The Venture Bros. 4x12

1. Alright.

2. There's a fridge full of

3. Steak-ums, but you got to

4. Microwave them.

5. I don't want you using the stove

6. When we're gone.

7. You can't microwave

8. Steak-ums.

9. They get all hard!

10. If it's a choice

11. Between this and the speed suit,

12. I choose the speed suit.

13. Let me see my

14. Junior scientist!

15. Ahh, I wore that suit when I had

16. My first new york assignment.

17. Ooh, if that suit could talk —

18. It would say "kill me!

19. I'm a hideous monster!"

20. See?

21. Your brother is

22. Just jealous.

23. Oh, yeah.

24. I'm jealous that I don't get to

25. Go to new york dressed as the

26. Jamaican flag to work for no

27. Pay.

28. It's an internship,

29. Hank.

30. They pay you with experience and

31. An impressive résumé!

32. Yeah, I'm gonna load up the,

33. X-1, doc.

34. Hey, soldier, you flying with

35. Us?

36. Oh, no!

37. He's staying right here, and

38. He's getting a job by the time

39. We get back.

40. I told you that's

41. Gonna be no problem.

42. But I warn you that, unlike

43. Dean, I will not be working for

44. The man, and I plan on getting

45. Paid.

46. Now, I've narrowed down my list.

47. Well, at least

48. You crossed out mafia Don,

49. Fire eater, traveling racecar

50. Salesman, and my favorite —

51. Gigolo.

52. Once I found out it had

53. Nothing to do with italian

54. Ice cream, it lost its allure.

55. 'sup, team venture.

56. Great!

57. Dermott's gonna help you get a

58. Job.

59. Uh, Mr. V., I have a

60. Full-time job, and I teach

61. Ninjitsu classes on the

62. Weekends.

63. Technically, he wears

64. That weird, padded giant baby

65. Suit for a rape-prevention

66. Class.

67. That's a huge

68. Confidence builder.

69. All right, we got to get

70. Going.

71. I don't want to have to fly at

72. Night in the X-1.

73. I get the lights mixed up with

74. The lasers, and then I end up

75. Blowing stuff up.

76. I-I-I just don't want to blow

77. Stuff up 'cause I can't see.

78. Hank, I get back

79. In three days.

80. Four if hatred got

81. "the music man" tickets.

82. Ohh... Yeah, we got tickets!

83. I'm gonna go get the x-one.

84. Four days, Hank,

85. Four days, Hank, and you better be employed.

86. Yeah, uh, what is a pop-top?

87. Uh, we take a toaster tart,

88. We shave off the top, and that's

89. Served on a bed of kind of

90. Crumbled toaster tart.

91. Okay.

92. I'll have that and a —

93. fruit punch.

