The White Lotus 2x2

1. - Oh. Buongiorno. - Sorry?

2. - Buongiorno. - Oh, yeah.

3. Uh, buongiorno.

4. Honey. My arm's asleep.

5. Ethan?

6. Honey?

7. You all right?

8. Yeah, I'm fine.

9. Buongiorno.

10. Oh, God. This is such a beautiful view.

11. I wonder if anyone's ever jumped from here.

12. I'm gonna get a plate.

13. No idea why I didn't bring my roller skates.

14. - Hey. - Hi.

15. Uh, can I sit here?

16. Yeah. Yeah, sure, of course. Or there.

17. Are you okay?

18. Yeah, I'm just, um... It's— My boss is just...

19. Shoot.

20. Well, good thing it wasn't glass.

21. Yeah.

22. I only have four hands.

23. I think they're gonna come and help you.

24. - Hi. No worries. - Yeah, I'm sorry about that.

25. I just... Do you have any Oreo cookie cake?

26. Have you noticed that?

27. Is that cheese, or...

28. - This is cheese. - Harper!

29. Hey!

30. - It's all right. - Hey.

31. - Hi. - Hi.

32. Where's your man?

33. Oh, he wakes up super early to go running,

34. so that's what I'm dealing with.

35. What? Christ, I hate him.

36. Got to exercise, you know? Dad! Over here.

37. - I still don't have my clothes. - Call the airline.

38. Morning.

39. - This is my dad, Dominic. - Hi.

40. Nonno, you met Portia yesterday.

41. Hi.

42. Did I?

43. Yeah, I, uh, saw you fall by the pool.

44. They need to fill in that grouting.

45. This is a five-star hotel

46. and that's a major hazard.

47. Can we get some menus and coffee?

48. Did you not sleep well?

49. I slept like crap.

50. I slept fantastic

51. and I'm completely refreshed. Uh, no jet lag at all.

52. Well, Albie told me you guys are here to learn

53. - about your Sicilian roots. - Uh-huh.

54. Sounds like a fun boys' trip.

55. Well, wasn't supposed to be a boys' trip.

56. I still don't understand why Abby isn't here.

57. I definitely explained it to you.

58. She's that mad that she's gonna miss

59. a once-in-a-lifetime family trip to Sicily?

60. She is that mad, and can we just not?

61. What?

62. She's gonna get a divorce? She can't do that.

63. Yes, she can. Why can't she?

64. Um. Well, what's it been? Twenty-five years?

65. I mean... You can't let her do that.

66. It's not all up to me, Dad.

67. You want me to call her? Huh?

68. I'll talk to her. I can speak to this.

69. I don't want you to call her

70. and that's not gonna help anything, so...

71. please can we just drop it?

72. My wife passed away last year.

73. - Oh, no. - Yeah.

74. Well, she was very sick, so...

75. We were married 53 years. The love of my life.

76. Dominic's mother. An incredible woman.

77. And there's no way

78. she would've missed a family trip to Sicily.

79. I mean, I could've done anything.

80. I could have burned the house down.

81. You know what? I think maybe I will do the buffet.

82. You kidding me? This is bullshit.

83. No, I filled out your fucking form.

84. I talked to like three people, and after all that,

85. you send it back to fucking New York?

86. Cameron has a really long fuse. But then all of a sudden,

87. he'll just go crazy. I mean, he will lose it.

88. - No. No, no, no, no. - It's kinda funny.

89. No. I don't want a voucher!

90. I want my fucking clothes!

91. Does he ever lose it on you?

92. No. We never fight.

93. - That's sweet. - Yeah.

94. I don't think I've ever met a couple that doesn't fight.

95. I mean, what is there to fight about anyway, right?

96. Wow.

97. What'd they say?

98. They sent my bag back home to New York.

99. Fucking geniuses.

100. Okay, well, at least it's not lost.

101. We'll get you some new stuff. It'll be great.

102. Hmm. I was just telling Harper

103. how we never fight.

104. Well, you're practically perfect, so...

105. And when we disagree, you just give in, right?

106. Yes, ma'am.

107. Happy wife, happy life.

108. I'm gonna, uh, take this up—

109. back up to my room.

110. Well, we're kinda done here, right?

111. Yeah, we can come with you.

112. - Great. - Cool.

