1. Straighten that collar. Suck in that gut.
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2. Pop that zit.
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3. What is the entire crew doing up here,
as opposed to, I don't know,
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4. steering the boat?
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5. We have an important guest flying
in on the Tipton helicopter.
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6. Your father is coming?
Why didn't anyone tell me?
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7. I would have had the fog horn
re-tuned from that melancholy B-flat
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8. to a cheerful C.
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9. No, not my daddy. My doggy!
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10. Ivana is coming! Here, hold this.
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11. One of the cabin boys
painted it for me. It says:
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12. "Bone Voyage." Get it?
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13. - Bone.
- Got it.
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14. Good. Can you explain it to me?
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15. Here's your Four Berry Blast.
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16. Boysen, raz, blue and straw.
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17. - I only ordered three.
- Then I guess you're berry lucky.
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18. Then I guess you won't be
getting a berry big tip.
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19. Which will make me berry sad.
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20. Your turn.
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21. She's here!
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22. Wait! Well, just get me the dog cage.
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23. - Not that! Would you...?
- Go that way! That way! This way!
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24. - Hey, Ashton!
- Can you believe this helicopter?
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25. I spent an hour gelling my hair!
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26. Hold still, Frank!
Don't you know how to hover?
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27. Aah!
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28. Snookums!
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29. You saved me. I can't believe
you would take a cake for me.
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30. It's no big deal. I still got less
gunk in my hair than that guy.
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31. Zack, that cake
was supposed to be for Ivana!
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32. That would explain the liver frosting.
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33. Here, Ivana. Try some.
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34. Is that a freckle or a sprinkle?
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35. Ow!
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36. You know, actually, that's my eye.
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37. You got frosting on my Farnucci flip-flop.
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38. Dude! Five second rule.
You can still eat that.
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39. - Towel boy!
- That would be me, tragically.
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40. Actually I'm a student here on the ship,
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41. and my brother maxed out
my student cash card.
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42. Don't care. I asked for a towel boy,
not boring-story boy.
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43. It's not boring if you wait till the end.
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44. Why don't you join us for dinner
tonight in the grand dining room?
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45. - Doesn't that sound nice, Ashton?
- For him, maybe.
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46. You might enjoy eating
with utensils for a change.
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47. Dude, what gets stuck under my nails
makes for a nice snack later.
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48. You know he's not kidding, right?
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49. - So you'll join us?
- Yeah, I'd love to grub with you guys.
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50. - Thanks for inviting me.
- I'm Violet.
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51. - I'm Zack.
- I'm late for Pilates.
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52. Well, thanks again.
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53. I think we hit it off.
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54. What are you thinking? She's in
first class and you have no class.
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55. I'm thinking hot babe
minus the jerk, equals happy Zack.
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56. Wow. That was almost math.
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57. Good job, buddy.
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58. Oh, snookums. I'm sorry
that your landing was so rough.
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59. Especially since you're still
recovering from your tummy tuck.
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60. Hi, roomie!
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61. Remember Porkers?
He's finally out of quarantine.
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62. So I thought we could have a pet playdate.
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63. Get that pig out of here. He does
not belong where people sleep!
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64. He's as much of a pet as Ivana.
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65. A pig isn't a pet, it's breakfast.
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66. Don't you say that in front of Porkers.
He's very sensitive.
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67. And delicious.
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68. There's no way that thing is staying.
Send it to the kitchen where it belongs.
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69. I'll have you know,
pigs are much smarter than dogs.
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70. Oh, yeah? Can Porkers tell the difference
between a diamond and a cubic zirconium?
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71. I can't even do that.
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72. No wonder the pig seems smart to you.
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73. That's it! I challenge you to a
competition to see whose pet is smarter.
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74. You're on! And the losing pig
has to swim home.
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75. Or the losing dog has to stay
in the ship's kennel.
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76. Fine. The loser goes to the hold.
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77. They like pretty pigs
like you down in the kennel.
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78. Now, Porkers, you know we don't
use that kind of language.
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79. I don't care if she is one.
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80. And that's why, to this day,
I only use a left-handed polo mallet.
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81. What a delightful horse attack anecdote.
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82. Ladies, gentlemen, Ashton.
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83. Zack, you clean up nice!
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84. Well, lucky my brother has
eight different kinds of loofahs.
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85. You must be Violet's sister.
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86. - Oh, please.
- Shh.
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87. Let the boy talk.
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88. It's a pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Berg.
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89. Nice tux. Maybe you'll grow
into it someday.
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90. You know what? I admit it!
It's a little roomy.
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91. I borrowed it from a friend.
He's a waiter here.
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92. Good thing he's not friends
with the waitress,
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93. or he'd be wearing a miniskirt.
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94. Well, I hate to brag,
but I do have the legs for it.
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95. I'm gonna sit down.
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96. - I have an announcement.
Dude...
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97. you don't gotta announce it. Just go.
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98. You were saying, Ashton?
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99. Why say it,
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100. when you can show it?
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101. It's the Kidney of the Sea.
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102. That's one tricked-out organ.
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103. Louis XIV had it made for his sweetheart.