94. It's all we got.

95. All righty.

96. You have cherry?

97. Well, maybe.

98. Maybe? What is maybe?

99. Maybe is we have red.

100. Not quite what I

101. Had in mind for employment.

102. I see you have an

103. Interest in our fine collection

104. Of remote controls.

105. Well, if you put your address on

106. Our mailing list, we'll be sure

107. To contact you when we get more

108. In.

109. Hank, you know

110. My address.

111. It's here.

112. I live here.

113. And I don't plan on buying back

114. Any more of my remotes.

115. But I am coming back for my

116. Shoes.

117. I hope we carry your

118. Size.

119. Hank, you carry

120. My size because those are all

121. My shoes.

122. I'm sorry.

123. I have another customer.

124. Banking needs?

125. Uh, no, I-I just

126. Need a few things notarized.

127. That's two departments

128. Down.

129. Dermott, finish up with this

130. Gentleman.

131. All right, these are all

132. Final-sale items.

133. Changing the

134. Terms of my child support.

135. Remember when your wife used

136. To screw you without paperwork?

137. That's very

138. Appropriate for the boy to hear.

139. You hear a lot in my

140. Line of work.

141. Okay, just sign here, initial

142. Here, and here.

143. Nikki, don't be a douche.

144. Just come pick me up!

145. Dude, what?

146. Do you carry

147. Double-a batteries?

148. Hank removed all the batteries

149. From my remotes.

150. I don't know.

151. Try the electronics department.

152. Mom was supposed to pick me up

153. Two hours ago!

154. You got to!

155. And I assume you're the

156. Third party?

157. Compared to Mr. Fun, I'm the

158. Entire party.

159. Dude, my mom's freakin'

160. Awol.

161. I need a ride home.

162. So, your mom's missing?

163. Okay, meet me at that table over

164. There.

165. One moment, gentlemen.

166. Mine, mine,

167. Mine, mine, mine, mine...

168. Smooth.

169. Buy you a drink?

170. Are you seri—

171. Totally!

172. What is this, apple juice?

173. Only the best.

174. So, what's the score?

175. Badger game?

176. Blow some cabbage on a dirty

177. Bang-tail?

178. Dude, I can't find my mom, so

179. I need a ride home.

180. Missing person?

181. Okay, I'll take the case.

182. Now let's start from the

183. Beginning.

184. Tell me everything.

185. it started out as

186. Another case of "where's mommy?"

187. Then it turned tail faster than

188. A kicked pooch.

189. Either I'm being played for a

190. Patsy or that palooka is

191. Actually brook's kid.

192. You gonna come in, or are you

193. Looking for studs in the wall?

194. If I thought there were studs

195. Here, I wouldn't be sitting

196. Outside trying to get a snack

197. From café Hank.

198. Café's closed.

199. But if you just want to wag your

200. Chin, grab some bench.

201. Ahh!

202. When I moved in with orpheus, he

203. Neglected to tell me that

204. There's nothing around here open

205. Past 8:30.

206. Ahh, the old private-dick game

207. Huh?

208. I'm more public and less private

209. About the dick game these days,

210. But because I'm bored out of my

211. Gourd, let's hear the case.

212. Well, Dermott—

213. the big creepy kid you hang

214. Around with?

215. The same.

216. Well, he can't find his mom.

217. Solved!

218. She picked him up four hours

219. Ago.

220. You were right there.

221. Yeah, that was solved.

222. But when he was giving me the

223. Facts of the case, he dropped a

224. Bombshell right on my lap.

225. I found out something I can't

226. Believe.

227. I — I don't want to believe it.

228. Did he tell you he likes to

229. Kill small animals?

230. Because that kid's wa-eird!

231. Right?

232. I used to think that, too, but,

233. No.

234. He comes out and tells me he

235. Thinks his dad is Brock.

236. Get out!

237. Really?

238. Seriously.

239. And I don't know what to do.

240. Well, you have to solve this

241. Case!

242. That's what the sign is for!

243. That's why you have the hat!

244. That's why you have the whip!

245. Wait. Why do you have a whip?

246. Came with the hat.

247. It's a detective's whip.

248. In the back!

249. Hey, has anyone seen Dermott?

250. He left with your mom

251. Like four hours ago.

252. I drove all the way from the

253. Highlands.

254. You think he could've called me

255. To tell me he got a ride.

256. You know Dermott.

257. He's not one for politeness, but

258. He's a good kid.

259. If you don't get an apology,

260. I'll make him buy you flowers,

261. Deal?

262. Deal.

263. What are you guys doing?

264. Me and al have a job.

265. I'd bend your ear on it, but a

266. Pretty dame like you shouldn't

267. Get involved with this kind of

268. Thing.

269. It's too dangerous.

270. Dangerous?

271. Uh-huh.

272. No, seriously, what are you guys

273. Doing?

274. Scram, doll!

275. I don't want to think about a

276. Body like yours getting busted

277. Up over this.

278. okay.

