The Whitest Kids U' Know 1x10

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Jim Bust - JISM We Gon' Make Love Motorcycle Momma Jim Bust - Jim's Gay Timmy Dance We Buy Drugs Mr. T Gets Cancer Jim Bust - Fart Gun in the Face Mountain of Chairs Jim Bust - Puppy

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Hey Jim, can I put the new slogan on your board?

2. - What? - I just had a meeting

3. with the guys and we're trying to keep everybody motivated

4. around here, so we came up with a new phrase

5. to help boost morale.

6. Trevor, I'm busy.

7. We wanna make this show the best it can be,

8. and we need to meet these deadlines.

9. So what do we need?

10. Well, we need you, Jim, the producer, so J.

11. Then we need ideas to make the show

12. as funny and good as it can be.

13. Then we need speed,

14. to make all these deadlines on time,

15. and the last thing we need is motivation,

16. which is why I made this little phrase.

17. Thanks, Jim. Good talk.

18. Well, mama,

19. it sure feels good to leave the oil fields

20. of Nebraska in the dust.

21. All we got ahead of us now is the open road,

22. the cool breeze in our faces,

23. and the sweet sounds of the corn husks

24. as they move silently past.

25. Isn't that right, mama?

26. That's right, daddy.

27. Yeah, mama.

28. Now, I don't know what we gonna find

29. when we get to San Francisco.

30. I might have to stab, steal, and cheat my way to the top.

31. Hell, maybe I'll even get myself a straight job.

32. Wouldn't that be crazy, mama?

33. You and I working like a couple of regular Joes.

34. Wouldn't that just be nuts, mama?

35. Sounds nuts, daddy.

36. Yeah, mama.

37. Maybe we get ourselves a little bungalow down on the beach.

38. We drink outta coconuts all day—

39. Okay, I don't wanna play this anymore.

40. This is so boring.

41. No, Timmy. We have to play Motorcycle Mamas.

42. - I wanna play Sega. - No, Timmy.

43. We haven't even got outta Nebraska.

44. The best part's coming up.

45. Hold on.

46. Fine.

47. Then we drink outta coconuts all day and at night,

48. we'd get drunk off of Beam and make love under the stars.

49. Hell, maybe even the band will get back together again.

50. Wouldn't that be crazy, mama?

51. Sounds crazy, daddy.

52. Yeah, mama.

53. Let's hope the next town we spill into's got a pool hall

54. with the jukebox that's worth a damn.

55. I got my grifting shoes on. How about you, mama?

56. Good right here, daddy.

57. Yeah, mama.

58. Maybe we find ourselves a couple of marks

59. and grift enough cash to get clear on to Californ-i-a.

60. Hey look, a bear.

61. A what, mama?

62. There's an army of bears over there.

63. Let's fight 'em with guns.

64. What you talking about, mama?

65. You know my blood pressure can't handle what it—

66. Okay, this is stupid.

67. You won't even let me do anything.

68. An army of bears, Timmy, that's stupid.

69. Well, I'm bored. I wanna play Sega.

70. We will never play Sega again

71. unless we finish Motorcycle Mama.

72. I'm serious. I am serious.

73. I am serious.

74. - Okay, fine. - Shut up.

75. Hell on wheels, heaven on earth.

76. That's us, right, mama?

77. That's right, daddy.

78. Billy, you left your bike in the drivewa—

79. Oh, my God.

80. Billy, are you playing Motorcycle Ladies again?

81. It's Motorcycle Mamas, Dad.

82. Timmy, go play video games.

83. Yeah!

84. Are you mad, Dad?

85. I told you what would happen if you did this again.

86. No, Dad, please.

87. - I don't believe in you. - No, Dad.

88. - I don't believe in you. - No, Dad, I love you.

89. I don't believe in you.

90. - No, Dad, look at me. - I don't believe in you.

91. - No! Oh, oh! - I don't believe in you.

92. - I don't believe in you. Dad!

93. - I don't believe in you. - No, no!

94. I don't believe in you. I don't believe in you.

95. I don't believe in you.

96. Ladies and gentlemen, Timmy Dance.

97. Send some of that this way, huh?

98. - Guys, guys, guys.

99. Pause it. Pause it, guys.

100. I just ran into Bobby Finster from PE class,

101. and he told me how you can get high off sticky notes.

102. - Fuck off. - No way.

103. I'm serious. Here's what you do.

104. You pull the top one off, right?

105. And you take the glue part

106. and you press it up to your gum and you hold it tight, okay?

107. For like 30 seconds.

108. I just saw Bobby now and he was high as ass.

109. Dude, I totally think I'm starting to feel something.

110. Yeah, me too.

111. Sup, queerbaits.

112. Whoa, a sophomore!

113. What are you doing here?

114. Just came by to see if your older brother is home.

115. Oh no, he's not, but you can hang out with us.

116. We're cool.

117. You kids buy drugs?

118. Cool.

119. - We buy drugs. - Yeah, what do you have?

