1. Previously, on The West Wing:Copy !req
2. I made a deal with AbbeyCopy !req
3. 'cause of
my thing.Copy !req
4. One term.Copy !req
5. The energy secretary is goingCopy !req
6. to respond and I'd like
to mention thatCopy !req
7. to the Vice President.Copy !req
8. Shouldn't have
Bill Trotter do it.Copy !req
9. Who would you send?Copy !req
10. To punch back?
Yeah.Copy !req
11. Me.Copy !req
12. I'm sure you know
I was curious aboutCopy !req
13. why you'd volunteer
for something like that.Copy !req
14. Mr. Vice President, what
do you know that I don't?Copy !req
15. Toby, the total tonnage
of what I know that you don'tCopy !req
16. could stun a team of oxenCopy !req
17. in its tracks.Copy !req
18. That's an incredible
one in 500 AmericansCopy !req
19. afflicted with this disease,
which leads me to part twoCopy !req
20. of our question.Copy !req
21. Senator, how is it that,
despite the prevalenceCopy !req
22. of this disorder, autism
has received less than 15%...Copy !req
23. would gradually cutCopy !req
24. one percentage point
off each individual tax rateCopy !req
25. as well as significantly reduce
the so-called marriage penaltyCopy !req
26. it also would reduceCopy !req
27. the capital gains tax rate
for an individualCopy !req
28. and eventually eliminate
the inheritance tax.Copy !req
29. And Republicans say their work
is not necessarily in vain...Copy !req
30. Leo?Copy !req
31. Hey.Copy !req
32. I didn't know
you were still here.
Yeah.Copy !req
33. What's going on?Copy !req
34. I've been thinking...Copy !req
35. about why Hoynes volunteered
to slap down big oil.Copy !req
36. It was his polling information.Copy !req
37. Yeah, but why did he put
the poll in the field at allCopy !req
38. is what I'm saying.Copy !req
39. John Hoynes is an egomaniacCopy !req
40. who needs to be told
what people think of him.Copy !req
41. Well, that's pretty unusual
for Washington.Copy !req
42. Yeah.Copy !req
43. Leo, has there been
a discussionCopy !req
44. in some room, someplace,
anywhere, on any levelCopy !req
45. about Hoynes being dropped
from the ticket in 2002?Copy !req
46. No.Copy !req
47. You sure?Copy !req
48. Yeah.Copy !req
49. 'Cause I thoughtCopy !req
50. maybe it was
an Eisenhower/Nixon...Copy !req
51. No. Toby, I wouldn't give itCopy !req
52. a lot of thought.Copy !req
53. Okay.Copy !req
54. Hey.Copy !req
55. Scared the hell out of me.Copy !req
56. The poll that Hoynes
put in the field...Copy !req
57. Hoynes is going to run
for President one day.Copy !req
58. Why shouldn't he do
his own polling?Copy !req
59. He's going to run for President
six years from now.Copy !req
60. What good does last week's do?Copy !req
61. I really don't know.Copy !req
62. Okay.Copy !req
63. It's never happened before,
right?Copy !req
64. No.Copy !req
65. A Vice President would never
challenge a sitting PresidentCopy !req
66. for the nomination.Copy !req
67. Of course not.Copy !req
68. You see his itineraryCopy !req
69. for the weekend?Copy !req
70. Who?
The Vice President.Copy !req
71. I don't keep tabs on John.Copy !req
72. He's giving a speech
at a semiconductor plant.Copy !req
73. The title of the speech isCopy !req
74. "Clean Air Industry
in the High Tech CorridorCopy !req
75. of the Industrial
Northeast."Copy !req
76. Where?Copy !req
77. Nashua... New Hampshire.Copy !req
78. Toby, nobody—Copy !req
79. and particularly not Hoynes—
would be naive enou...Copy !req
80. What I mean to say is,
if he's going to New HampshireCopy !req
81. for the reason
you're thinkingCopy !req
82. he would mask it
with something.Copy !req
83. it wouldn't be an official trip.Copy !req
84. He'd make up a benign excuse
to be up there.Copy !req
85. I know.Copy !req
86. So, why are you concerned
about the speech?Copy !req
87. Because it comes in the middle
of a three-day camping tripCopy !req
88. to Killington.Copy !req
89. Why does Hoynes think
the PresidentCopy !req
90. isn't going to run again?Copy !req
91. What's going on, Leo?Copy !req
92. Excuse me, Mr. President.Copy !req
93. I closed the embassies
in Tanzania and Brussels.Copy !req
94. What about domestic?Copy !req
95. I don't have to make
that call yet.Copy !req
96. How much time do you have?Copy !req
97. About an hour.Copy !req
98. Mr. President,
I've got TobyCopy !req
99. waiting in his
office right now.Copy !req
100. Why?Copy !req
101. We've got to tell him.Copy !req
102. Tell him what?Copy !req
103. We've got to tell him.Copy !req
104. What happened?Copy !req
105. He got curiousCopy !req
106. when Hoynes
volunteered
to step inCopy !req
107. for Bill TrotterCopy !req
108. and then more curious
when he found outCopy !req
109. it was 'cause Hoynes
put a poll in the field.Copy !req
110. Yeah.Copy !req
111. Now he's campingCopy !req
112. in Killington, VermontCopy !req
113. with a quick stop
in New Hampshire...
