1. Oh, this is the
story about a guy named Al,Copy !req
2. and he lived in a sewer
with his hamster pal.Copy !req
3. But the sanitation workers
really didn't approve,Copy !req
4. so he packed up his
accordion and hadCopy !req
5. to move to a city in Ohio,
where he lived in a tree,Copy !req
6. and he worked in a nasal
decongestant factory.Copy !req
7. And he played on the
company bowling team,Copy !req
8. and every single night he had
a strange, recurring dreamCopy !req
9. where he was wearing lederhosen
in a vat of sour cream.Copy !req
10. But that's really not
important to the story.Copy !req
11. Well, the very next year
he met a dental hygienistCopy !req
12. with a spatula tattooed
on her arm— on her arm!Copy !req
13. But he didn't keep in touch,
and he lost her number.Copy !req
14. Then he got himself a
job on a tater tot farm.Copy !req
15. And he spent his life
savings on a split-level caveCopy !req
16. 20 miles below the surface
of the Earth— of the Earth!Copy !req
17. And he really makes a mighty
fine jelly bean and pickleCopy !req
18. sandwich, for what it's worth!Copy !req
19. Then one day, Al
was in the forest,Copy !req
20. trying to get a tan, when
he heard the torturedCopy !req
21. screaming of a funny little man.Copy !req
22. He was caught in a bear
trap, and Al set him free.Copy !req
23. And the guy that he rescued
was grateful as could be,Copy !req
24. and it turns out he's a
big shot producer on TV.Copy !req
25. So he gave Al a contract,
and what do you know?Copy !req
26. Now he's got his very
own Weird Al Show!Copy !req
27. Yeah, yeah!Copy !req
28. Yeah, yeah!Copy !req
29. Yeah, yeah!Copy !req
30. Today's lesson
is, whenever you'reCopy !req
31. in any type of competition, it's
always important to play fair.Copy !req
32. - Oh, hi there.Copy !req
33. I'm just getting my fortune told
by Madame Judy, the psychic.Copy !req
34. This'll just take a sec.Copy !req
35. - Shh!Copy !req
36. Madame Judy demands quiet!Copy !req
37. I will now predict the present.Copy !req
38. - The present?
- Quiet!Copy !req
39. Madame Judy must concentrate.Copy !req
40. Oh, oh.Copy !req
41. I see that you are
wearing a green shirt.Copy !req
42. - Um.Copy !req
43. No.Copy !req
44. - Wait, Al.Copy !req
45. Laying on of hands.Copy !req
46. Ooh, ooh!Copy !req
47. Nng!Copy !req
48. - Look, can't you just tell
me something about my future?Copy !req
49. - No details, only
cryptic warnings.Copy !req
50. - OK, fine.Copy !req
51. Hit me with a cryptic warning.Copy !req
52. - Oh, ooh.Copy !req
53. Oh, beware, beware, beware
of toads who don't play fair.Copy !req
54. - That's it?Copy !req
55. - No.Copy !req
56. Five bucks, please.Copy !req
57. Ooh, I now predict that
Madame Judy is leaving you.Copy !req
58. Oh!Copy !req
59. Goodbye, goodbye!Copy !req
60. - Goodbye.Copy !req
61. Wow, for once, she
was actually right.Copy !req
62. Well anyway, I can tell by
the old clock on the wallCopy !req
63. that once again, it's time for—Copy !req
64. Al's mailbag, that's right.Copy !req
65. Well, let's see what our
viewers have to say this week.Copy !req
66. Ah.Copy !req
67. Let's see.Copy !req
68. Oh, got a letter here from Mindy
Groatlution in Omaha, Nebraska.Copy !req
69. And Mindy writes— oh, it's an
answer to our trivia question.Copy !req
70. The question was,
what's the differenceCopy !req
71. between a machine
gun and Kenny G?Copy !req
72. Let's see if she got it.Copy !req
73. Yes, a machine gun only
repeats itself 30 times.Copy !req
74. Congratulations, Mindy.Copy !req
75. You win my undying respect.Copy !req
76. OK, next letter is—Copy !req
77. Thank you.Copy !req
78. Wow, special delivery.Copy !req
79. OK, uh— wow!Copy !req
80. Can you believe it?
Harvey, look at this.Copy !req
81. Oh, I've been nominated for
the best TV show host award.Copy !req
82. Oh, isn't this great?Copy !req
83. This is so cool.Copy !req
84. I probably won't win, but it's
an honor just to be nominated,Copy !req
85. right?Copy !req
86. Did you hear something?Copy !req
87. Hey, Al.Copy !req
88. - Oh, it's the guy
boarded up in the walls.Copy !req
89. Excuse me, Harvey.
My public wants me.Copy !req
90. My public wants me.
Hey, Guy Boarded up in the Wall.Copy !req
91. What's going on?
Uh.Copy !req
92. Can you do me a big favor?Copy !req
93. - A favor?
