1. I always wondered what was up
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2. with this creepy building.
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3. Welcome to The Guild
of Calamitous Intent.
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4. Ta-da!
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5. Please step on the grating
and put these on.
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6. Have you eaten breakfast?
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7. - No.
- Not yet.
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8. Good.
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9. Here she is...
Guild Strategic Operations.
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10. Research and development,
agent training,
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11. covert undertakings,
scams, shams, and "oh, damns"...
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12. This is where it all goes down.
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13. Every one of these doors
leads into the future
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14. of organized evil.
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15. Shut the fuckin' door!
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16. E-Except for that door.
That's the men's room.
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17. Ladies' room!
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18. - I-It's not what it looks like!
- Dude!
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19. You have the wrong door again.
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20. - Right door.
- This is the B.T.C.
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21. Blackmail Training Center.
These women are Guild agents.
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22. And that man has the job
I apply for every year.
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23. And denied.
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24. The S.A.C...
the Surgical Alteration Center.
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25. Here, after multiple
surgical processes,
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26. we alter our agents
to take the place
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27. of the world's
most powerful people.
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28. Dave Grohl?
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29. You made a guy into Dave Grohl?
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30. Nobody refuses Dave Grohl.
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31. He got a Beatle
to be in his band.
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32. And King Diamond!
You try that, smartass.
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33. The Guild H.T.C...
Hypnosis Training Center.
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34. Here we train agents in the use
of our own method
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35. of speed induction.
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36. Hypnosis doesn't really work.
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37. Oh, yeah.
It's a complete myth.
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38. Sleep!
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39. - No way. Screw this!
- Relax!
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40. This is the H.T.C...
the Hologram Training Center.
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41. Observe.
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42. These are harmless
projected imag...
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43. Okay. No. This is real.
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44. Wait. No.
This is the V.A.T.C.
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45. The Vicious Animal
Training Center.
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46. Who's a good ocelot?
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47. Let's just leave really slowly.
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48. See? We really need to
label these doors.
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49. This the Guild
Interrogation Hub.
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50. What, it's not the G.I.H.?
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51. No.
Why would it be that?
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52. So, anything interest you?
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53. We were looking more
for fieldwork...
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54. you know,
something to help us level up.
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55. The best thing for that
is to be a good "earner."
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56. You bring in looted technology,
intel, severed heads, cash.
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57. Oh, there's the Big Villain
program.
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58. Tutor a Guild newbie for a day,
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59. get massive brownie points
at your review board.
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60. I don't know. Maybe?
I... Who do I got to tutor?
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61. Uh, the only one available today
is St. Cloud.
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62. Level one.
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63. Arching Billy Quizboy
and the Pink Pilgrim.
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64. Dude!
They work for Venture!
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65. It's big-headed Billy
and that albino guy.
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66. We got to do this.
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67. Sweet!
We are so in.
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68. - Ooh. Sorry.
- Please do not touch anything.
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69. Hey, that's my wife.
Hi, sweetness!
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70. That's secret Guild business,
Mr. Monarch.
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71. Let's get you
to your Little Villain.
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72. We can make this
nice and comfortable for you.
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73. You just confess to being a
member of the Peril Partnership,
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74. and you're a double agent
for the Guild by lunchtime.
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75. I'm buying.
Turkey subs?
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76. And if I don't?
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77. Well, that's treason.
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78. The punishment for that
is a classic.
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79. It's called the tub.
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80. It's filled with milk.
You lay in it.
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81. if you're hungry,
we pour honey on your face.
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82. That sounds kind of nice,
actually.
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83. At first...
you know, till the milk spoils.
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84. Soon the tub fills
with your excrement,
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85. then the flies
and their maggots.
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86. At first it itches a bit.
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87. Then it starts to burn.
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88. Your skin peels away
with every scratch
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89. you can't stop yourself
from making.
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90. The blood mixes with
the foul milk and excrement,
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91. seeping into your open wounds.
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92. The smell of your own death
causes you to vomit
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93. into your already-toxic coffin.
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94. Then the rats.
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95. Oh, right.
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96. Yeah.
The Peril Partnership.
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97. Is that what you're... Yes.
Let's talk about them.
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98. He owns the X-2?
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99. How the hell is this guy
only a Level One antagonist?
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100. Right? The X-2?
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101. I haven't been aboard this thing
in years.
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102. It's like visiting
the house you grew up in...
