1. D'Copy !req
2. We now return to the 1971 filmCopy !req
3. "Goodtime Slim, Uncle DoobieCopy !req
4. and the Great Frisco Freak-out,"Copy !req
5. starring Troy McClure.Copy !req
6. Slim, if we've got the bag
with the stolen diamonds,Copy !req
7. then what happened to
the bag with our stash?Copy !req
8. There's more than
one way to get high, baby.Copy !req
9. Whoa!Copy !req
10. Ooh.Copy !req
11. Please, Marge.Copy !req
12. How often can I see
a movie of this caliberCopy !req
13. on late-night TV?Copy !req
14. Is there something wrong, Homie?Copy !req
15. No. It's just that I've only
seen this movie twice beforeCopy !req
16. and I've seen you every night
for the last 11 ye...Copy !req
17. What I meant to say is...Copy !req
18. we'll snuggle tomorrow,
sweetie, I promise.Copy !req
19. Enchiladas!Copy !req
20. Mom! Dad!Copy !req
21. Don't turn on the light!
Don't turn on the light!Copy !req
22. There's a U.F.O.
outside my window.Copy !req
23. Seriously.Copy !req
24. Bart.Copy !req
25. It's just an old golf
umbrella stuck in a tree.Copy !req
26. C-Can I sleep in there
with you guys tonight?Copy !req
27. No.Copy !req
28. Can I sit on the roof
with a baseball batCopy !req
29. - in case the U.F.O. does come?
- Yes, yes, yes. That's fine.Copy !req
30. Good, good.Copy !req
31. I hope you kept
the Homie fires burning.Copy !req
32. Homer!Copy !req
33. - Homer, wake up. Wake up.
- What?Copy !req
34. We need to talk about
the marital difficultiesCopy !req
35. we've been having lately.Copy !req
36. Marge, there's just
too much pressureCopy !req
37. what with my job,
the kids, traffic snarls,Copy !req
38. political strife
at home and abroad.Copy !req
39. But I promise you, the second
all those things go away,Copy !req
40. we'll have sex.Copy !req
41. I simply can't wait that long.Copy !req
42. Maybe we should get some help.Copy !req
43. How about a book?Copy !req
44. - Ooh, okay.
- A tasteful book.Copy !req
45. All right.Copy !req
46. Hey, Marge, this guy
looks like Apu.Copy !req
47. Shh. I don't want
people to see usCopy !req
48. looking at these books.Copy !req
49. Hi, guys.
What you looking at?Copy !req
50. I'm just reading up
on artillery.Copy !req
51. Yes, and I'm pursuing
my interest in...Copy !req
52. This one's a good choice,
and it's not too smutty.Copy !req
53. It's a book on tape
by Paul Harvey.Copy !req
54. You know that nice midwestern
man on the radioCopy !req
55. who's like
a pleasant version of Grampa?Copy !req
56. Ooh. "Mr. And
Mrs. Erotic American."Copy !req
57. Mom, Dad.Copy !req
58. Look! This biography
of Peter UeberrothCopy !req
59. is only 99 cents.Copy !req
60. And I found
the new Al Gore book.Copy !req
61. "Sane Planning,
Sensible Tomorrow."Copy !req
62. Yeah, I hope it's as exciting
as his other bookCopy !req
63. "Rational Thinking,
Reasonable Future."Copy !req
64. I'm getting
this book on U.F.O.'s.Copy !req
65. Did you know they're real?Copy !req
66. But there's a huge
government conspiracyCopy !req
67. to cover it up.Copy !req
68. That's just a paranoid fantasy.Copy !req
69. Mr. Vice PresidentCopy !req
70. someone finally bought
a copy of your book, sir.Copy !req
71. Well, this calls
for a celebration.Copy !req
72. I will.Copy !req
73. Hello, Americans. Paul Harvey here.Copy !req
74. Did you know every good AmericanCopy !req
75. is at heart an erotic American?Copy !req
76. It's true.Copy !req
77. A famous couple...Copy !req
78. I don't need to tell youCopy !req
79. it was Dwight and Mamie
Eisenhower...Copy !req
80. Offered this advice:Copy !req
81. "Double your pleasure
with a bath... together."Copy !req
82. Homie, I can't quite...Copy !req
83. The faucet's jammed
into my back.Copy !req
84. I'm stuck.Copy !req
85. So am I.Copy !req
86. Kids?Copy !req
87. Kids?Copy !req
88. A romantic vacationCopy !req
89. can provide titillation.Copy !req
90. Sensual, sanitary seclusion
awaits youCopy !req
91. at any of America's fine
AAA-approved motor lodges.Copy !req
92. The Arabian Nights Room
looks nice.Copy !req
93. The Pharaoh's ChamberCopy !req
94. has a vibrating sarcophagus.Copy !req
95. Sorry there, Fred and Ethel.Copy !req
96. You should have made
a reservation.Copy !req
97. We only got one room left.Copy !req
98. The toilet is overflowing
in the Caveman Room.Copy !req
99. Here we are.Copy !req
100. The "utility room."Copy !req
101. This isn't very erotic.Copy !req
102. I think it's an
actual utility room.Copy !req
103. No, honey,
it's a romantic fantasy.Copy !req
104. I imagine I'm the janitor,
and you're...Copy !req
105. the janitor's wifeCopy !req
106. who has to live with me
in the utility room.Copy !req
107. Don't mind me, folks.Copy !req
108. Just need to get
the ol' wet-dry vac.Copy !req
109. By now your new, improved love lifeCopy !req
110. should have you flinging woo
like nobody's business.Copy !req
111. So, to you,
Mr. And Mrs. Erotic AmericanCopy !req
112. I bid... good day.Copy !req
113. Welcome home, son.Copy !req
114. I broke two lamps
and lost all your mail.Copy !req
115. What's wrong with your wife?Copy !req
116. Never mind.
You wouldn't understand.Copy !req
117. - Flu?
- No.Copy !req
118. - Protein deficiency?
