The Weird Al Show 1x7

1. Oh, this is the story of a guy named Al,

2. and he lived in the sewer with his hamster pal.

3. But the sanitation workers really didn't approve,

4. so he packed up his accordion and had

5. to move to a city in Ohio where he lived in a tree.

6. And he worked in a nasal decongestant factory.

7. And he played on the company bowling team.

8. And every single night, he had a strange reoccurring dream

9. where he was wearing lederhosen in a vat of sour cream.

10. But that's really not important to the story.

11. Well, the very next year he met a dental hygienist

12. with a spatula tattooed on her arm.

13. But he didn't keep in touch, and he lost her number.

14. Then he got himself a job on a tater tot farm.

15. And he spent his life savings on a split-level cave

16. 20 miles below the surface of the Earth.

17. And he really makes a mighty fine jelly bean and pickle

18. sandwich for what it's worth.

19. Then one day, Al was in the forest trying to get a tan when

20. he heard the tortured screaming of a funny little man.

21. He was caught in a bear trap, and Al set him free.

22. And the guy that he rescued was grateful as could be.

23. And it turns out he's a big-shot producer on TV.

24. So, he gives Al a contract.

25. And whaddya know?

26. Now, he's got his very own "Weird Al Show."

27. Today's lesson is the best way to work out a problem

28. with a bully is through peaceful communication.

29. Besides, being a bully just isn't cool.

30. - Oh, hey.

31. How you doing?

32. You're probably wondering what I'm working on this week.

33. This invention is going to change life on this planet

34. and we know it.

35. It's an automatic toenail clipper.

36. Just think what this will mean to future generations.

37. I think I finally got all the bugs out,

38. so now I just need some kind of guinea pig to test it on.

39. Whelp, I don't have a guinea pig, but I do have a hamster.

40. Hey, Harvey.

41. Hey, buddy.

42. You want to help me test out my new invention?

43. Yeah, your toenails are little long.

44. This will be good for you.

45. OK, here we go.

46. All right, let's check out those toenails.

47. Oops.

48. Sorry Harvey.

49. I guess my invention these little fine tuning.

50. Oh, excuse me.

51. - Yankaberg.

52. Que pasa?

53. How's my favorite star?

54. —Ah, what can I do for you, JB?

55. - Good.

56. Right to the point.

57. I like that.

58. It's "Take An Extended Relative to Work" Day,

59. and I'm bring in my little nephew, Huey.

60. - Oh, that's real nice of you. - I thought so.

61. He should be showing up at your place any minute now.

62. —My place? - Yes.

63. And oh, by the way, I told him he

64. could be in charge of your show.

65. - What?

66. - That's right.

67. I should warn you he's used to getting his own way.

68. I would try very hard not to upset him if I were you,

69. because when he gets upset his mother gets upset,

70. and when his mother gets upset, my wife gets upset.

71. And when my wife gets upset, I get upset.

72. And when I get upset, you're fired!

73. You understand me, Yankovic.

74. - Uh, yes sir.

75. - Already then, well, have fun.

76. Ciao!

77. - Well, Harvey, looks like we're going to have some company.

78. JB's nephew is coming over.

79. I hate to say it, pal, but I don't

80. think the big hair thing works for you.

81. That's cold, man.

82. - Excuse me, do I know you?

83. - I'm Buford.

84. I'm the new bandleader.

85. We're your house band.

86. [MUSIC PLAYING - Hold it.

87. Hold it! Hold it!

88. I didn't order any house band.

89. - That's right.

90. I did.

91. He's here because I told them to be here.

92. - Hello there.

93. You must be, let me guess, JB's neato nephew.

94. Huey, right?

95. I sure have heard lot about you, mister.

96. - Hey, Buford. Guess what.

97. - What? - Chicken butt.

98. - That's cold, man.

99. That is cold!

100. - So, Huey, would you like a little tour of the cave?

101. Maybe, I don't know, watch a little TV?

102. - TV?

103. I hate TV.

104. And from now on, I want you to call me "sir."

105. - OK.

106. What else, sir?

107. How did you get that name?

108. Were you knighted or something?

109. - Knights are wieners.

110. Where'd you get that shirt, Hawaii or something?

111. - Well, uh, no.

112. But if you're interested in knowing more about Hawaii,

113. Hawaii is a chain of volcanic and coral

114. islands in the Central Pacific.

115. Settled by Polynesians in the Sixth Century AD,

116. it later became part of the US in the year—

117. - Boring.

