The Weird Al Show 1x9

1. Oh, this is the story about a guy named Al,

2. and he lived in a sewer with his hamster pal.

3. But the sanitation workers really didn't approve,

4. so he packed up his accordion and had

5. to move to a city in Ohio where he lived in a tree,

6. and he worked in a nasal decongestant factory.

7. And he played on the company bowling team,

8. and every single night he had a strange, recurring dream

9. where he was wearing lederhosen in a vat of sour cream.

10. But that's really not important to the story.

11. The very next year he met a dental hygienist with a spatula

12. tattooed on her arm, but he didn't keep in touch,

13. and he lost her number.

14. Then he got himself a job on a tater tot farm.

15. And he spent his life savings on a split-level cage

16. 20 miles below the surface of the Earth— of the Earth!

17. And he really makes a mighty fine jelly bean and pickle

18. sandwich, for what it's worth.

19. Then one day, Al was in the forest,

20. trying to get a tan, when he heard the tortured

21. screaming of a funny little man.

22. He was caught in a bear trap, and Al set him free,

23. and the guy that he rescued was grateful as could be.

24. And it turns out he's a big shot producer on TV,

25. so he gives Al a contract, and what do you know?

26. Now he's got his very own "Weird Al Show!"

27. Yeah, yeah!

28. Yeah, yeah!

29. Yeah, yeah!

30. Today's lesson is, take responsibility

31. for your actions, and always be considerate of others.

32. - Oh, hey, how you doing?

33. I thought I was going to get all my chores done before the show

34. started, but these things kind of creep up on you.

35. Being a cave owner is a lot of work.

36. It's taken me all morning just to wash the stalactites.

37. Maybe I should get a bigger brush.

38. But that's just the tip of the iceberg.

39. I've got to give Harvey his weekly sponge bath

40. and pedicure, fix my leaky atomic reactor,

41. recycle my used tissues— eugh— vacuum all the spicy Cheez

42. Doodles off the sofa, alphabetize my soap collection,

43. visualize world peace, wax the kitchen floor,

44. scrape the mold off the cheese log,

45. and throw out any milk that's not from this year.

46. Man, this is too much responsibility.

47. Uh oh, company!

48. - Hiya, cuz. - Hey, Corky.

49. What brings you around here?

50. - Well, I was wondering if I could

51. borrow a box of smelly socks.

52. - Uh, what do you need smelly socks for?

53. - Well actually, it's more the box I need.

54. - OK.

55. - I don't have time to explain.

56. It is for an art project I'm working on.

57. See, the big art fair's today, and I'm

58. going to enter and win the grand prize—

59. an autographed picture of Fabio.

60. - Well, it's nice to have goals in life.

61. - So about that box?

62. - Oh, yeah, sure. Sorry.

63. There you go.

64. - Thanks.

65. - Now, since I did a little favor for you—

66. - Oh, no. What is it?

67. - Well, I am just swamped today.

68. Could you maybe help me out with a few chores around here?

69. - (SIGHING) Oh, I don't know, Al.

70. I've got to finish my project, I've

71. got to get to the art fair—

72. - Oh, please!

73. Please, please, please, please?

74. - OK.

75. Just because you're so pathetic.

76. - Oh, thanks Corky, you're the best.

77. You can start on these. I'll give you the rest later.

78. - Wash the 100-year-old corn cob?

79. - Well, now that Corky's on cave maintenance,

80. I can get back to the show.

81. Speaking of which, I can tell by the old clock on the wall

82. that once again it's time for—

83. Al's mailbag, that's right.

84. Well, let's see what's in the old mailbag this week.

85. Corky, you're going to have to fix the mail chute.

86. I think it's stuck.

87. Nevermind, Corky. Let's see.

88. We've got a letter here from Steve

89. Chai in Bellingham, Washington.

90. And Steve writes— oh, it's an answers to our trivia question.

91. If you remember, we asked our viewers

92. to name all 42 presidents of the United States.

93. Let's see if he did it.

94. Uh huh.

95. Yeah.

96. All right, Steve.

97. You named them all.

98. You named them all "Bob," but close enough.

99. You win this lovely used toothbrush.

100. Good going.

101. OK, what else we got here?

102. Bunch of junk mail.

103. What do I need with a travel brochure?

104. "Spend a glorious vacation in beautiful Hawaii sipping

105. tall, fruity drinks under a shady palm tree

106. with Daisy Fuentes rubbing your sore, tired shoulders."

107. Huh.

108. That doesn't sound too shabby.

109. Too bad I've got all this responsibility.

110. I've got this cave, got this show.

111. Hawaii— ugh, can't even about it.

112. But you know?

113. I really do deserve a break.

114. Probably shouldn't be doing this, but I just have to.

115. Corky can fill in for me, she's a real trooper.

116. OK, it's off to see the world.

117. Ha!

118. Bye, Harvey.

119. I'll probably be gone for several days,

120. so I'm going to give you all your food right now.

