1. All right, come on.Copy !req
2. Come—Copy !req
3. Damn it, White! How many times do I have
to tell you about refilling the roll?Copy !req
4. Huh?Copy !req
5. I can— Am I too short? I can't reach it.Copy !req
6. Oh, god!Copy !req
7. And welcome...Copy !req
8. You are not...Copy !req
9. superhuman.Copy !req
10. Whi—
White, White, White!Copy !req
11. White, get in here!Copy !req
12. Billy, I don't care how big it is...Copy !req
13. I don't want to see
what you made in there.Copy !req
14. White, I just remembered something.Copy !req
15. - What?
- Everything.Copy !req
16. It all came flooding back to me
like a tidal wave...Copy !req
17. things that happened years ago.Copy !req
18. I fell off the toilet, and suddenly
my hand started doing this weird st—Copy !req
19. Wait a minute.Copy !req
20. You! You were there, too!Copy !req
21. Hello, Goldilocks?
This is Casper.Copy !req
22. Little Nemo has fallen out of bed.Copy !req
23. Hello, and welcome to "Quizboys"!Copy !req
24. I'm your host, the ever-popular Pete White.Copy !req
25. Let's jump right in and meet
today's contestants, shall we?Copy !req
26. He's our reigning champion, who's won
over $40,000 in cash and prizes so far.Copy !req
27. - Say hello to Master Billy Whalen.
- Hi, Mr. White.Copy !req
28. So, what are you gonna
do with all that money, Billy?Copy !req
29. Well, I'm hoping
to save it for college tuition.Copy !req
30. Any idea where you want to go yet?Copy !req
31. Yes, sir!
M.I.T.Copy !req
32. I'm gonna be a superscientist
when I grow up...Copy !req
33. just like my hero,
Rusty Venture.Copy !req
34. Well, that's quite...Copy !req
35. Barkeep!Copy !req
36. Another Suffering Bastard.
Whoa!Copy !req
37. Yello?Copy !req
38. There you are.Copy !req
39. How could you just leave like that...Copy !req
40. without telling me where
you were going?Copy !req
41. Look, you're not my mother.
You're my bodyguard.Copy !req
42. How can I guard your body
if I can't be close to your body?Copy !req
43. Good god.
Barkeep, where's that Suffering Bastard?Copy !req
44. - I'm looking at him.
- Oh, ha ha ha.Copy !req
45. OK, contestants, pens down.
Time's up.Copy !req
46. The question was, "Who was
the last king of the Plantagenet dynasty?"Copy !req
47. Todd, your answer.Copy !req
48. Richard III.Copy !req
49. That's correct.Copy !req
50. OK, Billy, you get this answer right...Copy !req
51. you'll remain "Quizboys"
champion and return next week.Copy !req
52. For all the marbles...Copy !req
53. what's your answer?Copy !req
54. That's right!Copy !req
55. You win!
You're still...Copy !req
56. Hey, he cheated!
That's not what he wrote!Copy !req
57. Now, Todd, let's not be a sore loser.Copy !req
58. I'm not!
That isn't what he wrote!Copy !req
59. He's a cheater!
Cheater!Copy !req
60. Cheater!Copy !req
61. Cheater.
Todd's the little cheater, I'll tell you that.Copy !req
62. How's he gonna know what you wrote
if he wasn't peeking at your answers?Copy !req
63. I'm done!
My life is over!Copy !req
64. I'll never quiz again!Copy !req
65. Forget M.I.T. now.Copy !req
66. Aah!
I never asked for the answers.Copy !req
67. I didn't want to cheat.
You did this to me.Copy !req
68. Hey, hey. Let's not make me out
to be the bad guy here, huh?Copy !req
69. - Us freaks have to stick together.
