1. Okay, listen up.
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2. This is the NASD Series 7
stockbroker's exam.
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3. It will test your knowledge of stocks,
bonds and other securities.
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4. If your last name starts with
A through L, you should be next door.
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5. The exam is in two parts, each
part is three hours long...
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6. there will be a one-hour break.
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7. As I call your name,
please answer "here."
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8. - Martin, Samantha.
- Here.
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9. - McClure, Peter.
- Here.
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10. - Moltisanti, Christopher.
- Here!
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11. Tony!
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12. Ton'!
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13. Jesus Christ!
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14. Can I talk to you?
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15. - Where the fuck you been?
- We're gonna talk here?
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16. - Come in the house.
- I got your word, I walk in...
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17. I'm walking back out.
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18. I don't see you for all this time.
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19. No word. Nothing.
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20. This is how you come back?
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21. Do I got your word?
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22. Coffee?
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23. No.
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24. You look good.
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25. - Tan.
- Yeah, right.
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26. The tan ghost.
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27. You're a good guy, Tony,
but you abuse that jokey shit.
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28. - What you gotta say to me?
- I'm back, Tony.
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29. I'm tan.
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30. I'm in a fucking tan nightmare.
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31. What, you think I'm stupid?
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32. I don't know it when every one of my
friends turns against me? Fuck!
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33. All right, easy, okay?
I don't think you're stupid.
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34. There was a fucking rat.
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35. So you finger me?
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36. You think I didn't know
what was going on...
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37. when you come to my house,
telling me you're my friend?
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38. That's when I knew I was in trouble.
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39. When out of the blue you start
telling me you're my friend!
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40. - Oh, is that right?
- Anthony Jr., get up!
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41. I think I'm sick!
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42. You owe me the fucking explanation!
You know it!
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43. Well, remind me never
to get sick again.
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44. Never to have a serious illness,
because with you, Sylvio and Paulie...
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45. and all you pricks, weakness
spreads as fucking treason!
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46. Fuck you! I don't want to hear
about your back anymore!
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47. Who's your fucking boss, huh?
Who gets the explanation?
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48. Am I supposed to trust you?
You off-the-reservation cocksucker!
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49. It was a broad, Tony.
It was complicated.
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50. - My back was for shit, you knew that.
- I don't want to hear about your back!
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51. That's how we met.
This fucking "spondylolisth."
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52. That's why I was popping Percocets
like freaking Jujubes.
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53. So my doctor, he prescribes
this clinic for me in Puerto Rico.
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54. I didn't exactly object,
given the vibes around here.
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55. Go ahead, check.
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56. - You don't tell your wife?
- That twat brought on most of this.
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57. - How?
- Listen.
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58. Down there I met this girl.
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59. Twenty-six...
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60. an acupuncturist. It was the only
thing that helped my sciatic nerve.
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61. One thing led to another.
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62. - You can't send one feeler to me?
- I'm gonna trust you?
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63. Paulie? Take the word of a
degenerate cop over me?
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64. Tony, who are you
talking to down there?
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65. Jesus!
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66. So why'd you come back, huh?
What changed?
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67. Nothing changed. That's the problem.
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68. Still got two kids in college.
One just got married, needs my help.
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69. I gotta get my action back.
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70. Oh, just like that?
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71. I came to you, Tony.
I'm in your hands.
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72. Bring up two cases of bottled water
with you, then!
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73. Come here.
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74. Come here, you fat fuck.
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75. Hey, my back! I still gotta get
these frigging shots.
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76. You fucking beached whale.
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77. Hey!
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78. Want to pat this down too?
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79. Come here.
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80. Come on.
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81. Don't ever pull this shit again.
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82. - So your uncle's under indictment?
- 12 RICO predicates.
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83. Who stepped up to run his crew?
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84. Piss boy. Philly Parisi.
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85. Oh, yeah, Philly.
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86. Philly! Don't forget the pastries!
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87. That's my favorite bag.
Don't lose it.
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88. Yo, Philly!
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89. Were you waiting long?
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90. Not bad. We were late landing anyhow.
Thanks for doing this, Philly.
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91. Coming off the lam,
every nickel counts.
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92. These fucking cabs!
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93. So how's Boston?
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94. It was good to be back
for a while, then, you know...
