The Weird Al Show 1x3

1. Oh this is the story about a guy named Al.

2. And he lived in a sewer with his hamster pal.

3. But the sanitation workers really didn't approve.

4. So he packed up his accordion, and had

5. to move to a city in Ohio where he lived in a tree.

6. And he worked at a nasal decongestant factory.

7. And he played on the company bowling team.

8. And every single night, he had a strange, recurring dream

9. where he was wearing Lederhosen in a vat of sour cream.

10. But that's really not important to the story.

11. Well, the very next year, he met a dental hygienist

12. with a spatula tattooed on her arm, on her arm.

13. But he didn't keep in touch.

14. And he lost her number.

15. Then he got himself a job on a tator tot farm.

16. And he spend his life-savings on a split-cave 20 miles

17. below the surface of the Earth, of the Earth.

18. And he really makes mighty jelly bean and pickle

19. sandwich, for what it's worth.

20. Then one day, Al was in the forest trying to get a tan when

21. he heard the tortured screaming of a funny, little man.

22. He was caught in a bear trap, and Al set him free.

23. And the guy that he rescued was grateful as can be.

24. And it turns out he's a big-shot producer on TV.

25. So he gives Al a contract, and what do you know?

26. Now he's got his very own Weird Al Show.

27. Today's lesson is you should try to understand,

28. and appreciate people who are different from you.

29. Don't make quick judgements.

30. Cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese.

31. Oh, hi.

32. In case you couldn't tell, I'm trying

33. to write a song about cheese.

34. It's gone kind of slow.

35. So far, all I have is cheese, cheese, something,

36. something, cheese, something.

37. Eh, need a little work.

38. In the meantime, though, why don't we

39. sing a song we already know?

40. Hey pal, you feel like singing the Harvey

41. the Wonderhamster theme song?

42. OK, well here we go.

43. - Oh, wait a minute.

44. Hold on, hold on.

45. This can't be right.

46. What the heck is going on here?

47. Harvey?

48. Phew, you're OK.

49. - Hey buddy, are we near the mine?

50. - The what?

51. - The coal mine.

52. According to this map, it should be around here somewhere.

53. - I don't know anything about a coal mine, but this is my home.

54. And I really didn't need a side entrance.

55. - Home, ay?

56. I don't see anything about a home on here, do you?

57. - No, it doesn't say anything about a Hawaiian guy, either.

58. - Well, obviously, your map is wrong, because I'm here,

59. there's no coal, anywhere, and you've

60. just destroyed my living room. - All right, relax.

61. We're sorry about the disturbance.

62. We'll fix the hole in your wall, and we'll be on our way,

63. pretty soon.

64. Cheese, cheese, cheese—

65. Hey, stop reading that!

66. - This has no middle.

67. All the cheese—

68. - Hey look, I'm on TV.

69. - Hey, listen, buddy, I gotta call my supervisor.

70. Can I use your telephone? - Yeah, sure, over there.

71. Hey, you're messing up all my stuff.

72. Excuse me, excuse me, would you mind taking off your gloves?

73. - You're the boss.

74. - Hey look, I'm Shaquille O'Neal.

75. - Don't you people have any manners?

76. - I don't know.

77. Maybe you can loan us some.

78. - So we were digging away in the old shaft,

79. and we broke through some guy's wall.

80. So listen, Stinky Face, me and these other sweaty, old,

81. dirt dogs over her—

82. - We're a little bit behind schedule, just so you know.

83. OK, bye-bye.

84. - So what did he say?

85. - Uh, blah, blah, blah, rah, rah, rah, you know.

86. - All right, guys.

87. Let's stop horsing around, and get this wall fixed,

88. be on our way.

89. - Well, uh, let's just try to ignore them, OK?

90. Anyway, I think it's just about time

91. to pop out to the kitchen for a little nutrition break.

92. Today, my recipe for lima bean cookies.

93. Mmm.

94. First, get a bunch of lima bean cookie dough.

95. Then you can invite your friends over for a cookie-making party.

96. And make the dough into neat shapes.

97. See, you can make a snowman, or a cow,

98. or a snake, or a bigger snake, or Pat Sajack's head.

99. - Goodness, goodness, you forgot the most important part.

100. - Oh what's that, sprinkling it with dirt?

101. - No, no, no.

102. Once you've finished making them, you've got to wrap it up.

103. - Oh, in what, a dirt wrapper?

104. - The most important part of food preparation is how you wrap it,

105. so it'll be there when you want to eat it.

106. Now first, start out with a layer of Saran wrap.

107. That's to trap the aroma, so it won't

108. attract the underground rats. - Interesting.

109. - Uh-huh.

