The Simpsons 8x9

Directed by Jim Reardon

Johnny Cash as Space Coyote (voice) • Maggie Roswell as Rod Flanders (voice) • Maggie Roswell as Maude Flanders (voice)

After eating a dish laced with potent peppers during the chili cookoff, Homer has hallucinations where a mystical coyote urges him to find his soulmate.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. D'oh!

2. - Ahh! - (tires screeching)

3. Uh, why do they have to put all this crud

4. in my newspaper?

5. "World,"The Arts," "Religion."

6. A-ha! Here it is.

7. "Kickin' Back!"

8. Hey, who cut something out of my paper?

9. Not me.

10. Not me. I'm more of a mail-tamperer.

11. Well, don't look at me,

12. just because I'm holding a pair of scissors.

13. Scissors, which I need to, uh, to...

14. gussy up these curtains.

15. Hello.

16. Oh, hi, Lenny.

17. No, why would I need a ride this afternoon?

18. Where?

19. To the big annual what?

20. Lenny? Aw, well, if it was big and annual

21. I'm sure they'd have mentioned it in the newspaper.

22. Yeah, it's a lazy, dog-dangling afternoon.

23. But something's a little off.

24. Hey, Marge, you don't smoke.

25. Well, I just felt like filling the house

26. with the rich, satisfying smell of tobacco.

27. You're nuts.

28. I got to get some fresh air.

29. - No, Homie, wait. - What's wrong with you?

30. What are you trying to hide from me?

31. (sniffing) What's that smell?

32. Onions... chili powder... cumin... juicy ground chuck!

33. It's chili! Oh, my God!

34. I'm missing the chili cook-off!

35. I'm missing the cook-off.

36. It's going on right now and I'm missing it.

37. All right, I was trying to keep it from you,

38. but I had a good reason.

39. Every time you go to that cook-off

40. you get drunk as a poet on payday.

41. Remember last year?

42. Look at me.

43. I'm a puffy pink cloud.

44. Yee-hee-hee-ha-ha!

45. Oh!

46. Oh, well, of course

47. everything looks bad if you remember it.

48. Now, where are my chili boots?

49. Ah!

50. Okay, we'll go to the chili cook-off.

51. But I want you to promise me you won't have any beer.

52. Okay, quit nagging me. I won't have any beer.

53. Geez, why don't you have a cigarette or something?

54. Mm, I suppose I could.

55. I'm gonna go get some vegetarian chili

56. before they get desperate and add meat.

57. I'm gonna go claim some valuables

58. at the lost and found.

59. Ooh, look at that adorable spice rack.

60. Eight spices?

61. Oh, some must be doubles.

62. "Oregano"? What the hell...

63. Marge, we're missing the chili.

64. Less artsy, more fartsy.

65. Homer, I happen to like handicrafts

66. much more than stuffing my face.

67. Fine. I'll come find you

68. when I'm ready to stop having fun.

69. Remember your promise— no drinking.

70. Stupor pooper.

71. Howdy, howdy, Marge and Hom—

72. Oh, my mistake.

73. Homer's not even with you.

74. Probably just knocking back a few "refreshments."

75. Thank you for your concern, Helen.

76. Homer isn't drinking today.

77. Oh, I think it's lovely that he said that

78. and that you believed him.

79. Now, Helen, let us not glory in Homer's binge-drinking.

80. There but for the grace of God goes Marge herself.

81. Ooh, man, he's here—

82. The dude with the fireproof stomach.

83. Whoa! Spoon! Spoon! Spoon!

84. They say he carved it himself

85. from a bigger spoon.

86. Five-alarm chili, eh?

87. Mm-hmm.

88. One... two...

89. Hey, what's the big idea?

90. Oh, I admit it.

91. It's only two-alarm, two-and-a-half, tops.

92. I just wanted to be a big man in front of the kids.

93. Daddy, are you going to jail?

94. We'll see, son. We'll see.

95. Evenin', little lady.

96. Do you reckon a square could get a dance?

97. Oh... it looks so complicated.

98. Do you know how?

99. Ma'am, I wouldn't honk the honk if I couldn't tonk the tonk.

100. Woo-woo!

101. Hmm.

102. A bland, timid entry

103. suitable, perhaps, for patients recovering from surgery.

104. That Simpson,

105. he thinks he's the pope of chili town.

106. Well, this year I am ready for him.

107. Hello, Chief.

108. Afternoon, Homer.

109. Care for some chili?

110. I've added an extra ingredient just for you—

111. The merciless peppers of Quetzlzacatenango!

112. Grown deep in the jungle primeval

113. by the inmates of a Guatemalan insane asylum.

114. Uh, Wiggy? My chili's getting cold.

115. Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot!

116. D'oh!

117. Oh, my tongue is burning up!

118. Beer! Baby needs a beer!

119. Homer!

120. You promised you wouldn't drink.

121. But I need it!

122. Yeah.

123. Oh, lousy Wiggum.

124. Now the whole town thinks I'm a chili wuss.

125. Wait, Mister. You're drinking a candle.

126. You don't want to get wax in your mouth, do you?

127. Maybe I do, son.

128. Maybe I do.

129. Outstanding.

130. Hey, everybody, look who's back.

131. It's the big baby!

132. Oh, this porridge is too hot.

133. Oh, waa-waa-waa!

134. Want some more, do you?

135. Well, sure. Heck, it's not my job

136. to talk people out of killing themselves.

