1. This programme contains very
strong languageCopy !req
2. As we enter the third week,Copy !req
3. I find Mr Tickle's
attention-seeking,
tent-based twatteryCopy !req
4. even more annoying than
in weeks one and two.Copy !req
5. We haven't made him,
we just sold his house.Copy !req
6. What do you put into
the Networked Nation? Well...Copy !req
7. I am... a minister.Copy !req
8. Look at this, no missed calls.Copy !req
9. I used to have missed calls piling
up like fucking pizza leaflets.Copy !req
10. I suppose it means everything's
fine. How was your evening?Copy !req
11. Really nice.Copy !req
12. We managed to get
a table at Mishkin's. Oh.Copy !req
13. And you? Ah, a bit of a quiet one.Copy !req
14. Just a bottle of pinot and
Twitter-abusing the cast of Glee.Copy !req
15. Was kind of wonderful
in its own way.Copy !req
16. Malcolm, can I have
a couple of words?Copy !req
17. Political lightweight?
Making up the numbers?Copy !req
18. Sorry, that's four, isn't it? Lovely,
lovely, yeah, you still got it(!)Copy !req
19. But, erm, seriously,
can I just, er...Copy !req
20. 'Don't take too wide a step.'
'Start with the right.'Copy !req
21. 'Yes. OK, so relax.'Copy !req
22. Cenotaph, here.Copy !req
23. Right. OK? Off you go.Copy !req
24. Yeah, I think that's TOO slow.Copy !req
25. A minute ago you said
I was too fast.Copy !req
26. You look like Sleeping Beauty,
that's just weird.Copy !req
27. You look like you've been dug up. OK.Copy !req
28. Do you remember when
you got married?Copy !req
29. I'd rather fucking not.
OK, Nicola...Copy !req
30. Olly, shit! I had it then.Copy !req
31. Right, sorry to interrupt
you at this very SAD time,Copy !req
32. er, but we do have Prime Minister's
Questions in one hour.Copy !req
33. No, it's fine, I've got the lead
question,Copy !req
34. I've got the follow up
sarcastic questionCopy !req
35. and I've got the withering put down,
so I'm prepped, I'm fucking prepped.Copy !req
36. Yep, you'll walk rings round him(!)Copy !req
37. Erm, this does seem to be taking
an awfully long time.Copy !req
38. Is that too bouncy?
What do you mean "bouncy"?Copy !req
39. Cos that's helping with my balance
but if it looks... Bouncy?Copy !req
40. It is too bouncy. Well, that's...
You've over exaggerated now.Copy !req
41. It's like you've got rickets.Copy !req
42. Its Remembrance Sunday.
THAT'S what your face should
be doing - remembering.Copy !req
43. Think of a sad thing and rememb...
Not remembering!Copy !req
44. You don't want to be going along
going, "Oh, that reminds..."Copy !req
45. Is that what you do when
you're remembering?Copy !req
46. I think I've got it, I've got it.
Right, let's see. Look, watch.Copy !req
47. I'm starting with my left foot
but never mind that.Copy !req
48. Now my shoe's coming off.Copy !req
49. The leader of the opposition
is in that room, Malcolm,Copy !req
50. practising walking.Copy !req
51. I mean, baby horses can
walk from the womb.Copy !req
52. She's one-nil down to a pony!Copy !req
53. A pony isn't a baby horse, it's a
foal, a fucking foal is a baby horse.Copy !req
54. Right, our guest tonight on I Don't
Give A Fuck About Baby Horses is me.Copy !req
55. We need to do something
about Nicola.Copy !req
56. I mean, you know about her plan?
I mean, Nicola with a plan?Copy !req
57. That's like a... toddler
with a harpoon.Copy !req
58. There's a toddler wandering around
in that office with a harpoon.Copy !req
59. Yes, well, don't you worry about
Nicola's plan -Copy !req
60. I'll deal with that Sweaty Betty.Copy !req
61. Listen, when you wake up
in the morning, you've got
a routine, haven't you?Copy !req
62. Big shit, granola, check the e-mail,
shower and a shave, Nespresso...Copy !req
63. sometimes a second shit.Copy !req
64. Exactly, you have a plan,
that's good.Copy !req
65. Nicola has a plan, that's not good -Copy !req
66. but I have a plan that's
fucking great.Copy !req
67. And then I bow?Copy !req
68. It's more of a nod, anyway.Copy !req
69. Yeah, it's, sort of, "All right,
dead-oes?", but a bit more solemn.Copy !req
70. Remember to put the wreath
down this time.Copy !req
71. I didn't actually not put it...Copy !req
72. It got caught in my glove,
I told you.Copy !req
73. Oh, that's very moving,
"They shall not grow old,Copy !req
74. "who photocopy their arses
at the Christmas do."Copy !req
75. Look, I don't want
to show myself upCopy !req
76. in front of 5,000 uniformed
pensioners again.Copy !req
