1. Man, I love London.Copy !req
2. Would you stop?
She's never going to date you.Copy !req
3. I was talking about the city.Copy !req
4. But I'd love to take a tour
of the other London too.Copy !req
5. Sorry to rain on your parade,Copy !req
6. but she's very picky about
the guys that she dates.Copy !req
7. - You gotta be rich.
- I'm rich.Copy !req
8. You gotta be tall.Copy !req
9. I'm rich.Copy !req
10. Well, it looks like that guy's both.Copy !req
11. So, how do you clean your moat?Copy !req
12. We use that white round thingy on the side
that turns the water blue.Copy !req
13. We use that too.
Ever since our alligator ate the moat boy.Copy !req
14. Hi, guys. Have you met the Lord?Copy !req
15. Well, once I ran my bike into a tree,
and I saw this bright white light,Copy !req
16. and I wasn't quite sureCopy !req
17. - if it was the Lord—
- Oh!Copy !req
18. Not that Lord. This Lord.
Lord Hartley Wicket.Copy !req
19. He's 25th in line for the throne.Copy !req
20. Oh, that happens all the time
when they have the buffet.Copy !req
21. You can use the employee throne
back here, if you like.Copy !req
22. There's a sign about washing your hands,
but it's just a suggestion.Copy !req
23. So, what would you like?Copy !req
24. - From you? Nothing.
- Ugh.Copy !req
25. Well, enough chit-chat
with the unwashed masses.Copy !req
26. - I'll pick you up after my football match.
Oh!Copy !req
27. I like football. Shoulder pads and makeup.Copy !req
28. So, uh, what do you play? Uptight end?Copy !req
29. I'm not talking about
that wimpy offspring of rugbyCopy !req
30. you colonists call football.Copy !req
31. I'm talking about
what you Yanks call soccer.Copy !req
32. Whatever. Look, everybody knows
that the best sport is hoops.Copy !req
33. - Mm-hm.
- Really?Copy !req
34. I'm quite a good hoops player myself.Copy !req
35. Maybe we should play a little two on two.Copy !req
36. You guys against me
and my boarding-school chum.Copy !req
37. Snively Snodgrass.Copy !req
38. Well, you're on.Copy !req
39. This is so exciting!
The ugly Americans versus the Englanders.Copy !req
40. - You're American.
- Not for tax purposes.Copy !req
41. I wish Cody would hurry up.Copy !req
42. There's so many incredible things
I want to see in London.Copy !req
43. Cheerio, old chums.Copy !req
44. Why are you dressed like
my grandmother's loveseat?Copy !req
45. I thought we'd stop by
the Sherlock Holmes exhibition.Copy !req
46. I am the president of the
Boston chapter of his fan club,Copy !req
47. the Sherlock Holmies.Copy !req
48. No offense, but you sure-lock stupid.Copy !req
49. How long is this going to take?Copy !req
50. I want to go to Buckingham Palace
and see the changing of the guard.Copy !req
51. Relax, the queue is moving.Copy !req
52. See?Copy !req
53. While you stand in the "Q,"
I gotta go "P."Copy !req
54. Oh, save my spot.Copy !req
55. Or don't. I really don't care.Copy !req
56. Man, these guys sure dress up
to watch a basketball game.Copy !req
57. Oh, dear, by hoops, you obviously
thought I meant that silly gameCopy !req
58. played by freakishly tall men
in baggy bloomers.Copy !req
59. Any gentleman would have known
that I meant a rousing game of croquet.Copy !req
60. Well, they're obviously not gentlemen.Copy !req
61. London, why are you
hanging out with this fool?Copy !req
62. Because there are only 24 people
between him and the throne.Copy !req
63. If there's a really big earthquake
at Buckingham Palace,Copy !req
64. I'm the queen!Copy !req
65. - London?
- Ooh, coming!Copy !req
66. Come on, Marcus,
let's beat these Brit brats.Copy !req
67. - Hey, gimme one of those hammer thingies.
- It's called a mallet.Copy !req
68. - Hey, Mr. Moseby, what are you doing here?