118. From now on, whenever the band starts playing,

119. I want you to sing.

120. - Sing?

121. What do you mean, sing?

122. - Make up a song.

123. Tra-la-la-la-la.

124. Sing. - Why?

125. It doesn't exactly work that—

126. - Buh-buh-buh.

127. Talk much?

128. You're supposed to be nice to me, remember?

129. - Yeah.

130. Anyway, I can tell by the old clock on the wall

131. that once again it's time for Al's mailbag.

132. That's right.

133. Well, let's—

134. - Sing the Al's mailbag theme song.

135. - Al's mailbag doesn't have a theme song.

136. - Make one up and sing it now. - OK.

137. I just did in my head.

138. - If you don't sing the Al's mailbag them song,

139. I'm gonna have my uncle kick you off your show.

140. Buford, mailbag song.

141. Hit it!

142. - Letters.

143. I get letters.

144. So many letters.

145. A whole bunch of letters.

146. I'd even read mail from a cow.

147. It's time for Al's mailbag now.

148. - Hoof it!

149. - It's the Al's mailbag theme song.

150. - Hey you, that made Milli Vanilli look like Mozart.

151. If I had that on tape, I'd tape over it.

152. - Oh, man, that's cold.

153. - OK, well, let's see what our viewers have to say this week.

154. We've got a letter from Bill Burke in Wausau, Wisconsin,

155. and Bill says, "Dear Al.

156. I've got a special request.

157. Could I see Dick Van Patten in a tutu

158. doing a little pirate dance?

159. Hmm.

160. Well, sure, I guess we have time for that.

161. OK here you go.

162. Well, that was fun, wasn't it?

163. OK, here's a letter from—

164. - I was bored.

165. I want someone to draw a funny picture me right now.

166. - Gee, would look at the time.

167. I'm gonna have to take a quick break right now,

168. but don't go away or you'll regret it

169. for the rest of your natural life.

170. Will Al figure out how to communicate with Huey?

171. Will Huey figure out that being a bully isn't cool?

172. Will I ever stop this annoying shouting?

173. Don't go away.

174. We'll be right back.

175. It's time for more of "The Weird Al Show."

176. - That doesn't look like me.

177. I'm cuter and taller.

178. My head's too big.

179. - Hey, there's someone at the door.

180. - Remember what I said, Al.

181. Sing.

182. Buford, hit it.

183. There's someone at the door.

184. There's someone at the door.

185. There's someone at the door.

186. Please, don't make me sing anymore.

187. Can't you see that there's someone at the door.

188. - Buford!

189. We gotta open the door.

190. We gotta open the door.

191. We gotta open the door.

192. We gotta open the door.

193. Open the door.

194. I can't.

195. I can't.

196. I can't.

197. I just can't open that door. - You gotta.

198. - I can't. I can't.

199. I just can't open that door.

200. - You gotta. - I can't, can't.

201. Nope. Can't do it.

202. Should I open it?

203. - Yeah!

204. - Should I open the door?

205. - Yeah! - Is someone outside?

206. - Yeah.

207. - Well, maybe I should answer it then.

208. - Perhaps.

209. - But first, I just have to ask.

210. Who's at the door?

211. Who wants to come inside?

212. Said, who's at the door?

213. Don't stand out there and hide.

214. Is it Sam, or Joe, or Fran, or Bill, or Bob, or Clide

215. who's at the door?

216. - Why don't you just open it and find out?

217. - Oh, right.

218. - Why, look.

219. It's big-time TV start Taj Mowry.

220. - Hi, Al. I just thought that—

221. Taj Mowry, you wacky swinging cat.

222. Taj Mowry, Taj Mowry would you like fries with that?

223. Mr. Taj Mowry now welcome to "The Weird Al Show."

224. - Um, what's with the singing?

225. What's with the singing,

226. he really wants to know.

227. What's with the singing?

228. It irritates him so.

229. What's with the singing—

230. - Stop!

231. Look, maybe this is a bad idea.

232. All I wanted was to come on the show and maybe show a clip.

233. - Well, of course.

234. Hey, everybody, whaddya say?

235. Why don't we show a clip now?

236. Why don't we show a clip now, mon.

237. Why don't we show a clip now?

238. Let's show a clip right now.

239. Jurassic Park is frightening in the dark.

240. All the dinosaurs are running wild.

241. Someone let t-rex out of his pen.

242. I'm afraid those things will harm me,

243. cuz they sure don't act like Barney,

244. and they think that I'm their dinner not their friend.