120. Oh man, I got everything. My parents are divorced.

121. I got uppers, downers, screamers, laughers, poppers—

122. Wait, wait, wait, wait. What are screamers?

123. Oh man. Screamers are great.

124. I took a couple last weekend

125. 'cause my parents got divorced.

126. Well, what do they do?

127. It makes it seem exactly like

128. you're on a rollercoaster ride.

129. Do they work?

130. Yeah, totally.

131. I took some last weekend 'cause of the divorce

132. and it was insane.

133. Thing is, these things are pretty hard to come by.

134. They're sorta of rare, so it's gonna be five dollars a pill.

135. Well, I'll take one.

136. - Yeah, me too. - Me too.

137. All right.

138. Looks like I've only got two screamers left though.

139. But I have one small world.

140. What does that do?

141. It makes it seem like you're on that lazy river ride,

142. where you see all the Dutchmen and Mexicans.

143. That's cool, man.

144. All right.

145. Awesome.

146. - Cool. - Thank you,

147. I'm gonna go drink a beer,

148. and do some heavy petting with a girl in a truck.

149. Whoa, he's so cool, man.

150. - Yeah. - Yeah.

151. He's got a iPod Mini.

152. - What color? - Teal.

153. That's the best one.

154. I know.

155. All right, you guys ready to do drugs?

156. Here we go. Here's a screamer for you.

157. A screamer for me, and a small world for Caleb.

158. - Okay, good. - All right, ready?

159. Here we go.

160. I think it's starting to work.

161. - Really? - Yeah!

162. These shits totally give you a boner.

163. No they don't, dude.

164. You're right. You're cool.

165. Okay, it probably takes a little bit for these things

166. to kick in, so let's just take a load off,

167. and try and think about something else.

168. Did I tell you when I was over at Steve's house

169. the other day?

170. No.

171. We were playing video games and his mom came home

172. and he was all like,

173. "Oh, we need to clean up quick, guys, quick."

174. And then like he went back and like shot us

175. in the video game.

176. That's lame.

177. Yeah, he's such a lame dude.

178. - Whoa. - Whoa.

179. - Whoa. - Whoa.

180. Do you feel something?

181. - Yeah. - It feels like we're going up.

182. We're going up.

183. We're getting like higher.

184. - We're getting— - We're get—

185. We're getting high.

186. We're getting high!

187. Caleb, do you feel that?

188. No, no. I don't feel that at all.

189. It does feel like I'm moving at two

190. or three miles an hour.

191. - Tunnel!

192. Oh, Asians.

193. Whoa, my seat belt's coming undone.

194. I got you, buddy.

195. I'm falling out. I'm falling out.

196. Hey, my boner's back.

197. Hey, I realized something about you.

198. Remind me to tell you later.

199. - Okay. - How much longer is this thing?

200. Boys, I'm home from the church store.

201. My mom's home from the church store!

202. Caleb, be cool.

203. Be cool, Caleb.

204. I saw that boy with the divorced parents outside.

205. I don't want you guys hanging out with him.

206. - Whee! - Mom, how was the church store?

207. - Well, it was pretty good.

208. Oh, by the by, do you still have your ski boots?

209. I think so.

210. Okay, well I'd like you to go upstairs and try them on

211. 'cause you've grown a lot since last winter, you know.

212. Can I do it later?

213. I'm sorry?

214. The ski boots, can I do it later?

215. Well, I suppose,

216. but you know you are gonna need new gloves,

217. so we're gonna have to go to the store later.

218. - Caleb, what are you doing?

219. Huh?

220. Caleb Matthews, are you on drugs?

221. - Caleb! You blew it!

222. Ladies and gentlemen,

223. Trevor and Timmy present their little play,

224. Mr. T Gets Some Bad News.

225. Mr. T, your test results just came back

226. and I have some bad news.

227. You have cancer.

228. What? Say it again.

229. You have cancer, Mr. T.

230. Oh my god.

231. I pity this fool.

232. Hey, Timmy.

233. Hi, Jim.

234. How you doing?

235. All right, just walking around.

236. That's good.

237. I gotta go.

238. Bye.

239. Hey there, Jim.

240. Oh, hey. Do you need to clean the room?

241. No, no, no.

242. Nice day, yes?

243. Yeah.

244. Okay, bye.

245. Hey, Jim.

246. Hey, Trevor.

247. I'm just looking around.

248. Trevor, are you paying people to fart in my office?

249. No, Jim.

250. Okay, I gotta go.

251. Hey, what's up? It's me.

252. How you doing?

253. Good, good.

254. Yeah, still coming.

255. Yeah, coming Friday.

256. I'm gonna leave here at like three or four-ish,

257. whenever I get done.