- Oh, I'm a huge mallet head.Copy !req
69. You said it, not me.Copy !req
70. It means I love croquet.Copy !req
71. Good. Can you tell us how to play?Copy !req
72. Oh, it's simple. The object
of the game is to pass the ballCopy !req
73. through a prescribed circuit of 12 hoops
and then strike the center peg.Copy !req
74. Now, if you wish to take
a half-bisque, you must waitCopy !req
75. for a formal acknowledgment
from your opponent.Copy !req
76. You know, a wave, a wink,
perhaps a tip of the cap.Copy !req
77. Stop! Hammer time.Copy !req
78. Do I get extra points for knocking
that hat off that old lady?Copy !req
79. That was the queen.Copy !req
80. Dang, she's got an arm on her.Copy !req
81. Nice throw, Lizzie!Copy !req
82. Look! Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's chair.Copy !req
83. Just picture him sitting there,
creating Holmes' nemesis,Copy !req
84. the evil James Moriarty.Copy !req
85. And his wastepaper basket.Copy !req
86. Just imagine the crumpled pieces of
brilliance that were thrown in there.Copy !req
87. You want me to take
a picture of you next to it?Copy !req
88. The garbage can? No, I'm good.Copy !req
89. Hey, sorry I'm late.Copy !req
90. But I found a place that sells
pies with meat in them!Copy !req
91. I mean, is it a meal? Is it a dessert?Copy !req
92. Do I care? No!Copy !req
93. Oh, my gosh!Copy !req
94. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's first draft
of The Hound of the Baskervilles.Copy !req
95. On loan from the queen's private library.Copy !req
96. You know, that book happens
to be priceless.Copy !req
97. So try not to fog up the glass
with your American hot dog breath!Copy !req
98. I'll have you know
that's British meat-pie breath.Copy !req
99. No, he's right. Still a little hot dog
mixed in there from breakfast.Copy !req
100. Good nose.Copy !req
101. I think I got the hang of this.Copy !req
102. Ow!Copy !req
103. Hey, good hit.Copy !req
104. [ IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
That's a matter of opinion.Copy !req
105. Oh, crumpet girl!
One crumpet, if you please.Copy !req
106. - Oh, thanks!
- Ah—Copy !req
107. That cost me a pound.Copy !req
108. Ah, it'll cost me a pound too,
but it's worth it.Copy !req
109. - Ooh, you should get one!
- I—Copy !req
110. Hey, he hit my ball! He can't do that.Copy !req
111. Yes, he can. It's called a roquet.Copy !req
112. Well, it's not ro-kay with me.Copy !req
113. Hey!Copy !req
114. Ahh! Wicky, wicky, he's my man!Copy !req
115. So seriously, stay away from him.Copy !req
116. - Well played, Lord Wicket.
- Thank you, Snively. High-four?Copy !req
117. They can't even high-five right.Copy !req
118. Yes, we can, but we prefer to use
the fifth digit to do this.Copy !req
119. Well, you got beat
like a dusty rug on a clothesline.Copy !req
120. This is even more humiliating than
the time my pants fell downCopy !req
121. when I was performing
at Madison Square Garden.Copy !req
122. Twenty thousand people saw your underwear?Copy !req
123. If only I had remembered to wear some.Copy !req
124. Oh, dear.Copy !req
125. Well, don't worry, there's time
to catch up in round two tomorrow.Copy !req
126. - Except we stink.