245. - What was that?

246. - Jurassic Park, smart guy.

247. You're in "Jurassic Park," remember?

248. - No.

249. No, I wasn't.

250. And besides, that wasn't even a clip from the movie.

251. That was just your music video.

252. - I can't even believe you came on this stupid show.

253. Why did you come on this stupid show?

254. This stupid show.

255. - Everyone watching. Everyone watching.

256. - Would sure like to know.

257. Sure like to know.

258. - This was a big mistake. That's it.

259. I'm Out of here.

260. - OK, Taj, but first, will you do me a little flavor?

261. Pretty please?

262. - What?

263. - Will you try out my automatic toenail clipper?

264. - What do I have to do?

265. - Just take off your shoe and put your foot in that box.

266. - OK.

267. I can't believe I'm doing this.

268. Let me just take off my shoe.

269. Huh?

270. Look what you've done!

271. Look what you've done to my foot!

272. - I think my machine needs just a little more work.

273. - Forget your machine!

274. Look at me!

275. You made me into a freak!

276. I made you into a freak.

277. You're the freakiest thing I've seen all week.

278. I may be an accordion playing geek, but my friend,

279. you're a full-fledged freak.

280. And I'm not kidding.

281. I made you into a big, fat freak.

282. Oh, yeah!

283. Oh, hey guys.

284. Say, where did Tahj Mowry go?

285. He was just here.

286. - I think I just saw him limping away.

287. - Oh, you know how those sensitive artists are.

288. - Speaking of artists, what's going on over here?

289. - You're the worst!

290. I can draw better than this with my butt!

291. Get out!

292. - That's JB's nephew, Huey.

293. Looks like he's in charge of the show today.

294. - Holy cannoli.

295. - So, you want me to take care of him for ya?

296. - Nice thought, but better not.

297. Just try to ignore him.

298. In fact, when I was a kid, I always

299. cracked under the silent treatment.

300. I just won't say anything to him.

301. - Hey, who are these people?

302. What are your friends' names?

303. Fine, I'll name them.

304. You're dummy.

305. You're stupid.

306. And you're nuclear stupid.

307. - Actually, I'm Corky.

308. This is Val Brentwood, and The Hooded Avenger.

309. - You have to go to court to change your name, dummy.

310. Isn't that right, Al?

311. Why aren't you talking?

312. I order you to say something.

313. - Perhaps if you ask nicely—

314. —Who asked you, hood boy?

315. OK, if you want to smell my socks, don't say anything.

316. Al wants to smell my socks.

317. Al wants to smell my socks.

318. - That's cold, man.

319. That is cold.

320. - Say it once in a while, not a million times a second.

321. OK, now let's talk about fun stuff.

322. What everybody have for breakfast today?

323. I had waffles and maple syrup.

324. OK, enough about breakfast, let's all have a party for me.

325. Or you're fired.

326. - Well, he certainly has a healthy level

327. of self confidence.

328. - OK, let's play musical chairs.

329. Go!

330. - Al, don't ignore him.

331. Don't let him push you around.

332. Find a way, find a way to communicate with the lad.

333. - Get ready, the music could stop at any time.

334. - OK, maybe I could kill him with kindness.

335. - Stop!

336. I win!

337. - Gee, Huey, that was amazing.

338. What skill, want finesse, can teach

339. me how to be as talented as you?

340. Wait a minute!

341. Look, I got you a cake, because I think you're so great.

342. Hey, everybody, isn't Huey just the greatest?

343. Oh, did you know I started a Huey fan club?

344. We've got our own Huey website and everything.

345. Would you autograph this for me, oh master Huey?

346. - Do I look like a ski instructor?

347. - Huh?

348. - I said you would look like a ski instructor?

349. - No.

350. - Then spare me the snow job.

351. - Oh, hey there.

352. Just checking in to see how you two are getting along.

353. - Just fine, JB.

354. - Terrible!

355. I want the hell out of here right now,

356. and he can't ever come back.

357. Yeah right, whatever you say, Huey.

358. Well, I'm late for my liposuction appointment.

359. I got to run.

360. Bye.

361. - Did you hear that?

362. You're outta here.

363. Too bad, so sad. Buh-bye.

364. - You're right, Huey, I am outta here.

365. I've had enough of this bullying from you.

366. I quit!

367. Oh, sorry Huey.

368. I mean, I quit.

369. I quit. I quit.

370. Poor Al.

371. He tried to communicate peacefully,

372. but that Huey, he's such a bully.

