1. We're on dual commentary.
Yeah, like the tennis.Copy !req
2. Yeah, sadly without Boris Becker.Copy !req
3. I'm surprised Sue Barker
doesn't sink her teeth
into his thighs, aren't you?Copy !req
4. OK, team, we need to get it out there
that the police arrest backlogCopy !req
5. is not a DoSAC FUBAR, OK?Copy !req
6. The Home Office cut paperwork,
there are more bobbies on the beat.Copy !req
7. No-one to process them
at the stations.Copy !req
8. I doubt there are any
major criminals on the loose,
this is about paperwork,Copy !req
9. it's not Con Air!
I mean, I wish it was!Copy !req
10. That to Peter.
Oh, good morning, Minister!Copy !req
11. How did it go with the DPM?Copy !req
12. Oh, so that good. I've got to go.Copy !req
13. Anyone read Wolf Hall?Copy !req
14. I'm just shuttling messages
between them.Copy !req
15. I'm like a blue-bottomed fly,
frankly. Ah! From Fergus.Copy !req
16. It's the one set on a plane.Copy !req
17. No, that's Snakes on a Plane.Copy !req
18. This one is Nicolas Cage on a plane.Copy !req
19. Heaven's sake!Copy !req
20. Look, Phil,Copy !req
21. every petty criminal in the country
is in a holding pattern because...Copy !req
22. that barrel of cocks
at the Home Office can't processCopy !req
23. their arrests quick enough,
so why am I the oneCopy !req
24. who has to gimp himself out all day
to Martha Kearney and Eddie Mair?Copy !req
25. Since the inquiry DoSAC looks toxic
and weak. They're trying to pileCopy !req
26. all the Government's ills on us.
Whose fault's that?Copy !req
27. I said I'm sorry about the inquiry,
OK?Copy !req
28. I started writing you a letter
but it seemed pretentious.
If it's consolation,Copy !req
29. I haven't felt that humiliated
since my trunks fell down
at a swimming gala.Copy !req
30. It's of no consolation to think
of you naked in front of 500 boys.Copy !req
31. Yeah, absolutely, Trevor.
OK, yeah, drinks soon.Copy !req
32. Yeah, you too. OK, bye.Copy !req
33. Oh, God!Copy !req
34. I just felt my ovaries cringe!Copy !req
35. I'm trying to flirt our way
out of this police backlog.Copy !req
36. Peter, quick reminder,
Think Socially,Copy !req
37. the social enterprise scheme, we're
launching it tomorrow. Sod that!Copy !req
38. I need to keep a low profile,
give it to Fergus and Adam.Copy !req
39. Sorry, Han,
can I just put you on pause there?Copy !req
40. I'm in the minister's office.
Oh, great! Oh, no, the proper one!Copy !req
41. I'm just pausing you there.
Mary Drake.Copy !req
42. From the Home Office, she's going
to come over, fancies a chat.Copy !req
43. But I told old Iron Blouse
that I'd talk to her presently!Copy !req
44. What part of that sentence
doesn't she understand?
Just thought you'd like to know.Copy !req
45. Don't want to be accused
of being a barricade or anything!Copy !req
46. Blockage.Copy !req
47. Look, things were said
at that inquiry, Terri...Copy !req
48. They certainly were.Copy !req
49. Well, can you just be a fucking
professional and get Fergus in here?Copy !req
50. I am an F-wording professional.Copy !req
51. Wait, wait, Terri,
can you give this to Fergus,Copy !req
52. and tell him he's going to front
Think Socially tomorrow?Copy !req
53. Ah. Yeah, OK, err, um, Peter,
may I just... No, you may not.Copy !req
54. I thought we weren't talking
to the Proclaimers.Copy !req
55. We have to play happy families
for Mary, pretend I don't wantCopy !req
56. to strangle Fergus's bollocks
so they look like glace cherries.Copy !req
57. Sorry. Can I?Copy !req
58. Christ, you just can't flush her.
Can I borrow her?Copy !req
59. Yeah, but there's a fine
if you don't bring her back.Copy !req
60. It should be a fine
if you DO bring her back.Copy !req
61. Ever since this inquiry,
Mannion and Fergus,Copy !req
62. their communication
has totally broken down. Yes.Copy !req
63. Which is why we have
the double stamp system. Yeah...Copy !req
64. No decisions without
a dual approval, what?Copy !req
65. Occasionally, just because of a,
well...Copy !req
66. a time-sensitive decision,
I have got a stamp from Peter,Copy !req
67. but unfortunately been unable
to locate Fergus.Copy !req
68. OK, let's fast-forward to the bit
where I don't want
to eat my own lips off.Copy !req
69. In order to prevent
a Fergal paper jam,Copy !req
70. I have stamped certain decisionsCopy !req
71. based on what I imagined
he might think.Copy !req
72. So, you have approved a policy
that Fergus is going to launch,Copy !req
73. that Fergus knows nothing about?Copy !req
74. Sort of. Sort of,
or sort of exactly?Copy !req
75. Sort of exactly.Copy !req
76. You're telling me that you have been
running parts of this country?Copy !req
77. What the fuck are you trying to do,
prove the Mayans right?Copy !req
78. Ha-ha! "Dear Jim, please could you
fix it for me for two departmentsCopy !req
79. "to fuck up on the same day?"