- No.Copy !req
119. Pneumonoultramicroscopic
silicovolcanoconiosis?Copy !req
120. No.Copy !req
121. Unsatisfying sex life?Copy !req
122. Yes, but please,
don't you say that word.Copy !req
123. What? Sex!Copy !req
124. What's so unappealingCopy !req
125. about hearing your elderly
father talk about sex?Copy !req
126. I had sex.Copy !req
127. You're home safe.
Done my duty.Copy !req
128. See you the next time
we need your signature.Copy !req
129. Aw, you never want
to spend any time with me.Copy !req
130. But I can help you
with your loving problem.Copy !req
131. I got a home remedyCopy !req
132. that'll put the dowsers
back in your trousers.Copy !req
133. Legend has itCopy !req
134. my great Grampappy
stumbled upon this recipeCopy !req
135. when he was trying to invent
a cheap substituteCopy !req
136. for holy water.Copy !req
137. Here you g...Copy !req
138. Hey!Copy !req
139. Here you go, you ingrate.Copy !req
140. Think of me when you're having
the best sex of your life.Copy !req
141. Drink it.Copy !req
142. Kids, here's $50.
Why not go to the moviesCopy !req
143. then take a cab
to your aunt's house.Copy !req
144. Stay there. Phone call you later.
Now now now.Copy !req
145. Whoa! Homie, what's...Copy !req
146. Marge, I'll explain
to you afterwards.Copy !req
147. What do you think
Mom and Dad are doing right now?Copy !req
148. I don't know.Copy !req
149. Here he is.Copy !req
150. Rex Harrison and Paul AnkaCopy !req
151. rolled into one.Copy !req
152. Ooh...Copy !req
153. That tonic really works.Copy !req
154. You and Grampa should bottle itCopy !req
155. and go into business together.Copy !req
156. You want me to spend
more time with Dad?Copy !req
157. What about my
new year's resolution?Copy !req
158. You can make a lot of money.Copy !req
159. Yeah! Where are my pants?Copy !req
160. You threw them out the windowCopy !req
161. in a fit of passion.Copy !req
162. You said you were never going
to need them again.Copy !req
163. Hurry, Neddie, they're awful.Copy !req
164. You just be ready
with that garbage bag.Copy !req
165. Ooh, mama!Copy !req
166. This is finally
really happening.Copy !req
167. After years of disappointmentCopy !req
168. with "get rich quick" schemes,Copy !req
169. I know I'm gonna get rich
with this scheme... and quick.Copy !req
170. Sir. Hello, sir.Copy !req
171. Yes. You look like a man
who needs helpCopy !req
172. satisfying his wife, so...Copy !req
173. I guess people have some sortCopy !req
174. of moral objection
to our sex drug.Copy !req
175. Let me sell it, you idiot!Copy !req
176. Step right up, folksCopy !req
177. and witness the magnificent
medicinal miracleCopy !req
178. of Simpson and Son's
patented Revitalizing Tonic!Copy !req
179. Put some ardor in your
larder with our energizingCopy !req
180. moisturizing, tantalizing,Copy !req
181. romanticizing,
surprising her-prizing,Copy !req
182. revitalizing tonic.Copy !req
183. I doubt very highlyCopy !req
184. that one elixir could boast
so many fantastic properties.Copy !req
185. What say we am-scray out of hereCopy !req
186. and have a wild wing-ding
at the cyclotron, doctor?Copy !req
187. Anything you say,
professor. Whoa!Copy !req
188. Tonight we'll push
the twin beds together.Copy !req
189. And I found something
for MilhouseCopy !req
190. down at the mall too.Copy !req
191. A pup tent.Copy !req
192. Boy.Copy !req
193. Now I can sleep out in the yard.Copy !req
