The Simpsons 6x5

Directed by Mark Kirkland

Henry Corden as Fred Flintstone (voice) • Larry King as himself (voice) • Dr. Demento as himself (voice) • Kelsey Grammer as Sideshow Bob (voice) • Larry King as Larry King (voice) • Phil Hartman as Lionel Hutz / Troy McClure / Lyle Lanley / others (voice) • Barry Hansen as Dr. Demento (voice) • Phil Hartman as Lionel Hutz (voice)

Mayor Quimby pardons attempted murderer Sideshow Bob, who then runs against Quimby for mayor.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. KBBL talk radio.

2. And now Springfield's favorite conservative

3. and author of the well-selling book,

4. Only Turkeys Have Left Wings.

5. Ladies and gentlemen, Birch Barlow.

6. That Barlow's a right-wing crackpot.

7. He said Ted Kennedy lacked integrity.

8. Can you believe that?

9. Yeah, switch the station.

10. I consider myself politically correct,

11. and his views make me uncomfortable.

12. No, no, no, no, guys.

13. Now, I'm not very political.

14. I usually think people who vote

15. are a bit fruity,

16. but for some reason,

17. this Birch Barlow really speaks to me.

18. Good morning, fellow freedom likers.

19. Birch Barlow, the fourth branch of government... The 51st state.

20. You know, there are three things

21. we're never gonna get rid of here in Springfield.

22. One... The bats in the public library.

23. Two... Mrs. McFirley's compost heap.

24. And three... Our six-term mayor,

25. the illiterate, tax-cheating, wife-swapping, pot-smoking

26. spendocrat Diamond Joe Quimby.

27. Hey, I am no longer illiterate.

28. Now, why are we doomed to this Quimby quagmire, you ask,

29. reasonable listener?

30. Because this town is under the stranglehold

31. of a few tie-dyed tree huggers

32. who would rather play hacky sack than lock up the homeless.

33. This sounds awfully controversial.

34. Lisa, you know I don't like controversy in this house.

35. I don't like him either, Mom,

36. but I'm doing a report on local politics for my school project.

37. You think you're so big

38. 'cause your class always gets to do projects.

39. Well, um, I'm doing a school project on...

40. fireworks.

41. Bart, I wish you wouldn't lie like that.

42. Now as a special sendoff and a way to say

43. gong hei fatt choy

44. to our visiting Chinese principals,

45. Bart Simpson has promised us a fireworks display.

46. What a week.

47. He promised a big firework display.

48. Bad student.

49. Uh-uh. Bad principal.

50. So, my friends, let's just junk those dumbocrats

51. and their bleeding-heart smellfare program.

52. Dad, I had to listen to this jerk all morning.

53. Can we listen to something else?

54. When I'm driving the car,

55. I get to choose the radio station.

56. When you're driving,

57. we'll listen to your radio station.

58. Ooh! I can't take this anymore. Let's switch back.

59. Alright, my friends, let's go to the phones.

60. First up is Bob from South Springfield. Welcome to you, sir.

61. Hello, Birch. Long-time listener, first-time caller.

62. Kudos for bringing the public back to the Republican Party.

63. It's high time people realized we conservatives

64. aren't all Johnny Hatemongers and Charlie Bible Thumps,

65. or even, God forbid, George Bushes.

66. That sounds like Sideshow Bob!

67. Yes, ma'am, Sideshow Bob,

68. yakking it up on the old yak box.

69. Dad, I'll spare you the embarrassment

70. of admitting you don't know who Sideshow Bob is.

71. Sideshow Bob used to be

72. Krusty the Clown's sidekick,

73. but in 1990, he framed Krusty for armed robbery,

74. and Bart got him put in jail.

75. When he got out, he married Aunt Selma

76. and tried to murder her.

77. Side "show" Bob.

78. Bart, your mortal enemy is on the radio!

79. It's time for more deee-mentia with Dr. Demento.

80. And now the funny five...

81. I meant your other mortal enemy,

82. Sideshow Bob.

83. Sideshow Bob?

84. I'm only ten,

85. and I already got two mortal enemies.

