1. Today's
lesson is don'tCopy !req
2. make promises you can't keep.Copy !req
3. - Oh, hey, how you doing?Copy !req
4. I'm just, um, hanging out
here with some of my friends.Copy !req
5. Uh, this is my cousin Corky,
and, uh, this of courseCopy !req
6. is Val Brentwood, Gal Spy.Copy !req
7. And I think you already
know my next doorCopy !req
8. neighbor, the Hooded Avenger.Copy !req
9. - Say Al, what would
like to do today?Copy !req
10. Uh, well we could, uh, pour
maple syrup all over the rugCopy !req
11. and then lick it off?Copy !req
12. - Did that yesterday.Copy !req
13. - Or we could, um, watch some TV!Copy !req
14. - Hello boys and girls.Copy !req
15. Welcome back to
"Fred Huggins Show."Copy !req
16. Do you know what
I'd like to do now?Copy !req
17. I can't imagine.Copy !req
18. - I'd like to sing a little song.Copy !req
19. Doesn't that sound
like fun, Baby Boolie?Copy !req
20. - No.Copy !req
21. - Here's one of my favorites.Copy !req
22. It's called "I like you."
- Oh, brother.Copy !req
23. - Hey, didn't we just sing
that song five minutes ago?Copy !req
24. - Yep.Copy !req
25. Oh, I like you.Copy !req
26. Yes, I do.Copy !req
27. And I know you like me too.Copy !req
28. You're my friend
when I feel blue.Copy !req
29. Oh I like you.Copy !req
30. Oh I really really
really like you.Copy !req
31. Yes, I really really
really like you.Copy !req
32. - Please stop.Copy !req
33. - I assure you, father,
our cousin's tardinessCopy !req
34. mystifies me as much as you.Copy !req
35. - He was supposed to be here
for dinner an hour ago.Copy !req
36. Now our food is cold.Copy !req
37. - Oh, you—Copy !req
38. "The French
Prince of Bel-Air."Copy !req
39. Wednesdays at 8:30.Copy !req
40. I'm so angry
at my idiotic barber.Copy !req
41. Think I'll stay in here
till ti grows out a little.Copy !req
42. Got a lousy haircut, a
really stupid haircut.Copy !req
43. What a silly haircut.Copy !req
44. I can't believe this haircut.Copy !req
45. Oh I really really
really really really reallyCopy !req
46. really really really
really really like you.Copy !req
47. - You think he'd
notice if we left?Copy !req
48. - We're puppets.Copy !req
49. How are we going to do that?Copy !req
50. And
in other music news,Copy !req
51. John Tesh continues
to wow audiencesCopy !req
52. on his cross-country tour.Copy !req
53. Last night's sold-out
crowd in Avalon, CaliforniaCopy !req
54. couldn't get enough of the
former "Entertainment Tonight"Copy !req
55. MC's piano stylings.Copy !req
56. - Boy, he is so cool.Copy !req
57. - I think he's dreamy.Copy !req
58. - Very healthy gums.Copy !req
59. Did
I ever tell youCopy !req
60. guys about the time I saw him?
Where?Copy !req
61. - Well one time I was snooping
around the Coffee CornerCopy !req
62. and John Tesh was there.
- No!Copy !req
63. - Really?Copy !req
64. - What did he order?Copy !req
65. - I'm pretty darn sure
it was a mochaccino.Copy !req
66. - Wow.Copy !req
67. - Well, listen to this.Copy !req
68. Last year, John Tesh was signing
books at Burnes and Bards.Copy !req
69. I went down there, got him
to sign my utility belt.Copy !req
70. - Wow!Copy !req
71. Yeah well, big deal
because I know him personally.Copy !req
72. - You know him?Copy !req
73. - Oh yeah, me and Johnny
boy, that's what I call him.Copy !req
74. We go way back.Copy !req
75. We're old friends.
- Yeah?Copy !req
76. Why didn't you ever tell us?Copy !req
77. - Oh, I didn't know
you guys wouldCopy !req
78. think it was such a big deal.Copy !req
79. - Well if you know him, why
don't you invite him over?Copy !req
80. - OK, I will.Copy !req
81. - Yeah, and we can talk to him?Copy !req
82. - Yeah, I think he knows English.Copy !req
83. - I better go get ready!Copy !req
84. Me too!Copy !req
85. - Cool!