77. I'm glad you're thinking
about those pensionersCopy !req
78. cos those are the poor fuckers
who gave everythingCopy !req
79. so people like you could play
at running the country. Oh nice.Copy !req
80. Olly, walk with me.Copy !req
81. Er, forwards or backwards?Copy !req
82. Malcolm!Copy !req
83. You'd get a much better response
from her if you didn't bully her.Copy !req
84. Sweetheart, she should
be doing the bullying.Copy !req
85. She should be taking the PM's
lunch money and using his arse
as a fruit machine,Copy !req
86. not practising throwing a straw
frisbee in slow motion!Copy !req
87. I don't think you got enough
cuddles as a child.Copy !req
88. So how do we engage with
this demographic?Copy !req
89. The first thing is, is first of all,
knowing who we're talking about,Copy !req
90. then finding a name for them.Copy !req
91. People who would do something
for nothing.Copy !req
92. They are mugs.
Mugs do something for nothing.Copy !req
93. Erm, how about,
"deserving work force"?Copy !req
94. OLLY SNORTSCopy !req
95. Why are you laughing,
does it sound a bit Pravda-ish?Copy !req
96. What, handbags?Copy !req
97. Pravda! Soviet newspaper.Copy !req
98. This is the sort of person,
they find an umbrella on a bus,Copy !req
99. they go all the way to the depot
just to give it back.Copy !req
100. They're commuters,
they are the street pounders,Copy !req
101. street walkers, er...Copy !req
102. You can't call them
"street walkers"!Copy !req
103. They're the people who deal
with the little stuff, erm...Copy !req
104. Wombles. Honest Wombles.
Everyday Wombles...?Copy !req
105. Sorry, I've just got to take a call.
Erm, straights?Copy !req
106. No. No? No, of course, sorry.Copy !req
107. Commuting Champions?Copy !req
108. Inter-rail... Human inter-railers...Copy !req
109. "Human inter-railers"?
That's inter-railers.Copy !req
110. Er, everyday superstars...Copy !req
111. All-British supremes...Copy !req
112. Fuck, that sounds like
a racist tribute band.Copy !req
113. Ordinary people with,
with something special about them,Copy !req
114. with a special power.
Please, don't say "special".Copy !req
115. Don't say special. No, but, you
know, like, people as superheroes.Copy !req
116. Iron people, spider people...
They're just regular citizensCopy !req
117. but they have this,
that one special qualityCopy !req
118. that makes them like Batman or
Batpeople. Erm, the quiet...Copy !req
119. Batpeople.Copy !req
120. Quiet Batpeople?Copy !req
121. No, that's not it.Copy !req
122. That's the general area we're
looking at, is what I'm saying.Copy !req
123. It's just a marker.Copy !req
124. Yep, shall we wrap it up
and make a move? Shad Cab?Copy !req
125. Yes. Don't, don't say "Shad Cab".Copy !req
126. Don't... Why not?
Cos it's Shadow Cabinet, isn't it?Copy !req
127. It's like saying spag bol.Copy !req
128. Fuck annoy!Copy !req
129. All very worthwhile. What a session.
"Quiet Batpeople"?Copy !req
130. What's she doing, is she fucking
sniffing the pens at night?Copy !req
131. This is every day.Copy !req
132. This is what we do every day,
scat all day.Copy !req
133. Jizz FM! Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah!Copy !req
134. What's going on in that abandoned
barn of a brain of hers?Copy !req
135. This is, this can't go on -
this is fucking suicide.Copy !req
136. Malcolm, I know, I know, I know.Copy !req
137. I mean, Nicola...Copy !req
138. she's a nice lady - especially
when she's drunk. Yes!Copy !req
139. Karaoke, you can't take her karaoke
off her. Fucking wish I could!Copy !req
140. She's going to have
to fall on her sword.Copy !req
141. Which means that we have to stick
one in the ground, trip her onto it,Copy !req
142. get someone to jump up and down
on her back for ten minutes!Copy !req
143. Nothing personal. Nothing personal,
of course not! Of course not.Copy !req
144. So, Ben tells me you have a plan.Copy !req
145. Anything I should be worrying about?Copy !req
146. You're not going to found
a religion, are you?Copy !req
147. Reshuffle? Don't send Ben
to the backbenchCopy !req
148. cos he'll just wank
and eat Pringles.Copy !req
149. Leather seats are an invitation
to him. Morning.Copy !req
150. You'll never get in. Ha-ha!Copy !req
151. Cock!Copy !req
152. New party logo - a kitten.Copy !req
153. A kitten in a sock. Kitten in a sock,
sitting on a motorway, shouting,Copy !req
154. "Help me, I don't know what to do!"