"Yes, I can!"Copy !req
80. So, this government arrest backlog
is a really lovely gift token...Copy !req
81. Mmm. The question is,
what does Daddy buy with it?Copy !req
82. Err, you, the daddy man, err,
you could...Copy !req
83. how about you point up
the split between the HO and DoSAC?Copy !req
84. Take the sort of,
a "government divided" route. Nice.Copy !req
85. Meanwhile, an unarrested
feral underclass has gone Mad Max,Copy !req
86. and police station waiting rooms
are heaving like the
hedgehog carvery at a Gypsy wedding.Copy !req
87. Oh, I do apologise, excuse me.
I need to take this.Copy !req
88. We need to drop Malcolm. Right.
I can't get on my high horseCopy !req
89. about crime issues the day after
my director of communicationCopy !req
90. may have, ie definitely HAS,
committed perjury.Copy !req
91. And I like getting on my high horse.Copy !req
92. I look good on it. Like a knight.Copy !req
93. So they're actually going
to pursue this?Copy !req
94. Right.
Thanks for the heads-up, mate, yeah.Copy !req
95. Listen, I need a police station
with a lot of exits and entrances,Copy !req
96. in case the press show up.Copy !req
97. Sam. Sam, Sam.
Brentford, right, OK.Copy !req
98. Listen, Sam. Get a hold
of Greg Fraser for me.
I need some hard lawyering.Copy !req
99. OK. Pink. Pink, pink flowers.Copy !req
100. Pink. For my mother.
It's her 80th birthday.Copy !req
101. Lovely big bouquet of pink ones.Copy !req
102. Lovely. How are you doing?Copy !req
103. I'm bitchin', yes,
I'm as busy as a two-twatted hooker.Copy !req
104. Great. I was thinking, Malcolm...Copy !req
105. Maybe you should take a bit of time
off, just maybe tour the Highland
distilleries,Copy !req
106. or whatever it is your people do,
you know? Take up stunt kiting.Copy !req
107. Well, we don't take advice from a
guy who looks like he gels his hair
by sticking it up a cow's vagina.Copy !req
108. All right, fair enough.Copy !req
109. Here's an idea that you could pitch
to Millertron 3,000. Yes.Copy !req
110. Get him to go to a police station,
yeah?Copy !req
111. But pick a big one, right? Right.
Lewisham. It's more impact in a big
one. Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
112. But make sure you get as many press
there as possible. Yeah. OK.Copy !req
113. Dan Miller is visiting
a police station.Copy !req
114. What? Why? Why, why aren't
I visiting a police station?Copy !req
115. Why didn't you think of that?
Yes, why didn't you think of that?
I did, I nearly did, OK?Copy !req
116. I was about to think of that.
Christ, it's like Harry Potter
all over again.Copy !req
117. I thought of that,
I just didn't write it down.Copy !req
118. It was Gandalf at school,
but same principle.Copy !req
119. Fergus has got an idea about
the police backlog, just tell him.
Yeah, I'm going to.Copy !req
120. It is basically an issue of manpower,
so we outsource, we get the private
sector in to clear it up.Copy !req
121. It's problem solved,
it's obvious, really.Copy !req
122. Yeah, yeah. Yes, you, yes, it is
obvious, that's two obvious things
you've missed today. Idiot!Copy !req
123. Yeah, what do you think?
No, I think it's good,Copy !req
124. I mean, private sector dives in
and saves us, it plays well for us.
Thank you.Copy !req
125. Till we get the bill!
Cos we got no money.Copy !req
126. Anyway, I'm just popping out to
Tesco Metro, anyone want a yoghurt?Copy !req
127. No, Glenn, no.Copy !req
128. Ah, Peter. This War of the Roses
with the Home Office?Copy !req
129. It ends now. We want a united realm.Copy !req
130. There's no vision in division.Copy !req
131. Well, yes, there is. Anyway,
tell Perkin Warbeck over there.Copy !req
132. OK, people, could
we briefly form a coherent group?Copy !req
133. Mary Drake is in the building,
she's on her way up.Copy !req
134. OK. Shields up, guys.
Centurions, we're forming a tortoise.Copy !req
135. OK. Terri. Think Socially.Copy !req
136. Did I sign off on this?Copy !req
137. Because I hadn't heard of Think
Socially until I said it just then.Copy !req
138. OK, er... So what is it?
Simple explanation.Copy !req
139. Love to hear it. Yeah. Very...
Oh, God, here's Mary.Copy !req
140. Bunch up, everyone, so she
doesn't see the corpses.Copy !req
141. Look, synchronise lies, all right?Copy !req
142. Mary, hi, hi. Emma.
We met at the away day.Copy !req
143. I so enjoyed our mood play.Copy !req
144. Yes. You actually did, didn't you?Copy !req
145. Ah, you must be the legendary Terri.Copy !req
146. I've heard a great deal about you.Copy !req
147. Oh, please, don't believe
everything that you hear.