121. Ahh.

122. Now, remember to pace yourself.

123. Don't eat it all at once.

124. Harvey!

125. You hog.

126. Well, I'm out of here.

127. While I'm gone, watch this Fatman cartoon.

128. The Adventures of Fatman!

129. - All right, pops.

130. Out of the way.

131. We're on a bagel run. - Yeah!

132. - Ha ha!

133. - Party!

134. - Fatman here.

135. What?

136. No.

137. You're kidding.

138. I'm on my way. - Don't tell.

139. Evil alien pirates who look like giant fish

140. and come from a planet where they use bagels for money

141. are robbing every deli in the area?

142. - Yep.

143. - That is just so typical.

144. - We need to formulate a plan.

145. - Of course!

146. It's so obvious.

147. I'll just take down all the deli store signs,

148. then the aliens won't know where to go.

149. - Uh, do you really think—

150. - Sleep easy, sir.

151. You'll never be vandalized again.

152. - Harry, run these up to our ATM, will you?

153. - OK, now that we've saved some for a rainy day,

154. let's go shopping!

155. - Excuse me, could I borrow this for just a tiny second?

156. Saw this in a movie.

157. There.

158. I just zeroed in on a signal from the fishes' home planet,

159. and used it to empty out their bank accounts.

160. All those fish are now flat broke.

161. - Decided I should get the bakery signs too.

162. - Good thinking.

163. - Will this be cash or charge?

164. - Hmm, let me check this out.

165. Hey, running kind of low.

166. Better use my card.

167. - What?

168. I'm broke?

169. No, I can't hold on anymore.

170. I need to talk to somewhere about my bank account.

171. And I'm calling really long distance,

172. and you— aww man, she put me on hold again.

173. - Fatman, the aliens are standing right over there.

174. You've got a lot of fish, a lot of bagels.

175. That's all I'm going to say.

176. - Where are the flamethrowers?

177. - Aisle four.

178. - OK now, let's see.

179. One, aim away from face.

180. Two, push button.

181. Take that, evil seafood!

182. Hey everybody, we got a special today— bagels, and smoked lox.

183. And it's kosher!

184. - Come to mama!

185. Al?

186. Hey Al, where'd you go?

187. I can't find the corn squeegee anywhere.

188. - Um, Al?

189. Al, this isn't funny.

190. What's this?

191. Al left Corky in charge of the show?

192. Looks like he isn't being very responsible of considerate.

193. Don't go away, we'll be right back.

194. Can you believe it? "The Weird Al Show" is back!

195. - Hi.

196. Um, I don't know where is Al is right now.

197. But I'm sure he's going to turn up any second.

198. I mean, this is his show, after all.

199. I mean, he wouldn't—

200. - Phone! Hello?

201. - Aloha, Corky.

202. Greetings from beautiful Hawaii.

203. - What are you doing there?

204. This is so irresponsible of you.

205. You're in the middle of a show.

206. - Oh, I do a show every week.

207. I'm entitled to a little time off.

208. Hey, you know Daisy Fuentes, don't you?

209. - Hi, Corky.

210. - Hi.

211. Al, you can't do this to me.

212. Look, I agreed to help you out so that you could do your show,

213. not so you could play hooky.

214. This is so irresponsible of you.

215. Now, I don't know how to host a TV show.

216. Y-you've got to get back here right now!

217. - Corky, you would not believe how many

218. Hawaiian shirts they have here.

219. It's amazing. - Are you listening to me?

220. I'm not kidding around.

221. - Relax.

222. You'll be great.

223. Just cover for me this one time, all right?

224. - Oh, look!

225. It's Don Ho.

226. - Wow!

227. Uh, gotta go.

228. I'll send you a postcard.

229. Bye!

230. - Al! Al, wait!

231. Uh— uh.

232. Well, it's me again.

233. So, is everybody having fun?

234. Don't worry.

235. All will be back any day now.

236. Oh, doorbell's ringing.

237. Guess that means I should answer it.

238. Oh, hi Bobby.

239. - You're not Al.

240. - Yes, yes I know.

241. Al's not here right now.

242. Can I help you with anything?

243. - Well, I'm doing a report for school.

244. Can you tell me how a nuclear reactor works?

245. - Well— no.

246. - Oh.

247. - Anything else?

248. - I really need to know how a nuclear reactor works.

249. - OK.

250. OK, nuclear reactor. Think, Corky, think.

251. What would Al do?

252. - He'd show me a movie.

253. - Right, right, of course!

