1. D'oh!Copy !req
2. This sting can't miss, boys.Copy !req
3. I mailed these bogus prize certificates
to every scofflaw in Springfield.Copy !req
4. When they show up
for their free motorboats...Copy !req
5. we arrest them and beat them
to the full extent of the law.Copy !req
6. So the hook is baited.Copy !req
7. - Nice metaphor, Eddie.
- Yeah, good work, Eddie.Copy !req
8. But we didn't enter
any police raffle.Copy !req
9. That doesn't matter.
The important thing is we won.Copy !req
10. I don't know.
There's something very peculiar about this.Copy !req
11. Sheesh!Copy !req
12. You're the most paranoid family
I've ever been affiliated with.Copy !req
13. I'd like a yellow boat, please...Copy !req
14. - with extra motors.
- Yo, no cuts, bro.Copy !req
15. Where's my motorboat, pig?Copy !req
16. Uh, right through that door.Copy !req
17. - Whoa! Yo!Copy !req
18. - Ouch!Copy !req
19. I call brutality on you.Copy !req
20. - You have the right to remain-Copy !req
21. All right, uh, "Simpson, Homer."Copy !req
22. - You're next.
- Whoo-hoo!Copy !req
23. Howdy, gents.
I'm here to collect my free-Copy !req
24. Ow!
Oh, my boating arm!Copy !req
25. - What's going on!
- You're under arrest, slimebag.Copy !req
26. - What's this perp in for, Lou?
- 235 unpaid parking tickets...Copy !req
27. totaling $175.Copy !req
28. I hope you brought your checkbook, wise guy.Copy !req
29. You lousy cops.
Lucky for you I'm double-parked or I'd-Copy !req
30. There. Now, could I
please have my motorboat?Copy !req
31. Dad, why aren't you saying anything?
Where's our motorboat?Copy !req
32. I didn't like it.
The mast had termites.Copy !req
33. - Why would a motorboat have a mast?
- Because!Copy !req
34. The thing, it was- Shut up!Copy !req
35. Whoo! There's that new mega-mall
they're building.Copy !req
36. They say the air conditioner will be more
powerful than a million hydrogen bombs.Copy !req
37. Hey, they can't just build a parking lot
on Sabertooth Meadow!Copy !req
38. That's where they discovered
all those fossils.Copy !req
39. Fossils, schmossils.Copy !req
40. You can't stop progress
'cause of some moldy old bones.Copy !req
41. Bones, schmones.Copy !req
42. But they might be paving over
rare specimens.Copy !req
43. Pull over so we can complain, Dad.Copy !req
44. Come on!
Who wants to complain with me?Copy !req
45. Fine.
I'll come back later.Copy !req
46. Who wants to come back with me?Copy !req
47. Fine.Copy !req
48. My attorney, Lionel Hutz,
calls your attention...Copy !req
49. to Municipal Code 147-C-Copy !req
50. - "Protection of Antiquities and Fossils."
- That's right.Copy !req
51. There aren't any fossils here, little girl.Copy !req
52. Museum folks dug 'em all up years ago.Copy !req
53. But what if they missed something?
You have to allow an archeological survey.Copy !req
54. Who's gonna make us? You?Copy !req
55. Now, hold on, Sid.
Hold on.Copy !req
56. May be we should let the kid dig.
Could be good publicity.Copy !req
57. Oh, yes.
Yeah, we ought to do that.Copy !req
58. Okay. You wanna dig?
Be my guest.Copy !req
59. Fine!
We'll see you in court!Copy !req
60. - Mr. Hutz, we won.
- "We"?Copy !req
61. Principal Skinner,
remember how I didn't sue...Copy !req
62. when I found that scorpion
in my applesauce?Copy !req
63. Well, I'm calling in a favor.Copy !req
64. Mmm, I knew this day would come.Copy !req
65. Attention.
All honor students will be rewarded...Copy !req
66. - with a trip to an archeological dig!Copy !req
67. Conversely,
all detention students will be punished...Copy !req
68. with a trip to an archeological dig.Copy !req
69. - Oh, no. Not tomorrow.
