The Weird Al Show 1x4

1. Oh, this is the story about a guy named Al,

2. and he lived in a sewer with his hamster pal.

3. But the sanitation workers really didn't approve.

4. So he packed up his accordion and had

5. to move to a city in Ohio where he lived in a tree.

6. And he worked in a nasal decongestant factory.

7. And he played on the company bowling team.

8. And every single night he had a strange recurring dream

9. where he was wearing Lederhosen in a batch of sour cream.

10. But that's really not important to the story.

11. Well, the very next year he met a dental hygienist

12. with a spatula tattooed on her arm— on her arm.

13. But he didn't keep in touch, and he lost her number.

14. Then he got himself a job on a tater tot farm.

15. And he spent his life savings on a split level cave

16. twenty miles below the surface of the earth— of the earth.

17. And he really makes a mighty fine jelly bean and pickle

18. sandwich, for what it's worth.

19. Then one day Al was in the forest trying to get a tan when

20. he heard the tortured screaming of a funny little man.

21. He was caught in a bear trap, and Al set him free.

22. And the guy that he rescued was grateful as can be.

23. And it turns out he's a big shot producer on TV.

24. So he gives Al a contract, and what do you know.

25. Now he's got his very own Weird Al show.

26. Hey, hey, hey, hey!

27. Yeah, yeah!

28. Yeah, yeah!

29. Yeah, yeah!

30. Today's lesson is— learning new things

31. takes time, study, and hard work.

32. - Let's see now.

33. Well, your temperature's normal.

34. Oh hey, everybody.

35. How are you doing?

36. My pal Harvey here isn't feeling very well.

37. I've read the National Rodent Society's Official Hampster

38. Maintenance Manual from cover to cover twice,

39. and I still can't find the problem.

40. I think he might be faking it.

41. Still, it wouldn't hurt to fill out

42. that hamster organ donor card.

43. Heh, heh.

44. I'm just kidding around, Harv.

45. Well, let's review your symptoms one

46. more time— lack of movement, rear end is

47. hard and plastic-like, emits a strange whirring sound.

48. Oh! I know what it is.

49. Harvey's just being sucked

50. into the vacuum cleaner, that's all.

51. How does this thing work?

52. - Al!

53. - Bobby, you scared me to death.

54. - Sorry, Al.

55. But I really need to know something.

56. What would happen if I never brush my teeth?

57. - Well, now there's a very pressing question, Bobby.

58. Say, why don't we just stop everything

59. and watch this incredibly entertaining and instructive

60. movie.

61. We use our teeth every day

62. to smile and to bite things.

63. But what happens if we neglect our teeth?

64. They might wind up looking like this or this or this.

65. Ugh.

66. So how can we keep our teeth healthy and clean?

67. First of all, visit your dentist every day,

68. and bring along a friend to watch.

69. Also, when you eat cake, chew with your mouth closed.

70. Don't be a pig.

71. When you eat stinky food, hold your nose.

72. And don't eat too many sugar cubes, either.

73. It's also a good idea to check your teeth in a mirror

74. every five minutes or so, just to make

75. sure they're still there.

76. And most importantly, learn the proper way to brush.

77. A lot of kids try to brush their teeth without actually putting

78. the toothbrush inside their mouths, like these kids.

79. Silly— brushing your cheek doesn't do any good.

80. You've got to take your teeth out of your mouth

81. first, and then brush them.

82. So remember, brush.

83. Brush as if your life depended on it.

84. Be nice to your teeth.

85. Or else you'll have to eat everything through a straw.

86. - Sorry, Harvey.

87. It won't happen again.

88. Ah.

89. So, Bobby, are you now chock full of knowledge?

90. - Al, how come I can't breathe water?

91. - Guess not.

92. Bobby, I really don't know.

93. - Then how come I can't breathe gravy?

94. - Bobby, I don't know.

95. - How come it doesn't hurt when I get a haircut?

96. - I don't know!

97. - How come fly swatters have holes in them?

98. He doesn't know.

99. - Al, why can't you answer any of my questions?

100. - Bobby, because you ask questions

101. that nobody knows the answers to.

102. - Well, actually, you can't breathe water or gravy

103. because they're both liquids.

104. And our lungs can only breathe gasses.

105. It doesn't hurt to cut your hair

106. because there are no nerve endings there.

107. The holes in a fly swatter reduce wind resistance,

108. thus making it move through the air faster.

109. Sorry about flashy entrance.

110. My superhero's license is up for renewal.

111. Just brushing up on the basics.

112. - Ah. - Wow, you know everything.