I fully intend not to.Copy !req
148. Stewart, shakras balanced?
Er... sorry. Tiny bit of
housekeeping.Copy !req
149. Terri, um, er... Think Socially.
Just checking in on that.Copy !req
150. Yes. Yes, it's a go thing.
Double stamped, yes.Copy !req
151. Mary. Great to see you again.Copy !req
152. I'm here in an angry capacity.Copy !req
153. Ah! The cream in our coffee, Mary.Copy !req
154. The message from the Home Office
is this,Copy !req
155. "Move away from the backlog,
there's nothing to see.Copy !req
156. "Let the police do their jobs,
let us do ours."Copy !req
157. Sorry to be, er... contrary, Mary.Copy !req
158. But, er... Peter and I have just been
discussing this very issue.Copy !req
159. Shut up. Let me tell you something
now.Copy !req
160. DoSAC is one rat's whisker awayCopy !req
161. from being shut down and subsumed
by the Home OfficeCopy !req
162. and put in charge
of cocking up the tea run!Copy !req
163. And I like mine weak and white.Copy !req
164. Like my men.Copy !req
165. Stewart, any thoughts from within
your fucking dream yurt?Copy !req
166. I will go and try
and defrag this situation.Copy !req
167. But I am staying strictly macro.Copy !req
168. Subtitles. You need subtitles!Copy !req
169. Sorry, er, Think Socially.Copy !req
170. Terri, would you mind explaining
rationally why I appear to be givingCopy !req
171. a ringing endorsement to a piece of
shit that I've never even heard of?Copy !req
172. It's not my fault, it's the double
stamping nonsense, that's the reason.
Oh, really? Yeah.Copy !req
173. Because, right now, I want to double
stamp on your fucking throat.Copy !req
174. I'm taking that seriously
as a physical threat.Copy !req
175. You know, one of the many,
many things that baffles me about
you is you remain unmurdered!Copy !req
176. What time are we due at the Mirror?Copy !req
177. Oh, not for another hour.
Oh, OK.Copy !req
178. Got plenty of time to get
into your Boudica mode.Copy !req
179. I am woman, hear me roar!Copy !req
180. Get your jugs out,
get on your chariot.Copy !req
181. Crikey!Copy !req
182. I think, given that I'm hoping to get
back into cabinet at some point,Copy !req
183. I might... keep my jugs
in the cupboard.Copy !req
184. Or... I suppose I could always
pop one of them outCopy !req
185. if the interview's flagging.Copy !req
186. It's an option!Copy !req
187. Um... I did apologise, didn't I,
for telling you to fuck off?Copy !req
188. Yes.Copy !req
189. Good. Because I, you know,
I didn't mean it.Copy !req
190. I wouldn't be here
if I thought you meant it.Copy !req
191. I've got plenty of places
to fuck off to.Copy !req
192. It's a big funeral home, isn't it?Copy !req
193. M Tucker. Olly. Malcolm.Copy !req
194. Um, we need to have a little chat.Copy !req
195. You're not splitting up with me,
are you?Copy !req
196. Because I'm pregnant and it's quads,
so, you know. You're not laughing.Copy !req
197. Well, I'm laughing on the inside.Copy !req
198. Which is a tad ironic,Copy !req
199. because I'm leaving here in five
minutes to get arrested. Hang on.Copy !req
200. Sorry, er... you're going to be
arrested at the exact same timeCopy !req
201. that Dan Miller's doing
his Lewisham walkabout?Copy !req
202. Yeah. But I'm going to Brentford
where nobody will be watching meCopy !req
203. because they'll all be with him.Copy !req
204. So the Leader of the Opposition is
going to be filmed at a police
stationCopy !req
205. at the exact moment as his Head Of
Communications is being arrested.Copy !req
206. Yes! OK, great, great, so that's a
sack full of face-chewing rats,Copy !req
207. thank you very much. Look, it's...