Sure.Copy !req
94. You want an autograph?Copy !req
95. A lock of my hair?Copy !req
96. Bag of my toenail clippings?Copy !req
97. Uh, no.Copy !req
98. Could you turn on the TV?Copy !req
99. I'm missing "The
Fred Huggins Show."Copy !req
100. - Fred Huggins?Copy !req
101. Eugh.Copy !req
102. Well, OK.
Thanks.Copy !req
103. - Because it really
doesn't matter if you'reCopy !req
104. blue or red or green or
yellow, we can all be friends.Copy !req
105. Right, Papa Booli?Copy !req
106. - Yeah, whatever.Copy !req
107. - I think his medication's
starting to wear off.Copy !req
108. - All righty.Copy !req
109. Hello, boys and girls.Copy !req
110. I'm Fred Huggins, and this
is "The Fred Huggins Show."Copy !req
111. - Imagine that.Copy !req
112. - Well, why don't we
all get comfortableCopy !req
113. and take off some of
these heavy clothes?Copy !req
114. - What?
- What?Copy !req
115. - I'll start with my
little shoesy-woosies.Copy !req
116. - Oh, no.Copy !req
117. Anything but that—Copy !req
118. - No, please!Copy !req
119. Stop!Copy !req
120. For the love of—Copy !req
121. - Ahh, that's better, isn't it?Copy !req
122. - (SIGHING) Fred
Huggins, what a joke.Copy !req
123. Let's see what else is on.Copy !req
124. - I want you all to
just shake it out.Copy !req
125. That's right, shake it out.Copy !req
126. Get yourself all limber
and loosey-goosey.Copy !req
127. That's right.Copy !req
128. I said shake it out!Copy !req
129. Ahh, that's right.Copy !req
130. You don't want to be
exercising too soon too fast,Copy !req
131. or you're liable to drain
your uvula, or something.Copy !req
132. - Wolf raised by pack
of human babies.Copy !req
133. Film at 11.Copy !req
134. - Shake it out!Copy !req
135. Shake it out!Copy !req
136. There we go.Copy !req
137. Shake it out, shake it out!Copy !req
138. - We're back with "The
Uncle Ralphie Show."Copy !req
139. Aren't we having the
time of our lives?Copy !req
140. Heh.Copy !req
141. - Mip-mip.Copy !req
142. - Pipe down, Mippy.Copy !req
143. On a slightly more
serious note, ICopy !req
144. would like to thank all
of my wonderful fansCopy !req
145. for nominating me for
best TV show host.Copy !req
146. When I win that award—
and I will win—Copy !req
147. I want you to remember that
I never couldn't have done itCopy !req
148. without the help of
all the little peopleCopy !req
149. that I had to step on
to get where I am today.Copy !req
150. Well, why don't we
go to the phones?Copy !req
151. Uncle Ralphie Show,
you're on the air.Copy !req
152. AL (ON PHONE): Hi, I'm
a first-time caller.Copy !req
153. - Yes.Copy !req
154. You have a question?Copy !req
155. AL (ON PHONE): Well, um.Copy !req
156. You seem to be pretty sure
you're going to win that away.Copy !req
157. - Yeah, well, why wouldn't I?Copy !req
158. Heh heh.Copy !req
159. - Uh, I think there are
some other wonderful TVCopy !req
160. show hosts out there that have
a good chance of winning, too.Copy !req
161. - Yeah, right.Copy !req
162. Like that loser Weird Al?Copy !req
163. - I am not a loser!Copy !req
164. - You!Copy !req
165. Oh, I get it.Copy !req
166. You're trying to
sabotage my show.Copy !req
167. That's not fair!Copy !req
168. - I never— I was merely pointing
out that you haven't won yet.Copy !req
169. - Well, I will!Copy !req
170. I'm going to be number one!Copy !req
171. - No, I'm going to be number one!Copy !req
172. - No, me!Copy !req
173. - Me, me!Copy !req
174. - (BOTH TOGETHER) Me,
me, me, me, me, me, me!Copy !req
175. - You're going to be sorry
you ever messed with me.Copy !req
176. Two can play at this game.Copy !req
177. - What's that supposed to mean?Copy !req
178. If only Val Brentwood,
Gal Spy, were here.Copy !req
179. Val!
Where'd you come from?Copy !req
180. - Can't say, secret spy stuff.Copy !req
181. Huh!Copy !req
182. So, what's up?Copy !req
183. - I want you to keep an
eye on Uncle Ralphie.Copy !req
184. You know, get some
inside info on him.Copy !req
185. I think he's liable
to pull something.Copy !req
186. - You got it, Al.Copy !req
187. - Oh, and another thing,
I— oh, she's good.Copy !req
188. Anyway, I'm probably
just being paranoid.Copy !req
