1. You're kidding me!
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2. Take that!
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3. Hank, are you even close to finished?
Dad!
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4. Dean, you smell like a whore.
What's that? Not again!
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5. - Brock!
- What?
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6. - You said to put on your best outfit.
- Outfit, Hank.
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7. - Not costume.
- What the f...?
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8. I guess you can't come.
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9. - Right? Hank can't come?
- Nice try, Dean.
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10. I'm giving you three minutes
to get changed...
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11. or you walk and
I let Dean drive the Charger.
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12. - What did you do, shave with a hatchet?
- I used the razor with the pink handle.
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13. That's my daisy!
I use that one for my head.
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14. - I thought God shaved your head.
- He does!
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15. But he leaves the sides,
Mr. Wisenheimer.
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16. I have been attempting to stave off
this awkward, yet necessary conversation.
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17. - Please, dad.
- This is my duty!
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18. What is funny about my duty?
You know I take my duty quite seriously.
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19. You said...
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20. - Never mind.
- I share your nervousness.
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21. But there are certain facts
that a father must impart to his daughter...
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22. on occasions such as this...
Yes, "doody". Clever.
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23. - Dad...
- Hear me out!
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24. When young women reach oestrus...
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25. the lingam craves...
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26. the stamen-like skills of the yoni.
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27. - This is quite natural.
- Dad, come on. I'm doing you a favor.
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28. Yes, Mr. Venture has been kind enough
to give me some leeway with the rent...
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29. if I get the boys, as he says,
"out of his hair" for the evening.
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30. But as you know, tonight
I teach conjuring at the new school.
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31. It's not a problem.
Kim and I could use a free dinner.
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32. It's just that boys at their age
have unchecked desires coursing...
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33. nay, raging, as a tempest would,
through their tingling nethers!
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34. Come on, dad!
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35. I'm going on a date with...
the Venture Brothers!
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36. Rembrandt van Rijn.
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37. 150 years ago,
Delacroix said of Rembrandt...
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38. that his works would be held
higher than those of Raphael.
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39. His blasphemous prophecy
came true within 50 years.
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40. And this one could be yours
for the pittance of 10 million. American.
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41. - No, I want the Mona Lisa.
- Look.
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42. The Mona Lisa's not a better painting,
merely more famous.
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43. And it was made more famous
because it was stolen.
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44. - And this was stolen, so...
- What about her famous smile?
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45. Whatever. She looks like a horse!
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46. It's tiny, you know,
the thing is like, this big.
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47. - Really?
- Yes, really. So this is cheaper.
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48. By the... By the foot.
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49. My queen has arrived.
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50. And bearing wine shandies.
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51. My own variation
on tinto de verano.
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52. Just a little what-not
I picked up in Costa de la Lu...
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53. - What is this crap?
- It's a Rembrandt, how dare you?
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54. I know it's a Rembrandt.
This is arch-villainy to you!
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55. It's a stolen Rembrandt.
That's nefarious.
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56. That's... That's kind of evil. No?
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57. When I met you, you wouldn't
even bother with guys like that.
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58. Not everybody has a trust fund
like your insect ex-boyfriend.
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59. If you think I'll go back to a diet
of Rammen Noodles and Spaghetti-Os...
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60. driving around in a Honda Accord
with a ghost on the hood, sorry.
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61. I have plans.
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62. - What are you doing?
- I'm wringing my hands... menacingly.
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63. Well, nobody can see that!
You're a bookkeeper.
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64. Nothing more than an accountant
in spandex, and you don't even know it!
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65. You want evil!
You want the old stuff?
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66. Fine!
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67. Happy?
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68. - F... great, I think I killed him.
- No, I'm not happy.
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69. - All of this is ludicrous!
- Great! He's bleeding from his wounds.
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70. - Way to over-react!
- I'll need some seltzer.
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71. - What are you thinking?
- This carpet is Persian! Irreplaceable!
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72. What with there not
being a Persia anymore.
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73. Forget it!
I'm gonna go change.
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74. We've those stupid dinner plans
with The Monarch at eight.
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75. That seltzer isn't going to get itself!
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76. 24! Ready The Monarch Mobile!
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77. Your leader has a date.
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78. We kind of don't have
a Monarch Mobile anymore.
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79. - Why not?
- We ditched it!
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80. The heat was on us, after that
Venture brother thing, so we thought...
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81. - All right, fine. What are our options?
- We can take my Nissan Stanza.