this is what you have to deal with,
right?Copy !req
208. It's just another day
at the fuck office.Copy !req
209. So now, I have to step into your
shoes, but after you've shat
in them?Copy !req
210. Olly, look at me. I'm not pulling
anything out of a magic hat.Copy !req
211. The rabbits have fallen to pieces,Copy !req
212. their fucking heads are coming off
and frightening the kids.Copy !req
213. So somebody else is going
to have to help out.Copy !req
214. Well, who says I even want to be
you, Malcolm?Copy !req
215. Who says that?
Nobody says that.Copy !req
216. Except every screaming atom of that
etiolated stick of fuck you call a
body says that.Copy !req
217. Every fibre of your being,
every stamen... says that.Copy !req
218. But you are not me, Olly.Copy !req
219. No.Copy !req
220. And you never will be me.Copy !req
221. I knew Malcolm F Tucker, sir.Copy !req
222. And you are not
Malcolm Fucking Tucker.Copy !req
223. You're not even fucking Manchester's
top Malcolm Tucker tribute band.Copy !req
224. And trying to be me, you?Copy !req
225. Trying to be me will fucking
kill you. I give you 18 monthsCopy !req
226. before you're a washed-out,
weeping alcoholicCopy !req
227. with no fucking bladder control.Copy !req
228. Sleeping on your brother-in-law's
sofa.Copy !req
229. And so on and so on, it doesn't have
to be like that now, Malcolm,Copy !req
230. politics has actually changed.Copy !req
231. Oh? Right. Yeah, yeah.
And you probably haven't noticed
because you've been on transmitCopy !req
232. for the last fucking eight years
Waa-waa-waa-waa-waa!Copy !req
233. And whilst you've been doing that,
everybody else has been changing,Copy !req
234. and it's all a bit softcore now,
it's all a bit algorithms now.Copy !req
235. You don't have to be Malcolm Tucker
to sit in that chair.Copy !req
236. Oh, how quickly they grow up.
You fucking think you know me?Copy !req
237. Well, yeah. Yeah, I know you.Copy !req
238. You know Jackie fucking Chan
about me.Copy !req
239. You know fuck all about me!Copy !req
240. I am totally beyond the realms
of your fucking tousle-haired,Copy !req
241. fucking dim-witted
compre-fucking-hension.Copy !req
242. I don't just take this
fucking job home, you know.Copy !req
243. I take this job home,
it fucking ties me to the bed,Copy !req
244. and it fucking fucks me
from arsehole to breakfast.Copy !req
245. Then, it wakes me up in the morning
with a cup full of pissCopy !req
246. slammed in my face,
slaps me about the chops,Copy !req
247. to make sure I'm awake enough so it
can kick me in the fucking bollocks.Copy !req
248. This job has taken me
in every hole in my fucking body.Copy !req
249. Malcolm is gone,
you can't know Malcolm,Copy !req
250. because Malcolm is not here!Copy !req
251. Malcolm fucking left the building
fucking years ago!Copy !req
252. This is a fucking husk.Copy !req
253. I am a fucking host
for this fucking job.Copy !req
254. Do you want this job?Copy !req
255. Yeah.
Yes, you do fucking want this job.Copy !req
256. Then, you're going to have
to fucking swallow
this whole fucking lifeCopy !req
257. and let it grow inside you
like a parasite.Copy !req
258. Getting bigger and bigger and bigger
until it fucking eats your insides
aliveCopy !req
259. and it stares out of your eyes
and tells you what to do.Copy !req
260. Malcolm, this sounds like the
fucking video you leave on YouTubeCopy !req
261. after you've blown your brains out.Copy !req
262. I'm as dead as fucking 2 Tone.Copy !req
263. But I can fashion my own exit.Copy !req
264. Oh, Christ! What, are you going to
fly to SwitzerlandCopy !req
265. and have a wank off a nurse and
a bye-bye pill, are you?Copy !req
266. Funny, funny man.Copy !req
267. Political exit.Copy !req
268. No, I know.Copy !req
269. I'm going to leave the stage with
my head held fucking high, right?Copy !req
270. What you're going to see is a
masterclass in fucking dignity, son.Copy !req
271. The audience will be on their feet.
"There he goes," they'll say.Copy !req
272. "No friends, no real friends.
No children, no glory, no memoirs."Copy !req
273. Well, fuck them.Copy !req
274. Hello. Hello.Copy !req
275. Hi. Nicola Murray, Leader of...
Oh! I've got to stop saying that.Copy !req
276. Hello. Helen, hi. Declan.Copy !req
277. Declan, hi.Copy !req
278. Nice to see you again.
Yes, again, er...Copy !req
279. Do you not remember me?Copy !req
280. I, I'm so sorry,
you look very familiar,Copy !req
281. but it's just I meet so,
well, I met so many people.Copy !req
282. You're for the chop!Copy !req
283. Oh, right. You're... OK!Copy !req
284. Uh-huh! Mr Chop. Yeah.Copy !req
285. I'll look forward to giving you
a bit of a grilling!Copy !req
286. Well, this might be your chance,
I'm the one doing the interview.
