The Venture Bros. 4x15

1. - dr. Donahue!

2. Uh, hold up there!

3. Dr. Donahue! Phil!

4. Hey.

5. - Oh.

6. I-I didn't hear you.

7. Is there a problem?

8. - dr. Donahue, I-I just got to

9. Tell you that your convergent

10. Ex-maze — stunning.

11. We were about to stop his

12. Doggone heart there.

13. - You were all ready

14. To saw that guy open.

15. And I'm all, "it's just a

16. Paroxysmal afib.

17. You should mop out a cox maze

18. For the ex-maze, slam an

19. Ablation cath in the old groin,

20. And bingo!

21. The guy could drive home in the

22. Morning.

23. - astounding.

24. And the board was impressed.

25. I-I'm talking promotion

26. Impressed there.

27. - Oh, that's, uh, not

28. Necessary.

29. - which is why I'm glad I ran

30. Into you.

31. It seems we don't have all your

32. Papers on file, so we just

33. Called the johns hopkins there,

34. And they —

35. - J-johns h-hopkins?

36. You called them?

37. No, no. I didn't go there.

38. - really?

39. Oh, you — you told me you did.

40. - No.

41. I told you I went to stanford

42. And that I studied under

43. Dr. Johns hopkinsburg —

44. Dr. Johns hopkinsburg at the

45. Stanford university.

46. - oh. Let me just run and get

47. Dr. Bennett, and we'll —

48. We'll sort out this little

49. Oversight.

50. I'll just be a sec.

51. Wait right here.

52. - I won't go anywhere.

53. I'm glued!

54. Look. I can't move my feet

55. Because they're stuck to the

56. Floor.

57. Oh — oh, no, look!

58. It's like molasses.

59. - I knew you were coming

60. Tonight.

61. I'm at peace.

62. Just make it quick.

63. A deal's a deal.

64. What are you waiting for?

65. Do it!

66. Come on, you *bleep* freaks!

67. Hey, see that bag hanging there?

68. eat it!

69. They looked straight at me.

70. Trust me.

71. It was the same guys.

72. We have to give it all back.

73. - Everything?

74. What, the spelunking gear, the

75. Dune buggy, the — the pool

76. Table in the secret lab?

77. Not the secret — billy, not the

78. Lab.

79. - All that crap —

80. Everything!

81. - Everything?

82. - everything?

83. - What is that?

84. - Robo-bo, our robotic

85. Butler/manservant, in the

86. Imposing, yet familiar guise of

87. Bo duke.

88. Don't act like we didn't talk

89. About this.

90. - Well, we didn't!

91. You asked me which duke boy I

92. Liked better.

93. - And you said bo, so

94. Ta-da!

95. Robo-bo!

96. - Yeah, well, I didn't

97. Think for a second that you were

98. Go— we got to give that

99. Horrible thing back, too.

100. They are *bleep* vampires, and

101. They're coming to suck all my

102. Blood out.

103. - Billy, you're

104. Overreacting.

105. - Ya think?

106. Three creepy guys appear on our

107. Doorstep and hand us a check for

108. Like $10 million!

109. - We are

110. Conjectural technologies.

111. It's perfectly normal for us to

112. Get investors!

113. - We sold our souls to

114. Vampires!

115. - We sold shares of our

116. Hot new company.

117. It's completely normal.

118. - I just saw our

119. Shareholders materialize out of

120. Thin air, then steal the heart

121. Of a 400-hundred-pound talking

122. Gorilla.

123. Is that normal?

124. They're here.

125. Okay, I'm gonna tell them we're

126. Gonna give everything back and

127. That this was all a

128. Misunderstanding.

129. Hand me my neck brace.

130. - That's not gonna work.

131. - Oh, it does.

132. When the vampires try to bite my

133. Neck, they're gonna get nothing

134. But a mouthful of foamy,

135. Cervical collar.

136. - door for master billy.

137. - I'm gonna go fix

138. This, okay?

139. But if I don't return, you come

140. Find me.

141. Don't let them make me a

142. Vampire, white.

143. Promise me.

144. - Fine.