113. Oh, yes.

114. Mm.

115. It's our first day in Sicily. What do you wanna do?

116. Whatever you want.

117. I think... my fantasy day in Italy is...

118. Well, first, I wanna look just like Monica Vitti.

119. And... and then this man in a very slim-fitting suit...

120. he comes over and he lights my cigarette.

121. And it taste really good.

122. And then takes me for a drive on his Vespa.

123. You want me to rent a Vespa?

124. Then at sunset...

125. we go down very close to the sea,

126. to one of those really romantic spots.

127. And then we... we drink lots of aperitivos,

128. and we eat big plates of pasta with giant clams.

129. And we're just really chic and happy and... and we're...

130. beautiful.

131. Well, all right. Sounds good to me.

132. Really?

133. Sure. Whatever you want. It's— it's your day to shine.

134. So, your employer doesn't want you around, huh?

135. Listen. You can't come to Sicily and just sit in your room.

136. It's against the law.

137. I know. I agree. It sucks.

138. We're walking to the Greek theater today.

139. You should come.

140. No. It's a family trip, it's your thing.

141. Not at all. When there's a young, pretty lady around,

142. we'll all be better behaved, cheerier.

143. Okay. Yes, no. You— you should come.

144. - Right? - Yeah. Yeah, absolutely.

145. Hmm? Say yes.

146. Yes. I'll come.

147. All right, well we're gonna go get him some clothes,

148. but you wanna meet up in like two hours?

149. Yeah, perfect. Just text us.

150. - Bye. - Bye.

151. I can't believe how hot—

152. Hey. What's going on?

153. What's with the boner?

154. Yeah, fair question.

155. Uh, I was jerking off.

156. Why?

157. Um, I don't know, endorphins?

158. You know I sometimes get horny after I run.

159. Well, couldn't you have just waited

160. till I got back to the room? I was only gone 15 minutes.

161. All I had was a croissant.

162. You don't like morning sex.

163. What? I'm fine with it.

164. Are you? You're not a morning person.

165. Well, I don't wake up with a raging hard-on,

166. that is true.

167. Look, I just figured I'd take care of it myself.

168. Okay?

169. - Well, did you? - No, but— but it's fine.

170. Do you want help?

171. Now?

172. Yeah.

173. No, it— It's okay. We can do that later.

174. It's not a big deal.

175. So, Daphne and Cameron never fight!

176. How do you know? Because that's what they said.

177. If you never fight,

178. then your relationship is not real. It's like, yeah,

179. we fight, we bicker,

180. but that's because we talk about everything.

181. You know? We're honest.

182. They act like they're on their honeymoon.

183. They're all over each other. But it's bogus. It's not real.

184. You always do this with certain people.

185. It's like you have to find them deficient in some way,

186. - compared to you. - What?

187. It's like, I don't know,

188. maybe it's a way of soothing yourself

189. when you feel threatened or something.

190. I'm not threatened by them.

191. Like, you never do this with Carmen.

192. - Carmen? Our housekeeper? - You're always like...

193. "Oh, my God. I love Carmen. She's so sweet."

194. She is so sweet. She's a sweet old lady.

195. But like, you're not threatened by her,

196. so you don't see any of the other stuff.

197. Like, she can just be sweet Carmen,

198. the sweet old lady.

199. Everybody compares themselves to other people, Ethan.

200. Why are you criticizing me for doing something

201. that everyone does?

202. I'm just pointing out a personality quirk.

203. You do it to me all the time.

204. Why are you threatened by them?

205. - I'm not. - Kinda seems like you are.

206. But it's just, like, are these the kind of people

207. we're gonna be hanging out with now? Like, really?

208. Like, people that can only talk about

209. what five-star hotel they've stayed at.

210. Okay, so you're a snob?

211. What? I'm a snob? They're snobs.

212. I— I guess we're all snobs in different ways.

213. I was just trying to say

214. that I think we have a good relationship,

215. but I won't do that again.

216. I agree.

217. Hey, Harper.

218. I agree, 100 percent.

219. Everybody does it, Ethan.

220. I'm sure they're over there shitting on me right now,

221. saying I'm a bitch or... you could do better.

