The Weird Al Show 1x11

Directed by

Fred Willard as Award Show Host • Drew Carey as Al • Jack Plotnick as Uncle Ralphie • Judy Tenuta as Madame Judy • Eddie Deezen as Guy Boarded Up in the Wall (voice)

Al is up against Uncle Ralphie for the Best TV Host of the Year award.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Oh, this is the story about a guy named Al,

2. and he lived in a sewer with his hamster pal.

3. But the sanitation workers really didn't approve,

4. so he packed up his accordion and had

5. to move to a city in Ohio, where he lived in a tree,

6. and he worked in a nasal decongestant factory.

7. And he played on the company bowling team,

8. and every single night he had a strange, recurring dream

9. where he was wearing lederhosen in a vat of sour cream.

10. But that's really not important to the story.

11. Well, the very next year he met a dental hygienist

12. with a spatula tattooed on her arm— on her arm!

13. But he didn't keep in touch, and he lost her number.

14. Then he got himself a job on a tater tot farm.

15. And he spent his life savings on a split-level cave

16. 20 miles below the surface of the Earth— of the Earth!

17. And he really makes a mighty fine jelly bean and pickle

18. sandwich, for what it's worth!

19. Then one day, Al was in the forest,

20. trying to get a tan, when he heard the tortured

21. screaming of a funny little man.

22. He was caught in a bear trap, and Al set him free.

23. And the guy that he rescued was grateful as could be,

24. and it turns out he's a big shot producer on TV.

25. So he gave Al a contract, and what do you know?

26. Now he's got his very own Weird Al Show!

27. Yeah, yeah!

28. Yeah, yeah!

29. Yeah, yeah!

30. Today's lesson is, whenever you're

31. in any type of competition, it's always important to play fair.

32. - Oh, hi there.

33. I'm just getting my fortune told by Madame Judy, the psychic.

34. This'll just take a sec.

35. - Shh!

36. Madame Judy demands quiet!

37. I will now predict the present.

38. - The present? - Quiet!

39. Madame Judy must concentrate.

40. Oh, oh.

41. I see that you are wearing a green shirt.

42. - Um.

43. No.

44. - Wait, Al.

45. Laying on of hands.

46. Ooh, ooh!

47. Nng!

48. - Look, can't you just tell me something about my future?

49. - No details, only cryptic warnings.

50. - OK, fine.

51. Hit me with a cryptic warning.

52. - Oh, ooh.

53. Oh, beware, beware, beware of toads who don't play fair.

54. - That's it?

55. - No.

56. Five bucks, please.

57. Ooh, I now predict that Madame Judy is leaving you.

58. Oh!

59. Goodbye, goodbye!

60. - Goodbye.

61. Wow, for once, she was actually right.

62. Well anyway, I can tell by the old clock on the wall

63. that once again, it's time for—

64. Al's mailbag, that's right.

65. Well, let's see what our viewers have to say this week.

66. Ah.

67. Let's see.

68. Oh, got a letter here from Mindy Groatlution in Omaha, Nebraska.

69. And Mindy writes— oh, it's an answer to our trivia question.

70. The question was, what's the difference

71. between a machine gun and Kenny G?

72. Let's see if she got it.

73. Yes, a machine gun only repeats itself 30 times.

74. Congratulations, Mindy.

75. You win my undying respect.

76. OK, next letter is—

77. Thank you.

78. Wow, special delivery.

79. OK, uh— wow!

80. Can you believe it? Harvey, look at this.

81. Oh, I've been nominated for the best TV show host award.

82. Oh, isn't this great?

83. This is so cool.

84. I probably won't win, but it's an honor just to be nominated,

85. right?

86. Did you hear something?

87. Hey, Al.

88. - Oh, it's the guy boarded up in the walls.

89. Excuse me, Harvey. My public wants me.

90. My public wants me. Hey, Guy Boarded up in the Wall.

91. What's going on? Uh.

92. Can you do me a big favor?

93. - A favor? Sure.

94. You want an autograph?

95. A lock of my hair?

96. Bag of my toenail clippings?

97. Uh, no.

98. Could you turn on the TV?

99. I'm missing "The Fred Huggins Show."

100. - Fred Huggins?