110. And you take another layer— aluminum foil here.

111. That's to trap the crumbs— keep them from falling out,

112. so they won't attract the underground rats.

113. Next, I got a can of repellent spray here.

114. That's for the underground rats.

115. Then there's this metal box here.

116. - Oh wait, wait, let me guess.

117. It's for the underground rats.

118. - No, you potato head.

119. It's for the above ground rats for when

120. they crawl into the tunnel.

121. Hey boys, Hawaii Five-O, here, thought

122. the metal box was for the underground rats.

123. - Yeah, and it's great for the Easter Bunny, too.

124. - All right, that's it.

125. Look, I've tried to be polite with you guys,

126. but there's only so much I can take.

127. You drove through my wall, you touch my stuff,

128. you attract mud everywhere, and then

129. you have the audacity to tell me I'm

130. not wrapping my food properly?

131. Hey, hey, hey, get away from there.

132. What are you— Oh, Harvey, it's OK.

133. All is here to protect you.

134. - Holy cow, he's touching that rat.

135. - Hamster!

136. - Mister, those things are filthy.

137. - What are you, some kind of caveman?

138. - Well, at least I'm not some filthy,

139. foul-mouthed, sooty miner with no manners.

140. - Well, you don't find us cozying up to vermin now.

141. - Yeah. - Oh now, wait a minute.

142. How's this?

143. Oh, my little vermin named Herman, how are you?

144. No, no, oh, look at me.

145. I'm a miner.

146. I like dirt. I hate clean.

147. Will Al and the miners ever

148. try to understand each other better, so they can get along?

149. Stick around for the real dirt.

150. Don't go away.

151. We'll be right back.

152. And now, back to the show.

153. - Hey, welcome back.

154. And now, it's time for everyone's

155. favorite race— knight versus fireman.

156. We also have some miners in here.

157. Just try to ignore them.

158. OK, on your mark, get set, go.

159. - Oh, the race is on.

160. My money's on the fireman.

161. - And the knight is the winner.

162. - All right, all right, all right.

163. - Read it, and weep.

164. In the future, I'd appreciate it if you'd

165. refrain from gambling in my home.

166. It's an inferior uncultured form of entertainment.

167. - Inferior?

168. I hate to break to you, pal, but accordion-based song parodies

169. aren't exactly the highest form of entertainment, either.

170. - Oh, you miserable, no-good, lousy—

171. - Say, do you think you could keep it down a bit?

172. I'd got this 24-hour flu, and it— Holy smokes,

173. what happened to you wall?

174. - Ask them.

175. - Hey, I know you.

176. You're the guy that crashed into the hood cave last year.

177. - Uh, no that must have been my evil twin.

178. - Why don't you boys go out, and get yourselves

179. a map that isn't 100 years old?

180. - Aw, now wait a second.

181. - Exactly— And look at the horrible way they talk,

182. and track mud, and touch everything.

183. I'm just glad someone else's here to see it.

184. - Easy, Al.

185. Me, Mike, Dave, and Clarence— we

186. had us a real good time in the cave last year.

187. - Yeah, yeah.

188. - You might say, we had a real hood time.

189. - How can you like them?

190. They're— they're uncivilized, and filthy, and crude.

191. - Aww, they're just different.

192. Maybe if you reached out, and got to know them,

193. you might actually learn to appreciate them a little bit.

194. Aw, anywho, you better at least stop fighting.

195. You wake me up again, I'm calling the police.

196. - But—

197. - See, you were being stupid.

198. - Well, maybe there's something we can do without having

199. to talk to each other, or look at each other.

200. I know— TV.

201. - The perfect solution.

202. I love television.

203. Today, on Phil Frye, The Science Guy,

204. Phil teaches us all about grass.

205. - Grass is green.

206. - Grass is green.

207. - Grass is green.

208. - Grass is green.

209. All grass is green.

210. All grass is green.

211. That's Phil Frye, The Science Guy, today at noon.

212. - Uh-oh.

213. - There are certain things we say to each other

214. every day without giving it a second thought.

215. For instance, you see a friend, they say, how's it going?

216. You automatically say fine.

217. But when people stop listening to each other,

218. this breaks down.

219. You've had a hard day.

220. You're distracted, tired.

221. Your friend says, how's it going?

222. You say, not much.

223. You just lost a friend.

224. Words are powerful.

225. Think before you speak.

226. - That's right, stretch it out.

227. Stretch it out.

228. Stretching is very important.

229. - Ah.

230. - OK, ready for our next exercise.

