1. The Simpsons
Copy !req
2. D'oh!
Copy !req
3. We now return to our 48-hour
Itchy & Scratchy diamond jubilee marathon-
Copy !req
4. celebrating 75 years
of rib-tickling brutality...
Copy !req
5. and hilarious atrocities.
Copy !req
6. The Itchy & Scratchy Show
Copy !req
7. Aw.
Copy !req
8. - If I ever stop loving violence, I want you to shoot me.
- Will do.
Copy !req
9. A stowaway bear
is terrorizing space shuttle astronauts.
Copy !req
10. But first a sneak peak
at tomorrow's Itchy and Scratchy parade.
Copy !req
11. Hello, everybody.
I'm here live on Main Street...
Copy !req
12. where dedicated fans are already staking out
the best seats for the big anniversary parade.
Copy !req
13. Bye, Mom. Bye, Dad.
Copy !req
14. Bye, kids. On your way back
pick up a six-pack ofbeer.
Copy !req
15. Bart, Lisa, it's 11:00 at night.
Where do you think you're going?
Copy !req
16. - Downtown.
- We gotta get seats for the Itchy and Scratchy parade.
Copy !req
17. I won't have my children sitting alone
on a cold, dangerous street all night.
Copy !req
18. - Homer, you go too.
- Oh! Why can't they just take the gun?
Copy !req
19. Hey, the comic book store's still open.
Copy !req
20. - Save our seats.
- Will do.
Copy !req
21. - Hello.
- Oh!
Copy !req
22. Hey, sister, just give me a chance
to get next to you.
Copy !req
23. Hey-y-y!
Copy !req
24. Hey, my threads, baby.
Copy !req
25. How come I've never seen
that Itchy & Scratchy before?
Copy !req
26. Perhaps because you are
a prepubescent ignoramus.
Copy !req
27. This is a bootleg copy
of Itchy & Scratchy Meet Fritz the Cat.
Copy !req
28. Because of its frank depiction
of sex and narcotic consumption...
Copy !req
29. it is not for infantile intellects
such as yours.
Copy !req
30. Now toodle-oo.
Copy !req
31. Cool.
I'll give you 10 bucks for that.
Copy !req
32. Are you the creator of Hi and Lois?
Because you are making me laugh.
Copy !req
33. That drawing is worth
exactly $750 American.
Copy !req
34. - It's valuable, huh?
- Ooh, your powers of deduction are exceptional.
Copy !req
35. I simply can't allow you
to waste them here...
Copy !req
36. when there are so many crimes
going unsolved at this very moment.
Copy !req
37. - Go! Go, for the good of the city.
- Loser.
Copy !req
38. Oh, nerts!
Copy !req
39. - Which one's Itchy- the car?
- The mouse.
Copy !req
40. Oh. I guess that's not him then.
Copy !req
41. Represented on this next float
is Roger Myers Sr...
Copy !req
42. who founded his company in 1921...
Copy !req
43. and struck it big when he teamed up a mouse
named Itchy with a cat named Scratchy.
Copy !req
44. Here we see him creating
the two comical characters...
Copy !req
45. out of thoughts
he plucks from his head.
Copy !req
46. And that man waving
from the front of the float...
Copy !req
47. is his son, Roger Myers Jr.
Copy !req
48. Oh, isn't this just the most fun
you've ever had in your life, Dave?
Copy !req
49. Yes, Suzanne. It is.
Copy !req
50. Whoa! Whoa!
Copy !req
51. Oh, forget this.
I'm outta here.
Copy !req
52. Yea, Bart.! Yea.!
Copy !req
53. And now the parade has entered Bumtown.!
Copy !req
54. Oh, it's all just so exciting, Dave.!
Copy !req
55. - Certainly seems to be
a poorly planned parade route.
Copy !req
56. Uh-oh.
Copy !req
57. Hey, wait up!
Copy !req
58. Get outta Bumtown,
ya no-talent bum!
Copy !req
59. Show some respect, man.
That "no-talent" created Itchy and Scratchy.
Copy !req
60. He didn't create Itchy. I did.
Copy !req
61. - Huh?
- He stole the character from me in 1928.
Copy !req
62. When I complained, his thugs kicked me out
of his office and dropped an anvil on me.
Copy !req
63. Luckily I was carrying an umbrella
at the time.
Copy !req
64. You invented Itchy-
the Itchy & Scratchy Itchy?
