The West Wing 1x10

1. - What are you holding? - Josh said you like goldfish.

2. The crackers, Danny. The cheese things you eat at a party.

3. Got a thing tonight?

4. He calls, tells me what to wear. The rest is a surprise.

5. Your night job stinks.

6. - There's gonna be trouble. - Lillienfield?

7. Were you into something not acceptable?

8. - Pills. - Were you in treatment?

9. Records kept by these facilities are confidential.

10. He's got them.

11. The president will be by the tree with the carolers off to the side.

12. - With Santa hats? - No, Dickensian costumes.

13. - Maybe both. Will they clash? - They might.

14. - Why am I here? - To weigh in on this.

15. - I could care less. - Toby!

16. - Who's playing Santa? - Al Roker.

17. - Why? - He went on a diet.

18. - How do you know? - I read.

19. We'll pad him. We have Jose Feliciano, Sammy Sosa—

20. Did you know that "Feliz Navidad" outsold "White Christmas"?

21. He speaks on the season of hope and the new millennium.

22. The new millennium? Fine.

23. - Don't start. - I said, fine.

24. - Are we done? - Yeah.

25. - It's not the new millennium. - It is.

26. 2000 is the last year of the millennium, not the first of the next.

27. To quote Steven Gould—

28. - He needs a calendar. - He says this is unresolvable.

29. It's tough to resolve. You'd need a calendar.

30. Toby, phone call.

31. - I'll call back. - It's the D.C. police.

32. - What do they want? - They want you.

33. Which is better, watching your car roll over from 99,999 to 100,000 . . .

34. . . . or watching it go from 100 to 101?

35. - The millennium's a year away? - Yeah, but we've made plans.

36. - Would you tell them I'm on my way? - Flamingo is on her way.

37. What did you—? What did he call me?

38. - Excuse me. I'm Toby Ziegler. - Where you been?

39. The coroner's office told me to come here.

40. Do you know this man?

41. He had a driver's license on him. It expired in 1973. Hufnagle, Walter.

42. - Why'd you call me? - He also had your business card.

43. Did he?

44. - Toby Ziegler? From the White House? - Yeah.

45. He had your business card.

46. That's my coat. I gave it to the Goodwill—

47. The card was in it. Well, that explains that.

48. Well, thanks for your time.

49. - This isn't a crime scene, is it? - No, sir.

50. I was called an hour ago. Why's the body still here?

51. An ambulance will come by. It's not a high priority.

52. - Then you're gonna call the V.A.? - V.A.?

53. The tattoo on his forearm, it's Marine battalion, 2nd of the 7th.

54. This guy was in Korea.

55. Thanks.

56. Merry Christmas.

57. Merry Christmas.

58. - Good morning, Josh. - Good morning.

59. Merry Christmas to you and your Protestant family.

60. I've not yet bought you a present.

61. I know you're agonizing over how to show your appreciation for me.

62. That, and how I scrape together the $10.

63. - I've prepared a list. - Of gifts?

64. "Ski pants, ski boots, ski hat, ski gloves. " You already have skis?

65. - Page two. - Right.

66. Just pick something. Feel free to pick two things.

67. - I should feel that freedom? - I want to learn to ski.

68. - Why? - I like the equipment. Where you going?

69. - I need to speak to Leo. - Why?

70. - He wants to talk about your present. - Really?

71. - You'll think about the skis? - I'll give it a lot of thought.

72. - Hello? - Come on back.

73. - Quite an operation. - We're spreading holiday cheer.

74. Who is this? Do I care if he has a nice Christmas?

75. Sign the damn thing.

76. - Leave us for a minute. - We're not done.

77. Two minutes!

78. Sorry.

79. I'm tired of waiting for the other shoe to drop.

80. Lillienfield's waiting till after Christmas.

81. I don't want to tell you too much, but I want to try a preemptive strike.

82. You gotta tell me more than that.

83. - Sam knows a girl. - I've heard rumors.

84. I want to talk to her. Something to keep in our pocket—

85. I don't want it in anyone's pocket. Especially the president's.

86. Lillienfield's coming, it's no joke.

87. You don't have to tell me, it's my life.

88. All I'm saying is, we don't do these things.

89. - All right. - All right?