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104. She had a kidney stone problem,
and once passed one the size of,
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105. well, this.
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106. Ouch!
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107. And now it will grace
the neck of my Violet.
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108. She loves it!
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109. Mother, I can speak for myself.
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110. - It is beautiful.
- And she loves it!
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111. She can wear it to my
birthday gala tomorrow night.
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112. I'm going to be 30.
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113. Five.
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114. Okay, 40, but that's as high as I'll go.
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115. Come, Violet.
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116. Let's see how your Kidney sparkles
under the lights of the disco ball.
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117. Wasn't that a wonderful gift?
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118. It sure beats the candy bracelet
I was gonna give her.
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119. Cody, I want to thank you
for being our referee.
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120. I know you'll be fair and impartial.
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121. - You forgot honest.
- Honestly, make sure I win.
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122. But not right away.
I don't want it to be obvious.
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123. - Obvious? You just bribed him.
- I didn't.
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124. - You did.
- Didn't.
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125. Cheater, cheater, pumpkin eater...
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126. Ladies! Respect the striped shirt.
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127. All right. Let's start
with some basic commands.
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128. Sit.
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129. All right, one point for Porkers.
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130. One point for Ivana...
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131. and one point for London.
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132. Yay! I'm tied for first place!
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133. Moving on. And this time,
just for the animals.
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134. Speak.
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135. - That wasn't a bark.
- Porkers doesn't bark. He's a pig!
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136. Can we have a ruling here, judgy-wudgy?
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137. Squeal is good.
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138. Now, animals, play dead.
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139. Look at Mommy's little girl!
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140. She's playing dead so well,
Mommy's sad. Oh, yes, she is.
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141. Who's a smart dead doggy?
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142. Check out Porkers.
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143. That's a winner. And extra
points for presentation.
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144. What part of bribe don't you get?
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145. Hi, Zack.
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146. Oh, Hey, Violet. What's going on?
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147. Here! It seems I'm always
cleaning food off of you.
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148. You know, If we were apes,
that would make us married.
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149. Well, don't tell my mother.
She'd go bananas.
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150. She doesn't like me, does she?
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151. No. It's not that she doesn't like you.
She just likes Ashton and his money.
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152. She's hoping there's
a merger in our future.
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153. - You mean a marriage?
- No, merger.
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154. Our family makes olive oil,
his makes vinegar.
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155. Together, we could
have a salad dressing empire.
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156. You know, just for the record,
olive oil and vinegar don't mix.
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157. So where's your necklace?
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158. I left it in my room.
It's a little too ostentatious for me.
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159. Well, I don't know about that,
but it sure is flashy.
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160. So what are you doing today?
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161. Whatever you're doing.
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162. Well, right now, I'm just picking up
empty smoothie cups.
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163. Sounds like fun.
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164. You've never worked a day
in your life, have you?
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165. Nope. But I'd like to give it a shot.
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166. Well then, today is your lucky day.
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167. - Start picking up some empty cups.
- Okay.
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168. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, Hey!
Wait till they're done.
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169. So are you done yet? I wanna see it.
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170. You know, it really
doesn't do you justice.
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171. Oh, just let me see it.
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172. No! It's amazing. I love how you
made my eyes bigger than my head.
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173. And the spaceships are excellent.
I love the one with the monkey in it.
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174. That's me.
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175. Well, that doesn't do you justice.
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176. - Are you cold?
- A little.
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177. - I'm gonna run and get my wrap.
- Hey, no.
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178. I'll get it for you, my little mermaid.
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179. Oh, why, thank you, my little merman.
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180. Okay, now we're going a bit too far.
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181. I agree. My wrap is in
the top drawer of my dresser.
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182. - I'll miss you.
- I'll miss you too.
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183. I'll miss you more. Too far, again?
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184. No.
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185. I don't think those simple commands
are a fair test of a dog's intelligence.
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186. I mean, sit, speak, rollover?
Those are pig tricks.
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187. Well, according to the latest issue of
Dog Obsessed Monthly, a simple way
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188. to test intelligence is to throw
a towel over its head
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189. and see how long
it takes him to get it off.
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190. We'll start with Ivana.
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191. Ready, set, go!
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192. She's snoring. She fell asleep.
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193. Because it's dark under there!
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194. Which means beddy-bye, which shows
she's smart. Give her points for that.
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195. Your turn, Bacon Bits.
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196. You don't get points for falling asleep.
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197. You get points for shaking the
towel off your head. Like this.
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198. Wow! That's a record.
Ten points for Porkers.
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199. Yay! That deserves a hug!
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200. Well, If you insist.
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201. I think this entire competition is rigged.
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202. Oh, please.
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203. Look, I know how hard it is to put
fruit in a blender and push a button,
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204. but this isn't a smoothie. It's a lumpy.
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205. Here you are. Enjoy your drink.
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206. There's an empty table right behind you.
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207. - Mr. Moseby!
- Yes, Mrs. Berg?
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208. Do you think this ice sculpture makes
me look like I have a double chin?
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209. Wait an hour. One of them will melt.
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210. Violet, you look lovely.