222. Or whatever.

223. Ah!

224. Ah. Vieni, bella!

225. - Come to Papa. - Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

226. What do you think, huh, baby?

227. I like it.

228. Bellissimo!

229. Bitch, you're fired.

230. Hmm.

231. Mia.

232. You sure you're okay to walk?

233. Maybe we should get a taxi, Dad.

234. She said it's only at the end of the—

235. of the corso.

236. If I'm a cripple, nobody told me.

237. Um, you guys, I gotta make a quick call, all right?

238. Uh, you wanna keep walking and I'll just catch up?

239. Okay. Dad, it's this way.

240. (IN ENGLISH) Cool.

241. Oh, Mr. Di Grasso.

242. - Good Morning. - Hello.

243. Uh, I just wanted to inform you

244. that my good friends here, um...

245. - Lucia. - Lucia.

246. - Mia. - And Mia.

247. They're my good friends.

248. - They are your good friends? - Yeah.

249. - Okay. - And they're gonna be visiting me this week.

250. Uh, a couple of nights maybe, not exactly sure.

251. But it seems like they're having trouble

252. getting into the hotel. So if you could just make sure

253. they get access, that would be wonderful.

254. Yeah. Um,

255. I'm afraid I will need to add their names on your room,

256. as we only allow our guests into the hotel.

257. Oh.

258. Um, well, all right. Let's do that then.

259. Add both their names to your room?

260. Sure.

261. Um, I'm afraid there is a little issue

262. because your room was booked only for two guests.

263. And if you are three,

264. this is going to be an extra charge.

265. Really?

266. Sorry about that.

267. We'd also have to charge for setting up the extra bed.

268. No, we don't need an extra bed.

269. Are you going to sleep

270. all in the same bed?

271. No... no.

272. They'll be coming and going. You see, they're locals.

273. They're my local friends.

274. Oh. They come and go. I see.

275. Okay, how about this? Why don't you, uh, put Lucia

276. on my room and add...

277. - Mia. - ... Mia to my father's room?

278. So she will be sleeping with your father.

279. No.

280. She's not staying anywhere.

281. They're just gonna be visiting me

282. and I'm hoping you're gonna let them in.

283. It's not that complicated, is it?

284. - It's not. - No.

285. Okay.

286. Yes, I will add their names.

287. - So we're good? - Yes.

288. - Thank you. - We welcome them.

289. Thank you.

290. - Okay, um... - Grazie.

291. Grazie.

292. - Thank you, thank you. - Uh, uh, yes. Okay. Listen.

293. Please don't make me regret this.

294. - Okay? - No. Yes.

295. Um, you charge some food,

296. charge a little vino, but don't go crazy.

297. No, no, no. We— We will don't go crazy.

298. The other thing is, I'm here with my father

299. and my son, so I can't really be seen with you.

300. - You understand that? - Yes, I understand.

301. I'll see you tonight.

302. - Bye. - Bye.

303. - Grazie. - Prego.

304. Venice is unbelievable.

305. We love Venice.

306. And the hotels! Cam really likes the Cipriani.

307. - Love it. - Because of the boat ride

308. through the lagoon into town.

309. So cool. I mean, that's living, honey.

310. - That is living. - It is, yes. But.

311. You have to go

312. and you have to stay at the Aman.

313. Trust me.

314. I cried when I saw the view from our room.

315. - Hmm. - And a princess lives there.

316. It's somebody's house!

317. It's wild, though. These European aristocrats,

318. - they have no money. - Yeah.

319. Like, I shit you not. They have all these palazzos,

320. - and they got no cash. - Uh-huh.

321. And they're so rude.

322. Oh, my God, are they rude.

323. - Yeah. - We could buy their palazzo,

324. and they'd treat us like we're, you know—

325. - Like bugs. - Yeah.

326. - Like disgusting bugs. - Yeah.

327. - That's funny. - Yeah.

328. Okay, so, you didn't go to Venice on your honeymoon.

329. - Where did you go? - Yeah.

330. We went to Puerto Rico.

331. Harper has, like, half her family out there, so...

332. That's right. Yeah, of course.

333. I remember you're half Puerto Rican.

334. - Yeah. - Yeah.

335. How is Puerto Rico?

336. - It's awesome. - Beautiful.

337. Yeah? That's cool.

338. - We should— we should go. - Yes.

339. - I mean, we should totally go. - Mm-hmm.