Getting close?Copy !req
155. All right, look, I just think we
need to show,Copy !req
156. we need to be seen to acceptCopy !req
157. that there are tough
decisions to be made.Copy !req
158. So, I thought it would be a good
idea if we publicly agreedCopy !req
159. with two government policies
that we previously opposed.Copy !req
160. That's all.Copy !req
161. Can we talk about this?
Yes absolutely, Malcolm.Copy !req
162. We'll, we'll talk about this
in Cabinet, OK?Copy !req
163. I'll be talking, you'll be nodding.Copy !req
164. I'm struggling here, you want us
to agree with the government?Copy !req
165. Not on everything, obviously.Copy !req
166. No, we're just going to back
two government policies -Copy !req
167. the coastguard pay freezeCopy !req
168. and the end of ring-fenced funding
for primary school breakfast clubs.Copy !req
169. So, what?Copy !req
170. We're now in favour of drowning
sailors and starving children?Copy !req
171. We are, technically, the opposition.
Can I be devil's advocate
here for a moment?Copy !req
172. Nicola's right, of course,
she's right,Copy !req
173. but we should at least think
about what Dan has to say hereCopy !req
174. because we've already seen one set
of quisling wankers cross the floor
and join JB's barmy army.Copy !req
175. If the opposition now join themCopy !req
176. everyone will just be facing
half an empty fucking chamber.Copy !req
177. Yeah, it's important that we rise
above partisan politics, Dan...Copy !req
178. so that, Dan, so that we can
take our poll ratings with us.Copy !req
179. Malcolm? Malcolm...Copy !req
180. Sorry.Copy !req
181. Could you not, talk behind
my back? Thank you. Sorry.Copy !req
182. Now, you know, if you don't think
that message is clear,Copy !req
183. then that's fine
but it is your job to clarify it.Copy !req
184. Fine. Good. OK, great.Copy !req
185. Before we finish,Copy !req
186. I just want to throw one more
pebble into the thought pool.Copy !req
187. Ploop. Sorry, Ben, I missed that.Copy !req
188. Just, sorry, I said "ploop".Copy !req
189. It's just the noise of a pebble
being dropped.Copy !req
190. Er, we're still having
a bit of troubleCopy !req
191. connecting with the,
the ordinary voter.Copy !req
192. The, erm, the silent majority.Copy !req
193. Erm, Malcolm, can you talk us
through our session this morning?Copy !req
194. Well, for the record, I do think
that this is a good idea.Copy !req
195. Do you mind if I...? Helen, can
I borrow your notes a second...Copy !req
196. Oh, I should say, actually,
none of this is set in stone.Copy !req
197. You know, they're, they're
not even set in Plasticine!Copy !req
198. So, the marker for this target
demographic is Quiet Batpeople.Copy !req
199. As I say... "Quiet Batpeople"?Copy !req
200. Quiet Batpeople,
it's everyday superheroes.Copy !req
201. There's a big tick next to that here.
Everyday heroes like...Copy !req
202. like vigilantes?Copy !req
203. It's ordinary people,
not vigilantes.Copy !req
204. Don't worry your pretty
little head about it.Copy !req
205. "Little" being the operative word,
"pretty" not.Copy !req
206. Helen's written here, "Normality
as a kind of superpower."Copy !req
207. OK, I'm sensing, er, opposition.Copy !req
208. Good, cos earlier you were
talking about getting rid of that(?)Copy !req
209. So, I would like everybody
to take the idea awayCopy !req
210. and just let it percolate.Copy !req
211. OK, good, er...Copy !req
212. Oh, poppies!Copy !req
213. Last thing, can we just make
ABSOLUTELY sureCopy !req
214. we have them on at all times.Copy !req
215. Jackets, coats...Copy !req
216. Or batsuits.Copy !req
217. Wear your poppies or
you will be shot at dawn!Copy !req
218. Yes, thank you(!)Copy !req
219. Well, I had more fun
at my last mammogram!Copy !req
220. Oh, no, you were fine.Copy !req
221. Well, maybe... You fox-faced fuck!Copy !req
222. Dan The-demi-man Miller,
interview with The New Statesman -Copy !req
223. he says that he, "pledges himself
to change the fractured and shaky
narrative at the heart of the party."Copy !req
224. Arse! Well, I'm pledging myself
to find Dan Mr Smoothie MillerCopy !req
225. and fracture and shake him into
an actual fucking smoothie.Copy !req
226. Looks like a fun runner's
lost his way.Copy !req
227. Why are there bits of food
wandering about?Copy !req
228. Are you for the chop?
It's a fucking hack pack.Copy !req
229. Any comment on Dan Miller's article?
No comment, be gracious, smile,
look good. No questions.Copy !req
230. Are you for the chop, Mrs Murray?
Oh, it's a chop!Copy !req
231. Oh, it's that dick from The Mirror
who... Are you top of the chops?Copy !req
232. Ha-ha-ha, very funny. Thank you.Copy !req
233. You, fuck off!
Get back to the fucking Flintstones.Copy !req
234. Turn up like that again I'll fucking
stick that down your throatCopy !req
235. and pull it out your arse.Copy !req
236. That's enough. I don't even do things
I enjoy for that long! That's it!Copy !req
237. No questions, Nicola's got
a government to bring down.Copy !req
238. No comment, no comment,
thanks very much.Copy !req
239. Why did we have to stand
there smiling like that?Copy !req
240. You think it'd be better if you
were seen in tears?Copy !req
241. I just think my face next
to a chop does not look goodCopy !req
242. unless I'm applying for
a job in ASDA!Copy !req
243. Why pictures of her coming
from Shadow Cabinet?Copy !req
244. Maybe they don't want pictures
of her, maybe they want you.Copy !req
245. Maybe they want pictures of
an over-botoxed Nancy Dell'Olio?Copy !req
246. Right, the first chance you get just
go and deal with Dan.Copy !req
247. Tear him a new bum or whatever
it is people say.Copy !req
248. Right, right, right, right, right.Copy !req
249. I mean, what would possess you
to walk about the streetsCopy !req
250. with notes just... there
for anybody to see?Copy !req
251. They're my notes but they're
your shit suggestions.Copy !req
252. Well, I'm not the one flapping them
about in such a wayCopy !req
253. that the press can take pictures
of them! How was I to know?Copy !req
254. They were taking a photo of
Nicola... Cos you're an adult...Copy !req
255. "Quite Batpeople" on EVERY
fucking paper!Copy !req
256. Right, this is a wake-up call.Copy !req
257. By the way, the next time you want
to make Nicola look like a clown,Copy !req
258. with her fucking hair on fire,Copy !req
259. why don't you just take your notes
down to Snappy SnapsCopy !req
260. and get them blown up
to gigantic cheque sizeCopy !req
261. so the partially sighted
can be in on the fucking gag?Copy !req