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82. - Shotgun call, totally!
- What color is it?
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83. Is it diabolical?
Or at least butterfly colored?
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84. - It's powder blue. Mostly.
- Great.
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85. - 21, what do you drive?
- His powder blue Stanza.
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86. I'm finished with work for today.
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87. No, I wanted the boys away
because I made a discovery of the...
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88. Bond scientific kind.
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89. - What did you find? Are you OK?
- I'm more than OK.
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90. While perusing TV guide,
I found a little, shall I say, flick...
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91. starring a one Miss Dolly Parton.
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92. Yeah, it seems she made a racy film...
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93. called /The Best
/Little Whorehouse in Texas!
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94. Yeah, Doc, you're gonna
be disappointed there...
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95. Don't ruin it for me!
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96. I have popcorn popping
and the VCR set for stun.
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97. - You wanna watch it with me?
- No, I'm cool, I...
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98. I gotta drive the boys to dinner.
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99. I get it!
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100. Yeah, this kind of films are meant
to be watched solo, mono.
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101. Yeah, that's it.
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102. So, are they cute?
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103. Well, Dean, he's kinda cute.
He dresses like Buddy Holly.
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104. - That's cool.
- But I think he does it accidentally.
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105. - What about my date?
- Hank? Yeah. Well...
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106. He's blond, and...
more, like, athletic.
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107. - Sounds good. How does he dress?
- Like Fred from Scooby Doo.
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108. Well, put in my mix tape,
it's right on the dash.
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109. It says, "Chillin' with my peeps,
and my main man The Monarch."
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110. We have to stop
and pick up my... date.
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111. I thought Dr. Girlfriend
was gonna be there!
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112. Yes, with that dick, Phantom Limb!
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113. I plan to use
the never-failed strategy of jealousy!
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114. - Who's your date?
- I met her on the /Live Journal.
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115. Which I kept in prison.
I have been blogging.
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116. After posting an especially attractive
picture of my prison-sculpted abs...
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117. she commented
that I was not only "lean"...
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118. I was "to have sex",
whatever that means.
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119. Any advice? You know,
this being our first big date and all?
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120. Yeah.
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121. - No?
- No.
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122. Don't pull out her chair, kiss her hand,
or anything like that, it's kind of dorky.
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123. Just be yourself.
Wait! Here, take this.
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124. It's got plenty of money,
and it doesn't have a cartoon bee on it.
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125. Don't let them pay for anything,
and if you end up going to, like, a movie...
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126. you call me on the two-way, OK?
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127. What about me?
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128. Any advice to help me score
with my mystery date?
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129. Yeah, don't say "score" or anything close
to "mystery date" in front of her.
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130. And don't do that
"Do you like seafood?" joke either.
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131. Can do! Gosh, she would
totally know that joke already.
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132. You're awfully quiet.
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133. What?
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134. Stop that!
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135. And then you go, "My brother
can jump over, like, ten garbage cans!"
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136. And then I'll say something cool, like...
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137. "If I can keep the front wheel
from bursting into flames." OK?
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138. And don't forget to call me
"the Hankanator."
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139. I'll do no such... They're here!
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140. Dude, sit down!
We have to play it cool.
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141. Observe how I scope out
my mystery date...
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142. whilst I pretend
to look at my watch.
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143. Holy moly, look at my date!
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144. She's a Supervillain!
Possibly a Medusa.
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145. Dean, I am not kidding.
She has rope for hair and a shiny costume!
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146. Not fair, she's wearing goggles!
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147. Told you she would dig
my Batman suit, but no!
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148. Go sit somewhere! Watch my back
and pretend you don't know me.
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149. We're dressed like butterflies,
it's gonna be kinda difficult.
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150. Jollyrancher82,
never get henchmen.
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151. You know, that's not my real name.
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152. Well, how was I supposed to know?
I used /my real name.
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153. I just thought, you know, "The Monarch,"
I thought you were into cos play.
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154. Real name. And I am into
costume /business, not costume play.
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155. Sh...! They're here! Fawn over me!
Treat me as if I am candy!
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156. She's gorgeous!
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157. She is heat incarnate.
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158. When I met her she looked like
that girl Saffron from the band /Republica.
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159. She had those red
streaky things in her hair.
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160. - I heard she was kind of manly.
- That's ridiculous!
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161. Who would say such things?
The woman is a delicate flower.
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162. That dude she's with?
That's Phantom Limb.
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163. When he was at college,
he was a scrawny little wuss.