189. I mean, I'm sure Uncle
Ralphie wouldn't—Copy !req
190. - Very funny, Uncle
Ralphie, ha ha ha.Copy !req
191. Good joke.Copy !req
192. What?Copy !req
193. "Harvey is mediocre"?Copy !req
194. Nobody says that about my pal!
That's it.Copy !req
195. This is war.Copy !req
196. You're going down,
Uncle Ralphie.Copy !req
197. A ha ha ha!Copy !req
198. We'll be right back.Copy !req
199. That marching band
has Al playing an angry tune.Copy !req
200. But is destroying
the competitionCopy !req
201. really the best way to win?Copy !req
202. Don't go away,
we'll be right back!Copy !req
203. Can you believe it? "The
Weird Al Show" is back!Copy !req
204. - Wow.Copy !req
205. Who doesn't love a
good marching band?Copy !req
206. Nobody.Copy !req
207. Except maybe that
loser, Weird Al.Copy !req
208. Bullseye!Copy !req
209. And now, two very
special treats.Copy !req
210. First, butter popcorn
for everybody.Copy !req
211. Here's the popcorn.Copy !req
212. And here's the butter.Copy !req
213. - And now for the real treat.Copy !req
214. Please welcome an
act so special,Copy !req
215. they would only
agree to do my show.Copy !req
216. Here they are, Radish.Copy !req
217. - Ha!Copy !req
218. Look at that, Harvey.Copy !req
219. They're a no-show.Copy !req
220. They canceled on him.Copy !req
221. Ahh, that's beautiful.Copy !req
222. - Gee, wonder why they'd go
and do a thing like that.Copy !req
223. - Radish?Copy !req
224. What are you guys doing here?Copy !req
225. Val, what did you do?Copy !req
226. - No no, don't you look
at me like that, Al.Copy !req
227. This is war.Copy !req
228. Remember?Copy !req
229. - Yeah, I guess you're right.Copy !req
230. So, Radish, what song will you
be performing on my show today?Copy !req
231. - You're crazy.Copy !req
232. - Oh, come on.Copy !req
233. Sing a song.Copy !req
234. Please?Copy !req
235. - You're completely
out of your mind.Copy !req
236. - Pretty please?Copy !req
237. - We're not doing
your stupid show.Copy !req
238. You kidnapped us.Copy !req
239. - I see, I see.Copy !req
240. Well, then maybe
you'd like to watchCopy !req
241. "The Collected Works
of Pauly Shore"?Copy !req
242. - (ALL TOGETHER) No!Copy !req
243. - Any particular song
you want to hear?Copy !req
244. - Oh, surprise me.Copy !req
245. - (SINGING) Barefoot in the sand,
wishing God would lend a hand.Copy !req
246. Wave after wave
comes crashing down,Copy !req
247. washing away a
little more ground.Copy !req
248. Seems to me that's
how all things are.Copy !req
249. I'm giving and taking
little pink stars.Copy !req
250. I want the world to
know that you're mine.Copy !req
251. I want to touch you.Copy !req
252. I want the world to
know that you're mine,Copy !req
253. I want to feel you
from the inside.Copy !req
254. I want the world to
know that you're mine,Copy !req
255. I want to touch you.Copy !req
256. I want the world to
know that you're mine.Copy !req
257. Walking along with the ocean
at my heels, loving the wayCopy !req
258. the water feels.Copy !req
259. Up in the sky, something
catches my eye.Copy !req
260. It's bright as a star
in the northern sky.Copy !req
261. Seems to me that's
how all things are.Copy !req
262. I'm giving and taking
little pink stars.Copy !req
263. Yeah!Copy !req
264. I want the world to
know that you're mine,Copy !req
265. I want to touch you.Copy !req
266. Yeah, yeah, I want the world
to know that you're mine.Copy !req
267. I want to feel you
from the inside.Copy !req
268. I want the world to
know that you're mine,Copy !req
269. I want to touch you.Copy !req
270. I want the world to
know that you're mine,Copy !req
271. I want to touch you.Copy !req
272. I want to!Copy !req
273. Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
274. Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
275. Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
276. - Hey, Al.Copy !req
277. They're getting away.Copy !req
278. - Eh, don't worry about it.Copy !req
279. - Hey, kids.Copy !req
280. I'm Weird Ralph.
Heh heh heh.Copy !req
281. - What are they doing?Copy !req
282. - And now, here's
everyone's favorite rodent,Copy !req