- Oh, crud.Copy !req
70. This is so exciting.
I can't wait to see what we find.Copy !req
71. I must admit, it is rather exciting.
And-Copy !req
72. Why, look!
Here's something right here.Copy !req
73. It appears to be some sort of rock.Copy !req
74. Oh, no. It's just a clump of dirt.Copy !req
75. Even so, my heart
is pounding like a kettle drum.Copy !req
76. I'd better sit down for a moment.Copy !req
77. "Prinskipper Skippal"- "Prinnipple Skipper"-
l-I found something!Copy !req
78. - It's a spearhead!Copy !req
79. That's your trowel blade, Ralph.
It fell off the handle.Copy !req
80. - And I found it!
- Okay, everyone, back to work!Copy !req
81. You never know when we might
uncover a Tyrannosaurus.Copy !req
82. Well, this was a big bust.Copy !req
83. Come on, kids.
Let's go home to our mothers.Copy !req
84. Don't give up.
I'm sure we'll find something.Copy !req
85. Come on. Come on!Copy !req
86. A bottle cap, a shoe,
a bar of gold- anything!Copy !req
87. Everybody, come quick!Copy !req
88. Hey, what is that?Copy !req
89. - Hope it's not-
- Let me through. I got here late.Copy !req
90. Hmm, from the looks of it, I'd say
this fellow died from causes unknown.Copy !req
91. Look, there's more!
What the heck is this thing?Copy !req
92. Speaking from a strictly
medical point of view, that ain't right.Copy !req
93. Oh, my goodness!Copy !req
94. What is it, Lisa?Copy !req
95. It looks like a human skeleton.Copy !req
96. But these other bones
look almost like wings.Copy !req
97. You mean, like... an angel?Copy !req
98. You mean, like... an angel?Copy !req
99. Well, obviously, that's impossible.Copy !req
100. - Lisa's right. It's an angel!Copy !req
101. Now, that's interesting.Copy !req
102. Now, that's interesting.Copy !req
103. - But it can't be an angel!
- Oh, no?Copy !req
104. Well, if you're so sure what it ain't,
how about tellir us what it am?Copy !req
105. Well, maybe it's, uh-Copy !req
106. uh- a Neanderthal who got bitten
by some angry fish.Copy !req
107. Oh, I got to say, Lisa.Copy !req
108. It sounds like you're strainir
to do some explainir.Copy !req
109. Yeah, everyone's heard
of angels, but...Copy !req
110. who's ever heard of a "Neanderthal"?Copy !req
111. It could be anything. It could be
a mutant from the nuclear plant.Copy !req
112. Oh, fiddle-faddle.
Everyone knows our mutants have flippers.Copy !req
113. Ooh, oops. I've said too much.Copy !req
114. - Smithers, use the amnesia ray.
- You mean, the revolver, sir?Copy !req
115. Precisely. Be sure to wipe
your own memory clear when you're finished.Copy !req
116. Now, regardless
of what this thing is...Copy !req
117. it's a priceless scientific find...Copy !req
118. so our most pressing concern now...Copy !req
119. is determining who owns
such a valuable skeleton.Copy !req
120. - And I'd like to suggest that I do.Copy !req
121. - Excuse me.
- I'd like to hear from Lionel Hutz.Copy !req
122. It's a thorny legal issue, all right.Copy !req
123. I'll need to refer to the case
of Finders versus Keepers.Copy !req
124. Oh, we can work this out, friends.Copy !req
125. In the spirit of sharing,
what say we simply place...Copy !req
126. - the sacred bones-Copy !req
127. So long, suckers!Copy !req
128. Come on- Come on, angel.Copy !req
129. - What are you doing with that?Copy !req
130. I'm locking it up in my safe-deposit closet
with my other valuables.Copy !req
131. I'll just leave it
in here a few years...Copy !req
132. and let it appreciate in value.Copy !req
133. It's probably a million years old, Dad.Copy !req
134. - I think it's as valuable as it's gonna get.Copy !req
135. That's what they said about
this Billy Beer, smarty-pants.Copy !req
136. We elected the wrong Can'ter.Copy !req
137. Coming up next, an hilarious boat giveaway scam...Copy !req
138. nets Springfield's dumbest criminals.Copy !req
139. Sounds like good watchir.Copy !req
140. He-Hey there, Marge.
Just brought the kids over...Copy !req
141. to share a prayer with the blessed angel,
if it's okay with you.Copy !req
142. Get your own angel, you moocher!Copy !req
143. Thanks anyway, Homer.Copy !req
144. - Oh, hello, Agnes.