90. - You hear about the kid in Minnesota? - No.

91. A gay high-school senior. He got beaten up.

92. They stripped him, tied him to a tree and threw rocks and bottles at him.

93. You know how old the assailants were?

94. Thirteen.

95. - Is the kid dead? - He's in critical condition.

96. We're gonna have to revisit hate crimes legislation after the break.

97. We need to gauge reaction before we wade in.

98. C.J.'s gonna send up a test balloon at her briefing.

99. All right.

100. Margaret!

101. - Yes, sir? - Let's get this over with.

102. See you later.

103. The president is scheduled to leave for New Hampshire at 10 a.m. ...

104. . . .so he'll leave around noon.

105. He'll attend Christmas services with his family in the morning.

106. Are you aware a student was attacked—?

107. His name is Lowell Lydell, he's 17 years old . . .

108. . . . he's in critical condition with a cracked skull, internal bleeding . . .

109. . . . and broken bones and lacerations. We'll keep you updated.

110. Will this revisit the hate crime debate?

111. Yes, but the best time to do that would have been . . .

112. . . . before Lowell Lydell was beaten, not after.

113. Walter Hufnagle.

114. I don't know.

115. I don't know!

116. I've been holding on for the better part—

117. Sure. Yeah.

118. - Are you busy? - I'm holding.

119. What's going on?

120. A homeless vet died last night. I don't know if anyone's been contacted.

121. - I don't know what kind of burial— - How do you know him?

122. I don't. Don't worry about it. What do you need?

123. - This might seem trivial right now. - What?

124. The Santa hats do clash with the Dickensian costumes.

125. - It might seem trivial? - Keeping you in the loop.

126. - Yes, I'm here. Go away. - Yeah, I know.

127. Josh, I need to talk to you.

128. I'm giving your list the consideration—

129. Seriously. What's going on with Leo?

130. Donna—

131. I just heard something from Margaret.

132. - You shouldn't be— - Yeah, but we did.

133. Is it true?

134. Yeah.

135. - Well? - Well, what?

136. - What are you gonna do? - Right now, nothing.

137. We're gonna wait and see. There's not much else I can do.

138. - We'll wait and see? - Yes.

139. Could you stop looking at me like I just killed your hamster?

140. If one of us was in trouble, he would be the first person—

141. I know!

142. I know.

143. It was my regular face. I wasn't trying to guilt you.

144. I know.

145. I have to work.

146. Okay, kids, remember the drill.

147. You'll say your name, your grade and you'll ask the president . . .

148. . . . the question you and your teacher prepared on your index card.

149. Okay, how about a big "Good morning, Mr. President" when he comes in?

150. Good morning, Mr. President!

151. That sounded weak to me. Let's try it again.

152. Good morning, Mr. President!

153. That's better. Now, who are all these people making a ruckus?

154. - What's your name? - Jeffrey.

155. When are you gonna get taller? What are you, 16?

156. - I'm 7. - Then you're fine.

157. Let's go! Come on, I'm a busy man.

158. I am, after all, the president of Bulgaria.

159. - No! - Wait, that's not right.

160. I'm the president of Luxembourg.

161. - No! - I'm the president of something.

162. America!

163. Yes, thank you. I am the president of the U.S.A.

164. - Now, who has a question? - Me!

165. Yes, ma'am?

166. My name is Jessica Hodges, and I'm in the third grade.

167. What's your favorite part about being president?

168. My favorite part about being president? I'm doing it right now.

169. - Who's next? - Me!

170. Wait, hang on a second.

171. Apparently there are kids in the other room I might like better.

172. No!

173. Sorry to interrupt, but you asked to be notified.

174. Lowell Lydell died about 15 minutes ago.

175. Send flowers, and I'll call his parents.

176. All right, on with the questions.

177. Wait. When you address me, bear in mind that I'm the king of England!

178. No!

179. - What was it again? - America!

180. Yes.

181. - I saw your briefing. - What'd I do?

182. You hit the gas with hate crimes legislation.

183. - First, I didn't. Second, why not? - We're not sure where we stand.

