The Simpsons 5x21

Phil Hartman as Troy McClure (voice)

Grandpa Simpson falls for Marge's mother, but loses out to a competitor; Bart gets ripped off shopping at home with Homer's credit card.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. D'

2. Aah!

3. Please, Krusty, this is very demeaning.

4. Shut up and conduct!

5. Maggie, can you point to the monkey?

6. What do babies know?

7. Maggie, can you point to the credenza?

8. - D' - Homer, you didn't do

9. a very good job frosting Maggie's birthday cake.

10. What? It's not "Magaggie's" birthday?

11. Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Stop it!

12. I made a special cake for you to ruin.

13. - It's over there. - Ooh.

14. Hello, everyone, except Homer.

15. Happy birthday, granddaughter.

16. Marge, I think that's your father-in-law across the street.

17. Happy birthday!

18. Everybody get ready.

19. Here comes the birthday girl

20. in her very first dress.

21. Aww!

22. She's a little angel.

23. Yeah. I wanna put a hook in her and hang her from our Christmas tree.

24. What smells?

25. Shouldn't we wait for the other babies before we open the presents?

26. We didn't invite the other babies.

27. Maggie doesn't seem to get along with the other babies.

28. Maggie, we have a surprise for you!

29. Ooh, put some Lister's Carbolic Unguent on a wad of cotton.

30. Put the cotton in her ear.

31. That'll stop them shakes.

32. No, no. What she needs is a Balsam Specific.

33. Balsam Specific!

34. Oof... While we're burning money,

35. why don't we give her a curative galvanic belt too?

36. Don't forget to give her Smeckler's powder.

37. Don't make fun.

38. I remember Lisa's third birthday.

39. She and Bart did this adorable little song and dance routine.

40. That was a real horn-honker!

41. Let's see it.

42. Now! Do it!

43. Do it!

44. Sing it like you mean it!

45. Doesn't this family know any songs

46. that aren't commercials?

47. It's been great spending time with my family again.

48. I guess the next time I see you won't be until Thanksgiving.

49. Or if not then, Christmas.

50. I suppose I'll be getting home too.

51. At least I got Matlock to keep me company.

52. D'He's on in five minutes!

53. He is? Step on it!

54. Hurry up! Hurry!

55. Each Matlock could be our last.

56. Homie, you know it's funny,

57. both my mother and your father seem pretty lonely.

58. That is funny.

59. Yeah. Anyway, maybe they could go to a matinee together,

60. or shopping, or to that room in the library

61. that's always full of old people...

62. Periodicals, that's it!

63. Marge, please, old people don't need companionship.

64. They need to be isolated and studied,

65. so it can be determined what nutrients they have

66. that might be extracted for our personal use.

67. Homer, would you please stop reading that Ross Perot pamphlet?

68. Say, I've got a neat idea.

69. Why don't you go in and pick up my mother,

70. and we'll go out to dinner?

71. I'll be back in a jiffy!

72. That's not my mother.

73. I'll be back in a jiffy!

74. Can I come too?

75. You know, Mom, you and Abe have a lot in common.

76. Um...

77. You both got swindled by that telemarketing scam.

78. It's not a swindle. What you do is, see,

79. you give them all your credit card numbers,

80. and if one of them is lucky, they'll send you a prize.

81. I was just happy to talk to someone on the phone.

82. Aw, feelin' blue?

83. I got somethin' that'll cheer you up.

84. Sir, I represent the estate of Charles Chaplin.

85. I have a court order demanding an immediate halt

86. to this unauthorized imitation.

87. Boys!

88. And here's a picture of me getting arrested

89. for indecent exposure.

90. It was the most embarrassing day of my life.

91. Lift those gams!

92. You were one nifty number.

93. The boys all paid attention to me

94. and it drove my friends crazy.

95. Who were your friends?

96. Zelda Fitzgerald,

97. Frances Farmer, and little Sylvia Plath.

98. You know, you remind me of a poem I can't remember

99. and a song that may never have existed

100. and a place I'm not sure I've ever been to.

101. You're so sweet.

102. Ooh, I feel all funny.

103. I'm in love!

104. No, wait, it's a stroke.

105. No, wait, it is love!

106. I'm in lo-o-o-o-ve!

107. Hello, I'm Troy McClure.

108. You might remember me from such films as

109. "The Boatjacking of Supership 79"

110. and "Hydro: The Man with the Hydraulic Arms".

111. Coming up this hour on the Impulse Buying Network,

112. your chance to own a piece of Itchy and Scratchy,

113. the toontown twosome beloved by everyone...

114. Even cynical members of Generation X.

115. Yeah, "groovy."

116. Troy, I'm proud to offer your viewers

117. these hand-drawn Itchy & Scratchy animation cels.

118. Each one is absolutely, positively, 100% guaranteed

119. to increase in value.