- Sorry to trouble you...Copy !req
145. but I'm goir in
for surgery tomorrow...Copy !req
146. and I wondered if I could rub the angel
with my foot for good luck.Copy !req
147. - It's foot surgery.
- Hey, I'm trying to eat here!Copy !req
148. - Beat it, peg leg!
- Jackass!Copy !req
149. Marge.Copy !req
150. - We wanna see the angel.Copy !req
151. Come on, Homer.
I just want a quick look-see.Copy !req
152. - Pay you a buck.
- A buck, eh?Copy !req
153. That gives me an idea.Copy !req
154. - Fifty cents, please.Copy !req
155. Dad, it's not fair
to claim this thing is an angel.Copy !req
156. - There's no proof of that.
- No one's calling it an angel, Lisa.Copy !req
157. If you look carefully, you'll notice
I never once used the word "angel."Copy !req
158. - What about that sign right there?
- That's a typo.Copy !req
159. Just let me take it
to the museum for one day.Copy !req
160. They can do scientific tests
and prove it's not an angel.Copy !req
161. Oh, no. We could lose out
on bags and bags of money.Copy !req
162. It's sacrilegious, I tell ya.Copy !req
163. Wow, it's so lifelike.Copy !req
164. Astonishing, simply astonishing.Copy !req
165. One of the most singular
specimens I've encountered...Copy !req
166. in all my distinguished career.Copy !req
167. But enough about my work.
What did you want to show me, Lisa?Copy !req
168. It's a bone scraping
from that skeleton I found.Copy !req
169. Oh, yeah.
The so-called angel.Copy !req
170. The whole thing's preposterous, of course.Copy !req
171. Quite preposterous. But no one will
believe me until I can prove what it really is.Copy !req
172. Can't you do a D.N.A. test
or something?Copy !req
173. Certainly.
I'll have the results by tomorrow.Copy !req
174. Oh, thank you so much.Copy !req
175. Um, you know,
I can't afford to pay you.Copy !req
176. I didn't become a scientist
for financial gain.Copy !req
177. Whatever little money
you have will be just fine.Copy !req
178. I say it's the Angel of Mercy,
you jerk.Copy !req
179. Excuse me. I took a piece
of the skeleton for scientific analysis.Copy !req
180. - Soon we'll have all the facts.
- You did what?Copy !req
181. - You know what? I don't like that.Copy !req
182. Facts are meaningless.
You can use facts to prove anything...Copy !req
183. that's even remotely true.Copy !req
184. - Facts, schmacts.Copy !req
185. Ah, here's Dr. Gould now.
What were the results, Professor?Copy !req
186. - Inconclusive.
- "Inconclusive"?Copy !req
187. Then why'd you come
running up like that?Copy !req
188. Can I use your bathroom?Copy !req
189. Well, it appears science
has faltered once again...Copy !req
190. in the face of overwhelming
religious evidence.Copy !req
191. - But-
- Go home, science girl.Copy !req
192. - I am home.
- Good. Stay there.Copy !req
193. Okay, folks.
Get your "Angel Glow Sticks."Copy !req
194. - No one gets into heaven without a glow stick.
- I'll take four.Copy !req
195. Ach! Those morons make me so angry.Copy !req
196. Maybe so. But I'd appreciate it
if you didn't call them morons.Copy !req
197. But they are morons.Copy !req
198. - What grown person could believe in angels?