258. Yeah, so I don't know if traffic's...

259. If traffic's okay, I should be there at, I dunno,

260. eight-ish maybe?

261. Hopefully.

262. Yeah.

263. Yeah, I'm excited too, man. It's gonna be awesome.

264. It'll be good.

265. How you doing? You doing all right?

266. - Cool.

267. Really?

268. Will he be there on Saturday?

269. He will.

270. - Cool. I'd love to see him.

271. I haven't seen him forever.

272. Yeah, gonna hurt my feelings.

273. He's still dating her? But you know what?

274. - I think it's not so bad.

275. He got a promotion and he's like...

276. He's finally making some

277. - completely

278. Probably still wants to quit, but he's...

279. Oh, really?

280. - That's rad.

281. - That's all right.

282. That's funny because you were talking about doing that.

283. - All right.

284. Oh dude, I didn't tell you, my car got totaled.

285. - I know, it sucks.

286. I mean, no injuries, but my car's gone, so. Yeah, scrapped.

287. Well, it would cost more for me

288. to get it repaired than if I just scrapped it

289. and got a new one.

290. They'll cover as much as they cover.

291. You know, I'm not sure yet.

292. We haven't figured it out, but they'll help with it.

293. - I have to go. Yeah.

294. All right, man. Later.

295. - Bye.

296. Guys. What?

297. Timmy is choking.

298. - Bad. - Guys!

299. Timothy, come here!

300. Yes, father.

301. Timothy, your father—

302. - Shush!

303. Timothy, your mother and I are going to the opera tonight.

304. Now, I know that before today,

305. you have been left in the charge of a babysitter.

306. Yes.

307. However, today is your 13th birthday.

308. It is? What day is it?

309. Let me write it down. Let me find a pen.

310. Timmy, shush!

311. Now, since you are 13 years old,

312. - your mother and I—

313. Your mother and I have decided to leave you alone tonight.

314. I have left the number of the theater on the refrigerator.

315. I have informed our neighbor, Mr. Gudge,

316. that you'll be left unattended.

317. Should any emergencies arise,

318. you are to go directly to him.

319. We will return at 11:30.

320. I expect you in bed, asleep, teeth cleaned, homework done!

321. - Retainer in— - Shush!

322. Now, Timothy, since you are 13 years old,

323. I shall now touch you for the first time physically

324. in the form of a handshake.

325. Wow, my father's hand,

326. it feels just like I thought it would.

327. Happy birthday, son.

328. Thank you, sir.

329. Yes.

330. Gloria.

331. Sweet!

332. Timothy!

333. Oh dear, I'll put them back.

334. What have you done?

335. I'm sorry. - Son,

336. you have been very disobedient.

337. I know, Father, I'm sorry.

338. Shush! Tell me, Timmy.

339. Have you gone today?

340. Yes, sir. Once this morning.

341. And did you save it as I request?

342. Yes, sir, it's in a plastic bag in my dresser.

343. Bring me your sin, Timothy!

344. This sin is especially long and dark today.

345. I know, sir. I'm sorry.

346. What have you done to create such a specimen?

347. I had a thought about a girl,

348. Timothy!

349. Because you are 13 years old,

350. you'll now be punished as an adult!

351. Extend your left arm, Timothy!

352. - Zach, no! - Shush!

353. Gloria, bring me the device.

354. - Excuse me. - Who are you?

355. Child Services.

356. Don't tear my family apart!

357. Please tear my family apart!

358. I dunno what day my birthday—

359. You have no right to tell me how to raise my family.

360. Actually, I do.

361. I see that you've completely cut your child off

362. from the outside world.

363. You've taught him that his poop is sin,

364. and I'm seeing some bruises on your wife.

365. - She fell down the stairs. - I fell off my bike.

366. I'm seeing these things and they're pretty bad,

367. but that's what I see,

368. doesn't have to be what I say.

369. Someone's gotta stop me from seeing this stuff.

370. I need some blinders.

371. Are blinders expensive?

372. About a hundred bucks each.

373. Here's a hundred dollars.

374. All right, now I don't see the wife,

375. but I still see the kid with the poop.

376. Now I just see you and now I'm seeing my way to the door.

377. Shine on, you crazy Mormons.

378. Hey, Jim.

379. Hey, Trevor.

380. Last show of the season.

381. Yeah. Yeah.

382. Got you a present.

383. Oh, okay. Thanks.

384. Whoa, geez, Trevor,

385. you didn't even put air holes in this thing.

386. It was really great working with you this year.

387. Trevor, what the hell is this?

388. It's a puppy.

389. This is the worst gift you could give someone

390. as a surprise. I mean, I got a small apartment

391. and I don't want this responsibility.

392. I know. Don't worry.

393. He's very, very sick.

394. Goodbye, Wormy.

395. See you later, Jim.

396. Hi, Jim Biederman.