145. I won't let them make you a

146. Vampire.

147. Sheesh.

148. - Oh.

149. I'm glad you're here.

150. We just had a silly

151. Misunderstanding.

152. - No, no.

153. N-no, please, no.

154. No, no, no!

155. - Billy? Billy?

156. - master billy left with his

157. Visitors.

158. - Robo-bo!

159. Get the conject-u-cycle!

160. I have a check here for $50,000

161. For whoever helps me rescue

162. Billy from vampires.

163. - We're not mercenaries,

164. White.

165. We handle the guys that nobody

166. Else wants to deal with.

167. - Well, that's perfect,

168. Cause nobody else wants to deal

169. With me.

170. - Yeah, you're not

171. Getting it.

172. Hunter, why don't you explain

173. What we do here at sphinx?

174. - sphinx!

175. - it works like this — if

176. Someone points a gun at you, ya

177. Call the police.

178. If a bunch of guys are pointing

179. Guns at you, you call s.W.A.T.

180. If they're in spandex and

181. Pointing a super laser, at you,

182. You call the o.S.I.

183. If they're dressed regular and

184. They're pointing a super laser

185. At your daughter, that's when

186. You call sphinx.

187. - sphinx!

188. - so explain to me why we'd

189. Give a squirt about your

190. Roommate being abducted by

191. Vampires?

192. - We're talking about

193. Billy here!

194. You guys owe him.

195. You did the — you know.

196. - spit it out, white!

197. This is sphinx!

198. - sphinx.

199. - we have no secrets here.

200. When men live and work together,

201. It's imperative that there are

202. No secrets!

203. I miss my breasts!

204. Inside of me, there is a woman

205. Screaming to be heard.

206. - I hit a dog with my car last

207. Week but told the owner I found

208. Him like that.

209. - I once jerked off

210. 12 times in one day just to see

211. If I could.

212. - I had an erotic dream about

213. Henry rollins last night, and

214. I'm straight as an arrow.

215. - remember that smell I told

216. You was the garbage?

217. That was my ass.

218. I had chicken tandoori for

219. Lunch.

220. - ya see?

221. Men don't have secrets.

222. Now, what are you talking about?

223. - Fine.

224. You used billy as a pawn to

225. Infiltrate the

226. Guild of calamitous intent.

227. You owe him.

228. - son, that wasn't us.

229. That was the o.S.I.

230. If I throw this pen at your

231. Head, are you gonna blame me or

232. Have a little fist fight with

233. The pen?

234. Now get out and take your bribe

235. With you.

236. Wait!

237. Where did you get this?

238. - the vampires.

239. We get them every—

240. - finally!

241. Samson, shore leave, we got

242. These bastards!

243. Take a look at this!

244. - it's the investors all right.

245. You have more of these?

246. - That's the last one.

247. We spent the others.

248. - Well, you're in luck,

249. White.

250. You're the only person that's

251. Taken money from the investors

252. And lived to panic about it.

253. - So you'll take the job?

254. - take the job?

255. Pale face, we've been waiting

256. For this job.

257. You're not gonna be able to get

258. Rid of sphinx!

259. - sphinx!

260. - Aah!

261. Geez, you're monstrous.

262. - close.

263. I'm monstroso.

264. Leave us.

265. - Who are those guys?

266. - the investors?

267. They make dreams come true...

268. For a price.

269. - And who the hell are

270. You?

271. - a man, just like you, in need

272. Of the investors.

273. We're all in the same boat,

274. Billy.

275. - How do you know my

276. Name?

277. - you're one of the most

278. Talented surgeons alive.

279. Who doesn't know of dr. — Wait.

280. You're not a doctor.

281. You never went to medical

282. School.

283. - Well, some of the

284. World's greatest artists are

285. Self-taught, you know.

286. - yes, and so many of them live

287. In sad trailers infested with

288. Albinos, scurrying from xbox to

289. Playstation, living off your

290. Accomplishments.

291. I'm fine, all right?

292. I just want to give everything

293. Back.

294. I just want to go home.

295. get back in bed, little guy.