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95. Do I? That place is Scranton,
with clams.
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96. So, what's been going on?
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97. Same tale of woe...
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98. What's this I hear about Tony
Soprano's mother, some accident?
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99. - Had her in a nursing home.
- Get out of here.
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100. This upset Junior no end.
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101. When Junior come after him...
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102. Tony went to the home,
tried to suffocate his own mother.
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103. You shouldn't spread that rumor.
That's some ugly shit.
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104. Only telling you.
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105. - Listen, you'd be fucking amazed.
- There's more?
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106. No, what?
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107. - He was seeing a psychiatrist.
- Tony?
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108. Fucking broad from Montclair.
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109. Anyway...
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110. this...
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111. is who leads us now.
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112. Here you go, kid.
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113. There you go, you big mouth fuck!
Fuck!
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114. It's done.
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115. Maybe she's seeing someone.
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116. You know, the way I see you.
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117. See why she'd never tell me.
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118. I'm afraid we have to stop now.
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119. - When will your office be finished?
- My new carpet's not in yet.
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120. I'm sorry. I know this is awkward.
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121. My old therapist worked
out of his home.
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122. That's... not convenient for me.
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123. Yes?
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124. It's all over. Safe to go home now.
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125. How'd you get this number?
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126. Where are you calling from?
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127. Are you watching me?
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128. You know, Webistics would
be perfect for your portfolio.
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129. I know you're on a fixed income but...
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130. with Webistics you could triple
your money in a year.
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131. What time is it?
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132. So, "E.F."
I'm listening.
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133. It's fucking tedious, this shit.
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134. Well, you are the boss.
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135. If it's your executive decision
to go down the shore...
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136. fuck it.
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137. Yeah.
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138. Yo, Matthew.
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139. I gotta take a meeting.
Keep things in control here.
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140. Word up. Later, chief!
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141. I shouldn't be telling you this.
Webistics is the next Yahoo.
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142. We're only selling it to
preferred clients.
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143. American Forestry? 191/2,
up 3/8. Very sound company.
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144. Uh-huh.
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145. Depends on whether you want to go
for growth or value.
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146. We've got hundreds of mutual funds
to choose from...
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147. You're supposed to push Webistics!
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148. I was just giving them alternatives.
Shit!
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149. Webistics is our pick of the week.
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150. Why? It's got a 3 million float,
the competition's robust and their...
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151. technology's two years behind!
Your stock's a dog!
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152. Ahh!
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153. We say sell, you sell!
Don't think about it!
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154. Please! Stop!
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155. Hey! Stop that!
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156. I'm still manager. This is
unacceptable. Where's Moltisanti?
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157. I'm gonna make a call.
I know who runs this operation.
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158. Get back in your fucking office.
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159. Anybody else got a problem?
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160. - Tony.
- Hey, counselor, how are you?
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161. - How are you?
- Good.
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162. - You look good.
- Thanks, have a seat.
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163. - You want a drink?
- No.
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164. Before we commence, a thousand
thank-yous for Webistics.
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165. I sold off some of my Disney
to buy it.
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166. My pleasure.
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167. So, where do we stand this month?
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168. Your uncle's petitioning to get out
on a medical, pending trial.
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169. Let him.
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170. - He thinks they might let him out.
- Maybe as a temptation for you to act.
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171. Since you're at the helm, it gets
back to putting up bigger blinds.
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172. Limiting your exposure to
potential RICO boo-boos.
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173. Only way to run a family these days
is bunker-style...
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174. you peer out through the slit.
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175. Excuse me.
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176. Yeah.
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177. You're not gonna believe this.
Your sister's here.
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178. - Barbara?
- No, Janice.
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179. - You're shitting me.
- No.
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180. I wonder what the scam is.
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181. I'm gonna be 5 grand lighter before
she rain-dances back to the commune.
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182. Tell her she can stay.
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183. Are you sure?
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184. Yeah.
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185. We'll get Barbara, Tom and the kids
and make a reunion out of it.
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186. - But obviously...
- Your mother isn't welcome.
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187. Give Janice my love.
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188. See you later.
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189. - My sister's here from Seattle.
- Nice.
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190. Where is he?
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191. Let me pinch those bulldog cheeks.
Come over here!