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103. if you, like,
buried a dead guy behind it.
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104. Ugh.
So eerily familiar.
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105. You know what looks familiar?
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106. That. That's Blue Thunder.
Roy Scheider flew that!
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107. Dude, remember how ripped he was
in "Marathon Man"?
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108. He was like Bruce Lee.
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109. Friggin' Roy Scheider,
"Jaws" dad.
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110. Secret six-pack.
Who knew?
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111. Ahoy, gentlemen.
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112. Welcome aboard the X-2,
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113. as seen on
"The Rusty Venture Show."
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114. Ah.
Uh, hello, there, uh, son.
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115. Uh, do you know
where Mr. St. Cloud is?
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116. Oh, goody!
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117. I'm being hazed
by my Big Villain.
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118. I wore my rubber panties
just in case you tickle me.
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119. I always make wee-wee
with tickles.
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120. Are you fucking kidding me?
That's St. Cloud?
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121. I brought crullers!
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122. And one apple fritter
that's mine.
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123. And two of the crullers are mine
as well.
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124. - Where are you guys?
- Freeze!
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125. All right.
Prove that you're the real Doc.
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126. This is totally a laser gun.
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127. No.
And what is that, a caulk gun?
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128. Show him what we got in the mail
this morning.
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129. "Welcome to your demise,"
yada, yada, yada...
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130. Mm-hmm.
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131. Yeah. You guys, this is
a boilerplate Guild threat.
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132. - Please.
- I tried to tell him that.
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133. Liar! You were as freaked
as I am, White!
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134. Billy, it's a scroll.
Hello?
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135. It's like being scared
of a book report
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136. on the Declaration
of Independence.
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137. Did you not read the part
that mentioned disemboweling?
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138. It personally threatens
my intestines!
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139. Come in, Brock.
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140. We have a Level One
Guild arching threat.
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141. So? What do you want,
an aspirin or something?
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142. See?
It's nothing.
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143. Where do you keep the caulk?
I got to load this bad boy.
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144. Just keep an eye on basic
Peril Partnership operations.
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145. You're more like a concerned
friend than a spy.
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146. And you'll help me
with my problem?
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147. Sign it, and I'll do everything
I can...
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148. So you don't want to talk,
huh, punky pal?
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149. Does a cat have your tongue?
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150. Well, I am just the dog to get
that cat off of your tongue!
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151. Where is the disrupter ray,
Mr. Think You're Tough Guy?
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152. What are you talking about?
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153. He's agreed to work with us
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154. if we help him get
his girlfriend back.
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155. Help get his girlfriend back?
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156. Is this interrogation room 8C?
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157. This is room 8B.
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158. My mistake.
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159. You have no need
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160. of my super-intimidating
bad-cop routine.
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161. What you need... is a makeover!
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162. Then we all get milkshakes!
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163. - We're not going.
- I don't want to do that.
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164. Look at all this stuff!
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165. That's the 1973 "Sigmund
and the Sea Monster" suit.
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166. Where did he get this?
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167. I like his albino.
Quiet.
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168. You should take notes
on this guy.
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169. Ta-da!
My snazzy villain ensemble.
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170. - Uh, I don't get it.
- No. No. He's a lightning cloud.
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171. You know... St. Cloud?
Cloud hat?
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172. Should it be tighter,
mm, sexier?
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173. Oh, God, no!
It's already...
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174. Okay. No... It's a start.
So, what's your weaponry, huh?
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175. Can you lay down,
like, a blinding smoke cloud,
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176. or does lightning
come from your hat?
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177. These are made of foam core.
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178. Do you have any superpowers?
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179. Like, you know, were you bit by
a radioactive bug or anything?
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180. Mm, well, I do have lupus,
fibromyalgia,
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181. and restless leg syndrome.
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182. Well, maybe we can work
with the restless leg?
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183. - Stop!
- Super restless leg.
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184. - That's dumb.
- All right. Fine.
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185. So you have
no special abilities?
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186. - I have money.
- Perfect!
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187. We'll get a top-of-the-line
lightning rifle, and, uh...
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188. Cloud bombs
loaded with nerve gas.
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189. Level One, dude.
Level One.
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190. Cloud bombs with laughing gas.
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191. Billy!
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192. Let's go in there.
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193. Come on! You can't hide
in the can all day.
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194. I got a belly full of crullers
and a delicate colon.