86. And this proposed expressway

87. will bring increased commerce to all local merchants.

88. What's in it for us?

89. Yeah. Give us something we like,

90. or we'll ride you out of town on a rail.

91. What do you people like?

92. - Sleep. - Sexy dames, and plenty of them.

93. Matlock!

94. Well, I suppose I could name it the...

95. Matlock Expressway.

96. But it would be terribly myopic of me

97. to blame all my current woes

98. on one spiky-haired little simpleton.

99. Myopic or, to say the least, intransigent.

100. You mentioned some woes there.

101. Well, you see, Birch, I'm presently incarcerated...

102. Convicted of a crime I didn't even commit.

103. "Attempted murder."

104. Now, honestly, what is that?

105. Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry? Do they?

106. Really now, this is a personal call!

107. My-my-my friends, isn't this just typical?

108. Another intelligent conservative here

109. railroaded by our liberal justice system

110. just like...

111. Colonel Oliver North, Officer Stacy Koon,

112. and cartoon smokesperson Joe Camel.

113. Well, I've had it.

114. I am going to make it my mission to see

115. that our friend Bob is set free.

116. No!

117. Well, despite Bart's objections, the people of South Africa

118. can now vote in free democratic elections.

119. My friends, Bob is a political prisoner.

120. I want every loyal listener to do everything they can

121. to get him out of jail.

122. All right, you heard the man.

123. One grenade each.

124. Moe, I think he meant

125. through nonviolent, grassroots political action.

126. Jeez, really? You think so?

127. All right, give them back.

128. Come on, everybody, give 'em back.

129. Hey. Hey!

130. Who pulled the pin on this one?

131. Very well.

132. If that is the way the winds are blowing,

133. let no one say I don't also blow.

134. Free Bob!

135. By special order of the mayor of Springfield,

136. you are hereby granted a full and complete pardon.

137. Congratulations, Robert Underdunk Terwilliger.

138. Boat's on the other side.

139. Yes. Thank you.

140. Hail, brothers.

141. Coranon Silaria.

142. Ozoo Mahoke.

143. Mahoke. Mahoke.

144. Now then, gentlemen, the mayoral campaign is upon us,

145. and if we hope to defeat this Joe Quimby,

146. we need a candidate with name recognition and media savvy...

147. A true leader who will do exactly as he's told.

148. Monty, I'm way ahead of you.

149. If you'll just open that door,

150. you'll see the next mayor of Springfield.

151. Very nice.

152. - What'd it say? - No, no, no.

153. Bob. Bob, come in.

154. A fine Mahoke to you all.

155. Why, he's even better.

156. I agree.

157. I like the human touch.

158. Now, students,

159. I want you to be on your best behavior

160. for this carefully choreographed media event.

161. Now, this means there is to be no wising off, no face making,

162. and no grass eating.

163. This means you, Ralph.

164. Yes, sir.

165. Hello, children.

166. - Hello, Bart. - Eep.

167. Young friends,

168. my opponent, Joe Quimby,

169. is confused about your school system.

170. Do you know what he does? He flip-flops.

171. Hey, ya, hi, ya, ho, ho.

172. Sometimes he doesn't know whether he's coming or going.

173. He wants to sell your future short.

174. Bart, we can't let Bob steal the spotlight.

175. We're gonna have to stoop to the lowest common denominator.

176. I can do that.

177. Help!

178. I'm being attacked by, things.

179. Uncle Mayor was just saying that us kids

180. are the most important natural resource we have.

181. More important than coal?

182. Er, yes.

183. That was a big mistake, Bart.

184. No children

185. have ever meddled with the Republican Party

186. and lived to tell about it.

187. Stay out of Riverdale.

188. Quimby... If you were running for mayor, he'd vote for you.

189. Paid for by the Mayor Quimby for Mayor Mayoral Committee.

190. Hey, four-eyes, vote Quimby.

191. Hey, beard-o, vote Quimby.

192. This time he's the lesser of two evils.

193. Yeah. Yeah. I love Grimby.

194. Could I have some more bumper stickers, please, dude?

195. All right.

196. The mummy's ready for his mystical journey.

197. What's happening?

198. That Quimby fella promised to build us

199. a Matlock Expressway.