Come on.Copy !req
114. and Toby's not an idiot.Copy !req
115. He...Copy !req
116. None of them are.Copy !req
117. He scheduled a trip
to New Hampshire?Copy !req
118. High Tech corridor
of the Northeast.Copy !req
119. Yeah, thanks to who?Copy !req
120. What does that
matter right now?Copy !req
121. I think you've got to see
this as an opportunity.Copy !req
122. To do what?Copy !req
123. To gauge reaction.Copy !req
124. You think Toby's reactionCopy !req
125. is going to be the sameCopy !req
126. as the public's?Copy !req
127. I meant the staff.
Which will be?Copy !req
128. I'm sorry, sir?Copy !req
129. The staff's reaction
will be what?Copy !req
130. I don't know.Copy !req
131. Shock, betrayal,
confusion...Copy !req
132. concern about our future.Copy !req
133. I don't know.Copy !req
134. What do I tell him?Copy !req
135. Everything.Copy !req
136. Go get him.Copy !req
137. Yes, sir.Copy !req
138. Now it starts.Copy !req
139. Hmm.Copy !req
140. Yes.Copy !req
141. Well...Copy !req
142. You know what the
problem with this is?Copy !req
143. Yes.Copy !req
144. It's supposed
to be funny.Copy !req
145. And yet...?
It's not.Copy !req
146. No.
Who worked on this?Copy !req
147. Jay Breech, Janet Lippman,
Andy Kyle worked on it a little.Copy !req
148. You know what
they did?Copy !req
149. Yeah.Copy !req
150. They forgot to
bring the funny.Copy !req
151. Yeah.Copy !req
152. How much time
do we have?Copy !req
153. I want to show it to him
within the hour.Copy !req
154. Toby.
Yeah?Copy !req
155. Sam and I are
going to stayCopy !req
156. and punch up
some of the jokesCopy !req
157. for the Correspondents' Dinner.Copy !req
158. Yeah, I read it.Copy !req
159. They forgot the funny.
You want to stay?Copy !req
160. Where you going to be?Copy !req
161. We'll find a place.Copy !req
162. I'll hook up with you
in a little bit.Copy !req
163. What's going on?
Nothing.Copy !req
164. Yeah.Copy !req
165. Hello.Copy !req
166. How you doing?Copy !req
167. I'm doing fine.Copy !req
168. Did you get the flowers?Copy !req
169. Yes, I did.Copy !req
170. Did you like them?Copy !req
171. They were very pretty.Copy !req
172. Do you know why
I sent them?Copy !req
173. I know why you think
you sent them.Copy !req
174. It's our
anniversary.
No, it's not.Copy !req
175. I'm the sort of guy
who remembers those things.Copy !req
176. No. You're the
sort of guyCopy !req
177. who sends a woman
flowers to be mean.Copy !req
178. You're really
the only personCopy !req
179. I've ever met
who can do that.Copy !req
180. I'm quite something.
Yes.Copy !req
181. I sent them
to mark an occasion.Copy !req
182. Are we really going
to do this every year?Copy !req
183. For I am a man
of occasion.Copy !req
184. I started working
for you in February.Copy !req
185. This is April,
and you're an idiot.Copy !req
186. You started
working for me
once in FebruaryCopy !req
187. then stopped
for a while.
Yes.Copy !req
188. Then you started
again in April.Copy !req
189. That's the one
I choose to celebrateCopy !req
190. 'cause it's the only
one where you started
working for meCopy !req
191. and it wasn't followed
by your not workingCopy !req
192. but rather going back
to your boyfriend.Copy !req
193. And how,
in comparison
to that and himCopy !req
194. you can call me "mean"Copy !req
195. is simply another
in a long seriesCopy !req
196. of examples of how...
Oh, shut up!Copy !req
197. Honest to God,
do you ever get tiredCopy !req
198. of the sound
of your own voice?Copy !req
199. No! No, no, no.Copy !req
200. Well, where are you
going now?Copy !req
201. Sam and I are going to punch
up the thing for tomorrow.Copy !req
202. Hey, we need funny people.Copy !req
203. Yeah?
You know any?Copy !req
204. See, right there
was a joke.Copy !req
205. It's the oldest joke
in the book.Copy !req
206. I'll say.Copy !req
207. You know what,
Ado Annie?Copy !req
208. I sent you flowers.Copy !req
209. I think what you're
trying to say isCopy !req
210. "Why, thank you, Josh,
they're beautiful.Copy !req
211. "How very
thoughtful of you.Copy !req
212. Not many bosses would've
been that thoughtful."Copy !req
213. Really? What I think I was
trying to say was, "Shove it."Copy !req
214. Then I guessed wrong.Copy !req
215. You want me to help
with the thing?Copy !req
216. Yes, I do because you are such
an hysterically funny person.Copy !req
217. Did you notice how I
used "an" there properly?Copy !req
218. Yes, I did.Copy !req
219. You crack me up.Copy !req
220. You know,
there are times...Copy !req
221. Yeah?Copy !req
222. When, to put it quite simply,
I hate your breathing guts.Copy !req
223. So, the flowers really
did the trick, huh?Copy !req
224. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
225. Ainsley?Copy !req
226. Ainsley.Copy !req
227. Ainsley?
Hello, Sam.Copy !req
228. Didn't you
hear me shouting?
Yes, I did.Copy !req
229. And?
I chose to ignore it.Copy !req
230. Because?
You were shouting.Copy !req
231. You're adorable.Copy !req
232. Yet ill-adored.Copy !req
233. Go figure.
Yeah.Copy !req
234. What are you doing?Copy !req
235. I'm going up to Smith
College tomorrow.Copy !req
236. Why?
It's my alma mater.Copy !req
237. Reunion?
No.Copy !req
238. The Woman's Studies Department
is having a panelCopy !req
239. on resurrecting the ERA.Copy !req
240. Who else is on the panel?Copy !req
241. Rebecca Walker,
Gloria SteinemCopy !req
242. Ann Coulter, Naomi Wolf...Copy !req
243. You know, something
like 40% of all womenCopy !req
244. opposed the ERACopy !req
245. and in my entire lifeCopy !req
246. I've never met
one of them.Copy !req
247. Ainsley Hayes.
Nice to meet you.Copy !req
248. You're not.Copy !req
249. Yes.Copy !req
250. You're not!Copy !req
251. Yes.Copy !req
252. You're not, you're not,
you're not one of those people!Copy !req
253. Sam, if by "those people"Copy !req
254. you're referring
to Episcopalians...Copy !req
255. You're going back to Smith
College, the cradle of feminismCopy !req
256. to argue in opposition
of the Equal Rights Amendment?Copy !req
257. And get some decent pizza.
Yeah.Copy !req
258. They're going
to hate you.
