tell me—

97. I'm trying to paint my art.

98. There was a video camera?

99. - Will you please— - You taped me?

100. - ... not interrupt me? - You taped me

101. - having sex with my girlfriend? - I'm not done!

102. - I am not done. - This is ridiculous.

103. You are in a lot of trouble.

104. - Darren, I'm not finished. - What do you?

105. What does that mean?

106. You're selling the tapes?

107. - Darren! - You're selling the tapes

108. - on the internet? - Wait till—

109. Mr. Brown, what are you talking—

110. - You're crazy! - Wait till I am done!

111. Dr. Bender to the Mental Ward, please.

112. Dr. Bender.

113. Um, well she is asleep now.

114. She's going to be fine

115. but there will be some massive scars across face and her chest.

116. Pimps up, hos down.

117. Yes, yes. She did mention that

118. she is a working girl

119. and you are her fella.

120. I ain't nobody's fella. I'm her pimp.

121. Okay, but really, sir, this is quite serious.

122. Yes, it's whore-ible what happened to her.

123. Yes, it is horrible.

124. No, no, no, it's whore-ible what happened to her.

125. Yes, I get it, sir. She's a working girl.

126. Now, look, she has been bruised up pretty badly.

127. She looks whore-ific.

128. Sir, I get it. Whore.

129. Now can you please answer some questions

130. so we can understand how to treat her?

131. It's whore-d to understand

132. how something like this could happen.

133. Sir, please.

134. I told her not to go out tonight.

135. I knew it was gonna be dangerous.

136. You see, this morning I read her...

137. whore-ascope.

138. Can you at least tell me her name?

139. Her name was Cindy.

140. And she had been working with me for about a year.

141. But she was gonna leave this fall.

142. She wanted to go state university.

143. You see, she wanted to study...

144. whore-ticulture.

145. Wow, you really went out of your way for that one.

146. Some of her cuts were vertical

147. and some where whore-izontal.

148. Oh, sir, please.

149. She looks like she's been dragged behind a whores.

150. Look, she's very weak right now.

151. I know. I was trying to get her to eat something

152. but she wouldn't eat anything.

153. Not an entrée or a dessert,

154. not even any whore-derves.

155. Sir, please.

156. The only thing she would eat in the car

157. was a pack of old whore-eos.

158. - Sir. - Is she bruised up pretty bad?

159. I told you yes.

160. Oh, I bet she has some nasty charley whore-ses.

161. - Sir! - It's whore-ific.

162. I didn't have a lot of room in my car

163. when I brought her here.

164. You see, I drive a Pa-whore-sh.

165. Sir, please!

166. Is she upset?

167. - Yes. - Maybe I should cheer her up.

168. I'll play her a prosta-tune on my whore-monica.

169. - Bitch!

170. Hi, I'm Trevor Moore,

171. and I just saw the hit documentary Super Size Me

172. where filmmaker Morgan Spurlock

173. ate nothing but McDonald's fast food for 30 days,

174. to see if it really is healthy to live on such a diet.

175. Well, today I'm gonna try the exact same thing

176. except with whiskey.

177. - I'm calling up

178. Jameson's right now.

179. Hello and thank you

180. or calling Jameson Distillery.f

181. This is Bethany. How can I help you?

182. Um, hi. My name is Trevor Moore.

183. I am doing a documentary on whether or not

184. it's healthy to drink nothing but whiskey for 30 days.

185. Please hold.

186. Hello?

187. Hi, my name is Trevor Moore.

188. I'm doing a documentary,

189. kind of like the Super Size Me documentary,

190. but what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna drink nothing

191. but whiskey for 30 days, um,

192. and I'm not gonna eat food,

193. I'm not gonna drink other drinks.

194. I'm just gonna drink whiskey

195. for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

196. And just to see if that's a healthy way to live.

197. What do you think about that?

198. It's not. You shouldn't do that.

199. Well then why do you guys say that

200. everybody should do that in your advertising all the time?

