The Venture Bros. 5x8

1. Huh?

2. Good morning.

3. Last night I drugged you boys

4. and had h.E.L.P.Er. take you to your new homes.

5. As your bodyguard, I must prepare you for the worst.

6. Your father is most likely dead.

7. He was crushed to death by a disco ball,

8. and his lifeless husk was taken by The Monarch.

9. Your godfathers have the rest of the info.

10. Get in, son. Welcome to Tangier.

11. They will raise you as their own sons from here on out.

12. After I write these notes, I plan on shooting myself,

13. then burning the Venture estate down.

14. Not really, but, again, that would be the worst,

15. and I want to prepare you for the worst,

16. 'cause I love you both.

17. Uncle Vatred.

18. Oh, good. You're up. Here.

19. Put this on and meet me out back.

20. Oh, and, uh, welcome to Boca Raton.

21. Son.

22. Poor little guy.

23. Is that your... pet?

24. Blackie died 15 years ago.

25. That's Entmann... first of Team Venture to go.

26. Gosh, I'm awful sorry.

27. "You are my pal, and you are my friend.

28. And your weird body, to heaven, I send.

29. When you were massive and full of size,

30. you gave me council, because you were wise.

31. Saying, 'Action Man, take it down a notch.

32. Stop just thinking with your Action crotch.'

33. And when you were shrunk down to a little mole,

34. you were able to swim laps in a little bowl.

35. Now you are dead 'cause of my chair.

36. I had no idea that you were there.

37. When I rocked back in repose,

38. you died and began to decompose."

39. Dude! What are you doing?

40. Venture tradition, son.

41. Oh. Uh, should I...

42. Nope. You're the youngest here.

43. You got to fertilize the ground to represent new life.

44. Drop 'em and squat.

45. Now, now, son. That's not a napkin, that's bread.

46. You scoop up your couscous with it.

47. Sorry. I'm used to bread-shaped bread.

48. Don't drink that. Dysentery.

49. You'll be crapping your brains out all over my antiques.

50. You'll learn the customs here in no time.

51. I hope I don't have to.

52. I really think my dad's okay, Mr. Gentleman.

53. "Mr. Gentleman"? You call me Pop-Pop.

54. Rebuilding Team Venture, old man?

55. Or just found yourself a new plaything?

56. Hey, you remember me, do you, laddie?

57. So, you might want to show me a little more respect.

58. Respect? You clowns were a joke

59. even before the Action Man went to rehab.

60. Sorry, the old ears don't hear so good anymore.

61. What was that? - You heard me.

62. Dean, be a good boy and go pick a song on the jukebox.

63. This man wants to dance with your Pop-Pop.

64. Okay.

65. He's a little young... even for you.

66. Are you sure you want to have a fight?

67. 'Cause I'm only go use a thumb.

68. Uh... the left one.

69. The right one's too powerful for you.

70. I'd love to see that.

71. I didn't specify my thumb.

72. I know you're there. You move, and I shoot.

73. Oh, no, Gary.

74. Please don't shoot me with your stick.

75. Eh, it's all I...

76. Yeah, blah, blah. Look, I need your help.

77. How'd you find me?

78. Idiot, you're camping on our property.

79. How dumb do you think I am? - Uh, very?

80. Yeah, I'd love to keep playing this game with you,

81. but we got problems.

82. The Monarch has Doc. - How did that happen?

83. Doc crashed a party at Don Hell's.

84. Whoa! Not smart.

85. Villain nightclub. Bad people in there.

86. So, are you in? I know it's touchy for you,

87. and you'll probably baby out on me,

88. but I also know that you're a good man...

89. under all that pudge.

90. Yeah, I'm pudgy. And you're wearing

91. a bulletproof vest made from an old couch, I assume.

92. Yeah, I'm in. Let's bring him home.

93. Did you just cock your stick?

94. Yeah. Whatever. So, I just... so, what?

95. So, you ready? I am gonna wet myself.

96. Calm down! I'm almost done.

97. Hey, what about putting him in the one

98. with a hungry rat in a cage that he wears as a mask?

99. It'll eat his nose.

100. I told you... rats, piranhas,

101. sharks, and badgers are too much hassle.