137. Ah...

138. More, please.

139. Good Lord, this can't be happening.

140. By all medical logic

141. steam should be shooting out of his ears.

142. His ears if we're lucky.

143. Well, Chief, don't quit your day job—

144. (chuckles) whatever that is.

145. Heh-heh. My finest hour...

146. and Marge wasn't even here to see it.

147. Ooh, I don't feel so good.

148. Flanders, you've got to help me.

149. Sure, buddy. I'd be happy to help out.

150. What can I do... diddly do...

151. diddily-doodily-diddily-hoobily- hobbily-hibbily-gooble-gobble...

152. gooble gabba-gabba-hey?

153. Huh?

154. Goo-goo-ga-joob?

155. Haw! Haw!

156. Haw haw!

157. Mister, do you need some help?

158. Let him go, Ralph.

159. He knows what he's doing.

160. What's happening to me?

161. Okay, retrace your steps.

162. Woke up, fought with Marge,

163. ate Guatemalan insanity peppers.

164. Then I— Ohh.

165. Where am I? Shelbyville?

166. Man, this is crazy.

167. I hope I didn't brain my damage.

168. I better check my pupils.

169. Oh... kay.

170. I think I'm gonna be leaving now.

171. Huh?

172. Sunrise, sunset...

173. Sunrise, sunset...

174. Sunrise, sunset, sunrise, sunset,

175. sunrise, sunset, sunrise...

176. Note to self: Stop doing anything.

177. Has anyone seen Homer?

178. Marge, better you hear it from me

179. than some gossipy neighbor.

180. Homer made a total jackass of himself.

181. Oh, Helen, that's enough. Call off your dogs.

182. But someone had to tell her.

183. And I got here first.

184. - Helen, zip it. - Oh please. Tim.

185. Zip it. Ziparoo.

186. No beer, huh?

187. I guess I know what a promise from Homer J. Simpson is worth.

188. Hey, buddy, get back there with the other rocks.

189. Huh?

190. A tortoise?

191. "Follow... the..."

192. (gasps) This must be why I'm here!

193. Follow the what? Follow the what?

194. Hurry up!

195. Get moving you stupid—

196. When I'm kicking you, that means hurry up.

197. Come on.

198. Oh, you want me to climb that, huh?

199. No problemo.

200. Oh!

201. This is 'cause I kicked you, isn't it?

202. Lis, check it out.

203. I saw it, Bart.

204. You're just mad

205. 'cause there's no clock in your hat.

206. What hat?

207. Ah, this baby's wasted on an idiot like you.

208. Where's Homer?

209. Your father decided that he'd rather come home

210. in a taxi... or a police car.

211. Marge, thank God you're here.

212. Where's the car?

213. Marge? Marge?

214. Oh, now what?

215. If you're still mad at me, I'm gonna be really mad.

216. Come on, Marge, will you..?

217. Fight fair. I never do this to you.

218. Talk to me!

219. Oh, I hate this place.

220. Why am I here?

221. You are on a quest for knowledge.

222. Who said that?

223. Fear not, Homer.

224. I am your spirit guide.

225. Hiya.

226. There is a lesson you must learn.

227. If it's about laying off the insanity peppers

228. I'm way ahead of you.

229. No, I speak of a deeper wisdom.

230. The problem, Homer,

231. is that the mind is always chattering away

232. with a thousand thoughts at once.

233. Yeah, that's me all right.

234. Clarity is the path to inner peace.

235. Well, what should I do? Should I meditate?

236. Should I get rid of all my possessions?

237. Are you kidding? (chuckles)

238. If anything, you should get more possessions.

239. You don't even have a computer.

240. You know, I have been meaning to take a spiritual journey

241. and I—

242. Hey, knock it off!

243. Sorry.

244. I am a coyote.

245. Look, just give me some inner peace

246. or I'll mop the floor with you.

247. Good. Your mind is in a state of readiness.

248. So listen well.

249. To make yourself complete,

250. you must find your soul mate.

251. Soul mate?

252. Your kindred spirit.

253. The one with whom you share an unspoken bond,

254. a profound mystical understanding.

255. That's it?

256. Well, that's Marge. Big deal.

257. Great spiritual quest, Wolfie.

258. My soul mate is Marge.

259. Is it?

260. Hey wait. Come back.

261. Oh.

262. Oh! A ghost train!

263. And so little time to get out of the way.

264. Now less...

265. Now none! (screams)

266. D'oh!

267. Hey, get off the course, you bum!

268. Security.

269. Wha— Golf course?

270. Did I dream that whole thing?

271. Maybe the desert was just a sand trap.

272. Oh, and I bet

273. that crazy pyramid was just the Pro Shop.