- All right-o.Copy !req
86. - OK, thanks for coming over.Copy !req
87. I'll let you guys know
when John Tesh is here.Copy !req
88. Oh, I don't feel
so good, Harvey.Copy !req
89. What do you think?Copy !req
90. Was it the moldy tuna
melt I ate or is itCopy !req
91. the fact that I've never
met John Tesh in my lifeCopy !req
92. and I just promised all my
friends that he'd be here?Copy !req
93. Well, I can't let
my friends down.Copy !req
94. Somehow, whatever it takes, I
gotta get John Tesh over here.Copy !req
95. What was that?Copy !req
96. You hear something?Copy !req
97. GUY BOARDED IN
Hey, Al!Copy !req
98. - Oh, it's the guy
boarded up in the wall.Copy !req
99. I forgot all about him.Copy !req
100. Hey, Guy Boarded Up in
the Wall, don't tell meCopy !req
101. you're a John Tesh fan too.Copy !req
102. Oh, what's this?Copy !req
103. Oh, "The Official Celebrity
Appearance Price List."Copy !req
104. Oh hey, thanks.Copy !req
105. Let's see.Copy !req
106. John Tesh, John Te— $82.00.Copy !req
107. Well, that's a little steep,
but I think I could swing that.Copy !req
108. Zeros.
- What?Copy !req
109. Zeros?Copy !req
110. Oh yeah, look at That.Copy !req
111. 82 zero zero zero.Copy !req
112. I see.Copy !req
113. So that's $82,000!Copy !req
114. $82,000!Copy !req
115. What does he have to do, travel
back in time to get here?Copy !req
116. Where am I going to
get that kind of money?Copy !req
117. Huh?Copy !req
118. "Please have John Tesh
autograph, thanks."Copy !req
119. Well when we come back,
I'll have some kindCopy !req
120. of ingenious fool-proof
money making plan, I betcha.Copy !req
121. What's Al
got up his sleeve?Copy !req
122. Will he keep his promise
to his friends or willCopy !req
123. he continue to lie to them
and why am I shouting?Copy !req
124. Hey, don't go away,Copy !req
125. "The Weird Al Show" will
be back in a minute.Copy !req
126. It's time for more of
"The Weird Al Show."Copy !req
127. - Well, it looks like I've got
to come up with a ton of cashCopy !req
128. in a hurry if I want to keep
my promise to my friendsCopy !req
129. so I thought I'd have a
little bake sale here.Copy !req
130. I've got a delicious
assortment of tastyCopy !req
131. treats all at affordable prices.Copy !req
132. Behold fresh piping
hot goat cheeseCopy !req
133. and arugula brownies,
just $5,000 each.Copy !req
134. Over here you got your fudge
muffins with mustard filling.Copy !req
135. We're giving them away
at $10,000 bucks apiece.Copy !req
136. And just out of the oven,Copy !req
137. Grandma Yankovic's
special pound cake.Copy !req
138. This needs a few
minutes to settle.Copy !req
139. Well the uh, the muffins
just went up to $20,000.Copy !req
140. Now that might sound like
a lot for a baked good,Copy !req
141. but not if you
eat really slowly.Copy !req
142. Excuse me.Copy !req
143. Hello?Copy !req
144. - Hey, Al.Copy !req
145. It's us.Copy !req
146. - We're counting the minutes
till John Tesh gets here.Copy !req
147. - We are so excited!Copy !req
148. Hey,
chief, check it out.Copy !req
149. Not sure if I should go with
gold on red or purple on red.Copy !req
150. - Oh, you made the right call.