Sam...Copy !req
259. I'm a straight Republican
from North Carolina.Copy !req
260. You don't think they hated me
the first time around?Copy !req
261. Yeah.
What are you doing?Copy !req
262. I want to punch up
some of the jokesCopy !req
263. for the Correspondents' DinnerCopy !req
264. and I'm looking for people
left in the buildingCopy !req
265. who are funny,
but I can't find anyCopy !req
266. so I came to you.Copy !req
267. I would think, SamCopy !req
268. with your infectious
sense of humorCopy !req
269. you would have no trouble.Copy !req
270. You want to help me or not?Copy !req
271. I need to do this.Copy !req
272. We've ordered Chinese food.Copy !req
273. Okay.Copy !req
274. And Australia announced todayCopy !req
275. they're holding
the 18th Annual Nude Olympics.Copy !req
276. The Nude Olympics
in Australia, huh?Copy !req
277. You thought it was exciting
to win a race by a nose.Copy !req
278. Oh, you've got to watch this.Copy !req
279. Did you see the draft
for the Correspondents' Dinner?Copy !req
280. Yeah.Copy !req
281. It's not funny.Copy !req
282. Sam's going
to work on it.Copy !req
283. Toby, take it easy
in there, okay?Copy !req
284. You can go in.Copy !req
285. Good evening,
Mr. President.Copy !req
286. Hey, Toby.
You want a drink?Copy !req
287. No, thank you, sir.
I'm fine.Copy !req
288. Have a drink with me.Copy !req
289. Sure.Copy !req
290. Bourbon, no ice?Copy !req
291. Thank you.Copy !req
292. You know what
I just found out recently?Copy !req
293. To be called "bourbon"Copy !req
294. it has to come from Kentucky.Copy !req
295. Otherwise,
it's called "sour mash."Copy !req
296. An Algerian-born terroristCopy !req
297. named Reda Nessam was arrested
at the Canadian border yesterdayCopy !req
298. with a U-Haul containingCopy !req
299. ten two-ounce jarsCopy !req
300. filled with nitroglycerin.Copy !req
301. And they don't allow
that kind of thing at Yosemite?Copy !req
302. No.
AnywayCopy !req
303. on advice from State
and IntelligenceCopy !req
304. I closed the embassies
in Tanzania and Brussels.Copy !req
305. What about the FAA?Copy !req
306. They want me
to order the airportsCopy !req
307. to heighten security,
but it's a holiday weekend.Copy !req
308. I don't know.Copy !req
309. Toby, I've got
to tell you something.Copy !req
310. Does the FAACopy !req
311. have to present evidenceCopy !req
312. of a credible threat?
Yeah.Copy !req
313. How do they do that?Copy !req
314. I don't know.
They do it, but...
Is there a...?Copy !req
315. Sir, is there a time frame?Copy !req
316. About an hour.Copy !req
317. Toby, around ten years ago,
for a period of a few monthsCopy !req
318. I was feeling run down,
and I had a pain in my leg.Copy !req
319. They both eventually subsidedCopy !req
320. but then, eight years ago
the pain came backCopy !req
321. as well as numbness.Copy !req
322. My vision would be blurry
sometimes, and I'd get dizzy.Copy !req
323. During an eye examCopy !req
324. the doctor detected
abnormal pupil responsesCopy !req
325. and ordered an MRI.Copy !req
326. The radiologist found plaques
on my brain and spine.Copy !req
327. I have a relapsing/remitting
course of MS.Copy !req
328. I'm sorry, sir.Copy !req
329. I have Multiple Sclerosis, Toby.Copy !req
330. What does relapsing/
remitting mean?Copy !req
331. I'm sorry?
What doesCopy !req
332. relapsing/remitting mean?Copy !req
333. It's...Copy !req
334. I don't know...Copy !req
335. It's the good kind
of MS.Copy !req
336. It's the good kind.Copy !req
337. Yeah. As opposed
to secondary progressive.Copy !req
338. Which is the bad kind.Copy !req
339. MS is a chronic disease
of the central nervous system.Copy !req
340. Symptoms can be as mild
as numbnessCopy !req
341. or as severe as paralysis.Copy !req
342. And loss of vision.Copy !req
343. Yeah.Copy !req
344. And cognitive function.Copy !req
345. Yup.Copy !req
346. Is it...Copy !req
347. I'm sorry. Is it fatal?Copy !req
348. No. That's the good news.Copy !req
349. The bad news is
there's no cure.Copy !req
350. Yeah, that I knew.Copy !req
351. Does relapsing/remitting...Copy !req
352. Ever turn into
secondary progressive?Copy !req
353. Yeah.Copy !req
354. Sure.Copy !req
355. Is there any way
of telling if it's going to?Copy !req
356. No.Copy !req
357. Okay.Copy !req
358. I'd like to stand up.Copy !req
359. Can I stand?Copy !req
360. Yeah.Copy !req
361. I'm sorry, sir, uh...Copy !req
362. I need to...Copy !req
363. Can I, uh...Copy !req
364. Excuse me.Copy !req
365. Mr. President?Copy !req
366. Yeah.Copy !req
367. You wanted the
call from Mr.
Garreth at the FAA.Copy !req
368. Charlie, could you put it
through to my office?Copy !req
369. Yes, sir.Copy !req
370. Go take it in my office.Copy !req
371. See?
Yeah.Copy !req
372. Larry?
Yeah.Copy !req
373. See the problem?
They didn't bring
the funny, Josh.Copy !req
374. No, they didn't.Copy !req
375. What are you doing?Copy !req
376. I'm jotting down some go-to's
in case a joke doesn't work.Copy !req
377. "I haven't seen an audience
this dead"-- that kind of thing.Copy !req
378. You think the
President's going
to get heckled?Copy !req
379. No, but I've read the speech
and you'd be wiseCopy !req
380. to have
some dead audience metaphors.Copy !req
381. Okay, here we go.Copy !req
382. "Ladies and Gentlemen,
I am very happy to be hereCopy !req
383. "and I want to thankCopy !req
384. "the White House Correspondent"