- Well...Copy !req
199. your mother, for one.Copy !req
200. You?Copy !req
201. - But, y-you're an intelligent person, Mom.Copy !req
202. There has to be more to life
than just what we see, Lisa.Copy !req
203. Everyone needs something
to believe in.Copy !req
204. It's not that I don't have
a spiritual side.Copy !req
205. I just find it hard to believe there's
a dead angel hanging in our garage.Copy !req
206. Hmmm. My poor Lisa.Copy !req
207. If you can't make a leap
of faith now and then...Copy !req
208. well, I feel sorry for you.Copy !req
209. Don't feel sorry for me, Mom.Copy !req
210. I feel sorry for you.Copy !req
211. Next on Smartline,
the Springfield angel controversy.Copy !req
212. Our guest tonight, making her
13th appearance on Smartline...Copy !req
213. - Miss Lisa Simpson.
- Kent.Copy !req
214. Miss Simpson, how can you
maintain your skepticism...Copy !req
215. in spite of the fact this thing really,
really looks like an angel?Copy !req
216. I just think it's a fantasy.Copy !req
217. If you believe in angels, then why not
unicorns or sea monsters or leprechauns?Copy !req
218. Oh, that's a bunch of baloney, Lisa!Copy !req
219. Oh, that's a bunch of baloney, Lisa!Copy !req
220. Everyone knows
leprechauns are extinct.Copy !req
221. Look, you can either accept science
and face reality...Copy !req
222. or you can believe in angels
and live in a childish dreamworld.Copy !req
223. Science-
What's science ever done for us?Copy !req
224. - TV off.
- Science is like a blabbermouth...Copy !req
225. who ruins a movie
by telling you how it ends.Copy !req
226. Well, I say there are some things we don't
wanna know- important things.Copy !req
227. - Yeah, he's right!
- Enough talk.Copy !req
228. It's smashir time!Copy !req
229. Take that and that and-Copy !req
230. Oh! I'm paralyzed.Copy !req
231. I just hope medical science
can cure me.Copy !req
232. Why? Why was I programmed
to feel pain?Copy !req
233. Technocrats are learning
a lesson in humility tonight...Copy !req
234. as angel supporters lay waste
to Springfield's scientific institutions.Copy !req
235. Ugh! I wish I'd never found
those stupid bones!Copy !req
236. It's time to put an end to this.Copy !req
237. - Bart, I'm borrowing your blue crowbar.
- Good ol' Blue-y.Copy !req
238. - Hey, she's gonna smash the angel!
- Somebody stop her!Copy !req
239. It's gone!Copy !req
240. Oh, no! This can't be happening!Copy !req
241. What the hell are we gonna do with
10,000 angel ashtrays?Copy !req
242. - I could take up smoking.
- You damn well better.Copy !req
243. Okay. Okay, don't panic.
Marge, stop panicking!Copy !req
244. We need a replacement skeleton,
and we need it now.Copy !req
245. - Bart, strip down to your skeleton.Copy !req
246. We've come for the angel, Homer.
It's not safe with the unbeliever.Copy !req
247. It's gone!
We're too late.Copy !req
248. Little girl, what have you done
with our precious angel?Copy !req
249. Nothing!
Someone must have stolen it.Copy !req
250. Looks to me like Lisa Simpson found
something science couldn't explain...Copy !req
251. so she had to destroy it.Copy !req
252. Well, that's all the evidence I need.
Arrest the girl.Copy !req
253. - Hey!
- What? She didn't do anything.Copy !req
254. Give her a nice cell-
something in "C" Block.Copy !req
255. Lisa Simpson, you are charged...Copy !req
256. with destruction of an historic curiosity-
a misdemeanor.Copy !req
257. But in a larger sense, this trial
will settle the age-old question...Copy !req
258. of science versus religion.Copy !req
259. Let the opening statements commence.Copy !req
260. Your Honor,
over the coming weeks and months...Copy !req
261. we intend to prove Lisa Simpson
willfully destroyed-Copy !req
262. - There's the angel!Copy !req
263. I find the defendant not guilty.Copy !req
264. As for Science versus Religion,
I'm issuing a restraining order.Copy !req
265. Religion must stay 500 yards
from Science at all times.Copy !req
266. Wow! Do you think it flew up here?Copy !req
267. - Well, it didn't ride up on no zebra.
