The Weird Al Show 1x10

1. Oh, this is a story about a guy named Al,

2. and he lived in a sewer with his hamster pal.

3. But the sanitation workers really didn't approve,

4. so he packed up his accordion and had

5. to move to a city in Ohio where he lived in a tree

6. and he worked in a nasal decongestant factory.

7. And he played on the company bowling team,

8. and every single night he had a strange recurring dream

9. where he was wearing lederhosen in a vat of sour cream,

10. but that's really not important to the story.

11. Oh, the very next year he met a dental hygienist with a spatula

12. tattooed on her arm, but he didn't keep in touch

13. and he lost her number, then he got

14. himself a job on a tator tot farm.

15. And he spent his life-savings on split-level cave

16. 20 miles below the surface of the Earth.

17. And he really makes a mighty fine jelly bean and pickle

18. sandwich, for what it's worth.

19. Then one day Al was in the forest trying to get a tan when

20. he heard the tortured screaming of a funny little man.

21. He was caught in a bear trap, and Al set him free.

22. And the guy that he rescued was grateful as can be

23. and it turns out he's a big shot producer on TV,

24. so he gives Al a contract, and whaddya know?

25. Now, he's got his very own Weird Al Show.

26. Today's lesson is, a true friend is someone who

27. helps you believe in yourself and achieve your goals.

28. - All right, here we go.

29. That's it, come on now, Harvey.

30. Show me what you got.

31. Come on.

32. Ha!

33. In your face.

34. Harvey, what's wrong with you?

35. I've never beat you in air hockey before.

36. Something on your mind?

37. Don't want to talk about it, huh?

38. OK. Oh, hi.

39. I'm just doing a little bonding with my best friend

40. in the whole world, Harvey the Wonder Hamster.

41. Hey, you feel like singing the Harvey

42. the Wonder Hamster theme song?

43. Sure you do.

44. (SINGING) Oh, Harvey, Harvey, Harvey the Wonder Hamster.

45. He doesn't bite and doesn't squeal,

46. he just runs around on his hamster wheel.

47. Harvey, Harvey, Harvey the Wonder Hamster.

48. Hey, Harvey.

49. Well, that was fun, wasn't it?

50. Wasn't it, pal?

51. Harvey, what's wrong with you?

52. You've been acting really strange ever

53. since you agreed to do that death

54. defying stunt on today's show.

55. Hey, wait a minute.

56. That's what's bothering you, isn't it?

57. You're nervous about doing the stunt.

58. Well, I sure hope you get over it

59. because you're ruining my show.

60. Remember, it's the Weird Al Show, not

61. the Harvey the Wonder Hamster Show.

62. It's about me, not about you.

63. Look, I don't have time to talk about it right now.

64. I've got a TV show to worry about.

65. - Excuse me, Al. - Oh, hey.

66. Everybody, it's Dweezil Zappa.

67. - I finished polishing your bowling ball collection

68. and it is beautiful, but can I have

69. some of your famous chocolate lasagna now?

70. - Did you finish dusting the atomic super collider

71. in my basement?

72. - Um.

73. - Dweezil, Dweezil, Dweezil, if I reward you without you having

74. to earn it, what kind of lesson am I teaching you?

75. Now, go finish that list of chores I gave you

76. and then later, maybe, you can have

77. some chocolate lasagna, OK?

78. OK, where was I? Oh, yeah.

79. I know a lot of you out there like to cable surf,

80. or channel hop, or whatever you want to call it,

81. and I don't want any of you to feel like you're missing out

82. on something by watching this show, so as a public service,

83. I'd like to save you wear and tear on your remote controls

84. by showing you what's on the other channels right now.

85. - Hey, do I smell fish sticks?

86. - Yo, Sabrina, I'd come to your house

87. after school but my scuba tank isn't working.

88. Sabrina, the Teenage Fish will continue in a moment.

89. - Add a three finger pattern, just like your normal finger

90. picking, and then we weave in a pretty little counter line.