Association for inviting me.Copy !req
385. "I expect I'll be
stuck here tonightCopy !req
386. "with my fair share
of verbal harpoons.Copy !req
387. "I don't mind.Copy !req
388. Just don't stick me
with the dinner check."Copy !req
389. Wow.Copy !req
390. And then it says here
"Allow for laughter."Copy !req
391. Unless we give
that instruction
to the audienceCopy !req
392. I don't think it's
going to be a problem.Copy !req
393. "I don't mind, just
don't stick me with
the dinner check"?Copy !req
394. It's like
he's playing Grossingers.Copy !req
395. "I know some of you are troubledCopy !req
396. "by my frequent use
of Latin references.Copy !req
397. Well, all I can say is,
No te preocupas."Copy !req
398. The joke there is
that it's in Spanish.Copy !req
399. It's that kind of Latin.Copy !req
400. That's where
you'll wantCopy !req
401. your first
dead audience joke.Copy !req
402. We're not going
to need one.Copy !req
403. Donna, who gave you
those beautiful flowers?Copy !req
404. I did. Me.
Those are from me.Copy !req
405. What's the occasion?
Nothing.Copy !req
406. Our anniversary.Copy !req
407. Our not anniversary.Copy !req
408. Donna doesn't like
to talk about it.Copy !req
409. I really don't.
Okay.Copy !req
410. A few years ago, Donna's
boyfriend broke upCopy !req
411. with her, so she
started workingCopy !req
412. for Josh.Copy !req
413. Then the
boyfriend told herCopy !req
414. to come back, and
she did and thenCopy !req
415. they broke up,
and she came back to work.Copy !req
416. I thought you meant
you didn't want
to talk about it.Copy !req
417. I'm a spokesman.
It's in my blood.Copy !req
418. Well, they're
nice flowers.Copy !req
419. "And I'd also like
to thank our hostCopy !req
420. Bill Maher."
We're not making
fun of the host.Copy !req
421. Who are we making fun of?
Republicans.Copy !req
422. I only wish the
Speaker were hereCopy !req
423. tonight, but he's held up
in negotiations on the Hill.Copy !req
424. He's demanding
his latest pre-nupCopy !req
425. include
a line item veto?Copy !req
426. There it is.
All right, two groups.Copy !req
427. You guys there.
We'll stay here.Copy !req
428. I want to be
in the other group.Copy !req
429. Why?
The Kung Pao Chicken.Copy !req
430. Get the Kung
Pao Chicken
and come back.Copy !req
431. In a half hour,
I want to make Toby laugh.Copy !req
432. So I found out
about a year ago.Copy !req
433. Two nights before the
State of the Union.Copy !req
434. He had an attack.Copy !req
435. He did?Copy !req
436. When he passed out
in the Oval Office.Copy !req
437. That was an attack?Copy !req
438. Yeah.Copy !req
439. I thought
it was the flu.Copy !req
440. It wasn't.Copy !req
441. How is it poss...Copy !req
442. How is it possible
that this was kept a secret?Copy !req
443. First of all,
who else knows?Copy !req
444. You're the 16th person.Copy !req
445. Who else?
I'll tell you
some of them.Copy !req
446. I won't tell you
all of them.Copy !req
447. Why not?Copy !req
448. 'Cause it's not entirely
my business.Copy !req
449. I'm not sure
of my footing here.Copy !req
450. The President will be
off the phone in a minuteCopy !req
451. and in the meantime,
you'll take what I give you.Copy !req
452. It's not entirely
your business?Copy !req
453. The First Lady.Copy !req
454. The doctor, radiologistCopy !req
455. the specialist,
the kids...Copy !req
456. Who else?Copy !req
457. That's it for now.
He took a physical.Copy !req
458. Those doctors were
from eight years ago.Copy !req
459. He took a physical.Copy !req
460. It's in remission.Copy !req
461. It doesn't show up
during a physical...Copy !req
462. Leo...
It's in remission.Copy !req
463. Nobody lied.Copy !req
464. Nobody lied?Copy !req
465. Nobody.Copy !req
466. Nobody lied?Copy !req
467. Is that what you've been saying
to yourself over and overCopy !req
468. again for a year?Copy !req
469. Leo, a deception
of massive proportion?Copy !req
470. I can't even...
He gets a physicalCopy !req
471. twice a year
at Bethesda.Copy !req
472. His doctors
are Naval officers.Copy !req
473. Are you telling me that officers
are involved in this?Copy !req
474. These guys are going to be
court-martialed.Copy !req
475. Nobody... Listen to me.Copy !req
476. Nobody lied.Copy !req
477. Nobody was asked to lie.Copy !req
478. Coercion.Copy !req
479. Nobody was asked to lie.Copy !req
480. Officers, the First
Lady, surgeonsCopy !req
481. Surgeon Generals,
for all I know.Copy !req
482. The plural of Surgeon General
isn't Surgeon GeneralsCopy !req
483. It's Surgeons General.Copy !req
484. Like Attorneys General,
or Courts Martial.Copy !req
485. Nobody was asked to lie.Copy !req
486. That was Garreth
from the FAA.Copy !req
487. Upon interrogating
Reda NessamCopy !req
488. they believe it's possible
that another rental carCopy !req
489. crossed the border yesterday.Copy !req
490. They believe
it's headedCopy !req
491. to a safe house
in Paterson, New JerseyCopy !req
492. and the FBI thinksCopy !req
493. they can apprehend him
in 24 hours.Copy !req
494. Of course, the only way
all of this will happenCopy !req
495. is if Reda Nessam
is telling the truth.Copy !req
496. So who wants odds?Copy !req
497. Anyway, they're stillCopy !req
498. looking at forensic evidence,
and we're goingCopy !req
499. to talk again in a few minutesCopy !req
500. to decide if there's
a credible threat.Copy !req
501. I'm sorry, sir.Copy !req
502. I didn't hear that.Copy !req
503. I said we're going to decide
if there's a credible threat.Copy !req
504. Why?Copy !req
505. What are you guys
talking about?Copy !req
506. Hey.Copy !req
507. How you doing?Copy !req
508. You have any idea how much
longer Toby's going to be?Copy !req
509. I don't.Copy !req
510. Let me ask you, you think
this joke's funny?Copy !req
511. I'm sorry
the Speaker isn't hereCopy !req
512. he's up on the Hill in
last-minute negotiations.Copy !req
513. He's going over his pre-nup
and he wants a line item veto.Copy !req
514. Well, I think it's
pretty funny, but...Copy !req
515. What?Copy !req
516. I wouldn't do it.
Why?Copy !req
517. I think it's going
to call attentionCopy !req
518. to the First Lady
not being there.Copy !req
519. Where's Mrs. Bartlet
going to be?Copy !req
520. She went back up
to Manchester.Copy !req
521. She's not coming to the
Correspondents' Dinner?Copy !req
522. Probably not.Copy !req
523. Charlie, what's going on?Copy !req
524. Sorry.Copy !req
525. All right.Copy !req
526. You don't know
when Toby's out?Copy !req
527. No.Copy !req
528. Okay.Copy !req
529. All right, here we go.Copy !req
530. "Equality of Rights
under the lawCopy !req
531. "shall not be denied
or abridgedCopy !req
532. by the United States or any
state on account of sex."Copy !req
533. What's the joke?Copy !req
534. It's not a joke.
It's the Equal
Rights Amendment.Copy !req
535. When did that
come back?Copy !req
536. Read what
these guys have.Copy !req
537. "Shall not be
abridged or deniedCopy !req
538. on the account of sex."Copy !req
539. Very dangerous
language.Copy !req
540. This must be
stopped.Copy !req
541. What could possibly be
your problem with the ERA?