102. No animals. - Okay!

103. Hey, what about just straight-up flaying, huh?

104. But as a sinister twist... Ice knife?

105. Oh, put that one down.

106. Just wait for me to finish.

107. I can't wait. I'm so excited!

108. All right. All right, all right.

109. Calm down, now. Work on the old list.

110. Nifty, nifty little listy.

111. Number 15... ice knife.

112. Okay, I'm calm now.

113. Everything's cool. - Good.

114. Broken glass in ears, question mark.

115. I just peed myself a little.

116. Sweetie, please, relax.

117. I really appreciate this.

118. I'm only doing it 'cause it's against Guild regulations

119. to torture somebody with an unattended injury.

120. Yeah, not buying it. I know you're the softie here.

121. Not my first time at the rodeo.

122. Rodeo's over, baldy. You're hog-tied.

123. I'm just waiting for my husband

124. to pick out a barbecue sauce to spread on you.

125. - Ow! - Yeah, dislocated. Figured.

126. I know you clowns aren't gonna do anything.

127. You never do.

128. Yeah, he may not be very good at it, but he loves it,

129. and I love him, so you better play along.

130. How about you pop my hip back in place,

131. and I send you a little tax-free donation?

132. You are gonna cry in agony if my husband tickles you.

133. You will plea for your life if he gives you a back rub.

134. You will try to escape just so he can catch you.

135. Why... would I do that?

136. Because if you don't, I will straight-up

137. just slit your throat.

138. No, no. You wouldn't do that.

139. - Don't underestimate a woman in love, Dr. Venture.

140. So, you allergic to epinephrine?

141. No, I'm not allergic to any anesthetics.

142. And I'm not allergic to hand lotion,

143. if you, uh, want to give me a happy ending.

144. Nah.

145. Don't start without me!

146. All right. Now, just like we rehearsed, okay?

147. That's her.

148. That delicious piece of randy candy over there.

149. Check.

150. Hello, Rose. Uh, mind if I...

151. Yes, I was just leaving anyway.

152. Okay.

153. Oh, dear. What is the matter?

154. Oh, it's been a heck of a year, Rose.

155. L-I lost my wife, my best friend,

156. and now my... my son is hooked on rock 'n' roll.

157. Rock 'n' roll?

158. Rodney, that's the devil's music.

159. Hey, old man. I was just playing my bass

160. at a volume that's unreasonable.

161. Can you give me some money to buy records

162. with clear warning labels?

163. Oh, Rose.

164. You got to help me straighten him out.

165. You ain't never gonna stop me from overly sexualized dancing

166. and dressing like an indigent.

167. Loud rock music!

168. The devil has a grip on you.

169. You've got to fight him, sweetie.

170. You have to fight him with show tunes.

171. Show tunes? If I play them backwards,

172. will they make me want to try reefer cigarette marijuanas?

173. Oh, heaven's no.

174. They will make you want to solve problems in song.

175. And with dancing.

176. Gosh, I think I'd like to get hooked on show tunes now.

177. I've been so wrong about everything.

178. You're the best father in the world!

179. Aw, shucks, son.

180. I couldn't have done it without Rose, here.

181. - You sure do make a great team.

182. Hey, Pop, maybe she'd like to have dinner with us?

183. Oh, don't be silly. I'm sure Rose is very...

184. Oh, yes, young man, I would love to dine with you.

185. So, start the watch when Salem comes on screen,

186. then stop it when he's off.

187. Then you write the time down

188. and indicate whether it was that crappy puppet

189. or an actual cat.

190. Are all these tapes "Sabrina, The Teenage Witch"?

191. Well, obviously, son.

192. It's the only show that starred Salem the Cat.

193. Now, once you finish that,

194. you get to take dictation for "I Gentleman,"

195. the third installment of my autobiographical thrillogy.

196. Oh, look at this place. Nothing changed.

197. Kept it just the way I left it.

198. Hey, how far is the floor from my feet?

199. Oh, like a yard.

200. Aw, they got me a Guild Calamity Conference shirt.

201. Yard. That was like 5 feet.

202. Aww, it says I'm his best henchman.

203. It's a t-shirt. So what?

204. You got any weapons? - Under the bed.

205. The Ventures never gave me a t-shirt.

206. Boo-hoo. I tattooed a "V" on my face,

207. and I still got to pay for my own food.

208. Where's your costume? - Why do you do it?

209. What? Bodyguard? It's all the same.

210. Sergeant Hatred, Uncle Vatred...

211. Same old war horse fighting for what he cares about.

212. Well, what do you care about?

213. Fighting.

214. Yeah, just point me at a cause, and I'll do the rest.

215. You know, I can't believe we're so similar.

216. How come we never got close?

217. 'Cause I don't trust you, and 'cause you're a dork.