296. Let me tuck you in.

297. You can never go back to your

298. Sad little life.

299. Oh, is that too tight?

300. there's no blood getting to

301. My face.

302. no, billy, we both made a

303. Deal with the investors.

304. what — what deal did I

305. Make!

306. I said I'll give the money back!

307. it's too late, billy.

308. Now get some sleep.

309. I want you well-rested to accept

310. The investors' real gift —

311. Immortality!

312. I run out, and I swear

313. I see billy and the vampire guys

314. Disappear into thin air.

315. It should have been me.

316. hey, it'll be fine.

317. We'll save him.

318. It should have been me.

319. I-I have that malfoy, spike

320. Thing going on.

321. I-I look way more vampire than

322. Billy.

323. Should've been me.

324. The footprints seem to

325. Start and end right here.

326. shore leave, run this

327. Footprint soil through your

328. Thingy and see what's going on

329. Here.

330. lemonade, gentlemen?

331. sweet lord, what the hell is

332. That?

333. Robo-bo.

334. Yeah, I got it off the internet.

335. They also make a robo-starsky,

336. Robo-crockett, and

337. Robo-the-fatman.

338. it's disgusting!

339. Why does it walk like

340. It has to take a dump?

341. oh, here's something.

342. There's salt in their tracks —

343. Ocean water.

344. Saline at 3.4 — atlantic,

345. Somewhere near the equator.

346. then that's where we're

347. Going!

348. You ever fix our submarine?

349. puhlease!

350. We just shoveled dirt on what

351. Was left of it.

352. I think I can get us a

353. Boat.

354. If we're taking a boat

355. Somewhere, we got to stop for

356. Sunscreen.

357. you're a civilian, and you're

358. Annoying.

359. This is a job for sphinx.

360. what?

361. I thought you were gonna —

362. oh. Uh, sphinx!

363. oh we'll rescue your little

364. Friend.

365. yeah, friend — friend.

366. but you're going to a

367. Safe house.

368. I know what you're

369. Thinking — that's a bunion.

370. I thought that, too.

371. But does a bunion leak yellow

372. Goo when you squeeze it?

373. No, it doesn't.

374. So we have a little mystery

375. Here.

376. Yeah, would you like to touch

377. It?

378. Uh, nah, not really.

379. c'mon!

380. It's really mushy in there.

381. aw, ya look great.

382. Me like them dance costumes ya

383. Got.

384. I'm with sphinx now.

385. sphinx!

386. Is jonas here?

387. sorry. Bad news, gentlemen.

388. Jonas is gone.

389. He's up there.

390. Oh, geez.

391. I'm sorry, man.

392. We didn't know.

393. ah, no, no, no.

394. He's not dead.

395. He's up on his space-station

396. Thingy.

397. Left me here to keep the museum

398. Open.

399. Since he left, I've had, uh —

400. Let's see, uh — no visitors.

401. Not here to see the

402. Museum.

403. too bad.

404. I could have cut you guys a

405. Sweet group rate.

406. Oh, hey.

407. Sorry, grandpa.

408. Smoking cigarettes is illegal on

409. Spider skull island.

410. what, are you kidding me?

411. no. The wee chairman outlawed

412. Them.

413. This here island is a sovereign

414. Nation.

415. We got our own laws!

416. Cigarettes and liquor be banned,

417. Uh, but on the upside, we grow

418. Our own pot, and we legalized

419. The gay marriage!

420. I am gonna retire here.

421. Captain, we just came

422. Here to borrow the x2.

423. uh, no can do.

424. Chairman needed the engine to

425. Power part of that flying thingy

426. He thinks is too good for

427. Pirates.

428. The x2 is gutted.

429. great. No boat.

430. yeah, well, if ya just need a

431. Boat, I can help you there.

432. Just let me change me outfit.

433. oh, good.

434. You put on your little outfit.

435. I almost didn't give it to you

436. Because it was so small.

437. I wanted to hang it from my

438. Rear-view mirror.

439. If anybody would be

440. Sensitive to my size, I figured

441. It would be you.

442. I am kidding.

443. I'm sensitive to size.

444. Not as much as I

445. Am at this moment.

446. and admit it.