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164. In a desperate attempt
to be cooler than guys like me...
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165. he had his 12-year old roommate create
a machine that speeds up muscle-building.
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166. The machine worked so well
that every molecule in his extremities...
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167. was accelerated
beyond the speed of light!
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168. There were two side effects.
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169. One, he can mess up a guy
just by touching him.
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170. And two, he became a humorless dick!
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171. - How do you think he floats like that?
- He's not floating, his legs are invisible.
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172. - What?
- Yeah.
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173. Used to be a good guy actually.
When he and Billy, that weird midget...
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174. won a bunch of money at /Card Sharks,
invented a time machine.
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175. He became a villain, and the story is that...
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176. the time machine was,
like, broken or something.
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177. So Phantom Limbs' arms and legs
and Billy's hand...
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178. were sent 40 years into the future.
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179. - I loved /Card Sharks!
- Great show.
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180. - That guy's, like, just a torso.
- Yeah! That's Phantom Limb.
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181. I don't think he professionally hates
my dad, but he totally hates my dad.
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182. I think he used to be
a famous magician.
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183. And one time, while performing
for the Queen of England...
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184. he accidentally made
his arms and legs disappear.
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185. They're now on the moon,
with a whole bunch of rabbits and doves...
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186. and playing cards
and pretty assistants and some milk.
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187. - Never happened.
- Did!
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188. I also heard
that he sliced off a kid's hand.
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189. And ate it! Yeah.
It was that bigheaded guy...
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190. that operated on your balls, Dean.
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191. Hank, don't you have
to go to the bathroom?
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192. What are you, psychic?
I totally do!
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193. Weird! Well ladies...
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194. seems that young Dean here
needs an escort to the bathroom.
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195. If there's any trouble,
you just give Hank here a holler.
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196. Now this one allows the holder
to watch three separate scientists.
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197. Headquarters insurance, with the exception
of bog or volcano hideouts...
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198. full henchmen coverage,
and a nice little mutiny clause.
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199. Whatever! Just give me the one
that lets me take down Venture!
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200. We like to keep
our dreams small, don't we?
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201. Fine, another 38 with henchmen.
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202. Look who's talking!
The Great Phantom Limb!
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203. The most deadly villain of all time, my ass!
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204. You're in granny glasses,
selling me insurance!
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205. - Keep it down, please.
- I'll have you know...
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206. I could take the entire Venture family out
with one phone call!
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207. Sure you could!
That family's indestructible!
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208. - I dare you!
- Fine!
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209. I need an immediate blackout.
Four, and a robot.
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210. Syndicate number,
Victor. Echo. November. Seven-Niner.
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211. Roger, dispatching
Blackout Team now.
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212. - What are you doing?
- I hate that song.
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213. Niner, nice touch.
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214. Within the hour...
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215. the entire Venture family...
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216. will be dead.
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217. Come on! Not again!
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218. I need you in the panic room,
The compound is on full lock-down.
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219. I am this close to seeing Dolly's goods!
I mean, they can't sing forever!
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220. Honestly, this nonsense happens
once a week, I'm not gonna...
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221. - Why are you naked?
- To prey on their fear.
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222. Move like an animal to feel the kill.
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223. Right, now you're scaring me.
What's going on?
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224. I don't know. But judging
from these goggles, it's the Guild.
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225. Seems like you made it
to the big league, what did you do?
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226. Nothing, I was just sitting here
watching the worst porno ever.
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227. Is that a head?
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228. Don't be a nervous nellie.
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229. The generators'll kick in in...
There you go.
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230. This is different, Brock. Isn't it?
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231. We might not win this one.
You get to the panic room!
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232. OK. Just let me finish
peeing on myself.
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233. H.E.L.P. ER, institute tactical
and defensive weaponry.
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234. Escort the doctor to the panic room!
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235. Well, isn't this wonderful?
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236. My favorite part is when /you decided
to kill the Venture family.
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237. No, wait! It was
when /your fake date ran off crying!
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238. - Come on, Monarch, how old was she?
- Will you look at me?
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239. I'm in a f... butterfly costume. What
age group do you think is attracted to me?
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240. Super. Well, if you gentlemen
will excuse me...
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241. I'm going to powder my nose,
or whatever the /cliché is.
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242. Nice one!
Look what you did!
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243. Yeah. I did that.
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244. Strange, you almost can't feel it.
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245. No, don't move.
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246. The knife is still in you, the blade right
between the kidney and the spleen.