Copy !req
65. Sure. In fact, I invented the whole concept
of cartoon violence.
Copy !req
66. Before I came along, all cartoon animals did
was play the ukulele. I changed all that.
Copy !req
67. Well, I'm not callin' you a liar, but-
Copy !req
68. but I can't think of a way
to finish that sentence.
Copy !req
69. So I'm a liar, am I?
Copy !req
70. "Itchy the Lucky Mouse
in Manhattan Madness. "
Copy !req
71. That's the first Itchy cartoon ever made.
And it was made by me, ChesterJ. Lampwick.
Copy !req
72. Find me a 90-year-old projector
and I'll prove it to you.
Copy !req
73. "Itchy runs afoul of an Irishman. "
Copy !req
74. Look out, Itchy.! He's Irish.!
Copy !req
75. Come on, Itchy. Kill him.! Kill that guy.!
Copy !req
76. "A chance for more mis"-
Copy !req
77. Look at that fat oaf.
Copy !req
78. Shh.! That's Teddy Roosevelt.
Copy !req
79. All right, Chester.! Woo.!
Copy !req
80. Way to go.!
Copy !req
81. I can't believe it. That was Itchy all right.
You did invent him.
Copy !req
82. When people see this, you'll be rich and famous.
Copy !req
83. D'oh.
Copy !req
84. That was a nice film I had once.
Last time I try to impress a four-year-old.
Copy !req
85. Well, see ya, kid.
Copy !req
86. You can't just go back to the gutter.
You created Itchy. You should be a millionaire.
Copy !req
87. Ah, Roger Myers wouldn't
give me a cent in the '20s.
Copy !req
88. Why would he give me anything now?
Copy !req
89. You asked Roger Myers Sr. for money.
Roger Myers Jr. 's in charge of the studio now.
Copy !req
90. He's a good man.
Every Christmas he goes down to the pound...
Copy !req
91. and rescues one cat and one mouse
and gives them to a hungry family.
Copy !req
92. Hmm, studio's closed until Tuesday.
Animators have A.A. on Monday.
Copy !req
93. Hmm. Well, you can stay
at my house until then.
Copy !req
94. My parents won't mind
because they won't even know about it.
Copy !req
95. All right.
The coast is clear.
Copy !req
96. - There's a box you can sleep in.
- Thanks.
Copy !req
97. - Just move that cot outta the way.
- Okay.
Copy !req
98. - Do you know what radon is?
- No.
Copy !req
99. Good night.
Copy !req
100. Spare change?
Copy !req
101. Mom, there's a weird smell
and a lot of cursing...
Copy !req
102. coming from the basement,
and Dad's upstairs.
Copy !req
103. Oh, it's just Bart and a mysterious stranger.
Copy !req
104. He's not a regular bum, Mom.
He's a genius bum.
Copy !req
105. He created Itchy,
and he's the father of cartoon violence.
Copy !req
106. He just needs to stay here till tomorrow.
Copy !req
107. We're goin' down to Itchy & Scratchy Studios
to pick up his check.
Copy !req
108. We're goin' down to Itchy & Scratchy Studios
to pick up his check.
Copy !req
109. Well, if it's just for one more night.
Copy !req
110. So, let's review:
Copy !req
111. You two screwballs have just strolled in here
fresh from the sewer...
Copy !req
112. and given me a bunch of bulldink
about creating Itchy-with no proof at all-
Copy !req
113. and you expect me to give you...
how much?
Copy !req
114. $800 billion.
Copy !req
115. Well, that brought back
a lot of memories.
Copy !req
116. All right, gentlemen,
I'll take your case.
Copy !req
117. But I'm going to have to ask for
a thousand-dollar retainer.
Copy !req
118. A thousand dollars?
But your ad says, "No money down. "
Copy !req
119. Oh, they got this all screwed up.
Copy !req
120. So you don't work
on a contingency basis?
Copy !req
121. No, money down!
Oops.
Copy !req
122. I shouldn't have
this Bar Association logo here either.
Copy !req
123. - Hey, Dad, can I have a thousand dollars?
- All right. Wait. For what?
Copy !req
124. - To pay for a lawyer for my bum.
- Forget it.
Copy !req
125. I thought I recognized you.
Copy !req
126. I gave you a plate of corn muffins
back in 1947 to paint my chicken coop.