283. my very, very best friend
in the whole world,Copy !req
284. Marvin the Super Guinea Pig!Copy !req
285. - How awful!Copy !req
286. How heartless!Copy !req
287. How could anyone
sink so low as to doCopy !req
288. a parody of another human being?Copy !req
289. And making a guinea pig
wear blue after Labor Day?Copy !req
290. What is he thinking?
- Hey, Al.Copy !req
291. Have you seen Weird Ralph?Copy !req
292. This guy's a hoot.Copy !req
293. - I'll do anything to win
that best TV show host award.Copy !req
294. Any advice?Copy !req
295. - Yes.Copy !req
296. If you're going to compete
with Uncle Ralphie, play fair.Copy !req
297. The important thing is you just
do the best show you can do.Copy !req
298. - Hey, I've got it!Copy !req
299. How about if I get a
bunch of plastic surgeryCopy !req
300. and change my looks?Copy !req
301. - Um, yeah.Copy !req
302. That would have been
my second choice.Copy !req
303. - Well, it's a good thing
my brand new invention isCopy !req
304. an instant plastic
surgery machine.Copy !req
305. Ah, I knew this thing would
come in handy in a pinch.Copy !req
306. Let's give it a shot.Copy !req
307. - Where's that mirror?Copy !req
308. Oh, no!Copy !req
309. What have I done?Copy !req
310. Gah!Copy !req
311. Whew.Copy !req
312. That was scary.Copy !req
313. Hey, where'd this
package come from?Copy !req
314. - Uh, some suspicious-looking
clown snuck in hereCopy !req
315. and set it on the table
real careful-like.Copy !req
316. - Wow, package from a clown?Copy !req
317. How cool is that?
Wow!Copy !req
318. Giant wax lips, just
what I always wanted!Copy !req
319. And they're— ticking?Copy !req
320. Oh, no!Copy !req
321. Lip bomb!Copy !req
322. Don't go away.Copy !req
323. We'll be right back.Copy !req
324. That's
the last time AlCopy !req
325. takes any lip from
Uncle Ralphie.Copy !req
326. But will Uncle Ralphie's dirty
tricks blow up in his face?Copy !req
327. Hold your horses,
we'll be right back!Copy !req
328. All right, "The Weird
Al Show" is back!Copy !req
329. - Uncle Ralphie's
gone way too far.Copy !req
330. If he's not going to play
fair, then neither am I!Copy !req
331. Val?Copy !req
332. I'm going to ask
you to do something.Copy !req
333. And I don't want to
hear an argument.Copy !req
334. Execute secret plan 7B.Copy !req
335. - Not 7B?Copy !req
336. - Yes, 7B.Copy !req
337. - I can't.Copy !req
338. - You must.
- But I can't.Copy !req
339. - You must.
- No I can't.Copy !req
340. You never told me what it was.Copy !req
341. - Oh.Copy !req
342. - Got it.Copy !req
343. Wheezer Boy, this
is Mother Hubbard.Copy !req
344. Release the poodles.Copy !req
345. - I need absolute silence.Copy !req
346. This requires the
utmost concentration.Copy !req
347. We sure don't want any
miscalculations now,Copy !req
348. do we, Mippy?Copy !req
349. - That's right, because even
the slightest distraction—Copy !req
350. Oh, no!Copy !req
351. No, down!Copy !req
352. No, stop!Copy !req
353. - Oh, that's a good one.Copy !req
354. You know, all this espionage
is making me kind of hungry.Copy !req
355. Think I'll pop
out to the kitchenCopy !req
356. for a little nutrition break.Copy !req
357. Care to join me, Val?Copy !req
358. Val?Copy !req
359. Eh, she's a slippery
one, all right.Copy !req
360. Anyway.Copy !req
361. Here's one of my
favorite recipes.Copy !req
362. First, take a raw potato.Copy !req
363. Don't wash it!Copy !req
364. Next, it in half
with a blunt knife.Copy !req
365. Then sprinkle liberally
with gummy worms.Copy !req
366. And finally, top with your
favorite brand of India ink.Copy !req
367. Mmm, now that's good eating.Copy !req
368. - Ugh!Copy !req
369. Somebody switched my
favorite brand of inkCopy !req
370. with my very least
favorite brand of ink!Copy !req
371. Who could have done such a
horrible, despicable thing?Copy !req
372. Uncle Ralphie!Copy !req
373. Al, Al, Al!
- What?Copy !req
374. What is it?Copy !req
375. Can't you see I'm busy
plotting annihilationCopy !req
376. of a fellow TV show host?Copy !req
377. The
award show is on.Copy !req
378. - What award show?Copy !req
379. And
you're not there.Copy !req
380. - Oh, man.