- To high heaven.Copy !req
127. But I can tutor you.Copy !req
128. I was once a croquet prodigy.Copy !req
129. I was at the junior championships
when there was a tragic accident.Copy !req
130. It was a steamy August day
in Darien, Connecticut.Copy !req
131. I put my cheek to the ground
so I could see the cut of the grassCopy !req
132. when my partner Spencer
mistook my shaved headCopy !req
133. for a ball.Copy !req
134. It is oddly small and shiny.Copy !req
135. I was legally dead for seven minutes!Copy !req
136. But at least we won the point.Copy !req
137. I got you a present from the gift shop.Copy !req
138. Aww, thank you. That is so sweet.Copy !req
139. Uh, not you.Copy !req
140. It's a houndstooth bikini.Copy !req
141. Wow, no mystery why you
want me to wear that.Copy !req
142. Everybody stay calm. No cause for alarm.Copy !req
143. We—Copy !req
144. Sorry about that.
Just a temporary power outage.Copy !req
145. That was no power outage.Copy !req
146. Someone stole the book!Copy !req
147. All right, everyone relax.Copy !req
148. Ray Emit-Majors, inspector, Scotland yard.Copy !req
149. And Cody Martin,Copy !req
150. president, Boston Holmies.Copy !req
151. Right, just as soon as you've
been cleared by the bobbies,Copy !req
152. you are free to leave.Copy !req
153. Yeah. Come on. Go ahead.Copy !req
154. Stop it, stop it!Copy !req
155. You're dusting for fingerprints
with haddonite white?Copy !req
156. Anthracene would show up
much better on the glass.Copy !req
157. I think I know what I'm doing.Copy !req
158. I've been with Scotland Yard for 25 years,Copy !req
159. whereas you're just a kid
dressed like a loveseat.Copy !req
160. Cody, get back in line!Copy !req
161. Just a jiff.
The ladies can be so impatient.Copy !req
162. With you? I cannot imagine why.Copy !req
163. - Come on!
- Wait.Copy !req
164. - Give me your tweezers.
- I don't have tweezers.Copy !req
165. I do!Copy !req
166. Hey, if I don't pluck these caterpillars
every couple hours, they just go pfft!Copy !req
167. Just hand them over.Copy !req
168. Aha! A clothing fiber.Copy !req
169. With this I can deduce that
the culprit is wearing...Copy !req
170. tweed!Copy !req
171. They're all wearing tweed.
The entire country wears tweed.Copy !req
172. Even the doggies wear tweed.Copy !req
173. Why don't you do all of England a favor
and go visit France.Copy !req
174. And you! You let those kids back in again,Copy !req
175. you'll be cleaning up
after the queen's puppies.Copy !req
176. You'll be on doody duty.Copy !req
177. Did you guys hear how loud that door was?Copy !req
178. Yes, it's a loud door. Whoo-hoo!Copy !req
179. - Let's go.
- Wait.Copy !req
180. We can't leave.Copy !req
181. I now know that the book
is still inside that exhibition hall.Copy !req
182. How could you be so sure?Copy !req
183. Elementary, my dear Woody.Copy !req
184. When the lights went out,Copy !req
185. - what did you hear?
- Screaming.Copy !req
186. Mostly mine.Copy !req
187. Right. What you did not hear was the sound
of a heavy door opening and closing.Copy !req
188. Therefore the thief must have hidden
the book inside that exhibition hallCopy !req
189. intending to retrieve it later.
We have to get back in there.Copy !req
190. Wait, give me your magnifying glass.Copy !req
191. Why, do you see a clue?Copy !req
192. No, but you need to get one. Read my lips.Copy !req
193. Let's go!Copy !req
194. Now if a ball has been
removed from the gameCopy !req
195. under the misapprehension
that it has been pegged out,Copy !req
196. all play is deemed not to have occurred
and all points scored are canceled.Copy !req
197. Ahhh!Copy !req
198. Wake up!Copy !req
199. In approximately six hours,Copy !req
200. you have to face Wicket
and Snodgrass again. Remember them?Copy !req
201. Yeah, how can I forget?
One of them stole my girlfriend.Copy !req
202. Ugh, London's not your girlfriend.
She barely knows your name.Copy !req
203. So? She barely knows her own name.Copy !req
204. Which is one of the things
I love about her.Copy !req
205. Mr. Moseby, don't you know any trick shots
that would guarantee we'd win the game?Copy !req
206. There is one.Copy !req
207. Oh, but it's far too risky for amateurs!Copy !req
208. Done right, you put a tremendous
amount of spin on the ballCopy !req
209. and you can run all of the hoops
in a single stroke.Copy !req
210. But if you miscalculate
by even a centimeter.Copy !req
211. you will crush every bone in your foot.Copy !req
212. - What's it called?
- The bone crusher.Copy !req
213. Cool. Let's see it.Copy !req
214. All right, make sure you place your foot
no more than a blade's width of grassCopy !req
215. away from the ball, putting
the weight on the proximal phalanges.Copy !req
216. Not the distal phalanges,
proximal phalanges.Copy !req
217. Then you rotate your body 60 degrees,
not 59!Copy !req
218. Sixty! Then as the mallet comes back,Copy !req
219. you release the hip joint,Copy !req
220. creating a tremendous amount of torque
and as the mallet makes contact...Copy !req
221. Ow!Copy !req
222. Big Ben, that hurts!Copy !req
223. Okay, throw a rock in the bushes
to distract the bobbyCopy !req
224. - so we can sneak in there.