279. THanks.

280. Uh, hey, Hank, I just want to

281. THank you for keeping Dermott

282. Out of trouble and stuff.

283. Like I said, he's a

284. Good kid.

285. Now drift, doll.

286. We got to get some work done.

287. Okay.

288. Bye, Hank.

289. And, um...

290. al.

291. I'm his, uh, gal Friday, I

292. Guess.

293. Right, right...

294. Oh, Hank, um, I don't think

295. Dermott's going to apologize to

296. Anyone, so, uh, why don't you

297. Stop by with those flowers?

298. Hank, you were amazing!

299. When did you get so smooth?

300. It's the hat!

301. I have had a crush on Dermott's

302. Sister forever!

303. I've never said anything to her

304. Before!

305. she was on you like sid on

306. Nancy!

307. All right, Hank, I'm in.

308. I'll be your partner till we

309. Solve this case or till I get

310. Completely bored doing it!

311. Me and al hit the dives

312. Some info on this dame.

313. We had the kind of luck that

314. Turns a professional gambler

315. Into an amateur murderer.

316. Your basic boob ain't too keen

317. On dicks.

318. When a bum sees a dick coming,

319. He don't stick around for the

320. Credits.

321. Seems this old broad wasn't so

322. Popular with the men folk.

323. Every jobbie in this burg knew

324. The old frail, but nobody copped

325. To pitching woo.

326. Geez, can you blame

327. Them?

328. Look at this old townie.

329. Hank, what was that about the

330. Bums not liking dicks coming?

331. Ow!

332. What!

333. He— he said that!

334. Or was it boobs —

335. Ow!

336. Sorry, Hank.

337. Never met her before.

338. She said I knocked her up?

339. Her kid said you did.

340. What, are you friends

341. With babies now?

342. The baby's grown up.

343. This happened 17 years ago.

344. Oh, I thought now that

345. You're hanging around with guys

346. Like this —

347. what are you staring at?

348. I — I'm sorry.

349. Have we slept together before?

350. um, no.

351. would you like to?

352. Al, quit eyeballing the

353. Nance.

354. We're on a case.

355. Yeah, I think I'd

356. Remember this one.

357. I don't even want to think about

358. What this mess looked like back

359. Then.

360. Could not have been good.

361. Maybe on a lonely

362. Night...

363. I've never been that

364. Drunk, and I've never been that

365. Desperate.

366. Sorry, kid.

367. I just want to talk to you.

368. I — I didn't steal those

369. Games!

370. They were defective so they're

371. Just being thrown out!

372. I'm not mall security!

373. what — so who are you?

374. He works with me.

375. He's the alchemist, seeker of

376. Truth.

377. you're a superhero guy and

378. You're hanging out with Hank?

379. look, pudgy mctalk-a-lot, I

380. Just got dumped by my lover who

381. Then tossed me out on my jobless

382. Ass, so I had to move in with my

383. Boring team member who lives in

384. The 'burbs and never does squat!

385. And I just — I just told you

386. Too much, didn't I!

387. uh, dude, no

388. Geez, al, let the

389. Palooka down.

390. We have a couple more questions

391. About your case.

392. case?

393. I needed a ride home, doofus.

394. What is this, "the case of my

395. Mom forgot her cellphone"?

396. No, wisenheimer!

397. It's the case of "you tell us

398. The truth or al will make your

399. Dentist a rich man"!

400. what are you —

401. Oh, right! Sorry.

402. You tell me your old

403. Man is Brock Samson.

404. You think I'm gonna let that

405. Slide?

406. Huh?

407. I did some checking, and your

408. Facts ain't adding up.

409. Samson's a ringer.

410. well, that's what my freaki"

411. Morn told me, you douche.

412. Now let me go.

413. I got to get back to work.

414. come on, Hank.

415. He's a kid.

416. Don't make me hit a kid.

417. oh, yeah, like I'd even feel

418. It.

419. You're like danny devito's

420. Penguin.

421. Hey, man, my god!

422. Take it down!

423. Ugh.

424. My mom gave me this, all right?

425. She said it was my dad's.

426. Okay?

427. I'm telling you the truth.

428. Now I got to get back to work

429. Before I get fired.

430. I'm not crying.

431. he's telling the truth.

