The Twilight Zone 3x30

1. You're traveling through another dimension.

2. A dimension not only of sight and sound, but of mind.

3. A journey into a wondrous land

4. whose boundaries are that of imagination.

5. Your next stop, the Twilight Zone.

6. "Well," I says to Jack Pershing,

7. "General, we ain't gonna get no artillery support.

8. "They're dug in too deep. Well, we're gonna have to enfilade 'em."

9. "That's what we're gonna have to do."

10. We're gonna have to enfilade 'em to beat the band."

11. Frisby, when are you gonna burn that mouth organ

12. or at least learn how to play it?

13. Well, it relaxes me. Well, "Old Black Jack" knew who he was dealing with.

14. He didn't call me "Old Enfiladin' Frisby" for nothing.

15. Horseradish. Where do you keep the horseradish, Frisby?

16. Top shelf.

17. And ketchup?

18. Right in back of the cash register.

19. Well, the next morning, we attacked up and down the line,

20. and the rest is history. Smashed them to bits.

21. Four and a half hours later, we were in Paris,

22. and an hour later, we're in Berlin.

23. Oh.

24. Be my guest.

25. Frisby, you're the biggest liar that ever set by a stove.

26. You doubting my word?

27. You can start with that. I'm not just

28. doubting your word. I'm calling you a liar.

29. How can you get from Paris to Berlin in one hour?

30. Find the celery, Pete?

31. Yep. How about turnips?

32. Oh, all out. Get some in the morning.

33. We're waiting, Frisby. How do you go from Paris to Berlin in one hour?

34. Well, now, that's what made the operation so fantastic.

35. See, I was doing a little reconnoitin' and found a back route.

36. Well, that's very interesting, Frisby, except last week,

37. you sat right in that dang chair and told us you was in the balloon corps.

38. Over the Battle of the Marne, you shot down three German Fokkers with a pistol

39. and you directed the artillery so the marines could win.

40. Well, I did. I did, indeed.

41. But that was a year later.

42. Let's see, that was April 1917.

43. Well, looks like rain. Tell by the clouds.

44. Always tell by the clouds.

45. Now, that big job up there that is a "stratocumulus opacus."

46. You fellows know anything about meteorology?

47. Here we go again.

48. I can't say we do, Frisby.

49. Well, I can say that I do.

50. Majored in it at the University of Wichita. Got my doctorate.

51. Wrote a thesis at the age of 13

52. that's still used as standard text.

53. Meteorology and You it's called.

54. Folks that know say it's the most scholarly treatment in the subject

55. in the history of the field. "Old Cumulus Frisby" they called me.

56. "Cumulus Frisby."

57. This guy's a meteorologist, I'm Vice President Johnson.

58. What did you say, Lyndon?

59. All finished, Frisby. Want to add it up?

60. No, you go ahead and do it for me, Pete.

61. Pencil and paper right there on the counter.

62. Do it in my hand, only I had a kind of a busy day, and I'm all pooped.

63. Say, did I ever tell you fellas about the time

64. I gave a demonstration with the computer machines?

65. Eighteen of them lined up in an auditorium.

66. A hundred and thirty-three columns of figures, eight digits apiece.

67. Now, no pencils or no paper, mind you. All in the head.

68. Why, folks just came from miles around.

69. What happened?

70. I didn't think anybody'd ever ask.

71. Well, four of 'em broke down from overwork.

72. Two of 'em came up with the incorrect answer,

73. and I beat 'em all by 21 seconds.

74. "Old Archimedes Frisby" they called me.

75. Well, now that does it! I mean, I just can't take anymore, Frisby.

76. I mean, I wouldn't mind if you was a bright liar.

77. I mean, you know, if there was some logic to it.

78. But the way you tell it, you'd have to be 100 different people

79. living in 200 places during 12 periods of American history.

80. Hallelujah and amen.

81. Well, now, who can that be?

82. Customers most likely.

83. You just said a nasty word.

84. You know, the only industrious thing about Frisby's whole body is his mouth.

85. Easy, easy, I'm coming.

86. The reluctant gentleman with the sizable mouth is Mr. Frisby.

87. He has all the drive of a broken camshaft

88. and the aggressive vinegar of a corpse.

