The Weird Al Show 1x5

1. THEME SONG:Oh, This is a story about a guy named Al.

2. And he lived in a sewer with is hamster pal.

3. But the sanitation workers really didn't approve,

4. so he packed up his accordion and moved to a city in Ohio

5. where he lived in a tree and he worked

6. in a nasal decongestant factory.

7. And he played on the company bowling team.

8. And every single night he had a strange reoccuring dream

9. where he was wearing lederhosen in a vat of sour cream.

10. But that's really not important to the story.

11. Well, the very next year he met a dental hygienist

12. with a spatula tattooed on her arm.

13. But he didn't keep in touch, and he lost her number.

14. Then, he got himself a job on a tator tot farm,

15. and he spent his life savings on a split-level cave

16. 20 miles below the surface of the Earth.

17. And he really makes a mighty fine jelly bean and pickle

18. sandwich, for what it's worth.

19. Then one day Al was in the forest trying to get a tan when

20. he heard the tortured screaming of a funny little man.

21. He was caught in a bear trap and Al set him free.

22. And the guy that he rescued was as grateful as can be.

23. And it turns out he's a big-shot producer on TV.

24. So he gives Al a contract, and whaddya know, now

25. he's got his very own Weird Al show.

26. Today's lesson is "It's important to acknowledge

27. your mistakes, learn from them, and try to do better next time.

28. - Screwdrivers.

29. Screwdriver.

30. Where do all the screwdrivers go around here.

31. Oh, good.

32. Hey, how you doin'?

33. Man, have I had a busy morning.

34. It's only 11:32, and already I've gotten so much done.

35. For one thing, I'm really close to finishing

36. this brand new invention.

37. I've gone through all the letters in the mail bag,

38. and gotten my fortune told by Madam Judy.

39. Oh, Bobby came over this morning.

40. I had to answer every single one of his ridiculous questions.

41. And, of course, I had my weekly jai alai game with Teri Garr.

42. Man, did I get whooped.

43. This has been a madhouse here this morning.

44. There, all done.

45. I've rewired does this clock radio

46. into a bonafide time machine.

47. Now, I can go back to any point in history, anytime I want to.

48. That's kinda cool, huh? Let's see.

49. I've worked tirelessly for days on end,

50. and I finally invented something that

51. will change the very face of civilization as we know it.

52. What should I do to celebrate?

53. I know! Watch TV.

54. - Ow!

55. Let this be a lesson to the rest of you.

56. Always make sure you warm up before you start doing

57. serious exercises, otherwise you're libel— Ah!

58. Was that my spine?

59. Ow!

60. That smarts.

61. Stop it!

62. - You have no respect for me.

63. That's what it all comes down to,

64. and I refuse to be in a relationship

65. where I am not respected.

66. I'm leaving you.

67. Good bye.

68. Be sure to join us again tomorrow

69. for "The Young and the House Broken."

70. - Today's kids question is from Lisa Haliday in Downer's Grove,

71. Illinois, who asks, "Do anchormen really

72. have anchors attached to them?"

73. Of course not, Lisa, we have huge concrete blocks.

74. Anchors haven't been used since the late '70s.

75. 20 seconds to liftoff and counting.

76. Still no launch pad power.

77. Can somebody confirm status on that?

78. - We have isolated the system malfunction,

79. and we are ready to proceed. Copy that.

80. T-minus 10, 9, 8, 7.

81. 6, 5, 4, 3.

82. 2, 1, 0.

83. Ignition.

84. Ignition.

85. Houston, we have a problem.

86. Got a six-foot, grounded heavy-duty extension

87. cord with a two-prong adapter?

88. - Huh.

89. Wonder who that could be.

90. - Hiya.

91. Where is he? - Who?

92. Harvey?

93. - I predict he is in his Habitrail.

94. - Surprise!

95. - Happy birthday little buddy.

96. - (Singing) For he's a jolly good hamster.

97. For he's a jolly good hamster.

98. For he's a jolly good hamster.

99. Which nobody can deny. - No.

100. It couldn't be.

101. Today's not Harvey's birthday, is it?

102. It is Harvey's birthday.

103. Oh, man, I totally spaced.

104. - For you, little fella.