- Us freaks?Copy !req
70. Yeah, like, fun.
A handsome TV guy like you...Copy !req
71. you'll probably end up
with a talk show out of this.Copy !req
72. No, Billy.
You see...Copy !req
73. I'm a freak, too.Copy !req
74. Well, some of us can't make
our heads smaller with makeup, OK?Copy !req
75. Look, you said Rusty Venture
was your hero, right?Copy !req
76. And how?Copy !req
77. Well, I happen to be
very good friends with him.Copy !req
78. I am, and he told me that he's about
to start a huge new project.Copy !req
79. And he needs a new head scientist
and a new lab assistant.Copy !req
80. But— but— but
what about my schooling?Copy !req
81. Experience is the best
teacher, Billy.Copy !req
82. This is better than going
to 10 M.I.T.s.Copy !req
83. The invisible hand of fate has
pushed us to this point, Billy.Copy !req
84. Our destiny lies with Dr. Rusty Venture.Copy !req
85. - You think he would have me?
- I told you I got an in.Copy !req
86. We just need to get out to his lab,
and I'll take care of the rest.Copy !req
87. Now, you got all that prize
money, right?Copy !req
88. No, I don't.
The F.C.C. froze my assets.Copy !req
89. Yeah, and I pissed away
most of my savings on blow...Copy !req
90. but I've got a brand-new set of wheels,
and I think I just might know...Copy !req
91. how we can earn
some gas money along the way.Copy !req
92. Well, well, well, well, well.Copy !req
93. If it isn't Mr. McGee and
his little friend the Hulk.Copy !req
94. Didn't notice you ladies
out there in the battlefield, as usual.Copy !req
95. That's because we're doing
real spy work, Shore Leave.Copy !req
96. Oh, that's right, I forgot.Copy !req
97. You're too busy chasing some
phantom costume terrorist organization...Copy !req
98. to help us fight
the real enemies of freedom—Copy !req
99. Sphinx.Copy !req
100. O.S.I.!Copy !req
101. We'll prove the Guild is still around,
and we'll take them down without you.Copy !req
102. - Just you wait!
- I won't hold my breath.Copy !req
103. Let's hit the showers, fellas!
Whoo!Copy !req
104. O.S.I.! O.S.I.! O.S.I.!Copy !req
105. Oh, Hunter,
Wayland Flowers called.Copy !req
106. He wants his madame back.
Boom!Copy !req
107. Oh, yeah?
Well, the Village People called...Copy !req
108. and they want you to go fucking
kill yourselves, you pansy bastards!Copy !req
109. Place has gone to hell in a ham sandwich
since they eighty-sixed the dress code.Copy !req
110. Those fellas razzing you?Copy !req
111. You want me to say something to them?Copy !req
112. - No, we got it covered, Red.
- Ha ha.Copy !req
113. Adiós, muchachos.Copy !req
114. Oh, you hear they're
gonna ban smoking in here soon?Copy !req
115. Hmm, let the swines try it.Copy !req
116. Colonel Gathers, this just came in
over the telex for you guys.Copy !req
117. We got one.Copy !req
118. I've only heard about these.
I didn't know they were real.Copy !req
119. Oh, this is as real as it gets, Billy.Copy !req
120. No lightning rounds, no bonus
questions, no mercy.Copy !req
121. You're going down, Whalen.Copy !req
122. Don't even think about pulling
any of that cheating crap in here.Copy !req
123. Yeah. Yeah, you know what they do
if they catch you cheating, don't you?Copy !req
124. They take one of your hands—Copy !req
125. your buzzer hand.Copy !req
126. W-White— White,
I can't do this.Copy !req
127. Oh, yes, you can, fella.Copy !req
128. I've seen a lot of quiz boys come and go,
and you are by far the best I've ever seen.Copy !req
129. You were put on this Earth
for one purpose, Billy, to quiz.Copy !req
130. Now, I robbed you of that
purpose once, and I'm sorry.Copy !req
131. Will you let me make it up to you?Copy !req
132. Stage moms,
clear the arena.Copy !req
133. Ladies and gentlemen,
quiz boys and girls...Copy !req
134. Welcome to the quiz doom.Copy !req
135. "Jeopardy!" rules apply—
answers in the form of a question.Copy !req
136. You have five seconds after buzzing.
Winner take all.Copy !req
137. And first question:Copy !req
138. in 1215...Copy !req
139. Billy Whalen.Copy !req
140. - What is the Magna Carta?