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192. - Puerto Rico?
- Yeah.
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193. That water down there. You think
you'd have shit some weight off.
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194. You say we were gonna crab the
river looking for him?
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195. - What's the matter with you?
- Tony explained it.
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196. - Listen to this.
- You heard about Jimmy Altieri?
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197. Flipped, fucking asshole.
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198. - Had two when they buried him.
- So, all my money on the street...
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199. all those payments,
I guess just evaporated?
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200. We made your pickups for you.
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201. Thanks, Paulie. I mean that.
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202. No shit.
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203. - They all paid up to the letter?
- Few things got lost in the confusion.
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204. You can picture.
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205. Did what we could with the
information we had.
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206. Boss of the family
deserves the credit.
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207. - Salute!
- Salute!
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208. - Hey, Silv.
- What?
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209. What?
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210. I've been gone a long time.
Let me hear it.
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211. "Just when I thought I was out,
they pull me back in."
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212. "All right, Kay.
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213. Just this one time, I'll let you
ask me about my affairs."
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214. "Is it true, Michael?"
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215. "No."
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216. "You fucking schifosa."
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217. "Our true enemy has yet...
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218. to reveal himself."
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219. He's on a roll!
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220. I gotta get the fuck out of here!
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221. Oh, Tony, I hate to ruin the party.
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222. Got a call from Loiaco
down at brokerage.
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223. "Chip and Dale" sent one
of the brokers...
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224. - ... to the emergency room.
- Oh, fuck me! These kids!
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225. My fucking nephew, right?
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226. You call him and tell him
I want to see him right away.
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227. It all checks out.
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228. Puerto Rico, the clinic.
All that shit, from what I can tell.
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229. - How was the guest bed, sleep okay?
- Great.
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230. Except usually I bring my own
pillow. Ergonomic.
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231. Got ripped off at a bus stop
in Rapid City.
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232. Linoleum's not good enough no more?
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233. Look who decides to join us!
My little brother.
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234. - How you doing, Jan?
- Good.
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235. - "Parvati."
- I'm her brother, I get a pass.
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236. You look good.
You look like a teenager.
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237. - My therapist says I'm regressing.
- Your therapist?
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238. - Who pays for that?
- State of Washington.
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239. - Total disability.
- Oh, yeah...
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240. - ... the Epstein-Barr.
- Was.
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241. Carpal tunnel from my last job.
Steam milk machine.
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242. No worse pain.
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243. I stayed up waiting.
When did you get in?
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244. Late, you know, morning.
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245. What's that smell?
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246. Miso soup with seaweed.
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247. She was telling us about Seattle.
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248. I better not see those
grunge pants on you.
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249. - Dad, how do you stay so hip?
- I'll be back in a sec.
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250. Don't let your father near my soup.
He makes fun...
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251. but he'll eat anything
that's not locked away.
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252. Don't see her in years
and you start in on her diet?
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253. Believe me, she gives as good
as she gets.
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254. Give me a hit off that.
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255. Oh, ho! Who's in charge here?
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256. You look sensational, Janice,
really. You know, not a line.
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257. - Beautiful kids. You must be proud.
- Yeah, how about that, huh?
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258. Even with our genes.
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259. So, you still with that... Adolf?
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260. Rolf.
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261. No. Rolf went back to Andorra.
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262. - You seem good. Mood-wise.
- Yeah, things are very good nowadays.
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263. How are things really with Ma?
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264. She's dead to me.
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265. I don't want to get in your way.
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266. You stayed and took the brunt.
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267. Barb and I, we're never gonna forget.
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268. You forgot it okay for about 20
years. At least Barb pitched in.
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269. I've made my share of mistakes. But
Ma can't stay in the hospital forever.
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270. I'll tell you about her stroke.
It's called a conversion reaction.
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271. It's a big opera brought on by
repressed rage. It's bullshit.
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272. No infarc-whatever-the-fuck.
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273. But the symptoms were the same
as a stroke...
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274. so she can't take care of herself.
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275. She's on the lam in that hospital.
From me.
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276. Who did what to who,
it's not my business.
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277. Mom is bewildered. I mention you
and her eyes fill up with tears.
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278. Oh, boy!
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279. I'm not asking you to step in, Tony.