194. Yeah! Every single night.Copy !req
195. I've discovered that
the rejuvenating effectCopy !req
196. people feel is actually
a mild form of poisoning...Copy !req
197. No doubt a result of
the unsanitary conditionsCopy !req
198. in Grampa Simpson's bathtub.Copy !req
199. Nonetheless...Copy !req
200. What's going on?Copy !req
201. Where are all the grown-ups?Copy !req
202. Who cares?Copy !req
203. With no adults around,
I run this city.Copy !req
204. Carry on.Copy !req
205. Listen to this.Copy !req
206. "Unexplainable behavior...Copy !req
207. "individuals acting
in a secretive fashionCopy !req
208. "are often involved
with U.F.O.'sCopy !req
209. "or other paranormal phenomena,Copy !req
210. e.g., telephone explosions."Copy !req
211. Jeez, if it's in a book,
it's got to be true.Copy !req
212. Scary, no?Copy !req
213. And this guy'sCopy !req
214. head of the Spaceology
DepartmentCopy !req
215. at the Correspondence
College of Tampa!Copy !req
216. Will you cook my dinner for me?Copy !req
217. My parents aren't aroundCopy !req
218. and I'm not allowed
to turn on the stove.Copy !req
219. Hurry up!Copy !req
220. We got a lot of tonic to sell
and a lot of towns to visit.Copy !req
221. Frigid Falls, Mount Seldom,
Lake Flaccid...Copy !req
222. Great. I'm gonna be stuck
in a car all weekendCopy !req
223. with that wheezy windbag.Copy !req
224. And that's what's wrong
with Bart's generation.Copy !req
225. Now, as for your generation...Copy !req
226. And for the minimal outlay
of one dollarCopy !req
227. you can take home a bottle
of liquid lothario.Copy !req
228. Distilled Don Juan.Copy !req
229. Catalytically carbonated
Casanova.Copy !req
230. Lock old Rover in the shed
'cause man has a new best friendCopy !req
231. in Simpson and Son's
Revitalizing Tonic.Copy !req
232. I'm not convinced!Copy !req
233. I've had bad luck
with aphrodisiacs.Copy !req
234. All questions will be answered.Copy !req
235. All fears will be allayedCopy !req
236. with one incontrovertible
demonstration.Copy !req
237. May I have a volunteer
from the audience?Copy !req
238. Yes... you sir!Copy !req
239. Now, sir, you've never
seen me beforeCopy !req
240. is that correct?Copy !req
241. That is correct.Copy !req
242. Well, than, how come his face
is on the bottle?Copy !req
243. Um...Copy !req
244. You're the worst
shill I've ever seen.Copy !req
245. You're a disgrace to the
medicine show business.Copy !req
246. They didn't start chasing usCopy !req
247. until you turned on
that getaway music.Copy !req
248. Okay, it's now painfully clear.Copy !req
249. The adults are definitely
paving the wayCopy !req
250. for an invasion
by the saucer people.Copy !req
251. You fool! Can't you seeCopy !req
252. it's a massive
government conspiracy?Copy !req
253. Or have they gotten to you too?Copy !req
254. Hey, hey, hey!
Stop it! Stop it!Copy !req
255. Why are you guys jumping
to such ridiculous conclusions?Copy !req
256. Haven't you ever heard of
"Ockham's razor"?Copy !req
257. "The simplest explanation
is probably the correct one."Copy !req
258. So what's the
simplest explanation?Copy !req
259. I don't know.Copy !req
260. Maybe they're
all reverse vampiresCopy !req
261. and they have
to get home before dark.Copy !req
262. Reverse vampires!Copy !req
263. Hey, wait a minute.Copy !req
264. That's Amos Pierson's
moose farm.Copy !req
265. Make a right here.Copy !req