120. Not a guarantee.

121. Whoo!

122. Pardon me, sir. Forgive my clumsiness.

123. Not at all.

124. Yes, my name is Homer Simpson.

125. And I'd like to order an Itchy & Scratchy cel.

126. My credit card?

127. Do you accept the "Federal Breast Inspector's" card?

128. "License to Ogle"? "Vyza"?

129. Yes, of course. That's what I meant, "Visa."

130. It's these new dentures.

131. Well, I think it's wonderful that your father

132. has fallen in love with my mother.

133. Well, I'm opposed to the whole thing...

134. Damn opposed!

135. He's damn opposed. Damn, damn, damn opposed.

136. Bart!

137. Homer, what possible reason could you have

138. against Grampa being in love?

139. If he marries your mother, Marge, we'll be brother and sister!

140. And then our kids, they'll be horrible freaks

141. with pink skin, no overbites and five fingers on each hand!

142. Hello, Mom?

143. Fine. You know Abe had a very nice time with you last Sunday.

144. Tell her I love her!

145. Grampa, shh! I know my mother.

146. If you come on too strong, she's going to get scared away.

147. - I love ya. - What?

148. I love ya, mom.

149. - I love ya. I love ya. - I love ya. I love ya.

150. I love ya, mom. Gotta go.

151. Yeah, hi. I got a special delivery for Homer Simpson.

152. That's me!

153. Don't write no more letters to Mr. Sinatra.

154. I've got a special delivery for Homer Simpson.

155. That's me.

156. Stop stealing golf balls from the driving range.

157. Homer Simpson, I've got a,

158. special delivery for you.

159. Go away.

160. If you do not open the door, Mr. Simpson,

161. I cannot give you your... special delivery.

162. Here's your special delivery.

163. - Thanks. - That's for keepin' me waiting.

164. Hey, Lis, guess who's got a genuine

165. Itchy & Scratchy animation cel?

166. That is so cool! That is so exciting!

167. That is so...

168. Crappy.

169. It looks like part of Scratchy's arm.

170. No. I used Dad's credit card to buy this?

171. - Yeesh! How much was it? - $350.

172. - Ooh. - Ha-ha!

173. - Ha, ha, ha. - My God.

174. This boy is having an out-of-body experience.

175. This is very... bad for business.

176. Hot diggity!

177. I'm gonna smooch her like a mule eating an apple!

178. I even bought me some special novelty dentures.

179. See?

180. Dad, that will never work.

181. If you wanna make your move, you gotta play it cool.

182. Now, what you gotta do,

183. if you wanna get a kiss,

184. is act real smooth and make your move like this.

185. I see.

186. So, if I take your advice

187. and make your patented move,

188. then my chances for love will slightly improve.

189. Now what's that rule?

190. Play it cool.

191. Is this cel worth anything?

192. Let me show you something.

193. This... This is a Snagglepuss drawn by Hic Heisler.

194. It is worth something.

195. This... This is an arm drawn by nobody.

196. It is worth nothing.

197. Can't you give me anything for it?

198. I can give you this telephone. It is shaped like Mary Worth.

199. No groaning in my store.

200. My favorite song.

201. This is so nice.

202. I can't remember when I felt this young.

203. I really can't.

204. Say, sport.

205. Mind if I have the next dance?

206. Wha... D'What the...

207. Don't sneak up on a... You!

208. No need for the blown gasket, Charlie.

209. I'll have her back in one piece.

210. Hey!

211. That big ape thinks he can muscle in

212. on my girl, does he?

213. I'll show him.

214. I'm gonna give him the frowning of a lifetime.

215. I swear, Monty. You are the devil himself.

216. I... Who told you?

217. Yes, yes, well.

218. I'd say you were an angel, but

219. angels don't dance like that.

220. Good night, Mrs. Bouvier,

221. wherever you are.

222. Mr. Simpson, I represent the estate of Jimmy Durante.

223. I have a court order demanding an immediate halt

224. to this unauthorized imitation. Boys!

225. Well, would it be all right with you

226. if I just laid down in the street and died?

227. Yes, that would be acceptable.

228. Smithers, guess what happened to me last night?

229. I don't know, sir.

230. You had sex with that old woman?

231. She said "no" to me.

232. Do you know how many women have said "no" to me?

233. 130... But only one since I've become a billionaire.

234. And she's the one for me. I'm in love!

235. - Whoop-dee-do, sir. - Yes, whoop-dee-do.

236. Whoop-dee-do to the world! Whoop-dee-do, Mr. Florist.

237. Whoop-dee-do, Mr. Physical trainer.

238. Whoop-dee-do, Mr. President.

239. I'm happy you've finally found love.

240. Whoop-dee-do, tarantula town.

241. Whoop-dee-do, employees.

242. Everyone who's found true love may leave early today.

243. All right!

244. "Memorandum to Mrs. Bouvier. Re: Delineation of romantic intentions."

245. Too sappy.

246. Smithers, come over here and help me write

247. a mash note to my girlfriend.

248. Fine.

249. Darling one: Read my words and hear my heart

250. speak of a love, soft and undying.

