1. All right, there's a fridge full of
Steak-Ums, but you gotta microwave them.
Copy !req
2. I don't want you using the stove
when we're gone.
Copy !req
3. - You can't microwave Steak-Ums.
- They get all hard!
Copy !req
4. If it's a choice between
this and the speed suit
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5. I choose the speed suit.
Copy !req
6. Let me see
my junior scientist!
Copy !req
7. I wore that suit when I had
my first New York assignment.
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8. If that suit could talk
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9. It would say "Kill me!
I'm a hideous monster!"
Copy !req
10. - See?
- Your brother is just jealous.
Copy !req
11. Yeah, I'm jealous that
I don't get to go to New York
Copy !req
12. dressed as the Jamaican flag
to work for no pay.
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13. It's an internship,
Hank.
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14. They pay you with experience
and an impressive resume!
Copy !req
15. Yeah, I'm gonna load up the X-1, Doc.
Copy !req
16. Hey, soldier, you flying with us?
Copy !req
17. No! He's staying right here
Copy !req
18. and he's getting a job
by the time we get back.
Copy !req
19. I told you that's
gonna be no problem.
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20. But I warn you that, unlike Dean,
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21. I will not be working for the man
and I plan on getting paid.
Copy !req
22. Now, I've narrowed down my list.
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23. Well, at least you crossed
out mafia don
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24. fire eater
traveling racecar salesman
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25. and my favorite gigolo.
Copy !req
26. Once I found out it had nothing
to do with Italian ice cream,
Copy !req
27. - it lost its allure.
- 'Sup, Team Venture.
Copy !req
28. Great! Dermott's gonna
help you get a job.
Copy !req
29. Mr. V., I have a full-time job,
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30. and I teach Ninjitsu classes
on the weekends.
Copy !req
31. Technically, he wears that
weird, padded giant baby suit
Copy !req
32. - for a rape-prevention class.
- That's a huge confidence builder.
Copy !req
33. All right, we got to get going.
Copy !req
34. I don't want to have to fly
at night in the X-1.
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35. I get the lights mixed up
with the lasers
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36. and then I end up blowing stuff up.
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37. I just don't want to blow stuff up
'cause I can't see.
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38. Hank, I get back in three days.
Copy !req
39. Four if Hatred got
"The Music Man" tickets.
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40. Yeah, we got tickets!
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41. "We got tickets to a Broadway show
and that rhymes with "T"
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42. I'm gonna go get the X-1.
Copy !req
43. Four days, Hank
and you better be employed.
Copy !req
44. Yeah, what is a pop-top?
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45. We take a toaster tart
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46. we shave off the top
and that's served on a bed
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47. of kind of crumbled toaster tart.
Copy !req
48. - Okay. I'll have that and a...
- Fruit punch. It's all we got.
Copy !req
49. All righty.
You have cherry?
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50. - Well, maybe.
- Maybe? What is maybe?
Copy !req
51. Maybe is we have red.
Copy !req
52. Not quite what I had in mind
for employment.
Copy !req
53. I see you have an interest
Copy !req
54. in our fine collection
of remote controls.
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55. Well, if you put your address
on our mailing list
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56. we'll be sure to contact you
when we get more in.
Copy !req
57. Hank, you know my address.
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58. It's here.
I live here.
Copy !req
59. And I don't plan on buying back
any more of my remotes.
Copy !req
60. But I am coming back
for my shoes.
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61. I hope we carry
your size.
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62. Hank, you carry my size because
those are all my shoes.
Copy !req
63. I'm sorry.
I have another customer.
Copy !req
64. Banking needs?
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65. No, I just need
a few things notarized.
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66. That's two departments down.
Copy !req
67. Dermott, finish up
with this gentleman.
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68. All right, these are all
final-sale items.
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69. Changing the terms
of my child support.
Copy !req
70. Remember when your wife used
to screw you without paperwork?
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71. That's very appropriate
for the boy to hear.
Copy !req
72. You hear a lot
in my line of work.
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73. Okay, just sign here
initial here, and here.