447. I've been showing you a good

448. Time.

449. Well, the indoor mini

450. Golf was cool, and the bumper

451. Cars would've been cool if

452. Yours wasn't as big as an s.U.V.

453. well, I'm trying to enjoy my

454. Last moments with this body.

455. I've worked myself to death.

456. Now I'll play myself to death.

457. I don't want to do

458. This.

459. I-I'm not ready.

460. you are ready, billy.

461. You have nothing in your life.

462. The investors are going to

463. Change all of that.

464. It's just — I mean,

465. There are still so many things I

466. Want to do before I become, you

467. Know, immortal.

468. well, after our game, we

469. Still have bumper pool and laser

470. Tag and — ooh, you'll love

471. This — giant legos.

472. I was talking about

473. Something a little more adult.

474. giant... Checkers?

475. hmm. It's kind of small for a

476. Pirate ship.

477. she's almost brigantine.

478. Found an old sloop and changed

479. Her rigging.

480. The rest is from a theme-park

481. Ride.

482. But she's fast, seaworthy, and

483. Probably a mighty chick magnet.

484. she'll have to do.

485. What do you call her?

486. I call her manny's song.

487. Who's manny?

488. me first love.

489. She left me for a bloke named

490. Craig, w just slept with her

491. And tossed her away.

492. Haven't seen her since then.

493. I heard she was with some

494. Go-nowhere mechanic named jay.

495. Sad.

496. Does she know how you feel?

497. um, no, she doesn't, because

498. That's all from a tv show.

499. Captain cuckoo here named his

500. Boat after manny santos on

501. "degrassi."

502. you're a liar!

503. I can't believe they killed

504. J.T.

505. I know!

506. And they hardly talked about it,

507. Like after terri bashed her

508. Skull on that rock.

509. yeah. I'm the liar, me.

510. if you simpletons aren't

511. Embarrassed, I'll be embarrassed

512. For you.

513. Let's set sail!

514. We're on a mission!

515. sphinx!

516. didn't say it.

517. what? It was implied.

518. avast! We set sail!

519. Well?

520. What?

521. What what are we waiting for?

522. we have to actually set sail.

523. Like, you guys have to help me

524. Tie down those sails.

525. Feel free to cry or jump in.

526. - 1 don't know this song.

527. - that's cause I just made it

528. Up.

529. Yeah!

530. - you might want to hold that

531. With two hands.

532. - I've never played

533. Racquetball.

534. - you ever play squash?

535. - Nope.

536. - handball?

537. - Uh, nope.

538. - well, it's like that.

539. Service!

540. You have to hit it back.

541. - Well, then, you have

542. To hit it a little lighter.

543. - fine.

544. I'll do my little baby serve.

545. But I'm still taking that point.

546. What was that "adult" thing you

547. Wanted to do before your date

548. With destiny?

549. - A date with a woman!

550. - yes. Of course.

551. Well, the big man here has quite

552. An appetite for the pleasures of

553. The flesh myself, yet I've never

554. Found a woman who can satisfy

555. Me.

556. - I'm surprised you

557. Can find a woman that doesn't

558. Run away screaming.

559. Point! In your face!

560. You okay?

561. - it's my heart.

562. It's dying.

563. No legos for me today.

564. - We got to get you to

565. A hospital.

566. - no!

567. Tonight we shall embrace our

568. Destiny.

569. - the bank is an offshore.

570. The check is from general

571. Consolidated insurance — gci.

572. Guild of calamitous intent.

573. - So whoever's holding

574. The investors' leash has access

575. To the guild funds.

576. - got anything?

577. - billy's hand emits a tracer

578. Pulse.

579. It's not accurate, but it should

580. Get us close enough to activate

581. The hand's homing device.

582. - anything on that check?