101. Eugh.

102. Well, OK. Thanks.

103. - Because it really doesn't matter if you're

104. blue or red or green or yellow, we can all be friends.

105. Right, Papa Booli?

106. - Yeah, whatever.

107. - I think his medication's starting to wear off.

108. - All righty.

109. Hello, boys and girls.

110. I'm Fred Huggins, and this is "The Fred Huggins Show."

111. - Imagine that.

112. - Well, why don't we all get comfortable

113. and take off some of these heavy clothes?

114. - What? - What?

115. - I'll start with my little shoesy-woosies.

116. - Oh, no.

117. Anything but that—

118. - No, please!

119. Stop!

120. For the love of—

121. - Ahh, that's better, isn't it?

122. Fred Huggins, what a joke.

123. Let's see what else is on.

124. - I want you all to just shake it out.

125. That's right, shake it out.

126. Get yourself all limber and loosey-goosey.

127. That's right.

128. I said shake it out!

129. Ahh, that's right.

130. You don't want to be exercising too soon too fast,

131. or you're liable to drain your uvula, or something.

132. - Wolf raised by pack of human babies.

133. Film at 11.

134. - Shake it out!

135. Shake it out!

136. There we go.

137. Shake it out, shake it out!

138. - We're back with "The Uncle Ralphie Show."

139. Aren't we having the time of our lives?

140. Heh.

141. - Mip-mip.

142. - Pipe down, Mippy.

143. On a slightly more serious note, I

144. would like to thank all of my wonderful fans

145. for nominating me for best TV show host.

146. When I win that award— and I will win—

147. I want you to remember that I never couldn't have done it

148. without the help of all the little people

149. that I had to step on to get where I am today.

150. Well, why don't we go to the phones?

151. Uncle Ralphie Show, you're on the air.

152. AL Hi, I'm a first-time caller.

153. - Yes.

154. You have a question?

155. AL Well, um.

156. You seem to be pretty sure you're going to win that away.

157. - Yeah, well, why wouldn't I?

158. Heh heh.

159. - Uh, I think there are some other wonderful TV

160. show hosts out there that have a good chance of winning, too.

161. - Yeah, right.

162. Like that loser Weird Al?

163. - I am not a loser!

164. - You!

165. Oh, I get it.

166. You're trying to sabotage my show.

167. That's not fair!

168. - I never— I was merely pointing out that you haven't won yet.

169. - Well, I will!

170. I'm going to be number one!

171. - No, I'm going to be number one!

172. - No, me!

173. - Me, me!

174. Me, me, me, me, me, me, me!

175. - You're going to be sorry you ever messed with me.

176. Two can play at this game.

177. - What's that supposed to mean?

178. If only Val Brentwood, Gal Spy, were here.

179. Val! Where'd you come from?

180. - Can't say, secret spy stuff.

181. Huh!

182. So, what's up?

183. - I want you to keep an eye on Uncle Ralphie.

184. You know, get some inside info on him.

185. I think he's liable to pull something.

186. - You got it, Al.

187. - Oh, and another thing, I— oh, she's good.

188. Anyway, I'm probably just being paranoid.

189. I mean, I'm sure Uncle Ralphie wouldn't—

190. - Very funny, Uncle Ralphie, ha ha ha.

191. Good joke.

192. What?

193. "Harvey is mediocre"?

194. Nobody says that about my pal! That's it.

195. This is war.

196. You're going down, Uncle Ralphie.

197. A ha ha ha!

198. We'll be right back.

199. That marching band has Al playing an angry tune.

200. But is destroying the competition

201. really the best way to win?

202. Don't go away, we'll be right back!

203. Can you believe it? "The Weird Al Show" is back!

204. - Wow.

205. Who doesn't love a good marching band?

206. Nobody.

207. Except maybe that loser, Weird Al.

208. Bullseye!

209. And now, two very special treats.

210. First, butter popcorn for everybody.

211. Here's the popcorn.

212. And here's the butter.

213. - And now for the real treat.

214. Please welcome an act so special,

215. they would only agree to do my show.

216. Here they are, Radish.

217. - Ha!