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195. Let's go!
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196. There are like 10 bathrooms
in this...
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197. Ow.
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198. - You're dead.
- What the hell?
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199. - I thought we were in time-out!
- I told you this...
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200. Never be standing
behind the door you open.
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201. It could've been a killbot with
my voice programmed into it.
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202. I actually made one of those.
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203. His name was Guardo,
and he could've just killed you.
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204. Behind every door is a threat.
Every sound is a warning.
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205. Every shadow is a villain.
Every step is a...
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206. Aah.
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207. - How in the hell did you...
- Billy looked at you.
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208. I'm armed,
but my back is still turned.
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209. You're only wounded.
Come at me, hand to hand.
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210. Keep low. Break my balance.
If you have an edge weapon...
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211. He just ran away, didn't he?
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212. Oh, yeah.
I'm pretty sure he was crying.
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213. More smoke!
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214. Now throw your catchphrase!
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215. Look out, do-gooders.
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216. Use the P.A.!
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217. You're supposed to be big
and scary!
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218. Reset!
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219. I hope you brought rubbers,
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220. because a storm is coming.
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221. That's nasty...
and not even a little scary.
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222. - Rubbers?
- Uh, rain booties.
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223. Don't improvise!
Reset!
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224. Hey, what flavor is this fog?
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225. - It's making me hungry.
- Pineapple!
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226. Now come out of the smoke
and give your evil laugh.
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227. Over here!
You're facing the wrong way!
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228. The fog is disorienting.
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229. Evil laugh!
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230. I will get you.
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231. What the hell was that?
Are you having an asthma attack?
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232. That was my evil laugh.
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233. Oh, disgusting.
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234. I mean, it's scary,
but in, like, that gross way.
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235. You need a real, from-the-gut,
bone crusher of a laugh.
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236. Reset!
Real evil laugh!
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237. Do not embarrass me
in front of Venture!
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238. Mwuah-ha-ha-ha-ha...
Mm.
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239. Ew! Will you stop putting
that weird groan at the end?
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240. Here. Listen to a pro.
Show him an evil laugh.
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241. Gladly.
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242. Reset!
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243. Don't put on the kettle.
I'm not staying.
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244. Just got to pick my clubs.
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245. What the hell
are you doing here?
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246. Shh.
Brock is training us to fight.
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247. So I'm doing what I do best,
which is to secretly cower.
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248. Oh.
Hey, that reminds me.
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249. - Damn it!
- Ha!
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250. I said trust nobody!
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251. Ugh.
I want this car so bad.
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252. I know you do.
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253. So, ready to pull
your first P.E.N.I.S.?
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254. That sounds unappetizing.
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255. Oh, no.
P.E.N.I.S. is just an acronym.
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256. For Preliminary Effective
New Information Schooling.
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257. It's like recon,
but, uh, you bust shit up.
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258. Then why not call it recon
instead of P.E.N.I.S.?
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259. - Instead of what?
- Instead of P.E.N.I.S.
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260. Of what?
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261. - Of P.E.N.I.S.
- I can't hear you back there.
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262. P.E.N.I.S. I said P.E.N.I.S.
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263. P.E.N.I.S.!
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264. Yeah. The O.S.I. never changes
their passwords.
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265. And boom, here she is...
Agent Kimberly McManus.
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266. Ooh-la-luscious!
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267. Way to go, S-464.
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268. Ladies do love exposed brains.
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269. How do you know
what she looks like?
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270. That's melt-in-your-mouth code
we're looking at.
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271. She's working daycare...
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272. Level One arches, surveillance,
intervention.
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273. Do we have any Level One arches
scheduled today?
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274. One... Augustus St. Cloud.
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275. He just put in a requisition
for a Level One lightning rifle
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276. and laughing gas grenades.
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277. And he paid in cash.
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278. - Dolla dolla bills, my brotha.
- All right.
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279. Uh, upgrade the lightning rifle
to Level Six and send it out.
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280. Mm. Six-level lightning.
That should get her attention.
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281. She'll have to intervene
on a treaty violation.
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282. So will we.
And you will get your lady back.
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283. Isn't that, like, dangerous?
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284. We're The Guild
of Calamitous Intent.
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285. We're the bad guys.
Own it, gentlemen.
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286. ST.
- Enh...
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287. Ow.
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288. I am Augustus St. Cloud,
archnemesis of the Quizboy.