432. Al, go get the boiler.

433. no clue.

434. Car?

435. Is that the car?

436. Yeah, the car.

437. I am way sorry for

438. Making a grown-up punch you,

439. Man.

440. What?

441. That's cool.

442. You know, I actually stole those

443. You know, I actually stole those video games, so I had it coming.

444. Hey, boss.

445. What can I get you?

446. I see you made some

447. Changes to my joint.

448. I got to tell you, it's

449. Always been my secret dream to

450. Run a hash house.

451. I am just loving this!

452. Oh, and I made some adjustments

453. To the menu.

454. So, basically, we, uh, just

455. Serve eggs now.

456. Mostly scrambled.

457. And all with ketchup.

458. So, what can I get you?

459. Cup of java?

460. Two.

461. Gotcha.

462. Two coffees coming up!

463. Psst!

464. Hank.

465. Psst! Hank.

466. Hank.

467. Heard you're working the fictel

468. Case.

469. Yeah, Dermott fictel.

470. He misses his old man.

471. Fingered Samson, but it's

472. Starting to get rotten.

473. So you've met nikki?

474. Nikki fictel?

475. And how.

476. Yeah, she's a

477. Looker, that one.

478. Gams straight up to heaven.

479. Great, now you're doing the

480. Voice, too, huh?

481. don't ruin this for

482. Me, al!

483. I've been eating eggs and

484. Ketchup all day waiting to do

485. This!

486. All right, sorry!

487. I mean, who am I to talk, right?

488. So, what's your angle

489. On the fictel doll?

490. Nikki moves

491. Antiques.

492. I've done some hefty exchanges

493. With her.

494. She's a pretty big deal in that

495. Racket.

496. She has some, let's say,

497. Desirable merchandise.

498. She running a grift?

499. It's on the

500. Up-and-up.

501. But in my circle, when you can't

502. Find something, and you got a

503. Fistful of hot cabbage, you dial

504. You get my mean?

505. No. I can barely understand

506. Hank, and you do it with a

507. Speech impediment.

508. Listen to me!

509. I'm risking my life just talking

510. To you.

511. I'm just saying that doll knows

512. Something.

513. Billy!

514. Want your leftovers boxed?

515. Oh, come on!

516. I was wearing a hat!

517. Samson

518. Denies he got sloppy with the

519. Old dame.

520. Dermott insists that he did,

521. Then coughs up an old key to my

522. Front door.

523. Billy tells me to look at nikki.

524. Like he needs to tell me to

525. Look at nikki.

526. That gorgeous twist has my

527. Noodle so full of perfume, I can

528. Hardly tell I haven't washed

529. This shirt since I took this

530. Miserable case.

531. It's time I made a house call.

532. let me ask you a question.

533. Sure.

534. It's the, uh...

535. "bewitched" question.

