1. I'm ready for "tie-land"!
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2. So if we were in Poland,
you'd be carrying a 10-foot pole?
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3. Yup!
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4. I'm so excited to finally
meet my grandmother.
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5. And I'm so honored that you
feel close enough to invite me to your...
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6. Don't let those touch the ground.
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7. - Okay.
- Now,
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8. I want to make a good
impression on my grandmother
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9. so try not to humiliate me
with your boring farm talk.
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10. - Hey!
- Yeah, like that.
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11. I just know my grandmother
and I are going to be B.F.F.W.A.O.P.S.
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12. "Best friends forever with an old person."
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13. Can we G.I.T.C.B.M.A.F.O.?
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14. "Get in the cab before my arms fall off."
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15. I don't see any
mansions around here.
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16. Are you sure you're reading the map right?
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17. I'm pretty sure. Then again, not much
oxygen is getting to my head right now.
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18. Oh! Excuse me, commoner.
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19. I am looking for the Thapthimthong estate.
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20. London?
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21. I'm your khun yai!
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22. Bailey, why is this person
wrinkling my tie?
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23. "Khun yai" means grandmother.
This is your grammy!
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24. Khun yai!
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25. I've been looking forward
to this for many, many years.
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26. You look just like your mother.
So beautiful.
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27. Thank you. And I'm sure you are too,
under that bamboo satellite dish.
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28. Ahem. I'm London's friend Bailey.
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29. - Sawat-dil ka.
- Sawat-dil ka.
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30. I'm so happy to have you here in my home.
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31. Uh...
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32. don't you mean servants' quarters?
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33. No, this is where I live.
This is my rice farm.
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34. Say what?
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35. Terraced fields. A rotary huller...
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36. Reverse gravitational irrigation system?
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37. No way! That's been
on my Christmas list for, like, ever.
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38. London, isn't this wonderful?
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39. You come from farm stock just like me!
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40. Aah!
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41. Oh!
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42. - Oh!
- She always does that when she's happy.
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43. Hi, Bailey, it's me, Cody.
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44. This is my "missing you" diary.
Day one, hour one:
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45. I miss you! A lot.
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46. Bailey, you're dating a loser.
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47. Zack! Now I'm going to have
to rewind and reshoot that.
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48. Oh, then I did you a favor.
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49. Oh, hey, babe at 10 o'clock.
Get lost, gossip girl.
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50. Hello.
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51. Uh, the strawberry-banana swirl
is out of this world.
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52. And so am I.
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53. So you're an alien?
- Yes.
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54. Take me to your leader.
Or I'll take you on a date, your call.
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55. Hey, Sasha. Oh, hi, I'm Hilary.
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56. Some people call me Hil
or Lary, but I prefer Hilary.
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57. Right.
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58. So, Sasha, where are you from?
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59. - Chicago.
- We both are.
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60. Well, technically she's from
Highland Park, I'm from Oak Park.
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61. So, Highland Park, is that
far from Wrigley Field?
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62. Well, that all depends on traffic,
but see, if you jump on the El
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63. and then you take a left,
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64. - then you take a right—
- Would you excuse me
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65. for just one second?
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66. I miss you more than the particle beams
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67. missed each other at
the large hadron collider
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68. since its superconducting magnets were
damaged in September, 2008.
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69. Lame!
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70. I need your help with a girl.
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71. I'm not going to help you
impress another girl
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72. with an important call
from your Navy Seal commander.
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73. No, I like to keep that one in reserve.
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74. No, I need you to occupy
Chatty Cathy over there,
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75. while I work the Zack magic on her friend.
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76. Well, I can't talk to a girl.
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77. I'm with Bailey.
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78. Say "hi" to Bailey.
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79. You don't even need to talk.
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80. Besides, with this girl,
you won't get a word in edgewise.
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81. Hilary, Cody. Cody, Hilary.
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82. - Hi!
- Hi.
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83. Wow, sparks!
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84. All right, Sasha, let's
give these two lovebirds some space.
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85. Cody, what's with the camera?
Are you a director or something?
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86. Well, actually, I'm making a video
about how much I miss Bailey.
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87. - She's my girl—
- Dog!
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88. Girl dog.
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89. She's at obedience school right now—
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90. Learning to do what people ask her to do.