- Got it.Copy !req
225. Ow!Copy !req
226. Okay, the first thing
we need to look for is—Copy !req
227. Something to drink. These chips are salty.Copy !req
228. Ooh.Copy !req
229. Stop! That's poison.Copy !req
230. Suddenly not so thirsty.Copy !req
231. Don't put that on the podium.Copy !req
232. Not only is that the crime scene,Copy !req
233. but it's also a lovely piece of cabinetry.Copy !req
234. Wow, look at that scrollwork.Copy !req
235. It's hand beveled.Copy !req
236. You know so much about so many things
that I don't care about.Copy !req
237. Okay, the lights were
only out for four seconds.Copy !req
238. So the thief couldn't
have gotten that far.Copy !req
239. I'll close my eyes to simulate
darkness and you time me.Copy !req
240. Got it.Copy !req
241. One, two, three, four.Copy !req
242. - The book is in the bookcase.
- No.Copy !req
243. The police already searched the bookcase.Copy !req
244. That just leaves this bust
of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.Copy !req
245. So the book must be hidden in what was
obviously a worthless hollow fake.Copy !req
246. Oops. Nothing in that head.Copy !req
247. Nothing in this one either.Copy !req
248. You two again?Copy !req
249. Uh, I can explain.Copy !req
250. That you broke in here, got your greasy
fries all over the evidenceCopy !req
251. and destroyed a statue?Copy !req
252. You have to admit,
he's one heck of a detective.Copy !req
253. Run!Copy !req
254. Blue ball kisses off the yellow
and through the hoop.Copy !req
255. Oh, dear, he's about to make another shot.Copy !req
256. Put on your helmets
and hide your children.Copy !req
257. Yeah, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
258. What did I say about touching me, Snively?Copy !req
259. Sorry!Copy !req
260. - Oh, yes!
- Oh, well played, Zachary.Copy !req
261. Why, thank you, Marcusary.Copy !req
262. Ignore them, Snively. We're still way
ahead and this is an easy shot.Copy !req
263. Hey, watch this.Copy !req
264. Loser!Copy !req
265. Aah! Great shot, Wicky!
Look how far it went.Copy !req
266. It's out of bounds!Copy !req
267. I must take her back to my village.Copy !req
268. We're badly in need of a new idiot.Copy !req
269. Did you hear what he said about my London?Copy !req
270. Hey, hey, hey!
I'm pretty sure if you hit a Lord,Copy !req
271. he's allowed to chop off your head.Copy !req
272. Let's just beat him.Copy !req
273. How can we? We're way behind.
I don't even think it's possible.Copy !req
274. Anything is possible.Copy !req
275. This is croquet.Copy !req
276. Step aside.Copy !req
277. He's not!Copy !req
278. He can't. He is!Copy !req
279. Yes! That's my boy!
I taught him that move.Copy !req
280. Big Ben, that hurts!Copy !req
281. I taught him that one too.Copy !req
282. Well, looks like another
unsolvable British mystery.Copy !req
283. Like Jack the Ripper.Copy !req
284. Or why we boil our meat.Copy !req
285. Hey, not so fast. That goes with me back
to the evidence locker.Copy !req
286. - I don't think so.
- You two!Copy !req
287. - Constable, detain these twits.
- Uh, no!Copy !req
288. - I know who stole the priceless book.
- Ha-ha. You two solve the crime?Copy !req
289. Please. How absurd.Copy !req
290. Is... it?Copy !req
291. Yeah, is... it?Copy !req
292. Are you trying to look
through a lamb chop?Copy !req
293. We'll ask the questions here.Copy !req
294. For starters... Got any mint jelly?Copy !req
295. I got your text. We're getting
a private tour of Buckingham Palace?Copy !req
296. - How did you swing that?
- I haven't yet.Copy !req
297. But I'm sure to get an invite once
I recover the queen's missing book.Copy !req
298. I'm about to crack this case wide open.Copy !req
299. Really, when are you gonna give this up?Copy !req
300. Yes, please, when?Copy !req
301. As soon as I explain to everyone
why you are the thief.Copy !req
302. Him? Why, he's an inspector
from Scotland Yard.Copy !req
303. - I saw his badge.