184. I know where I stand. They threw rocks at his head.

185. I understand. I'm just saying—

186. I'll keep my foot off the gas. What's your code name?

187. They just changed it. It's Princeton.

188. - Mine's Flamingo. - It's nice.

189. No, it's not nice.

190. - It's a nice-looking bird. - It's ridiculous-looking.

191. - You're not. - I know I'm not.

192. - Any way I can get out of this? - I'm gonna talk to someone.

193. Sam, how you doing?

194. I'll be in Bermuda soon, that's how I'm doing.

195. - Where's Toby? - Out.

196. Sam, you got a second?

197. Yeah. 83 degrees in Bermuda—

198. Just me, some suntan oil, and 655 pages of briefing memos.

199. I need to ask you something about your friend.

200. - What happened? - Nothing.

201. Listen, you would describe her as— What's her name again?

202. - Laurie. - She's expensive?

203. - I have no way of— - I understand.

204. Yes. Very expensive.

205. - She's elite? - Yes. Why?

206. I need to know if she would divulge the names . . .

207. . . . of any Republican members of Congress that she—

208. There's no way, Josh!

209. - A thing's gonna happen. - What?

210. - Lillienfield knows Leo was a drunk. - Everyone knows that.

211. But they don't know there were pills. There was Valium. He was in rehab.

212. - When? - Six years ago.

213. He was secretary of labor six years ago.

214. He was high when he was running the Labor Department.

215. And Lillienfield knows?

216. I'm fairly sure that's why he started this. He's gone hunting.

217. Sam, we owe Leo everything. I mean, everything.

218. I'll call her, and we'll go see her together.

219. Thanks.

220. - Charlie? - Yes, ma'am?

221. Remind the president he's allergic to eggnog.

222. - Sure. - Thank you.

223. This place looks great. I've never seen a Christmas like this.

224. The trees and the lights and everybody singing. The presents.

225. I brought it up because you seem down.

226. I tend to get a little down during the holidays.

227. - You don't like Christmas? - I miss my boys.

228. I never knew you had kids.

229. Twins. Andrew and Simon. I tried not to—

230. I dressed them differently, but they did everything together.

231. They went to medical school together, and their lottery number came up.

232. - For the draft? - Yeah.

233. Couldn't they get a deferment to finish school?

234. They didn't want one.

235. I begged them, but they wanted to go where people needed doctors.

236. We begged them, but you can't tell kids anything.

237. They joined up as medics, and four months later . . .

238. . . . they were pinned down during a fight and were killed by enemy fire.

239. That was Christmas Eve, 1970.

240. They were so young, Charlie. They were your age.

241. It's hard when that happens so far away . . .

242. . . . because with the noises and the shooting, they had to be so scared.

243. It's hard not to think that, right then, they needed their mother.

244. Anyway, I miss my boys.

245. You want to sign the book?

246. - Excuse me? - Sign in the book?

247. Sure.

248. Are you looking for anything in particular?

249. No. I'm not a visitor. I was . . . .

250. I'm not the police, I was . . . .

251. A homeless man died this morning near the monument.

252. When the weather gets down . . . .

253. I thought that maybe he slept there a lot, maybe you knew him.

254. He was one of them. Was he a friend of yours?

255. - No. - I didn't think so.

256. I'm just trying to contact someone that might . . .

257. . . .you know, be interested that he died.

258. They hang around Capitol and P, I'd try there.

259. Thanks. You a veteran?

260. Yeah.

261. Toby Ziegler.

262. John Noonan.

263. - Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas.

264. - A couple of guys. - No. Leave me alone.

265. - Josh, what are you doing right now? - Preparing for the economic summit.

266. Blow it off. Seriously. Come shopping with us.

267. - Shopping? - He won't take any press.

268. - How are you going shopping? - I sneak out every now and then.

269. A few agents, an unmarked Suburban, they clear the store, I'm in, I'm out.

270. I never knew this.

271. You know there's a tunnel out of here? I haven't found it.

272. - Where are you going? - To Rare Books. Know what they sell?

273. - Fishing tackle? - Funny boy.

274. The president is shopping, and he won't let me send press along.

275. - Tell her to leave me alone. - A couple of guys?