113. - Well, my PhDs in biology, geology, and astrophysics

114. do come in handy sometimes, I guess.

115. - You have three PhDs?

116. - No, wait a minute.

117. No, that's not right.

118. - I didn't think so.

119. - Five, yeah, I actually have five.

120. I also have a degree in hooded studies and one

121. in taking the law in your own hands.

122. Got a little carried away in college.

123. - Bobby, a PhD is a kind of degree

124. that you earn in college after you've mastered a subject.

125. - Duh, I'm not a moron.

126. - OK.

127. - Anyhow, I was going through the paper,

128. and I found these 553 get one free frozen burritos

129. coupons— thought of you right away.

130. - Oh, thanks.

131. - OK, well, I've got to go.

132. - Wait, Mr. Hooded Avenger, wait up.

133. I've got lots of questions. - Bobby.

134. - Bye, Al, got to go.

135. - But Bobby, I know all about hamster stuff.

136. Oh, what good is that?

137. Wow, Hooded Avenger knows about so many different things,

138. and I've just been burying my head in this.

139. From now on, I want to know everything.

140. I want to be a fountain of wisdom

141. on every subject possible.

142. Oh, how I thirst for knowledge, or maybe some Limburger soda.

143. Yeah, that sounds good.

144. But first, let's see if there's something educational on TV.

145. - Elizabeth, I've told you once.

146. I've told you a thousand times, just one lump of sugar, please.

147. This tastes like a candy bar.

148. - Daddy, would you fix my tie?

149. - That's a job for your mummy.

150. Mummy!

151. Come in here and help your son.

152. Mummy!

153. Ah, there you are.

154. - Mummy, would you fix my tie?

155. - Don't just stand there.

156. Help the boy.

157. My good robe, you don't.

158. Now you've completely wrecked my tea.

159. - Mummy.

160. - Lunch is just around the corner.

161. I suppose you're going to see you

162. way to ruining that too. Ha.

163. Mummy and Daddy will return after this.

164. - Today, Babe Ruth announced that he will come out of retirement

165. and return to the major leagues.

166. In related news, Babe Ruth is alive?

167. He walks the Earth.

168. Run for your lives!

169. Hey, you-a pass the lasagna.

170. Ha, don't you get any on ya, you sloppy pig.

171. Have-a more ravioli.

172. You-a get roly-poly a-nice and-a big, like your cousin, Luigi.

173. Luigi, Luigi, capisce, paisan, capisce, paisan, capisce,

174. paisan.

175. La lasagna, la lasagna, la lasagna la lasagna.

176. Hey!

177. Hey!

178. - Hi, I'm Alex Trebek.

179. Would you like to make more money, impress your friends,

180. be like me and know everything in the world?

181. Sure you would.

182. And now, the Know-It-All Correspondence School

183. can help, with courses in molecular biology,

184. nuclear waste management, air traffic controlling, aardvark

185. training, belly button lint recycling, UFO restoration

186. and repair, unleashing your inner robot, frog cosmetology,

187. accounting, and so many more.

188. With the Know-It-All Correspondence School,

189. you can know it all in no time at all.

190. Call Know-It-All now, and start learning today.

191. - I did

192. - Wow.

193. That's the answer to all my problems.

194. If I just take every single one of those amazing courses,

195. there won't be anything I don't know.

196. And then I'll be admired by all.

197. And I can learn it all really, really fast.

198. Ah. That's it.

199. I'm going to order the works.

200. And then, I will know everything.

201. Hello?

202. Can Al really know it all?

203. Or will he blow it all by trying to learn

204. too many things at once?

205. AL: Don't go away.

206. We'll be right back.

207. And now, back to the show.

208. Wow, look at this.

209. The Know-It-All Correspondence School

210. sent me the sum total of mankind's accumulated

211. knowledge— and a cycle phone, absolutely free.

212. - Well, that's the last one there.

213. So if you just sign here, please.

214. - Great.

215. I can hardly wait to get started.

216. Pretty soon, I'm going to be the most educated guy you ever met.

217. - Yeah, but that's, that's really, really good.

218. Let me just find a pen for you here, OK?

219. Would you mind holding this?

220. Oh, that's my PhD in anthropology

221. and my degree in quantum physics— ah, Nobel Prize.

222. Ah, here we go. Here's a pen.

223. Oh, you're going to need something

224. to bear down on, though.

225. Here, use my Master's thesis on subatomic particles.

226. There you go, all righty.

227. Thanks a lot and good luck.

228. - OK, well, let's get started, ah.