You're right.Copy !req
381. I got so wrapped up in this
whole Uncle Ralphie thing,Copy !req
382. I forgot all about it.Copy !req
383. - Thank you.Copy !req
384. And now, without
further ado, the momentCopy !req
385. you've all been waiting for.Copy !req
386. May I have the envelope, please?Copy !req
387. Thank you.Copy !req
388. And now, the winner
of the best TVCopy !req
389. show host award goes to— but
before I announce the winner,Copy !req
390. I just want to say something.Copy !req
391. Every day in our country,
thousands of our youngstersCopy !req
392. go to amusement
parks and arcadesCopy !req
393. and play a supposedly innocent
game called Whack-a-Squirrel.Copy !req
394. Well, I personally
don't find anythingCopy !req
395. cute, charming, or "fun" about
a game that openly encouragesCopy !req
396. abuse and violence towards
our furry rodent friends.Copy !req
397. So please, stop the insanity.Copy !req
398. Thank you.Copy !req
399. Now, where was I. Oh, yes.Copy !req
400. The winner of the best
TV show host award is—Copy !req
401. - Me, me, me, me!Copy !req
402. Me!Copy !req
403. - Me, please, me, me me me!Copy !req
404. - Me, me!
Me, me!Copy !req
405. Me!Copy !req
406. - Me, please!Copy !req
407. Me!Copy !req
408. - The guy who played fair
and square, Fred Huggins!Copy !req
409. - What?Copy !req
410. - What!
- What!Copy !req
411. - I can't believe I won!Copy !req
412. - Neither can we!Copy !req
413. - The only thing that
makes winning even betterCopy !req
414. is that my two best
friends in the worldCopy !req
415. are here to share it with me.Copy !req
416. - Guess again, you freak!Copy !req
417. - I want to go home.Copy !req
418. - I just want to say, this is
the proudest moment of my life.Copy !req
419. Because now I know you like me.Copy !req
420. You really— waugh!Copy !req
421. - I blame you, Mippy.Copy !req
422. - Mip-mip, mip-mip.Copy !req
423. - What it'll be first?Copy !req
424. "Encino Man" or "Jury Duty"?Copy !req
425. - You know, it's real whack
you didn't win that award, Al.Copy !req
426. - Well, Fred Huggins
is pretty lame,Copy !req
427. but at least he
played by the rules.Copy !req
428. I've just been
spending all my timeCopy !req
429. trying to destroy Uncle Ralphie.Copy !req
430. Well, you just wait.Copy !req
431. Next year, I'll beat everybody.Copy !req
432. But I'll do it fair and
square, on the level,Copy !req
433. straight as an arrow,
by making my showCopy !req
434. the very best it can be.Copy !req
435. And I know exactly how
I'm going to do it!Copy !req
436. Don't
go away, or you'llCopy !req
437. regret it for the
rest of your life!Copy !req
438. "The Weird Al Show" is back!Copy !req
439. Did you miss me?Copy !req
440. - And now, presenting
my very best friendCopy !req
441. in the whole stinking world,
Harvey the Wonder Hamster, yay!Copy !req
442. How you doing, pal?Copy !req
443. You ready for a big stunt?Copy !req
444. OK.Copy !req
445. Today, Harvey is going to
hang glide from Mount Everest.Copy !req
446. Ya ready?Copy !req
447. OK, here we go.Copy !req
448. - Wow, look at him go!Copy !req
449. Go, Harvey, go!Copy !req
450. Harvey the Wonder
Hamster, everybody!Copy !req
451. Aww, Harvey's the best.Copy !req
452. He's way better than mediocre.Copy !req
453. Anyway, it looks like
the end of the show,Copy !req
454. because— well,
that's what it is.Copy !req
455. So until next time, keep
your feet on the ground,Copy !req
456. keep your chin held high, and
keep an extra pair of safetyCopy !req
457. goggles handy, because
you never know whenCopy !req
458. an interdimensional black
hole is going to— gah!Copy !req