1. D'oh!Copy !req
2. Hmm.Copy !req
3. - I want a job.
- You've got it.Copy !req
4. - Ooh, ooh. Ow!Copy !req
5. I quit.Copy !req
6. No. No. No!Copy !req
7. Man, you'd think the quality
would dip after 5,500 shows.Copy !req
8. But-Copy !req
9. Well, the F.C.C.
isn't laughing.Copy !req
10. They don't believe kids are learning anything
from Itchy and Scratchy.Copy !req
11. Aw, please.
What don't they learn?Copy !req
12. Don't trust mice.
Cats are made of glass.Copy !req
13. Our license renewal
is on the bubble.Copy !req
14. We need educational
programming fast.Copy !req
15. What about that Mattel and Mars Bar
Quick Energy Chocobot Hour?Copy !req
16. That's barely legal as it is.
Here's what I was thinking.Copy !req
17. A newscast for kids by kids.Copy !req
18. Well, you're not taking
any time out of my show.Copy !req
19. It's jammed up as it is.
There's the monologue...Copy !req
20. those idiot puppets,
Krusty's nap time...Copy !req
21. the second monologue,
Paul Harvey, Senor Pepino-Copy !req
22. I tell ya, it's the tightest three hours
and 10 minutes on TV.Copy !req
23. - We're cutting 10 minutes from your show.
- Well, I guess...Copy !req
24. we could trim the hobo parade
to a lean 20.Copy !req
25. Ach. She's a bonny pile.Copy !req
26. Now for a wee nip and a wee nap.Copy !req
27. - Ready, Milhouse?
- Ready.Copy !req
28. - Whoa!
- Whoa!Copy !req
29. You owe me a quarter.
I didn't crack my skull.Copy !req
30. - Rats.Copy !req
31. - Ach! Me pile!Copy !req
32. It's been raped of its "bonny-ness."Copy !req
33. - Hi, Willie.Copy !req
34. - My board!
- It's Willie's board now.Copy !req
35. And she'll make
a fine piece of kindlir.Copy !req
36. - Sorry. Willie can't hear ya.Copy !req
37. Hmm.Copy !req
38. - It's pure.
- Hmm.Copy !req
39. I really didn't want it
to come to this.Copy !req
40. Lisa, Channel 6 is launching
a childrers news program...Copy !req
41. and they've asked me to select
an outstanding student to be anchorchild.Copy !req
42. Oh, my gosh!Copy !req
43. Today's top story- Little girl on cloud nine
as dream comes true.Copy !req
44. Lisa, I've selected you
to be that child anchor.Copy !req
45. I know. I already jumped
to that conclusion.Copy !req
46. Hmm. All right.
If you're so smart...Copy !req
47. tell me who I selected
to be lunchroom monitor.Copy !req
48. - Me?
- Take your sash and go.Copy !req
49. This isn't right.
This isn't right at all.Copy !req
50. Ugh. Aw.Copy !req
51. I'll have to eat my way out.Copy !req
52. Agh!
It's terrible.Copy !req
53. My shack!
My beautiful shack!Copy !req
54. Oh, and I just got it
the way I like it.Copy !req
55. You did this, Bart Simpson!Copy !req
56. The man knows quality work.Copy !req
57. This time you're in for it, Bart.Copy !req
58. Huh! What's he gonna do?Copy !req
59. - I'll kill ya!Copy !req
60. All right.
Back on the stretcher.Copy !req
61. And I'll be able to tackle
all the hard-hitting childrers news...Copy !req
62. the grown-up-controlled media
won't touch.Copy !req
63. - Plus I get to be on TV.
- Oh, honey. I'm so proud of you.Copy !req
64. All your hard work and grade-grubbing
have finally paid off.Copy !req
65. - So who's on your news team?Copy !req
66. Nerd. Nerd. Nelson?Copy !req
67. Well, we used to date.
Plus, he threatened me.Copy !req
68. Well, don't worry about sports.
I got that covered.Copy !req
69. Back off, Bart.
This may be the only chance I get...Copy !req
70. as a second-grader
to produce my own TV show...Copy !req
71. - and I'm not gonna let you screw it up.
- Mom.Copy !req
72. - Oh, let your brother do sports.
