1. You're probably asking yourself —
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2. how did it all come to this?
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3. How did I get here when there were
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4. so many paths I could have chosen?
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5. Great! I need this now, too?
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6. Yet another dead end, Venture!
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7. And as you look back on your pathetic life,
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8. you'll see that it was all just one long,
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9. winding, inevitable road
to this very moment...
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10. But I won't let you off
that easily, Venture.
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11. You will have your date with death,
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12. but she's gonna have to sit this one out...
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13. for the Monarch has the first dance!
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14. Dance! Dance, little man!
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15. How does it feel to be a
helpless puppet of fate?
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16. Oh, sorry.
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17. We're gonna have to
pick it up here another time.
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18. What?
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19. It's Wednesday night.
I have my therapy.
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20. What the hell is he talking about?
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21. Uh, new Guild clemency clause.
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22. Mental health arch exclusion.
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23. Let me see that.
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24. Oh, damn it to— Ah-ha!
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25. It says here you're
excused only if you have
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26. a note from your doctor.
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27. Got one right here.
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28. It's, uh, it's in my pocket.
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29. Well, Venture, if I can't murder you today,
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30. at least it would appear
I have finally succeeded
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31. in driving you insane!
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32. That's not necessarily true.
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33. People see therapists
for all kinds of reasons.
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34. Man, when my wife left me,
I went through a pretty bad—
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35. Okay, henchmen! That's a wrap!
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36. Abort mayhem, and fall in!
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37. Hey, hey hey! What's with the bitching?
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38. You don't want a night off?
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39. You got lucky this time, old man.
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40. Oh, in your dreams, fat back!
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41. So... I don't know.
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42. Sometimes I wish I could
just be a normal kid,
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43. and go out and play with
kids my own age and stuff.
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44. The only people I get to
hang out with are grown-ups.
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45. The only time I get to leave the compound
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46. is to go someplace creepy,
like the Bermuda Triangle.
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47. And then I get kidnapped.
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48. By grown-ups.
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49. And I'm not even sure
I wanna be a super scientist
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50. when I grow up anyway.
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51. But I feel all this pressure
because of my fa—
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52. It feels weird telling you all this stuff.
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53. Remember, Rusty —
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54. in here, I'm your doctor, not your father.
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55. Now let's get back to it, shall we?
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56. You were telling me how
you're ungrateful for all
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57. the opportunities your
father has given you,
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58. and you blame me for all your problems.
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59. So, you can see why I've been reluctant
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60. to go back into therapy.
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61. Well, I hope you'll find this a
much healthier environment
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62. in which to begin a new adventure...
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63. of healing.
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64. Because you're not in it alone anymore.
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65. Everyone, let's all welcome
Rusty to our little group.
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66. Hi, Rusty!
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67. Everyone here can relate to
what you're going through, Rusty.
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68. As boy adventurers,
they've been there, too.
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69. So, I think maybe a good
way for us to get started tonight
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70. is if we just quickly go around the room,
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71. and each of you tells
Rusty a little about yourself
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72. and your journey to the group.
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73. Me first?
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74. Well, I have a bit of an eating disorder.
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75. Nooo.
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76. Lance, wait your turn.
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77. As a superhero sidekick,
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78. I led a very active, athletic lifestyle.
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79. But when I turned 18, and I was,
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80. shall we say, replaced with a newer model,
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81. uh, I started putting the weight on.
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82. Then I'd eat more because I was depressed.
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83. And...
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84. I have abandonment issues?
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85. More?
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86. Tell Rusty your name.
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87. Oh, well, that's a tricky one.
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88. Uh, yeah, the latest
drama in my caped crusade
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89. against Captain Sunshine's lawyers
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90. is I get to keep most of the costume,
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91. but I'm no longer allowed
to call myself Wonder Boy
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92. when I appear in public.
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93. Mall openings.
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94. - Lance.
- My turn?
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95. Um, Lance Hale.
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96. One half of the world-famous Hale brothers.
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97. Boy detectives? You've heard of us.
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98. I'm here because my
allegedly twin brother Dale
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99. is still having trouble getting
over our father's death.
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100. Still...
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101. I can still see his face
through the soft focus
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102. of the steam from his pooling blood
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103. as he lay sputtering on the cold linoleum.
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104. Punch buggy depressing!
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105. Nobody wants to hear that crap, Dale.
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106. Sorry.
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107. We didn't just lose our dad that night.
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108. His murder remains our
only unsolved case ever.
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109. We had to quit the business
because the shame was just—
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110. Pfft! Yeah.
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111. Retiring at 30 on Daddy's famous fortune
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112. must have been real hard on you.