It's redundant.Copy !req
542. Why are we talking
about the ERA?Copy !req
543. She's doing a thing.Copy !req
544. Yeah, but it's not back
or anything, is it?Copy !req
545. Certainly not if
Phyllis Schlafly over
here has her way.Copy !req
546. Look...
It's redundant?Copy !req
547. I'm a low-
maintenance ladyCopy !req
548. I got the 14th Amendment,
I'm fine.Copy !req
549. How about...Copy !req
550. The 14th Amendment,
which saysCopy !req
551. that a citizen of the
United States is anyoneCopy !req
552. that's born here,
that's meCopy !req
553. and that no citizen can
be denied due process.Copy !req
554. I'm covered.Copy !req
555. Make a law for somebody else.Copy !req
556. Here's a joke based
on the premiseCopy !req
557. that the party afterward
is hard to get intoCopy !req
558. and that the President is
the Commander in Chief.Copy !req
559. I hear the Bloomberg partyCopy !req
560. is going to be hard
to get into this yearCopy !req
561. but I'm not worried.Copy !req
562. I'm going to the party
with the 82nd Airborne.Copy !req
563. And then
the President saysCopy !req
564. "Wow, I haven't heard
a room this quietCopy !req
565. since we lost
the signal on Galileo."Copy !req
566. Or, "Wow, I haven't
seen my staffCopy !req
567. update their resumes
this quicklyCopy !req
568. since the last time I tanked
at the Correspondents' Dinner!"Copy !req
569. Josh...
Yeah?Copy !req
570. When you yell,
you make it harderCopy !req
571. for people to find the funny.Copy !req
572. Who gave you
those flowers on your desk?Copy !req
573. A mean man
who can't read a calendar.Copy !req
574. Sam.Copy !req
575. We're doing fine.Copy !req
576. Toby's going to come
in here and nail it.Copy !req
577. This is his thing.Copy !req
578. Yeah, cut the Speaker
joke, okay?Copy !req
579. Mrs. Bartlet
might not be there.Copy !req
580. Okay.Copy !req
581. All right, so we're
going to be fine here.Copy !req
582. Yeah, we're doing great.Copy !req
583. We're doing great,
everybody, right?Copy !req
584. Sam, we've got one hereCopy !req
585. but it involves a John Wayne
impersonation and a sock puppet.Copy !req
586. Yeah, we're eating it.Copy !req
587. Leo said you had
an attack last year.Copy !req
588. Hmm?Copy !req
589. Leo said you had
an attack last year.Copy !req
590. Yeah.Copy !req
591. A couple of nights before
the State of the Union.Copy !req
592. Yeah.Copy !req
593. Wasn't that also the nightCopy !req
594. you saw satellite pictures
of India moving on Kashmir?Copy !req
595. Yeah.Copy !req
596. India and Pakistan were
staring each other downCopy !req
597. control of some nuclear weapons
had been put in the field.Copy !req
598. Yeah.Copy !req
599. So in the middle of a...
I don't know what you call it.Copy !req
600. An episode.Copy !req
601. You were in the Situation Room
as Commander in Chief.Copy !req
602. I know, I can't believe
we're all still here.Copy !req
603. Mr. President...Copy !req
604. The episode was over.Copy !req
605. Leo was with meCopy !req
606. the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs
was with meCopy !req
607. as were the Secretaries of StateCopy !req
608. and Defense.