201. We don't.

202. We've always taken a very responsible—

203. - Whatever.

204. Okay, so it's day one,

205. and I just woke up and I'm feeling pretty hungry, so...

206. made a big glass of whiskey.

207. So here we go. Gonna start.

208. Down the hatch.

209. I'm still pretty hungry, so, all right.

210. It's, uh,

211. this day is already day two

212. and, um,

213. you can tell that, um, it's, um,

214. not good for the bo—already not good for the body.

215. It's get—it's harder to drink it now.

216. But, it's, um...

217. But I'm hungry, so.

218. My girlfriend wants me to quit the experiment

219. because she's worried about the effects

220. the whiskey may be having on my body.

221. It's day eight of the experiment.

222. And Barbara's still mad at me.

223. It's only a week into the experiment

224. and it's already having an effect on our sex life.

225. You made out with the coat check girl.

226. I made out with the coat check girl.

227. That coat check girl has a name.

228. Kody.

229. I'm not sleeping here tonight.

230. Kody Anne.

231. We went to dinner.

232. You can see down here that I've got a uh...

233. pretty bad bruise on my right side.

234. I woke up this morning and had that there.

235. I, uh...

236. I can't help but think that may be a cause

237. of the chemicals in the whiskey

238. that are having an effect on my liver inside of my body.

239. Hey, you guys think I can jump

240. all the way down these stairs and land on my side?

241. Dude, hit it with your hammer.

242. Now lets shake it.

243. We totally just finished our time machine.

244. Dude, we should totally go back

245. and see Pac live in concert.

246. Oh, we should go back in time and save Jesus.

247. Nah.

248. Oh, you know what we should do?

249. We should go into the future when we both have girlfriends

250. and then totally bang out our girlfriends.

251. No, dude, you know what we should do?

252. We should go back in time to like the 1800s

253. and grab some stupid fucking farmer who ain't seen shit,

254. bring him here now to Times Square at night,

255. watch him freak the fuck out.

256. Oh, he will freak out.

257. - Let's do it.

258. Hey, what's up, farmer?

259. Havin' fun doin' nothin'?

260. Grab him.

261. Bam. Times Square.

262. He is freaking out.

263. Dude, he's totally freaking out, man.

264. He is freaking out.

265. You see that? You know what that is?

266. That's a giant television, idiot.

267. You see that? You know what that is?

268. Yeah, of course you don't know what that is, dumb nuts.

269. That's a car. Transportation on wheels.

270. He probably thinks it's like a horse or something.

271. He's gonna go try to milk it or some stupid stuff.

272. Oh dude, you know what we should do?

273. We should take him to the ocean in the future.

274. Oh, he will freak out.

275. - Grab him.

276. Oh, you freaking out?

277. Dude, of course he's freaking out, man.

278. Look at him. It's the year 7000 or some shit.

279. And we in the ocean. This is crazy.

280. I bet he never seen the ocean before.

281. Yeah, he probably thinks we're in

282. some giant's teacup or something stupid.

283. Hey, dumb-dumb, we ain't in no giant teacup,

284. it's the ocean.

285. Oh, you know what we should do?

286. We should take him to an airport runway

287. right as a plane's about to take off.

288. He will freak out.

289. Totally, grab him.

290. Look at that dipshit. You know what that is?

291. No, he doesn't know what that is.

292. He's freaking out.

293. Oh man. Ope, here it comes, here it comes.

294. - Here it comes.

295. He's freaking out.

296. He probably thinks it's like some giant goose

297. or something, he's so stupid.

298. Hey, 1800s farmer idiot, it ain't no goose.

299. It's an airplane.

300. We use those to go to Florida.

301. Hey, let's take him to outer space.

302. He will freak out.

303. He will freak out. Grab him.

304. - Ka-blam.

305. - Remember this place? - Back in Times Square.