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91. London, wake up.
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92. I just had the worst nightmare.
My grandmother was a farmer
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93. and lived in a hu— Aah!
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94. It's a dream inside a dream!
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95. Oh, London, I'm so glad you feel better.
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96. I brought you a snack.
I made some jing leed.
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97. Mmm, not bad.
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98. - Tastes like French fries.
- Yeah, they're delicious.
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99. That's because they are fresh.
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100. I caught them this morning.
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101. Caught?
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102. What am I eating?
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103. Crickets. Chirp-chirp.
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104. - More?
- No, I'm good.
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105. I had a millipede for breakfast, so I'm—
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106. Oh, thank you.
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107. Aah!
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108. - Snake!
- Silly, that's my elephant.
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109. Aah!
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110. Elephant!
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111. What a well-trained pet!
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112. - What's his name?
- Mae Baan.
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113. Oh, that's pretty. What does it mean?
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114. "Cleaning lady" and a lazy one at that.
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115. Hmm, cleaning lady? Maybe we are related.
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116. Well, I have a lot of fun things
planned for your visit.
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117. Starting with planting rice!
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118. Fun!
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119. The only planting I do
is my butt on the couch.
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120. Look, I do not do farm work.
Or any kind of work.
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121. London, working alongside your grandmother
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122. will give you a chance
to connect with her.
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123. And me a chance to check out
that sweet rotary huller.
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124. - Hey, Sasha.
- Oh, hey, Zack.
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125. Hey, tonight I'm working
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126. but I wanted to know if tomorrow
you'd like to go to dinner?
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127. - They're serving Thai food at the buffet.
- We'd love to!
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128. Will Cody be there too?
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129. He will now.
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130. Bailey, I've missed you so much,
I folded a towel in your image.
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131. - It took me six hours.
Dude!
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132. Oh, man, he's drying
his back hair with Bailey.
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133. Sorry, sweetie.
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134. Dude! I'm the man.
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135. I just scored us a double date
with Sasha and Hilary.
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136. You know, you can only
tape over these things
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137. so many times before
it affects the resolution.
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138. I'm not going on your date.
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139. All right.
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140. I didn't want to have
to play this card, but...
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141. you cannot say no to being a wingman.
It's in the guy rulebook.
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142. - There's no guy rulebook.
But, there is.
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143. It's called the "Guy-ble."
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144. - Nice try.
- Don't make me call the guy-thorities.
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145. - Still don't believe you.
- You should read my favorite chapter:
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146. "Dude-eronomy."
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147. What a day!
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148. Isn't this fun?
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149. No! It's the worst day of my life.
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150. - And my boot is stuck.
- Here, let me take this.
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151. I'm covered in mud!
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152. You go to the spa for mud-baths
all the time, right?
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153. - What's the difference?
- This mud is dirty!
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154. London, no sitting down on the job.
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155. Although it's been 16 hours,
so we should break for lunch.
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156. Bailey, you plant faster
than my water buffalo.
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157. Oh, you're pretty amazing yourself.
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158. I'm wet, I'm tired
and I think something's eating my foot!
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159. You know, you remind me
a lot of your mother.
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160. She had trouble with her A-B-Ds too?
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161. No, she complained all the time too.
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162. - Now, go wash up.
- Oh, where's the bathroom?
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163. But, I don't see a faucet anywhere.
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164. Ew, the elephant sneezed on me!
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165. - I can't take this anymore.
- Are you kidding?
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166. That elephant's amazing.
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167. I wish we had
water pressure like this on the farm.
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168. Right there, right there.
There we go. Good boy.
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169. "Missing you" diary,
day two, hour three, minute...
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170. nineteen.
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171. - And still miss... ing... you!
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172. Wow.
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173. This is even more riveting than
Mom's video of you being potty trained.
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174. What are you doing here?
And it better not be about that date!
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175. No, no, no.
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176. Forget the date.
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177. I realized how important
this lame video thing is to you
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178. and I want to help you with it.
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179. That's great.
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180. Get out of my room.
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181. Okay, okay, okay.
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182. But, you know, I think Bailey
might appreciate it
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183. if you dressed up a bit.
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184. Girls like that kind of stuff.
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185. - What are you doing?
- Let's fix that hair.
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186. - Pop that zit.
- No!