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74. Nikki, don't be a douche. Just
come pick me up! Dude, what?
Copy !req
75. Do you carry
double-A batteries?
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76. Hank removed all the batteries
from my remotes.
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77. I don't know.
Try the electronics department.
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78. Mom was supposed to pick me up
two hours ago! You gotta!
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79. And I assume you're the third party?
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80. Compared to Mr. Fun,
I'm the entire party.
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81. Dude, my mom's freakin'
AWOL.
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82. - I need a ride home.
- So, your mom's missing?
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83. Okay, meet me at that table
over there.
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84. One moment, gentlemen.
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85. Mine, mine
mine, mine...
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86. Smooth.
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87. - Buy you a drink?
- Are you seri... totally!
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88. - What is this, apple juice?
- Only the best.
Copy !req
89. So, what's the score?
Badger game?
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90. Blow some cabbage
on a dirty bang-tail?
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91. Get dizzy
on some Jasper's dame?
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92. Dude, I can't find my mom,
so I need a ride home.
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93. Missing person?
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94. Okay, I'll take the case.
Copy !req
95. Now let's start from the beginning.
Copy !req
96. Tell me everything.
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97. It started out as another
case of "where's mommy?"
Copy !req
98. then it turned tail faster
than a kicked pooch.
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99. "Either I'm being played
for a patsy"
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100. "or that palooka is
actually Brock's kid."
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101. You gonna come in, or are you
looking for studs in the wall?
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102. If I thought there were studs here
I wouldn't be sitting outside
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103. trying to get a snack
from Cafe Hank.
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104. Cafe's closed, but if you just want
to wag your chin, grab some bench.
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105. When I moved in with Orpheus
he neglected to tell me
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106. that there's nothing around here
open past 8:30.
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107. the old private-dick game?
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108. I'm more public and less private
about the dick game these days
Copy !req
109. but because I'm bored out
of my gourd
Copy !req
110. - let's hear the case.
- Well, Dermott...
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111. The big creepy kid you hang
around with?
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112. The same.
Well, he can't find his mom.
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113. Solved! She picked him up
four hours ago.
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114. - You were right there.
- Yeah, that was solved.
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115. But when he was giving me
the facts of the case,
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116. he dropped a bombshell
right on my lap.
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117. I found out something
I can't believe.
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118. I don't want to believe it.
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119. Did he tell you he likes
to kill small animals?
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120. Because that kid's wa-eird!
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121. Right? I used to think that
too, but, no.
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122. He comes out and tells me
he thinks his dad is Brock.
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123. Get out! Really?
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124. Seriously.
And I don't know what to do.
Copy !req
125. Well, you have to solve this case!
Copy !req
126. That's what the sign is for!
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127. That's why you have the hat!
That's why you have the whip!
Copy !req
128. - Wait. Why do you have a whip?
- Came with the hat.
Copy !req
129. It's a detective's whip.
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130. In the back!
Copy !req
131. Hey, has anyone seen Dermott?
Copy !req
132. He left with your mom
like four hours ago.
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133. I drove all the way
from the Highlands.
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134. You think he could've called me
to tell me he got a ride.
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135. You know Dermott, he's not one
for politeness, but he's a good kid.
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136. If you don't get an apology
I'll make him buy you flowers, deal?
Copy !req
137. Deal.
What are you guys doing?
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138. Me and Al have a job.
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139. I'd bend your ear on it,
but a pretty dame like you
Copy !req
140. shouldn't get involved
with this kind of thing.
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141. - It's too dangerous.
- Dangerous?
Copy !req
142. No, seriously
what are you guys doing?
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143. Scram, doll!
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144. I don't want to think about a body
like yours getting busted up over this.
Copy !req
145. Okay.
Thanks.
Copy !req
146. hey, Hank
I just want to thank you
Copy !req
147. for keeping Dermott
out of trouble and stuff.
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148. Like I said, he's a good kid.
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149. Now drift, doll.
We got to get some work done.
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150. Okay.
Bye, Hank.
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151. - And...
- Al.
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152. I'm his, gal Friday,
I guess.
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153. Right, right...