- Mom.Copy !req
73. That "Mom" stuff doesn't work on me.Copy !req
74. Ooh, the gum
with a cracker center.Copy !req
75. Mmm.
That'll do it, Apu.Copy !req
76. - So just-Copy !req
77. - Do not be alarmed.Copy !req
78. That is just my helper monkey, sir.Copy !req
79. I got him after a robber
shot me six times...Copy !req
80. and left me for dead.Copy !req
81. Helper monkey, eh?Copy !req
82. Hey, I'm on TV.
Fart.Copy !req
83. Come on.
Quit fooling around, you guys.Copy !req
84. So we meet again, Mr. Bond.Copy !req
85. - Bart, get out of my anchor chair.
- Silence, Octopussy.Copy !req
86. Come on.
This isn't a joke.Copy !req
87. All over town, kids are just waking up from
their naps cranky and hungry for the news.Copy !req
88. Wow. Kent Brockman.Copy !req
89. Good luck, kids.
Where the hell's my grilled cheese?Copy !req
90. - I'd like a monkey, please.Copy !req
91. And maybe one of those dogs.
What do they do?Copy !req
92. Uh, they serve as seeing eyes
for the blind, sir.Copy !req
93. - Do they do any other tricks?
- No.Copy !req
94. - Just the monkey then.
- Uh, may I inquire...Copy !req
95. as to how you
are "differently-abled"?Copy !req
96. Oh. I'm not handicapped.Copy !req
97. I'm just lazy.Copy !req
98. Uh, sir, helper monkeys are only for
the physically-challenged or enfeebled.Copy !req
99. Enfeebled?
Ooh, I know just the guy.Copy !req
100. Be right back.Copy !req
101. - Oh, Son...Copy !req
102. this monkey's gonna change my life.Copy !req
103. Mind if I take him for a ride?Copy !req
104. Sure.
I'll just stand here.Copy !req
105. Mmm, I can't wait
to eat that monkey.Copy !req
106. And now, Kidz Newz.Copy !req
107. With Kidz Newz anchor- Lisa.Copy !req
108. Thank you.
Our top story today-Copy !req
109. In a move that could
affect children townwide...Copy !req
110. the library book purchase committee
slashed its budget by three percent.Copy !req
111. First on the chopping block-
periodicals.Copy !req
112. - Boring.
- And now sports.Copy !req
113. Bart Simpson telling you to lock
the doggy in the barn...Copy !req
114. 'cause here comes dodgeball action.Copy !req
115. The shirts continued their domination
over the skins today.Copy !req
116. - And in school yard fights,
the highly anticipated match...Copy !req
117. between Kearney and Mr. Largo
ended in a disqualification...Copy !req
118. for use of dog-doo on a stick. Lisa.Copy !req
119. And we are out.Copy !req
120. And we are out.Copy !req
121. All right, kids.
We learned a lot today.Copy !req
122. Now this is what
makes my job difficult.Copy !req
123. - Bart, you're off the sports beat.
- What?Copy !req
124. Sorry, Bart, but you've gotta
take some things seriously.Copy !req
125. From now on,
you're Lisa's coanchor.Copy !req
126. - What?
- Ooh, that's gotta hurt.Copy !req
127. Anchorman, huh?Copy !req
128. Well, if I'm gonna be an anchorman,
I better go bleach the crud off my teeth.Copy !req
129. - I'll be in makeup.Copy !req
130. I don't need a coanchor.
I'm a straight-A student.Copy !req
131. Lisa, Bart's got something
you can't learn in school-Copy !req
132. - "zazz."
- What is "zazz"?Copy !req
133. "Zing,"zork,"kapowza"-
Call it what you want.Copy !req
134. In any language
it spells mazuma in the bank.Copy !req
135. - "Zork"? What is "zork"?