Do you receive medication?Copy !req
609. I'm sorry?Copy !req
610. Do you receive medicat...Copy !req
611. I get injections of Betaseron.Copy !req
612. From whom?Copy !req
613. From a doctor.Copy !req
614. None of your current doctors
are aware of your condition.Copy !req
615. Mr. President,
is your wife medicating you?Copy !req
616. I think it would be bestCopy !req
617. while temperatures
are running a little highCopy !req
618. that you refer to my wife as
Mrs. Bartlet or the First Lady.Copy !req
619. Yes, sir.Copy !req
620. What you got, Leo?Copy !req
621. They'd like a few more minutes.Copy !req
622. The FAA?
Yeah.Copy !req
623. Talk me through what
heightened security means.Copy !req
624. Well, they deploy
more uniformed
police and the dogs.Copy !req
625. They hand-search
luggage.Copy !req
626. And they discontinue...Copy !req
627. curbside
check-in, yeah.Copy !req
628. Eliminate the
first two rows of
short-term parking.Copy !req
629. Okay, they want
a few minutes?Copy !req
630. Yeah.Copy !req
631. Toby's concerned
that the peacefulCopy !req
632. solution I brokered
in Kashmir last year
was the resultCopy !req
633. of a drug-induced haze.Copy !req
634. I was there with him.
So was Fitz.Copy !req
635. So was Cashman,
Hutchinson, Berryhill...Copy !req
636. Well, that's fantastic.Copy !req
637. Toby...
None of you were elected.Copy !req
638. I was elected,
they were appointed.Copy !req
639. The Vice President was elected.Copy !req
640. He has the Constitutional
authority to assume my...Copy !req
641. Not last May, he didn't.Copy !req
642. He didn't last May when you were
under general anesthesia.Copy !req
643. 'Cause I never
signed the letter,
but I don'tCopy !req
644. think I got shot
'cause I got MS.Copy !req
645. I don't think you did either,
sir.Copy !req
646. I meant that during a night
of extreme chaos and fearCopy !req
647. when we didn't yet know
if we'd been the victimsCopy !req
648. of domestic or
foreign terrorismCopy !req
649. or even an act of warCopy !req
650. there was uncertainty
as to who was givingCopy !req
651. the national security ordersCopy !req
652. and it was because
you never signed a letter.Copy !req
653. So I'm led to wonderCopy !req
654. given your condition and
its lack of predictabilityCopy !req
655. why there isn't simply
a signed letterCopy !req
656. sitting in a file someplace.Copy !req
657. And the answer of course is that
if there was a signed letterCopy !req
658. sitting in a file someplace,
somebody would ask why.Copy !req
659. The Commander in Chief
had just been attacked.Copy !req
660. He was under
a general anesthetic.Copy !req
661. A fugitive was at large.Copy !req
662. The manhunt includedCopy !req
663. every Federal, state and local
law enforcement agency.Copy !req
664. The Virginia, Maryland,
New Jersey, PennsylvaniaCopy !req
665. and Delaware National Guard
units were federalized.Copy !req
666. The KH-10s showed Republican
Guard movement in southern IraqCopy !req
667. and 12 hours earlier, an F-117
was shot down in the no-flyCopy !req
668. and the Vice President's
authority was murky at best!Copy !req
669. The National Security Advisor
and the Secretary of StateCopy !req
670. didn't know who they were
taking their orders from.Copy !req
671. I wasn't in the Situation
Room that nightCopy !req
672. but I'll bet
all the money in my pocketsCopy !req
673. against all the money
in your pocketsCopy !req
674. that it was Leo...Copy !req
675. who no one elected!Copy !req
676. For 90 minutes that nightCopy !req
677. there was a coup d'etat
in this country.Copy !req
678. "And the walls
came tumblin' down."Copy !req
679. I feel fine, by the way.
Thanks for asking.Copy !req
680. Sir...Copy !req
681. No, Leo, Toby's concernCopy !req
682. for my health
is moving me...Copy !req
683. Mr. President...Copy !req
684. Shut up!Copy !req
685. You know your indignation
would be a lot more
interesting to meCopy !req
686. if it weren't quite
so covered in crap.Copy !req
687. Sir?
Yeah.Copy !req
688. Mr. Garreth.
Thanks.Copy !req
689. Are you pissed 'cause
I didn't say anythingCopy !req
690. or are you pissed 'cause
there were 15 peopleCopy !req
691. who knew before you did?Copy !req
692. I feel fine by the way.
Thanks for asking.Copy !req
693. Take the call in here.Copy !req
694. We'll step outside
for a minute.Copy !req
695. Yeah, this is the President.Copy !req
696. Self-deprecation.Copy !req
697. Yes.
Self-deprecation's
what we need.Copy !req
698. Yes.Copy !req
699. Self-deprecation is
the appetizer of charm.Copy !req
700. We need jokes
about the staff.Copy !req
701. We need jokes
about the staff.Copy !req
702. Let's start
with you.Copy !req
703. Problem is there
aren't many jokes
you can make about me.Copy !req
704. How about this.
Um, "Knock-Knock."Copy !req
705. "Who's there?"
"Sam and his prostitute friend."Copy !req
706. See, I think that was a bit
of misdirected anger there.Copy !req
707. I'm okay with that.
Well, in that caseCopy !req
708. Ainsley, you know why
I got you flowers in
April instead of February?Copy !req
709. 'Cause you ditched me
the first time aroundCopy !req
710. to go back to the
guy who ditched youCopy !req
711. the first time
around, only to haveCopy !req
712. him ditch you
the second time around.Copy !req
713. Ow. What the hell?
That was him.Copy !req
714. He was being you.Copy !req
715. Well in fairness,
I think everybody
should have a turn.Copy !req
716. Sam, is there anythingCopy !req
717. we can pull,
anything funny we can recycle?Copy !req
718. Yeah, pull something I wrote
from OctoberCopy !req
719. called Government-wide
AccountabilityCopy !req
720. for Merit System Principles.Copy !req
721. That one was
a barn burner, was it?Copy !req
722. Do you have any idea how
much grief I took from
him when I came back?Copy !req
723. How much?Copy !req
724. None.Copy !req
725. I walked in the door.
He said, "Thank God.Copy !req
726. There's a pile of stuff
on the desk."Copy !req
727. This is his way.Copy !req
728. He's just going to snark me
every April.Copy !req
729. The prince of passive/
aggressive behavior.Copy !req
730. What does snark mean?Copy !req
731. I don't know, but he's doing it.Copy !req
732. Is there any
coffee left?Copy !req
733. In the mess.
Anybody want
anything?Copy !req
734. You think they
have cheesecake
down there?Copy !req
735. It's a quarter after midnight.Copy !req
736. The pastry chef usually stays on
till dawn.Copy !req
737. I'll go see what there is.Copy !req
738. You know, we should make
a joke about womenCopy !req
739. 'cause there's
no law against thatCopy !req
740. or paying them
less money than men.Copy !req
741. Well, there is
a law against that.Copy !req
742. It's the Pay Equity Act.Copy !req
743. It was passed in 1964Copy !req
744. when women were making
59 cents to the dollar.Copy !req
745. What are you
making now?Copy !req
746. Seventy-nine cents.Copy !req
747. So, everything's fine.Copy !req
748. No, there are still
some problems,
but I'm not worriedCopy !req
749. 'cause the Federal
Government's coming
to the rescue.Copy !req
750. Look—Copy !req
751. You think pay disparity
is 'cause some sexist
in human resourcesCopy !req
752. hired two people for
equal positions and
paid the man more?Copy !req
753. Oftentimes, women—
And oftentimes,
women make less moneyCopy !req
754. over the course of
their lifetime because
they choose to.Copy !req
755. Oh, good night, nurse.Copy !req
756. They do not choose
to make less money.Copy !req
757. They're financially punished
for having kids.Copy !req
758. They made a choice
to have kids.Copy !req
759. Well, not necessarily,
if you guys have your way.Copy !req
760. But that's
a different can of tuna.Copy !req
761. I flat out guarantee you
that if men were biologicallyCopy !req
762. responsible for procreation,
there'd be paid family leaveCopy !req
763. in every
Fortune 500.Copy !req
764. Sam, if men were biologically
responsible for procreationCopy !req
765. they'd fall down and die
at the first sonogram.Copy !req
766. If the Amendment
is redundantCopy !req
767. then what's your problem
if it's passed or not?Copy !req
768. Because I'm
a Republican.