- Look, a message!Copy !req
268. "The end will come at sundown."Copy !req
269. Hey-Copy !req
270. Wait a second.
I don't like the sound of that.Copy !req
271. I'm scared, Daddy. Too scared
to even wet my pants.Copy !req
272. It's okay, Son.
Just relax, and it'll come.Copy !req
273. Even Lisa Simpson must now agree.
We have witnessed a miracle.Copy !req
274. Hardly.
Anyone could've written that.Copy !req
275. Oh, angel, listen not
to this child of Satan.Copy !req
276. Reverend, I've got to admit. This doomsday
warning has me just a smidge twitterpated.Copy !req
277. Oh, now, be calm, Ned.Copy !req
278. But be afraid also-
tremendously afraid-Copy !req
279. for the day of reckoning is upon us!Copy !req
280. - Reckoning?Copy !req
281. Your Holiness,
there is word from America.Copy !req
282. They say an angel
has foretold the apocalypse.Copy !req
283. Um, keep an eye on it.Copy !req
284. This could be our last day together, my love.Copy !req
285. How about a farewell romp in
the Garden of Earthly Delights?Copy !req
286. Oh, Edna, my sweet buttercup,
you read my mind.Copy !req
287. Just, uh, give me 20 minutes
or so to finish these tardy slips.Copy !req
288. Why we gettir dressed-up, Mom?
Are we going to Black Angus?Copy !req
289. Well, you might say we're going
to the best steakhouse in the whole universe.Copy !req
290. So we're not going to Black Angus.Copy !req
291. Will you leave me alone?Copy !req
292. It's bad enough you're making me go
to your stupid Judgment Day.Copy !req
293. Please, Lisa.
I don't know exactly what's gonna happen.Copy !req
294. But I really wish we could
make peace before sunset.Copy !req
295. Nothing is going to happen, Mom!Copy !req
296. I hate to disappoint you,
but the world is not coming to an end.Copy !req
297. Well, shall we sing a hymn?
Uh, "Nearer, My God, to Thee" maybe?Copy !req
298. - Or-Or-Or-Or "Amazing Grace"?
- Mmm. Nah.Copy !req
299. Oh, Marge.
Don't let go, no matter what.Copy !req
300. If they want you in heaven,
they got to take me too.Copy !req
301. - Ten seconds till sundown.Copy !req
302. We did it.
We beat cancer.Copy !req
303. Ohhh, what the hell?Copy !req
304. - Muuuah!
- Seven, six-Copy !req
305. five, four...Copy !req
306. three, two, one-Copy !req
307. - What happened?Copy !req
308. - There you go. I hope you all learned a val-
- Silence!Copy !req
309. Rrepare for the end!Copy !req
310. - The end ofhigh prices!Copy !req
311. - What?
- Ooh.Copy !req
312. Behold!Copy !req
313. The grand opening
of the Heavenly Hills Mall.Copy !req
314. Please just follow the angel
for all your shopping needs!Copy !req
315. Wait a second!
You planted a phony skeleton for me to find!Copy !req
316. This was all a big hoax!Copy !req
317. Not a hoax- a publicity stunt.Copy !req
318. You exploited people's deepest beliefs
just to hawk your cheesy wares?Copy !req
319. Well, we are outraged!Copy !req
320. - Arert we?
- Oh. Oh, yeah. Yeah, we're outraged.Copy !req
321. Very, uh-Very much so.Copy !req
322. But look at all the stores!
A Pottery Barn!Copy !req
323. And 20% off everything?Copy !req
324. - Hey, does that include rat spray?
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
325. - Out of my way, shorty!
- Hey!Copy !req
326. I don't understand, Professor. Why didn't
your tests show the skeleton was a fake?Copy !req
327. I'm gonna be honest with you, Lisa.
I never did the tests.Copy !req
328. Uh, sir, about that, uh-Copy !req
329. that kiss- l-Copy !req
330. I hope you understand it was
merely a sign of my respect.Copy !req
331. Yes. Yes, of course.Copy !req
332. Well, I guess you were right, honey.Copy !req
333. But you have to admit,
when that angel started to talk...Copy !req
334. you were squeezing my hand
pretty hard.Copy !req
335. Well, it was just so loud...Copy !req
336. and-
thanks for squeezing back.Copy !req
337. Anytime, my angel.Copy !req
338. - Shh!Copy !req