The Simpsons 8x6

1. D'oh!

2. - Aah! - (tires screech)

3. Marge, can't we get some clear plates?

4. I can't see the TV.

5. Is it really necessary to watch TV while we're eating?

6. We're getting food all over.

7. Yoink!

8. If you really wanted us to be neater

9. you'd serve us out of one long bowl.

10. You're talking about a trough.

11. We're not going to eat from a trough.

12. And another thing, it's only 5:15.

13. Why are you in your underwear?

14. Hey, this ain't the Ritz.

15. At least let's have a civilized conversation, shall we?

16. Lisa, how was school?

17. How was what? What?

18. School! School!

19. It's not time for school.

20. I know it's not— (groans)

21. I'm going into the dining room

22. to have a conversation.

23. Anyone who wants to join me is welcome.

24. Hello, Marge, how's the family?

25. I don't want to talk about it.

26. Mind your own business.

27. Keep it down in there, everybody.

28. Homer, is this the way you pictured married life?

29. Yeah, pretty much.

30. Except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.

31. Well, I pictured cocktail parties

32. and candlelit dinners.

33. I pictured napkins!

34. Homer, I want to throw a dinner party.

35. Oh, I hate having parties.

36. The toilet always gets backed up.

37. I don't care if the sink shoots sludge.

38. We're having a party.

39. Man, that is flagrant false advertising!

40. It's just not a dinner party without a melon baller

41. and we'll need a citrus zester

42. a ravioli crimper.

43. Ooh, an oyster mallet.

44. "Made in U.S.A."

45. Oh, no, thank you.

46. Hey, Lis, check this out.

47. Nonstick coating.

48. Ooh.

49. A punchbowl like that just screams good taste.

50. Wouldn't it be perfect for the dinner party?

51. Oh, we can't afford that.

52. Who do you think I am, Liz Taylor?

53. Well, maybe we could use it once

54. and then return it.

55. Marge, we're not talking

56. about a toothbrush here.

57. Bart, company's coming.

58. Go put doilies under the coasters. Hurry! Hurry!

59. Lisa, quick, screw these back on.

60. Mom, calm down.

61. The party's not for another three hours.

62. Oh, good.

63. That will give me time

64. to add another coat of glaze to the ham.

65. Homer!

66. What?

67. Are you ready?

68. Just got to put my shoes on.

69. The only thing I asked you to do for this party

70. was put on clothes and you didn't do it.

71. And now it's too late!

72. They're here!

73. Bart, greet our guests and take their coats.

74. Mom, Reverend Lovejoy doesn't have a coat.

75. Should I let him in?

76. My coat was stolen

77. at last week's interfaith banquet

78. so I helped myself

79. to a few of the better umbrellas.

80. Well, as you can see

81. we don't believe fur is murder.

82. But paying for it sure is.

83. Uh, sorry we're late

84. but Luann had to put on her face.

85. She doesn't want anyone to know

86. she's got no eyebrows.

87. What? You don't.

88. Did anyone see that new Woodsy Allen movie?

89. You know, I'd like his films except for

90. that nervous fellow who's always in them.

91. If you want to talk nervous, you should have seen Kirk deal

92. with the high school boys who egged our Bonneville.

93. I should've asked them to hurl some bacon.

94. Then maybe I could've had a decent breakfast for once.

95. You know what you two need?

96. A little comic strip called "Love Is".

97. It's about two naked eight-year-olds who are married.

98. Hmm, well...

99. Marge, if that was my last meal

100. I'd tell the warden, "Bring on the lethal injection".

101. Yeah, Marge, I know I haven't eaten that well

102. since I was in the army.

103. Or that noisily.

104. All right, that's it.

105. So, who wants to play a game?

106. Hmm, hmm, hmm?

107. Oh... That's a noodle scratcher.

108. (gasps): Cornstarch!

109. Oh, righty-oh!

110. It's good for keeping down the urges.

111. Oh, come on, Luann. You know what this is.

112. Kirk, I don't know what it is.

113. Ah, it could not be more simple, Luann.

114. Do you want me to show this to the cat

115. and have the cat tell you what it is?

116. 'Cause the cat's going to get it.