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187. You see, you... look amazing.
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188. Ah, I do look pretty good.
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189. You know what? I'm sorry I doubted you.
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190. You really are a great brother.
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191. I do what I can.
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192. - Who could that be?
- Beats me!
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193. Hey, guys, we're here for our date.
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194. - Wow, Cody, you look amazing!
- That's exactly what I said.
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195. And what a complexion. Except for that
one pesky blackhead. All right, let's go.
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196. Let's go have some fun.
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197. Easy! you're not scrubbing a pot.
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198. Oh, just blow it out.
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199. Thank you, Mae Baan.
And here's your tip, one peanut.
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200. Hey, London, Khun Yai and I are going down
to the river to do some laundry.
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201. Come on or all the good rocks
will be gone.
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202. I'm not going.
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203. And stop trying to steal my grandmother!
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204. London, I'm not trying to steal
your grammy.
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205. You're pushing her away.
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206. Well, all she ever wants to do
is play in the dirt.
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207. Maybe if you quit turning
your nose up at everything,
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208. you'd find something in common with her.
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209. Mae Baan, step on Bailey!
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210. Okay, okay.
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211. Oh, idea! Mae Baan, write this down.
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212. Yeah, you're right, you'll remember it.
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213. Oh, surprise!
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214. What did you do?
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215. Well, let's just call it
an extreme hut makeover.
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216. Now you can live like me, Khun Yai!
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217. London, this is very fancy.
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218. - But, I feel out of place.
- Oh, not for long!
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219. I brought in a team of stylists
to give you a makeover.
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220. - Make... over?
- Yes!
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221. Come on, you guys.
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222. Just want to tweak your look
a teensy little bit.
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223. I don't want to recognize her
when you're done.
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224. I love eating with chopsticks.
I could use them all the time.
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225. Me too!
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226. Well, as much fun as this has been,
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227. I have a ton of calculus homework
to finish.
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228. I love calculus! What are we talking?
Integrals, derivatives?
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229. Projective algebraic manifolds.
You wouldn't understand.
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230. Like the Riemann sphere?
Totally my favorite sphere.
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231. I am captain of the Oak Park Mathletes.
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232. Go badgers!
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233. On second thought,
I can do it before class.
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234. Okay.
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235. Yeah.
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236. You know, I got some math homework too.
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237. Maybe you can come
to my cabin and... tutor me?
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238. Something tells me
you already know too much.
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239. Besides, I have to go to the ladies' room.
Want to come?
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240. Sure, I can study anywhere.
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241. - I meant Hilary.
- Okay.
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242. Be right back, Cody.
Don't miss me too much.
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243. Don't worry!
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244. That's it!
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245. Your wingman is bailing out.
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246. Apologize to Hilary
and never speak to me again.
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247. Uh, uh, uh!
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248. I wouldn't leave if I were you.
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249. Well, that is, of course, if you want me
to tell Bailey about your little date.
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250. You wouldn't!
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251. I think we both know I would.
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252. I think my grandmother's really happy
about her makeover, don't you?
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253. Khun Yai, you look amazing.
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254. I look ridiculous!
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255. Too much bling. If I wear all this
in the rice paddies,
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256. I will sink to my waist in mud.
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257. Well, that's why I got you this brand-new
washer and dryer!
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258. And if you don't feel like wasting
your time in the rice paddies,
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259. you can use this.
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260. Insta-rice: Comes in a box
and cooks in under a minute.
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261. Goes through you in under a minute too.
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262. But— But, you like the TV, right?
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263. It's like magic moving pictures.
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264. I know about the TV.
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265. I got rid of mine because I was
wasting so much time watching Thai Idol.
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266. I still cannot believe
they voted off Bantika.
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267. Khun Yai, how can you
not want any of this?
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268. Can't you see how much
better it'll make your life?
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269. My life is wonderful the way it is.
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270. You eat crickets.
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271. Crickets are very healthy.
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272. Unless you eat the wrong one.
then you die instantly.
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273. - But, Khun Yai—
- Please! Just take it away!
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274. This stuff was expensive.
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275. Expensive doesn't always mean better.
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276. Oh, please. That's just something
poor people tell themselves
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277. so they're not sad all the time.
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278. - No, money doesn't buy happiness.
- Oh, there's another one.