340. It's never really been on our radar.

341. - But we should check it out if you guys... - No. Yeah.

342. - ... say it's great. Yeah. - Yeah, you should.

343. And it's, um, it's a part of America,

344. - but it's not a s... state. - Right.

345. 'Cause it's, um...

346. - It's a territory. - Yes!

347. - Exactly. It's a territory. Duh. - Territory.

348. You should go. If you ever wanna go,

349. you could stay with my family in San Juan.

350. Yeah, we would love that.

351. That's so nice.

352. I'm gonna get sick.

353. You know what? You need to be in the photo.

354. - No, I don't. - You do.

355. - Yeah, get in the photo. - I don't need to be in the picture. Let's just go.

356. You're never in a cute little suit like that,

357. you're always in your underwear.

358. - Hey. - Yes?

359. - Hello. - Hi.

360. Yeah, could you take a photo of us...

361. - Yes. - ... on the Vespa?

362. - For sure. - Thank you.

363. - You look so pink. - Here.

364. Guess who I am?

365. - Uh... - Watch, watch.

366. Peppa Pig.

367. I'm Monica Vitti.

368. Monica Vitti's dead, but yes.

369. Oh, wait. Wait. One more with my mouth shut.

370. - Very sexy. Brava. - Mm.

371. Brava, Monica.

372. - Thank you. - You're welcome.

373. Uh...

374. Are you sure you don't need a car?

375. No, this is— This is the Italian dream.

376. Yes, but, uh, the road can be really tricky.

377. - Yeah, but we— - And you know, Sicilian drivers...

378. Is this the, uh, normal size of a Vespa?

379. Yes. Vespa, normal size. Yes.

380. Uh-oh.

381. - All right. - Oh, my God.

382. Oh.

383. (IN ENGLISH) Oh, shit.

384. - Jet skis? - Oh.

385. Oh, that's awesome. We gotta do that, huh?

386. Daph, come on, take them down the coast?

387. Ooh. No thanks.

388. Oh.

389. E-man, what about you? You'd be up for that?

390. I don't know, maybe.

391. Yeah, I guess.

392. You gotta have motor skills for something like that.

393. What's that supposed to mean?

394. I'm kidding, man, I'm kidding. So...

395. Little elephant in the room, how do you guys like being rich?

396. - Oh, Cameron. God. - What? Come on.

397. Major windfall, right?

398. I mean, nothing much has changed, to be honest.

399. Nice to be able to help people, I guess.

400. - Yeah. Right. - Yeah.

401. And helping Harper's parents, my sister.

402. Yeah, we're not very materialistic, so it's...

403. - Oh, yeah? - Harper's thinking

404. of starting a little foundation, actually.

405. Nice.

406. Yeah, I'm working with the Hispanic Federation.

407. Great.

408. Yeah, we're involved in a lot of charities.

409. - Right, Daph? - Mm-hmm.

410. You know, sometimes if I've had too much to drink,

411. I wake up the next day and I realize

412. - I've spent a lot of money. - Yeah.

413. - Like, a lot of money. - Like, all the money.

414. If I have had wine

415. and I'm scrolling and I see anything

416. with like neglected children or babies or abused animals,

417. it's like, I can't.

418. I mean, people are just so fucked up.

419. - Yeah. - Yeah.

420. Yeah, we're not just materialistic pigs.

421. Despite what you might think.

422. I don't— I don't think that.

423. No, I...

424. I don't think that.

425. I'm gonna go for a swim.

426. Have fun.

427. Something I said?

428. I'm gonna go for a swim.

429. Oh, my God.

430. What a view.

431. I think I'll sit down.

432. Oh.

433. - Ah! - You okay, Bert?

434. - Want some of my water? - Oh.

435. It was a long walk, Dad. You did great.

436. Mm.

437. That is lava, it's erupting.

438. Portia, Nonno.

439. - Her name's Portia. - Cara's my granddaughter.

440. - Hmm. - Who should be here.

441. Why isn't she here?

442. Dad, how many times do we have to go over this?

443. Well, she's my granddaughter and I wanted her here.

444. It hurts my feelings.

445. Well, you can tell her your feelings

446. next time you see her.

447. What did you do anyway?

448. What is so bad that you did?

449. - Fuck. - Nonno, come on.