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247. - Just a twitch...
- It feels almost cold.
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248. You tell me your target,
and I slide the knife out.
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249. You might live, or...
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250. Blackout. Four and a robot.
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251. Good boy.
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252. I think you may have got the kidney.
I don't wanna die alone.
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253. - Don't go.
- I don't think I hit your kidney.
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254. No, no, you totally did.
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255. Please, hold me.
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256. I'm pretty sure I missed the kidney.
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257. You could bleed to death
in, like, four hours, but...
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258. I see a tunnel. I'm scared.
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259. - Could you stroke my hair?
- Look, you are not gonna...
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260. Can you sing to me?
Could you sing a /Technotronic song?
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261. - Maybe /Pump up the Jam?
- I don't know...
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262. What about /Move This?
Do you know that one?
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263. Baby let me...
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264. All signed.
Guess I'm back in the Guild.
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265. Not that it matters, with you believing
you destroyed the Venture Family.
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266. Do you love her?
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267. Don't do this crap. This is way
too high school for me. It's embarrassing.
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268. I'm not letting her go.
So for your sake, I hope you do.
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269. I hope you don't.
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270. H.E.L.P. ER, I need you to get the boys!
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271. H.E.L.P. ER, the boys are in danger!
What the?
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272. H.E.L.P. ER! Damn it!
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273. Doc! Doc!
Stay in the panic room!
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274. I have to protect the boys, Doc!
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275. Don't move! I'll be back.
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276. Totally ruined!
Special thanks to you, Hankanator!
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277. - She'll never talk to me again!
- You can't hide in here all night.
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278. You have to get back on that horse.
You gotta grab her and go...
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279. ..."Triana, I'm gonna kiss you.
- Hank...
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280. "I'm gonna kiss you on the mouth,
and you're gonna love..."
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281. - Hank!
- What?!
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282. - You have a stain.
- What? Come on!
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283. Why does that happened?
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284. I shook it so hard
I almost hit that pink puck.
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285. - Well, did you dab?
- What?
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286. - Dab! Did you dab?
- No.
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287. - I dab.
- I don't.
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288. - You should dab.
- Stop saying dab!
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289. - Brock, please, Brock!
- Doc, I'm going for the boys.
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290. - They're a target.
- Brock? Brock?
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291. - Doc, you OK?
- Emphatically no, Brock.
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292. - Can't see you, what's going on?
- I'm on the V-com.
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293. I made it to the panic room.
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294. H.E.L.P. ER kept them off at first,
but man, those guys were persistent!
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295. Most of my blood is on the floor...
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296. and the only thing keeping me alive
is our lack of storage.
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297. If you don't come save me,
I'm going to fire you, Brock.
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298. You gotta try to hold on, Doc.
I'll be back soon!
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299. Brock, you're fired.
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300. Steak fries.
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301. Always soggy.
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302. F... - this!
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303. Well, maybe you could
put more water on it.
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304. Then it'll look like you accidentally
splashed it washing your hands.
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305. Or like I completely hauled off
and whizzed all over myself.
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306. - I'll get it. Hi, Brock.
- Dean, are you safe? Where are you?
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307. - Yeah, we're fine. We're in the bathroom.
- Date's over, I'm coming to get you.
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308. You heard? I swear,
I didn't kiss her hand or anything.
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309. - But Hank...
- Enter ingenuity, Deano!
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310. You've gotta try this.
It feels too good!
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311. It feels like somebody with a fever
is yelling at my pants!
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312. - This rules!
- OK.
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313. Brock, this place is crawling
with guys who hate dad.
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314. That figures.
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315. - Stay in the bathroom! Don't move!
- Alright!
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316. Where did everybody go?
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317. - When did that happen?
- It beats me.
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318. The Monarch is probably waiting in the car,
he's gonna kill us for dawdling.
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319. - Pay the bill, I gotta use the can.
- I'm not gonna stay here alone.
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320. I look like an idiot!
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321. You just ate dinner with a guy
dressed exactly like you.
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322. At least I look
like a popular idiot.
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323. We need one of these at home!
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324. It's better than sitting
sideways on a swing!
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325. You have got to try this! OK?
You know, like, in the pool?
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326. - What are they doing here?
- How do I know?
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327. - Gotta tell the boss.
- I'm not going out there.
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328. Dude, get outta here,
I gotta take a Count Dooku.
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329. I swear...
My pants are on fire! Dean! Dean!