229. - Al, what's with all this?

230. - Oh, hey, Valerie.

231. These are all my new books.

232. I've made it my goal to learn everything

233. there is to know in the entire world.

234. - You can't really expect to learn everything overnight.

235. I mean, it took me years of work to become a master spy.

236. - Oh, come on, Val.

237. We all know you're a spy, but what

238. makes you think you're a master spy?

239. - Hmm, I'll show you.

240. These are the socks you

241. were wearing up until a second ago.

242. Got 'em while you were blinking.

243. - OK, well, thanks Val.

244. Glad you could pop in and make me

245. feel even more insignificant.

246. - Oh, sure, I'd love to—

247. - 20th Century Belgian Philosophers—

248. hey, no pictures— boring.

249. Now, what else?

250. Oh, Advanced Geometry— that sounds kind of hard.

251. Forget that.

252. I'm sure I can get my money back on those.

253. Hey, 30 Seconds to Martial Arts Mastery—

254. now, this sounds cool.

255. To begin your martial arts training, look behind you.

256. Hello, little sensei.

257. My name is Kuni.

258. I will be your Judo instructor for the next 30 seconds.

259. - Oh, OK, well, what do I—

260. - No questions!

261. We are on a very serious schedule here.

262. OK.

263. - Now, the martial arts I am to teach you

264. are only to be used for defense, not for attack Let's begin.

265. Attack me!

266. - But you just said that—

267. - I know what I said.

268. Attack me!

269. - OK.

270. Well, that was kind of painful.

271. - Well, what do you expect? You attacked me.

272. - But you told me to.

273. - Ah, with pain comes wisdom, little wood tick.

274. - Ow, hey, that wasn't for defense.

275. - Ah, but it was.

276. You are my opponent.

277. And as my opponent, I correctly assumed that at some time,

278. you attack me.

279. Therefore, I can anticipate the need for defense.

280. - I don't think I want to take Judo from you.

281. - But your training has just begun, little dung beetle.

282. Oops, sorry, time is up.

283. Course is over. - What?

284. Oh, I didn't learn very much.

285. - That is right, little cockroach.

286. It takes time to master any skill.

287. You did not learn because you did not study.

288. You're so stupid.

289. Bye bye.

290. - Well, that was a waste of 30 seconds.

291. Ah, what have we got here?

292. Ah, astral projection— hey, I've heard of this.

293. Hey, look Harvey.

294. I'm going to learn how to travel outside of my own body.

295. Ah, this should be a snap.

296. Prepare yourself for astral projection.

297. First, completely empty your mind,

298. as if there's nothing there at all.

299. - That shouldn't be too hard.

300. Next, put

301. on your stimulus sensory sunglasses,

302. and allow yourself to become one with the universe.

303. Relax.

304. Breathe deep.

305. Soon, your spirit will separate from your physical being.

306. You will be able to explore the infinite possibilities

307. of traveling outside your body.

308. Discover your true purpose in life, and still be home in time

309. for dinner. Offer void in Nebraska.

310. - Hmm, I don't think this is working.

311. Boy, what a bunch of—

312. Hey, it happened.

313. My spirit left my body.

314. OK, concentrate.

315. What's my greater purpose?

316. How do I want to use this limitless opportunity?

317. Think I'll watch some TV.

318. Can't sleep?

319. Congested?

320. Runny nose?

321. - Ughhh.

322. Sore throat, nagging cough?

323. Fever and sinus infection?

324. - Ugh.

325. Dizzy, nauseous, disoriented,

326. constipated, memory loss, a little crazy,

327. can't shake your evil self?

328. Haunted house, knight in shining armor,

329. CIA agent, upside down person, golden retriever,

330. huge beach ball, Miss America, flying monkeys.

331. Oh, man.

332. I can't believe it.

333. This is my higher purpose?

334. I'm going back in my body.

335. Well, now I'm really getting behind schedule.

336. But well, I should definitely know everything in the world

337. by the time we come back.

338. I can't wait!

339. What has Al learned so far?

340. Nothing!

341. Maybe that's because you can't learn new information

342. unless you take the time to study.

343. AL: Ha-ha-hey, stay tuned for more of The Weird Al Show.

344. All right, The Weird Al Show is back.

345. The blue-nostriled pigeon keep its young

346. inside its left ear for the entire length of gestation.

347. Hmm.

348. King Henry the Third had a wart on his kneecap

349. in the shape of a small poodle.