- Number one!Copy !req
151. - Oh, you're the best, Al.Copy !req
152. - Bye bye.Copy !req
153. - Bye.Copy !req
154. - See you.Copy !req
155. Oh boy.Copy !req
156. - Al, it's Madame Judy.Copy !req
157. - Hey, it's my old friend
Madame Judy the psychic.Copy !req
158. Oh, I am so glad you're here.Copy !req
159. Hey, you want to buy some goat
cheese and arugula brownies?Copy !req
160. They're only $20,000 each.Copy !req
161. - Hmm, I'll take one for $0.50.Copy !req
162. - Meet you halfway, $8,000.Copy !req
163. - Uh, no.Copy !req
164. - Madame Judy, I got
to level with you.Copy !req
165. I'm in hot water.Copy !req
166. I need $82,000 pronto to
get John Tesh over here.Copy !req
167. - Shh.Copy !req
168. I sense that you need a
lot of money very quickly.Copy !req
169. I sense that you do
not have the money.Copy !req
170. I sense that you have
run out of hand cream.Copy !req
171. - That's incredible.Copy !req
172. - Why don't you do
what Madame Judy doesCopy !req
173. when she needs to
make a quick buck?Copy !req
174. - What's that?Copy !req
175. - Oh, look into my crystal ball.Copy !req
176. Come closer.Copy !req
177. Come closer little oinklets.Copy !req
178. No, not that close.Copy !req
179. Oh, I'm Madame Judy,
your psychic gal pal.Copy !req
180. Do you desire wealth,
fame, and corn dogs?Copy !req
181. Of course you do, trolls.Copy !req
182. Only I, Madame Judy, can unlock
the secrets to your future.Copy !req
183. Watch.Copy !req
184. - Madame Judy told me I was going
to meet the man of my dreamsCopy !req
185. and I did.Copy !req
186. - Madame Judy told me I was going
to eat something and I did.Copy !req
187. - Madame Judy predicted
I'd have a big old bucketCopy !req
188. of oatmeal dumped all my head.Copy !req
189. Well, it hasn't happened yet.Copy !req
190. Forgive me for doubting
you, Madame Judy.Copy !req
191. - Whoo.Copy !req
192. So you see, little kumquats,
only I, Madame Judy,Copy !req
193. can see your future.Copy !req
194. I can see it, but I cannot tell
it, no, not until you call me.Copy !req
195. Oh, do not deny yourselves,
little cupcakes.Copy !req
196. Call Madame Judy now.Copy !req
197. Madame Judy.Copy !req
198. Madame Judy.Copy !req
199. - But Madame Judy, I I
already am consulting you.Copy !req
200. - You miss the point.Copy !req
201. You should do your
own infomercial.Copy !req
202. - But Madame Judy,
I'm not a psychic.Copy !req
203. - Duh, grow a clue.Copy !req
204. Do whatever kind you
want, just do one.Copy !req
205. Make the money off
the infomercial.Copy !req
206. Got it?Copy !req
207. Oh, I have foreseen it.Copy !req
208. - I I just don't know
if I'd feel comfortableCopy !req
209. selling out like that.