450. Fine.

451. We're in Sicily. Isn't this incredible?

452. It— it's so old.

453. It is pretty crazy to wrap your head around.

454. You know, Hades raped Persephone right here in Sicily.

455. She was picking flowers and he burst through the earth

456. - and he raped her. - Okay, Nonno.

457. Well, that's what happened. He raped her.

458. Then, he dragged her down to the underworld.

459. Hmm. I didn't know that.

460. Demeter forgave Hades, and he raped her daughter!

461. I mean, whatever you've done can't be as bad as that.

462. As Hades. And the raping.

463. Had to do it. Sorry.

464. I thought you were a shark.

465. Hey, sorry about before, you know?

466. I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable,

467. I just...

468. I feel like I keep saying the wrong thing, you know?

469. I feel like you don't like me.

470. I like you. What?

471. Well, it's just important, I want you to like us.

472. I want you to like me.

473. I like you both.

474. Yeah. Definitely.

475. Good.

476. All right, I'll leave you to it.

477. Tanya.

478. Oh, my God.

479. Release your grip a little bit.

480. Tanya.

481. - Yeah? - I can't breathe.

482. We're in like— in a James Bond movie.

483. You're gonna make us crash.

484. Lucia.

485. Tanya, what are you doing?

486. I got a bug.

487. Careful.

488. It's fluttering around in there.

489. You're gonna make us crash. Be careful. Be careful!

490. Tanya!

491. Tanya. Hold on.

492. Oh!

493. Okay.

494. Um...

495. - Grazie. - Di niente.

496. Mm.

497. Ciao.

498. Ciao.

499. Mm-hmm.

500. Uh...

501. Brava! Brava, Mia!

502. Bravissima!

503. I think the restaurant's... here.

504. - This is the spot. - Right here.

505. Ciao.

506. - I can get that for you. - Thanks.

507. Oh, my God.

508. What?

509. Do you wanna leave?

510. Should we go?

511. Oh, there, let me do it. There we are. There it is.

512. Okay, thank you.

513. Okay.

514. I have to eat. You know, like I—

515. - Yeah. - I don't know what she— Ugh.

516. - Okay. - Yeah.

517. Um, but we can just ignore it.

518. - Okay. - Yeah.

519. - Cool. - Yeah. Maybe we could

520. just get a glass of wine, just—

521. Yeah, let's get a drink.

522. - Yeah. - Okay.

523. Why isn't she responding to me? It's not like my mom.

524. Come on, babe. They're— they're fine, all right?

525. Relax. Put your phone down. Drink your wine.

526. You're right. Okay. They're fine.

527. How about you guys? Do you wanna have kids?

528. Uh...

529. - Yeah. - Yeah. Yeah.

530. - We weren't sure for a while. - Yeah. We've debated it a lot.

531. - Mm-hmm. - Oh.

532. Yeah, you know, just bringing a kid into the world right now,

533. everything going on...

534. Never mind.

535. But we decided that we want to, so we've been trying.

536. - Cool. - Not that hard.

537. How long have you been trying?

538. Oh, I don't know. Not that long.

539. Problem is I'm more of a morning sex guy

540. and Harper is not a morning person.

541. - Hmm. - She's a night person.

542. But by then with work and stuff, I'm always fried. So...

543. Yeah, makes sense. - Yeah.

544. What? Is that not right?

545. So what you're saying is, you don't have sex.

546. No, we have s— We're good. We're—

547. - Never have sex. - We— we have sex.

548. - Oh. - No, the sex is amazing.

549. - Oh. Gotcha. - Uh-huh.

550. You know, just not gotten pregnant yet, is all.

551. I think it's...

552. hard to sync up sometimes, you know?

553. Yeah.

554. Especially with kids. I mean, it just gets worse.

555. I love my kids but it's, you know,

556. it's very stressful for me.

557. Not for him, but for me.

558. What? You kidding me? The last one almost killed me.

559. Cameron, it didn't almost kill you,

560. it almost killed me.

561. Well, it was a fucking nightmare.

562. Yeah, it was. I had to have an emergency cesarean.

563. They induced me and then suddenly

564. they couldn't find the baby's heartbeat. So...

565. I walk into the room and then...

566. Daphne's guts are all over the table, you know?

567. And— and they're looking for the baby,

568. like Daphne looks for something in her fucking purse and...