Are you? Great.Copy !req
287. Here we... Here's an old friend.
Hello. Oh, yeah. Wow! Yeah.Copy !req
288. Still, still doing that joke!Copy !req
289. Big, though, isn't it?Copy !req
290. Um, if you'd just excuse us
for one minute, Mr Ch... Um...Copy !req
291. Declan. Declan, Declan, yes, yes,
yes, of course. Yeah, sorry.Copy !req
292. I just need a quick strategy
chat. Sure.Copy !req
293. I am... ever so close to being
on the vergeCopy !req
294. of balling my fucking
eyes out disappointed about this.Copy !req
295. I mean, this was it, was it?
What was the alternative?Copy !req
296. Going on Strictly Come DancingCopy !req
297. and doing a fucking hookie waltz
with Abu Hamza?Copy !req
298. This is pretty low. This is lower
than my mother's pelvic floor, Helen.Copy !req
299. I had to virtually
go on the game to get you this.Copy !req
300. So frankly, I don't care if he wants
to roll around in apple sauce
with you,Copy !req
301. get in there and do as you're told.Copy !req
302. Right. I will go,
because I'm choosing to go in,Copy !req
303. but I just need you to know,
for the record...Copy !req
304. Just get in there
before I push you in.Copy !req
305. If they video this as well, I'm going
to swallow my own fucking thumbs.Copy !req
306. OK.Copy !req
307. So, sorry about that, yes, just...
Not at all.Copy !req
308. Now, we're going to be videoing
this too, if that's OK,Copy !req
309. so I thought interview first, then,
I'll get myself into my chop costume
and we do a little double act.Copy !req
310. What news from the front,
my hardy legionnaires?Copy !req
311. Er... Forest Hill running smooth,
Croydon lag time, get it?Copy !req
312. Down 15 minutes, slamming the hoods.Copy !req
313. Boom! Fuck the Home Office.Copy !req
314. Yeah. Double stamped.
Fuck the police!Copy !req
315. No, that doesn't work.
Christ, I haven't felt this alive
for months.Copy !req
316. I feel like I've had a health scare.Copy !req
317. OK. Dan Miller's station visit's on.Copy !req
318. He's going to be meeting
and greeting. Urgh!Copy !req
319. Er, Emma, which police station
is it? Lewisham.Copy !req
320. Actually, Phil, how long is
the waiting time there?Copy !req
321. Well, that's a big nick.
Tough nut to crack.Copy !req
322. Phil, can you stop pretending
you're in The Sweeney and just
give me a fucking fact?Copy !req
323. How long? It's coming down.
Hour, hour and a half, tops.
OK.Copy !req
324. So listen, I was thinking
of learning a new language.Copy !req
325. Oh, sorry, got to take that.Copy !req
326. Oh! It's my sister.Copy !req
327. Peter, we need to get as many staff
as possible down to Lewisham, OK?Copy !req
328. When Miller gets there, we need them
to be processing like, like human
Pentiums.Copy !req
329. Yeah, I, I agree, I don't care
who's queuing for arrestCopy !req
330. or if they go on to kill again,
Lewisham's the priority.Copy !req
331. Brilliant! We make it seem like Dan
Miller's the problem, he's wasting
police time.Copy !req
332. He's the backlog. Err, Peter.
Um? Yeah.Copy !req
333. When you have a moment, can I get
a quote on Malcolm's arrest?Copy !req
334. Malcolm? Tucker.Copy !req
335. Malcolm Tucker's being arrested?Copy !req
336. Well, I was thinking of coming
down there in October anyway.Copy !req
337. What the fuck? This is... I've been
getting calls for 15 minutes.Copy !req
338. Not the same sources that told you
David Beckham was running for mayor?Copy !req
339. Malcolm's solicitor phoned the
police, who phones journalists,
and they tell me.Copy !req
340. And after all that people
phoning you... Yes? Yes?Copy !req
341. Then you just, then, you just have
a little tuna salad, do you,
watch Loose Women?Copy !req
342. You lay an egg over there and...Copy !req
343. Terri, Terri, can you spot
who the blockage is in this office?Copy !req
344. I have been getting on with doing
exactly what you told me to,Copy !req
345. which was... What?
.. dealing with this arrest backlog.
Can't you react to events? Fuck!Copy !req
346. Yes, just doing one thing at a time,
are you, because you're a uni-tasker?Copy !req
347. All the press will focus on, right,
is Malcolm's arrest,Copy !req
348. and not on anyone else who's being
arrested, we have been trumped
again! No, this is good.Copy !req
349. We swoop in, sort the system,
and we get Tucker in clink,
it's a double stamp.Copy !req
350. Which police station's he going to?
Brentford, apparently. Brentford.Copy !req
351. Shit, it's off-grid! It'd be here,
the vector would be here.Copy !req
352. Right. OK, listen up, everybody.Copy !req
353. Forget Lewisham.Copy !req
354. I want every warm body
we've got down to Brentford.Copy !req
355. Let's put the fucker in a cell
with a genuine psychopath.Copy !req
356. Can I just make sure that this
is a double stamp?Copy !req
357. This is a double stamp.Copy !req
358. Yeah, well, don't worry,
I can come downCopy !req
359. and I'll have that wall
whitewashed in about half an hour.Copy !req
360. So you're telling me
I literally cannot get arrested?Copy !req
361. Look, I haven't got the staff to
deal with the workload right now.Copy !req
362. My client is doing everything
he can to help you
with your inquiries.Copy !req
363. They are processing arrests
at Lewisham, head down there.Copy !req
364. We can't go to Lewisham.
Why not?Copy !req
365. Dan Miller's there,
fondling truncheons. Oh!Copy !req
366. This, as you can see, is our
control... Hello, Dan Miller, hello.Copy !req
367. Hello, Dan Miller.Copy !req
368. Room - nerve centre,
shall we say? - Where we've beenCopy !req
369. managing the situation.