254. All right.

255. Well, Bobby, I hope this short film will answer your question.

256. On the way to school.

257. It isn't far, and oh, it's fun.

258. (SINGING) Walk to school, walk to school,

259. this is the way we walk to school.

260. Walk to school, walk to school, this

261. is the way we walk to school.

262. Skip to school, skip to school, this

263. is the way we skip to schools.

264. Skip to school, skip to school, this is the way we—

265. Say, there's something to see up here, the new garage.

266. - Well.

267. Did that help?

268. - Are you kidding?

269. That film had nothing to do with nuclear reactors.

270. Now I won't be able to do my report for school.

271. I'll fail out of class, my self esteem

272. will drop through the floor, I'll

273. start hanging out with the wrong crowd.

274. They'll trick me into joining some band

275. of counter-revolutionaries from some small, third world

276. country like Aruba.

277. Then I'll be captured and held hostage by rebel forces.

278. I'll need to escape from jail and live

279. the live of a hunted boy.

280. A hunted boy!

281. And it's all your fault!

282. - No, Bobby, it's not my fault!

283. Al was supposed to—

284. - Phone!

285. Hello?

286. - Bonjour, Corky.

287. Just checking in.

288. - Al, where are you?

289. - Gee, I thought this Eiffel Tower thing back here

290. would've been a dead giveaway.

291. - You're in France.

292. - (FRENCH ACCENT) Oui oui, Corky.

293. We eat ze snails, and we love ze Jerry Lewis,

294. and we think all other Americans are filthy pig dogs.

295. Hon-hon-hon! - OK, Al.

296. Listen to me very carefully.

297. While you're out globe trotting, your show is falling apart.

298. - (FRENCH ACCENT) Oh, I am sure you're exaggerating.

299. - And besides all that, you're being really inconsiderate.

300. I had plans today.

301. Now I can't finish my art project,

302. I can't go to the fair, and I'll never

303. win that autographed picture of Fabio.

304. - Well, I mean, there's always next year, right?

305. - And Bobby was over here.

306. He said that because of you, he's

307. going to join a band of counter-revolutionaries

308. in Aruba.

309. - I think we've got a bad connection.

310. - Look Al, this show is your responsibility.

311. I never wanted to do it.

312. I'm a lousy host.

313. And I'm all out of ideas.

314. - Hey, no problem.

315. Just, uh, just do what I do.

316. Turn on the TV, and see what they're

317. doing on the other channels.

318. - But— - Look, I got to go.

319. Corky, I really appreciate this.

320. I'll call you later.

321. - OK, well, uh.

322. I guess we'll just— we'll take a look at what's

323. on the other channels right now.

324. - Get those neck muscles really loose.

325. One and two, and three and four.

326. And two and two, and—

327. - A new study says, if given the choice,

328. most Americans would prefer to eat as much chocolate

329. as they can without getting fat over the ability to fly.

330. Fools.

331. - Dad!

332. Dad, I'm stuck again!

333. - OK, son. You stay there.

334. I'll be right back.

335. Got lard?

336. - Well.

337. That wasn't very inspirational.

338. - Phone!

339. Al, where are you?

340. - Yes, young lady, that's a very good question.

341. Where is Yankovic?

342. - Oh— I mean, uh hello, J.B. What a nice surprise.

343. - Speaking of surprises, you can imagine mine

344. when I turned on "The Weird Al Show," and lo and behold,

345. there's no Weird Al.

346. - Uh, yes.

347. Well, I can explain—

348. - People like to get what they expect.

349. And when I don't get what I expect, I become unhappy.

350. And when I'm unhappy, I'm not happy!

351. - Of course not.

352. But if you—

353. - Now, I'm not an unreasonable man.

354. You tell Yankovic he can keep his TV show, as long as he's

355. back on the air, oh, say— five minutes?

356. Otherwise, he's outski.

357. You got that?

358. - Yes, sir.

359. - And would it kill him to cut his hair once in a while?

360. Just a thought.

361. Ciao.

362. - Oh, this is bad.

363. This is really, really bad.

364. Oh, thank goodness.

365. He's finally back!

366. Oh, hello.

367. Who are you?

368. - I'm Varna, the Squirmese cook.

369. I was watching the show.

370. It looked like you could use some help.

371. - Oh, boy, could I ever.

372. - Well, if you would allow me, I'll

373. be very happy to help with the Harvey

374. the Wonder Hamster stunt.

375. - Really?

376. You've worked with hamsters before?

377. - Oh yes.

378. They're my specialty.

379. - OK, well, yeah.

380. I guess it's fine. - Wonderful.

381. Just let me get set up.

382. You go vacuum up your spicy Cheez Doodles,

383. and I'll take it from here.

384. - Well, OK.

385. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Varna, the Squirmese cook.

386. - Thank you, Corky.