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154. Hank, I don't think Dermott's
going to apologize to anyone
Copy !req
155. so, why don't you
stop by with those flowers?
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156. Hank, you were amazing!
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157. - When did you get so smooth?
- It's the hat!
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158. I have had a crush on Dermott's
sister forever!
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159. I've never said anything to her before!
Copy !req
160. She was on you like
Sid on Nancy!
Copy !req
161. All right, Hank, I'm in.
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162. I'll be your partner
'til we solve this case
Copy !req
163. or till I get
completely bored doing it!
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164. "Me and Al hit the dives
and flophouses"
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165. "trying to dig up
some info on this dame."
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166. "We had the kind of luck that
turns a professional gambler"
Copy !req
167. "into an amateur murderer."
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168. "Your basic boob ain't
too keen on dicks."
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169. "When a bum sees a dick coming,
he don't stick around for the credits."
Copy !req
170. "Seems this old broad wasn't so
popular with the men folk."
Copy !req
171. "Every jobbie in this burg knew
the old frail,"
Copy !req
172. "but nobody copped
to pitching woo."
Copy !req
173. Geez, can you blame them?
Look at this old townie.
Copy !req
174. Hank, what was that about the
bums not liking dicks coming?
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175. What! He...
he said that!
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176. Or was it boobs...
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177. Sorry, Hank.
Never met her before.
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178. - She said I knocked her up?
- Her kid said you did.
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179. What, are you friends
with babies now?
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180. The baby's grown up.
This happened 17 years ago.
Copy !req
181. I thought now that
you're hanging around
Copy !req
182. - with guys like this...
- What are you staring at?
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183. I'm sorry.
Have we slept together before?
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184. - No.
- Would you like to?
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185. Al, quit eyeballing the Nance.
We're on a case.
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186. Yeah, I think
I'd remember this one.
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187. I don't even want to think about
what this mess looked like back then.
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188. - Could not have been good.
- Maybe on a lonely night...
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189. I've never been that drunk
and I've never been that desperate.
Copy !req
190. Sorry, kid.
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191. Relax!
I just want to talk to you.
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192. I didn't steal
those games!
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193. They were defective so they're
just being thrown out!
Copy !req
194. I'm not mall security!
Copy !req
195. - What... so who are you?
- He works with me.
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196. He's The Alchemist, seeker of truth.
Copy !req
197. You're a superhero guy and
you're hanging out with Hank?
Copy !req
198. Look, Pudgy McTalk-a-lot
I just got dumped by my lover
Copy !req
199. who then tossed me out
on my jobless ass
Copy !req
200. so I had to move in
with my boring team member
Copy !req
201. who lives in the 'burbs
and never does squat!
Copy !req
202. And I just... I just told you
too much, didn't I!
Copy !req
203. Dude, no shit.
Copy !req
204. Geez, Al
let the palooka down.
Copy !req
205. We have a couple more questions
about your case.
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206. Case?
I needed a ride home, doofus.
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207. What is this, "the case of my
mom forgot her cellphone"?
Copy !req
208. No, Wisenheimer! It's the case
of "you tell us the truth"
Copy !req
209. "or Al will make your
dentist a rich man"!
Copy !req
210. What are you...
Right! Sorry.
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211. You tell me your old man
is Brock Samson.
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212. You think I'm gonna
let that slide?
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213. I did some checking, and your facts
ain't adding up. Samson's a ringer.
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214. Well, that's what my freakin'
mom told me, you douche.
Copy !req
215. Now let me go.
I got to get back to work.
Copy !req
216. Come on, Hank, he's a kid.
Don't make me hit a kid.
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217. Yeah, like I'd even feel it.
You're like Danny Devito's penguin.
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218. Hey, man, my God!
Take it down!
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219. My mom gave me this, all right?
She said it was my dad's.
Copy !req
220. Okay?
I'm telling you the truth.
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221. Now I got to get back to work
before I get fired.
Copy !req
222. - I'm not crying.
- He's telling the truth.
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223. Al, go get the boiler.
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224. No clue.
Car? Is that the car?