262. I didn't know they'd
be able to see it!Copy !req
263. So we have to seize the agenda,Copy !req
264. we have to deflect attention
away from all this.Copy !req
265. It's now time to embrace
our friend Mr Tickle.Copy !req
266. I can't say his name
without smiling.Copy !req
267. Well, he's not smiling, is he?Copy !req
268. He's living in a tent cos his
key worker housing was sold off.Copy !req
269. Yes and he's a 24 carat
fucking nutcase.Copy !req
270. Which means that Peter MannionCopy !req
271. has been picking on a man with
a history of depression.Copy !req
272. That's a way right into the
principality of pricks, right there.Copy !req
273. Yeah, and that's EXACTLY what
they will expect me to do.Copy !req
274. They'll know about his mental
health records as well.Copy !req
275. They'll just be waiting for me
to attack and I'm not going to
and THAT will surprise them.Copy !req
276. I think that you and I need
to have a little talk.Copy !req
277. A proper talk.Copy !req
278. Like when mummy explains why daddy's
going to be in the papers tomorrow.Copy !req
279. Out. You mean you'd like us to go?Copy !req
280. Yes, into exile, preferably.
Bhutan's nice.Copy !req
281. I need to know that you're really
on top of things, actually, Malcolm.Copy !req
282. I do my fucking job!Copy !req
283. Well, do you do your fucking job
out of a sense of obligationCopy !req
284. or are you doing it because you
actually believe in me?Copy !req
285. Oh, let me boomer-fucking-rang
that one right back at you,
do you believe in you?Copy !req
286. Cos I can't see any fucking
fire in your eyes.Copy !req
287. I can't even see the clicking
of the, of the pilot lightCopy !req
288. to try and get a tiny,
little flame going.Copy !req
289. What I do see is that you
might at any day decide,Copy !req
290. "Oh, I've fucking had enough," and go
off and get a blanket from the car.Copy !req
291. I slightly resent what
you're saying.Copy !req
292. The fact of the matter is, I do not
believe in my heart of hearts...Copy !req
293. that you're hungry for power.Copy !req
294. You've got no idea how hungry
for power I am.Copy !req
295. You have to really fucking want to do
this. This is what I'm telling you!Copy !req
296. I FUCKING want this...
Shit, people can hear me.Copy !req
297. I am hungry for this, yes!Copy !req
298. Well, you've got to be as hungry
as a fucking HutuCopy !req
299. in the fucking jungle
with a big machete.Copy !req
300. You've got to go HACKING through
the fucking oppositionCopy !req
301. with a big fucking belt full of hands
and a necklace made of ears.Copy !req
302. Can you do that?Copy !req
303. Yes. Can you wear a necklace
made of ears?Copy !req
304. I can be a Hutu -Copy !req
305. I can wear fucking fingernail
bracelets, I can...Copy !req
306. do this, Malcolm, yes.Copy !req
307. THAT'S what we need to see.Copy !req
308. Yeah, I promise you, I can deliver.Copy !req
309. I can see that.Copy !req
310. She's got Bette Davis eyes.Copy !req
311. You're going to do this.
Brilliant, thank you, Malcolm.Copy !req
312. Fucking useless.Copy !req
313. She is unstoppable and she loves you.Copy !req
314. Because a wine tasting is not a
night out, it's an admission
of defeat.Copy !req
315. You might as well go to...Copy !req
316. Er, Jo, I'll call you backCopy !req
317. Hiya, I thought you were
bollocking Dan Miller?Copy !req
318. Oh, I am.Copy !req
319. Right, is he...?Copy !req
320. I'm in the middle of slamming
his smug faceCopy !req
321. into a verbal deep fat fryer.Copy !req
322. You know Dan, of course, don't you?
Why don't you sit down and join us?Copy !req
323. Er... Join us!Copy !req
324. I don't know if you've met
Mrs Susan Doherty?Copy !req
325. Mrs Doherty is a quiet fucking
batperson, or a fucking
motorway mingebag,Copy !req
326. or whatever the fuck we're calling
these fickle shits this week.Copy !req
327. I'm going to get a coffee,
do you want anything?Copy !req
328. I'll have a fucking Fanta. OK.Copy !req
329. You know what I think
I did wrong last year?Copy !req
330. I think I set off on the wrong footCopy !req
331. because I actually have a bit
of a problem with left and right.Copy !req
332. It's like directional dyslexia
or dyspedia, dys...Copy !req
333. It's one of the dys...
Oh, I'm doing it now.Copy !req
334. For goodness sake.
Oh, is this more quiet bat guano?Copy !req
335. This Week would like
to photograph politiciansCopy !req
336. wearing underpants
over their clothes.Copy !req
337. And Grazia would like to knowCopy !req
338. what you carry in your
utility belt and why?Copy !req
339. I'll say you're not interested.
I'm fucking not interested.Copy !req
340. I'm only interested in working out
which of my feet is which.Copy !req
341. So we need to be rid of Nicola.Copy !req
342. Rid of her? She's tank.Copy !req
343. She's fucking electoral asbestos.
Wow, so... you, you want to...?Copy !req
344. I want this party back in power
where we can help people.Copy !req
345. I don't know whether you've noticed
but we haven't got any fucking power.Copy !req
346. We can't help anyone.
We're like a family in a Cuban slum.Copy !req
347. We're out in the middle of nowhere.
We're in the fucking... middle
of the ocean,Copy !req
348. with our own Ellen MacArthur
sobbing, crying - enough.Copy !req
349. Over the side she goes.Copy !req
350. She's going to sleep with the fishes.Copy !req
351. Or at least witter on at them until
they fucking lose the will to live.
So, do you...?Copy !req
352. Optimum time for her to step down
is eight months from now.Copy !req
353. Over that period she has
to be very gently dislodged -Copy !req
354. like a tick from a cat's ear.Copy !req
355. You set up that batpeople photo!Copy !req
356. Olly, I'm shocked at you
suggesting that.Copy !req
357. Jiminy Fuckmas, Malcolm!
I don't know about any of this.Copy !req
358. It's time for you to step up, Olly.
What's that film that you love?Copy !req
359. What film? The one about
the fucking hairdresser,Copy !req
360. the space hairdresser and the cowboy.Copy !req
361. The guy, he's got a tinfoil pal
and a pedal bin.Copy !req
362. His father's a robot and he's fucking
fucked his sister.Copy !req
363. LEGO, they're all made
of fucking Lego.Copy !req
364. Star Wars. That's the one, right.Copy !req
365. It's like that, OK? You want
to fucking kill the bad guys.Copy !req
366. And you'll be able to blow up
the big... The Death Star.Copy !req
367. The Death Star thing.Copy !req
368. Then you can go and live
happily ever afterCopy !req
369. on the planet of the teddy bears.