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289. I'm here to bust things up
and chew bubble gum,
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290. and I find bubble gum
unpleasant.
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291. Oh, laddy boy.
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292. You chose the wrong place
to talk tough.
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293. Rose? Rose, dear?
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294. There's a wee little pest
in here!
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295. You're stronger
than anticipated.
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296. Oh, they're just water bugs,
Horace.
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297. Honestly!
Oh, hello there.
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298. He says he's here
to bust things up.
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299. Apparently he's
your son's nemesis.
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300. You want to hurt my Billy?
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301. Horace, put him down.
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302. Mama bear wants a piece
of that action.
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303. Oh, you're in for quite
the pummeling there, sonny.
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304. I'll let you take
the first swing,
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305. and if you don't put me down,
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306. I'll beat the living shit
out of you
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307. till my arthritis kicks in.
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308. And I just took my Humira.
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309. Ugh.
Who the hell is this now?
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310. Didn't you say I'm clear
for a while?
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311. This isn't for you.
It's for them.
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312. I'm sorry! I had to put
this place down as our sanctum.
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313. My place is filled
with helpless old people.
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314. What does it say?
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315. "I will get you.
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316. Mruu-haha."
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317. Who's Mruu-haha?
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318. It's an evil laugh, Billy.
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319. Wait a minute.
That's exactly how The Monarch
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320. spells his evil laugh...
with the stupid M-R and two U's.
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321. You think that's a coincidence?
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322. I think it just got personal.
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323. Boys, get your coats on.
We're stepping up our game.
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324. Pei put makeup on me.
How does it look?
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325. Less like an old woman
beat your face,
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326. but more like if Michael Kors
worked at the Wonka factory.
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327. Mm. Goody.
So, what's in the case?
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328. That, my Little Villain,
is your new lightning rifle.
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329. 21, why don't you tell him
what six figures gets you
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330. at the Guild company store?
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331. Rubberized titanium stock
and hand guard,
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332. air-assisted charging handle,
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333. activation bolt,
energy magazine release.
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334. Gives you 10 Level One-rated
blasts,
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335. regulated here
at the ejection port.
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336. Balance at the handle, which
doubles as a rear sight drum.
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337. And that's all the cookies
I need to sell
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338. to get my merit badge.
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339. Here. Give her a go.
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340. Owie.
I landed on my bum-bum.
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341. Ugh.
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342. Help him up and get him changed
for his arching.
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343. Damn it.
It was so cool until then.
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344. Four months?
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345. We need these costumes tonight,
like in a couple hours!
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346. Oh, you no just-a steal suits
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347. like-a this beautiful rogue
here?
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348. Ah! Enzo no stay mad.
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349. Rusty good man... mostly.
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350. Enzo.
Enzo?
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351. You don't have any old rentals
for special friends?
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352. You play-a Enzo's heartstrings!
Okay!
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353. For the pink man, yes,
but for him?
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354. He's like a bambino!
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355. Oh, but his head is like
big strong man,
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356. like a man
maybe six meters tall.
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357. Molto grande!
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358. I'll pay double rental.
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359. I want these guys invincible for
their first New York arching.
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360. Oh! First-a time?
So exciting.
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361. I set you up.
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362. But Enzo no hear that!
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363. Enzo, he know nothing.
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364. Hey, move that thing
out of here, buddy!
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365. Not gonna happen, pal.
The engine died.
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366. Will you take West 56th already?
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367. Agent McManus in position.
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368. Level One arches
are so cush these days.
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369. They never blocked traffic
for us when we were coming up.
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370. I smell pineapple.
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371. It is showtime.
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372. Should we go watch now?
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373. Mm. Yeah.
After I finish this latte.
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374. It was $9.
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375. Nine.
For a latte.
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376. Ugh.
Come on!
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377. You got to get out there!
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378. No way! I'm not wearing this!
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379. Billy, from 1962 till puberty,
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380. Delta Boy of Venus kicked ass
in that suit.
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381. It's nigh impenetrable.
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382. Now get out there
and kick some ass!
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383. It can't be any worse
than White's.
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384. Seriously.
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385. I really thought a guy
called Killer Drone
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386. would've had a cooler costume.
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387. Wow.
You look like a real superhero.
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388. You look like a can
of Diet Pepsi.
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389. At least I don't look like the
girl from the Blind Melon video.