Copy !req
127. - And you never did it!
- Those corn muffins were lousy.
Copy !req
128. - Paint my chicken coop!
- Make me!
Copy !req
129. - That does it. One of them has to go.
- Okay. Grandpa.
Copy !req
130. - No, the B-U-M.
- Oh.
Copy !req
131. Wait. There's an easy way to get rid of Chester...
Copy !req
132. without the guilt
of sending him back to the gutter.
Copy !req
133. And all it will cost you
is a thousand dollars.
Copy !req
134. Exhibit A:
Steamboat Itchy, dated 1928.
Copy !req
135. The very first Itchy and Scratchy cartoon.
And the credits clearly state...
Copy !req
136. "Written, directed and created
by Roger Myers.
Copy !req
137. "Music by Roger Myers
and George Gershwin.
Copy !req
138. "Produced by Roger Myers
and Joseph P. Kennedy.
Copy !req
139. Copyright 1928 by Roger Myers. "
Copy !req
140. You will also notice Mr. Myers's name
and copyright notice...
Copy !req
141. on the original drawings of the other members
of the Itchy and Scratchy family:
Copy !req
142. Brown-Nose Bear,
Disgruntled Goat...
Copy !req
143. Flatulent Fox,
Rich Uncle Skeleton...
Copy !req
144. and Dinner Dog.
Copy !req
145. My client's film predates
all of those things, Your Honor.
Copy !req
146. Oh, yes! I've forgotten...
Copy !req
147. your famous film-
Copy !req
148. the one you destroyed before the trial
and haven't been able to find another copy of.
Copy !req
149. Oh, yes. That film.
Copy !req
150. Yes.
You don't have a copy, do you?
Copy !req
151. Krusty, have you ever seen
this so-called animation genius before?
Copy !req
152. - Yes, I have.
- You have?
Copy !req
153. I gave him a couple of blintzes
to paint my fence...
Copy !req
154. - but he never did it!
- Those blintzes were terrible.
Copy !req
155. - Paint my fence!
- Make me.
Copy !req
156. You give me back those blintzes then!
Copy !req
157. Order! Order!
We don't care about your blintzes.
Copy !req
158. Now, Mr. Lampwick,
when Roger Myers stole your character-
Copy !req
159. - Objection.
- Sustained.
Copy !req
160. If I hear "objection" and "sustained"...
Copy !req
161. one more time today,
I think I'm going to scream.
Copy !req
162. - Objection.
- Sustained.
Copy !req
163. Roger Myers didn't create any of his characters.
Copy !req
164. - He stole them all.
- Stole them all? That could turn this whole case around.
Copy !req
165. The only characters Myers could ever
come up with were pathetic stick figures...
Copy !req
166. with the words "Sarcastic Horse"
and "Manic Mailman" printed on 'em.
Copy !req
167. And they stank! So he started stealing
other people's characters.
Copy !req
168. - That's a lie!
- Are you saying- under oath, Mr. Myers-
Copy !req
169. that your father didn't steal any of the characters
associated with your studio?
Copy !req
170. Well, I don't think I am under oath,
but yes, my father created them all.
Copy !req
171. Except for Flatulent Fox.
That was based on a true story.
Copy !req
172. But he did create Itchy.
That's one thing I am sure of.
Copy !req
173. Mr. Hutz, we've been in here for four hours.
Do you have any evidence at all?
Copy !req
174. Well, Your Honor,
we've got plenty of hearsay and conjecture.
Copy !req
175. Those are... kinds of evidence.
Copy !req
176. Your Honor,
I move for dismissal.
Copy !req
177. I've got it!
Dad, give me $750.
Copy !req
178. Okay.
Copy !req
179. Keep the trial going.
I'll be right back.
Copy !req
180. Your Honor, I'd like to call
all of my surprise witnesses again.
Copy !req
181. Oh, there they are.
Copy !req
182. Oh, they were my favorites.
Copy !req
183. Thank you.
Copy !req
184. I knew I had seen this exact scene
somewhere else.
Copy !req
185. It was in the movie
Mr. Lampwick showed me.
Copy !req
186. Ladies and gentlemen,
this drawing was made in 1919-
Copy !req
187. nine years before Roger Myers
made his first Itchy and Scratchy cartoon.
Copy !req
188. That could have been drawn by anyone at anytime,
Your Honor. There's no signature or date.
