The Whitest Kids U' Know 1x1

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1. I'm nervous.

2. - I'm nervous. - We've been trying

3. for about three or four months now to...

4. - Get pregnant. - Yeah.

5. I think this time it's, I feel good about—

6. - I do too. - This time.

7. Yeah, we've been wanting to have kids for quite some time.

8. I think we're ready,

9. - both of us. - I'm ready.

10. Yeah, we're both ready.

11. - Both ready, ready together. - Yeah.

12. This is it.

13. This is it.

14. I can't read it, what does it say?

15. What does it say?

16. That's my iPod shuffle.

17. You peed on my iPod shuffle.

18. You're such a stupid bitch.

19. - Hey! - ♪ And when I step

20. Okay everybody, let's start this meeting here.

21. Sam just got back from the West coast,

22. so he was visiting our offices out there.

23. You want to fill everybody in on what's going on?

24. Well, as you know, I just got back from LA

25. and just gotta say, it's a real chore for me to go out there

26. with the beautiful weather and all the gorgeous women and all.

27. - Real chore, man. - Ooh, cry me a river.

28. I'll bet.

29. Anytime, twist my arm, but.

30. Oh, gross.

31. Sorry.

32. Did you just pull shit outta your pants

33. and throw it in the trash?

34. Well, I thought I felt something back there,

35. so I reached back with my hand, I got it.

36. And yeah, it was poop, sorry.

37. - That's fucking disgusting. - Well, I didn't know—

38. That is so disgusting, I can't believe you just did that.

39. How could you do that?

40. Whoa, whoa, whoa! - Right in front of me like that?

41. - I didn't know it was poop okay?

42. What did you think it was gonna be?

43. - I don't know!

44. Dude, that's so gross.

45. I cannot throw a simple meeting without some sort

46. of major disturbance going on, this is ridiculous.

47. How could you just pull it out like that

48. in the middle of a meeting?

49. Yeah, you gotta go to the bathroom!

50. I don't need to go to the bathroom.

51. - No, yes you do. - Wash your goddamn hands.

52. - Oh, it's on my hand. - Oh my God!

53. - Everyone, everyone, everyone!

54. I will not lose control of this meeting.

55. He's got poop on his hands.

56. And last week, Zach kept getting phone calls.

57. The week before that Darren had to leave early.

58. Timmy has poop on his hands. Deal with it, all right?

59. We're gonna go into these numbers.

60. What would make you think it's okay

61. for you to just grab poop out of your butt during a meeting?

62. A business meeting.

63. - It is, it's a business meeting. - I didn't know what it was.

64. What did you think it was?

65. - I didn't know it was poop. - What did you think

66. - it was gonna be? - I don't know, I just—

67. You just shat your pants in the middle of a meeting.

68. You sat at a desk and just shat yourself?

69. I felt that there was something in my pants

70. and I wanted to take it out.

71. - Guys, forget about the poop.

72. I'm serious here, let's go into these numbers.

73. Well, number one, it smells like shit in this office.

74. Yeah, it's right in the basket.

75. Put the basket down, the basket stays here.

76. Put the basket down.

77. No, the basket goes into the bathroom.

78. Put the basket down, sit down.

79. Well, if the basket stays, I'm leaving.

80. I smell it. It's in my clothes.

81. God Timmy, go, go to the bathroom.

82. I'll just leave it in the bathroom.

83. - Get out of here! - It's in his hand.

84. Timmy, get that away from me! Get it outta my face!

85. - Go to the bathroom! - Freeze.

86. Freeze, now sit down at the table.

87. - He needs to go. - Shut up, be quiet. Sit.

88. - He's got poop in his hands. - Oh.

89. Now, the numbers coming out of LA have been very positive.

90. We've seen a 10 to 12 percent increase

91. since the last fiscal quarter.

92. Now this is very good, as everyone knows,

93. because in spring of next year, we are going public.

94. Now what I want everyone to think about

95. and put their heads together is how we can make that

96. 10 to 12 percent go to maybe a 16 to 18 percent.

97. Now what we want to focus on is primarily metals

98. in the San Fernando Valley area.

99. But I want everyone to think of ways that we can get

100. that stock just to go a little higher before the IPO.

101. Oh!

102. Oh shit.

103. Oh, I got it on my face.

104. - I don't care. - Oh, that is fucking gross.

105. I fell asleep at this meeting and I got my poop on my face.

106. - Timmy, I don't care. - I have to go,

107. and he has to go, you need to—

108. - He has poop on his own face. - Fine, go!

109. Thank you.

110. Jeez.

111. - Go to the bathroom! - Okay, I'm going.