89. As you've no doubt gathered, his big stock-in-trade is the tall tale.

90. Now, what he doesn't know is that the visitors out front

91. are a very special breed, destined to change his life

92. beyond anything even his fertile imagination could manufacture.

93. The place is Pitchville Flats, the time is the present.

94. But Mr. Frisby's on the first leg of a rather fanciful journey

95. into the place we call the Twilight Zone.

96. Do you want gas or something?

97. That's the idea.

98. Why didn't you pour it yourself?

99. Well, as a matter of fact, we're not too accustomed to these rear engine jobs.

100. Oh, you're not, huh? Well.

101. I am.

102. Matter of fact, I'm responsible for her.

103. You developed them, did you?

104. Oh, indeed I did. Got a phone call one time from Henry Ford

105. asking me to fly out to Detroit.

106. And I did. And 48 hours later,

107. I had developed the first rear engine automobile.

108. Mister, you're looking at the granddaddy

109. of the American automobile.

110. Right after I finished that designing job,

111. Henry Ford said to me, "Rear Engine."

112. What he always called me, "Old Rear Engine Frisby."

113. "Rear Engine," he says, "You are an automotive genius."

114. And I couldn't very well argue with him on account that he was telling the truth.

115. Do you want it filled up?

116. If you don't mind.

117. Not at all. Not at all.

118. Right under there.

119. I know, I know. I put it under there.

120. This is the man.

121. Frisby. Is that his name?

122. Frisby, an incredible specimen.

123. Done everything, knows everything,

124. studied in most of the major universities.

125. Holds a doctorate in at least eight fields.

126. Obviously a key man.

127. Water and oil okay?

128. I believe they are, but you might check them.

129. Might just as well while I'm here.

130. Well, that will be $1.80.

131. Ten bucks.

132. Is that what it is? Oh, yes, ten dollars.

133. You folks from around here?

134. No, uh, we're from quite a ways off.

135. Oh. Well, if you're gonna drive a spell,

136. why, you better check in some place fore you get started,

137. 'cause those are mean-looking old clouds.

138. Looks like it'll rain shortly.

139. Can you tell when it's going to rain?

140. Tell? Rain?

141. Mister, I can tell when the humidity drops one half of one percent.

142. Why, I can predict fog, smog, rain, hail, sleet and snow

143. twenty-four hours before it happens.

144. Mr. Frisby, we were wondering…

145. Uh, we'll very likely be seeing you soon, Mr. Frisby.

146. Well, I hope you do. And remember what I told you about the weather.

147. Now, you better check into a motel or something until it blows over.

148. We'll probably do that. Thank you again, Mr. Frisby.

149. Yeah.

150. Well, odd fella.

151. Why, they believe what you was saying?

152. No, just kind of odd.

153. Handed me a ten-dollar bill like they didn't even know what it was.

154. How come you didn't tell 'em you was Alexander

155. Hamilton, and that's your picture on it?

156. That's one of the few things I ain't heard him claim.

157. I'll see you tomorrow, Frisby.

158. Yeah.

159. I'll see you tomorrow, Frisby.

160. Okay, Pete.

161. Well, five o'clock.

162. That seems like a reasonable hour to close up.

163. Mr. Frisby?

164. Frisby here.

165. Mr. Frisby? If you walk out of your store

166. and head east down the highway for 200 yards,

167. you'll have quite an adventure.

168. H… How was that?

169. You're not frightened, are you?

170. Frightened?

171. Me?

172. "Stonewall Frisby"?

173. Why, Dwight David Eisenhower said to me

174. when I was the very first man to climb into a landing craft

175. headed for the French coast.

176. That was June 6,

177. 1944.

178. "Stoney," Ike said, "Stoney,

179. "you lead the invasion."

180. "There'll be mines,"

181. "German E-boats,"

182. "Stuka divebombers, coast artillery,"

183. but you can do it."

184. Exceptional.

185. Well?

186. I… I don't think I better take the walk.

187. It looks like rain.

188. Then you are frightened.

189. We had thought that you'd be the one man willing to take almost any risk.

190. That may be very well, but,

191. who may I ask is saying all this?