I mean—Copy !req
210. - Look again into
the crystal ball.Copy !req
211. Hey, it's those guys
that are always selling stuffCopy !req
212. on TV, Ron Popeil
and Tony Little.Copy !req
213. - Al, you got to
do an infomercial.Copy !req
214. - Come on, Al, be like us.Copy !req
215. - It's the only way
you're going to keepCopy !req
216. your promise to your friends.Copy !req
217. - You've got the power, Al!Copy !req
218. Don't let us down!Copy !req
219. - All right, let's do it!Copy !req
220. - Welcome, welcome.Copy !req
221. I'm Mike Levy and welcome to
"Unbelievable Discoveries."Copy !req
222. I'm here with Al Yankovic.Copy !req
223. Al, what do you
have there today?Copy !req
224. - Well Mike, I'm wearing
these ear magnets,Copy !req
225. and boy do I feel great.Copy !req
226. Ah.Copy !req
227. - Well, what do they do?Copy !req
228. - Well ear magnets increase your
listening skills by up to 30%Copy !req
229. Ah.
Or I'm not Weird Al Ear-o-vic.Copy !req
230. Call now.Copy !req
231. Operators are standing by.Copy !req
232. - Ow ow ow ow ow ow.Copy !req
233. - Say Mike, what's wrong?Copy !req
234. - I'm sorry, Al.Copy !req
235. I must've tied my
shoelaces too tight.Copy !req
236. - Well that would
never happen if youCopy !req
237. had a Yanko shoelace
tying gauge.Copy !req
238. The gauge
scientifically monitorsCopy !req
239. the tension in your shoelaces.Copy !req
240. As soon as you
make them too tightCopy !req
241. You'll know.Copy !req
242. Ooh.Copy !req
243. So what
you're saying,Copy !req
244. Al, is while I'm tying my
shoes, the buzzer will go off,Copy !req
245. and then I'll know I've
tied them tight enough.Copy !req
246. This is great.Copy !req
247. - Hey, this guy learns quick.Copy !req
248. - Can I use it for
my baseball glove?Copy !req
249. Awe.
- No, Rusty.Copy !req
250. But your mom and dad
will 1,001 uses for it,Copy !req
251. or my name's no Weird
Al Shoelace-o-vic.Copy !req
252. And no here's Mike Levy
with some more great offers.Copy !req
253. - Thank you, Al.Copy !req
254. We've got so much great stuff, I
don't even know where to begin.Copy !req
255. How about the supersonic
gut-icizer, whichCopy !req
256. for a limited time only
comes with Al's face on it.Copy !req
257. Ah.Copy !req
258. Al, this next one I'm
on cloud nine about.Copy !req
259. It's called the Amazing
Four-Tined Food Stabber.Copy !req
260. This little item has a
number of practical usesCopy !req
261. and goes great in your kitchen,
along with a knife and spoon.Copy !req
262. The Amazing Four-Tined
Food Stabber really works.Copy !req
263. I use it and you can too.Copy !req
264. Hey,
are we impressed?Copy !req
265. - Can I ask you something?Copy !req
266. - Sure.Copy !req
267. - Do all of these
products really work?Copy !req
268. - Of course they do.Copy !req
269. You have my promise.Copy !req
270. - If they don't work, can
we get our money back?Copy !req
271. - That's the Weird Al promise.Copy !req
272. - Al, you've been a great guest.Copy !req
273. Thank you very much
and congratulations.Copy !req
274. It's official.Copy !req
275. You've just made
yourself $82,000.Copy !req
276. - I want to thank everyone
for helping me out today.Copy !req
277. Really, you've all
been just great.Copy !req
278. Now everybody out!Copy !req
279. Come on, show's over.
Let's go!Copy !req
280. Scram!
Move it!Copy !req
281. Move it!
Move it!Copy !req
282. Move it!
Get out!Copy !req
283. It looks like Al may
be able to keep his promiseCopy !req
284. after all, but can he
afford to pay the price?Copy !req
285. Hmm.Copy !req
286. We'll be right back.Copy !req
287. Don't you move!Copy !req
288. "The Weird Al Show" is back!Copy !req
289. Did you miss me?Copy !req
290. - Yep, it's all here,
82,000 buckaroonies.Copy !req
291. Gee Harvey, that was
easier than I thought.Copy !req
292. Well, now I can just
pick up the phoneCopy !req
293. and have them send