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211. But why aren't you wearing
the Kidney of the Sea?
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212. Well, it's so valuable I only want to
wear it on special occasions.
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213. What could be more special
than my 40th birthday?
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214. Next year, when you're 50.
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215. Your mother's right.
You should wear it. Go get it.
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216. Okay, the truth is, I can't find it.
I looked everywhere.
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217. - I tore the room apart.
- Really?
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218. Well, perhaps it's been stolen!
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219. Did I just hear the "S" word?
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220. Yes, the Kidney has been stolen.
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221. Well, have one of the little hot dogs.
They're delicious!
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222. No. He means my diamond necklace.
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223. Not the Kidney of the Sea!
How could you let it out of your sight?
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224. Has anyone else had access to your room?
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225. I didn't see anybody when I was up there.
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226. I probably shouldn't have said that.
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227. Kidney thief! Check his pockets.
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228. Whoa, back off!
You wanna see what's in my pockets?
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229. I'll show you what's in my pockets.
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230. In this pocket, I have a half-eaten
peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
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231. And in this pocket, I have...
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232. the Kidney of the Sea.
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233. Good gobstoppers, that's a big rock.
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234. - It's always the help!
- Arrest him!
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235. - What?
- Zack.
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236. - Violet, I swear I didn't do it.
- I want to believe you,
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237. but why was the necklace in your pocket?
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238. I don't know! I thought there
was a brownie in there.
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239. Make him walk the plank!
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240. Sadly, our plank was removed
in the late 1700s.
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241. Furthermore, I know Zack Martin,
and he is many things.
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242. He's annoying, lazy, unreliable,
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243. often unkempt...
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244. careless and reckless,
tardy, obnoxious, destructive,
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245. a trifle gassy.
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246. Zack is also loud,
irresponsible, devious...
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247. Is there a "but" coming anytime soon?
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248. And a pain in the butt.
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249. - Thanks.
- However, he is not a thief.
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250. Then how do you explain
the necklace in his pocket?
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251. One of the diamonds is missing!
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252. He must have sold it
to feed his bubble gum habit!
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253. I can quit anytime I want.
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254. Starting tomorrow.
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255. Obviously, he has no impulse control.
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256. A sure sign of the criminal mind.
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257. This event is the scavenger hunt.
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258. The animal who finds
the most objects wins.
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259. We're ahead, Porkers.
I know you can do this.
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260. But no matter what happens,
Mommy loves you.
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261. Listen, you loser!
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262. You win this event or Mommy will
cancel your doggy debit card!
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263. Ready? Go!
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264. He found the rope!
You're the best, and I'm not faking!
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265. I won't turn you into bacon.
Give me a "P!"
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266. No, not on the deck.
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267. This is unfair. That pig's used
to being led around on a rope.
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268. We should be looking
for things that Ivana knows.
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269. I want someone to find
this missing diamond!
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270. Ivana, where are you going?
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271. Get this filthy mutt off of me!
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272. My Ivana is not a filthy mutt!
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273. Oh, Mrs. Berg?
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274. Is this the missing diamond
from the necklace?
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275. - It can't be!
- Well, let's see.
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276. Well, it's a perfect match.
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277. Ashton, what was it doing in your pocket?
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278. Uh, well, um...
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279. When I gave you the necklace,
it must have fallen out.
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280. No, you gave it to me in a box
and all the diamonds were there.
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281. You stole the necklace
to try and frame me.
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282. Yes! And I would've gotten away with it
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283. if it weren't for you meddling kids
and your dog!
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284. I'll get him!
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285. Make way. Oh!
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286. No, wait! Whoa! Okay.
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287. Stop it. Stop it now!
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288. Ladies and gentlemen, I want you to
know I have everything under control.
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289. Zack! Wait, careful! Ice Berg dead ahead!
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290. No!
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291. No. I'm wearing silk!
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292. Seltzer with a little salt
will take that right out.
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293. Remember, dab, don't rub.
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294. Violet, Violet.
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295. Zack! Zack, take my hand!
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296. Don't ever let go!
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297. I'll never let go, I promise.
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298. It's a hot tub. Just stand up!
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299. But Ivana solved a crime. That's
a lot smarter than finding rope.
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300. - No, it isn't.
- Is so!
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301. - Is not!
- Is so!
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302. Judgy-wudgy, we need a ruling.
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303. I'm calling it a draw.
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304. It's not enough that Ivana solved a crime?
You want her to draw something?
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305. No, a draw is a tie.
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306. Ivana looks ridiculous in a tie,
and she was clearly the winner.
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307. Get your bathing suit, other
white meat. Time to swim home.
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308. No, London. What I'm trying to say
is that both pets are winners.
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309. - That is so lame.
Yeah. Totally.
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310. No one likes a wishy-washy judgy-wudgy.
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311. We should've asked
that lifeguard to be judge.
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312. - Yeah, he's really cute.
- And he'll take a bribe.
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313. You guys aren't mad at me, are you?
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314. No, I'm sorry, I don't speak Pig Latin.
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315. Yeah, I'm getting rid
of last year's jewelry also.
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316. You might wanna get rid
of those earrings too.
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