569. Her face. The...

570. look on her face.

571. It's in those moments you realize just how much

572. you love somebody, you know?

573. I love you. Sweet baby.

574. - Anyway. - Yeah, anyway.

575. - Change the subject. - Everything turned out great.

576. Your mistake was being sloppy.

577. What are we talking about?

578. That's what's unforgivable.

579. A man does what he has to do.

580. But you keep it tight. If you're sloppy,

581. it's like you're rubbing her face in it. Bad form.

582. Thanks for the tip.

583. You know, I don't think

584. you were as discreet as you think you were

585. regarding your own affairs.

586. Affairs. They weren't affairs, they were nothing.

587. They were peccadilloes.

588. Peccadilloes?

589. Fix it.

590. I don't know if I can.

591. Of course you can. Just get your act together.

592. My dad, uh, has cheated on my mom a lot.

593. - Mm-hmm. - And he just got caught again.

594. Yeah. But that's why my mom and sister aren't here.

595. They're really pissed.

596. Are you pissed?

597. Um...

598. yeah.

599. But I'm the peacemaker, so...

600. Oh.

601. So you're like the nice one in the family.

602. That's sweet.

603. Are you like that in, um, relationships and stuff?

604. Like, are you the "nice guy"?

605. Yeah. I try to be. Um...

606. Girls always complain that guys aren't nice,

607. but then if they find a nice guy,

608. they're not always interested.

609. - Hmm. - But...

610. I just don't wanna be like my dad.

611. You know?

612. I— I refuse to have a bad relationship with women.

613. Yeah.

614. I just wanna have fun.

615. Hmm.

616. Like, I just wanna...

617. I don't know, feel, like, fulfilled and have an adventure,

618. and, like, I'm sick of fucking TikTok

619. and— and Bumble, and just... screens and apps

620. and sitting there binging Netflix.

621. And I just... I just wanna, like, live.

622. I just wanna live my life, so badly.

623. I just feel like I just wanna meet someone who's like,

624. you know, totally ignorant of...

625. the discourse. You know?

626. Right. Right. Like—

627. like someone who lives in a cave.

628. Like a caveman.

629. Yeah, uh, yeah, I would date a caveman at this point. Yeah.

630. I mean... I think you could aim higher.

631. Honestly, I think you can do better than a caveman.

632. I think I just need to...

633. I don't know, like, up my meds or something.

634. Anyways, um, what about you?

635. What kind of girl or person do you wanna, you know,

636. be in a relationship with or see yourself with or...

637. Um...

638. I seem to be attracted to pretty...

639. wounded birds.

640. Got my pasta vongole with giant clams.

641. And then a Vespa ride with you.

642. You're wearing the shirt that I gave you.

643. You made my Italian dream come true.

644. Thank you very much.

645. I feel like Monica Vitti. I really do.

646. I wanted you to have a perfect day.

647. Before I told you the news.

648. What news?

649. I have to fly to Denver tomorrow.

650. What?

651. It's just for like two, three days.

652. We're only here for a week. Why?

653. They're trying to slash our budget.

654. I have to go out there and have a showdown

655. with these fuckers, and it's just bad timing.

656. Yeah. But, I mean, couldn't someone else do it?

657. You're on vacation.

658. Yeah. You insisted that we come to Sicily

659. and have this romantic week.

660. And then you... you freaked out

661. when I showed up with Portia.

662. But thank God, she's here, you know,

663. because otherwise I'd be— I'd be entirely alone.

664. Tanya, I didn't want this.

665. Well, can't you just quit

666. the Bureau of Land Management bullshit, whatever it is?

667. I can't quit. I can't afford to quit.

668. You made me sign a prenup. What if we don't work out?

669. If we don't work out, what am I supposed to do

670. without a job?

671. - We're gonna work out, Greg. - How do I know?

672. You change your mind about everything constantly.

673. You— you— You drop your friends.

674. You fire people on a dime.

675. I mean, you've been through—

676. How many fucking assistants have you been through?

677. You just discard people.

678. - You hate me, don't you? - Shut up. I do not.

679. - No, you do. - No, I don't.

680. No, I think you do.

681. You know what? I'm paying attention.

682. - Stop. I get it. - I am paying attention.