112. And that's when I knew I had hit rock bottom.

113. I woke up in the streets, I didn't have a penny to my name.

114. My wife and children, they'd left me.

115. And I had no job, I had no direction at all.

116. All I had was drinking.

117. And that... that right there,

118. that's when I knew that I needed surrender.

119. Woo, alcoholics anonymous!

120. Woo!

121. Woohoo!

122. Woo!

123. Oh, Hamlet, Hamlet, Hamlet, Hamlet, Hamlet.

124. The vampire army has taken the city.

125. We must check the castle tower

126. and make sure that no vampire

127. have gotten into our home base.

128. You wait here, I'll go check the castle.

129. Yes, you do that.

130. Oh my god, Hamlet, I just saw a fucking vampire.

131. It bit me right in the neck.

132. Oh no.

133. Save yourself Hamlet.

134. Shit!

135. Othello, I will avenge you.

136. And rid this castle of the vampire scourge

137. that has taken this fair city.

138. I shall hunt each and every one down in this town

139. and drive a wooden stake through their heart.

140. All this for my friend, Othello.

141. Oh no! Hamlet turn around!

142. He turned into a vampire!

143. He's gonna bite you!

144. Oh shit, Hamlet, I can't watch this.

145. Hey everybody, I can't watch this.

146. Well, some of us are trying to.

147. John, please.

148. Who said that?

149. Which one of y'all dead motherfuckers

150. just said that shit?

151. Was it you string bean?

152. Your skinny-ass looking motherfucker?

153. Turn around and say it again.

154. Turn around and say it again.

155. Turn around, say it again.

156. Will you please be quiet?

157. John, that is the President of the United States.

158. I don't care who it is, he's ruining Hamlet.

159. Oh, now you fucked up.

160. Now you fucked up.

161. Now you fucked up.

162. You have fucked up now.

163. Now you fucked up. Now you fucked up.

164. Now you have fucked up.

165. Mr. President, will you please be quiet?

166. Suck my presidential cock, bitch.

167. You fat ass piece of shit.

168. You tub 'o lard looking motherfucker.

169. What?

170. What?

171. What?

172. What?

173. What?

174. - What, hey! - What?

175. What, huh?

176. I don't know why you're looking up at me, bitch,

177. play's on stage.

178. I'm not putting on a play up here.

179. I'm trying to be entertained right now.

180. Mr. President, be quiet.

181. John, calm down.

182. Listen to the woman, John! Calm down, just calm down!

183. Hey, acty, stop the play! Acty! Ho! Acty.

184. Hey, hoe! I gotta go to the bathroom

185. I drank too much liquid, now I gotta piss.

186. Oh. Ho! I got a bottle, I got a bottle.

187. It's all right, rewind the play five minutes though.

188. 'Cause that fat piece of shit was talking,

189. I couldn't pay attention to what you guys was doing.

190. So rewind the play five minutes

191. and you shut the fuck up.

192. That's it, I'm gonna do what I should've done

193. a long time ago.

194. John, what are you going to do?

195. I'm gonna beat him to death with this hammer.

196. What? John! John!

197. Ho! What are you doing, skinny?

198. What are you doing, you fat piece of shit?

199. Where's he going?

200. What's that fat piece of shit doing now?

201. Oh shit! Ah! Ow!

202. Ah! He's hitting me in the butt!

203. He's hitting my butt!

204. Don't break my butt! Don't break my butt!

205. He's breaking my butt!

206. - Ladies and gentlemen,

207. that is what actually happened on that fateful night,

208. all those years ago.

209. American historians and documentarians believed

210. that the actual events were far too embarrassing

211. for our fledgling nation to endure.

212. But Abraham Lincoln actually got hammered in the ass so much

213. that he died of being hammered in the ass.

214. Thank you, goodnight.

215. Morning dear, what's for breakfast?

216. Mama John's Pizza bagels,

217. eight cheesy pizzas on a thin flaky crust.

218. Now pizza's for breakfast.

219. Pizza's not for breakfast!

220. Mama John's pizza bagels.

221. Now pizza's for breakfast.

222. I'm sorry! You made me do this!

223. All right now, remember, they say that 90 percent

224. of all hunting accidents are caused by carelessness.

225. I like to say that 90 percent

226. of all hunting accidents are caused by Rick.

227. That's not funny, Rick is our friend and he died.

228. That's why it's funny, 'cause it really happened.

229. It's funny 'cause it's true.

230. No, it's not funny 'cause it's true

231. because Rick is a close friend of ours

232. who died in a hunting accident yesterday.

233. No, that's why it's funny.

234. It's funny 'cause it happened and we know Rick.

235. It's like an inside joke amongst friends.

236. - Oh look, a squirrel.

237. Whoa, you blew its head off.

238. - Yeah, I Rick'd him. - Man.