536. Oh, yes.

537. Why didn't darrin let samantha

538. Just make them magically rich so

539. He wouldn't have to be a

540. Workaday whipping boy?

541. Yeah.

542. Where do you stand on that one?

543. I can't make you

544. Rich, al.

545. I don't want that.

546. It's just that...

547. You know how I can tell if

548. People are telling the truth.

549. It's one of my gifts.

550. Hank has this case —

551. I've noticed

552. You've been, uh... Palling around

553. With the young lad.

554. That kid knows how to have

555. Fun, orpheus.

556. You could learn something from

557. Him.

558. Anyways, in this case we got

559. Going, everyone is telling the

560. Truth and none of it adds up.

561. I — I kind of want to help him.

562. Well, we have

563. These powers.

564. They are a part of us, and we

565. Should never be ashamed or

566. Afraid to use them for good.

567. So you'd, uh...

568. I would make

569. Darrin filthy rich, turn

570. Mr. Tate into a donkey, tell

571. Endora to get a life, and blind

572. That nosey mrs. Kravitz!

573. Excellent!

574. Excellent! Okay, I need your help.

575. These are from Dermott.

576. He's working the overnight at

577. The big bargains and wanted to

578. Apologize.

579. You're so sweet.

580. You want to come in?

581. Hey, that's my dad's

582. Old cartoon crap.

583. What gives?

584. I was a huge fan when I was a

585. Kid.

586. Not the hat.

587. Sorry.

588. Is that your good-luck hat?

589. don't know yet.

590. I'll tell you in the morning.

591. you're probably

592. Sick of all this kind of stuff.

593. I'll tell you, doll,

594. Old thaddeus venture didn't have

595. The savvy to save any of them

596. Doohickeys.

597. Well, that's ironic.

598. That's rusty.

599. You remind me so much of him.

600. You Daffy?

601. Dean's just like my old man.

602. I'm the black sheep of the

603. Venture flock.

604. I'm trouble.

605. No, I mean you're like rusty

606. From the cartoon.

607. Your dad's a scared little

608. Has-been, but you are just like

609. The real rusty venture.

610. So cool.

611. So fearless and — and powerful

612. But trapped in the body of a

613. Young man.

614. Sounds like you're

615. Trying to seduce me.

616. And this old shamus can smell it

617. When a chippy's pullin' a

618. Flimflam.

619. What are you hiding?

620. Nothing.

621. Well, I —

622. I guess I'm hiding a huge crush

623. On you.

624. I don't get involved

625. With my clients. Ahem.

626. I thought you just came here

627. To bring me flowers.

628. Hat! Hat!

629. Sing your song!

630. Reveal to us your mysteries!

631. In the name of bachliel!

632. Who guards the south wind!

633. In the name of

634. Mithra!

635. Who watches over love!

636. Tell us your

637. Story!

638. Morning glory!

639. Oh!

640. Oh, relax, orpheus.

641. It was funny.

642. It'll still work.

643. Geez.

644. Nikki, you can't raise a

645. Child!

646. What were you thinking?

647. Were you even thinking?

648. Mom, please!

649. I want to keep it!

650. You're still in school!

651. You're still a child yourself!

652. What is your problem?

653. She's 15!

654. Did you expect

655. Me to card her?

656. She said she was 20!

657. Look, she cacame on to me.

658. Things got out of hand.

659. I'm not proud of this.

660. Oh, you're not proud?

661. You the president of

662. Your fan club!

663. That must have been a real

664. Challenge!

665. A 15-year-old girl who worshiped

666. You!

667. You should be proud, you

668. Asshole!

669. Look, I'll pay

670. You whatever you want.

671. Oh, you'll pay!

672. Oh, hell, yes, you'll pay!

673. You live in that huge mansion

674. With your fancy jet planes!

675. Oh, you'll pay!

676. And you will never see this girl

677. Or her baby ever again!

678. Mom! Please!

679. Well, I think

680. That's a decision nikki and I

681. Need to make.

682. Nikki, take this, and you we'll

683. Work this out together.

684. Wrong!

685. She is 15!

686. That's statutory rape.

687. You want me to call the cops and

688. Have this settled publicly, or

689. Do you want to crawl back to

690. Your mansion, write us a check,

691. And forget about all this?

692. Nickels...

693. I'm so sorry.

694. No!

695. Don't go!

696. Sweetie...

697. Sweetie, he is not worth it.

698. We'll have the baby if you want.

699. I'll raise it as mine.

700. We're gonna make it work.

701. I promise you.

702. All right?

703. We're gonna be okay.

704. We're gonna be okay.

705. Dyah!

706. Wow!

707. Just... Wow!

708. I see why

709. Samantha stayed out of Darrin's

710. Business now.

711. I so did not need to see

712. that.