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225. Yeah, the car.
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226. I am way sorry for making
a grown-up punch you, man.
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227. What? That's cool.
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228. You know, I actually stole
those video games
Copy !req
229. so I had it coming.
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230. Hey, boss.
What can I get you?
Copy !req
231. I see you made some
changes to my joint.
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232. I got to tell you, it's always
been my secret dream
Copy !req
233. to run a hash house.
I am just loving this!
Copy !req
234. and I made some adjustments
to the menu.
Copy !req
235. So, basically, we just serve eggs now.
Mostly scrambled.
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236. And all with ketchup.
So, what can I get you?
Copy !req
237. - Cup of java?
- Two.
Copy !req
238. Gotcha.
Two coffees coming up!
Copy !req
239. Hank, Hank.
Hank.
Copy !req
240. Heard you're working
the Fictel case.
Copy !req
241. Yeah, Dermott Fictel.
He misses his old man.
Copy !req
242. Fingered Samson, but it's
starting to get rotten.
Copy !req
243. So you've met Nikki?
Nikki Fictel?
Copy !req
244. - And how.
- Yeah, she's a looker, that one.
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245. Gams straight up to heaven.
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246. Great, now you're doing
the voice, too?
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247. Don't ruin this for me, Al!
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248. I've been eating eggs
and ketchup all day
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249. - waiting to do this!
- All right, sorry!
Copy !req
250. I mean,
who am I to talk, right?
Copy !req
251. So, what's your angle
on the Fictel doll?
Copy !req
252. Nikki moves
antiques.
Copy !req
253. I've done some
hefty exchanges with her.
Copy !req
254. She's a pretty big deal
in that racket.
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255. She has some, let's say,
desirable merchandise.
Copy !req
256. - She running a grift?
- It's on the up-and-up.
Copy !req
257. But in my circle,
when you can't find something,
Copy !req
258. and you got
a fistful of hot cabbage,
Copy !req
259. you dial Nikki Fictel.
You get my mean?
Copy !req
260. No. I can barely understand Hank
and you do it with a speech impediment.
Copy !req
261. Listen to me! I'm risking
my life just talking to you.
Copy !req
262. I'm just saying
that doll knows something.
Copy !req
263. Billy!
Want your leftovers boxed?
Copy !req
264. Come on!
I was wearing a hat!
Copy !req
265. "Samson denies he got sloppy
with the old dame."
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266. "Dermott insists that he did"
Copy !req
267. "then coughs up an old key
to my front door."
Copy !req
268. "Billy tells me to look at Nikki."
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269. "Like he needs to tell me
to look at Nikki."
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270. "That gorgeous twist has
my noodle so full of perfume"
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271. "I can hardly tell I haven't
washed this shirt"
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272. "since I took this miserable case."
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273. "It's time I made a house call."
Copy !req
274. - Let me ask you a question.
- Sure.
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275. It's the...
"Bewitched" question.
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276. Yes, why didn't Darrin let Samantha
just make them magically rich
Copy !req
277. so he wouldn't have to be
a workaday whipping boy?
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278. Yeah.
Where do you stand on that one?
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279. I can't make you rich, Al.
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280. I don't want that.
It's just that...
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281. You know how I can tell
if people are telling the truth.
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282. It's one of my gifts.
Hank has this case...
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283. I've noticed you've been palling
around with the young lad.
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284. That kid knows
how to have fun, Orpheus.
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285. You could learn
something from him.
Copy !req
286. Anyways, in this case
we got going,
Copy !req
287. everyone is telling the truth
and none of it adds up.
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288. I kind of want to help him.
Copy !req
289. Well, we have these powers.
Copy !req
290. They are a part of us
and we should never
Copy !req
291. be ashamed or afraid
to use them for good.
Copy !req
292. - So you'd...
- I would make Darrin filthy rich,
Copy !req
293. turn Mr. Tate into a donkey
tell Endora to get a life
Copy !req
294. and blind that nosey Mrs. Kravitz!
Copy !req
295. Excellent!
Okay, I need your help.