251. A love that will be with you always.

252. Sincerely, yada-yada-yada.

253. That's marvelous.

254. How did you think of that so fast?

255. I... sent it to you on your birthday.

256. Excuse me. I have something in my eye.

257. Mom's almost ready for her date.

258. She sure seems taken by this new beau.

259. I feel so bad for Grampa.

260. Dad says this new guy is a repulsive, obnoxious old billionaire.

261. So, let's all be extra nice to him.

262. Hello.

263. Why, it's... It's...

264. It's...

265. Why it's Fred Flintstone and his lovely wife, Wilma.

266. And this must be little Pebbles.

267. Mind if I come in? I brought chocolates.

268. Yabba dabba do!

269. He's an awful, awful, awful man.

270. I guess if he makes Mom happy, that's all that really matters.

271. That's right, "money."

272. Your "money's" happiness is all that "moneys."

273. Hi. You know, Grandma really likes it

274. when her boyfriends are nice to me.

275. She especially likes it when they give me money.

276. Run along, peewee. Baby gets nothing.

277. Very well, you leave me no choice.

278. This gun is filled with ketchup.

279. This one with mustard. Now give me $350 bucks

280. or you're gonna be a mess for your date.

281. You don't have the guts.

282. Here. Take your money. Take it.

283. Ooh! Now, the tables have turned, haven't they?

284. Monty, I'm ready.

285. Ooh.

286. Why'd she have to leave me?

287. Hi, Abe.

288. We heard you was in need of some cheering up.

289. So we got you a special cake.

290. Better call the nurse.

291. Bravissimo, Luigi.

292. Bring us your finest bottle of vino.

293. Hey, you trust Luigi.

294. He knows what for to make-a really nice the amore.

295. Monty, I've never been to a more romantic restaurant.

296. Hey, Salvatore, break out the cheap hooch

297. for Mr. No tip and the dried-up zombie he's-a captured.

298. Dad, I'm really sorry, but I charged $350 on your credit card.

299. - What? - Don't worry. Here's the cash.

300. Whoo-hoo! $350.

301. Now, I can buy 70 transcripts of Nightline.

302. But, Dad...

303. Well, he's happy.

304. I'm gonna keep this Mary Worth phone right here.

305. Her stern, but sensible face will remind me never to do anything so stupid again.

306. Hey, Bart, you wanna go play

307. with that x-ray machine in the abandoned hospital?

308. Sure.

309. Now, my dear. If you look in your champagne,

310. I think you'll find a little surprise.

311. Not to worry.

312. I believe there's another one around here somewhere.

313. Ooh! Yes.

314. My darling,

315. since my kneecaps are filling with fluid as we speak,

316. I'll be brief... Will you marry me?

317. Mom, you can't marry Mr. Burns. He's an evil man.

318. Evil, schmevil, Marge. Monty can provide for me.

319. Besides, he's a great kisser.

320. Ew! Yuck!

321. What about Abe Simpson?

322. Don't you have any feelings for him?

323. He's a dear,

324. but he's too much of an old fusspot.

325. We're all aware of Grampa's problems,

326. but compared to Mr. Burns, he's Judge freaking Reinhold.

327. I don't know who that is.

328. Who needs her?

329. Now I'll have more time to read things

330. I find on the ground.

331. "la-tex con-do."

332. Boy, I'd like to live in one of those!

333. Hey, Barney, why don't you fill out the groom's side?

334. - Hey! Down in front! - Nein!

335. Where's Grampa? Wasn't he invited?

336. Yeah, but his reply envelope

337. just had a check to the gas company in it.

338. And, so, when Eliphaz came down from Mount Hebron bearing figs,

339. he offered them to Moham,

340. who you will remember is the father of Shecham,

341. and to Hazar, on the occasion of their matrimony,

342. much in the same...

343. We've heard enough about Bliz-Blaz and Him-Ham already.

344. Get to the bloody point!

345. Do you, Charles Montgomery Burns,

346. take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

347. - I do. - Oops.

348. The ring, you little imbecile, before I really lose my temper.

349. I know. I know.

350. Do you, Jacqueline Bouvier,

351. take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?

352. Monty!

353. My favorite song. How did...

354. I specifically requested no romantic music!

355. Wha...

356. Mrs. Bouvier!

357. Mrs. Bouvier!

358. Mrs. Bouvier!

359. Honey, are you sure you wanna be Mrs. Montgomery Burns?

360. Wouldn't you rather be Mrs. Abraham J. Simpson?

361. No.

362. I don't wanna be either.

363. Hot diggity damn! That's good enough for me!

364. Turn off that racket!

365. Yeah, fat chance, pops.

366. I first took a fancy to Mrs. Bouvier

367. because her raspy voice reminded me of

368. my old Victrola.

369. It was a fine machine,

370. with a vulcanized rubber listening tube

371. which you crammed in your ear.

372. The tube would go in easier with some sort of lubricant

373. like Linseed oil or Dr. Shumway's...

374. - Shh! - I'm sorry.

375. ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.