239. Guys, look, a deer.

240. - Oh. Whoa, what a beauty.

241. Don't shoot her.

242. Let's wait and study her movements.

243. Yeah.

244. I think she sees us.

245. - Oh, what's she doing? She's coming closer.

246. She's not even scared of us.

247. Oh.

248. - What? - What?

249. What? What is she, is she...

250. Is she presenting herself to us?

251. She is, she totally is!

252. Oh, that stupid deer wants us to have sex with it.

253. - She wants it bad. Yeah.

254. Oh!

255. That's gross, right, guys, right?

256. Right, I'd like never ever, ever, right?

257. - Nah. - Right?

258. That is a horny, horny deer.

259. Mm-hmm!

260. Oh!

261. She's playing hard to get.

262. - She's pretending to walk away.

263. Whatever she wants it.

264. Whatever, you know you want it!

265. You want it.

266. Oh!

267. Nu-uh, I'd rock your world.

268. Humans are way better at doing it than deer are.

269. Sam, outrageous.

270. Oh!

271. - Holy fucking shit! - Oh, is that how it is?

272. I'd make your hooves curl up, you dirty little doe.

273. Oh, oh, oh, she's going back inside her deer hole.

274. Oh man, I wanted to see what she was gonna do next.

275. Yeah, you guys wanna go back to the truck?

276. Yeah.

277. - Man, that deer wanted me. - Yeah.

278. Oh!

279. She's got a fucking bra on!

280. Oh, that is so fucking hot.

281. That is so funny

282. 'cause that means at some point that deer killed a woman.

283. Oh, that deer doesn't know what it's doing man.

284. That deer knows exactly what it's doing.

285. Oh!

286. That deer shaved its vagina.

287. That is so attractive to me.

288. That is it, it is fucking on.

289. Oh, Sam, are you gonna do that deer now?

290. Yeah, don't shoot it till I'm done.

291. Better use a rubber, dude, lyme disease.

292. Who wants to see this deer get fucked?

293. All y'all wanna see is deer get fucked, say yeah.

294. Yeah!

295. - Excuse me.

296. Whoa.

297. Hi there, Timmy Williams, Park Ranger.

298. First of all, you guys need to move your truck.

299. Secondly, bestiality is way against park regulations here.

300. So you three need to get outta here right now.

301. - Screw you, fuzz. - Get outta here, get.

302. You were going to get it hard.

303. Off, off, off, off, off, off. Get outta here.

304. And you, you can have your ring back.

305. And I want all my stuff back from your deer hole, you tramp.

306. - Bill. - Kyle.

307. - Hey. - Hey.

308. Sorry I didn't hang out with you guys last night.

309. - That's all right. - So what'd you guys do?

310. - Ah!

311. What's wrong with you?

312. Ah! Stop it! What was that for?

313. Ah! Stop it.

314. Oh dude, you weren't there.

315. That's the new thing, we all decided on it last night.

316. Pretty cool, huh?

317. What's the new thing?

318. Ah, ah.

319. That's the new thing?

320. Ah, stop it!

321. Dude, that's the new thing.

322. What's the matter, you don't like it?

323. Yeah, there you go.

324. So that's the new thing, huh?

325. Oh God.

326. That's the new thing. Pretty cool, huh?

327. - Yeah, all right. - Hey, guys.

328. Hi, kids. Oh!

329. - Kyle! - Hey, my granddad.

330. The thing, I was just doing the thing.

331. No, no, no, no, we only slap people

332. after they use sentences

333. that are questions ending in a one syllable word.

334. Well, what does that mean?

335. Oh, God!

336. Questions ending in one syllable words.

337. How was I supposed to know that?

338. Oh!

339. What's going on, you guys?

340. - Oh! - Was that right?

341. - Ah! - Yep.

342. So we taught Kyle the new thing.

343. Just found out.

344. Oh!

345. Yeah dude, that's another new thing.

346. If you use an incomplete sentence,

347. you get kicked in the balls.

348. Kicked in the balls?

349. - Oh! - Yeah, yeah.

350. Okay, all right, okay.

351. I understand that this is the new thing,

352. but can't we just hang out like we did before?

353. - Oh, oh. - Oh, oh.

354. See, that's another new thing.

355. If you use a contraction

356. before a preposition, you get hockey punched.

357. Did I?

358. You see the word "can't" is a contraction.

359. And the word "before" is a preposition.

360. So you can't say that before you use one of those.

361. Oh, oh, oh.

362. - What do— - Whoa.

363. Guys, what do you—

364. You got me.

365. Okay, stop it, stop it, okay?

366. I can't hang out with you guys anymore without getting

367. slapped, kicked, punched, or some other stupid shit.

368. Expletive.

369. Hi, Jim Biederman.