Have we met?Copy !req
769. I believe that every
time the Federal
GovernmentCopy !req
770. hands down a new law,
it leavesCopy !req
771. for the rest of us,
a little less freedom.Copy !req
772. So I say, let's just stick
to the ones we absolutely needCopy !req
773. in order to have water come out
of the faucetCopy !req
774. and our cars not stolen.Copy !req
775. That is my problem with passing
a redundant law.Copy !req
776. Sam?
Yeah.Copy !req
777. The all-night pastry
chef, you were just
kidding about that, right?Copy !req
778. Yeah.Copy !req
779. He's still on with State
and the FAA guys.Copy !req
780. So Hoynes knows?Copy !req
781. Hmm?Copy !req
782. Hoynes is one of the 16?Copy !req
783. Yeah.Copy !req
784. And he thinks
the President
won't run again.Copy !req
785. He thinks
there's a chance.Copy !req
786. Will he?Copy !req
787. Will the President run?Copy !req
788. Where's the First Lady?Copy !req
789. In Manchester.Copy !req
790. Why'd she come to me after
the State of the Union...?Copy !req
791. Toby...Copy !req
792. Why, why's she mad
at the President?Copy !req
793. It's because the State
of the Union set up
the reelection run.Copy !req
794. And somehow, she's under
the impression that's not
supposed to happen.Copy !req
795. The First Lady...Copy !req
796. I have no kind
of investigative mind, zero.Copy !req
797. It took me six days
and 23 minutes to figure it out.Copy !req
798. He'll run.Copy !req
799. Yeah.Copy !req
800. Yeah, 'cause we stood in that
office a couple months agoCopy !req
801. you and I, and you said,
"Take my hand.Copy !req
802. We just..."Copy !req
803. Never mind.Copy !req
804. He'll run.Copy !req
805. Hoynes was 14.Copy !req
806. Who was 15?Copy !req
807. Dr. David Lee...Copy !req
808. the anesthesiologist at G.W.Copy !req
809. He had to know about
the Betaseron.Copy !req
810. Getting back to Hoynes—Copy !req
811. I'm sorry, Leo, but I need you
to look at me right nowCopy !req
812. and tell me the doctor's not
under any kind of surveillance.Copy !req
813. The doctor's free to talk
to whomever he likes.Copy !req
814. Well, I'm sure we're going
to find that out soon enough.Copy !req
815. He's not going
to leak it.
Someone will.Copy !req
816. Toby...Copy !req
817. Leo, Hoynes left
bread crumbs.Copy !req
818. He, he wanted me to find out.
A camping trip to Killington?Copy !req
819. That was a
jackass move.
I don't think so.Copy !req
820. I think he may be the
only one around here
who's acting responsibly.Copy !req
821. To who?Copy !req
822. The Democratic Party.Copy !req
823. It's seven and a half months
till the Iowa caucusCopy !req
824. and no one's been told
the President might not
be the nominee?Copy !req
825. He's going to run.Copy !req
826. He may not have
that option, Leo.Copy !req
827. When this story
breaks, it will be
because we broke it.Copy !req
828. And we'll control it.Copy !req
829. And the public
will accept it.Copy !req
830. It's not like
it's unprecedentedCopy !req
831. that a President
conceal health issues.Copy !req
832. What do you think
is going to happen?Copy !req
833. I mean it, what
do you think is
going to happen?Copy !req
834. Well...Copy !req
835. I suppose one of...Copy !req
836. five things.Copy !req
837. The President can decide
not to run.Copy !req
838. He can run and not win.Copy !req
839. He can run and win.Copy !req
840. And, what are
the other two?Copy !req
841. Leo...Copy !req
842. You think he's going
to need to resign?Copy !req
843. There's going to beCopy !req
844. hearing upon hearing
upon hearing.Copy !req
845. He hasn't broken a law.Copy !req
846. The President's
on his way back.Copy !req
847. Thanks.Copy !req
848. Says you.Copy !req
849. And you don't have
to break the lawCopy !req
850. to get served
with Articles of Impeachment.Copy !req
851. Toby, it is never going
to get that far.Copy !req
852. Write down the exact date
and time you said that.Copy !req
853. See, the thing about me,
is that mine is a dry wit.Copy !req
854. And a dry wit,
like a fine martiniCopy !req
855. is best enjoyed...Copy !req
856. Uh-oh.Copy !req
857. Yeah, nowhere to go there.Copy !req
858. What the hell took so long?Copy !req
859. We got the coffee,
but then I spilled it
coming up the stairs.Copy !req
860. You know, the
first couple times.
Where's Josh?Copy !req
861. For how long?
You sentl've had time to spill
to get tcoffee, you know, a lot.Copy !req
862. I'll find him.Copy !req
863. So, guys...Copy !req
864. Yeah.
When I was
downstairsCopy !req
865. I made a decision:
I'm registering with
the Republican Party.Copy !req
866. And I'll tell you why,
if you're curious.Copy !req
867. Because they're a
freedom-loving people.Copy !req
868. We also like beef.Copy !req
869. You know, you insist
the Government
is depravedCopy !req
870. for not legislating
against what we can
see on the newsstandsCopy !req
871. or what we can see
in an art exhibitCopy !req
872. or what we can
burn in protestCopy !req
873. or which sex
we're allowed
to have sex withCopy !req
874. or a woman's
right to choose.Copy !req
875. But don't you dare
try and regulateCopy !req
876. this deadly weapon
I have concealed on meCopy !req
877. for that would encroach
against my freedom.Copy !req
878. Yeah, and Democrats believe
in free speechCopy !req
879. as long as it isn't prayer
while you're standing in school.Copy !req
880. You believe in the Freedom
of Information ActCopy !req
881. except if you want
to find outCopy !req
882. if your 14-year-old daughter's
had an abortion.Copy !req
883. We believe in the ERA.Copy !req
884. Well, go get 'em.Copy !req
885. How can you have an
objection to some-
thing that says...Copy !req
886. Because it's humiliating.Copy !req
887. A new Amendment
we vote on declaringCopy !req
888. that I am equal
under the law to a man?Copy !req
889. I am mortified
to discoverCopy !req
890. there's reason to believe
I wasn't before.Copy !req
891. I am a citizen
of this country.Copy !req
892. I am not a special subset
in need of your protection.Copy !req
893. I do not have to have my
rights handed down to meCopy !req
894. by a bunch of
old, white men.Copy !req
895. The same Article 14
that protects youCopy !req
896. protects me.Copy !req
897. And I went to law school
just to make sure.Copy !req
898. And with that, I'm going back
down to the messCopy !req
899. because I thought I may have
seen there, a peach.Copy !req
900. I could've countered thatCopy !req
901. but I'd already moved on
to other things in my head.Copy !req
902. Josh.Copy !req
903. Oh.Copy !req
904. Well, that
was predictable.Copy !req
905. Yes.Copy !req
906. I'm trying to find
that speech Sam said.Copy !req
907. You know, we keep
them on computer.Copy !req
908. Well, yeah, sure, I suppose...Copy !req
909. Except you don't know
how to use a computer.