200. How you going to top that, smart guy?

201. Well, how's this?

202. I'll not only build the expressway,

203. I will spend the remainder of this afternoon

204. patiently listening to your interminable anecdotes.

205. Hot-diggity-damn!

206. Me first!

207. Not many people know

208. I owned the first radio in Springfield.

209. Weren't much on the air then,

210. just Edison reciting the alphabet

211. over and over.

212. "A," he'd say.

213. Then, "B."

214. "C" would usually follow...

215. Mayor Quimby supports

216. revolving-door prisons.

217. Mayor Quimby even released Sideshow Bob,

218. a man twice convicted of attempted murder.

219. Can you trust a man like Mayor Quimby?

220. The League of Uninformed Voters presents

221. the Springfield Mayoral Debates.

222. I'm your moderator, Larry King.

223. Now a word to our audience.

224. Even though we're being broadcast on Fox,

225. there's no need for obnoxious hooting and hollering.

226. I shouldn't have shaken hands with those old people.

227. I hope that flu doesn't affect his performance out there.

228. Don't worry. He's taken a million of these capsules.

229. Sideshow Bob, Councilman Les Whinen

230. says that you're not experienced enough to be mayor.

231. Sir, what do you have to say about that?

232. I'd say that Les Whinen ought to do more thinking

233. and less whinin'.

234. There's no Councilman Les Whinen.

235. Good line, though.

236. Mayor Quimby, you are well-known, sir,

237. for your lenient stance on crime,

238. but suppose for a second that your house was ransacked by thugs,

239. your family tied up in the basement with socks in their mouths.

240. You try to open the door,

241. but there's too much blood on the knob...

242. What is your question?

243. My question's about the budget, sir.

244. I don't agree with his "Bart-killing policy,"

245. but I do approve of his "Selma-killing policy."

246. Well, he framed me for armed robbery,

247. but, man, I'm aching for that upper-class tax cut.

248. Shh, shh. Quiet down.

249. And the results are in.

250. For Sideshow Bob, 100%.

251. For Joe Quimby, 1%.

252. And we remind you there is a one-percent margin of error.

253. All right. Let's go live to Bob headquarters now

254. for Mayor Terwilliger's victory speech.

255. And just look how happy he is.

256. It's the rapture! Quick!

257. Get Bart out of the house before God comes!

258. So sorry, Mr. Simpson.

259. Your house is blocking construction

260. of our new Matlock Expressway.

261. Now, I am a fair man.

262. You will have 72 hours to vacate.

263. At the time, we will blow up your house

264. and any remaining Simpsons.

265. Homer, we've got to stop them.

266. I know what you're up to, Mayor Terwigiger,

267. and no one in my family's gonna stand for it.

268. Move your gol'dern house, son!

269. Bart, by special request

270. to the mayor's office, you are going to be left back.

271. You mean I have to repeat the fourth grade?

272. Well, yes, but not for four or five years.

273. Bart, you're going to kindergarten.

274. Kindergarten?

275. Ha!

276. Now, boys and girls, who knows what this is?

277. - Triangle. - Very good, Bart.

278. You have first choice of toys for free play.

279. Cool. I call the Flintstone phone.

280. Yabba-dabba do.

281. I like talking to you.

282. We're going to lose our house

283. and end up living under a bridge

284. like common trolls.

285. I don't think Bob won that election legally.

286. I can't believe a convicted felon

287. would get so many votes

288. and another convicted felon would get so few.

289. Here you go.

290. The results of last month's mayoral election.

291. All 48,000 voters and who each one they voted for.

292. I thought this was a secret ballot.

293. Meh.

294. Okay.

295. Aaron A. Aaronson voted for... Bob.

296. Aaron L. Aaronson voted for... Bob.

297. Arthur B. Ablabab voted for... Bob.

298. Hey.

299. So whoever it is who wrote that note

300. wants to meet us here tonight?