Hi, Dan Miller.Copy !req
370. So you must be incredibly concerned
with the log jam we've been seeing.Copy !req
371. Oh, absolutely, yesterday was
a very challenging day.Copy !req
372. I can imagine.Copy !req
373. Yeah, but since we've had the
additional help from the private
contractors,Copy !req
374. we're really getting on top of it.Copy !req
375. Great. Well, well, yeah.
Can I just...?Copy !req
376. Oh, of course.Copy !req
377. Olly. What the fuck are we doing
here? Everything's fine.Copy !req
378. I'm like lube at a funeral.Copy !req
379. Yeah. I can't believe it but DoSAC
have actually turned this around,
they've Apollo 13'd it.Copy !req
380. Fucking press!Copy !req
381. Excuse me,
is there another way out of here?Copy !req
382. You could hang yourself.
Fuck off!Copy !req
383. It's down there,
turn right, on the left.Copy !req
384. Have you heard that Malcolm
Tucker's going to get arrested?Copy !req
385. Two minutes, I will have
something for you on that.Copy !req
386. Tell me that was a rhetorical
question. Malcolm was supposed
to get arrested quietly,Copy !req
387. on the other side of town, but,
obviously, it's actually got out.Copy !req
388. How?Copy !req
389. Do I have to say this? Do I have to
say it out loud? Because the
police...Copy !req
390. Oh, why don't you say it out loud?Copy !req
391. Yes, yes, maybe they can do me a
favour and throw you down the
fucking stairs.Copy !req
392. This is basically the same
fucking exit.Copy !req
393. This is rubbish!Copy !req
394. This is, this is literally rubbish.Copy !req
395. Malcolm! Malcolm! There he is!
There he is! Mr Tucker!Copy !req
396. Hey! Get the fuck back here!Copy !req
397. Jesus Christ.Copy !req
398. OK, go. Go, go, go!Copy !req
399. You drive off like that
again and I'll stick your meter
so far down your throat,Copy !req
400. you'll be able to tell the price
of your next shit.Copy !req
401. Why the fuck have you brought me
to a police stationCopy !req
402. when one of our most senior figures
is about to be arrested?Copy !req
403. Um... don't clasp your hands behind
your back, it makes you look like
you've been cuffed.Copy !req
404. Oh, it's him. Marvellous!Copy !req
405. Put him on speakerphone, he might
want to do an interview down the
line.Copy !req
406. Oliver Reeder. 'Olly, some press
turned up at Brentford.'Copy !req
407. I've just been chased into a cab.
It's like Hard Day's fucking Night.Copy !req
408. 'Where can I go?' Er... I'm hearing
Hackney's good, 82% operational.Copy !req
409. Olly, will you please keep
the rest of the press there,Copy !req
410. with Dan in Lewisham?Copy !req
411. Please. I need my dignity.Copy !req
412. Come on, give me my fucking
dignity... Er, thanks for calling.Copy !req
413. OK, we need to get out of here
as quickly as we possibly can.Copy !req
414. Thank you very much. That was
really, er, wonderful. Carry on.Copy !req
415. Super, super station.
Love what you've done with it.Copy !req
416. Malcolm's gone. What's happening?
Did he escape?Copy !req
417. No, the press were there,
it was taking too long.Copy !req
418. Christ's sake! It's Tora fucking Bora
all over again.Copy !req
419. Where did he go?
We've got to get everyone there now.Copy !req
420. I'll find out, I'll find out.Copy !req
421. Let's get a chopper in the air.
Be like the OJ chase! He is
getting bloody arrested today, OK?Copy !req
422. Absolutely.
It's legacy stuff - the men who
threw Malcolm Tucker in the slammer!Copy !req
423. Can I just say my idea for pop-up
prisons doesn't seem so stupid now.Copy !req
424. Oh, blah, blah! Being this close
won't... Hackney, Hackney!Copy !req
425. Where's Hackney?
There. That's Hackney, right there.