They're Ewoks, Ewoks.Copy !req
370. It's a fantastic analogy, well done.Copy !req
371. Are you, are you ABSOLUTELY
sure about this, Malcolm?Copy !req
372. Well, not really, no...Copy !req
373. but it's worth a punt, isn't it?Copy !req
374. Good. Life is interesting at last -Copy !req
375. I've been so fucking bored
for the last two years.Copy !req
376. Bonnie Langford's paying.Copy !req
377. It's a good speech, I think.
Does it need a bit of a...? Rethink.Copy !req
378. I was going to say trim.Copy !req
379. Are you going to address the
batpeople thing in the speech?Copy !req
380. No, I might walk on stage
to the theme tune!Copy !req
381. Just make sure you're not
wearing anythingCopy !req
382. that can be photographed
like a cape.Copy !req
383. Oh, Malcolm, did you see Dan?Copy !req
384. I saw him and I fucking
eviscerated him.Copy !req
385. What did you say?Copy !req
386. He crumpled like a crisp
packet on a cooker.Copy !req
387. He's now just a small pool of grease
and regret, isn't he?Copy !req
388. Yeah, yeah, you can only see him
under UV lights now.Copy !req
389. How do you know? Were you there?Copy !req
390. Yeah, yeah. Malcolm flayed
his skin off,Copy !req
391. he's going to use it as his onesie.