683. - I can tell you don't like me. - It's two days.

684. Let's not just go into one of these big dramas again, okay?

685. Fuck it, you're not coming back in two days. You know what?

686. You're just— you're a full-of-shit man.

687. You're very insincere. And I can just tell.

688. You know what? You never look me in the eye, ever.

689. Guess what? I'm telling you in your eye,

690. you're a piece of shit.

691. I hate you.

692. Come on, Tanya. Tanya!

693. It's always something with them.

694. - Uh, this is my room. - Oh.

695. Please don't repeat any of the shit that I told you

696. about my boss and her husband and stuff,

697. because I actually did sign an NDA

698. and I'm kinda paranoid about it.

699. Yeah, I'm gonna tell everyone I know.

700. No, I'm just kidding.

701. I— Yeah, of course, I would never do that.

702. Yeah, it'd be ridiculous if she actually sued me,

703. 'cause all I have is my laptop

704. and she has half a billion dollars.

705. Her dad was this big, like, shipping magnate guy

706. and owned like half of San Francisco.

707. And... and I don't think he molested her,

708. but he was definitely very pervy and inappropriate

709. and then it was kind of sad.

710. He actually ended up committing suicide and...

711. and I'm not supposed to be telling you that either.

712. Um...

713. can I kiss you?

714. Oh. Um...

715. sure.

716. - Yeah. - Yeah, okay.

717. Okay.

718. Um, I guess...

719. let's hang out tomorrow.

720. Okay.

721. Um, good night. Yeah. I had fun.

722. Fun. Great. Okay.

723. Good night.

724. Good night.

725. I'm sorry.

726. - For what? - For being a shrew.

727. I feel like I'm ruining this trip for everybody.

728. - No, you're not. - I just—

729. I don't know what my problem is.

730. I just feel like...

731. I feel like we're LARPing as rich people.

732. We're not LARPing. How— how are we LARPing?

733. And I don't know, I guess, I just don't want him

734. rubbing off on you.

735. You know, and I don't like the way he alpha dogs you.

736. He doesn't alpha dog me.

737. I mean, he kind of used to, I guess,

738. but... it's different now.

739. Oh, my God, is that why we're here?

740. So you can rub your success in his face?

741. No.

742. So you can finally win the arm wrestling contest.

743. No. There is no contest.

744. Well, whatever. From now on, I am going to be...

745. so fun. Okay?

746. - I promise. - Okay.

747. I love you.

748. I love you.

749. Do you wanna suck on my tits or jerk off on my face

750. or something? Fuck around?

751. I'm kinda beat.

752. Yeah, okay.

753. Ugh. She sucks.

754. Why would he marry her?

755. - She's pretty. - Yeah, I guess.

756. But she's such a pill.

757. You know, I think some women cut off their husband's balls

758. and then they wonder

759. why they're not attracted to them anymore.

760. Yeah. Don't you cut my balls off, baby.

761. I won't.

762. That's all I got, sugarplum.

763. - But you know what? - What?

764. - If I wanted to... - Uh-huh.

765. I could.

766. Buonasera!

767. Hello.

768. We had a great day.

769. We drank by the pool, we had dinner,

770. and I just wanted to thank you.

771. You're very welcome.

772. Um, but listen...

773. I'm having like a guilty conscience

774. kind of feeling, you know.

775. I'm— I'm just not feeling great about this. Uh, you're lovely.

776. You don't want me to come in?

777. Oh, I really do. You have no idea.

778. I have a problem

779. with sexual addiction and compulsion.

780. It's a— it's a real issue. And, uh...

781. I— I really need to get a handle on it,

782. like, quickly, if I'm gonna turn my situation around.

783. You understand?

784. I have my friend here, and she wants to thank you, too.

785. - Ciao. - Hi.

786. Thank you for my bikini.

787. You're welcome.

788. Sure you don't want us to come in?

789. Jeez.

790. You're making this very hard.

791. Please.

792. Oh, Lord.

793. - Mm. - Um...

794. Michele...

795. Do you like vodka?

796. Mia, get the vodka.

797. Mm-hmm.

798. Greg?

799. Greg?

800. Yeah, she's clueless as usual.

801. I'll be home tomorrow, give you a call when I get in.

802. All right, yeah, I love you too.

803. And I look forward to it.