192. If you walk down the road as I suggested, you'll find out.

193. Well, rain or no rain, I never was one to duck a little excitement.

194. Who… Who are you?

195. You'll find out.

196. Well, all right, but wait till I get my things put away.

197. That won't be necessary. You won't be coming back.

198. Come right ahead, Mr. Frisby. We're waiting for you.

199. That's right. We're waiting for you inside.

200. Impressed, Mr. Frisby?

201. Impressed?

202. Why, with this rinky-dink?

203. This looks like a flea on a dog compared to the one that I designed

204. for the United States Space Agency.

205. And that was back in 1951.

206. "Old Rocket Thrust Frisby" they called me.

207. Please, Mr. Frisby, be so good as to enter.

208. How do you do, Mr. Frisby?

209. Welcome, Mr. Frisby. How do you do?

210. Yeah.

211. Movie prop, ain't it?

212. Yeah, that's what it is, ain't it?

213. One of them Hollywood things

214. advertisin' a flying saucer picture or somethin'.

215. Yeah, that's it. Ain't it?

216. In a word, Mr. Frisby, no. This is actually a flying saucer,

217. and we… my colleagues and I are from another planet.

218. I… I gotta be going.

219. Correction, Mr. Frisby. You are staying.

220. So why don't you relax and be comfortable?

221. What else did you gentlemen want to know about?

222. Your research in liquid propellants.

223. Oh, yeah. Liquid propellants.

224. Mixed up the first batch of that myself in my cellar.

225. Folks in the hometown wanted me to run for Congress

226. on account of I'd got the country back in the space race.

227. But if there's one thing I ain't, it's egotistical.

228. I figure, it's a man's patriotic duty

229. to invent a liquid propellant if he has a mind to.

230. And I was a mind to.

231. Well, even as a boy at Princeton University,

232. they used to call me "Old Liquid Propellant Frisby."

233. Next question.

234. Mr. Frisby, forgive me, but you mentioned Princeton.

235. It's my understanding that you went to the University of Wichita.

236. Well, that, too. Happens to be a fact

237. that I hold a degree in 38 major universities

238. of advanced schools of higher learning.

239. Got a rogue scholarship, too, but I had to turn that down,

240. because I wouldn't bow to the queen.

241. Well, I think that ought to take care of all of your questions.

242. Now, if you don't mind, I'll be getting home for supper. I…

243. Say, it's getting late, and I gotta get home for supper.

244. I gotta get out of here.

245. I gather that you don't quite understand the situation, Mr. Frisby.

246. How's that?

247. You're not going home for supper. You shall have supper here.

248. Here?

249. Precisely. In exactly, well, 14 minutes by your measure of time,

250. we'll be departing.

251. Departing from where to where?

252. From here to our planet. You see, Mr. Frisby,

253. our assignment here was to secure a representative Earth specie,

254. hopefully the most brilliant we could find.

255. There seems to be no question that your accomplishments

256. are far and away more extensive than those of any other human being on earth.

257. Mine? Frisby's?

258. Now, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

259. I… I'm just an old country boy with a big mouth.

260. Oh, come now, Mr. Frisby. You do yourself a terrible injustice.

261. We know all about you and your accomplishments.

262. Accomplishments?

263. Well, uh, I guess you might just as well know now as later.

264. Only accomplishment I got you fellas evidently overlooked,

265. and, well, that is I'm the gol darnedest liar

266. that ever hit the pike.

267. I spin the biggest yarns west of the Rockies!

268. And I… I don't mean exaggeration. I mean lies.

269. L-I-E-S, lies.

270. Don't you get it?

271. Uh, Mr. Frisby, there are some terms

272. that we cannot relate to our own language.

273. This word "lie" that you mention…

274. You mean that

275. anything that anybody tells you

276. just goes without saying that, well, it's the truth?

277. Hence, everything that I've told you, you believe?

278. Hence, you're gonna to take me up to your planet and put me in a cage?

279. Oh, hardly that, Mr. Frisby. It won't be a cage.

280. We'll naturally have to keep you confined

281. much as we do the other specimens we've collected.