350. Sure is a lot to learn.

351. Man, I'll never remember all this.

352. I need a break.

353. You know what?

354. I think it's time for a death-defying stunt

355. from the one, the only, Harvey, the Wonder Hamster.

356. Hey, pal, how you doing?

357. Today, Harvey will attempt to break

358. the all-time hamster weightlifting record.

359. Good luck, pal!

360. All right, concentrate, Harvey.

361. Come on.

362. Lift with the legs, not with the back.

363. You can do it, Harvey.

364. You can do it.

365. Yes!

366. It's a brand new hamster weightlifting record.

367. Oh, great job, pal.

368. Ah, well, time to get back to the books.

369. - Well, that's how a fruit drink can advertise itself

370. as all natural, even though it only has 10% real juice.

371. Hey, Al.

372. How's the quest for knowledge coming?

373. - Well, I was going to learn everything in the world today,

374. but it's not really working out.

375. I took on so many subjects that I don't have time

376. to really get to know any of them.

377. In fact, I don't think I learned anything.

378. - Well, what did you expect, my friend?

379. You can learn everything all at once.

380. It takes time.

381. And you've got to really stick with it.

382. And most important of all, you need pizza!

383. You can't learn on an empty stomach.

384. - Oh, man, thanks.

385. What kind is it?

386. - Peanut butter pizza, your favorite.

387. - Mmm, sounds great. Well, you know what?

388. I'll join you guys in a second.

389. But first, I can tell by the old clock on the wall

390. that once again, it's time for

391. Al's mail bag.

392. That's right.

393. Well, let's see what we got in the old mail bag this week.

394. Let's see.

395. Got a letter here from Buffalo, NY.

396. And it says, Dear Al, I have a problem.

397. The other day I swallowed a watermelon seed.

398. Now, my older brother says that watermelons are going

399. to grow in my stomach, and that the doctor will

400. have to cut me open to get them out.

401. And when he does, my brother is going to steal them and sell

402. them in his own watermelon stand and not

403. give me any of the money.

404. What should I do?

405. Signed, Nelson Sebastian Gunderplatz, age seven.

406. Well, Nelson the answer is easy.

407. Get yourself a good business lawyer.

408. I don't know about all that medical stuff,

409. but it doesn't sound like your brother has any right

410. to profit from a watermelon business that you started.

411. And furthermore—

412. - Good grief, Harvey's choking.

413. The peanut butter's too much for him.

414. - What are we going to do?

415. What are we going to do?

416. - Wow, Al, that was amazing.

417. How did you know what to do?

418. - Oh, it's no big deal.

419. The hamster Heimlich is one of the most

420. basic emergency procedures.

421. - Say, you've been studying that book for some time now,

422. haven't you?

423. - Yeah, well, I've always been really

424. interested in how to take care of Harvey.

425. So I just concentrated on this stuff and stuck with it in,

426. and I guess I'm kind of an expert in it now.

427. Wow!

428. Don't go away.

429. We'll be right back.

430. Al learned a lesson from Harvey.

431. Don't bite off more than you can chew.

432. There's no substitute for taking time to study one subject well.

433. Camp Superfun.

434. Camp Supercamp is fun, fun, fun.

435. Camp Superfun is fun, fun, fun.

436. Fun fun, fun fun, fun fun fun.

437. Camp is fun when it Superfun.

438. Oo-oh fun.

439. Hey, everybody, want to have some fun this summer?

440. Try Camp Superfun.

441. Camp Superfun is the perfect camp for shapeless,

442. tall furry animals between the ages of six and 13.

443. See you later Mom and Dad.

444. Fun fun, fun fun, fun fun fun.

445. Camp is fun.

446. Camp Superfun.

447. Super fun.

448. Camp Superfun.

449. Jump in.

450. It's super fun.

451. AL: We'll be right back.

452. And don't you move.

453. Ha-ha-hey, it's time for more of The Weird Al Show.

454. - Al, to honor your knowledge of the subject

455. and to recognize your special achievements in the field.

456. We'd all like to present you with this honorary doctorate

457. in hamster maintenance.

458. - Congratulations, Al.

459. - Oh, oh, thanks, guys.

460. You know, our time is about up for this week.

461. But I hope we've all learned an important lesson here today.

462. And that is, that real knowledge can't

463. be paid for in three easy installments of $19.95.

464. Real knowledge takes work and sacrifice and pizza—

465. and a really good reading lamp, so you don't hurt your eyes.

466. So until next week, remember to always, always,

467. always wear shark repellent because you never

468. know when one's gonna—