- Correct!Copy !req
141. Cows on my side.
That's 6-2, me.Copy !req
142. Monster!
I'll catch you yet.Copy !req
143. Show yourselves, you cowards!Copy !req
144. This is a farm belt.
Let's see some action on this side!Copy !req
145. - Cows on my side.
- Unconscionable bastards.Copy !req
146. Oh! Oh! Cemetery!
You lose all your cows.Copy !req
147. Damn it, this side's cursed.
Your turn to drive, you lurid golem.Copy !req
148. This is it, Billy.
Our new life is calling.Copy !req
149. Mr. White, how can I ever begin to repay
you for— what— what's going on?Copy !req
150. touch me, don't touch me,
don't touch me!Copy !req
151. Ya-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na!Copy !req
152. Aah!Copy !req
153. It's OK, H.E.L.P.eR.
She's gone now.Copy !req
154. - What's goin' on, Rust?
- What the hell are you doing here?Copy !req
155. "All staffed up.Copy !req
156. "Try back in a few months.Copy !req
157. "Never much good at science any—"Copy !req
158. Who does he think he is?Copy !req
159. My life is over.
I have no prospects.Copy !req
160. And my boyhood hero
is a total dick.Copy !req
161. All right, just don't you worry, fella.Copy !req
162. The pink pilgrim's gotten you this far.Copy !req
163. I'm not gonna leave you hanging
when the chips are down.Copy !req
164. In fact, I've already lined up another quiz.Copy !req
165. This doesn't look
like the usual quiz crowd.Copy !req
166. Yeah, well, I guess
we're close to the border...Copy !req
167. but the game's still the same.Copy !req
168. You get in there and work
the old magic, huh?Copy !req
169. Listos, a pelear!Copy !req
170. Aah!Copy !req
171. I didn't know, Billy, I swear.Copy !req
172. I'm finished with this, finished.Copy !req
173. Just give me my 40% and let me off.Copy !req
174. Uh, there is no money.Copy !req
175. I-I bet our whole wad, and, well,
let's be honest here, Billy, you did lose.Copy !req
176. I was disqualified
because you jumped in the ring.Copy !req
177. To get your hand.Copy !req
178. Stop the moped.
Stop this thing right now.Copy !req
179. Billy, there's coyotes out here.
You want to lose your other hand?Copy !req
180. It would be safer than spending
one more minute with you.Copy !req
181. You brought me nothing but
trouble since I met you.Copy !req
182. I never want to see you again.Copy !req
183. Oh, by the way,
I talked to the other quiz boys.Copy !req
184. Managers get 15%!Copy !req
185. Son, you look like you could
use a hand.Copy !req
186. Yello?Copy !req
187. Rust, it's White.
Let me in, I—Copy !req
188. Venture residence.Copy !req
189. Hey, Rust, let me in.Copy !req
190. I need to see Bro—Copy !req
191. Whom shall I say is calling?Copy !req
192. Come on, Rust, don't be a dick.Copy !req
193. Please do not be alarmed.Copy !req
194. We are about to engage...Copy !req
195. the nozzle.Copy !req
196. Please do not move while
the nozzle is engaging.Copy !req
197. Moving will disrupt calibration of...Copy !req
198. the nozzle.Copy !req
199. Please wait while we calibrate...Copy !req
200. the nozzle.Copy !req
201. Please do not look away from...Copy !req
202. the nozzle.Copy !req
203. The nozzle is now calibrating.Copy !req
204. The nozzle is still calibrating.Copy !req
205. The nozzle has completed calibration.Copy !req
206. Thank you.Copy !req
207. There's our pink-cheeked
junior G-man.Copy !req
208. What was that thing?Copy !req
209. I have no idea.
Standard, uh...Copy !req
210. How do you like your new body buddies?Copy !req
211. Amazing. You— you totally fixed
everything, but I-I'm still a little confused.Copy !req
212. I mean, why me?Copy !req
213. You fit the profile.Copy !req
214. Deformed, disgraced.Copy !req
215. An extra-intelligent superfreak
shunned by an unforgiving world.Copy !req