276. - We don't have to make hay out of it. - It's good hay!

277. - Wanna come? - With you to a bookshop?

278. Drop me off the top of the Washington Monument instead.

279. It's Christmas. No reason we can't do both. Let's go shopping!

280. Hey, C.J. I saw the Suburban. President's slipping away?

281. - He realized he forgot your gift. - How sweet.

282. I made a list of reasons you should go out with me.

283. Give me time to put together a list of why I shouldn't.

284. - Then we'll compare them. - Good.

285. My Secret Service code name is Flamingo.

286. - Nice bird. - Go away.

287. Sam, what do you and Josh have going on tonight?

288. Nothing.

289. I just meant did you want to come over for dinner?

290. Oh. Yeah.

291. - What did you think I meant? - I'm going to Bermuda tonight.

292. - What did you think? - That's what I thought.

293. Then why did you say nothing if you're leaving?

294. I really don't know. But thank you for the invitation.

295. What do you and Josh have going on tonight?

296. Nothing.

297. The Fables of Phaedrus, 1886.

298. First edition, red leather, gilt leathering, engraved frontis.

299. Phaedrus, a slave who was later given his freedom . . .

300. . . . wrote his animal fables in iambic verse.

301. Nothing says Christmas like animal fables in verse.

302. That's what I say.

303. - Photographers would have killed him? - Let it go.

304. Here's a book which, if I was stuck on an island, I still wouldn't read it.

305. The Adventures of James Adams, Mountaineer and Hunter of California.

306. I would eat this book before I read it.

307. - Sure you won't change your mind? - No, I appreciate it—

308. - You gonna be by yourself? - I've got lots of work.

309. You're gonna work on Christmas? I feel better.

310. Come stay at the house.

311. So you can read aloud from Phaedrus?

312. Now that you suggest it . . . .

313. - I'll be fine. - Suit yourself.

314. Mr. President, when you get back . . .

315. . . . we'll have to talk seriously about my situation.

316. I'm not worried about it. It'll be fine. These things can go away.

317. No, they can't, and they usually don't.

318. I'll need an exit strategy that won't cause turmoil during the confirmation.

319. I don't want to talk about an exit strategy.

320. It's gonna be fine.

321. Mr. President, it's time.

322. Zoe starts Georgetown in two weeks. I was thinking about this for her.

323. The Nature of Things, translated from the Latin. What do you think?

324. - It's better than a stereo. - Because it's got a Moroccan spine.

325. - You head for the car and I'll pay. - Thank you all. Merry Christmas!

326. - You heard what I said before, right? - What?

327. - In my office this morning? - Yeah.

328. - Life of Epicurus, two volumes. - Let's go.

329. Excuse me.

330. Excuse me.

331. I was wondering if by any chance you know a man named Walter Hufnagle.

332. - Walter? - Yes.

333. You looking for Walter?

334. - I wasn't looking for him, I— - That's his brother down there.

335. - Thank you. - What's the problem?

336. There's no problem. Down on the end?

337. Yeah. Listen . . . .

338. He's a little slow.

339. He's all right, just a little slow.

340. Thanks.

341. Excuse me.

342. Mr. Hufnagle?

343. I'm George.

344. - Are you Walter Hufnagle's brother? - Yeah.

345. I'm afraid I have some very bad news.

346. Walter died last night.

347. Oh, jeez.

348. It was a very cold night.

349. Yeah, because of the northeasterly wind off the Chesapeake.

350. Everything all right?

351. - Walter died. - Who are you?

352. I'm Toby Ziegler.

353. Walter was wearing my coat, and it had my business card.

354. - You want your coat back? - No.

355. The northeasterly wind off the Chesapeake.

356. - Did you know he fought in Korea? - I'm sure he didn't mean nothing.

357. - Sometimes people start things— - No.

358. He was in the Marines about 45 years ago.

359. Yeah, I think I remember.

360. He was given a medal.

361. It's called the Purple Heart. It's for getting wounded in battle.

362. - He was wounded? - Yeah.