Copy !req
296. These are from Dermott. He's working
the overnight at the Big Bargains
Copy !req
297. - and wanted to apologize.
- You're so sweet.
Copy !req
298. You want to come in?
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299. Hey, that's my dad's
old cartoon crap.
Copy !req
300. What gives?
Copy !req
301. I was a huge fan when I was a kid.
Copy !req
302. - Not the hat.
- Sorry. Is that your good-luck hat?
Copy !req
303. Don't know yet.
I'll tell you in the morning.
Copy !req
304. You're probably sick
of all this kind of stuff.
Copy !req
305. I'll tell you, doll
old Thaddeus Venture
Copy !req
306. didn't have the savvy to save
any of them doohickeys.
Copy !req
307. - Well, that's ironic.
- That's Rusty.
Copy !req
308. You remind me so much of him.
Copy !req
309. You daffy?
Dean's just like my old man.
Copy !req
310. I'm the black sheep of the
Venture flock. I'm trouble.
Copy !req
311. No, I mean you're like Rusty
from the cartoon.
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312. Your dad's a scared little has-been
Copy !req
313. but you are just like the real
Rusty Venture.
Copy !req
314. So cool. So fearless
and... and powerful
Copy !req
315. but trapped in the body
of a young man.
Copy !req
316. Sounds like you're trying
to seduce me.
Copy !req
317. And this old Seamus
can smell it
Copy !req
318. when a chippy's pullin' a flimflam.
Copy !req
319. - What are you hiding?
- Nothing.
Copy !req
320. Well, I...
Copy !req
321. I guess I'm hiding
a huge crush on you.
Copy !req
322. I don't get involved
with my clients.
Copy !req
323. I thought you just came here
to bring me flowers.
Copy !req
324. Hat! Hat!
Copy !req
325. Sing your song!
Reveal to us your mysteries!
Copy !req
326. - In the name of Bachliel!
- Who guards the south wind!
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327. - In the name of Mithra!
- Who watches over love!
Copy !req
328. - Tell us your story!
- Morning glory!
Copy !req
329. "Relax, Orpheus.
It was funny."
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330. "It'll still work."
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331. "Geez."
Copy !req
332. Nikki, you can't raise a child!
What were you thinking?
Copy !req
333. - Were you even thinking?
- Mom, please!
Copy !req
334. - I want to keep it!
- You're still in school!
Copy !req
335. You're still a child yourself!
What is your problem? She's 15!
Copy !req
336. Did you expect me to card her?
She said she was 20!
Copy !req
337. Look, she came on to me, things
got out of hand, I'm not proud of this.
Copy !req
338. You're not proud? You fucked
the president of your fan club!
Copy !req
339. That must have been
a real challenge!
Copy !req
340. A 15-year-old girl
who worshiped you!
Copy !req
341. You should be proud
you fucking asshole!
Copy !req
342. Look, I'll pay you whatever you want.
Copy !req
343. You'll pay!
Hell, yes, you'll pay!
Copy !req
344. You live in that huge mansion
with your fancy jet planes!
Copy !req
345. You'll pay! And you
will never see this girl
Copy !req
346. - or her baby ever again!
- Mom! Please!
Copy !req
347. Well, I think that's a decision
Nikki and I need to make.
Copy !req
348. Nikki, take this, and you we'll
work this out together.
Copy !req
349. Wrong! She is 15!
That's statutory rape.
Copy !req
350. You want me to call the cops
and have this settled publicly
Copy !req
351. or do you want to crawl back
to your mansion
Copy !req
352. write us a check
and forget about all this?
Copy !req
353. Nickels... I'm so sorry.
Copy !req
354. No!
Don't go!
Copy !req
355. Sweetie...
Sweetie, he is not worth it.
Copy !req
356. We'll have the baby
if you want.
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357. I'll raise it as mine.
We're gonna make it work.
Copy !req
358. I promise you.
All right?
Copy !req
359. We're gonna be okay.
Copy !req
360. We're gonna be okay.
Copy !req
361. Just...
Copy !req
362. I see why Samantha stayed out
of Darrin's business now.