91. Oh, this was so easy, it practically plays itself.

92. - Billy, the 300 pound chicken, has announced

93. that he will run for mayor of Chicago.

94. Mayor Goldman of Chicago could not be reached for comment.

95. When a man you never met before suddenly

96. comes up to you and says—

97. - May I take your order, please?

98. You know your shampoo is working.

99. May I Take Your Order, Please? shampoo,

100. available now at beauty salons everywhere.

101. - There's something weird in the fridge today.

102. I don't know what it is.

103. Food I can't recognize.

104. My roommate won't throw a thing away,

105. I guess it's probably his.

106. It looks like it's alive, and living in the fridge.

107. You can't stop the mold from growing.

108. Living in the fridge.

109. Can't tell what it is at all.

110. Living in the fridge.

111. You can't stop the mold from growing.

112. Living in the fridge.

113. - And finally, congratulations to our new state

114. swimming champion, Sabrina.

115. - Well, who could that be?

116. Hold on.

117. - Hold your horses!

118. - I'm Dr. Phillip, door-to-door pet psychologist.

119. Have you any disturbed pets?

120. - Wow, what a coincidence? Well, yeah.

121. In fact, I've got this professionally trained stunt

122. hamster, and well, he's a little nervous

123. about doing his big trick on my TV show.

124. - Textbook.

125. You have a TV show?

126. - Yeah, in fact, we're on TV right now.

127. Look.

128. - Hi, Mom.

129. I'm sorry, that cameraman looks just like my mother.

130. Anyway, for hamster therapy, you're

131. looking at one hour a day for five years.

132. - Wow, that long?

133. - Well, almost all of it is just training

134. him to stand this miserable little couch here.

135. - I— I don't know.

136. - Well, of course, if you're pressed for time,

137. we could always use duct tape.

138. - No, that's— why don't we just get started here?

139. Harvey, this is Dr. Phillips.

140. - Hello, Harvey.

141. I want you to tell me what this ink blot looks like to you.

142. - Are you sure you know what you're doing here?

143. - I've had much tougher cases than this.

144. I once had an obsessive compulsive schnauzer

145. who would dig up and bury the same bone 300 times a day.

146. - So why can't Harvey get his act together?

147. I've got a TV show to do here.

148. - I think you should spend a bit less time

149. worrying about your own needs, and a bit more

150. about how you might help Harvey achieve one of his goals.

151. - Well—

152. - You don't like that idea?

153. How about this?

154. Harvey, snap out of it.

155. I'll give you something to be nervous about.

156. - Hey, hey, hey, hey. - You dunce.

157. I was just beginning to reach him.

158. - You freak.

159. You psycho.

160. - Fine, traumatize him.

161. - Sorry about that, Harvey.

162. Well, I can tell by the old clock on the wall

163. that, once again, it's time for Al's Mail Bag.

164. That's right.

165. Let's see what our viewers have to say this week.

166. OK, uh, got a letter here from Mary Taten

167. from Waukesha, Wisconsin.

168. And Mary's— oh, it's an envelope full of beef stew.

169. That's sweet.

170. Thanks, Mary.

171. What else do we have here?

172. Looks like a letter of from Ed McMahon.

173. You may have already won $10 million.

174. Oh, cool.

175. OK, our next letter is from—

176. Oh no, it's the Yoko Ono alarm.

177. That can only mean one thing.

178. It's time to go to a commercial.

179. Don't go away, we'll be right back with Harvey's big stunt.

180. Wait a minute, I thought

181. Harvey was nervous about doing that stunt.

182. Looks like Al's so busy thinking about his own needs,

183. he's forgotten about the needs of his hamster.

184. You will train harder than your opponent.

185. You will train longer than your opponent.

186. You will do — everything you can to defeat your opponent,

187. but you know what?