218. And this is a toy chest.

219. - That's a display cabinet for collectibles, my friend.

220. It's at the bottom. That's my old one.

221. It might still smell like soup.

222. That's horrible. What is that?

223. Soup.

224. Okay. I'm so ready.

225. Let's do this. - You wanna rehearse again?

226. No, I got this one down.

227. You just gotta remember that after I do the sinister laugh,

228. cross your arms and look at me like I'm the shit.

229. You want me to do the, uh...

230. No, no. That's too "King and l."

231. Keep it believable.

232. He fights the zeitgeist with polite might.

233. Okay. Showtime.

234. Hello, Dr. Venture.

235. Are you prepared to die? - Who's there?

236. Oh. Why did you blindfold him?

237. I'm all dressed up!

238. We Westerners know nothing of torture.

239. We simply nail a man's balls to a chair.

240. Where is the poetry?

241. Ah, in the East, they know

242. the exquisite beauty of torture.

243. There they've turned a sound that makes virgins weep

244. into a sound that makes a man roar with suffering.

245. What? Can't hear squat in here.

246. Where am I?

247. The bell!

248. Labelle? Patti Labelle?

249. The Bell! When rung at full peal,

250. the vibrations pierce the body like sharp knives

251. that pull at the muscles and burst the veins.

252. The bones twist and crack

253. in relative silence to the cries of...

254. The Bell!

255. Right there.

256. I pay how much to live in a gated neighborhood,

257. and some loser cranks a Mike Oldfield album?

258. What's next... Pink Floyd?

259. Have another toke, hippie.

260. What? Nothing? Are you serious?

261. What can I tell you?

262. I spent most of my childhood in a supersonic jet.

263. Oh, I mean, oh! I think my kidneys burst!

264. Please, no more bursting of my... kidneys.

265. The bell, dot, dot, dot, sucks.

266. Three exclamation points.

267. You're finished, Brainulo!

268. By now, Jonas and Otto have realigned the missile.

269. It's over.

270. You may have bested my judo lizards,

271. but you won't fare as well with your next opponents.

272. We won't fight each other, Brainulo!

273. E-Each other? Aw...

274. I wish I thought of that.

275. Oh, it really seems obvious now, doesn't it?

276. - It's all but a cliché, you idiot.

277. How did you miss that? - I don't know.

278. But I did come up with something more sinister.

279. Prepare yourself to fight... your crushes...

280. Triple Threat and Jass.

281. - Nobody for Humongoloid? - Be realistic, big guy.

282. You're sweet on Jass, really?

283. Look at him.

284. He's like a blade of sexual grass

285. swaying in the breeze.

286. Arrow straight, believe it or not.

287. So, Triple Threat?

288. It's that goody-goody thing.

289. I just wanna get all animal on her and show her my filth.

290. Was that the doorbell?

291. I think so. Do you wanna stop here?

292. Mischa! Who's that, girl?

293. Is that Kiki? Is that Kiki?

294. That's my puppy. There's a girl.

295. All right, Dean. Put a pin in that story.

296. Have to have it out with Kiki.

297. That Amber tramp's been playing me for a fool.

298. I've been trying to drill Rose for, like, 40 years.

299. It's like a damn obsession.

300. You grease those gears, and you can name your price.

301. All right. I'm gonna need $50 cash,

302. Stingray bass, and a ride home,

303. 'cause this whole place smells like Dinty Moore Beef Stew.

304. - Done, done, and done. - Super swear?

305. If you can get me time with Rose,

306. I'll swear on the only thing holy to me.

307. Go, Team Venture.

308. 21?