363. I guess he wasn't too good at it, huh?

364. No, no. A lot of people were wounded or even killed.

365. Were you there?

366. No. No, I was . . . .

367. Anyway . . . .

368. I wasn't sure if anyone had contacted you.

369. I slept over there at the shelter last night . . .

370. . . . because of the northeasterly wind off the Chesapeake.

371. It was pretty cold.

372. And I guess there weren't enough beds for Walter.

373. I'm sorry.

374. Good night.

375. I'm sorry, this is none of my business—

376. Your brother is entitled to a proper funeral. He deserves an honor guard.

377. And you don't know me.

378. But I'm an influential person, I'm a very powerful person . . .

379. . . . and I would like to arrange it.

380. A funeral?

381. - Will you be here tomorrow? - Yeah.

382. So if I come pick you up, then I'll bring you back after—

383. - I'll make sure he's here. - Will you?

384. Thank you.

385. Let me just . . . . Here. Please, just take that.

386. No, that's all your money. You don't live around here. You need it.

387. - I'm fine. - Here. Take it.

388. - Really, I'm fine. - You don't live around here.

389. Thank you.

390. You're a reporter. I'm the press secretary.

391. It's an unavoidable conflict of interest.

392. It would hurt our reputations.

393. - Your editors would— - C.J., what are you doing?

394. - I'm reading my list. - You made a list?

395. - Didn't you? - Sure.

396. - You didn't make a list? - It's right here. It's a mental list.

397. - I made an actual list. - I can see.

398. - Why are you in here? - To give you a present.

399. You gave me a goldfish. What more could I want?

400. Goldfish food.

401. I'm gonna ignore your list. It's ridiculous.

402. Also because I've got a crush on you.

403. - Leo's here. - See you later.

404. - Hey, Danny. - Hey, Leo.

405. - That's a nice goldfish. - Isn't it?

406. - Happy holidays. - You too.

407. - I'm rebuffing him. - Whatever.

408. - Dial it down on hate crimes. - You told me to float a test balloon.

409. Float, not shove. I'm not sure where we stand.

410. They made him say Hail Marys as they beat him. It was entertainment.

411. This is a manifestation of racism or sexism or homophobia . . .

412. . . . that are only the start of a pathology troubling this country.

413. I know. I'm just not sure it's right to legislate against how people think.

414. A lot of people aren't sure. A lot of them work here. Dial it down.

415. Thank you.

416. - You have plans yet? - For Christmas?

417. - My plan is to do nothing. - You want me to cook you something?

418. - What, are you my mother? - I was just asking.

419. I'll see you later.

420. This is Josh Lyman.

421. Come in.

422. Like I said, I only have a few minutes.

423. - We'll get right to the point. - Please.

424. Here's what's going on. A guy we work with is in some trouble.

425. A congressman is about to expose something damaging about his past.

426. Doing what you do, we thought—

427. I could name an influential Republican who likes kinky sex . . .

428. . . .so you can scare Lillienfield?

429. - I never said it was Lillienfield. - Is it?

430. Yes.

431. This is for real? This isn't a joke of some kind?

432. It's for real.

433. Then get out and we'll pretend this never happened.

434. Haven't we met?

435. - Yes, we have. - Where?

436. White House. She came with Carl Everett.

437. Who raised $5 million for Bartlet. Think only Republicans pay for sex?

438. - This isn't about that. - You get this out of a book?

439. - It was my idea. - You're the brains?

440. Yeah. And I could care less about your indignation.

441. This is the kind of attack from which men in my business do not recover.

442. If our tactics aren't civilized, neither are our attackers!

443. I'm not taking civics lessons from a hooker!

444. We don't need your cooperation. The IRS works for me!

445. Just a name! You want money?

446. Fine, then you can leave the money on the nightstand!

447. - I don't think he meant— - Yes, he did!

448. No, I didn't.

449. In fact, I'm sorry.

450. I apologize, that was very rude.

451. We wouldn't have asked, but this person means a lot to us.

452. You're the good guys.

453. You should act like it.

454. I have to get dressed now.

455. We're not talking about burning crosses. People are dying.

456. And people get punished for that.

457. You want to punish them for what's in their mind?

458. - Yes. - Really?

459. - Who is this? - Elizabeth.