282. Mr. Frisby, we have a marvelously entertaining Venusian.

283. He sings on eight different pitches simultaneously

284. and accompanies himself with his tail.

285. Now, you wait a minute.

286. I am a bona fide American citizen, and I got my rights. And furthermore…

287. Please contain yourself, Mr. Frisby.

288. Now, since we shall be departing very shortly,

289. you have your choice of supper now,

290. or perhaps you'd prefer waiting.

291. What will be your pleasure?

292. Pleasure? My pleasure is to punch you right in the jaw.

293. Feeling better, Mr. Frisby?

294. We'll be departing in five minutes.

295. Man, the last time I saw anything that looked like you,

296. I'd been four days on the corn jug,

297. and even what I thought I saw looked better than you do now.

298. Say, tell me,

299. are the girls where you come from? Do they look like you, too?

300. Oh, you'll become accustomed to our appearance, Mr. Frisby,

301. much as we've been able to accustom ourselves to yours.

302. Well.

303. One thing I'll say about you,

304. you… sure are built hard.

305. Oh, we are indeed by your standards,

306. which is quite fortunate for us.

307. Say, do… do you mind if I relax a little?

308. What's that horrible sound?

309. You know, I was figuring on giving a concert on this someday.

310. Do you have harmonicas on your planet?

311. You better scat. They didn't call you "Old Mile-a-Minute."

312. Stay in your room, Mr. Frisby.

313. Let him out! Lower the stair! No, don't follow him.

314. He has some sort of fantastic instrument that lets out a death sound.

315. We best get out of here before he warns the others.

316. Surprise!

317. What's going on here?

318. What do you mean what's going on here? Why, it's your birthday.

319. This is a surprise party. You didn't know that, either. Here, sit down.

320. The presents. Give him the presents.

321. I've been waiting all day for this.

322. Open it up, Frisby, come on, open it up.

323. Read it out loud.

324. Yeah, yeah, uh, read…

325. Mr. Frisby, for the first time in his life is at a loss for words.

326. I'll read it for him.

327. "World's greatest liar Mr. Somerset Frisby.

328. Presented by his friends and occasion of his 63rd birthday."

329. Go ahead, Frisby. Make a speech.

330. I've been waiting all day for this.

331. Yeah, come on, Frisby!

332. Tell us one of them real whoppers.

333. Where you been the last couple of hours? Did you invent something?

334. Or maybe you took a quick trip up to the moon, huh?

335. Now, you know, you ain't very far wrong.

336. Do you know who them fellas was out there in that car?

337. Well, I'll tell you who they was.

338. They was from outer space.

339. Now, wait a minute. I don't know how they did it,

340. but they just whooshed me right through the air,

341. right into their flyin' saucer,

342. and they was gonna kidnap me!

343. But this is the truth. Honest, honest.

344. You know how I got away? I just took out my harmonica.

345. Blew a couple of chords, and they just fainted dead away.

346. Aw! What did I tell you?

347. Ain't he the perfect limit?

348. But this is the truth. They had a big eye right in the middle,

349. and they whooshed.

350. Mr. Somerset Frisby, who might have profited

351. by reading an Aesop fable about a boy who cried wolf.

352. Tonight's tall tale from the timberlands

353. of the Twilight Zone.

354. Rod Serling, creator of The Twilight Zone,

355. will tell you about next week's story after this message.

356. And now, Mr. Serling.

357. We have a return visit next week from a

358. most eminent performer, Joseph Schildkraut.

359. And his vehicle is called "The Trade-Ins."

360. It's a story of a future society in which new bodies may be traded for old.

361. It's my own personal feeling that of all the various story areas we've tackled

362. in The Twilight Zone, this has the most import,

363. and carries with it the most poignance.

364. I hope you'll be able to be with us next week.

365. Here in one cigarette, a Chesterfield, is all the flavor and taste

366. of 21 of the world's finest tobaccos,

367. aged mild and then blended mild.

368. The end result: tobacco too mild to filter.

369. A pleasure too good to miss.

370. Smoke for pleasure, smoke Chesterfield.

371. This is James Arness.

372. You know, it's only a short hop from the Twilight Zone to Dodge City and Gunsmoke.

373. Saturday nights over most of these stations.