117. I'm sorry I'm not as smart as you, Kirk.

118. We didn't all go to Gudger college.

119. It's "Dignity!" Gahh!

120. Don't you even know dignity when you see it?

121. Kirk, you're spitting.

122. Okay, genius,

123. why don't you draw dignity?

124. - (all exclaiming) - Oh, that's dignity all right.

125. Worthy of Webster's.

126. It's no wonder I can't draw dignity.

127. I gave it up when I married her.

128. Now, Kirk, it's only a game.

129. Sometimes, we—

130. Aw, cram it, churchy!

131. Maybe we should all have a few drinks.

132. I'd have a drink,

133. but it might loosen my tongue.

134. You want to talk? Go ahead, Luann, talk.

135. Why don't you tell them

136. one of your little bedtime stories, huh?

137. Like the one about how rotten it is

138. to be married to a loser.

139. Or how about the one about

140. how I carry a change purse?

141. Yeah, a purse!

142. Shut up and let the woman talk.

143. Okay, Kirk, I'll tell a story.

144. It's about a man whose father-in-law

145. gave him a sweet job as manager of a cracker factory.

146. Boring.

147. A man whose complete lack

148. of business sense and managerial impotence...

149. Ooh, here we go.

150. sent the number-one cracker factory in town

151. into a tie for sixth with Tabletime and Allied Biscuit.

152. You want to hear a secret, everybody?

153. Luann loves it— Loves it—

154. When I fail.

155. Oh, yes, Kirk, I love having to borrow money from my sister.

156. I love having to steal clothes from the church donation box.

157. Oh, sweet Jesus.

158. Lisa, why don't you come sing for us?

159. Oh, great. You got the kid singing.

160. I hope you're happy now.

161. I am not happy

162. and I haven't been happy for a long time.

163. I want a divorce!

164. A... divorce?

165. Sure. Divorce.

166. Hey, you got it, toots

167. and here's a picture even you can figure out.

168. It's a door! Use it!

169. That's a door?

170. Hello, I'm Doctor Hibbert.

171. I'm afraid I'm going to have to amputate your butt.

172. All right, if you think you must.

173. Come on, Milhouse, we are going.

174. Aw, can't I come home later?

175. There's not going to be a home later.

176. Oh, okay.

177. Ta-ta, I'm off to the beauty salon.

178. Good night.

179. Thanks for coming.

180. We'll see you.

181. Bye-bye.

182. Well, I think that went pretty well.

183. What?

184. I feel terrible.

185. The Van Houtens split up at our party.

186. Marge, please.

187. That was 20 minutes ago.

188. I shouldn't have served

189. those North Korean fortune cookies.

190. They were so insulting: "You are a coward."

191. No one likes to hear that after a nice meal.

192. You can't keep blaming yourself.

193. Just blame yourself once and move on.

194. You know who the real victim is in all of this—

195. Milhouse.

196. Hey, Van Houten, I heard your folks broke up.

197. Aren't you going to say, "Ha-ha"?

198. Oh, by no means.

199. My dad left my mom

200. after she got hooked on cough drops.

201. By the end, her breath was so fresh...

202. she wasn't really my mother anymore.

203. Oh.

204. So I guess I'm not alone.

205. Ah, you'll do fine.

206. My divorce was tough on my kid

207. but he got over it.

208. I sleep in a drawer.

209. I must say, Luann, you're really

210. handling this splendidly.

211. From now on, forget everything you thought you knew

212. about Luann Van Houten.

213. Actually, Luann, I don't really

214. know anything about you.

215. Forget it. She's gone.

216. Presto-chango!

217. Kaboom!

218. Sweet Fanny Adams!

219. Bye-bye!

220. Singles life is great, homer.

221. I can do whatever I want.

222. Today I drank a beer in the bathroom.

223. The one down the hall.

224. Yeah. And another great thing:

225. you get your own bed.

226. I sleep in a racing car. Do you?

227. I sleep in a big bed with my wife.

228. Oh. Yeah.

229. Hey, there, Kirk.

230. Oh, boy, what's going on?

231. Patio party?

232. No. A possum drowned in the pool.

233. You have any garbage bags?

234. Uh, just throw it over the fence.

235. Let Arby's worry about it.

236. That's Jerry.

237. He's a major player down at the sewing store.

238. Well, thanks for introducing me.

239. Oh, don't worry, Homer.

240. You know me

241. and I'm a superstar at the cracker factory.