Copy !req
189. Look under the frame, Brad.
Copy !req
190. Careful. Careful. Whoops.
Copy !req
191. It's there!
Copy !req
192. Hmm.
"To Roger Myers. Keep drawing.
Copy !req
193. "Your moxie more than makes up
for your lack of talent.
Copy !req
194. Your pal, ChesterJ. Lampwick.
September 3, 1919."
Copy !req
195. Okay.
Maybe my dad did steal Itchy.
Copy !req
196. But so what?
Animation is built on plagiarism.
Copy !req
197. If it weren't for someone plagiarizing
The Honeymooners...
Copy !req
198. we wouldn't have The Flintstones.
Copy !req
199. If someone hadn't ripped off Sergeant Bilko,
there'd be no Top Cat.
Copy !req
200. Huckleberry Hound? Chief Wiggum?
Yogi Bear? Ha!
Copy !req
201. Andy Griffith. Edward G. Robinson.
Art Carney.
Copy !req
202. Your Honor, you take away
our right to steal ideas...
Copy !req
203. where are they gonna come from- her?
Copy !req
204. Uh- hmm-
Copy !req
205. How 'bout... Ghost Mutt?
Copy !req
206. The court rules in favor of Mr. Lampwick.
Copy !req
207. Itchy & Scratchy Studios
will pay a restitution of $800 billion.
Copy !req
208. Though that amount will probably
come down a bit on appeal.
Copy !req
209. I hope you're happy, kid.
The studio's bankrupt.
Copy !req
210. You just killed Itchy and Scratchy.
Copy !req
211. We killed Itchy and Scratchy?
Copy !req
212. Good riddance.
Wanna go celebrate?
Copy !req
213. I feel like liver and onions.
Copy !req
214. Mmm.
Copy !req
215. What are you gonna do with all your money,
Mr. Lampwick?
Copy !req
216. Well, first off, here's your thousand dollars
back for hiring that lawyer...
Copy !req
217. and $750 for the drawing...
Copy !req
218. and here's a couple of bucks
for your trouble.
Copy !req
219. Whoo-hoo!
Look, Marge. A couple of bucks!
Copy !req
220. As for the rest of it, I'm gonna buy
the one thing I've been dreaming of...
Copy !req
221. all the years I spent in the gutter:
Copy !req
222. a solid gold house.
Copy !req
223. Well, Itchy and Scratchy are gone, but here's
a cartoon that tries to make learning fun!
Copy !req
224. Heh-heh-ho-ho-
Copy !req
225. Sorry about this, kids.
But stay tuned.
Copy !req
226. We got some real good toy commercials
comin' right up. I swear.
Copy !req
227. - Hey, who left all this garbage
on the steps of Congress?
Copy !req
228. I'm not garbage.
Copy !req
229. I'm an amendment to be
Yes, an amendment to be
Copy !req
230. And I'm hopin' that they'll ratify me
Copy !req
231. There's a lot offlag burners
Copy !req
232. Who have got too much freedom
Copy !req
233. I wanna make it legal
for policemen to beat 'em
Copy !req
234. 'Cause there's limits to our liberties
Copy !req
235. Least I hope and pray that there are
Copy !req
236. 'Cause those liberal freaks go too far
Copy !req
237. But why can't we just make a law
against flag burning?
Copy !req
238. Because that law would be unconstitutional.
Copy !req
239. But if we change the Constitution-
Copy !req
240. Then we could make all sorts of crazy laws.!
Copy !req
241. - Now you're catching on.
- What the hell is this?
Copy !req
242. It's one of those campy, '70s throwbacks
that appeals to Generation X'ers.
Copy !req
243. We need another Vietnam
to thin out their ranks a little.
Copy !req
244. What if people say you're not good enough
to be in the Constitution?
Copy !req
245. Then I'll crush all opposition to me
Copy !req
246. And I'll make Ted Kennedy pay
Copy !req
247. If he fights back
I'll say that he's gay
Copy !req
248. Good news, Amendment.
They ratified ya.
Copy !req
249. You're in the U.S. Constitution.
Copy !req
250. Oh, yeah! Door's open, boys.
Copy !req
251. Whoob-whoob-whoob-whoob.
Copy !req
252. So it's true. Some cartoons
do encourage violence.
Copy !req
253. - Ow! We gotta get Itchy and Scratchy back.
- And soon!