713. I'm off the case.

714. You and me both,

715. Partner.

716. Yeah, I slipped over to that

717. Dame's joint to question her...

718. And things got hot.

719. What did she say?

720. Say?

721. Nothing.

722. But she did things to me that I

723. Didn't think were possible.

724. That looker ran me through the

725. Yard and lammed off with my

726. Ticker.

727. Hank, take off your detective

728. Hat and tell me what happened!

729. I had sex!

730. I had sex with a woman!

731. And — and nothing will ever be

732. The same.

733. Because of sex.

734. You don't know the half of

735. It.

736. And I have you to

737. Thank.

738. And Dermott's super-hot sister,

739. And this old key and —

740. Hank?

741. Hank?

742. We never discharged the spell!

743. Hank!

744. Okay.

745. That's...

746. I didn't need to know that.

747. I am so sorry you just saw

748. That!

749. I'm gonna vomit.

750. Al, al, I'm gonna vomit.

751. Here, use your hat.

752. I'm pretty sure it started all

753. This.

754. Are you sure this is

755. The only answer?

756. I mean, can't you take away

757. Everything but the part when I

758. Had sex?

759. Ah, it doesn't work like

760. That.

761. It just shaves away your last

762. Memory patterns.

763. You can't select what you want

764. To save, just how far back you

765. Want to forget.

766. Sorry, tiger.

767. Maybe I can live with

768. Sleeping with my dad's old

769. Girlfriend and that Dermott is

770. My half-brother, and —

771. no, no, no!

772. All right, enough!

773. I swear, if I hear any more,

774. I'll want to get in the damn

775. Thing.

776. Hank, it's cool.

777. You've done this before, like...

778. A lot.

779. Really?

780. I don't remember.

781. Bingo.

782. You'll be fine.

783. Sometimes there are things we

784. Just were never meant to know.

785. Okay already!

786. I get it.

787. I've apologized enough.

788. And I'm getting in next because

789. I've seen this whole sphinx

790. Deal.

791. Uh, this is the second time

792. You've seen this machine,

793. Big boy.

794. You and I?

795. And you let me erase that?

796. You got a little possessive.

797. I mean, you dumped your

798. Boyfriend and tried to move in

799. With me.

800. I dumped him?

801. I thought he dumped me.

802. And you will again after

803. Hank's done.

804. Hank, you ready?

805. Wait, just — just one

806. More thing.

807. What?

808. I got laid!

809. You sure did, Hank.

810. You sure did.

811. Guess what.

812. I had sex!

813. Ta-da!

814. What was it like?

815. Okay, it's kind of like naked

816. Skydiving into a mountain of

817. Warm whipped cream.

818. Yes, that good!

819. I know!

820. You don't believe me.

821. But you have to!

822. Because I'm yesterday you!

823. That's how I knew you'd watch

824. This message immediately if it

825. Was labeled " Dean face plant."

826. That was a good move.

827. THank you.

828. But, dude, I got to make this

829. Quick.

830. I'm about to get my memory

831. Wiped.

832. Aw, gyp!

833. I knew you'd say that,

834. But trust me...

835. I mean, you are me, so you trust

836. Me, but believe me — you

837. Learned a whole bunch of other

838. Things you don't really want.

839. But the part where we lost our

840. Virginity I needed to remember.

841. That is so cool.

842. You have no idea!

843. I mean, you did have an idea,

844. But now you don't.

845. What?

846. Yeah, I'm ready!

847. Oh, yeah.

848. And this is very important.

849. Get your ass to mars.

850. Nah! I'm just joshin'

851. With me.

852. Coming!

853. Hey.

854. How was your summer?

855. Well, I think I may

856. Have watched my career in

857. Super-science go up in smoke.

858. But I may have managed to pull

859. My dreams from the ashes.

860. How was yours?

861. Well, from what I hear,

862. It was amazing.

863. Have you seen pop?

864. He left new york without even

865. Saying goodbye.