188. He's still going to kick your butt.

189. That's right.

190. You heard me.

191. I've seen him play.

192. I've seen you play.

193. And quite frankly, he's just plain better than you.

194. So get it through that thick skull of yours,

195. muscle boy, you might as well quit now.

196. He's going to clean your clock.

197. He's going to mop the floor with your face.

198. That's right, jump your little rope.

199. That's precious.

200. But all the rope jumping and weight lifting in the world

201. isn't going to help you win.

202. Say, maybe if you got a brand new pair of shoes

203. you'd have a chance.

204. Nah, forget it.

205. You're hopeless.

206. Just get out of here.

207. Out, out.

208. Sport Shoe, you don't deserve to wear them.

209. AL: The Weird Al Show will be right back.

210. I promise.

211. All right, The Weird Al Show is back.

212. - OK, right now it's time for the highlight of the show, a very

213. special performance by the world's greatest living stunt

214. hamster, my close, personal friend, Harvey.

215. And today, Harvey won't be performing just any stunt.

216. Oh no.

217. Today he'll be performing the most spectacular, the most

218. hair-raising, the most death-defying stunt

219. of his entire career.

220. That's right, pal.

221. Today, you're going to be breaking the world's record

222. for longest untethered hamster stunt free fall.

223. Ladies and gentleman, I give you, Harvey the Wonder Hamster.

224. OK, Harvey, any time.

225. Come on, Harvey, were waiting, let's go.

226. Hey, what gives?

227. You're not really scared, are you?

228. I don't believe this.

229. If it were me, I woulda jumped already.

230. You are so lame.

231. Come on you wimp, jump.

232. Jump.

233. Jump.

234. Harvey.

235. Oh, you big baby.

236. That's right, go on home.

237. You coward.

238. Oh, who could that be now?

239. Uh oh, it's JB Toppersmith, the guy that gave me this show.

240. I wonder what he wants now.

241. - Oh, Yankovic, how are you?

242. How's the show going?

243. - Oh, just fine, JB.

244. - Look, Yankovic, I was wondering what you've

245. got Harvey the Wonder Hamster doing on this week's show.

246. - I'm not sure Harvey's up to performing today.

247. - What are you talking about?

248. He's under contract.

249. - Yeah, I know, but he—

250. - All right, never mind, never mind.

251. Lose the hamster.

252. I got a much better idea anyhow.

253. Two words, Al, giant banana. - What?

254. - Oh yeah, I think the show should

255. have a giant banana on it.

256. Kids love bananas.

257. They're hot right now. - Really?

258. - Oh, trust me.

259. Look, I can't sit here and argue all day.

260. We OK on the banana?

261. - Sure, JB.

262. - I just love bananas personally.

263. I eat 30 or 40 a day.

264. Did you know all the vitamins are in the skin?

265. - I wasn't aware of that.

266. - Trust me.

267. - Anyway, I got to go.

268. Thanks a lot, JB. See ya, bye.

269. - Bye.

270. - OK, Al, I finished sorting all your pennies by year.

271. Now, can I have some of that chocolate lasagna?

272. - Dweezil, look, I'm kind of busy right now.

273. I'll save you a piece, I promise.

274. In the meantime, you want to be a good little pop star

275. and take out my trash?

276. - Sure, no problem.

277. - Hey, someone's at the door.

278. - Hello, Alfred.

279. - Mrs. Fesenmeyer, my childhood accordion teacher.

280. Wow, I haven't seen you since you were this tall.

281. So what brings you here?

282. - Oh, I just happened to be in the neighborhood,

283. and I thought I'd pop in and borrow

284. a galvanized universal socket wrench.

285. - Oh. There you go.

286. - Oh, thank you.

287. Oh, and how's Harvey? - Fine.

288. Gee, it's great to see you.

289. You know, you were the first person

290. who really believed in me and encouraged

291. me to play my accordion.

292. And I'll never forget that.

293. - Well, you were the first student

294. to fill his accordion with jello,

295. and I'll never forget that either.