216. Yeah, that sounds like a profile
for, like, suicide.Copy !req
217. Or an international supervillain.Copy !req
218. We've been investigating
a university professor...Copy !req
219. we believe is secretly a major recruiter...Copy !req
220. for a global underground
crime syndicate.Copy !req
221. Drumroll.
The Guild of Calamitous Intent.Copy !req
222. From the old Rusty Venture TV show?Copy !req
223. You see? You see?Copy !req
224. Well, that's just a dramatiz-iz-iza—Copy !req
225. Dramatization.Copy !req
226. Yeah, the real Guild is still out there
operating in secret— we think.Copy !req
227. And this professor is the key.Copy !req
228. Check out his cuff links.Copy !req
229. So— so, you, what, you want me
to assassinate this guy or something?Copy !req
230. No. We want you to ace his class.Copy !req
231. Congratulations, lad.Copy !req
232. You're now a fully matriculated
student of State University.Copy !req
233. Oh. I-I kind
of wanted to go to M.I.T.Copy !req
234. And I wanted to be born
with big, beautiful tits!Copy !req
235. Make some lemonade with this, will ya?Copy !req
236. Ah, young Mr. Whalen.Copy !req
237. Do find a seat quickly, Quizboy.Copy !req
238. I was starting to teach your
more punctual peers.Copy !req
239. Sorry, Professor Fantomos.
I had trouble finding the building.Copy !req
240. Yes, yes.
It's a great big, new world for you.Copy !req
241. And, Mr. Quizboy, I heard you
were recently exonerated...Copy !req
242. but allow me to impress one
thing upon you—Copy !req
243. we do not tolerate
cheating at State University.Copy !req
244. The punishment is severe.Copy !req
245. Professor Fantomos,
you're needed in the office.Copy !req
246. Ah, well, if you'll excuse me, class.Copy !req
247. Stevie, would you please take
over the lecture for me?Copy !req
248. Kessler's, chapter four.Copy !req
249. And, students, I expect those
papers on my desk...Copy !req
250. at the start of the next class.Copy !req
251. OK, guys, uh, page 72.Copy !req
252. Um, we're learning...Copy !req
253. Hmm, wonder if it's the same Stevie.Copy !req
254. Oh! Ge—Copy !req
255. Get ahold of yourself
and stop hyperventilating!Copy !req
256. This is a small car god damn it.Copy !req
257. Just keep your cool
and don't blow the mission.Copy !req
258. We're getting excellent intel out of you.Copy !req
259. What intel?
I've— I've been here for a day.Copy !req
260. I haven't done any spying yet.Copy !req
261. Sure, you have.
That new eye of yours—Copy !req
262. actually a 3-D laser matrix
holographic camera.Copy !req
263. And this little pud puller
stores all the data.Copy !req
264. What?
You guys wired me?Copy !req
265. Are you kidding?
You're a walking wire, and right now...Copy !req
266. you need to walk back in there
and do your god-given duty.Copy !req
267. There are no free hands
in this business, son.Copy !req
268. Ehm—
I'm sorry, Sheila...Copy !req
269. but if I extend the deadline
for one student...Copy !req
270. I'd have to extend it
for all of them.Copy !req
271. Well, thank you, anyway,
Professor Fantomos.Copy !req
272. Mr. Whalen, thank you for coming.Copy !req
273. Professor Fantomos,
if this is about my paper, I'm really sorry.Copy !req
274. We'll get to that, but first I wanted
to see how you were holding up...Copy !req
275. and extend my deepest
condolences about Stevie.Copy !req
276. Oh, I'm the one who should be sorry.Copy !req
277. I understand he was your lab
assistant for some time?Copy !req
278. Yes, he was
quite a clever boy—Copy !req
279. regrettable, which brings us
to the other reason I asked you here.Copy !req
280. My paper.
You see—Copy !req
281. I'll be needing a new lab assistant,
and I'd like him to be you.Copy !req
282. Me? Oh— oh— oh,