218. Look at that, Harvey.

219. They're a no-show.

220. They canceled on him.

221. Ahh, that's beautiful.

222. - Gee, wonder why they'd go and do a thing like that.

223. - Radish?

224. What are you guys doing here?

225. Val, what did you do?

226. - No no, don't you look at me like that, Al.

227. This is war.

228. Remember?

229. - Yeah, I guess you're right.

230. So, Radish, what song will you be performing on my show today?

231. - You're crazy.

232. - Oh, come on.

233. Sing a song.

234. Please?

235. - You're completely out of your mind.

236. - Pretty please?

237. - We're not doing your stupid show.

238. You kidnapped us.

239. - I see, I see.

240. Well, then maybe you'd like to watch

241. "The Collected Works of Pauly Shore"?

242. No!

243. - Any particular song you want to hear?

244. - Oh, surprise me.

245. Barefoot in the sand, wishing God would lend a hand.

246. Wave after wave comes crashing down,

247. washing away a little more ground.

248. Seems to me that's how all things are.

249. I'm giving and taking little pink stars.

250. I want the world to know that you're mine.

251. I want to touch you.

252. I want the world to know that you're mine,

253. I want to feel you from the inside.

254. I want the world to know that you're mine,

255. I want to touch you.

256. I want the world to know that you're mine.

257. Walking along with the ocean at my heels, loving the way

258. the water feels.

259. Up in the sky, something catches my eye.

260. It's bright as a star in the northern sky.

261. Seems to me that's how all things are.

262. I'm giving and taking little pink stars.

263. Yeah!

264. I want the world to know that you're mine,

265. I want to touch you.

266. Yeah, yeah, I want the world to know that you're mine.

267. I want to feel you from the inside.

268. I want the world to know that you're mine,

269. I want to touch you.

270. I want the world to know that you're mine,

271. I want to touch you.

272. I want to!

273. Yeah, yeah.

274. Yeah, yeah.

275. Yeah, yeah.

276. - Hey, Al.

277. They're getting away.

278. - Eh, don't worry about it.

279. - Hey, kids.

280. I'm Weird Ralph. Heh heh heh.

281. - What are they doing?

282. - And now, here's everyone's favorite rodent,

283. my very, very best friend in the whole world,

284. Marvin the Super Guinea Pig!

285. - How awful!

286. How heartless!

287. How could anyone sink so low as to do

288. a parody of another human being?

289. And making a guinea pig wear blue after Labor Day?

290. What is he thinking? - Hey, Al.

291. Have you seen Weird Ralph?

292. This guy's a hoot.

293. - I'll do anything to win that best TV show host award.

294. Any advice?

295. - Yes.

296. If you're going to compete with Uncle Ralphie, play fair.

297. The important thing is you just do the best show you can do.

298. - Hey, I've got it!

299. How about if I get a bunch of plastic surgery

300. and change my looks?

301. - Um, yeah.

302. That would have been my second choice.

303. - Well, it's a good thing my brand new invention is

304. an instant plastic surgery machine.

305. Ah, I knew this thing would come in handy in a pinch.

306. Let's give it a shot.

307. - Where's that mirror?

308. Oh, no!

309. What have I done?

310. Gah!

311. Whew.

312. That was scary.

313. Hey, where'd this package come from?

314. - Uh, some suspicious-looking clown snuck in here

315. and set it on the table real careful-like.

316. - Wow, package from a clown?

317. How cool is that? Wow!

318. Giant wax lips, just what I always wanted!

319. And they're— ticking?

320. Oh, no!

321. Lip bomb!

322. Don't go away.

323. We'll be right back.

324. That's the last time Al

325. takes any lip from Uncle Ralphie.

326. But will Uncle Ralphie's dirty tricks blow up in his face?

327. Hold your horses, we'll be right back!

328. All right, "The Weird Al Show" is back!

329. - Uncle Ralphie's gone way too far.

330. If he's not going to play fair, then neither am I!

331. Val?

332. I'm going to ask you to do something.

333. And I don't want to hear an argument.

334. Execute secret plan 7B.

335. - Not 7B?

336. - Yes, 7B.

337. - I can't.

338. - You must. - But I can't.

339. - You must. - No I can't.

340. You never told me what it was.

341. - Oh.