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280. It's my turn now. That's why I came.
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281. She's a strega. She's the devil.
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282. She was. Now she's just a confused,
frightened old woman.
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283. So, look, all I need is
a couple hundred bucks...
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284. to fix her car so I can get back
and forth to the hospital.
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285. Then I'll take her to Seattle.
I'll stay in her house meanwhile.
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286. Oh, I doubt that.
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287. - I just put her house on the market.
- Oh.
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288. Look...
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289. I'm glad you're here. Okay?
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290. You want to play Florence Nightingale,
that's your choice.
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291. Only this is the last time
we mention her in this house.
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292. Okay.
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293. Hey, T!
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294. Seven and Seven, over here.
Whoa, what's the matter now?
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295. Loiaco called. Your two friends
beat the shit out of a broker.
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296. - Two others quit.
- He was pushing some other stock!
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297. It attracts negative attention.
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298. Then the fucks rip off
a Porsche from our own building.
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299. - I'll call them.
- No, you'll go down there. Now.
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300. What did you get your license
for, your résumé?
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301. I told you, spend more time
down at the brokerage.
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302. You're the SEC compliance officer,
for chrissake!
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303. You gotta exercise impulse control.
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304. Okay, Ton. I'm sorry.
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305. Okay.
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306. All right.
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307. - I can't show it in this condition.
- What is this?
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308. There's a high school up the street.
A sink was left on upstairs.
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309. You don't even want to see
the toilets.
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310. Excuse me.
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311. Wait'll I catch these kids.
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312. Break a few windows,
think they're Johnny Badass.
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313. The fuckin' jackals.
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314. Will you stop, please?
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315. Your sister Barbara and the kids
are coming down.
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316. You better not be in this mood.
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317. - And I need you to pick up sausage.
- Yeah, how many pounds, hot or sweet?
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318. Don't you act like it's a chore.
This party was your idea.
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319. You said you were happy
Janice was home.
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320. And my parents are coming and...
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321. Oh, really?
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322. Now that the dragon lady's gone,
they'll set foot in our house?
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323. She said some horrible things
to them over the years.
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324. Hey, I'm not defending her.
She's dead to me.
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325. Mope your way through this,
I'll cut your throat.
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326. - I've been in a great mood lately.
- Right.
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327. You need to start therapy again.
You're self-medicating.
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328. - We haven't had sex since...
- Forget it. No therapy.
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329. You should take a look at what they
did to your mother's bedroom.
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330. They're rookies. They're not used
to this kind of stress...
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331. - He better not say a word.
- It won't happen again.
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332. - You got my word on that.
- I appreciate it, Chris, thank you.
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333. Come on in.
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334. Hey, Chris, brought you a little capp.
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335. Thanks.
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336. Sit down.
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337. Refresh my memory on this play
we're making on Webistics.
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338. We own 400,000 shares at 60 cents.
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339. Trade on the bulletin board, OTC.
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340. If we cold-call enough
seniors, pump and dump.
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341. Yeah, yeah. You guys ain't spent
much time in the NFL, face it.
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342. What? Two years with Eddie Stags.
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343. Besides waxing his car.
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344. - When he was in county...
- When you're bleeding a guy...
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345. you don't squeeze him
dry right away.
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346. Contrarily, you let him
do his bidding. Suavely.
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347. So you can bleed next week and the
week after. At a minimum.
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348. We don't need a guy getting pissed
and running to the SEC.
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349. - Is that what you're saying?
- Break it down.
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350. - Sorry, Chris.
- When are we dumping the stock?
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351. You'll know when you need to know.
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352. Excellent.
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353. This is cold, by the way.
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354. Guys.
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355. Any more Porsches disappear, make it
two towns over. And I want a taste.
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356. You're the man.
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357. She's gonna be so happy to see you.
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358. - Grandma, it's me.
- Look who's here.
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359. - Ma, I'm going downstairs.
- You spend all day on that elevator.
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360. Grandma, you've got to eat.
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361. Let me die.
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362. Don't say that.
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363. I saw a light.
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364. And voices calling out to me.
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365. What went on with you and Dad?
Mom won't tell me.
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366. What? Why, what'd he say?
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367. - Nothing. He won't mention you.
- Eh, that one.
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368. He blames me for everything.