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113. For your information, Action Junkie,
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114. he bequeathed most of it to
the local boy detective academy.
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115. We hardly got dick
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116. because nothing we did
was ever good enough for him!
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117. He did leave us that nice car.
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118. It's totally fucking cherry!
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119. But that is not the point, Dale.
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120. And don't interrupt me again or
I'll swear I'll so fucking sock you.
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121. Uh, Johnny, how about you
tell Rusty why you're here.
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122. Ah, Rusty knows me from
way back, so we can skip—
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123. just go to Ro-Boy.
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124. Hi, hi, Doctor Venture.
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125. My name is Ro-Boy—
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126. But I just wanna point out I'm only here
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127. 'cause Action Johnny had himself
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128. a little run-in with Johnny Law
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129. and was ordered to attend by Johnny Judge.
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130. Not my fault. Somebody else's.
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131. Interesting.
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132. Group, do you see how
Johnny views his whole world
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133. as some sort of cabal of Johnnies who
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134. are conspiring to undermine him?
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135. That's what we call paranoid projection,
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136. and it's a classic expression
of narcissistic rage.
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137. It's a figure of speech, dude.
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138. And the judge's name was actually John.
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139. It's, like, the most
common name in the world.
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140. Wrong! That would be Muhammed.
Googled it.
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141. Lance, the Blackberry
stays off during share time.
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142. That goes for everyone.
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143. Please turn off all cell phones,
view comms,
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144. 2-way TV wrist communciators,
what have you.
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145. Beep boop.
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146. What was that?
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147. I... just turned off the
radio in my utility belt,
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148. like he said to.
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149. You said "beep boop." With your mouth.
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150. No, I didn't. Leave me alone.
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151. Boys, this is really
something we can get into
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152. during our confessionals.
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153. Ten bucks for a dang movie,
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154. another ten for popped corn,
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155. and then they got the
gall to make you sit through
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156. a bunch of paid advertisements.
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157. Ugh, that Kid Rock one for the army...
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158. Look, there's a whole
empty row right there.
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159. Let's just move up one.
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160. It's too close for my kinetosis.
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161. I get nauseous during the battles.
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162. Awful lot of kids here, huh?
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163. You're never too young for enchantment.
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164. What is— No!
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165. No, no, no!
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166. Aw, come on!
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167. My dad's lab was like a
pharmacological candy store,
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168. so I started real young.
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169. Next thing I know,
I'm blowing lines of voodoo powder
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170. off the back of a monkey's paw
I bought in Calcutta.
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171. Now I'm all out of wishes.
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172. I wasn't even allowed to wear long pants
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173. until I left for college.
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174. Is it any wonder I didn't lose my virginity
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175. until I was over 20?
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176. So dumb-ass here is so
freaked out by the mess,
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177. he forgets 20 years of detective training
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178. and actually picks up the shotgun
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179. with his bare hands.
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180. Well, I just instinctively reached out
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181. to stop him, of course.
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182. And so, that's how both our sets of prints
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183. ended up on the murder weapon.
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184. I tried to be good.
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185. I just can't help myself sometimes.
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186. When I see a giant robot I just get so mad,
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187. I wanna beat them up!
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188. And then I wanna burn them!
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189. Sometimes I wanna burn the whole world!
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190. I mean, I can't even get an erection now
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191. unless I'm tied to a chair with
a timebomb taped to my chest.
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192. From this, the realm of the Spider King
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193. through the realm of the Tree People,
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194. to the realm...
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195. Awful lot of realms in this thing.
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196. Hey, the little feller with the ax,
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197. what's his deal again?
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198. That's Grimsby. He's a troll.
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199. I like him. He's got moxie.
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200. Shh! It's unbelievable!
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201. Who comes to the last movie in a trilogy
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202. without seeing the first two?
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203. Hot cha! Who's that fresh tomato?
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204. - Shh!
- That's Anastos.
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205. He's the prince of the Elven realm.
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206. He? That's a fella?
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207. My God, he's beautiful!
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208. He looks like a, like a little
white chocolate doll boy.
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209. Technically, his people
don't have a gender.
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210. And they don't age.
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211. They just stay 13 forever!
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212. What? Did Henry Darger write this?
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213. What the hell kind of movie
did you drag me to?
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214. Shh!
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215. Why don't you shush those wings?
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216. Hey, don't blame me, man.
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217. We wouldn't be sitting here
if your dad didn't pull a section 8.
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218. Yeah, and you're not
allowed to arch us without him.
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219. Who's arching? I'm trying to watch a movie.
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220. Well, you're ruining my
whole cinematic experience.
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221. And that totally counts as arching.