231. Now this one's good for the thighs, the abs, and the uvula.

232. You ready?

233. All right, here we go.

234. And one, and two, and three, and four.

235. And one, and two, and three— Feel the burn.

236. Work it out.

237. Here we go.

238. That's it, that's it.

239. Got milk? - Yeah.

240. Still got milk?

241. - Uh-huh.

242. How about you?

243. Got milk?

244. - Uh-huh.

245. Huh.

246. Got any other milk? - Milk—

247. So how about now?

248. Got milk?

249. You got milk now?

250. Got milk, chump?

251. Don't got so much milk, now, do you?

252. Got milk?

253. - That was fun.

254. - Well, don't you think you should probably—

255. - Oh yeah, yeah, back to work. - Back to work.

256. - Back to work. - Back to work we go.

257. - Yeah, lot of work.

258. Cheese, cheese, something,

259. something, something— I like cheese.

260. It's a—

261. - Hey, can you use some help with that?

262. - Yeah right, from you?

263. - Hi Al.

264. - Hey look, It's Bobby, the inquisitive boy.

265. - Al, I got a question.

266. Where does dirt come from?

267. - I don't know, Bobby.

268. But I can tell you where it goes.

269. Onto them.

270. - But I need to know where it's from.

271. - Well, Bobby that is one of the many mysteries of the universe.

272. But perhaps this short film can help

273. you understand just a little better.

274. Can you imagine a world without dirt?

275. It seems like dirt is everywhere.

276. Chances are, there's dirt somewhere underneath you

277. right now.

278. Many things grow in dirt, like carrots.

279. Carrots are good to eat.

280. But you should never eat dirt.

281. It doesn't taste very good.

282. And you might get dirt on your uvula.

283. Dirt is dirty.

284. So if it gets on you, wash it off right away.

285. Rock are dirty, because they are found in the dirt.

286. And they have dirt on them.

287. Some people like to study rocks.

288. Whatever.

289. But where does dirt come from?

290. Scientists have been trying to answer

291. this question for thousands of years.

292. Most researchers now believe that dirt is actually

293. nothing more than dried up mud.

294. When mud dries up, it becomes dirt.

295. And when dirt gets wet, it becomes mud again.

296. So which came first, dirt or mud?

297. You might as well ask, which came first, water or ice cubes?

298. It remains one of the mysteries of the universe.

299. - There, now that was informative, wasn't it?

300. So does that answer your question, Bobby?

301. - No.

302. - Well, thanks for dropping by.

303. See you later.

304. - Hey pal, we fixed your wall for you.

305. - Yeah, there was a hole in it.

306. - Ouch.

307. - We gotta be getting along now.

308. Sorry for any inconvenience.

309. - Oh, that's all right.

310. It was educational.

311. Well, bye-bye.

312. - Bye.

313. - Al, we got a little problem.

314. Could it to that Al, and the miners

315. have learned to get along?

316. Or will a wall come between them?

317. We'll be right back.

318. Don't you move.

319. Hey, hey, hey, it's time for more of the Weird Al Show.

320. - Well, looks like these clowns are going to be hanging around

321. for a while longer, so no need to put you guys through this.

322. So I'll let you decide.

323. Press the red button if you want to see Brad Pitt

324. mud wrestling with Cindy Crawford.

325. Or press the blue button if you want to see a Fatman cartoon.

326. OK, what's it going to be?

327. Mud wrestling, or a dumb cartoon?

328. What?

329. You wanna see a Fatman cartoon?

330. Oh, what are you people thinking?

331. Well, all right, if that's what you really want.

332. Here's Fatman.

333. The Adventures of Fatman—

334. - This has got to work.

335. This has just gotta work.

336. Come on.

337. Harvey!

338. I can't figure out how to program the VCR.

339. - Oh, I just like you so much.

340. Big fan, big fan—

341. - There, happy now?

342. - Attention, citizens, I am the Slaw Meister.

343. - Oh, great, another supervillain interrupting

344. my regularly scheduled program.

345. - Hey, I read about this guy.

346. He runs the world's largest cole slaw company.

347. And he's nuts.

348. - At this very moment, I hold the world's

349. fate in the palm of my hand.

350. - Wow, the world's fate looks a lot like a potato.

351. - This is actually an ingenious bomb that looks, tastes,

352. and smells exactly like a potato.

353. - Huh.

354. - And you can find them here at the Dingledorf

355. Potato Salad Factory.

356. I've planted enough potato bombs throughout their potato

357. inventory to blow this whole building sky high.

358. Then with potato salad gone, cole slaw

359. will be the world' favorite side dish.

360. It will finally enjoy it's true place in the sun.

361. - Actually, if you put cole slaw in the sun, it'll go bad.

362. - Shut up.