266. Ew... Why are we stopping
at this dump?Copy !req
267. That's the house
you grew up in, son.Copy !req
268. Wow!Copy !req
269. Let's go find that
hot dog tree I planted.Copy !req
270. Yeah, we lived hereCopy !req
271. till the bank foreclosed in '63.Copy !req
272. Farm went bust after the cowsCopy !req
273. started giving sour milk.Copy !req
274. Something must have
spooked them good.Copy !req
275. Nyah, stupid cows!Copy !req
276. Na-na-na-na-na.Copy !req
277. Boo! Boo!Copy !req
278. Memories.Copy !req
279. If this old place
could talk, it'd say...Copy !req
280. There she is,Copy !req
281. the old Radiation King.Copy !req
282. You'd park yourself right thereCopy !req
283. and watch for hours on end.Copy !req
284. If I, may, Helen,
I'd like to respond to that questionCopy !req
285. with yet another flip remark.Copy !req
286. Wow.Copy !req
287. Look at me, er, Mom.Copy !req
288. I am, er, President Kennedy.Copy !req
289. Abe.
Maybe our HomerCopy !req
290. could grow up to be
President someday.Copy !req
291. You, President?Copy !req
292. This is the greatest country
in the world.Copy !req
293. We've got a whole system
set up to keep people like youCopy !req
294. from ever becoming President.Copy !req
295. Quit your daydreaming,
melonhead!Copy !req
296. Quit your daydreaming,
melonhead!Copy !req
297. Dad...Copy !req
298. How come you never
gave me any encouragement?Copy !req
299. Maybe I could have been
something more than I am.Copy !req
300. Like a travel agent
to a great scientistCopy !req
301. or the inventorCopy !req
302. of a hilarious
refrigerator alarm.Copy !req
303. Who are you to complain?Copy !req
304. You lock me up in a homeCopy !req
305. and give me the same damnCopy !req
306. shower safety seat
every Christmas.Copy !req
307. Your whole life you never saidCopy !req
308. one nice thing to me.Copy !req
309. That's 'cause you're a screw-up.Copy !req
310. You're the screw-up!Copy !req
311. Why, you little...Copy !req
312. All right.Copy !req
313. All right. That's it.Copy !req
314. We're going home.Copy !req
315. I'm sick of you
and your stupid tonic.Copy !req
316. If I hadn't taken that
stupid tonic 38 years agoCopy !req
317. you'd have never been born
and I'd have been happy.Copy !req
318. You were an accident!Copy !req
319. Get out.Copy !req
320. I'm sorry I said that.Copy !req
321. Out.Copy !req
322. I'm going to get out of the carCopy !req
323. and I hope you'll find it
in your heartCopy !req
324. not to drive awa...Copy !req
325. Well, I'll be all rightCopy !req
326. as long as I can remember
my Army training.Copy !req
327. Dang!Copy !req
328. I'm sorry.Copy !req
329. Hi.Copy !req
330. Homie, are you really going
to ignore GrampaCopy !req
331. for the rest of your life?Copy !req
332. Of course not, Marge.Copy !req
333. Just for the rest of his life.Copy !req
334. He said I was an accident.Copy !req
335. He didn't want to have me.Copy !req
336. You didn't want to have Bart.Copy !req
337. I know, but you're never
supposed to tell the child.Copy !req
338. You tell Bart all the time.
You told him this morning.Copy !req
339. But when I do it, it's cute.Copy !req
340. So finally
we're all in agreementCopy !req
341. about what's going on
with the adults.Copy !req
342. Milhouse.Copy !req
343. Okay. Here's what we've got.Copy !req
344. The Rand Corporation
in conjunction withCopy !req
345. - the saucer people...