309. Hey, so glad you're back, man.

310. This place sucks now. Moppets?

311. Dude, they're pretty much running crap in here.

312. Uh... hello.

313. What's that blue stuff on your face?

314. It's, uh... ice. Icicles.

315. W-T-FUCK are you doing?

316. You made me hit a guy on my softball team.

317. Yeah, that was... hey, you saved me.

318. I didn't think you would. - Oh, dude, don't get all

319. Sarah Mclachlan dog commercial on me.

320. Uh, I'm not, I'm just... Aww, get over here.

321. Can we hug later?

322. You've got to go to the cell blocks on the lower level.

323. I'm gonna check the bridge. - Check.

324. I won't let you down... buddy.

325. Well, isn't that interesting.

326. Oh, don't worry.

327. I'm not going into that cavity.

328. That nerve's already dying.

329. A live, freshly cut nerve is infinitely more sensitive.

330. What?

331. I can smell your fear.

332. Ugh, and your fear smells just like cat food.

333. Ugh!

334. Sorry, I had shrimp in garlic butter last night.

335. L-I can't... ugh. It... it's just really bad.

336. How do you even stand having that be your mouth?

337. Ugh. No. No.

338. Well, then just get out, then! I'm tired of it.

339. Who this one?

340. Him new lover for Mr. Gentleman?

341. That's my son.

342. Are you leaving, or should I throw you out?

343. No. Kiki leave. Kiki have new man.

344. Great! Have fun.

345. Maybe when he kicks his coke habit,

346. your new man will kick you like he does all his boys!

347. L... um... I arranged the first two chapters for you

348. and then made a chapter for your lists.

349. Yes. Yes, let's get back to my lists.

350. If you want to talk about this...

351. Colonel Gentleman's List of Things Not to Do.

352. Number one... get involved with a person 1/3 your age.

353. You hear me, Dean?

354. Uh, I can safely promise that I won't get involved with a 6-year-old.

355. Number two... Retire to a country

356. where your sexual preference is a capital offense.

357. Number three... Stay past your welcome.

358. This place used to be a paradise.

359. That pretty peacock Yves Saint Laurent

360. lived right there.

361. Burroughs, Capote, Forbes, Kerouac, Ginsberg...

362. Ah, Ginsberg, that eager little puppy.

363. I miss 'em.

364. They're all gone, Dean. And here I am.

365. Should I be writing this down?

366. Yes, but not for my memoirs.

367. For me, so I can look at my life.

368. What am I doing here?

369. Doc?

370. Psst. Doc? You in here?

371. Looking for someone?

372. Where's Doc?

373. He's being tortured by The Monarch and 21.

374. You're such a sucker, man.

375. Fat boy been playing you the whole time.

376. He would never... You're lying!

377. Whatever. Show this man out...

378. and treat him appropriately... Use the garbage chute.

379. Show me the garbage chute, will you?

380. You're the garbage here!

381. You're a bunch of lying... garbage people.

382. Where the hell is everybody?

383. Well, hello, traitor.

384. Security to the throne room.

385. Well, look who it is.

386. Yeah, I was tipped off by your new best friend.

387. I gave him Dr. Venture

388. and he sold you out like you were nothing,

389. so why don't you put these on

390. and we'll go have a chat with The Monarch?

391. All right, yeah. Let's.

392. Let's show him how you two are taking over the cocoon.

393. He'll never believe you.

394. Oh, he'll believe his best henchman

395. over a lying murderer.

396. I know it was you guys.

397. Seize the traitor!

398. Wait! The Moppets have broken our most sacred law.

399. They killed henchman 24. Hench has killed Hench.

400. Hench has killed Hench. Hench has killed Hench.

401. Hench has killed Hench...

402. We didn't! He's a liar and a traitor!

403. - Seize him! - Hench has killed Hench.

404. I can prove he's lying. Idiots! He's getting away!

405. Forget it.

406. We looked everywhere for that goddamn extension cord.

407. I'm done. I'm done. - What are you doing?

408. I'm untying you and letting you go.

409. About time Team Venture rescued me.

410. Nobody came to rescue you.

411. Look, nobody even answered my ransom calls.

412. Well, maybe if you hold me longer.

413. I... I'm sure somebody's working on a rescue plan.

414. Forget it. We lose. We're wash-ups. Losers.

415. You know my best henchman left me?

416. Yeah. He's been hanging around my place.

417. That wouldn't have happened if Brock was still around.

418. Be happy you don't have dwarves taking over your life.

419. You haven't met my brother, apparently.

420. Oh, yeah. He's really doing well, huh?

421. Yeah, I have that with my wife.

422. She was just tapped for the Council of 13,

423. so my old number two will be my boss.

424. That's nothing.

425. My new bodyguard is my old archenemy.

426. Yeah, that's messed up.

427. All right. Well... Guess you should just go home.

428. Can you even call it a home?

429. Is it just a box full of memories?

430. All right. Um... can I get a ride?

431. No, no. Can't.

432. I gotta tell the wife you escaped and...

433. well, you understand.