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369. I know. Me too.
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370. At night... they hit us.
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371. - Why can't our family just get along?
- Some people don't want to.
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372. But you, you listen to him.
You do what he says.
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373. He's your father.
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374. I won't leave you here like this.
They can't stop me from seeing you.
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375. Meadow. Meadow.
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376. Take that, in the drawer, in the
drawer. Take it.
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377. Oh, my God. This was
your grandmother's, wasn't it?
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378. It's so you won't forget me.
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379. Come on, motherfuck!
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380. Motherfuck!
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381. Oh, fuck.
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382. I told my family
I got broadsided...
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383. but I passed out behind the wheel.
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384. See, my mother and me,
we had a falling out.
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385. And since then, things
have been good.
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386. - Clean break.
- What kind of falling out?
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387. One of those unfortunate situations.
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388. A lot of screaming, profanity.
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389. Anyway, things were good.
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390. And then my sister came back.
It's good to see her, I guess.
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391. Cues from childhood kick in.
Older sister.
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392. That should be obvious enough.
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393. It's starting to bleed
into my business.
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394. What sort of business?
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395. Commercial and non-putrescible waste.
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396. Mr...
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397. "Spears."
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398. I watch the news like everyone else.
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399. I know who you are.
And I saw Analyze This.
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400. I don't need the ramifications that
could arise from treating someone...
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401. like yourself.
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402. Analyze This?
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403. It's a comedy.
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404. I'm not taking new patients.
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405. Oh, my baby sister!
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406. Oh, you look great!
Who is this little guy?
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407. Traffic was terrible...
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408. Keep it down!
You'll scare the neighbors!
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409. Oh, fuck!
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410. Oh, my baby!
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411. Cut it out. Knock it off!
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412. - Carm, the fire's almost ready.
- Great, Parv, I'll be out in a second.
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413. "Parvati," she's a cheese now?
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414. - It's a Hindu goddess.
- Nice for her.
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415. She still answers to "Janice"
if it makes you more comfortable.
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416. You! Go to the market, pick up
a couple cans of pears.
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417. Canned pears, not fresh.
That's the secret to my pound cake.
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418. And get some basilico
while you're there.
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419. - The pears, you want the Dole?
- I'm not even gonna answer this time.
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420. There's a new market, Dad, on Pike.
Lot of changes since you've been here.
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421. With that Mommy Dearest around?
Never again, I swore it.
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422. It's exactly what she wanted.
You played right into her hands.
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423. Remember what she said to you
at your wedding?
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424. She said it was a mistake. Tony
would get bored with you.
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425. Cannonball!
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426. Hey, take it easy.
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427. Tom, let me ask you something.
You ever go down to Cape...
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428. I love seeing them like that
over a fire.
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429. They're better over a spit.
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430. Who does Anthony look like right now?
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431. Dad.
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432. We stopped in to see Ma.
How do you think she is?
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433. Ma? A little weak,
but she's all there.
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434. Some family reunion, our mother
is barred from the premises.
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435. You shouldn't get too close.
Look what she tried to do to Tony.
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436. I have no fantasies about my mother.
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437. You know he's selling the house?
Ma's house.
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438. That's what I'm talking about. Don't
get involved, let Tony handle it.
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439. I called you 'cause I thought you'd
want to know if your mother was ill.
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440. 180 grand he's asking for that place.
Like he needs that.
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441. I'm glad someone's taking charge.
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442. You'll get your cut.
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443. Ma's not dead yet and there's no will.
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444. What? I mean, Ma still has rights.
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445. Tony pays for her retirement home,
for the upkeep on her car...
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446. Take it easy. According to you,
that could've been Robert Mitchum.
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447. Jesus Christ. Fucking Paulie
Gualtieri. Isn't he dead yet?
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448. You're not gonna stay for dessert?
It's grappa cake my mother made.
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449. My friends are having
a gallery opening...
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450. and I'm trying to get them
to finance my video.
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451. I'll leave some cake out for you.
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452. Hey, I'm sorry.
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453. - Hey.
- What's up?
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454. What the fuck?
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455. - I am sure there's an explanation.
- Oh, there is. There is.
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456. Take Ma back to Seattle. She came
for the house and a $400 car.
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457. That was the con.