583. - well, besides the

584. Peanut-butter prints from billy

585. And white, there was a latent

586. Palm print.

587. Didn't match anything on file,

588. So I made it into a little

589. Turkey by putting a little beak

590. On it.

591. It looks crappy though. See?

592. - You know why that

593. Looks crappy?

594. Because that's not a palm print.

595. That's a huge thumbprint.

596. - right!

597. - access to guild funds, giant

598. Thumbprint...

599. Well, should I say it, or do we

600. All say it at once?

601. - please, please, please,

602. Please, please!

603. I want to do it!

604. You did it last time.

605. - all right. Fine.

606. - oh, my god!

607. It's monstroso!

608. - I've signed a lot a papers in

609. My life, but none like this.

610. There.

611. Soon, my friends.

612. Soon I will have new blood in

613. These veins — the blood of the

614. Beast.

615. Soon

616. - Aah!

617. You're dracula brides!

618. - yes, vampires.

619. Where do you want us to bite

620. You?

621. - I-I don't want to be

622. Bitten.

623. Can you just do the sucking

624. Part and not the biting part?

625. Now, if you need blood, I'm

626. Prone to nosebleeds.

627. I have dry sinuses because of

628. Allergies, and I pick my nose

629. With a metal hand.

630. That's very nice.

631. A little exotic striptease6

632. Or is it an exotic... Dance?

633. I took swing lessons at parks

634. And rec, but because I'm short,

635. I had to take the class with

636. Kids.

637. Oh, oh, you got the pants off.

638. And you are doing something

639. Amazing with your mouth.

640. - got it!

641. I activated the homing device in

642. Billy's hand, everyone.

643. And I may have also accidentally

644. Activated the fire extinguisher.

645. - now we're getting somewhere!

646. Where is he?

647. - he's close — very close.

648. I'd say about seven miles that

649. Way.

650. - hard full aft rudder astern!

651. Jib the mainsail!

652. Cully the sheets, ya swabs!

653. - What the hell does

654. That all mean?

655. - nothing!

656. Made it up!

657. I'm just all excited to be a

658. Fake pirate again!

659. - What happened?

660. There were women here, I swear.

661. I had sex with three women at

662. Once.

663. It's time, isn't it?

664. - I couldn't just leave him.

665. I was afraid he might have a

666. Concussion or something.

667. The little guy was just so cute

668. And helpless.

669. So I can see why he's your best

670. Friend.

671. I mean —

672. - He's not my best

673. Friend.

674. I just work with him.

675. - and live with him and do

676. Everything with him.

677. That's best friends.

678. - Maybe.

679. But I always thought of rusty as

680. My best friend.

681. - what?

682. You know what, white?

683. - Wha—

684. - yeah. You have the greatest

685. Friend in the world, and because

686. He's not famous, you don't care.

687. You should be ashamed of

688. Yourself.

689. - Rusty and I went to

690. School together.

691. We were inseparable.

692. - it's huge!

693. Never seen a catamaran like

694. That.

695. It's like a big blimp spider!

696. That thing is like a fortress.

697. Good luck to you.

698. - oh, we don't need luck.

699. With brock and shore leave, we

700. Just need alibis and body bags.

701. - ta-da!

702. Genital formal wear.

703. I'm ready.

704. - You're not wearing

705. That, are you?

706. - this little get-up-and-go

707. Works like a samurai mask.

708. They'll get a gander at this

709. Little number, and they're

710. Hypnotized!

711. - all right.

712. It's a dual mission.

713. One, rescue the little guy.

714. Two, terminate monstroso, the

715. Investors, and everything that

716. Gets in your way.

717. - You just reminded me

718. Why I joined sphinx.

719. - sphinx!

720. Oh, my god!

721. This water is *bleep* freezing!

722. I am not properly dressed!

723. - okay.

724. I've signed it.

725. Now make me a vampire.

726. I'm ready to become one of the

727. Undead.

728. The blood is the life!

729. - what are you talking about?

730. Vampire?

731. I can't make you a vampire.

732. - What?

733. Isn't that what all this is

734. About — these papers, the

735. Vampire brides, the immortality

736. Crap, those guys?

737. - leave us.