OK, OK, it's my manor.Copy !req
426. Adam, Adam, make it happen.
Boots on the ground, yeah?Copy !req
427. This is fucking awesome, it's like
COBRA! I hope I get defence next.Copy !req
428. Want the headset now, don't you?
Fuck off.Copy !req
429. I'm making myself an Earl Grey,
Glenn. Can I get you something?Copy !req
430. No, I'm tea-d out, thank you, Terri.Copy !req
431. Oh. Do you want a hand?
You could open that cupboard door.Copy !req
432. Are you moving offices or something?Copy !req
433. Yeah, you could say that.
I'm going to a prison cell.Copy !req
434. Oh, Glenn! Yeah.Copy !req
435. No! Yeah.Copy !req
436. I've decided I'm going to resign.Copy !req
437. Then after that I'm going to go to
a police station and hand myself in.Copy !req
438. No, no, no, no... I perjured
myself at the inquiry, Terri.Copy !req
439. They'll find out. They always do.Copy !req
440. I'll have a roof over my head,
three meals a day and regular sex.Copy !req
441. I might even work out. Get some abs.Copy !req
442. What about your sister, Glenn?
You've got to whitewash her walls!Copy !req
443. Come out, everyone!Copy !req
444. Tally-ho!Copy !req
445. Yoo-hoo!Copy !req
446. Come on, bring out your fucking dead.Copy !req
447. Right, everybody, listen.
I've got an announcement to make.Copy !req
448. Erm... What is it?
Have you got an erection? No.Copy !req
449. I would like to tell you
all that I'm resigning.Copy !req
450. Is that it? No, you closeted
Regency homosexual, that is not it.Copy !req
451. Morally, this department
is in the gutter.Copy !req
452. Thanks for the speech, Glenn, but
we have work... You stay and take
the punishment! Hoo-hoo-hoo!Copy !req
453. I will lamp you, with a lamp.
Glenn, you've gone a tiny bit
psychotic, my love.Copy !req
454. You, Fergus,Copy !req
455. when you asked me to join you,
all you had was your principles,Copy !req
456. but over the last two years, you've
bent like a human fucking palm tree,Copy !req
457. swaying to the guff of these
six-toed, born-to-rule pony fuckers.Copy !req
458. If you're going to go, just go.Copy !req
459. Oh! Spare us this
Peter Finch bullshit.Copy !req
460. Adam, you're waiting for your turn!Copy !req
461. Oh, no, I remember!Copy !req
462. It's your turn right now!Copy !req
463. Brilliant. Bring it.Copy !req
464. You are simply the most loathsome
human being I have ever met. Yeah.Copy !req
465. You were so well suited at the Mail,
it's a shame you came over here.Copy !req
466. Hear, hear!Copy !req
467. Do you know what? I hate you both.
Tweedletwat and Tweedleprick.Copy !req
468. You contribute absolutely
nothing to the world,Copy !req
469. so thank fucking God
you have no power.Copy !req
470. Er, we do actually. It's...
No, you don't.Copy !req
471. And, Peter, it's been dreadful.
I hope your cock falls off.Copy !req
472. Phil, do you know what you are?
You're like an eight-year-old trapped
in a 12-year-old's body.Copy !req
473. This is great!
Why is no-one filming this?Copy !req
474. And Emma.
Yeah, yeah, do Emma, do Emma.Copy !req
475. Yeah. Emma, I'm sorry, you're just
a standard-issue insipid posh bitch.Copy !req
476. That's it!Copy !req
477. Terri!Copy !req
478. Oh! Whoa, whoa!Copy !req
479. I don't think I've ever met
anyone quite so proud,Copy !req
480. and yet quite so useless.Copy !req
481. But I do have to thank you, because
I have managed to stay in shapeCopy !req
482. purely through the energy
I spend in pitying you every day.Copy !req
483. Glenn, you're just
embarrassing yourself.Copy !req
484. Fuck you all up the wrong 'un!
Ta-ta! Bye-bye!Copy !req
485. That was better than IMAX Inception.Copy !req
486. Poor, poor Glenn.Copy !req
487. Should we try and get him back?Copy !req
488. Fuck, no!
He's gone completely mental.Copy !req
489. He's gone Glenn-tal.Copy !req
490. There he is, there he is!Copy !req
491. Malcolm! Can you tell us
why you're here today?Copy !req
492. Why are you here today, Malcolm?Copy !req
493. Are you here to be arrested?Copy !req
494. Nothing to say.Copy !req
495. Nothing to say.
There's nothing to say.Copy !req
496. Out of my way,
you fucking human Mooncup.Copy !req
497. Have a bit of class.Copy !req
498. Is this arrest by
appointment, Mr Tucker?Copy !req
499. You do not have to say anything.Copy !req
500. However, it may harm your defence if
you do not mention when questionedCopy !req
501. something which you later rely on in
court. Anything you do say may be...Copy !req
502. Malcolm! Malcolm!Copy !req
503. Quiet! Quiet! Quieten down!Copy !req
504. Quieten down!
Give us something.Copy !req
505. I have a brief statement
I will read on behalf of my client.Copy !req
506. "I am innocent of all charges