105. Your very own monogrammed spatula.

106. - Hope you like it, Harv.

107. I made it myself.

108. I couldn't find thread that was strong enough,

109. so I used hair that I yanked out of my own head.

110. - Hey, where's Val Brentwood, gal spy?

111. Guess she forgot all about Harvey's birthday.

112. Can you imagine that.

113. - Harv!

114. Happy birthday, baby.

115. I just finished risking my life to bring you this.

116. It's a play shoe.

117. With a two-way radio.

118. Now we can keep in touch when I'm

119. out on my dangerous spy missions.

120. - OK. OK Now me.

121. From my own collection, a crystal

122. ball to guide your path.

123. Look, you can see the future swirling in it already.

124. - Wait a minute.

125. That's not the future.

126. That's "Saved By the Bell."

127. - Hey, this thing is picking up cable.

128. - Cool.

129. - I could never admit to Harvey that I

130. forgot to get him a present.

131. He's be crushed.

132. If only I could do this whole morning over.

133. Hey, I can do this day over.

134. I'll just use my intention to go back in time,

135. pick up a present from Harvey— Come to think of it,

136. I can redo anything I want.

137. Oh, this will be great.

138. OK.

139. I'll just set it for 30 minutes into the past.

140. There.

141. OK, now I just hit the snooze bar, and—

142. Ow.

143. Oh, hot, hot.

144. I think my invention needs a slight adjustment.

145. Went a little too far back in time.

146. Hmm, that's a little closer, but still not right.

147. Hey, it worked.

148. I've gone 30 minutes back in time from where I started.

149. Now, I can just run by Horatio's Hamster Hut

150. and pick out the perfect gift for Harvey,

151. and he'll never know I forgot.

152. Oh, I guess it's time for Al's mailbag.

153. I don't have time to answer the mail again,

154. I gotta— wait a minute.

155. Didn't see this one before.

156. A letter from the electric company— final notice!

157. Those ingrates!

158. I pay my bill almost every month.

159. These guys deserve a piece of my mind.

160. Hello, electric company?

161. Yeah, I just received the final notice from you people,

162. and I am outraged.

163. Look, if you bozos can't wait for my payment,

164. then I don't need you.

165. I've got a hamster here with a wheel

166. that could power my whole house.

167. So get a grip, all right?

168. See, sometimes you get to these big companies who's boss.

169. Technical difficulties, but, stick around.

170. With the help of my time machine,

171. I'm gonna get Harvey a birthday present

172. if it's the last thing I do.

173. We'll be right— ouch!

174. Maybe if Al would just admit that he forgot Harvey's

175. birthday and try to deal with it,

176. he wouldn't need a time machine.

177. Hey, don't go away.

178. "The Weird Al Show" will be back in a flash.

179. Can you believe it? "The Weird Al Show" is back.

180. - Hey, everybody.

181. Little misunderstanding with the electric company here,

182. and I'm almost out of matches.

183. Guess I should probably just use my time machine again.

184. Yeah, all right.

185. OK, I'll go back in time another half hour,

186. so I can pay my electric bill, and get Harvey a present,

187. so he'll never know I forget. Here goes.

188. Oh, that's better.

189. Oh, hey, Madam Judy.

190. - Silence, toad!

191. I am divining your future.

192. - That's great, but I already know my future,

193. and I don't really have time for this right now,

194. so can we do this some other day maybe?

195. - Oh, I see that you are anxious.

196. You are a very anxious person.

197. - Anxious?

198. That's not what you told me last time you told my fortune.

199. - Shh.

200. The anxious man is soon bitten by radioactive lobsters.

201. - Good to know.

202. Ok, Madam Judy, I really got to run.

203. Just put this on my soothsaying tab, OK?

204. Man, what a day this has been.

205. Can you believe— No!

206. She was right.

207. Oh man, that was creepy.

208. I sure hope there aren't any nasty side effects.

209. I should be fine.

210. Now, what do I have to do?

211. One, call the exterminator to get rid of the lobsters.

212. Two, pay the electric bill.

213. Three— where's three? Oh!

214. I'm lobster boy!

215. All right!

216. I got fingers.

217. Yeah OK, let's see: call exterminator,

218. pay electric bill, get Harvey a present.