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330. My pants are on fire! Don't!
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331. Dude, stop wailing on my jug!
Throw water on it!
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332. No way!
That's what started this!
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333. Well, then take it easy.
Just dab, dab it!
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334. Can't believe
it's hard to kill these two.
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335. Don't talk to me, if I push any harder
I'm gonna pop a gasket!
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336. Pretend you're alone.
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337. - Wait. You hear Phantom Limb?
- Blackout target...
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338. Victor, Echo, November, Seven-Niner
is in daddy's lap.
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339. Repeat, in daddy's lap.
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340. Call off Blackout Team.
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341. Daddy is going
to put the boys to bed... himself.
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342. Yes, I'm going to kill them.
It's a very simple metaphor.
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343. Copy, big daddy.
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344. Quick, just play something.
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345. How many /Yazz albums
do you have on here?
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346. Control to Blackout Team, stand down.
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347. Daddy is going to put
the boys to bed himself.
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348. Can I ask you a question?
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349. Yes, I belong in here,
I just have a deep voice.
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350. - OK, can I ask you another one?
- Sure.
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351. - What color lipstick is that?
- Pink poodle. It's a matt color.
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352. They give a Guild discount.
You're in the Guild, right?
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353. - I don't know what the Guild means.
- Tell me about it!
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354. I don't know anymore myself.
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355. So, do you work single,
number two a man?
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356. - I don't really have a guy.
- Well, let me give you my card.
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357. I like your look. Now,
I've had it up to here with men...
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358. and I think we
might make a nice team.
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359. Call me.
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360. Did you see that?
That woman just totally hit on me.
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361. She wasn't hitting on you, read the card.
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362. Oh, my God! I knew it!
She's a Supervillain, that is so cool.
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363. She thought I was a bad guy.
I am so gonna do this.
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364. Naked.
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365. - Holy crap!
- Whatever it is, we didn't do it.
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366. I believe you.
Stay here, don't do anything.
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367. - Do you understand?
- Yes, sir. Yes, I understand, sir.
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368. Well, on the up side,
I finally dropped one.
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369. Yeah, me too.
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370. Hello, Brock.
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371. I was wondering when you'd show up.
I had nothing to do with this.
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372. Phantom Nimrod was showing off
in front of my girlfriend. I told him...
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373. - Alright, stay out of this one.
- No, duh? He's in the next stall.
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374. - He has that dickweed boss of yours.
- Don't push it.
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375. Nice ass, Samson.
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376. Brock Samson, the Venture mule.
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377. Do you always hang out naked
in the men's bathroom?
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378. Why did you do it?
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379. Why do men like us do anything?
Because we can.
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380. Wrong answer! How would you like
your neck to match your arms?
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381. You take me out
and the Guild of Calamitous Intent...
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382. will rain down on you /en masse.
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383. Every woman you've loved,
every mouth you've kissed...
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384. every hand you've shaken
will fall dead to the ground.
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385. I'm aware of that.
So let me give you a warning.
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386. If you ever stick your goons
on the Venture family...
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387. /my family, I will...
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388. Yes, of course.
Scary, scary.
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389. It won't happen again.
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390. Funny, what we men are capable of
when we fear our women leaving us.
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391. Being a man,
it's so much easier to kill than to love.
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392. I'm sorry.
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393. Thank you.
We're not so different, you and I.
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394. Yeah, I don't need another "we're not
so different" speech, I get those a lot.
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395. Yes, I'm sure you do.
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396. Then shall we just shake hands
and leave as enemies?
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397. For a minute there...
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398. I thought you were going to do
your... killer hand thing.
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399. So did I.
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400. What happened in there?
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401. - You wouldn't believe me if I told you.
- You wanna get dessert?
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402. - I do!
- I'm gonna be a Supervillain!
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403. Yeah, I'm gonna be Batman.
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404. Go Team Venture!
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405. Dude, I warned you.
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406. I think I just found
my first arch-enemies.
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407. Oh yeah, it's a musical.
You never get to see anything!
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408. Here it is new, Dr. Venture.
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409. Don't lift anything for a while
or your arm might fall off.
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410. - Really?
- No, I'm joking, but...
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411. don't lift anything,
cause it could fall off.
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412. - Thanks, Billy. What are you doing?
- Nothing.
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413. The hand gets kinda buggy when I use it
for delicate work, it's fine now.
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414. - How did you get that thing?
- Excellent question, I've no idea.
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415. /Ils mangent de la soupe.
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