- Fake! He's an imposter.Copy !req
304. Why, he's not even British.Copy !req
305. You dare question my nationality?Copy !req
306. I do! I do dare.Copy !req
307. Last night you were complaining about how
Woody was making a mess with his fries.Copy !req
308. Well, he was.
We Brits are very fastidious.Copy !req
309. But a Brit would call them chips.Copy !req
310. Never fries.
I submit that you are Belgian.Copy !req
311. The same Belgian who has outbid me online
for Conan Doyle's bedpan.Copy !req
312. Belgian? That's preposterous.
My name is Ray Emit-Majors.Copy !req
313. So you say.Copy !req
314. But if you unscramble those letters,
it spells James Moriarty.Copy !req
315. Your real name!Copy !req
316. No! Don't help, Watson.Copy !req
317. James Moriarty was Holmes' arch-nemesis.Copy !req
318. You are Belgium's number one
Sherlock Holmes collector.Copy !req
319. Jean-Claude Benoit AKA Waffleman221.Copy !req
320. Well, I hate to poke holes
in your daft theory,Copy !req
321. but I don't have the book.
Poke, poke, poke!Copy !req
322. Poke all you want.Copy !req
323. But look at this stain on Woody's shirt.Copy !req
324. The proof is in the pudding.Copy !req
325. Actually that is pudding.Copy !req
326. Oh, no, no, not that stain.Copy !req
327. The wood stain transferred from your
fingernails when you "escorted" us out.Copy !req
328. The same wood stain used to finish this
handcrafted podium,Copy !req
329. which you've rigged to hold...Copy !req
330. The missing book.Copy !req
331. Sacre bleu.Copy !req
332. And I thought my plan was pure genius.Copy !req
333. No, my boyfriend is the genius.Copy !req
334. Ah, well, at least I don't have to speakCopy !req
335. in a ridiculous accent anymore.Copy !req
336. Okay, last shot,
but we're only one point back.Copy !req
337. So one easy hit through the hoop,
into the peg and we win.Copy !req
338. Yes, then London will drop Lord LoserCopy !req
339. and she and I will ride off
into the sunset.Copy !req
340. On the way can you drop me off
at the hospital?Copy !req
341. Miss, miss, miss!Copy !req
342. Hey, hey!Copy !req
343. What? I'm merely trying
to get the attention of the crumpet girl.Copy !req
344. Thank you.Copy !req
345. Another mystery solved
by the Boston Holmies.Copy !req
346. In your face, Seattle Holmies.Copy !req
347. Uh, he's getting away!Copy !req
348. Stop that thief!Copy !req
349. Back off or the book gets it in the spine!Copy !req
350. We won!Copy !req
351. Oh, Marcus, that was brilliant!Copy !req
352. Boys, I am so proud of you.Copy !req
353. Now if you like, there is room for you
on the American croquet team.Copy !req
354. Truth be told, there's room for everybody.Copy !req
355. Because it's just me and
two guys named Spencer in Connecticut.Copy !req
356. Oh, here's London with my victory hug.Copy !req
357. Marcus, you're a hero!Copy !req
358. Yeah, I guess.Copy !req
359. Ooh! Okay, wrinkling the rich girl. Yeah.Copy !req
360. London, why are you hugging this loser?Copy !req
361. Because he's my friend.
And Snively told me what you said.Copy !req
362. By the way, your village
already has an idiot. It's you!Copy !req
363. I'll put you on the croquet team, too,
my friend.Copy !req
364. Good show! I just radioed headquarters.Copy !req
365. The queen has been informed
that you saved her bookCopy !req
366. and she's invited you for tea.Copy !req
367. Oh, am I allowed to bring a special guest?Copy !req
368. What I'm gonna wear?Copy !req
369. Again, not you.Copy !req
370. All right, come on.Copy !req
371. This is gonna be the best day of my life!Copy !req
372. And it's only going to get better.
After we meet the queen,Copy !req
373. it's off to the Porcelain Museum
to see Churchill's bathtub.Copy !req
374. Oh, good. It's been a long day.
I gotta clean up. Let's go.Copy !req