301. This is so cool, Bart.

302. We're just like Woodward and Bernstein.

303. Yeah, except their dad wasn't waiting in the car reading Archie comics.

304. Stuck-up Riverdale punks think they're too good for me.

305. You're on the right track.

306. Follow the names.

307. How the hell do you know?

308. I can't tell you who I am, but I worked on the campaign.

309. Hey, Mr. Smithers!

310. Well, you might as well give me a ride home now.

311. I've never gone behind Mr. Burns' back before,

312. but Sideshow Bob's ultra-conservative views

313. conflict with my choice of lifestyle.

314. All I can do is give you one name... Edgar Neubauer.

315. Find him, and you'll find your answer.

316. No Edgar Neubauer.

317. This is hopeless. They're going to demolish

318. our house for sure.

319. We're gonna have to move into a Motel 6.

320. But Dad can't afford six dollars a night.

321. Hey... Lise!

322. Lise, come here.

323. I found him.

324. I found Edgar Neubauer.

325. My God... The dead have risen,

326. and they're voting Republican.

327. No, Bart, don't you see?

328. Dead people can't vote.

329. Look. Prudence Goodwyfe, died 1641.

330. She voted for Bob, too.

331. So did Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens, and The Big Bopper.

332. Even the pet cemetery voted for Bob.

333. Look! Mr. and Mrs. Bananas,

334. Humphrey Boa-gart.

335. My poor dead kitty.

336. Please, not you, too.

337. All right, Bob.

338. Now it's personal.

339. Hey. Um... he did try to kill me.

340. Whoa!

341. Mr. Mayor, is it true you rigged the election?

342. No, I did not.

343. Kids, help.

344. I don't mind.

345. We want these children to feel justice has been served.

346. That way they can sleep soundly tonight

347. on their hard, feculent, motel pillows.

348. Well, Bart, Lisa, here I am.

349. I have a plan. I think we can trap him.

350. You know, Sideshow Bob, I believe you

351. when you say you're innocent.

352. Indeed, I am.

353. Because we all know

354. you're a naive pawn... Puppet, if you will...

355. Of the most diabolical political genius

356. Springfield has ever known.

357. Birchibald T. Barlow.

358. You don't have the intelligence

359. to rig an election by yourself, do you?

360. You were just Barlow's lackey.

361. You were Ronnie to his Nancy.

362. Sonny to his Cher.

363. Ringo to his rest of the Beatles.

364. Enough! Lies! Lies! Lies!

365. I did it!

366. I did it all!

367. There.

368. Is that what you want,

369. you smarmy little bastards?

370. We want the truth.

371. You want the truth?

372. You can't handle the truth.

373. No truth-handler, you.

374. Bah! I deride your truth-handling abilities.

375. Will you get to the point?

376. Yes. Only I could have executed

377. such a masterpiece of electoral fraud

378. and I have the records to prove it.

379. Here, just look at these.

380. Each one a work of Machiavellian art.

381. - But why? - Because you need me, Springfield.

382. Your guilty conscience may force you to vote democratic,

383. but deep down inside, you secretly long for a cold-hearted republican

384. to lower taxes, brutalize criminals

385. and rule you like a king.

386. That's why I did this...

387. To protect you from yourselves.

388. Now if you don't mind, I have a city to run.

389. Bailiffs, place the mayor under arrest.

390. What? Yes. All that stuff I did.

391. Bart, we did it.

392. Now we get to keep our house

393. and you get to go back to the fourth grade.

394. Tomorrow we were gonna find out

395. who the dish ran away with.

396. The spoon, Bart.

397. Of course.

398. Someday, I'll have my vengeance.

399. Someday, when I find my way out

400. of this savage, roach-ridden cesspool...

401. Say, Terwilliger's a Yalie.

402. Bob! Come along!

403. We need a ninth to row against the Princeton alums.

404. Princeton?

405. Stroke, stroke...

406. Shh!

407. CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.