373. We'll be right back.

374. Don't you move.

375. "The Weird Al " is back.

376. Did you miss me?

377. - Harvey, as soon as I put down some roots, I'll send for you.

378. Until then, take care, buddy.

379. - Al, really gonna miss you.

380. - Buford, keep providing musical accompaniment

381. and punctuation to dramatic events.

382. - You're the man, Al.

383. - Yes.

384. Yes, I know.

385. Say Buford, since I'm probably never going to see you again,

386. I wanted to give you something to remember me by,

387. this chunk of ice for my refrigerator.

388. - Wow, man, that's cold.

389. That's really cold.

390. - Piece of pie, we've had some good times together,

391. but now you're going to a better place.

392. - Are you finished?

393. - Yeah, I'm done.

394. - Well, there's nothing else you have

395. to do, like play your accordion or kiss

396. your stalagmites goodbye? - Nope.

397. - Well, don't you have to make a banana

398. mustard sandwich for the road?

399. - No, I'll just be on my way.

400. Farewell cave.

401. It's been fun. - Wait!

402. You can't go. - What?

403. - I order you.

404. Come back in here now. - What is it, Huey?

405. Are you trying to say something?

406. - I order you to do a cartwheel, right now.

407. - Sorry, I'm all cartwheeled out at the moment.

408. Well, see ya!

409. - Fine. Go if you want.

410. And I'll be here all alone as usual.

411. Everyone hates Huey.

412. Huey poo-y.

413. - Well, you're no bully, are you, Huey?

414. - Come on, please don't cry.

415. - Everyone hates me.

416. No one wants to play with me.

417. - Huey, I had no idea you felt this way.

418. I had no idea you felt anything.

419. - No one likes me.

420. - I like you.

421. I mean, in theory.

422. If you weren't so bossy.

423. In an alternate universe where you're this totally different

424. person and not a tyrant, I like you.

425. - Really?

426. - Sure.

427. You know, if you just give it half a chance,

428. you might find that people think you're OK.

429. Like these people from Honolulu.

430. - You mean, you forgive me?

431. - Well, I don't know.

432. I mean, I don't really have the right to forgive anyone.

433. I mean, I don't live here anymore.

434. - Well, see ya!

435. - Well, that, yeah.

436. I guess you don't have to go now.

437. - Great!

438. Let's watch some TV.

439. - Hello, boys and girls, I'm Fred Huggins.

440. And these are my little friends, Poppa Boolee and Baby Boolee.

441. - I'm hungry!

442. - When do we get paid?

443. - Oh, what a beautiful day it is.

444. It's such a nice day, isn't it?

445. It's really, really nice.

446. I like that word, "nice."

447. - I hate you, Fred.

448. - You know, you should always be nice,

449. because it's nice to be nice.

450. - It'd be nice if you'd just shut up!

451. - And if you're nice to people, people will be nice to you,

452. too.

453. How about that?

454. I wrote a little song about it, it's called,

455. "It's Nice to Be Nice." - This is fun.

456. I like hanging out with you.

457. - You're not so bad yourself, sir.

458. - You don't have to call me sir anymore, just Huey.

459. Now that we're friends.

460. I can come over here all the time and hang out.

461. Finally, Huey learned that it's not

462. good to be a bully and mistreat others.

463. "The Weird Al Show" will be right back.

464. I promise.

465. And now, the spine-tingling conclusion

466. of "The Weird Al Show."

467. - Harvey, what were you doing in there?

468. You mischievous little imp. Anyway—

469. - My foot! Look what he did to my foot.

470. He's nuts, I tell you.

471. He must be stopped.

472. Please- - You'll be all right.

473. Well, Huey's gone now, and he promised me

474. he'd really hard to be nice to everyone.

475. I have a feeling he'll be back someday.

476. Unless I can get that restraining order.

477. And from now on, I'm going to try just talking to people,

478. instead of letting stomp all over me.

479. Anyway, before I sign off, I just

480. have to try my automatic toenail clipper one last time.

481. They're beautiful!

482. Do you know what this means?

483. The world will never be the same again.

484. Thus begins the dawning of a new age, an age in which we can all

485. be free, free to live in a world without hangnails.

486. Oh, what a glorious thought!

487. Anyways, it's the end of the show, so until next time,

488. remember to always look both ways before crossing

489. the street, because you never know when someone's gonna—