434. Yeah, no. So, uh... should I just...

435. Yeah, let yourself out.

436. Uh, break a couple of things. Make it look good.

437. God. I liked being tortured more than this here.

438. This is... ugh.

439. I'm just so damn lonely, Rose.

440. Let's give it a shot.

441. We're just too different, Rodney.

442. You're a womanizer and a junkie.

443. Oh, no. That all ended.

444. I was faithful to Jeannie 'til the day she died.

445. And junkie? I-I was a dang super soldier.

446. Jonas had me on jump juice

447. for the good of flag and country.

448. I kicked that years ago.

449. Rodney, that's just a bushel of baloney.

450. Wait a minute. That voice!

451. L-I finally figured out why you're so familiar.

452. Do you have a son named Billy?

453. Uh, big head, eye patch, metal hand,

454. probably a midget?

455. Yes. Oh, my little water baby.

456. Oh, I haven't seen him in years.

457. He moved in with a man.

458. I think he was afraid I'll disapprove of his...

459. lifestyle choice.

460. I don't even know where he is anymore.

461. Well, I do. He's my neighbor.

462. Hey, how about you two come visit me back home?

463. You and Uncle Rodney and my new bass

464. and your little water baby can have a nice reunion.

465. Yes. Well, that sounds just elegant.

466. All right, Gary.

467. Judas. Betray me, will you?

468. Oh, ho, a reckoning's coming, buddy.

469. A reckoning is coming!

470. Sweetie, Dr. Venture escaped!

471. No, he didn't. I let him go.

472. What? Are you okay? Why did you let him go?

473. Because I broke him!

474. I broke his will! I broke his spirit.

475. Oh, my lovely, naive little girl,

476. how easy it is to break a bone,

477. but to break a man's heart... That takes genius.

478. Physical torture? Wounds heal.

479. But mental torture?

480. Those wounds only grow and fester.

481. I have crushed Dr. Venture!

482. You know I'm the shit! - I am so turned on.

483. You have to do me right now.

484. Come. Service your evil genius.

485. Oh, uh... hey, you guys.

486. I'm, uh... I'm home?

487. Attention, Gary.

488. It's your old pal, Sergeant Hatred.

489. Come out with your hands up, or I will...

490. Oh. Oh, that's a missile.

491. Oh, boy. That is on all kinds of fire.

492. It's heading for the house and it is on fire.

493. Gary, I still hate you,

494. but you gotta get out of there!

495. You got to evacuate, man!

496. Oh, the humanity!

497. L-I'm just gonna go now and, uh...

498. we'll pick this up another time.

499. What the fuck was that?

500. Our cocoon.

501. That sucked.

502. Who the fuck is Gary?

503. Oh, it's so romantic.

504. We're moving into the house you were raised in.

505. It's like a fairy tale.

506. Uh, it didn't look quite this bad when I was a kid.

507. Yeah, it looks like the kind of place

508. that has creepy, wet Asian kids crawling on the ceiling.

509. He's a lying, two-timing little so-and-so,

510. and I broke bread with him!

511. I even broke heads with him.

512. You can't take it personally.

513. Oh, just watch me!

514. Just play along. It's not gonna kill you.

515. Why would you tell your mom I'm gay?

516. I didn't tell her. I just didn't deny it.

517. She sent us that China and the sideboard.

518. White, you love that sideboard.

519. So, this is Peter.

520. He's as handsome as you said he was, Billy.

521. You said I was handsome?

522. Yeah, it's a little brownstone on Christopher Street.

523. You can bring Rose. What do you say?

524. If you don't mind the sound of old people having sex,

525. you've got yourself a roommate.

526. Dean, you look like someone died.

527. This is a funeral, Hank.

528. No, I mean, like, all the time.

529. You've been a mess this whole year, man.

530. You've got to tell me what's eating you.

531. You want to know, Hank? Okay, fine.

532. I'm sick of keeping it in, so I'll just tell you.

533. We... are... clones, Hank.

534. Our whole lives... It's a lie.

535. We're not really Hank and Dean anymore.

536. We've died like 13 times,

537. and now we're copies of ourselves.

538. We're clones.

539. Clones.

540. Dean... that is awesome.

541. You're... You're not upset?

542. About what?

543. That I'm, like, some kind of super-cool,

544. probably magic, Highlander cyborg clone?

545. Uh, no.

546. Hey, just one more reason it's great to be a Venture.

547. Goodbye, old friend.

548. Hope you're happy in your new resting place.

549. Okay, who's the youngest?

550. Don't look at me.

551. Dean, son! We need you over here.

552. Oh, you're gonna love this.