John Tesh right over.Copy !req
294. Oh, my friends are
going to go nuts!Copy !req
295. But first it's time forCopy !req
296. Al's mail bag, that's right.Copy !req
297. Well, let's see what's in
the old mail bag this week.Copy !req
298. Wow, look at all these letters.Copy !req
299. Must be fan mail from all
my satisfied customers.Copy !req
300. "Dear Al, I bought your
crummy ear magnets.Copy !req
301. I can't believe
you sell such junk.Copy !req
302. You should be
ashamed of yourself.Copy !req
303. I want my money back."Copy !req
304. Signed a former fan.Copy !req
305. Well, there's one
in every group.Copy !req
306. Let's see.Copy !req
307. "Dear Al, your
Supersonic Gut-icizerCopy !req
308. is a piece of garbage.Copy !req
309. Please send me a
refund, thanks."Copy !req
310. Probably the same guy.Copy !req
311. "Dear Al, I have never
felt so ripped offCopy !req
312. as when I bought your Amazing
Four-Tined Food Stabber."Copy !req
313. Oh no.Copy !req
314. Oh, this is terrible.Copy !req
315. What have I done?Copy !req
316. Citizens of the
world, if you boughtCopy !req
317. any of these fine products
and are dissatisfied,Copy !req
318. you can come to my cave
right now for a full refund.Copy !req
319. That's the Weird Al pr—Copy !req
320. OK.Copy !req
321. Hi, sorry.Copy !req
322. The your go.Copy !req
323. There you go.Copy !req
324. All right, sorry.Copy !req
325. Uh, well, looks like this
might take a little while, so,Copy !req
326. uh, in the meantime why
don't you watch this?Copy !req
327. The
Adventures of Fat Man!Copy !req
328. - Two more crullers, please.Copy !req
329. - Two crullers, coming right up.Copy !req
330. Attention all units,Copy !req
331. code red situation at
the ice cream warehouse.Copy !req
332. Refrigeration system is
malfunctioning and meltingCopy !req
333. ice cream is threatening
to flood the city.Copy !req
334. - Gee, sure wish Fatman was here.Copy !req
335. - Hmm, sounds like the work
of my Evil Uncle Frank.Copy !req
336. Huh?Copy !req
337. - Uh, nothing.Copy !req
338. Uh, I um, I'll be right back.Copy !req
339. Due to rare
glandular problem,Copy !req
340. an ordinary jelly-filled glazed
donut turns mild-mannered DonutCopy !req
341. World employee,
Al Yankovic, intoCopy !req
342. the crime-fighting
superhero known as Fatman!Copy !req
343. - Come on, Harvey.Copy !req
344. It's evil fighting time.Copy !req
345. - I got you back, Fatman.Copy !req
346. Meanwhile, in a secret
location high above the city,Copy !req
347. the Evil Uncle Frank and
his longtime accomplice,Copy !req
348. the Procrastinator continue
with their dastardly plan.Copy !req
349. - Yes, soon
the entire townCopy !req
350. will be covered in ice-cream.Copy !req
351. And then, with the help of our
ice-cream proof scuba gear,Copy !req
352. anything we want will be ours.Copy !req
353. Yeah, Procrastinator,
have we disabledCopy !req
354. all of the refrigerators yet?Copy !req
355. - Almost.Copy !req
356. - Almost?Copy !req
357. What are you waiting for?Copy !req
358. - Hold on a sec.Copy !req
359. There, I got one of
the sides to match up.Copy !req
360. - Yeah, yeah that's good, yeah.Copy !req
361. Very nice, yeah.Copy !req
362. Now can we get to work?Copy !req
363. - Boy, if only there
was a giant whoCopy !req
364. could come and eat
all that ice-cream.Copy !req
365. Then we'd be saved.Copy !req
366. - Wait a minute, of
course, it's so obvious.Copy !req
367. I'll just go to every
single grocery store in townCopy !req
368. and buy all the ice
then bring it back here.Copy !req
369. That ought to stop the melting.Copy !req
370. - Oh, but if you just—Copy !req
371. No time to talk
now, my furry little friend.Copy !req
372. I'm off to the grocery store.
- Oy.Copy !req
373. - Would you shut off the
last refrigerator already?Copy !req
374. All right, fine.Copy !req
375. - Now!Copy !req
376. - Geez, have a cow.Copy !req
377. OK.Copy !req