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222. I can't take it!
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223. I gotta get outta here.
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224. Excuse me. Pardon.
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225. I'm an angry native. Booga boogal!
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226. What are you gonna do!
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227. - Uh, shoot him?
- You don't have a gun.
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228. Uh, get a grown-up to shoot him?
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229. You're all alone in this jungle.
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230. Er? Run and hide?
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231. No more running! No more hiding.
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232. Confront your problem head on!
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233. Okay, uh.
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234. - How about just talking to him.
- T-Talking?
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235. Yes, he's an angry native
but he's also a person.
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236. Start a dialogue.
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237. Uh, okay. Um...
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238. Why you guys always chase me with spears?
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239. You parked your giant iron Thunderbird
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240. on my ancestors' burial ground.
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241. I did?
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242. I'm afraid you're a trickster God
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243. who will woo my women away
and fly them to your sky hut.
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244. Well, I... I did not know that.
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245. I'm... sorry?
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246. I accept your apology. Now hug me.
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247. I don't— I don't—
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248. O—Okay.
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249. There. See how easy that was?
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250. We all have our own inner angry natives.
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251. And our minds invent a million ways
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252. to avoid confronting them directly.
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253. But if you just look them in the eye
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254. and ask them why they're
chasing you with spears,
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255. you just might learn something...
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256. about yourself.
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257. Question?
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258. Uh, yeah.
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259. In my line of boy adventuring,
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260. I didn't really deal
with angry natives, so...
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261. Yeah, us neither.
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262. Then call them whatever works
for your specific genre's idiom.
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263. Inner international
jewel thief, for instance.
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264. Inner supervillain.
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265. Inner jelly doughnut...
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266. Inner giant robot works.
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267. Johnny, you can stop
hugging the native now.
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268. Come on, guys.
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269. By the way, you never bothered
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270. to ask the little fella his name.
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271. Oh! Um...
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272. Eh, what's— what's your name?
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273. Chemical Dependence.
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274. See what I just did there?
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275. Ahhhhh...
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276. Okay, um, Dr. Venture, it's your turn.
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277. All right, but uh, just do me a favor
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278. and whisper your name to me
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279. when we get to that part, okay?
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280. Ow! Charlie horse.
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281. Okay, so...
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282. Oh, we're up to the hug already?
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283. Uh, what is this? Like,
a primal scream thing?
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284. Am I supposed to—
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285. What happened?
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286. Did I just kill Premature Ejaculation?
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287. Holy vanishing vitals! He's dead!
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288. Oh, man! Oh, man!
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289. Too heavy. This is too heavy!
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290. Get out of there, Dale.
What are you trying to do?
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291. Detective work, Lance. Remember that?
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292. Rusty, smell the tea.
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293. Poison?
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294. Chamomile.
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295. But there is something else.
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296. It's familiar, but I can't—
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297. What the hell is Ro-Boy doing?
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298. Why won't he reboot?
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299. Doesn't he have one of these?
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300. Holy rigormortis.
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301. Ro-Boy made something reboot.
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302. Check it out.
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303. Whoa! Whoa! Out of the way!
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304. Dudes, get back!
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305. That is a Vietnamese two-step viper!
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306. One bite, and you're dead
before you take two steps.
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307. There's no such thing.
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308. Yeah, I'm making it up.
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309. It's right there, dude!
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310. That ain't a fucking hologram,
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311. or an old lighthouse keeper
in a rubber mask, okay?
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312. I mean there's no such snake.
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313. - That's an urban myth.
- Bro's right. I googled it.
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314. Hey, Encyclopedia Brown-noser,
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315. can you Google this thing
the hell away from me?
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316. Don't panic, Rusty.
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317. I carry snake repellant in my utility belt.
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318. I used to.
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319. Okay, panic.
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320. Why does it want me?
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321. Snake pheromones.
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322. Why?
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323. Nice work, Ro-Boy.
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324. Johnny, you're getting his files?
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325. Uh, no, I was getting prescription pads.
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326. But you want the files? Cool.
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327. Wait, wait, why do you want his files?
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328. The doctor treated a
lot of shady characters
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329. in his other groups.
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330. I bet you real money one
of them had it out for him.
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331. Stop this. We're retired.
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332. Don't drag us into another mystery.
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333. The man tried to help us.
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334. We owe it to him. And to Dad.
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335. So maybe the guy was, what, into snakes?
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336. You don't know he was murdered.
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337. Oh, no? What's wrong with this picture?
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338. I wanna have sex with that bird?
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339. Did the doctor strike
you at all as a smoker?
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340. Holy clue and a half!
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341. The murderer must've dropped it.