- I didn't say "zork"?Copy !req
136. The point is the camera loves him.Copy !req
137. But that trivializes the whole idea
of Kidz Newz.Copy !req
138. I mean, let's be honest.Copy !req
139. Bart's not exactly the brightest penny
in the fountain.Copy !req
140. In English, Lisa.Copy !req
141. - Damn blueberry stains.Copy !req
142. Look. I love Bart, but he's never even
read a newspaper.Copy !req
143. - Between you and me, he's, well...Copy !req
144. kind of dumb.Copy !req
145. Is there a problem, honey?Copy !req
146. Monkey.
There's a monkey in the house.Copy !req
147. - Relax. It's only Mojo.Copy !req
148. Mojo, Marge.
Marge, Mojo.Copy !req
149. He can do anything you show him.Copy !req
150. Watch.
Simpson residence.Copy !req
151. Why didn't you tell me you were
bringing home a filthy monkey?Copy !req
152. This "filthy monkey" made the orange juice
you're drinking.Copy !req
153. I'll show Lisa who's dumb.Copy !req
154. "Supreme Court reverses"-Copy !req
155. I won't turn to the comics.Copy !req
156. I won't turn to the comics.Copy !req
157. All right. I'll read one comic
just to get me rollir.Copy !req
158. Archie.Copy !req
159. "Hey, Jughead, did you hear?
The Supreme Court reversed"-Copy !req
160. - Mom, am I dumb?
- Honey, I'd love to reassure you...Copy !req
161. but right now Mommy needs
a tetanus shot.Copy !req
162. Mr. Brockman, I need your help.
I've got to become...Copy !req
163. a great anchor
so I can show up my sister.Copy !req
164. Sister, huh?
I've got a sister.Copy !req
165. Miss Big Shot CNN
Washington Correspondent.Copy !req
166. Well, she's not the boss of me!Copy !req
167. Come in.Copy !req
168. Come in.Copy !req
169. Let's take the trophy route
to the den.Copy !req
170. Twelve Newsies.
Seven Iron Mikes.Copy !req
171. Four Golden Coifs.Copy !req
172. This is the most prestigious award
that Del Monte gives.Copy !req
173. Do you want to hear
my award-winning secret?Copy !req
174. Human interest stories.
They tug at the heart and fog the mind.Copy !req
175. Observe.Copy !req
176. Hear that?Copy !req
177. It's the sound
of childrers laughter...Copy !req
178. silenced.Copy !req
179. That's because tomorrow
this old carousel...Copy !req
180. which has delighted young Americans
for lo these past six years...Copy !req
181. will be torn down
to make way for the future-Copy !req
182. a store that sells
designer mouse pads.Copy !req
183. Well, I guess there's no room
in this modern world...Copy !req
184. for old Blackie here...Copy !req
185. but if you don't mind...Copy !req
186. this reporter is going for...Copy !req
187. one last ride.Copy !req
188. - This is Kent Brockman-Copy !req
189. reporting.Copy !req
190. - Kidz Newz.Copy !req
191. Marge, the kids are on.Copy !req
192. The monkey's on my part of the sofa.Copy !req
193. Honey, he's clearly
marked his territory.Copy !req
194. - We'll bring you more...Copy !req
195. on this chalk shortage
as it continues.Copy !req
196. And now, Bart's been looking into
that alleged ham salad...Copy !req
197. from yesterday's school lunch.Copy !req
198. No, I haven't, Lisa.
Because I went out with a camera...Copy !req
199. and did a different kind of story.Copy !req
200. Bart, do you really think-Copy !req
201. It's about a man.
A simple man.Copy !req
202. He's one of... Bart's People.Copy !req
203. Joe Banks, 82 years young...Copy !req
204. has come to this pond every day...Copy !req
205. for the past 17 years
to feed the ducks.Copy !req
206. But last month
Joe made a discovery-Copy !req
207. the ducks were gone.Copy !req
208. Some say the ducks went to Canada.Copy !req
209. Others say Toronto.Copy !req
210. And some people think that
Joe used to sit down there, near those ducks.Copy !req
211. But it could be that there's just no room
in this modern world...Copy !req
212. for an old man and his ducks.Copy !req
213. Smithers-Copy !req
214. You think maybe my power plant
killed those ducks?Copy !req
215. There's no maybe about it, sir.Copy !req
216. Excellent.Copy !req
217. Marge, can I get a duck?Copy !req
218. You already have a monkey.Copy !req
219. Can he get a duck?Copy !req
220. - No!Copy !req
221. One man, no ducks.
Lisa.Copy !req
222. That's Kidz Newz.
Good night.Copy !req
223. Way to go, Bart.Copy !req
224. That wasn't news.
That was sappy, manipulative drivel.Copy !req
225. Well, I'm sorry you couldn't feel
for old Joe.Copy !req
226. - You didn't feel for him either, you big fat phony.