242. You're letting me go?

243. Kirk, crackers are a family food.

244. Happy families.

245. Maybe single people eat crackers; we don't know.

246. Frankly, we don't want to know.

247. It's a market we could do without.

248. So that's it— After 20 years

249. so long, good luck?

250. I don't recall saying good luck.

251. And the winner of the Milhouse 500 is...

252. Milhouse!

253. Milhouse, are you sure

254. you want to drive that inside?

255. Yes.

256. Okay. Be careful, sweet, sweet treasure.

257. God, I missed you, Lu-Lu.

258. Chase...

259. It's only been three hours.

260. Who's Chase?

261. Oh. That's mom's new boyfriend.

262. Hey, I know you from American Gladiators.

263. You're Pyro!

264. Only on weekends.

265. During the week

266. I'm just your average work-a-day stuntman.

267. Really?

268. Go ahead. Break a chair on me.

269. Wow! Thanks.

270. Okay, boys, I got to go.

271. Come on, Lu-Lu, let's roll.

272. Ow! Gee. Ow!

273. What the hell is wrong with you?

274. Geez, sor-ry.

275. It's a pretty standard stunt, Homer.

276. Homer, get ready!

277. For what?

278. Remember? Luann and Chase

279. are taking us out to hear Spalding Gray.

280. I don't want to go to that.

281. You said you'd do it as a favor to me.

282. That doesn't sound like something I'd say.

283. Fine. I'll go without you.

284. Okay. Love ya.

285. Homer, I want you to meet my new special lady.

286. Say hello to Starla.

287. Can I have the keys to the car, lover?

288. I feel like changing wigs.

289. Okay.

290. Starla's a temp at K-ZOG radio 530.

291. She's going to help me launch my singing career.

292. My car!

293. Oh, my demo tape!

294. "Can I Borrow a Feeling?"

295. "Can I Borrow a Feeling?"

296. That's your picture on the front.

297. Go ahead, Homer, laugh at me.

298. I already did.

299. You know why all this happened, don't you?

300. 'Cause I took my marriage for granted.

301. You know, in 12 years

302. I never once helped out with the housework?

303. Oh, yeah, you got to do that.

304. I could've at least stayed in shape for her.

305. Oh, and for yourself.

306. I could've taken just a little time

307. to make her feel special.

308. It can't just be sex. It can't.

309. God, I was so self-centered.

310. No wonder I didn't see it coming.

311. That's how it is, though.

312. One day your wife is making you your favorite meal

313. the next day you're thawing a hot dog

314. in a gas station sink.

315. Oh, that's tough, pal.

316. But it's never going to happen to me.

317. Well, how do you know?

318. What makes you guys so special?

319. 'Cause Marge and I have one thing

320. that can never be broken:

321. A strong marriage built on a solid foundation of routine.

322. Marge, I'm home.

323. Where are you?

324. Are you okay?

325. I don't smell dinner.

326. "Dear Homer..." Aw.

327. "Sorry you didn't want to join me tonight.

328. "I left you hot dogs for dinner.

329. They're thawing in the sink."

330. Hi, Dad.

331. You know, there's buns in the cabinet.

332. Lisa, wait.

333. I know you're only eight years old

334. and I don't want to put a lot of pressure on you

335. but you've got to save my marriage.

336. Oh. Okay. Can I stay up?

337. Mmm... all right.

338. As you know, there's been

339. a lot of talk about divorce lately

340. and I think your mom might not be happy with me.

341. You've done a lot of crazy stuff over the years

342. and she stood by you.

343. Why would she leave you now?

344. 'Cause there's lots of stuff she doesn't know about.

345. You mean, like your poker shack out in the swamp?

346. Mm-hmm.

347. She knows.

348. Oh, I knew this would happen.

349. Our whole marriage started off on the wrong foot.

350. Dearly beloved, we are gathered

351. in the sight of God and this casino to join...

352. Homer.

353. - And... - Marge.