296. - Hey, Mrs. Fesenmeyer, as long as you're here

297. and we're talking about the good old days,

298. why don't I show you one of my home movies?

299. - Oh, you really don't have to do that.

300. - Oh, it's no problem.

301. Look, the projector's already set up.

302. Have a seat. - Oh, I really should be—

303. - Sit down.

304. - Oh, okie dokie.

305. - Here's a little film I like to call my summer vacation.

306. Well, one of the high points of my summer vacation

307. had to be our family trip to the zoo.

308. See, there we are.

309. There's me, and mom, and a monkey,

310. and, I don't know what that is.

311. Oh, there's my old friend, Dr. Demento.

312. He just loves to hang out by the lion cages.

313. He likes to feed 'em too.

314. I keep telling him that he's not supposed to

315. but, you know, he's just wacky.

316. What a kooky, nutty guy.

317. Boy, Harvey used to love going to the zoo,

318. but he always got kind of nervous

319. around the reptile house.

320. Oh, good popcorn.

321. Anyway— oh, look here I am at the horse stables.

322. I always wanted to learn how to ride a horse,

323. so I figured I'd finally give it a shot.

324. Look at me.

325. I'm cowboy Al.

326. I thought I cut this part out.

327. Maybe I'll try again some other time.

328. Ah, what could be better on a hot summer day

329. than a lovely picnic in the park?

330. The only thing that ruins it are those darn giant

331. radioactive grasshoppers.

332. Man, are they annoying.

333. I wish they could do something about those things.

334. They really bug me.

335. Oh, I also got a part time job at the circus last summer.

336. It was a lot of fun.

337. Harvey even taught me a stunt, how

338. to get a shot out of a cannon.

339. Here I go.

340. Wow, what a thrill that was.

341. And boom. Whoa!

342. It didn't go as planned, but Harvey said I did a good job.

343. That was back when he was supportive,

344. before he decided to ruin my show.

345. Well, I guess that's it.

346. You want to see another one, Mrs. Fesenmeyer?

347. - Oh, dear.

348. Oh, I just remembered, I need to go home and floss my gerbil.

349. - Wow, I never even knew she had a gerbil.

350. How about that Harvey?

351. Harvey.

352. Hey, there goes the Hooded Avenger.

353. He lives in the cave next door.

354. Real nice guy.

355. Very clean.

356. Let's find out what he wants.

357. Wake up, Al.

358. If Harvey's ever going to do his big stunt,

359. he'll need your help and support.

360. AL: Hold your horses, we'll be right back.

361. Hey, it's time for more of The Weird Al Show.

362. - Hey, Al, they left a couple of these Chinese food menus

363. on my door, I think one of them's yours.

364. I'm just dropping it off.

365. - Thanks.

366. - You feeling, OK, Al?

367. You don't look so good.

368. Hey, where's Harvey?

369. - Oh, he locked himself in his house.

370. - Really?

371. Why?

372. - Harvey and I had a little fight.

373. He won't do his stunts.

374. He's acting like a jerk.

375. - Did you do something to upset him?

376. - No.

377. All right, I called him a wimp and a coward and a big baby.

378. But he's still acting like a jerk.

379. - Al, let me tell you a little story

380. about a fight I had with my good friend, Mr. molasses.

381. - The slowest superhero ever?

382. - I used to love hanging out with him.

383. We had some great times together.

384. But every time I'd go out crime fighting,

385. he'd want to tag along.

386. So I'd have to drive the Hood Cycle at two miles an hour

387. so he could keep up.

388. We ended up getting in a big fight over this.

389. We stopped talking to one another.

390. Then, five years ago, he was in a freak road painting accident,

391. and I've missed him ever since.

392. - You mean, he, he—

393. - Yeah, he moved to Boise, Idaho.

394. Why?

395. You know, I hear he changed his name to Mr. Pancake.

396. But there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him.

397. I wish that we were together fighting crime again.

398. - Come on, pull yourself together.