- Thank you.Copy !req
346. Under the supervision
of the reverse vampires...Copy !req
347. Are forcing our parents
to go to bed earlyCopy !req
348. in a fiendish plot to
eliminate the meal of dinner!Copy !req
349. We're through
the looking glass here, people.Copy !req
350. Kids, your daddy and his daddy
are involved in a very stickyCopy !req
351. nutty, chewy, chocolatey...
Put it away, boy...Copy !req
352. Situation,Copy !req
353. and your daddy has realized
something very important.Copy !req
354. A father should always
make his kids feel wanted.Copy !req
355. Starting right now, I promiseCopy !req
356. to spend a lot more time
with youCopy !req
357. and give you the attention
you deserve.Copy !req
358. I can't breathe.Copy !req
359. And just feast your ears on
this tantalizing testimonialCopy !req
360. from my own flesh and blood...Copy !req
361. The son who puts the fun
in Simpson and Son,Copy !req
362. my son, Barney!Copy !req
363. I used to be a fat,
disgusting slob.Copy !req
364. That medicine seems to be
giving your sonCopy !req
365. a lot of gas.Copy !req
366. I assure you his
belching is the resultCopy !req
367. of an unrelated alcohol problem.Copy !req
368. It just ain't the same
without Homer.Copy !req
369. He knew how to drive a car.Copy !req
370. Son, my dear son.Copy !req
371. From now on, I'm going to be
a good and attentive father.Copy !req
372. And for starters,Copy !req
373. your old man is gonnaCopy !req
374. to teach you how to rideCopy !req
375. your very first bike.Copy !req
376. Dad, number one,Copy !req
377. I know how to ride a bike.Copy !req
378. Number two, I already own a bikeCopy !req
379. and number three,
that is a girl's bike.Copy !req
380. You're no girl.Copy !req
381. You're a boy.Copy !req
382. A good boy.Copy !req
383. You can be President.Copy !req
384. Scratch that.
You will be President!Copy !req
385. Dad!Copy !req
386. I think LisaCopy !req
387. needs another push
on her new tire swing.Copy !req
388. No, Dad, I want to get down.Copy !req
389. This tire is filthyCopy !req
390. and the steel belts
are poking me.Copy !req
391. - Whee!
- No!Copy !req
392. No offense, HomerCopy !req
393. but your half-assed
underparentingCopy !req
394. was a lot more fun than your
half-assed overparenting.Copy !req
395. But I'm using my whole ass.Copy !req
396. Dad, it's just that
too much of your loveCopy !req
397. can really be...Copy !req
398. scary.Copy !req
399. Someday you'll thank me
for all this scary love.Copy !req
400. Now I've got to go somewhereCopy !req
401. and do some serious thinking.Copy !req
402. I'm sure he meant to say
serious drinking.Copy !req
403. That's what I assumed.Copy !req
404. Here's where it all
started to go wrong.Copy !req
405. How am I supposed
to be a good DadCopy !req
406. when I never had one myself?Copy !req
407. Dad wasn't even around
on Christmas morningCopy !req
408. when I actually got
to meet Santa Claus.Copy !req
409. Some father.Copy !req
410. Wait a minute.Copy !req
411. Dad?Copy !req
412. This photo is a blessing.Copy !req
413. It eases my pain.Copy !req
414. This tonic's caused me
nothing but trouble.Copy !req
415. You've done all the damage
you're gonna do.Copy !req
416. Nuts!Copy !req
417. - Dad!
- Son!Copy !req
418. I'm a screw-up.Copy !req
419. I burned down our house.Copy !req
420. No, I'm a screw-up.Copy !req
421. I burned down our house.Copy !req
422. - You know what?
- What?Copy !req
423. We're both screw-ups.Copy !req
424. It doesn't matter.Copy !req
425. What matters is you were rightCopy !req
426. when you told meCopy !req
427. I never said anything
nice about you.Copy !req
428. So... are you gonn say
something nice now?Copy !req
429. Well, I hadn't thought
that far ahead.Copy !req
430. Okay, here it goes.Copy !req
431. I'm not sorry I had you, son,Copy !req
432. and I was always proud...Copy !req
433. that you weren't a short man.Copy !req
434. Aw, Dad!Copy !req
435. What do you say
we roll on the grass, son?Copy !req
436. I'm with you, Dad.Copy !req
437. Shh!Copy !req
438. ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.Copy !req