Copy !req
363. I so did not need to see that.
Copy !req
364. I'm off the case.
Copy !req
365. You and me both, partner.
Copy !req
366. Yeah, I slipped over to that
dame's joint to question her...
Copy !req
367. - and things got hot.
- What did she say?
Copy !req
368. Say? Nothing.
Copy !req
369. But she did things to me that
I didn't think were possible.
Copy !req
370. That looker ran me through the
yard and lammed off with my ticker.
Copy !req
371. Hank, take off
your detective hat
Copy !req
372. and tell me what happened!
Copy !req
373. I had sex!
Copy !req
374. I had sex with a woman!
Copy !req
375. And... and nothing will ever
be the same.
Copy !req
376. - Because of sex.
- You don't know the half of it.
Copy !req
377. And I have you to thank.
And Dermott's super-hot sister
Copy !req
378. and this old key and...
Copy !req
379. Hank? Hank?
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380. "We never discharged the spell!"
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381. "Hank!"
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382. Okay. That's...
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383. I didn't need to know that.
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384. - I am so sorry you just saw that!
- I'm gonna vomit.
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385. - Al, Al, I'm gonna vomit.
- Here, use your hat.
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386. I'm pretty sure it started all this.
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387. Are you sure this is
the only answer?
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388. I mean, can't you take away everything
but the part when I had sex?
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389. It doesn't work like that.
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390. It just shaves away
your last memory patterns.
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391. You can't select
what you want to save,
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392. just how far back you want to forget.
Sorry, tiger.
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393. Maybe I can live with sleeping
with my dad's old girlfriend
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394. and that Dermott is my
half-brother, and...
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395. No, no, no!
All right, enough!
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396. I swear, if I hear any more,
I'll want to get in the damn thing.
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397. Hank, it's cool, you've done
this before, like... a lot.
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398. - Really? I don't remember.
- Bingo, you'll be fine.
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399. Sometimes there are things we
just were never meant to know.
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400. Okay already!
I get it.
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401. I've apologized enough.
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402. And I'm getting in next
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403. because I've seen this whole
Sphinx deal.
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404. This is the second time
you've seen this machine, big boy.
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405. You and I?
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406. - And you let me erase that?
- You got a little possessive.
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407. I mean, you dumped
your boyfriend
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408. - and tried to move in with me.
- I dumped him?
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409. I thought he dumped me.
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410. And you will again
after Hank's done.
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411. Hank, you ready?
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412. Wait, just... just one more thing.
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413. - What?
- I got laid!
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414. You sure did, Hank.
You sure did.
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415. Guess what.
I had sex!
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416. "What was it like?
Okay, it's kind of like naked skydiving"
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417. "into a mountain
of warm whipped cream."
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418. "Yes, that good!
I know!"
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419. "You don't believe me.
But you have to!"
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420. "Because I'm yesterday you!"
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421. "That's how I knew you'd watch
this message immediately"
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422. "if it was labeled
Dean face plant."
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423. - That was a good move.
- "Thank you."
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424. "But, dude, I got
to make this quick."
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425. "I'm about to get
my memory wiped."
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426. Gyp!
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427. "I knew you'd say that
but trust me..."
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428. "I mean, you are me
so you trust me,"
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429. "but believe me... you learned"
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430. "a whole bunch of other things
you don't really want."
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431. "But the part
where we lost our virginity"
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432. - "I needed to remember."
- That is so cool.
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433. "You have no idea!"
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434. "I mean, you did have an idea
but now you don't."
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435. "What?
Yeah, I'm ready!"
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436. "Yeah.
And this is very important."
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437. "Get your ass to Mars."
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438. "Nah! I'm just joshin' with me."
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439. "Coming!"
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440. Hey.
How was your summer?
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441. Well, I think
I may have watched
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442. my career in super-science
go up in smoke.
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443. But I may have managed to pull
my dreams from the ashes.
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444. - How was yours?
- Well, from what I hear
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445. - it was amazing.
- Have you seen Pop?
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446. He left New York
without even saying goodbye.
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447. Subtitled by: Image Production House
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