That's him just coming in.Copy !req
392. Don't say anything.Copy !req
393. Don't humiliate him any further -
that's my fucking job.Copy !req
394. Give us your dinner money!
I haven't got dinner money,
I bring a packed lunch.Copy !req
395. Fuck that. I don't want one of your
home-made fucking feta parcels.Copy !req
396. I presume you need to bollock
me for my disloyaltyCopy !req
397. in doing that New Statesman thing,
so why don't we... I already have.Copy !req
398. This morning - were you not there?
Can't say I recall it.Copy !req
399. Would it be cheeky if I invited
you onto the veranda?Copy !req
400. I've got a little matter I'd like
to discuss with you.Copy !req
401. We're lovers, deal with it.Copy !req
402. I suppose the key question is,Copy !req
403. is Dan Miller going to pull
the same stunt again?Copy !req
404. Well, I mean, I think, after what
he's just been through with Malcolm,Copy !req
405. Dan's crushed! He's just in the
shower crying, with his clothes on!Copy !req
406. Dan? Dan Miller? Yeah, Malcolm
gave him a right old... K'cher!Copy !req
407. He gave him a cash register?Copy !req
408. No, that was me cracking
a whip, plainly!Copy !req
409. Well, shame I missed that,
where was, er, where was this?Copy !req
410. It was in the back stairwell.Copy !req
411. That's right by my office.
I'm surprised I didn't hear that.Copy !req
412. I mean, I can hear fat Pat's farts
bouncing off the wallsCopy !req
413. when she has to take the stairs
if the lift's bust.Copy !req
414. Well, it was, sort of, you know,
he did it in a lower tone.Copy !req
415. Special, kind of, terrifying...
He calls it, erm, whisper boarding.Copy !req
416. It's not a healthy sign when
the deputy attacks the leaderCopy !req
417. but maybe we should embrace
this point of no return.Copy !req
418. Are you saying you agree
with what I wrote?Copy !req
419. I'm saying that I spoke
to Nicola earlier,Copy !req
420. to gauge the fire in her belly,Copy !req
421. and now I'm standing
in a cupboard with you.Copy !req
422. What's the worst thing that he said?Copy !req
423. Oh, well, he said, er,
"Fuck right off, you fucker!"Copy !req
424. Really? Well, I once
used the last tea bagCopy !req
425. and Malcolm pushed me up against a
wall any called me Noncey Sinatra -
that seems tame.Copy !req
426. Well, like I say, it was, it was,
it was mainly in the tone, Ben.Copy !req
427. I didn't hold the door open for him
and he called me a minge mop.Copy !req
428. Yeah, but he likes Dan.Copy !req
429. Ooh!Copy !req
430. Did you need me?Copy !req
431. Nope, nope.Copy !req
432. So, your loyalty to Nicola is...?Copy !req
433. Unwavering.Copy !req
434. Right up to the point that...Copy !req
435. Someone challenges her?Copy !req
436. Not necessary, she's going
to kick her own head in,Copy !req
437. which will be easy for her
because she does yoga.Copy !req
438. We just need someone
to hold her jacketCopy !req
439. while she commits political hara-kiriCopy !req
440. and sweep in unopposed...Copy !req
441. being careful not to tread
in the mess.Copy !req
442. So, you think...Copy !req
443. I should challenge her?
What the fuck is this?Copy !req
444. Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Cunt?Copy !req
445. Do you or do you not want
to be the next leader of this party?Copy !req
446. Yes.Copy !req
447. Well, she needs to fuck off
in eight months,Copy !req
448. so it looks like we're
giving her a chance.Copy !req
449. I will teach you the way of tears
and love, my friend.Copy !req
450. Now let's get out of this
fucking cupboardCopy !req
451. before Ben Swain comes
in for his lunchtime wank.Copy !req
452. And I agree that we no longer
have the luxury,Copy !req
453. the privilege of thinking
in the abstract about politics.Copy !req
454. How's Martina Luther King doing?Copy !req
455. It's like that old show Faking It.Copy !req
456. She's a shit politician
pretending to be a,Copy !req
457. pretending to be, er,
a mediocre one.Copy !req
458. What's that text? It's not a text.Copy !req
459. Show me the text. It's telling me to
tell you to mind your own business.Copy !req
460. Show me the text! No, no, get off.Copy !req
461. Show me. No, get off, it's a girl
sexting me, Malcolm.Copy !req
462. Practising for Strictly.
Get off my fucking...Copy !req
463. Give me my fucking...Copy !req
464. What is this tiny font?Copy !req
465. Is it to match your
subatomic thoughts?Copy !req
466. Give me my phone, Malcolm.Copy !req
467. "As I thought, we're dropping BC,"