- Bart, look up here.Copy !req
227. This is where the tears would be if I could cry.
But I can't.Copy !req
228. Botched face-lift.
You could learn a lot from him, Maryann.Copy !req
229. - It's Lisa.
- Maryanrs better.Copy !req
230. They want cheap sentiment?
I'll pump 'em so full of sap...Copy !req
231. they'll be blowing their nose
with a pancake.Copy !req
232. They call her the "Cat Lady."Copy !req
233. People say she's crazy just because
she has a few dozen cats.Copy !req
234. But can anyone who loves animals that much
really be crazy?Copy !req
235. The old Union Pacific doesn't
come by here much anymore.Copy !req
236. Come on.
Come to papa.Copy !req
237. Good boy, Mojo.
Now bring 'em down and I'll give you one.Copy !req
238. Stop that. You're a helper monkey.Copy !req
239. - This isn't helping.Copy !req
240. Oh. I don't need your pity.Copy !req
241. Our forgotten veterans-
Their guns are quiet now.Copy !req
242. Their helmets lost or pawned.Copy !req
243. And yet here they are,
making flags out of old clothes.Copy !req
244. Sure, they may not have
the right number of stripes...Copy !req
245. and the colors are all wrong...Copy !req
246. and some purists will tell you...Copy !req
247. the American flag doesn't contain
the word "Jordache."Copy !req
248. But you know, if they run this
up the flagpole, I'll salute.Copy !req
249. - I'm Bart Simpson.
- Hmm.Copy !req
250. Thank you, Bart, for yet another touching
Bart's People.Copy !req
251. - Now, turning to-
- I just think our veterans
deserve a little recognition.Copy !req
252. That's what Veterars Day is for, Bart.Copy !req
253. But is that really enough
to honor our brave soldiers?Copy !req
254. They also have Memorial Day.Copy !req
255. Oh, Lisa. Maybe you're right,
maybe you're wrong.Copy !req
256. The important thing
is veterans deserve a day...Copy !req
257. - to honor them.
- They have two.Copy !req
258. Well, maybe they should have three.
I'm Bart Simpson.Copy !req
259. Oh, my.
Look at all these letters from people...Copy !req
260. who want to be Bart's people, Bart.Copy !req
261. I wish they could all be Bart's people, Mom.
I truly do.Copy !req
262. I'm proud of you, honey.Copy !req
263. You're finally giving something
back to the community...Copy !req
264. after taking so, so much.Copy !req
265. Hmm.
Really makes you think.Copy !req
266. What does that even mean?Copy !req
267. Mom might not
see through you, but I do.Copy !req
268. You don't care about
any of these people.Copy !req
269. Well, If I'm guilty of anything,
maybe it's caring too much.Copy !req
270. - I'm Bart Simpson.
- Stop talking like that. Stop it.Copy !req
271. - Lisa, please.Copy !req
272. You've absolutely no reason
to be jealous.Copy !req
273. You're still a very important part
of Bart's show.Copy !req
274. Bart's show? If everybody knew
what a phony Bart was...Copy !req
275. he'd be off that show so fast-Copy !req
276. I've got it.Copy !req
277. Hey, Lise.
Be a doll and hand me that sealant.Copy !req
278. Hey. Here's another letter
for Bart's People.Copy !req
279. Oh. So many souls, so little ain'time.Copy !req
280. - " Dear Bart...Copy !req
281. "I came to this country
hoping to share the American dream.Copy !req
282. "But after many years
of backbreaking labor...Copy !req
283. I find myself homeless
and sleeping in a junkyard."Copy !req
284. Oh, how terrible.
Read on.Copy !req
285. "Should I abandon hope or fight on bravely
against impossible odds?"Copy !req
286. Oh, this is too perfect.Copy !req
287. - It is, isn't it?
- I'm gonna put him on the air tonight. Live.Copy !req
288. Oh, Bart, you'll have to ride your bike
pretty fast to get out there in time.Copy !req
289. - Nah, I'll just take the chopper.