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279. Look, farming is a wonderful life.
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280. - It brings you closer to nature.
- I hate nature!
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281. Why can't it be indoors?
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282. Okay, my point is
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283. until you learn to accept
your grandmother's way of life,
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284. you'll never connect with her.
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285. Mm, it's a little chilly out here,
don't you think?
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286. I'm a little chilly too.
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287. Maybe you should put your arm
around me.
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288. Well, actually, the proper way
to fight hypothermia is to not—
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289. Okay.
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290. Looks like you've got
a little something on your lip.
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291. How embarrassing. I'll go get a napkin.
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292. Allow me.
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293. Okay, stop! I can't do this anymore.
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294. Do what? We haven't done anything yet.
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295. I have a boyfriend.
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296. I'm okay with that.
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297. - I have a girlfriend.
- Cody, you like me too?
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298. Not you— Bailey.
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299. You're dating your dog?
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300. She's not my dog.
She's my human girlfriend.
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301. Then why is she
at obedience school?
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302. Okay, you're not getting this.
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303. Zack, the truth is
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304. I only went out with you so Hilary
could spend time with Cody.
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305. Wait a minute!
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306. You're her wingman.
And I'm the pathetic friend?
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307. Hilary made me do it.
She said it's in some rulebook.
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308. The "Girl-ble!"
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309. Look, I'm sorry, Hilary.
You're a great girl, but I'm in love.
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310. But, not with me, right?
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311. Oy.
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312. So that video you're making
is for your girlfriend?
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313. - Yeah.
- I'm doing the same thing
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314. for my boyfriend.
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315. Isn't being in love great?
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316. - Oh, the best!
- This one valentine's day...
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317. So I guess this was just
a big waste of time.
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318. It doesn't have to be.
I mean, I prefer Cody, but—
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319. I've settled before.
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320. I'm not anybody's second!
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321. Eh, what the heck.
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322. London,
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323. are you working?
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324. Yes, but please don't tell anyone.
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325. Look, this is my way of saying
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326. Samong Dong.
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327. Huh? You have a "pickle brain?"
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328. No. I'm just trying to say
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329. I'm sorry. Look!
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330. I even pulled out these nasty weeds.
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331. That's the rice.
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332. I can't do anything right.
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333. No wonder you wish Bailey
was your granddaughter and not me.
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334. What? Are you crazy?
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335. - I love you.
You do?
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336. Of course. Just the way you are.
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337. I don't want to change you.
And, please, don't try to change me.
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338. My eyebrows still hurt
from all that plucking.
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339. Sorry and...
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340. sorry I messed up your rice.
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341. That's okay. Your mother wasn't meant
for farming either.
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342. That's why she left.
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343. Well, don't take it personally, but...
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344. she doesn't like to hang around
anywhere very long.
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345. But, thanks to her,
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346. now I have you.
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347. And I'll always be here for you, Khun Yai.
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348. I mean, not here here,
because here's, you know, ugh.
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349. But, maybe we can meet
somewhere in the middle?
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350. You know, like a three-star hotel.
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351. - Deal.
- Deal.
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352. So I guess I'll take all
the stuff out of here.
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353. Maybe you can leave the high heels?
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354. They are good for planting seeds,
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355. Plus, they make my legs look hot.
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356. Oh, fine. I'll get you a pair too.
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357. But, nothing is going
to help those cankles.
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358. Cody, I'm home.
- Bailey!
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359. - Oh, I missed you so much.
- I missed you too.
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360. I brought you something.
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361. - Oh, heavy.
- Yeah.
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362. - What could it be?
- I wrapped it.
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363. A rock?
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364. A— A rock!
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365. Wow.
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366. It's from the Chao Phraya river.
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367. Now you can stop complaining
about the ship's laundry
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368. and wash your clothes in the sink!
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369. Oh, a laundry rock.
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370. There's even a smooth side for delicates.
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371. - Thanks, Bailey.
- You're welcome.
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372. Oh, I have something for you too.
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373. I was working on it
the whole time you were gone.
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374. - Oh.
- Okay.
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375. Press play.
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376. Cody?
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377. Why am I watching a video
of you being potty trained?
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378. That's the wrong tape!
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379. Zack!
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380. Okay, give me that back.
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381. - Give me that back.
- But, it's so cute!
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