what does that mean?Copy !req
468. That's my friend who works
in education.Copy !req
469. The government are dropping
the reformsCopy !req
470. to the primary school
breakfast club policy.Copy !req
471. OK, let's rewind here
a bit, stick man.Copy !req
472. Nicola is about to adopt
a policy that is so toxicCopy !req
473. that this stony-hearted government
of fucking puppy killers
is dropping it?Copy !req
474. Yeah. Shit in my porridge.Copy !req
475. Get a dart gun and go
and fucking kill her.Copy !req
476. No, no, think about it.
This is exactly what we want, right?Copy !req
477. No, think about it, this isn't what
we want. This is too soon.Copy !req
478. The mechanics of the leadership
election are not in place.Copy !req
479. Right, we've got to get
her off that stage.Copy !req
480. Go and piss in a fuse box,
or finger a security guard.Copy !req
481. I'll bundle her out during the melee.
We need to stop Nicola announcing.Copy !req
482. Rumour has it that the government
is going to drop the breakfast
club policy. Oh, shit!Copy !req
483. But just a rumour, yeah?Copy !req
484. Yes, I'm just getting it
You need to signal her to stop.Copy !req
485. You've got a signal? Er...
We never agreed on one.Copy !req
486. You don't have a fucking signal?
You must, from Hampstead Heath?Copy !req
487. Didn't Nicola mention
something about iceberg?Copy !req
488. As in you're going to crash into an
iceberg. OK, how do I do that?Copy !req
489. That's subtle(!) Get in, whatever
it is. I'll do a triangle.Copy !req
490. In times of deep crisis, tribal
politics can act as a break upon it.Copy !req
491. And it's down... to us to rise
above this and think...Copy !req
492. What is that? Breached birth?
It's a fucking iceberg.Copy !req
493. Upside down uterus. Shut up, Olly!Copy !req
494. .. that we're endorsing fully
and unreservedlyCopy !req
495. a pay freeze for the coastguardCopy !req
496. AND an end
to the ring-fencing of fundsCopy !req
497. to provide primary school
breakfast clubs.Copy !req
498. We are in concurrence with
the governmentCopy !req
499. because we are in unity with
the British people.Copy !req
500. Any questions?Copy !req
501. Mrs Murray, did you know that
the government have just announcedCopy !req
502. that they are dropping the reform
on primary school breakfast clubs?Copy !req
503. Er, yes, yes, we, er, yes.Copy !req
504. Breakfast, er, really is a...Copy !req
505. really is a meal for the whole
family, er, and, er...Copy !req
506. I think that we regard that as...Copy !req
507. You've got some nice fake concern
going on there, Malcolm.Copy !req
508. I'm sorry?Copy !req
509. Undermining Nicola.
You're getting off on this.Copy !req
510. You've got some sort of agenda.Copy !req
511. Don't you dare question my loyalty
to my leader or my party ever again.Copy !req
512. And don't flatter yourself
into thinking thatCopy !req
513. you can divine my motives or actions.Copy !req
514. You are a mouse in a maze.Copy !req
515. ..now that's not to say that
if you don't have a family you,Copy !req
516. you can't enjoy breakfast.Copy !req
517. Plainly, you can and you shouldCopy !req
518. because, erm, because it is the most
important meal of the day,Copy !req
519. especially if you've been
fasting during Eid.Copy !req
520. I'm dead, aren't I?
Why didn't you stop me?Copy !req
521. I tried to warn you.Copy !req
522. Oh, with the triangle thing.
W.T. Fuck was that?Copy !req
523. Iceberg. Not to scale, obviously.Copy !req
524. The iceberg you were heading
for was much, MUCH bigger than that.Copy !req
525. Do you know what I thought it was?
Hash brown.Copy !req
526. You see a triangle and the first
thing that comes to your
mind is hash brown? No...!Copy !req
527. Bye-bye. Thank you.Copy !req
528. Not the first thing, the first thing
I thought was pyramid.Copy !req
529. Pyramid, the signal being...?
Being everything's fine.Copy !req
530. You know, everybody likes pyramids.Copy !req
531. Do we know why
the fuckers dropped it?Copy !req
532. Even the Etonian mess over at number
ten has to acknowledgeCopy !req
533. that people hate the policy.Copy !req
534. It's taking food
out of children's mouths.Copy !req