Right.Copy !req
910. Josh, Josh, Josh.Copy !req
911. Yes.Copy !req
912. Joshua, Josh, Josh.Copy !req
913. What the hell is happening now?Copy !req
914. You feel, I believe, because
you're quite addlemindedCopy !req
915. that this job was
my second choice.Copy !req
916. Hey I'm just grateful we were
your last choice.Copy !req
917. I'm going to give you
a little gift right now,
which you don't deserve.Copy !req
918. Donna, if you've got your
old Catholic school uniformCopy !req
919. on under there,
don't get me wrongCopy !req
920. I applaud the thought, but—Copy !req
921. Okay, what I need is
for you to stop beingCopy !req
922. like... you
for a second.Copy !req
923. Okay.
When I came backCopy !req
924. you remember I had
a bandage on my ankle?Copy !req
925. Yeah.
I told you
I slippedCopy !req
926. on the ice on
the front walk?Copy !req
927. Yeah, you know why?
'Cause you didn'tCopy !req
928. put down the kitty litter.
I was actually in
a car accident.Copy !req
929. You were in
a car accident?
It was...Copy !req
930. Seriously, you were in
an accident?Copy !req
931. It was no big deal.Copy !req
932. You told me it was a late thaw.Copy !req
933. Yes... I did.Copy !req
934. Anyway, they took me
to the hospitalCopy !req
935. and I called him,
and he came down to get me.Copy !req
936. And on the way...Copy !req
937. he stopped and met some friends
of his for a beer.Copy !req
938. He stopped on the way
to the hospital for a beer?Copy !req
939. Yes.Copy !req
940. And so I left him.Copy !req
941. Which was the point
of my telling you this.Copy !req
942. I left him.Copy !req
943. So stop remembering that.Copy !req
944. What I remember
is that you took me backCopy !req
945. when you had absolutely
no reason to trust me againCopy !req
946. and you didn't make fun of me
or himCopy !req
947. and you had
every reason to.Copy !req
948. Donna...Copy !req
949. You're going to make fun
of him now, aren't you?
No.Copy !req
950. 'Cause that's why I didn't
tell you in the first place.Copy !req
951. I'm not going to
make fun of him.
Good.Copy !req
952. But just what kind of
a dumpkiss were you...Copy !req
953. He was supposed to meet
some of his friends.Copy !req
954. He stopped on the way
to say he couldn't.Copy !req
955. And had a beer?
Does this make you
feel superior?Copy !req
956. Yes, you are betterCopy !req
957. than my old boyfriend.Copy !req
958. I'm, I'm just sayingCopy !req
959. if you were in an
accident, I wouldn't
stop for a beer.Copy !req
960. If you were in an
accident, I wouldn't
stop for red lights.Copy !req
961. Thanks for taking me back.Copy !req
962. Oh, and the flowers
are beautiful.Copy !req
963. Why not
heighten security?Copy !req
964. Hmm?Copy !req
965. At the airports, why
not heighten security?
What's the downside?Copy !req
966. Sorry about that.Copy !req
967. What's going on?Copy !req
968. Charlie?Copy !req
969. I've got to
make the call.Copy !req
970. Yes, sir.Copy !req
971. Let's get
Garreth back.Copy !req
972. Toby was just asking
what the downsideCopy !req
973. of going to a security
condition was.Copy !req
974. The scanners they use take
an hour to search the luggageCopy !req
975. of 250 passengers.Copy !req
976. The condition requires
two photo I.D.s.Copy !req
977. Most people only have one.Copy !req
978. Delays.Copy !req
979. Delays are the downside.Copy !req
980. Mr. Garreth.Copy !req
981. That timed out well.Copy !req
982. Hal, okay, let's do it.Copy !req
983. I'm ordering
the airportsCopy !req
984. to a 2-condition.Copy !req
985. You'll have
it in writingCopy !req
986. in about five minutes.Copy !req
987. Thanks.Copy !req
988. I didn't know enough.Copy !req
989. I know the feeling.Copy !req
990. I have no intention
of apologizing to you, Toby.Copy !req
991. Would you mind
if I ask why not?Copy !req
992. 'Cause you're not the oneCopy !req
993. with MS, a wife, three
kids and airports to close.Copy !req
994. Not every part of me
belongs to you.Copy !req
995. This was personal.Copy !req
996. I'm not willing
to relinquish that right.Copy !req
997. It will appear to
many, if not mostCopy !req
998. as fraud.Copy !req
999. It will appear
as if you deniedCopy !req
1000. the voters
an opportunityCopy !req
1001. to decide
for themselves.Copy !req
1002. They're generally
not willingCopy !req
1003. to relinquish
that right, either.Copy !req
1004. Yeah.Copy !req
1005. Mr. President,
at some point in the near futureCopy !req
1006. we're going to have to speak
to some lawyers.Copy !req
1007. Well that's what usually brings
on the episodesCopy !req
1008. but if you say so.Copy !req
1009. It's 17 people, by the way.Copy !req
1010. I'm sorry?Copy !req
1011. You knew.Copy !req
1012. We weren't counting you.Copy !req
1013. It's 17 people.Copy !req
1014. I don't know.Copy !req
1015. It may have been
unbelievably stupid.Copy !req
1016. It may have been
unthinkably stupid.Copy !req
1017. I don't know.Copy !req
1018. I'm sorry, I really am.Copy !req
1019. I've got to go
in the other room and, uh...Copy !req
1020. Yeah. I'll see you tomorrow.
Thanks.Copy !req
1021. Thank you,
Mr. President.Copy !req
1022. ED:
I think that's
a good one.Copy !req
1023. Toby!Copy !req
1024. What have you got?Copy !req
1025. ED:
Um, okay, so the
President was asked
to pick tonight's menu.Copy !req
1026. And he says,
uh, just serveCopy !req
1027. anything you want
except lame duck.Copy !req
1028. Toby, listen,
listen to this.Copy !req
1029. Okay.Copy !req
1030. ED:
So the President
says, "I know
times are tough.Copy !req
1031. The NASDAQ just
filed for not-for-
profit status."Copy !req
1032. What about the one
about the Pentagon?Copy !req
1033. Okay, you have
to try and imagineCopy !req
1034. that the President
is saying it.Copy !req
1035. Okay.Copy !req
1036. Tell me if you think
this is funny...Copy !req