Copy !req
254. Ow!
Copy !req
255. You've got to make more
Itchy and Scratchy cartoons.
Copy !req
256. The judge says it's okay
as long as you pay Mr. Lampwick royalties.
Copy !req
257. Royalties? Ha!
Copy !req
258. I don't have the money to produce the cartoons.
I lost everything.
Copy !req
259. I can't even keep my dad's head
in the freakin' cryogenic center anymore.
Copy !req
260. Ya comfortable in there, Daddy?
Copy !req
261. Look, if money's the only problem,
I know a guy who has lots of it.
Copy !req
262. Shoe shine, sir?
Comb your hair for ya? Sir?
Copy !req
263. - Humph.
- Sir? Sir? Sir?
Copy !req
264. Okay.
Catch you on the way back.
Copy !req
265. - Oh, hi, kids.
- Hi, Chester.
Copy !req
266. Listen. Would you pay to make
more Itchy and Scratchy cartoons?
Copy !req
267. - You'll get more royalties.
- I don't need any more money.
Copy !req
268. I'm not greedy. As long as I've got
my health and my millions of dollars...
Copy !req
269. and my gold house
and my rocket car...
Copy !req
270. - I don't need anything else.
- Yes, but-
Copy !req
271. Not interested.
Copy !req
272. Dad, can we have
$183,000?
Copy !req
273. - What for?
- Lisa and I want to finance a series of animated cartoons.
Copy !req
274. Oh. Uh- Forget it!
Copy !req
275. Oh, no. I give up.
Copy !req
276. - There's nothin' we can do.
- Yeah. I agree.
Copy !req
277. - You wanna start on tryin' to get Apu out of jail?
- Okay.
Copy !req
278. Wait, kids. You can't give up on Itchy and Scratchy.
You're always so good at these things.
Copy !req
279. Why, together you've reunited
Krusty with his father...
Copy !req
280. gotten Principal Skinner his job back...
Copy !req
281. and helped Dr. Riviera perform
open heart surgery on your father.
Copy !req
282. You've even foiled Sideshow Bob on five
separate occasions, and he's an evil genius.
Copy !req
283. You're right, Mom. I'm sure if we put
our minds to it we can solve this one too.
Copy !req
284. Bart, look at this!
Copy !req
285. What a perfect plan.
Copy !req
286. Now Roger Myers's hotel is just-
Copy !req
287. And, so, when no one could
think of a plan to resurrect Itchy and Scratchy...
Copy !req
288. a young boy-
a wonderful, irrepressible young boy-
Copy !req
289. took it on his own
to solve the problem.
Copy !req
290. He discovered
that the Postal Service's Mr. Zip...
Copy !req
291. was just a rip-off of my father's
stick figure character Manic Mailman.
Copy !req
292. - So the government gave me
a huge cash settlement...
Copy !req
293. and Itchy & Scratchy Studios
is back in business.
Copy !req
294. Thanks to you, Lester.
Copy !req
295. - What the hell is going on?
- I don't know.
Copy !req
296. But it looks like you might have
a little competition all of a sudden.
Copy !req
297. Thanks, everybody.
But I couldn't have done all this...
Copy !req
298. without the help
of my brainy sister, Eliza.
Copy !req
299. I, too, owe many thanks
to Lester and Eliza.
Copy !req
300. This is a great vindication for anybody
who was ever taking a bath...
Copy !req
301. went to get the paper, fell down and had the door
slam behind them and the doorknob break off.
Copy !req
302. And I'd like to thank Lester
for reuniting me with my estranged wife.
Copy !req
303. - I never even heard about that.
- I don't understand it.
Copy !req
304. We're always the ones
who solve these problems.
Copy !req
305. I guess you don't need it now,
but... we had a plan too.
Copy !req
306. Hey, great. Listen. Write it down and mail it
to last week, when I might have cared.
Copy !req
307. I've got cartoons to make, kids.
Copy !req
308. And Scratchy Show
Copy !req
309. Huh?
Copy !req
310. You kids must be so happy.
Copy !req
311. - Your cute little cartoon friends are back on the air.
- Yes.
Copy !req
312. Well, technically everything
worked out all right, but-
Copy !req
313. - But?
- Well, I wasn't the one who solved the problem...
Copy !req
314. and neither was Lisa.
Copy !req
315. There's something unsettling about that.
Copy !req
316. Shh!
Copy !req