274. And that talking coyote was really just a talking dog.

275. Hi, Homer. Find your soul mate.

276. Hey, wait a minute.

277. There's no such thing as a talking dog.

278. Damn straight.

279. So then I says to Mabel, I says—

280. Hi, kids.

281. I'll finish this later. Hi Dad.

282. - Where is your mother? - Out back.

283. So anyway, I says to Mabel, I says—

284. Hi, honey.

285. (singsongy) Oh, I guess you're cranky

286. because I didn't come home last night.

287. I'm "cranky" because my husband got drunk

288. and humiliated me in front of the entire town.

289. You broke your promise, Homer.

290. Oh, honey, I didn't get drunk.

291. I just went to a strange fantasy world.

292. Come on, you got to believe me.

293. You're my soul mate.

294. Don't "soul mate" me!

295. Okay.

296. That coyote said my soul mate would understand me

297. but Marge doesn't understand me at all.

298. Maybe we're not kindred spirits.

299. We don't have anything in common.

300. Look at these records.

301. Jim Nabors, Glen Campbell, The Doodletown Pipers.

302. Now look at her records.

303. They stink!

304. Oh. Maybe I had that crazy dream for a reason.

305. Wherever my soul mate is, it's not here.

306. I always just figured my wife was my soul mate,

307. but if it's not Marge, then who is it?

308. Where do I begin looking?

309. This really goes beyond my training

310. as a furniture salesman, sir.

311. Now, if you don't want the sofa

312. I'll have to ask you to leave.

313. Hey, Barney, soul mate, let me buy you a beer.

314. Okay, but I'm not your soul mate.

315. I'm really more of a chum.

316. - What about you, Lenny? - I'm a crony.

317. - Carl? - I'd say acquaintance.

318. - Colleague. - Sympathizer.

319. - Compadre. - Associate.

320. Contemporary.

321. I'm a well-wisher

322. in that I don't wish you any specific harm.

323. Hello? Is this, uh...

324. G.B.M.?

325. Uh, yeah. I read in the personals

326. you were seeking a soul mate.

327. Well, I also like rainy days and movies.

328. Uh-huh.

329. Uh... no... I don't like that...

330. or that.

331. No, it's not that I'm afraid.

332. I'm gonna hang up now. Bye-bye.

333. Oh... I give up.

334. Find your soul mate, Homer.

335. Find your soul mate.

336. Where? Where?

337. This is just your memory.

338. I can't give you any new information.

339. Huh?

340. What's that blinking light?

341. The lighthouse keeper.

342. The loneliest man in the world.

343. He'll understand me.

344. Earl.

345. My new friend's name is Earl.

346. Here I come, buddy!

347. No more loneliness for Homer and Earl.

348. A machine?

349. Earl's a machine?

350. Oh, that's just perfect.

351. Homer's desperate search for a soul mate has yielded

352. a lighthouse-keeping robot.

353. Oh, wow.

354. Hey, look, is that Dad?

355. Either that or Batman's really let himself go.

356. Alone.

357. Oh, I'm alone.

358. I'm a lonely, insignificant speck

359. on a has-been planet orbited by a cold, indifferent sun.

360. A ship.

361. A ship with people.

362. I know. I'll bring them to me.

363. And then they'll have to be my friends.

364. Come here, people.

365. Arr, matey.

366. Nary a warning light to be seen.

367. 'Tis clear sailing ahead for our precious cargo.

368. Uh... would that be the hot pants, sir?

369. Aye, the hot pants.

370. Well, I won't be lonely for long.

371. Huh? Who's there?

372. Oh, Homer, thank goodness you're safe.

373. - Marge? - I woke up,

374. and you weren't there, and I was so worried.

375. Really? You were?

376. But how did you find me?

377. Well... I was sure you'd be on foot

378. because you always say

379. public transportation is for losers,

380. and I was sure you'd head west

381. because Springfield slopes down that way,

382. and then I saw the lighthouse,

383. and I remembered how you love blinking lights—

384. like the one on the waffle iron.

385. Or that little guy on the "don't walk" sign.

386. - Yeah. - Wow, Marge,

387. you really do understand me.

388. See, I thought we weren't soul mates because—

389. We had a fight?

390. Right, and we don't like the same things.

391. - It's like you're from Venus— - And you're from Mars.

392. Oh sure, give me the one with all the monsters.

393. Homer, don't you see?

394. Our differences are only skin deep.

395. But our sames go right down to the bone.

396. Maybe we do have—

397. A profound mystical understanding?

398. Hey. We do!

399. Oh, Marge!

400. We're number one! We're number one!

401. In your face, space coyote.

402. Space coyote?

403. - (horn blowing) - Oh, my God!

404. - The ship! - We'll all be killed!

405. The light.

406. We got to get the light back on.

407. Jonathan Livingston Seagull!

408. We're on a collision course!

409. Hard a-starboard!

410. Uh, port?

411. Aye, port.

412. They see us.

413. They're starting to turn.

414. We did it.

415. We sure did...

416. soul mate.

417. Look at all them hot pants.

418. Hey, who likes short shorts?

419. We like short shorts!

420. Shh!

421. CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.