I-I don't think I'm ready.Copy !req
283. Nonsense! I read your paper.
It was brilliant, perfect.Copy !req
284. Frankly, I think my class
may be beneath you.Copy !req
285. And this ingenious contraption
you've built—Copy !req
286. based on a Mike Sariamo design,
is it not?Copy !req
287. He was a student of mine, you know.Copy !req
288. Ah, the brightest mind I've ever
taught— until now.Copy !req
289. There's something you should
know, William.Copy !req
290. Like you, I was born...
different.Copy !req
291. Yes, my family rejected me...Copy !req
292. the last son in a long line
of costumed adventurers.Copy !req
293. Clearly, I couldn't take
on the mantle of my forebears...Copy !req
294. with this body, so I instead
turned to science.Copy !req
295. What nature, in her caprice,
left unfinished...Copy !req
296. science had the power
to make whole again.Copy !req
297. And now that I've acquired this,
my work here is nearly complete.Copy !req
298. You see, I've recently become
the beneficiary...Copy !req
299. of a rather generous grant from the Guild...Copy !req
300. of collegiate investors.Copy !req
301. Oh, I-I— what?
Oh.Copy !req
302. Well, OK, well, I'd love to help you,
professor...Copy !req
303. but I don't know if I can handle
the extra work.Copy !req
304. Nonsense!Copy !req
305. The university bylaws clearly
stipulate that the roommate...Copy !req
306. of a suicide is automatically
granted a 4.0 for the semester.Copy !req
307. You've got a free ride...Copy !req
308. Mr. Whalen, that I might have
you all to myself.Copy !req
309. The invisible hand of fate
has brought us together, Quizboy.Copy !req
310. We freaks— if you'll pardon
the crude vernacular...Copy !req
311. must work in tandem.Copy !req
312. I don't think he's your guy.Copy !req
313. Of course he is.
All the intel points to it, damn it.Copy !req
314. Again with the intel.
You saw what he said.Copy !req
315. He's not in the Guild of Calamitous Intent.Copy !req
316. It's like a businessman's club
or something.Copy !req
317. That's what they said about
the Bilderberg group, son...Copy !req
318. and then whammo!
Berlin Wall comes tumbling down.Copy !req
319. - No, it hasn't.
- Oh, it will, kiddo.Copy !req
320. It was decided at the last meeting.Copy !req
321. Billy, you got to do
the lab-assistant gig.Copy !req
322. - You're our only hope now.
- What do you mean, "now"?Copy !req
323. Well, look, I didn't
want to tell you this...Copy !req
324. but Stevie was our other
man on the inside.Copy !req
325. Code name— Pussyface.Copy !req
326. Is that why he killed himself?Copy !req
327. Open your eyes, kid.Copy !req
328. Your real one.Copy !req
329. Fantomos killed him because
he was getting too close— we think.Copy !req
330. And you expect me to take his place?Copy !req
331. No way, José!Copy !req
332. Relax, he's not gonna kill you.Copy !req
333. How can you be so sure?Copy !req
334. Because he's crazy about you.Copy !req
335. He loved your paper.Copy !req
336. I never wrote my paper.Copy !req
337. I spent the night explaining the dead Stevie
in the closet to the campus police.Copy !req
338. That's why we wrote it for you.Copy !req
339. Well, Stephen Hawking did.
We called in a favor.Copy !req
340. That's cheating.Copy !req
341. Cheating is what the spy
business is all about, boy chick.Copy !req
342. Why, if we don't keep our eyes
on our neighbor's paper...Copy !req
343. the baddies get the bomb,
and the whole world goes kablooey.Copy !req
344. You keep thinking you're here
on the G.I. bill or something, kid.Copy !req
345. You are not here to write essays!Copy !req
346. You're not even in college!Copy !req
347. You are in the office of secret intelligence,
you damn, dirty, little crybaby freak!Copy !req
348. - Hyah!