738. You have me and the investors

739. All wrong, son.

740. Those papers you just signed —

741. Those are your diplomas from

742. Medical school, all legal.

743. That is your gift.

744. - But those women said

745. They were vampires.

746. - those women were prostitutes.

747. They would have said they were

748. Charlie's angels if you wanted

749. Them to.

750. - But — but — but

751. You kept talking about

752. Immorality and your new life.

753. - yes, immortality.

754. You've been brought here to

755. Perform a heart transplant.

756. King gorilla made a little deal

757. With the investors and I.

758. He gets out of his life sentence

759. And I get his heart when he

760. Dies.

761. - Oh, come on.

762. Every *bleep* time!

763. I should have guessed.

764. I got kidnapped to perform

765. Another illegal surgery.

766. - no. This surgery is legal.

767. We are far from u.S.

768. Restrictions.

769. And with your new diploma, you

770. Will get the credit, fame, and

771. Fortune you deserve.

772. You will be a legend, an

773. Immortal.

774. All right, baby fae.

775. It's billy time.

776. Let's make history.

777. - suckers.

778. Mm. I used to do that with a

779. Tennis ball to my dog.

780. - I'm gonna work my way

781. Up to the main decks.

782. When this is secure, head up.

783. - hi.

784. If you even think about it, I

785. Pull the trigger.

786. - okay. Just take that gun off

787. Of my back.

788. - no, no. That's not my gun.

789. That's an indicator of how

790. Excited I am to do this to you.

791. That is my gun.

792. Man, I'm glad it's you.

793. I thought that those guys were

794. Magically shooting bullets from

795. Their body.

796. - right?

797. I didn't even know you were

798. Behind them.

799. I thought they were throwing

800. Knives out of their backs.

801. - Magic guys.

802. That sucks.

803. I thought we finally had those

804. Bastards.

805. - well, we still have

806. Monstroso.

807. He's not magic, but he is a

808. Giant.

809. We have a cool job, shore leave.

810. - it is totally cool.

811. Okay, I'm gonna head that way.

812. First one to find a talking harp

813. Wins.

814. - Brock?

815. What the hell is going on?

816. How did you get here?

817. - We've been following

818. This boat for two days.

819. - Boat?

820. I'm on a boat?

821. He has a mini-golf course on a

822. Boat?

823. - Oh, yeah. It's huge.

824. White tipped us off to this.

825. - White. Pbht.

826. Like he cares a rat's ass about

827. Me.

828. - He offered us 50 grand

829. To save you.

830. - What board game was

831. The money from?

832. - Aw, come on billy.

833. He cares.

834. And monstroso there has been

835. Using those investors of his to

836. Do stuff that you don't want to

837. Know about.

838. - He gave me more than

839. You guys ever did.

840. After I finish this transplant,

841. I'll be famous.

842. And I'm gonna get a reality

843. Show, and I'm gonna marry young

844. Models that wouldn't look at me

845. Before my tv show.

846. I am done with white!

847. He's holding me back.

848. - All right.

849. You finish up that transplant.

850. You live with all that blood on

851. Your hands.

852. It never comes off, billy.

853. The bad blood stains your hands.

854. If you can live with knowing

855. That you gave that killer a

856. Second chance at life, then you

857. Finish up.

858. - fine.

859. Man, you are really good at

860. Those cowboy speeches.

861. But I can't just walk away.

862. We doctors take a hippocratic

863. Oath, and it says we shall never

864. Willingly harm a patient.

865. - Billy, you're not a

866. Real doctor.

867. - Well, I may not have

868. A degree or spend a fortune on

869. Med school, but I am a doctor.

870. I'm a real doctor, and I'm one

871. Of the best.

872. You're pretty good at those

873. Cowboy speeches, too.

874. Okay. Finish him up.

875. - That's good.

876. Just give it a little squeeze.

877. You know, don't overexert

878. Yourself.

879. - s-sorry.

880. I broke another one.

881. - Very well.

882. Let's get some rest here,

883. Mr. Monstroso.

884. - Hey.

885. Is he well enough so I can kill

886. Him yet?