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342. Exactly. No, no, don't touch that— Okay.
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343. Hey, I know this place.
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344. 'Bout five miles from here.
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345. And it ain't the kind of joint
the doc would hang out in.
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346. If you know what I mean.
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347. Then what do you say, boy adventurers?
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348. No! No!
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349. What the —
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350. Yar! I'm Anastos, prince of Elves!
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351. Well, Daphne, I believe.
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352. She got around quite a bit. But Velma?
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353. I always thought she was a—
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354. Everybody did.
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355. But I got a pack of
herpes that say otherwise.
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356. Hey, spark me up, Pyro-Boy.
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357. Sure thing!
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358. You guys ready to do this?
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359. Are you, Mr. Sweater?
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360. Could get rough in there.
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361. Don't worry, we boy detectives
know how to play hard.
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362. Yeah!
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363. Oh, yeah, we're having us
a little man adventure now.
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364. Ooh, there, that guy in the back.
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365. I recognize his face from the files.
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366. He's from the Thursday night
henchman recovery group.
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367. He is definitely not working his program.
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368. I've seen that guy before.
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369. He used to be a hench for Dr. Z.
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370. Shoulda known he was behind this.
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371. How's it going, Johnny?
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372. Sup, Francis? You're in my way, there.
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373. You've been banned, junkie.
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374. Now turn around and take
your little faggot friends with you.
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375. Or I'm gonna have to get rough with you.
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376. Hey, underpants!
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377. You mess with one boy adventurer,
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378. you mess with all of us.
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379. I think they were hoping you'd say that.
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380. Looks like you got a little
herpe on your lip there.
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381. You been kissing your wife's ass...
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382. after I put herpe in there.
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383. What?
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384. Oh, no he didn't.
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385. Yeah, yeah!
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386. Even diarrhea doesn't take this long.
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387. Where could he be?
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388. Wait, I think he called.
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389. I have, like, 12 messages.
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390. Nobody's ever left me a message before.
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391. - What do I do?
- Here.
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392. Yeah, hey, boys.
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393. Sorry to punk out on ya like that.
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394. But, I...
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395. I am backsliding big time.
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396. I had to run home to get my meds, so.
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397. Hey, boys, I'm all outta meds!
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398. And the O.S.I. folks,
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399. they don't seem to be answering my calls,
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400. so, getting a little antsy,
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401. and I've locked myself in the panic room.
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402. Oh, hey.
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403. Thought I called Princess Tinyfeet.
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404. But while I got ya on the horn,
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405. I might as well tell ya
I've been drinking again.
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406. No big surprise there!
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407. Hey, um, can we get a ride?
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408. Dude, tell me you didn't walk out
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409. before the credits were over!
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410. Okay, minor setback fellas.
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411. He was just a puppet anyway.
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412. We want the man pulling the strings.
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413. Hey, how are those balls doing, Rust?
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414. Spirit is up and roving,
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415. but Opportunity hasn't
come back online yet.
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416. All right, everyone get ready for action.
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417. Trick or treat, old man.
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418. What? Okay. Hold on.
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419. I didn't realize it was the 31st already.
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420. We have only some old
sour balls and Kraft caramels.
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421. Cut the crap, Z!
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422. Ah, if it isn't Action Johnny.
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423. To what do I owe this pleasure?
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424. Come to steal an old
man's medication again?
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425. I think you know why we're here.
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426. Big tough guy when you have
your friends with you, aren't you?
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427. - Hello again, Rusty.
- Dr. Z.
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428. Why'd you kill him, Z? To get to me?
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429. I have no idea what you're talking about.
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430. I have not arched you in years.
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431. Why would I? You're nothing but a punk!
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432. You're gonna tell me
you didn't send your flunky
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433. to murder our therapist with
a Vietnamese two-step viper?
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434. When Dr. Z harasses you, you'll know it.
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435. A giant metal crab would
tear the roof off of your trailer.
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436. No less than six suicidal assassins
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437. would spring from its belly!
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438. I would never stoop to striking at you
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439. through some civilian proxy.
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440. And I certainly would not
do it with a made-up snake!
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441. Lazlo, who's at the door?
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442. Just some old friends, my lovely.
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443. Are they hungry?
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444. Sergeant Hatred?
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445. Come on, open up.
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446. We want to help you!
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447. Now, boys, I locked myself
in here for your safety.
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448. I'm gonna be okay.
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449. I know what I have to do now.
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450. So just back away from the door,
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451. and go hide someplace I can't see you.
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452. Uncle Hatred's gonna
calmly exit the panic room
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453. and head straight for the hangar.
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454. What's in the hangar? More medicine?
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455. We can get it for you.