306. Fuck you.

307. Look at that. That's a 10-person bicycle.

308. Yeah, he probably thinks it's like

309. some big red spider or something.

310. Yeah, it ain't no big red spider.

311. It's a 10-person bicycle,

312. Oh, dude, you know what we should do?

313. We should bring him to Times Square in the year 30,000.

314. He will freak out.

315. Freak out.

316. Look at that. What is that?

317. What the fuck is that?

318. What is that?

319. What is that like a water person or something?

320. That person looks like diamonds.

321. What the?

322. Are we standing on a fractal?

323. Dude, I'm freaking out, man.

324. - I'm freaking out. - I'm freaking out, man.

325. I am freaking out.

326. Let's go, man.

327. We're at T-minus

328. one minute and counting.

329. Damn, where is Barry?

330. He's supposed to drive us to space.

331. I know, he's always late.

332. Hey, guys.

333. Barry, where have you been?

334. The machine ate my dollar.

335. What are you talking about, dude?

336. - You need to be on time. - I know, I'm sorry.

337. I was just really hungry.

338. Well, Barry, hurry up and get buckled in.

339. We gotta go.

340. Come on, Barry, move it.

341. Yeah, hurry up, man. Come on.

342. I'm sorry guys, I'm just really thirsty.

343. What do you mean you're thirsty?

344. What do you mean? What is that, Barry?

345. - Barry, look—oh!

346. Barry, Barry. Barry, what are you doing?

347. - Unbelievable, Barry. - God, Barry.

348. - Ah, my Big Slurp. - What is that? Soda?

349. Did you bring soda in here, Barry?

350. - Yeah. - It's gonna get

351. - in the controls. - Ugh, ah, fuck.

352. Unbelievable, man.

353. Now I don't have my drink.

354. Your drink? Why do you need a drink, Barry?

355. - Oh my God. - What are you doing?

356. Wait until we get into space, Barry.

357. Barry, what is that? Barry, that's enough soda.

358. - Do not open that. - No more soda, Barry!

359. I'm really thirsty.

360. - No more soda, Barry. - Barry, do not open that.

361. - Do not open that

362. - in a spaceship! - It's in my eyes.

363. - It's in my eyes. - Barry, you're getting it on me!

364. Ah, I got my soda on me.

365. You got it all over us too, Barry.

366. Barry, put that away. My God, dude.

367. - There's plenty of food, okay? - Unbelievable.

368. - It's all over— - Just wait until

369. - we get into space— - ... the spaceship.

370. - I'm sorry. - Then we can eat

371. - the space food. - I'm really thirsty.

372. - What are you thinking, man? - I'm sorry, okay?

373. It's all over in my nose.

374. Dude, months of preparing for this mission

375. and you're opening sodas on a spaceship?

376. - I was thirsty. - Yeah, what?

377. I just wanna get some—

378. - Barry, what is that? - Oh.

379. Candy. Is that candy? Barry! Barry!

380. - Ow, ow, ow. - Barry.

381. Oh, my candy.

382. - Barry, candy? - It's all over the spaceship.

383. - Oh my God. - Barry, ow, ow.

384. - Barry. - Barry, we have so much

385. to clean up once we get up there.

386. - Oh! - Remember how we had

387. - so much fun last time— - Hey, dude.

388. - ... in space with the candy? - Put that away.

389. Barry, that's because last time we waited until we were in space

390. to eat the candy, okay?

391. - All right, I'm sorry. - We're still on

392. - the launch pad. - I'm sorry.

393. - There's still gravity. - All right. I'm sorry.

394. Barry, you do not open anything else.

395. Don't open one more thing, Barry.

396. - That is—what do you have? - That is a huge mess.

397. Barry, what do you have up there?

398. - Barry! Nothing.

399. - You do not open anything else. - Nothing else, Barry.

400. All right, I just, I wanna make a little chocolate milk.

401. - Barry, not chocolate milk! - What? Chocolate milk?