535. It is kind of the opposite
of Comic Relief.Copy !req
536. Well, then you should
have stopped me!Copy !req
537. You could have created a diversion -Copy !req
538. you could have gone in there
and set yourself on fireCopy !req
539. or got your tits out and shouted,
"Oh, there's a big lion!",Copy !req
540. I don't know.Copy !req
541. Just SOMETHING, just anythingCopy !req
542. rather than leave me in there
committing career suicideCopy !req
543. by starving small children.Copy !req
544. And you, Malcolm,
the one time in my lifeCopy !req
545. I would've been actually pleased
to see you. Where the fuck were you?Copy !req
546. Sorry. Can you U-turn maybe?Copy !req
547. No, that was a U-turn - if I do
another U-turn it's an O-turn.Copy !req
548. Am I dead? No. No, no.Copy !req
549. Cos I feel like I'm dead.Copy !req
550. I feel like on Sunday I should just
put the poppy wreath round my neckCopy !req
551. and take 40 paracetamol.
No, don't worry.Copy !req
552. Look, we're all still Team Nicola.
We'll fight for you, won't we?Copy !req
553. Can somebody get
me a coffee, please? God, yeah.Copy !req
554. Hold the wreath in your
right hand...Copy !req
555. It's going to be heavier, isn't it?
It's a practise wreath,
I haven't weighed them.Copy !req
556. Down, two... three, frown,
two... three,Copy !req
557. up and walk backwards.Copy !req
558. Just copy the Queen, if in doubt.Copy !req
559. That's going to have to do.Copy !req
560. Good luck! Just, you know, knock 'em
dead in a silent respectful manner!Copy !req
561. Yeah. Phone off.Copy !req
562. Ho-ho! Helen given you
the wreath lecture?Copy !req
563. Oh, come on, Nicola,
you'll be absolutely fine.Copy !req
564. I couldn't eat breakfast.Copy !req
565. I felt like I'd personally
ripped it out of the handsCopy !req
566. of some malnourished infant.
Stop it. Stop it.Copy !req
567. The first rule of breakfast club
is we do not talk about it.Copy !req
568. That's it for now.Copy !req
569. It's not just that,
my head's full of BAT.Copy !req
570. Because of the hat?Copy !req
571. What? No because of the...
Does this look like a bat? No!Copy !req
572. I was going to say
it doesn't look like a...Copy !req
573. It looks, it's more Mickey Mouse,
isn't it? The hat?Copy !req
574. Or Minnie Mouse,
it's Minnie Mouse. Not bat.Copy !req
575. Fuck off, Olly. OK.Copy !req
576. Just wreath up that bad boy!
OK. Yeah.Copy !req
577. 'Oh, and the DPM is up next.'Copy !req
578. Firm grasp on the wreath, there.Copy !req
579. He's aiming for the steps.Copy !req
580. Top step! And that is...Copy !req
581. magic poppies.Copy !req
582. Oh, here we go.Copy !req
583. She's flustered, isn't she?Copy !req
584. That's the problem. She'll be fine.Copy !req
585. Oh, my God.Copy !req
586. Bollocking poppy wank!Copy !req
587. Why is she hovering in the middle?Copy !req
588. You're right, she can't fucking walk.Copy !req
589. I mean, shall we get a ponyCopy !req
590. to challenge her?Copy !req
591. It's not a fucking pony,
it's a fucking foal.Copy !req
592. Sorry.Copy !req
593. I don't understand how you can get
that wrong. It's this!
Da, da, clonk!Copy !req
594. She is officially a ceno-twat.Copy !req
595. Fabulous work. Let's just,
er... bury her in a grave...Copy !req
596. The Unknown Leader.Copy !req
597. I can't watch. I feel a bit sick.Copy !req
598. I just hope there is no afterlifeCopy !req
599. because if people foughtCopy !req
600. and died for thisCopy !req
601. It is going to seem even more
ridiculously futile.Copy !req
602. Why do you know so much
about horses anyway?Copy !req
603. 'I thought you were raised
by wolves.'Copy !req
604. First thoughts?
We're policy jamming here.Copy !req
605. Yes and ho.Copy !req
606. Let's Macintyre this. Stand up.Copy !req
607. I feel like I've joined
the Scientologists.Copy !req
608. Do you want to have an idea-gasm?
Yes, please.Copy !req
609. She's some kind of economist.Copy !req
610. I think we're looking
at about two billion.Copy !req
611. I quite like Emily Maitlis.Copy !req
612. I'm sure she'd love a grey pounding.Copy !req
613. Is this what we came
into politics for?Copy !req
614. Yep. That and the pussy.Copy !req