219. - Hi Al.

220. - Bobby, I don't have time right now.

221. - But Al, I just gotta know something.

222. - Where do ice cubes come from?

223. Believe it or not, Bobby, I already answered that for you,

224. and I don't have time to do it again, OK?

225. - But Al, I really want to know.

226. - Bobby, I'll tell you later.

227. - But Al, I want to know now!

228. - You know what, Bobby I would show you an educational film

229. on the subject, that I already showed you,

230. but based on your recent behavior,

231. I think there's another film you should watch.

232. What are manners?

233. Manners are the rules we all live by that keep us

234. from beating the living daylights out of each other.

235. When Mary goes over to visit her friend Sally,

236. and Sally tells her that she smells funny,

237. that's not very good manners, is it?

238. No.

239. And it's liable to hurt her feelings, too.

240. What would a polite host do?

241. I polite host wears a sweater identical to the one

242. his friend is wearing.

243. That makes his guest feel at ease.

244. What other ways can we be courteous?

245. Well, when you attend a school assembly,

246. and you have to sit through a boring puppet show, don't talk,

247. don't say a word.

248. Just act like it's the funniest thing you've ever

249. seen in your life, then get up and leave

250. quickly before they do an encore.

251. When eating in restaurants, remember,

252. the left fork is for the salad, the middle fork

253. is for the main course, and the last fork

254. is for defending yourself against rabid wolverines.

255. And most importantly, always remember those three

256. magic words: "please," "thanks," and "uvula."

257. Try repeating these helpful phrases after me: "Please move.

258. Your standing on my neck."Thanks so much

259. for the giant bag of goat dropping."

260. "My, but you have a lovely uvula."

261. I hope these little handy hints will

262. help you to mind your manners.

263. - So, Bobby, did you learn something here today?

264. - I sure did.

265. I learned that you won't answer my questions anymore,

266. you big doofus.

267. Here, take back the bowling ball you gave me.

268. I don't like you anymore.

269. - But Bobby, I— Ow!

270. OK, that's it.

271. No more distractions.

272. I gotta get Harvey's present or he's gonna be so upset.

273. Ow!

274. - Oh, Al, why are you in such a hurry?

275. Our jai alai game isn't for another 20 minutes.

276. - Oh, that's right.

277. Oh, Teri, I'm really sorry but I've gotten really busy.

278. I'm going to have to cancel.

279. - Cancel? Cancel?

280. But I got up early for this.

281. I mean, I could have slept in.

282. - Teri, I'm really sorry, but you wouldn't

283. believe how many things I have to do.

284. - Oh, cry me a river.

285. And here, busy boy, you're gonna need your lousy clock.

286. - Hmm, must be getting kind of early in the day.

287. You know, all this time travel is making me kind of hungry.

288. Before I go any further, I think I

289. need a little nutrition break.

290. So why don't we make frozen waffle and sardine nachos.

291. You start with your waffles.

292. Heated or not, it's your choice.

293. Then add the sardines, the nacho cheese, some jalapenos, motor

294. oil, and the secret ingredient, shaved chocolate.

295. Now, personally, I like to shave the chocolate myself.

296. And I prefer an electric razor over the blade kind.

297. It just tastes better that way.

298. Electric ones are also a lot safer.

299. I mean, I can't tell you how many

300. accidents I've— The razor's possessed!

301. Maybe next time I'll just use chocolate chips.

302. Say, why does everything suddenly seem louder?

303. OK, it's 8:30 in the morning.

304. Now, what do I have to do to make everything right?

305. OK, to hide all my mistakes, I need to fix my electric shaver,

306. get rid of the lobsters, play jai alai with Teri Garr,

307. pay the electric bill, answer Bobby's question,

308. and buy Harvey a present.

309. Now, unless something gets in my way,

310. like say, a Russian Kazakh dancer, I should be just great.

311. When Al comes to, maybe he'll deal with the fact

312. that he simply forgot Harvey's birthday.

313. "The Weird Al Show" will be right back.

314. I promise.

315. It's time for more of "The Weird Al Show."

316. - Al, Al. What's going on?

317. - Al, what happened?