402. - Barry, no. - You cannot.

403. All right, all right.

404. I'm very thirsty.

405. I don't have my candy

406. and I just wanna make some chocolate milk.

407. - No, no Barry. - No you are not

408. - making chocolate milk.

409. - Barry, oh, Barry.

410. There's milk going all over the place!

411. Barry!

412. - All right. It won't stop.

413. Barry, what are you doing?

414. What is wrong with you, Barry?

415. - I'm sorry. - Oh my God.

416. - All right? - You sprayed me.

417. I'm doing the best I can.

418. What is that? What is that, Barry?

419. Whoa, oh.

420. - No Barry. Don't.

421. - Put that way. - Unbelievable.

422. - Oh, oh. - Barry, that tastes

423. really good! Why did you do that?

424. - Barry. - My chocolate milk

425. - is ruined. - We're all sticky.

426. - The spaceship's sticky. - Barry, listen to me.

427. We're gonna be sticky for the newscast.

428. - Yeah. - All right, I'm sorry.

429. - I'm sorry. - Dude, it's in my eye.

430. - I know, I made a mistake. - This is terrible.

431. - I'm sorry, I'm sorry. - Barry.

432. - It's so painful. - I'm sorry.

433. Don't do anything else Barry.

434. All right.

435. - What is that? - Barry what do you have?

436. - Nothing. - What is that?

437. - No. - It's nothing.

438. - Barry, what is it? - I just, nothing.

439. Barry, listen to me.

440. - Ow, ow, is that a potato?

441. - Oh no, my potato. - Potatoes?

442. - God dammit, Barry. - They're hard to catch

443. - because I'm sticky. - What are you doing, Barry?

444. - Stop it, dude. - How are you getting—

445. - Oh, oh. - Get 'em off me.

446. - Guys.

447. My eye.

448. I don't feel so good.

449. - What? - I don't feel so good.

450. Barry, you don't feel good?

451. - Barry, no. - Uh-uh. Uh-oh.

452. Hey, how are ya?

453. - Good. How are you? - Pretty good. Nice to meet you.

454. Okay, class.

455. This is Trevor and he works in television

456. and he is gonna talk to us today, okay?

457. Okay.

458. Hi, how's everyone doin'?

459. High five. Oh, there we go.

460. I work in television on a comedy show.

461. Does anybody here wanna work in television when the grow up?

462. Okay, okay.

463. Who likes comedy? Who's the class clown?

464. Joey.

465. Joey? Joey's the class clown?

466. I saw Sarah at recess,

467. and this is what her face looks like.

468. Okay. All right.

469. I wanna be an astronaut.

470. Oh, you wanna be an astronaut?

471. Well that's great. You can be an astronaut.

472. All you have to do is study flying or science

473. and maybe some day you could be

474. the first astronaut to walk on the moon.

475. No.

476. There already was an astronaut who first walked on the moon.

477. Well, no, not really.

478. Um, that wasn't real.

479. See, there was this thing called the Cold War,

480. and in order to beat the Russians we kind of faked that.

481. That never happened.

482. See how there's no windows on the side?

483. And see underneath where there's like a pod thing.

484. What's that, right?

485. Take a look at this wreckage.

486. See how there's no plane parts on the ground there?

487. What does that look like?

488. A missile.

489. You see, President Bush was in a secret society

490. at Yale called the Skull and Bones.

491. His dad was too, and they all worship Satan.

492. President Bush worships Satan?

493. In my personal opinion, absolutely.

494. And one of the Skull and Bones initiation rituals

495. is that to get in you have to lie naked

496. in a coffin and masturbate

497. in front of the older members.

498. But the really messed up thing

499. is that since former President Bush, Bush Senior,

500. was also a member, he requested to be there

501. to watch his son's initiation.

502. So he watched his own son masturbate.

503. President Bush masturbated in front of his dad.

504. Yeah. It's pretty gross.

505. Hi, Jim Biederman.