460. - Who's Elizabeth? - Your sister.

461. This isn't abstract theory. We can't say we're protecting civil rights . . .

462. . . . we have to do it. Plus, it's good politics.

463. - Now I'm listening. - We'll get into it?

464. - We'll get into it after the break. - Excuse me.

465. - You wanted to see us? - Oh, yes, very much.

466. - Should I leave? - As quickly as possible.

467. You went and did it?

468. - What? - Exactly what I asked you not to do?

469. You saw Sam's friend. I had you tailed.

470. - You had us tailed? - Why?

471. On the off-chance you'd be stupid! Whose idea was it?

472. It was mine.

473. Sam was a reluctant accomplice. You had us tailed?

474. - Get over it. - She didn't say anything.

475. - It's not what we do. - That may be true, but still—

476. - It's not what we do. - Yes, sir.

477. You should apologize to her.

478. - I did. - Do it again.

479. Like I'm not gonna have enough problems without the Keystone Kops?

480. - We meant well. - That means something?

481. No.

482. It does.

483. I'm glad.

484. - Go to work. - It's Christmas Eve.

485. The country isn't open on Christmas Eve?

486. Fair point.

487. Leo . . . .

488. I know.

489. It's gonna get bad before it gets better.

490. I know.

491. Margaret!

492. - Let's get this over with. - I'm here Christmas.

493. There's been no change in departure, so we're still looking at noon.

494. This is a half-day for us, so it is for you too.

495. There is no more news, have a merry Christmas.

496. Hey, fish boy.

497. Answer this. There's a lot riding on it.

498. - What's riding on it? - A date with me.

499. ls imposing penalties for hate crimes . . .

500. . . .a powerful statement against intolerance?

501. - No. A crime's a crime. - Wrong answer.

502. Punishing beliefs is the end. And you agree with me.

503. I don't. Take me out tonight and convince me.

504. - Excuse me? - You heard me.

505. - I was distracted. - I won't say it again.

506. Then I'm gonna assume you asked me out.

507. I didn't ask you out. You asked me out 49 times and I'm saying yes to one.

508. You understand we're having dinner, not a fling?

509. - I understand. - It's business. Bring your notebook.

510. - My Secret Service name is Flamingo. - Nice.

511. I have to feed my fish.

512. - Hey, Danny. - Hey, Josh.

513. - How's it going? - Hard to say.

514. Heinrich Breckengruber on the Art and Artistry of Skiing.

515. It's got a molted calf cover and original drab boards.

516. - I don't know what to say. - I wrote a note inside.

517. Don't get emotional. Donna, don't get—

518. Let's try and maintain some sort of—

519. You see?

520. You spend most of your time being, you know, you . . .

521. . . . and then you write something like this to me.

522. Thank you.

523. I meant it.

524. Skis would have killed you?

525. - Yeah. - Okay.

526. Hello! Welcome to the White House!

527. Good morning! Welcome to the White House!

528. - Good morning. - Morning, Mrs. Landingham.

529. - The president wants you. - I know.

530. Did you use his name to arrange a funeral for a homeless veteran?

531. - Yes. - You shouldn't have done that.

532. - I know. - You absolutely shouldn't have.

533. I know.

534. The president's in the Mural Room.

535. Thank you.

536. - How would it be if I just mentioned—? - No.

537. - Shopping on your own at a bookstore? - Deal with it.

538. I'll be right back.

539. - Merry Christmas, Mr. President. - Merry Christmas, Nancy.

540. - How you doing? - I'm fine.

541. Seems I've arranged an honor guard for somebody.

542. I'm sorry.

543. Tell me, anything else I've arranged for?

544. We're still in NATO, right? What's going on?

545. A homeless veteran died last night.

546. He was wearing a coat I gave to the Goodwill. It had my card in it.

547. It took an hour and 20 minutes for the ambulance.

548. A lance corporal, Marine Corps. I got better treatment at Panmunjom.

549. If we pull strings like this, every homeless veteran will show up.

550. I can only hope, sir.

551. When is it?

552. I'm going to pick up his brother and go there now.

553. Sir, your absence in the other room is conspicuous.

554. Toby.

555. I'd like to come along.