318. When we came over to celebrate Harvey's birthday,

319. we found you like this?

320. - Oh, yeah.

321. Must have bumped my head.

322. Look, let me just do what I should

323. have done in the first place.

324. Harvey, I'm really sorry, but I didn't

325. get you a birthday present.

326. I totally forgot.

327. Can you forgive me?

328. - Wait, Harvey is channeling me.

329. He says no biggie.

330. He's just glad you're here.

331. Now, let's snarf some cake!

332. - Yeah!

333. I can't believe all that running around I did.

334. Just I wouldn't have to admit I forgot.

335. I should have known my best friend would

336. understand if I made a mistake.

337. Ok, Harv, blow out that candle.

338. - Wait.

339. I'm getting another message.

340. Harvey says, your his very favorite singer

341. in the whole world, besides Eddie Vedder, Luciano

342. Pavarotti, and William Shatner. -Really?

343. - And it's Harvey's secret wish for you

344. to perform a special birthday song for him.

345. - Aw, hey buddy, no problem.

346. I think my band is around here somewhere.

347. Oh, there they are.

348. I think we're all set up.

349. You guys ready to rock and roll?

350. - Well, all right!

351. Looks like Al solved his problem just

352. by admitting his mistake and apologizing.

353. See how easy that was?

354. - This is boring.

355. - Yeah

356. - Man, I sure wish my Morpho-Man could see or hear or talk.

357. Hey, kids, are you looking for this?

358. It's Morpho-Man's head. - Wow!

359. All right!

360. Imagine the fun, imagine the adventure

361. when the Morpho-Man's head and torso collide.

362. Put them together to strike a blow

363. against the forces of the evil Emperor Zargo

364. - Take that, you evildoers.

365. Combine them in the Morpho-Car

366. for action-packed thrills.

367. - Hey, look out!

368. When Morpho-Man becomes a viable life form,

369. the fun never ends.

370. - Morpho-Man! Morpho-Man.

371. Head, arms, legs, feet, hands, torso, and rear end all

372. sold separately.

373. Don't even ask about the Morpho-Car.

374. WEIRD AL (VOICEOVER): Hold your horses, we'll be right back.

375. And now the spine tingling conclusion

376. of "The Weird Al Show."

377. I met him in a swamp down

378. in Dagobah, where it bubbles all the time

379. like a giant carbonated soda. S-O-D-A, soda.

380. I saw the little runt sitting there on a log,

381. I asked him his name and in a raspy voice, he said, Yoda.

382. Y-O-D-A, Yoda. Yo-yo-yo-yo-yoda.

383. Well, I've been around, but I ain't never

384. seen a guy who looks like a Muppet,

385. but he's wrinkled and green. Oh, my Yoda.

386. Yo-yo-yo-yoda.

387. Well, I'm not dumb, but I can't understand, how he can lift me

388. in the air, just by raising his hand.

389. Oh, my Yoda. Yo-yo-yo-yo-yoda.

390. Well, I left home just a week before,

391. and I never, ever been a Jedi before,

392. but Obi Wan, set me straight, of course.

393. He said, "Go to Yoda.

394. He'll show you the force."

395. Well, I'm not the kind that would argue with Ben.

396. It looks like I'm gonna start all over again with my Yoda.

397. Yo-yo-yo-yo-yoda.

398. So, I used the force.

399. I picked up a box.

400. I lifted some rocks.

401. Well, I stood on my head.

402. Well, I won't forget what Yoda said.

403. He said, "Luke stay away from the darker side,

404. if you start to go astray, let the force be your guide."

405. Oh, my Yoda. Yo-yo-yo-yo-yoda.

406. "I know Darth Vader's really got you annoyed,

407. but remember if you kill him then you'll be unemployed.

408. Oh my, Yoda. Yo-yo-yo-yo-yoda.

409. Well, I heard my friends really got in a mess.

410. So, I'm gonna have to leave Yoda, I guess.

411. But I know that I'll be coming back someday.

412. I'll be playing this part till I'm old and grey.

413. The long-term contract I had to sign

414. says I'll be making these movies till the end

415. of time with my Yoda.

416. Yo-yo-yo-yo-yoda.

417. - Happy birthday, Harvey!