363. Listen, clown, the bombs go off in an hour.

364. And if you think you'll find them in time,

365. you'll have found the wrong thing.

366. - There's not a moment to lose.

367. I've got to go, and get Mr. Cranky

368. a little pick-me-up bouquet. - What?

369. - Oh, pink is nice.

370. - Fatman, come on.

371. We'd got less than an hour.

372. - All the one's I like are so expensive.

373. - You know, I heard the Slaw Meister always leaves

374. a piece of fudge at every crime scene.

375. - Fudge?

376. I love fudge.

377. - Yeah, and you know, I bet it's at the bottom

378. of that potato pile.

379. - There's no time to lose.

380. Slaw, slaw, slaw, slaw, slaw, slaw—

381. - Hmm, where's my whip cream?

382. - Fatman, this is no time for—

383. - Watch out, gang way, rabid hamster.

384. No fudge?

385. Oh, somebody else must have gotten here first.

386. - Yeah, what a shame.

387. Hey, as long as we're here—

388. - Oh, all right.

389. Just going to fly these

390. the bomb's going to explode safely.

391. Back in a sec.

392. - Hey, everybody, look, it's raining hash browns.

393. - Oh, hey, what happened to my plan?

394. Ouch. And what's with this weather?

395. Fatman, I swear I'll destroy you if it

396. takes the rest of my life.

397. And thanks for the bouquet.

398. How do you know I like pink?

399. - I just had a hunch.

400. - And by the way, Fatman, I have to confess.

401. I did fib to you about one little thing.

402. Huh?

403. - Must find fudge. - Oy.

404. - Darn those underground rats— Every time

405. we rig a support cable, they chew through it.

406. - I thought you geniuses knew how to keep them away.

407. - Well, you've got smart rats. - Oh, lucky me.

408. Hey, I got an idea.

409. - What's that?

410. - Nope.

411. - Uh, we're not hungry. - It's not for you.

412. It's for the rats.

413. - Huh?

414. - Well, if you're rat deterrent didn't keep them away,

415. maybe this split pea fudge will?

416. - Well, I'll be darned.

417. It actually cleared the rats away.

418. - We'll be able to finish our work in no time.

419. - Now, if I could only finish this student cheese song,

420. I— Hey, where'd it go?

421. - Say, there, Al, give me an F, would you?

422. Cheese is good.

423. Cheese is nice—

424. In a spread, or by the slice.

425. Cheese for me.

426. - Cheese for you.

427. - Rats love cheese—

428. - And hamsters too.

429. - Hey, hey, let's all do it together.

430. - Come on, guys.

431. Cheese is good.

432. Cheese is nice in a spread, or by the slice.

433. Cheese for me, cheese for you.

434. Rats love cheese, and hamsters, too.

435. Cheese, cheese, cheese.

436. - Aw, that's gonna win a Grammy, for sure.

437. You guys aren't bad.

438. Hey, where'd you learn to sing like that?

439. - Well, we sing all the time when we're in the tunnel.

440. It's sort of our tradition.

441. - Wow.

442. - How'd you learn to get rats go away like that?

443. - Well, making repulsive food is kind of my tradition.

444. - Well, Al, thanks to you, and you're split pea fudge,

445. we finally finished your wall.

446. And thanks to you guys, I was able to finish my cheese song.

447. - I hope we see some royalties.

448. - Thanks a lot, Al. - See ya.

449. - Bye, bye.

450. - When we come back, Harvey, the Wonder Hamster

451. will perform one of his famous stunts—

452. the hamster cannonball.

453. But before that, let's rejoin.

454. The miners and Al have gotten past their differences,

455. and learned to get along.

456. Don't go away.

457. Or you'll regret it for the rest of your life.

458. The Weird Al show is back.

459. Did you miss me?

460. - And now, the moment you've all been

461. waiting for— the hamster cannonball.

462. Ladies and gentlemen, presenting the star of the big top,

463. the one, the only, Harvey, the Wonder Hamster.

464. - All right, Harvey.

465. Great job.

466. You, the hamster.

467. And remember, for all you hamsters out there watching,

468. Harvey is a professionally trained stunt hamster.

469. So please, don't try this at home.

470. So pal, what did we learn today?

471. Well, I for one, learned that dirty, filthy, stinking,

472. disgusting miners really aren't that

473. bad once you get to know them.

474. Plus, I learned that if you want to really fine quality

475. craftsmanship for your cave, you could do a lot worse.

476. Because there's a lot of people out there that—

477. Like a surgeon— ooh, ooh, like a surgeon— When

478. I reach inside with my scalpel, and my forceps,

479. and retractors— oh.

480. Ooh baby, yeah.

481. I can—