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390. Well, her stinger
didn't shoot darts,
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391. and her wings
didn't actually work.
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392. Huh? Huh?
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393. Yeah. Okay.
These don't either.
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394. Billy Quizboy,
A storm is coming for you.
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395. Put on your rubbers.
Mm.
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396. Oh. So close.
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397. My God!
Don't improvise!
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398. Hear my thunder.
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399. Fear my lightning.
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400. W-What do we do? I don't have
any weapons or anything.
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401. Don't worry!
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402. White shoots darts
from his butt.
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403. Your job is to give
a heroic speech.
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404. Now get out there
and do me proud.
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405. It's Level One, Billy.
It's a show.
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406. He stuns you, you stun him,
he vows revenge,
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407. and then you tell him that good
always triumphs over evil.
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408. - Does it?
- Of course not.
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409. Now get out there
and get this crap over with.
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410. You're blocking traffic.
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411. Oh, and he's taken out
like it's trash day.
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412. Swing and a miss!
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413. Way to go, Venture!
Love the costumes!
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414. They look nothing like you
rescued them from Lidsville!
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415. Oh! He's coming out!
And he's facing the right way!
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416. Oh, you brought your albino?
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417. Coward.
I left mine at home.
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418. I'm not his albino.
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419. People don't own albinos!
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420. Eat my darts, St. Cloud!
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421. Ugh.
So undignified.
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422. Were we this bad
when we started?
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423. Agent McManus, O.S.I.
I'm shutting this down.
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424. I have suspicions that your man
has an unregistered rifle.
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425. Kimberly.
It's me... S-464.
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426. Oh, fantastic.
You're on daycare duty, too?
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427. Perfect.
Just great.
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428. And in the darkest night,
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429. even when you can't find
a flashlight that isn't, like,
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430. out of batteries or something,
good always prevails over evil.
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431. Take this, Quizboy.
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432. Oh. Oh.
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433. Evil laugh fail
and he's just gassed himself.
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434. Ah. Geez.
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435. What...
What's my wife doing here?
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436. W-What the hell?
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437. Is this laughing gas?
You... You moron!
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438. St. Cloud!
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439. You asshole!
It's go time!
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440. Oh, I'm so woozy.
White?
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441. I'm gonna puke
in my Delta Boy suit.
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442. Who has my rifle?
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443. The Peril Partnership are scum.
Honorless scum!
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444. I said I was done with you,
and I meant it!
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445. Oh, my God.
Will you give him a chance?
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446. I'm sorry.
Who are you?
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447. - Uh, excuse me?
- You heard me.
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448. Uh, listen, you O.S.I. lackey.
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449. I will wipe the floor
with your fat trucker ass.
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450. I don't care if he loves you,
set all this up,
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451. and is helping us spy on the
Peril Partnership all for you,
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452. 'cause I am going to kick
the shit out of you.
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453. You're a double agent?
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454. You did all this for me?
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455. - Why didn't you just tell me?
- No, no, no!
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456. Screw this happy-ending crap!
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457. This bitch is gonna get
a beatdown.
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458. Uh... Councilwoman Smith!
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459. I'm so glad
you answered my call.
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460. My Little Villain had a mishap
with his rifle.
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461. Why don't you two take off?
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462. There's gonna be
tons of paperwork,
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463. and, uh, there's no reason
to ruin all our nights.
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464. We will handle this.
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465. You would've lost your seat on
the council if you'd fought her.
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466. Thanks. You saved my life.
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467. No, I saved your job.
I just saved that woman's life.
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468. You would've kicked her ass!
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469. So he shoots me
with his rifle, right?
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470. And I thought, "I'm dead.
This is it."
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471. Me too!
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472. There were all these sparks
flying around him.
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473. But the suit, the giant suit,
it absorbs the blast,
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474. and there I am, still standing.
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475. And then I started
kicking him, right?
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476. Like "Goodfellas" style,
just... just whalin' on him.
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477. Beatin' on his rib cage
with his foot.
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478. Go get your damn shine box,
St. Cloud!
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479. White is just goin'
at his rib cage like it's...
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480. - like there's money in it.
- Right? Oh, totally!
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481. We housed him!
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482. When, uh, when are you
gonna tell 'em
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483. that they were hallucinating
on nitrous
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484. and, uh, we found the three
of them asleep in a little pile?
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485. Never.
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486. P.E.N.I.S.
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