- They gave you a chopper?Copy !req
290. - Mojo, will you wipe my mouth?Copy !req
291. Oh, for Pete sakes,
why is that monkey wearing a diaper?Copy !req
292. - I thought he was housebroken?
- Meh.Copy !req
293. You said this monkey would be
sweeping the floors and cleaning the gutters...Copy !req
294. and now he just lies there
struggling to breathe.Copy !req
295. - What do you want?Copy !req
296. His cholesterol's through the roof.Copy !req
297. I want you to take
that monkey back...Copy !req
298. so he can be rehabilitated
and get a second chance.Copy !req
299. No, no.
He's fine.Copy !req
300. Go on, Mojo.
Show Marge your happy dance.Copy !req
301. - And so on.Copy !req
302. Mojo. What have they done to you?Copy !req
303. Pray for Mojo.Copy !req
304. So, by waking up a little early
and having some extra sheets handy...Copy !req
305. no one's the wiser.Copy !req
306. Tomorrow- destroying the evidence.Copy !req
307. Ew. Uh, thank you, Milhouse.Copy !req
308. Now it's time for today's special live edition
of Bart's People.Copy !req
309. Lisa, I've just arrived at the Springfield dump.Copy !req
310. A lot of things get thrown out here.Copy !req
311. Sometimes even a human being.Copy !req
312. Somewhere in this pile
of twisted metal...Copy !req
313. and soiled mattresses-Copy !req
314. - lives a poor immigrant...Copy !req
315. whose home was cruelly taken away.Copy !req
316. Yeah. By you!Copy !req
317. Groundskeeper Willie!
Um, uh...Copy !req
318. so you're the immigrant
I'm here to help.Copy !req
319. Help?
You destroyed my house...Copy !req
320. and reduced me to livir in a dump.Copy !req
321. Groundskeeper Willie, furious with
the government that let him down.Copy !req
322. - I'm Bart Simp-Copy !req
323. - I'll kill ya!Copy !req
324. - Oh, no.Copy !req
325. What have I done?
Nelson, cover for me.Copy !req
326. Oh, Bart. It's me,
a jolly policeman.Copy !req
327. Oh, we got Willie. Come on out
so we can give you a medal.Copy !req
328. Way to go, Officer.Copy !req
329. - Willie, stop!
- Away with ya.Copy !req
330. I got to finish him off
while I'm still temporarily insane!Copy !req
331. No, you can't hurt Bart!Copy !req
332. He's-Well, he's your son.Copy !req
333. - What?
- Well, not literally.Copy !req
334. But in a way,
isn't he everyone's son?Copy !req
335. For you see,
that little hell-raiser...Copy !req
336. is the spawn of every
shrieking commercial...Copy !req
337. every brain-rotting soda pop...Copy !req
338. every teacher who cares
less about young minds...Copy !req
339. than about cashing
their big fat paychecks.Copy !req
340. No, Bart's not to blame.Copy !req
341. You can't create a monster and then whine
when he stomps on a few buildings.Copy !req
342. - I'm Lisa Simpson.Copy !req
343. You're right.
It's all Willie's fault.Copy !req
344. I've been a terrible father.Copy !req
345. Hey, Lise. Thanks.Copy !req
346. Boy, that phony schmaltz
of yours sure is powerful stuff.Copy !req
347. Uh, yeah. But I have
a certain respect...Copy !req
348. for that whole "truth and hard work" thing
that you do.Copy !req
349. You know, Bart, if we combine
your showmanship with my integrity...Copy !req
350. we could make kids
really care about the news.Copy !req
351. You're right. If we work together,
there's no stoppir us.Copy !req
352. The new, improved
Kidz Newz has been canceled.Copy !req
353. Stay tuned for The Mattel And Mars Bar
Quick Energy Chocobot Hour.Copy !req
354. You can count on us, Mr. President.Copy !req
355. Major Nougat, Gooey, Cocoa...Copy !req
356. put down those entertaining
Mattel products.Copy !req
357. Colonel Ga-taffy is up
to his old tricks.Copy !req
358. Let's power up!Copy !req
359. I can't believe
they canceled us for this-Copy !req
360. Shut up!
I'm trying to watch this.Copy !req
361. Chocolate away!Copy !req
362. - Shh.Copy !req