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456. No, I'm taking the X-1
and I'm going to Thailand!
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457. Just for a little while, just so I can buy
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458. a beautiful brown little boy-girl
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459. to keep in my room
for when the urges come!
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460. You can't do that!
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461. Sure, I can!
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462. Gary Glitter told me where to get one.
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463. And Dean?
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464. Dean, wouldn't you like to have
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465. a beautiful brown little brother/sister?
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466. No! And beautiful
boy-girls aren't the answer!
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467. You have to fight the bad urges.
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468. I can't! Not without my meds!
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469. Yes, you can! I know you can.
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470. Just do whatever you used to do
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471. before they gave you the medicine.
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472. Princess Tinyfeet!
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473. She's what I used to do.
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474. She was the only thing
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475. that ever got me over
my dirty little weakness.
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476. But she won't return my calls!
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477. Mmm.
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478. Thanks, Mrs. Z.
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479. Wow, this one really loves my cooking.
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480. I like him.
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481. Oh, thirds? Really? That's a good idea.
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482. You don't see a connection between this...
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483. and this!
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484. I can't help it. It's compulsive.
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485. I was seeing someone about it.
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486. Isn't she a treasure?
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487. Would you believe Mrs. Z
is actually older than I?
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488. Hey, just like me and Rust.
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489. I'm the older one, but he
looks like he could be my dad.
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490. That's because you've got
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491. more chemical preservatives
in you than a twinkie.
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492. And don't try to tell me
that isn't a weave.
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493. So, a snake kills your psychiatrist,
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494. and you fly all the way down here
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495. in the middle of the night
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496. to beat up an old man
because of a matchbook?
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497. Yeah, sounds kind of
sloppy when you say it.
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498. When are you boys going to grow up?
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499. Didn't you get enough of this
nonsense when you were kids?
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500. We had to do something.
It was a mystery.
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501. There's always a mystery.
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502. It never ends.
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503. Not until you decide
when enough is enough.
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504. You mean just give it all up?
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505. Yes! Why not?
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506. Leave it to the next 10-year-old boy
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507. with a jetpack and a spyglass.
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508. Take it from an old man —
there is more to life.
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509. I am much happier now
that I settled down with Mrs. Z
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510. than I ever was chasing
Johnny around with a laser.
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511. I only regret that it took so
long for me to figure it out.
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512. We never had children of our own, you see.
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513. We married late.
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514. And though my lover's mountains
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515. are both beautiful and bountiful,
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516. I'm afraid the valley
below is quite barren.
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517. I thought we could not have
kids because I was your beard.
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518. Dr. Z, Mrs. Z, would you like to adopt me?
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519. Aww, that's sweet.
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520. Dr. Z is right.
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521. You know, I should thank you guys.
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522. You all made me realize
something important tonight.
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523. I'm not alone.
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524. Band of brothers, man.
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525. No, I mean...
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526. What the hell am I doing
in therapy in the first place?
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527. I'm no drug addict.
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528. I don't have an eating disorder.
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529. And as much as I resented my father,
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530. I never wanted to kill him.
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531. Whoa, that was never proven.
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532. And most importantly, I grew up.
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533. I'm not a boy adventurer.
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534. I have my own business,
and my own family.
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535. And if you'll excuse me,
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536. I think it's high time I got back to them.
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537. Sergeant Hatred?
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538. There's someone here
who wants to talk to you.
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539. Nibblet? Honey!
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540. Now!
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541. B team —
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542. hit him!
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543. Princess!
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544. Whyyy!
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545. Thanks, dude.
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546. No, thank you.
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547. I so owed him one.
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548. Out of nowhere, there's this
big glowing viking longboat
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549. and it comes out of the clouds.
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550. And everybody who ever died
in all these films is on it,
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551. and then it carries him—
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552. - Oh, hey.
- Hey, boss!
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553. Just you in here?
Thought I heard you talking.
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554. I was pod blogging... casting... diary.
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555. Oh, so how was it?
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556. Better than the first one.
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557. I like the second one a little better.
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558. Yeah, that's what they
were saying on Ain't It Cool.
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559. Yeah, all in all, a fitting
end to the trilogy, though.
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560. Cool.
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561. Okay, well, uh, good night then.
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562. Good night, boss.
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563. Oh, did you, uh, remember
to take care of that thing?
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564. Yeah, yeah totally.
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565. Office was on the way to the theater.
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566. So we slipped the snake
right through the air vent.
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567. He's gotta be dead by now.
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568. Then Venture's got no more excuses!
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569. Excellent!
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570. Reload the scarionette cannon!
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571. Tomorrow, we arch anew!
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