378. - It's no use.Copy !req
379. Whoa, the city is doomed.Copy !req
380. Oh, the humanity.Copy !req
381. The humanity!Copy !req
382. - Hold on, citizens.Copy !req
383. I'm coming.Copy !req
384. - Hey, where's my crullers?Copy !req
385. - The ice-cream's gone.Copy !req
386. - Oh.Copy !req
387. - He at all the ice-cream.Copy !req
388. - We're saved!Copy !req
389. - Harvey, it's me, Fatman.Copy !req
390. Can you hear me?Copy !req
391. - Oh, I think I froze my brain.Copy !req
392. Oh
would you look at that?Copy !req
393. My fat freak nephew
has completelyCopy !req
394. ruined my plan for
world domination.Copy !req
395. - That's a shame.Copy !req
396. - And it's all your
fault, you moron?Copy !req
397. You're totally worthless.Copy !req
398. - Fine, be that way.Copy !req
399. You know, you don't even
deserve world domination.Copy !req
400. I'm out of here.Copy !req
401. - Good riddance.Copy !req
402. Who need you anyway?Copy !req
403. Yeah.Copy !req
404. Wait a second, I don't
know how to fly this thing.Copy !req
405. - Oh boy, that's smart.Copy !req
406. - Well pal, we did it.Copy !req
407. We saved the day once again.Copy !req
408. - Oh, we did, huh?Copy !req
409. - Hey Fatman, what are you
doing with all that ice?Copy !req
410. - Uh,Copy !req
411. Snow cones for everybody!Copy !req
412. - And believe it or not
kids, that was a true story.Copy !req
413. - Hey, Al.Copy !req
414. What's going on?Copy !req
415. - Oh, uh, some of my customers
want their money back.Copy !req
416. Well actually, all of them.Copy !req
417. I was just trying to
make money as fast as ICopy !req
418. could so that I
could book John Tesh.Copy !req
419. - Book him?Copy !req
420. Is that like slang
for hang out with him?Copy !req
421. - Wait a minute, you
don't even know him.Copy !req
422. - Uh, I'm sure I
know him somehow.Copy !req
423. You know, like six
degrees of separation.Copy !req
424. - You had us all excited.Copy !req
425. - What a rip.Copy !req
426. - Now ladies, don't
be too hard on Al.Copy !req
427. I'm sure that in his own
immature and ignorant way,Copy !req
428. he was just trying
to make us all happy.Copy !req
429. - Yeah.Copy !req
430. - Yeah well, thanks
for trying, Al.Copy !req
431. Yeah,
I'm sure you meant well.Copy !req
432. - Thanks guys.Copy !req
433. I I wish there was some way
I could make it up to you.Copy !req
434. - Well, my hood cycle
could use a good waxing.Copy !req
435. - Yeah, and I could really
use a new pair of spy boots.Copy !req
436. - And there's this
really adorableCopy !req
437. dress I've had my eye on.Copy !req
438. - Uh, OK.Copy !req
439. - Oh thanks, Al.Copy !req
440. - Yeah.Copy !req
441. Send you the bill.Copy !req
442. - Well maybe next time I try
to raise money I won't—Copy !req
443. - Hey Yankovic, I bought your
lousy shoelace tying gauge.Copy !req
444. It cut off the
circulation in my feet.Copy !req
445. I'm lucky I can still walk.Copy !req
446. - Yeah well, I'm sorry.Copy !req
447. - I'm sorry.Copy !req
448. This is the biggest piece of
junk I've ever seen in my like.Copy !req
449. What a ripoff.Copy !req
450. How do you sleep at night?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
451. Well, um, here's
your money back.Copy !req
452. Thanks a lot.
See you, bye.Copy !req
453. - You're a disgrace.Copy !req
454. - Yeah, run along now.Copy !req
455. We'll be right back.Copy !req
456. or you'll regret it for
the rest of your life.Copy !req
457. And now, the
spine-tingling conclusionCopy !req
458. of "The Weird Al Show."Copy !req
459. - Well I guess I learned a few
valuable lessons here today.Copy !req
460. One, I shouldn't make any
promises I can't keep.Copy !req
461. And two, I should never
ever do another oneCopy !req
462. of those lousy infomercials.Copy !req
463. I mean,
what was I thinking.Copy !req
464. - That boy was our only hope.Copy !req
465. - No, there is another.Copy !req