That's the level she works at.
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458. - Maybe the sign was broken or fell.
- I'm still a little fat kid to her.
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459. She think she's gonna stop the
sale, picking up a sign?
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460. She were here, I'd bounce her
head against the wall!
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461. Look at yourself, Tony!
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462. What do you care about that house?
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463. It's not gonna stop with the house.
The $300 pillow...
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464. - ... then the video equipment.
- When are you getting back to therapy?
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465. Hey, don't start with that. Okay?
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466. I'm not insane and I'm not
overreacting. You don't know...
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467. - ... this little pucchiac...
- All right!
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468. This is getting you no place.
Go outside...
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469. join the party, be with friends,
have some pleasure. Go ahead.
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470. - Fucking bitch!
- Tony! Go ahead. Go have a beer.
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471. - What the fuck you doing?
- Second seating coming up.
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472. Fucking moron.
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473. Look at my wife over there.
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474. No, wait, Ton. The neighbor's dog
is on your property.
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475. You're a fucking moron.
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476. Anyway, we flew first class.
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477. What service?
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478. You get frequent flyer upgrades?
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479. Only time you took a trip was with the
Rockette who put LSD in your drink.
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480. - Where'd you get the tickets? Cuban?
- Yeah.
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481. There must be a way to divert
frequent flyer miles on a grand scale.
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482. You gotta break into the
main computer.
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483. - What is that, "cracking"?
- Hacking.
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484. Shelley Hack! Remember her?
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485. - Yeah, those were the days.
- Good actress.
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486. Let me tell you something, you can't
get good sausage and peppers no more.
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487. I used to go down to Mulberry St. when
I was a kid. Sausage and peppers.
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488. Now you go down there and there's
these guys with towels...
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489. - You didn't like it?
- Fuck off.
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490. So when do we get to roll with Tony?
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491. - What?
- Are you tripping?
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492. We gotta work our way up.
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493. Must be deep, hanging out with him.
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494. - Who?
- Mr. T.
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495. You cap motherfuckers together?
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496. Nah, too big. He doesn't get dirty.
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497. We don't mind, we'll do anything.
Wet work, pick up his shirts.
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498. Does Tony ever... talk about us?
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499. No.
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500. - You gonna drink or just sit there?
- Sit.
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501. - What the fuck's the matter with you?
- You leave my gas burner on.
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502. - I almost lit a cigarette and died!
- I apologized!
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503. Why you can't use a lighter to
cook your shit is beyond me.
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504. - When things were finally going good...
- Shut up!
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505. Why? They'll still kiss ass.
They don't care if you're a junkie.
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506. Sit down!
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507. - I hate you, fucking pig. Get off me!
- Fucking whore!
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508. - Fuck you.
- Go home! Get my dinner ready!
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509. Don't yell. Don't scream.
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510. All cutlery stays right where it is.
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511. How's the bagels here?
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512. You don't answer my calls,
I got no choice.
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513. Walking away is a choice. Ruining my
practice, it's a choice.
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514. You got your office back.
No harm done.
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515. One of my patients committed suicide
because I wasn't available to her.
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516. Know what that means to me?
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517. She can't eat bagels.
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518. She can't call in sick
because she's feeling blue.
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519. She's gone. She's in the ground
because of you.
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520. I don't deserve your help.
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521. - And I hate your system.
- Fuck you!
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522. But I got a family.
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523. Believe it or not, they're
better off with me than without.
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524. And I don't know what else to do.
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525. - I drove off the road.
- You look fine.
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526. The airbag.
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527. - You told me if I was driving and...
- That...
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528. was a different time for us.
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529. I don't blame you.
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530. - Maybe you can recommend somebody.
- I would never...
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531. ask another colleague
to get involved in this.
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532. How many more have to die
for your personal growth?
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533. Look at me.
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534. I swear to Jesus Christ,
nobody got killed 'cause of you.
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535. Get out of my life!
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536. Hey.
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537. What are you doing home?
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538. Nothing.
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539. I thought it was AJ,
home from school.
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540. Yeah.
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541. - You all right?
- Yeah.
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542. Want a little cold pasta?
I could microwave it.
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543. Looks good.
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544. - Want cheese, something to drink?
- Nah.
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545. Sit down.
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