- Ow!Copy !req
349. Oh, watch the balls!Copy !req
350. Get him!Copy !req
351. Ah, there you are.
Come at once.Copy !req
352. The reactor's all fired up and ready.Copy !req
353. I need you to monitor the experiment.Copy !req
354. Wait, I don't think
I'm qualified to do that.Copy !req
355. I-I cheated.Copy !req
356. Don't you think
I know that, William?Copy !req
357. - You do?
- Of course.Copy !req
358. You did what any of us
who were born different...Copy !req
359. need to do to get
a leg up on everyone else...Copy !req
360. particularly when we're born
without proper ones.Copy !req
361. And what of it?Copy !req
362. Those quiz-show simpletons have
no right to keep a genius...Copy !req
363. from his dreams over petty money.Copy !req
364. Quiz show?
No, that's not what I was—Copy !req
365. Could you be a dear and get that for me?Copy !req
366. Oh, sure, Professor.Copy !req
367. What are you doing?Copy !req
368. Being born again,
my little friend.Copy !req
369. These mechanical husks
are more than mere prosthetics.Copy !req
370. They're muscle-growth accelerators...Copy !req
371. incubators for my
glorious new normal limbs.Copy !req
372. You're gonna grow new arms and legs?Copy !req
373. Precisely, my prodigiously
perspicacious protégé.Copy !req
374. Only the tremendous power
I require to do so...Copy !req
375. was always beyond my grasp.Copy !req
376. That is, until the Guild provided
the atomic get-up-and-go.Copy !req
377. Now, fire it up, my boy.Copy !req
378. It's— it's working.
I feel it.Copy !req
379. Unspeakable power courses through
my every fibrous sinew.Copy !req
380. I feel as if I could take over the world!Copy !req
381. More power!Copy !req
382. Yes!Copy !req
383. They're becoming more than normal—
better, stronger...Copy !req
384. dare I say superhuman?Copy !req
385. More power, William!Copy !req
386. Something's amiss.Copy !req
387. Check the core wall
displacement sequencer.Copy !req
388. I-I-I don't know what that is.Copy !req
389. Of course you do.
You wrote a paper on it.Copy !req
390. No, Professor Fantomos, I didn't.Copy !req
391. I didn't write it.Copy !req
392. I cheated!Copy !req
393. Oh, bother.
Ohh!Copy !req
394. Aah!Copy !req
395. Aaahh!Copy !req
396. Aaaahhh!Copy !req
397. He died for my sin.Copy !req
398. Billy, don't worry, we're here!Copy !req
399. Bad news.Copy !req
400. The most asinine...Copy !req
401. slop-happiest piece of espionage
I've ever seen!Copy !req
402. Look at me when
I'm talking to you, Samson!Copy !req
403. Don't you want to wait
till Hunter gets here?Copy !req
404. You're gonna strain your voice
yelling twice.Copy !req
405. Colonel Gathers has been
transferred to Guam...Copy !req
406. effective 0700 this morning.Copy !req
407. Your windmill-chasing days
are over, Sancho Panza.Copy !req
408. You got a new assignment.Copy !req
409. Aw, come on.
This is rookie stuff.Copy !req
410. - Dismissed, Samson!
- What about the kid?Copy !req
411. What, do you want to adopt him?Copy !req
412. I said take it on the arches.Copy !req
413. Psi-Ops needs guinea pigs
for their memory-wipe project, OK?Copy !req
414. So, unlike you, he still works here.Copy !req
415. Billy?Copy !req
416. Billy, you OK, fella?Copy !req
417. White.Copy !req
418. Brock.Copy !req
419. Dr. Venture, where—Copy !req
420. It's OK, Pally.
You just took a little fall is all.Copy !req
421. You're safe now.Copy !req
422. Oh, I was having
the weirdest—Copy !req
423. you sons of bitches!Copy !req
424. Come on!
Oh, hey, hey!Copy !req
425. Whoa!
Whoa! Easy!Copy !req