and vow to do everything in
my power to clear my name.Copy !req
507. "I will fight this all the way, and
I am confident no jury will be ableCopy !req
508. "to look me in the eye and
say anything other than
I am an innocent man.Copy !req
509. "But to avoid any distraction
to my official duties,Copy !req
510. "and to begin preparations
for my acquittal,Copy !req
511. "I am standing down as senior
communications officer to my party,Copy !req
512. "and, with heavy heart, I am
leaving top-tier politics for good."Copy !req
513. That is all we have to say
at this time. Thank you.Copy !req
514. Have you anything further to add?Copy !req
515. No, I want to say something,
I want to say something.Copy !req
516. Doesn't matter.Copy !req
517. Have you been sacked, Mr Tucker?Copy !req
518. '.. Standing down as senior
communications officer
to my party...'Copy !req
519. Oh, I do feel grubby. I feel
fucking great! It's a huge scalp.Copy !req
520. Size of a pizza!Copy !req
521. How about a toast to the old
bastard's hopeful incarcerationCopy !req
522. with a fine 12-year-old
Glen-fuck it?Copy !req
523. I haven't worked all that long,Copy !req
524. or all that closely
with Malcolm Tucker,Copy !req
525. but I wish him luck
in clearing his name,Copy !req
526. although, obviously,
if he is found guilty,Copy !req
527. then the full weight
of the law should be...Copy !req
528. Oh, sorry. Full force
of the law should be...Copy !req
529. I haven't worked all that long...Copy !req
530. With him gone, um,
I feel fresh hope we can mendCopy !req
531. and rebuild a credible politics
of integrity and honour.Copy !req
532. So, er, thank you
very much for coming,Copy !req
533. I look forward to seeing much more of
you in the coming weeks and months.Copy !req
534. Not you, Rod, obviously.
You're a twat.Copy !req
535. But... In spite of the awards, er,
er, for being a twat, I believe.Copy !req
536. So, thanks, fellas.
Don't be strangers.Copy !req
537. Oh, Phil, is it too much for you?
It's strong! Oh, poor old Phil!Copy !req
538. Did you get it in your eye?Copy !req
539. I've got an image now of you
puking up on some stripper's shoesCopy !req
540. and then bursting into tears.Copy !req
541. Drinking on the job, Peter. Why not?
You've already got the efficiency
of a man who's half-cut.Copy !req
542. Oh, then I must have dreamt that
my idea had successfully reduced
the arrest backlog.Copy !req
543. DoSAC did do rather well today,
er, actually. Thank you.Copy !req
544. But there's a conspicuous blockage
that will lead to a personnel change.Copy !req
545. Stewart, you're out. You're
going to be pickled in a think tank.Copy !req
546. What?Copy !req
547. Of course I am, Mary. And whose
authority is this coming from, hmm?Copy !req
548. The PM, whilst acknowledging
the need for thoughts,Copy !req
549. is keener on actions these days.Copy !req
550. I'm going to be providing those.Copy !req
551. Stewart, there's no need
for you to clear your desk,Copy !req
552. cos you're a walking
thought pod, aren't you?Copy !req
553. Absolutely. Thank you very much.Copy !req
554. Thanks.Copy !req
555. Um, you know...Copy !req
556. I've spent ten years
detoxifying this party, hmm?Copy !req
557. It's been a bit like renovating
an old, old house, yeah?Copy !req
558. You can take out a sexist beam here,
a callous window there,Copy !req
559. replace the odd
homophobic roof tile.Copy !req
560. But after a while you realise
that this renovation is doomed.Copy !req
561. Because the foundations
are built on whatCopy !req
562. I can only describe as
a solid bed of cunts.Copy !req
563. Wow!Copy !req
564. Bye, Stewart.Copy !req
565. Bye-bye, Stewart.Copy !req
566. Thanks for everything!Copy !req
567. Sod it.Copy !req
568. Now, if we can just get
a couple of pictures,Copy !req
569. someone will give you
a knife and fork,Copy !req
570. and if you can pretend to eat me.Copy !req
571. What a great day!Copy !req
572. Peter? Sorry,
the Sun have just been on.Copy !req
573. I'm afraid a prisoner who was
accused of assaulting his wife
was accidentally released,Copy !req
574. he's gone back and attacked
the wife and children.
Oh, shit in the couscous!Copy !req
575. Right, OK,
we need a joint statement.Copy !req
576. Both departments were too busy
with the backlogs. Fuck it all!Copy !req
577. Yeah, basically stuff fell through
the cracks. Exactly. No-one's fault.Copy !req
578. Can this be double-stamped?
Fuck the stamps!Copy !req
579. And whose fault is it
the man was released?Copy !req
580. Terri, meeting in my office.
Well, uh, in Peter's office.
Well, I'm meeting in my office.Copy !req
581. I'm meeting in my office.Copy !req
582. What a shit day!Copy !req