387. Heh. Corky.

388. Hello, everybody.

389. I'm so very enthusiastic about this opportunity

390. to help with today's Harvey the Wonder Hamster stunt.

391. You see, in my native country, hamsters

392. are a very important part of our culture.

393. Because hamsters are so intelligence,

394. hamsters are so supple, and so very, very delicious.

395. Any last words?

396. What's that?

397. Go to a commercial?

398. OK.

399. We'll be right back.

400. Oh, no!

401. If only Al were responsible and doing his job,

402. maybe Harvey wouldn't be in such hot water.

403. If you thought "Twister" was terrifying—

404. - Did you feel something?

405. If you thought "Dante's Peak" was daunting—

406. - Mommy, I'm cold.

407. If you thought "Volcano"

408. was, uh, something with a V. If you thought there were no more

409. natural disasters left to make a movie about—

410. You thought wrong.

411. "60% Chance of Rain," the most horrifying

412. new movie of the season.

413. When the weather got out of hand—

414. - We can't go starting a panic, not during tourist season.

415. Only one man had the courage.

416. - Mr. Mayor, I don't care what happens to your tourist season.

417. Somebody has to tell these people

418. that they might need a jacket.

419. To bring mother nature to her knees.

420. - Come on, people! Let's go!

421. Everybody in the rec room!

422. We don't know what we're in for.

423. Come on, inside!

424. Everybody!

425. When the barometric pressure increases,

426. so does the terror.

427. - So we don't even know if it's going to rain?

428. - No, son.

429. We don't

430. "60% Chance of Rain," coming

431. soon to a theatre near you.

432. Maybe.

433. - Hold your horses!

434. We'll be right back.

435. All right, "The Weird Al Show" is back!

436. - Not so fast, you delicious little hamster

437. with the strong legs.

438. You haven't done your stunt yet.

439. - Hello?

440. - Corky, you'll never guess where I'm calling from.

441. - Never mind that.

442. You better get back here right away.

443. - I can't leave yet, they're just serving the ice cream.

444. Mmm, butternut fudge mint ripple swirl, my favorite.

445. - You're driving me nuts.

446. Listen.

447. J.B. called.

448. He said if you don't come back on the show immediately,

449. you won't have a show to come back to.

450. - Ah, he's bluffing.

451. Hey, watch this.

452. Look, it's an ice cream float!

453. - What are you now, Carrot Top?

454. Look, if you want to lose your show, that's fine.

455. Just don't tell me I didn't warm you.

456. - So what's on the show right now?

457. - Oh, some guy named Varna, the Squirmese cook,

458. is helping out with the Harvey the Wonder Hamster stunt.

459. - Squirmese, huh?

460. I was in Squirma once.

461. Interesting culture.

462. The food there is really bizarre.

463. You know what they actually consider to be a rare delicacy?

464. Hamst— ha—

465. - Al?

466. Al, are you OK?

467. - Hello? Um— huh.

468. That was strange, got disconnected.

469. - Harvey the Wonder Hamster will now

470. attempt to break Houdini's record for holding his breath

471. under water, a feat made even more

472. daring and death-defying by the fact

473. that the water is boiling hot, and contains chopped celery,

474. diced carrots, and a pinch of salt.

475. Let's go, Harvey!

476. - No!

477. - I can't believe you were going to cook Harvey.

478. - I was just going to give him a steam bath.

479. - Al, you're here! I'm so glad to see you.

480. Uh, what are you doing?

481. - Varna here was going to cook Harvey!

482. - Varna, how could you?

483. - No, I was just trying to teach him

484. how to play water polo with this pearl onion!

485. - Out, out, out, out!

486. Out, out, out!

487. Out, out, out, out, out!

488. Looks like Al learned that being

489. irresponsible and inconsiderate can

490. lead to trouble, right Harvey?

491. Don't go away, or you'll regret for the rest of your life.

492. "The Weird Al Show" is back.

493. Did you miss me?

494. - OK, look.

495. I'm really sorry for bailing out on the show like that.

496. I don't know I was thinking.

497. Harvey, I'm so sorry.

498. I promise I'll never a blow off my responsibilities

499. like that again.

500. Can you ever forgive me?

501. Please?

502. Aww, thanks Harvey.

503. Oh, and Corky, what can I say?

504. I abused our cousinly bond and took

505. advantage of your kind and perky nature.

506. There's no excuse for what I did.

507. But as a way of saying I'm sorry,

508. I brought along somebody I thought you'd like to meet.

509. - Fabio!

510. - Hey, you want me to sign your left nostril?

511. - Yeah!

512. Oh, thanks Al!

513. You're the best cousin a girl ever had!

514. - That's just what I wanted to hear.

515. - (SINGING) Got a funny feeling you don't love me anymore.