342. - Got it.

343. Wheezer Boy, this is Mother Hubbard.

344. Release the poodles.

345. - I need absolute silence.

346. This requires the utmost concentration.

347. We sure don't want any miscalculations now,

348. do we, Mippy?

349. - That's right, because even the slightest distraction—

350. Oh, no!

351. No, down!

352. No, stop!

353. - Oh, that's a good one.

354. You know, all this espionage is making me kind of hungry.

355. Think I'll pop out to the kitchen

356. for a little nutrition break.

357. Care to join me, Val?

358. Val?

359. Eh, she's a slippery one, all right.

360. Anyway.

361. Here's one of my favorite recipes.

362. First, take a raw potato.

363. Don't wash it!

364. Next, it in half with a blunt knife.

365. Then sprinkle liberally with gummy worms.

366. And finally, top with your favorite brand of India ink.

367. Mmm, now that's good eating.

368. - Ugh!

369. Somebody switched my favorite brand of ink

370. with my very least favorite brand of ink!

371. Who could have done such a horrible, despicable thing?

372. Uncle Ralphie!

373. Al, Al, Al! - What?

374. What is it?

375. Can't you see I'm busy plotting annihilation

376. of a fellow TV show host?

377. The award show is on.

378. - What award show?

379. And you're not there.

380. - Oh, man. You're right.

381. I got so wrapped up in this whole Uncle Ralphie thing,

382. I forgot all about it.

383. - Thank you.

384. And now, without further ado, the moment

385. you've all been waiting for.

386. May I have the envelope, please?

387. Thank you.

388. And now, the winner of the best TV

389. show host award goes to— but before I announce the winner,

390. I just want to say something.

391. Every day in our country, thousands of our youngsters

392. go to amusement parks and arcades

393. and play a supposedly innocent game called Whack-a-Squirrel.

394. Well, I personally don't find anything

395. cute, charming, or "fun" about a game that openly encourages

396. abuse and violence towards our furry rodent friends.

397. So please, stop the insanity.

398. Thank you.

399. Now, where was I. Oh, yes.

400. The winner of the best TV show host award is—

401. - Me, me, me, me!

402. Me!

403. - Me, please, me, me me me!

404. - Me, me! Me, me!

405. Me!

406. - Me, please!

407. Me!

408. - The guy who played fair and square, Fred Huggins!

409. - What?

410. - What! - What!

411. - I can't believe I won!

412. - Neither can we!

413. - The only thing that makes winning even better

414. is that my two best friends in the world

415. are here to share it with me.

416. - Guess again, you freak!

417. - I want to go home.

418. - I just want to say, this is the proudest moment of my life.

419. Because now I know you like me.

420. You really— waugh!

421. - I blame you, Mippy.

422. - Mip-mip, mip-mip.

423. - What it'll be first?

424. "Encino Man" or "Jury Duty"?

425. - You know, it's real whack you didn't win that award, Al.

426. - Well, Fred Huggins is pretty lame,

427. but at least he played by the rules.

428. I've just been spending all my time

429. trying to destroy Uncle Ralphie.

430. Well, you just wait.

431. Next year, I'll beat everybody.

432. But I'll do it fair and square, on the level,

433. straight as an arrow, by making my show

434. the very best it can be.

435. And I know exactly how I'm going to do it!

436. Don't go away, or you'll

437. regret it for the rest of your life!

438. "The Weird Al Show" is back!

439. Did you miss me?

440. - And now, presenting my very best friend

441. in the whole stinking world, Harvey the Wonder Hamster, yay!

442. How you doing, pal?

443. You ready for a big stunt?

444. OK.

445. Today, Harvey is going to hang glide from Mount Everest.

446. Ya ready?

447. OK, here we go.

448. - Wow, look at him go!

449. Go, Harvey, go!

450. Harvey the Wonder Hamster, everybody!

451. Aww, Harvey's the best.

452. He's way better than mediocre.

453. Anyway, it looks like the end of the show,

454. because— well, that's what it is.

455. So until next time, keep your feet on the ground,

456. keep your chin held high, and keep an extra pair of safety

457. goggles handy, because you never know when

458. an interdimensional black hole is going to— gah!