354. In holy matrimony.

355. By the power vested in me by the state gaming commission

356. I pronounce you man and wife.

357. Here's ten dollars worth of chips.

358. You may kiss the bride.

359. Mm...

360. See?

361. You don't have to spend a lot of money

362. to have a first-class wedding reception.

363. It's getting less and less likely

364. you're going to yell "Surprise"

365. and have all my friends jump out.

366. "Levi's."

367. Hey, you think that truck is full of jeans?

368. You're very lucky to have mom.

369. That's your advice? Go to bed.

370. Good morning.

371. You know, Marge, I was thinking

372. about how much I enjoy your interests

373. so I wandered over

374. to that theater you went to last night

375. and I bought tickets to their entire season.

376. Look, Mostly Madrigal.

377. Hey, that might be good.

378. Oh, oh, An Evening with Philip Glass.

379. Just an evening?

380. Voices of the Elderly Poor. Hmm...

381. Homey, I appreciate this

382. but I'd really like to get some sleep.

383. Oh, of course, my sweet.

384. I'll just make some soothing ocean sounds for you.

385. Arr, matey.

386. Armando, don't you think you're taking a lot off—

387. Homer, what are you doing?

388. I wanted to surprise you with a kicky summer do.

389. How many husbands would do that for their wives?

390. None— They'd have more sense than that.

391. Ooh... you're feisty.

392. I'm going to give you a Madonna cut.

393. Mmm! Homer

394. I don't need you around me 24 hours a day.

395. I'm a grown woman.

396. I can take care of myself.

397. Now will you please just go away?

398. Oh... I just made things worse.

399. A few clumsy gestures aren't going to make up

400. for ten years of neglect.

401. Marge deserves someone who will treat her right.

402. Marge deserves a fresh start.

403. I'd like to file for...

404. divorce.

405. These things happen. Eight dollars.

406. Only three cavities, Bart.

407. Your best checkup ever.

408. I'm going to make you my specialty—

409. Butterscotch chicken.

410. Marge?

411. Can you come in here?

412. We need to talk.

413. Surprise!

414. Surprise.

415. Marge, will you marry me?

416. Why, am I pregnant?

417. No.

418. It's a second wedding, honey.

419. Our first one was so crummy, I had to make it up to you.

420. I really love you.

421. Oh, Homey.

422. I know you love me.

423. We don't need to get married again.

424. Yes, we do.

425. I got us a divorce this afternoon.

426. What?

427. I didn't want a hokey second wedding

428. like those ones on TV.

429. This one is for real.

430. I want our marriage to be perfect

431. right from the start

432. so we don't end up like Kirk and Luann.

433. We never will.

434. Dearly beloved—

435. Wait.

436. I want one last chance to enjoy single life.

437. Okay, ready.

438. I will now

439. read these special vows

440. which Homer has prepared for this occasion.

441. "Do you, Marge, take Homer

442. in richness and in poorness," "Poorness" is underlined—

443. "In impotence and in potence

444. "In quiet solitude

445. "Or blasting across the Alkali Flats

446. in a jet-powered, monkey-navigated..."

447. And it goes on like this.

448. It doesn't matter.

449. All I want to know is

450. will you make me the luckiest guy in the world...

451. again?

452. I will.

453. Oh, Homey, of course I will.

454. Come on, you stupid... (grunts)

455. By the power vested in me

456. I now pronounce you husband and wife.

457. It's the most perfect wedding

458. I could ever ask for.

459. You've even got a hip rock 'n' roll combo.

460. Okay, everybody, who likes the Doobie Brothers?

461. 'Cause we've got one of them.

462. What a wonderful evening.

463. A magical way for two people to renew their love.

464. Marge is right.

465. I-I've got something I'd like to say.

466. Would you guys do a favor for a guy in love?

467. - Sure. - Yeah.

468. That's why we're here.

469. Hi, everybody.

470. Hi.

471. And hit it!

472. How about it, Luann?

473. Will you marry me... again?

474. Ooh, no.

475. Ohh...

476. Well...

477. Uh, can I have my shirts back, at least?

478. Okay, you heard the lady.

479. Why don't you take it outside, all right?

480. Uh, I'll be back.

481. Prob-probably.

482. Shh!

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