399. - There's nothing like a good friend, Al.

400. You remember that.

401. - Well, thanks, Hooded Avenger.

402. I'm going to make up with Harvey.

403. You know, I think I just figured out

404. what that pet psychologist was trying to tell me.

405. If I can help Harvey achieve something,

406. then he'll feel better about himself

407. and have more confidence.

408. - Excellent idea.

409. Well, good luck my friend. I've got to run.

410. - Oh, looks like it's time for the giant banana.

411. Giant banana, everybody.

412. Hey, hey, hey, watch it.

413. That was Harvey's favorite habitrail.

414. That's it, get out, out.

415. I knew I shouldn't let JB talk me into that.

416. Hey, Harvey, forget it.

417. I was going to buy you a new one anyway.

418. Harvey?

419. Harvey, open up.

420. Hey, pal, it's me, you're old buddy, Al.

421. Come on, let's make up.

422. I miss having you around.

423. Harvey, look, when I say that you can achieve whatever goals

424. you set for yourself, I'm not just spinning your wheel.

425. I know you can do anything you set your mind to doing.

426. Just think back on all your hours

427. of hard work practicing to become the world

428. class stunt hamster you are today.

429. 999.

430. One more, Harvey.

431. You can do it, one more.

432. Come on, you can do it.

433. OK, Harv, let's get those legs in shape.

434. You ready?

435. Run, Harvey, run.

436. Faster, faster, move those legs.

437. That's it, come on.

438. You can do it.

439. Harvey, I believe in you.

440. You can do it.

441. You know you can.

442. Yes, that's the Harvey I know.

443. Oh, all right, Harvey.

444. I knew you could do it.

445. Well, Al, finally learned that a true friend

446. is someone who helps you believe in yourself

447. and achieve your goals.

448. - Hi, hon.

449. Hard day at work?

450. - Oh, don't even ask.

451. Hey, what's for dinner?

452. - I'm making roast beef. What do you want with it?

453. Potatoes?

454. Green beans?

455. - How about bananas?

456. - Bananas?

457. You can't have bananas with roast beef.

458. Now, you can.

459. - Huh?

460. - Introducing new Silly Choice dinners.

461. The new line of dinners where any dinner you desire

462. is possible.

463. Like, roast beef and bananas.

464. - Bananas?

465. Or fried chicken and pancakes.

466. - Pancakes?

467. - My goal in creating Silly Choice Dinners

468. was to make available the dinners that I wanted to eat.

469. I love 'em, and I think you will too.

470. Try all 15 varieties of Silly Choice Dinners,

471. like grilled salmon and pancakes.

472. - Pancakes?

473. Again?

474. - You've got two dinners with pancakes?

475. - Or spaghetti and rubber bands.

476. - Rubber bands?

477. You can't have rubber bands for dinner.

478. - Yes, you can, with Silly Choice.

479. Silly Choice Dinners, now in your grocer's freezer.

480. AL: The Weird Al Show will be back in a flash.

481. And now, back to the show.

482. - Well, that's it for this week.

483. So until next time—

484. - Al, Al, check it out.

485. Some of my finest work.

486. - Nice. - All right, that's it.

487. Where's my chocolate lasagna, man?

488. - Oh, OK.

489. A deal's a deal.

490. It's right over there.

491. Oh, would you look at that.

492. Harvey ate the last piece.

493. Well, we'll get you some next time, OK?

494. - Oh, yeah.

495. Yeah, uh huh, sure, sure.

496. OK.

497. I do all this work, I get nothing.

498. No chocolate, nothing.

499. - Geez, what's his problem?

500. Anyway, as I was saying, until next time, eat your vegetables,

501. brush your teeth 27 times a day, and remember,

502. Harvey is a professionally trained stunt hamster.

503. So if there's any hamsters out there watching,

504. don't try this at home.

505. Oh, and most importantly, always watch out

506. for speeding locomotives, because you never know— whoa.