1. The Simpsons.Copy !req
2. What a perfect outing
for a beautiful autumn day.Copy !req
3. I feel sorry for everyone
who's cooped up insideCopy !req
4. watching the seventh game
of the world series.Copy !req
5. Yeah. They won't
learn anything about apples today.Copy !req
6. and the cider mill operated
continuously until 1941Copy !req
7. when its workers left to
fight in the second world war.Copy !req
8. When they returned,Copy !req
9. the old girl was
just as they'd left herCopy !req
10. only now, she was infestedCopy !req
11. with thousands
upon thousands of rats.Copy !req
12. Right.Copy !req
13. And if you listen
real carefully,Copy !req
14. you can still hear them
gnawing away at the applesCopy !req
15. and splashing around
in the toilets.Copy !req
16. And that concludes
this portion of the tour.Copy !req
17. One of the most
historically significantCopy !req
18. fruit presses
in this part of the state.Copy !req
19. Based on a German designCopy !req
20. but modified
for larger American apples...Copy !req
21. Well, if god didn't make
little green applesCopy !req
22. it's Homer Simpson.Copy !req
23. How long
have you been here?Copy !req
24. 20 of the suckiest minutes
of my life.Copy !req
25. Oh, sucking down
the cider, huh?Copy !req
26. Hey, word to the wise...
Season pass.Copy !req
27. Pays for itself
after the 16th visit.Copy !req
28. You know, most people
don't know the differenceCopy !req
29. between apple cider
and apple juice, but I do.Copy !req
30. Here's a little trick
to help you remember.Copy !req
31. If it's clear and yella,
you've got juice there, fella.Copy !req
32. If it's tangy and brown,
you're in cider town.Copy !req
33. Now, there's two exceptions,
and it gets tricky here...Copy !req
34. You can stay, but I'm leaving.Copy !req
35. can be yellow if they're
using late season apples.Copy !req
36. And, of course, in Canada,
the whole thing's flip-flopped.Copy !req
37. Oh my, I better get you
some cider.Copy !req
38. Next to spring and winterCopy !req
39. fall is my absolute
favorite season.Copy !req
40. Just look at all
this beautiful "foilage".Copy !req
41. It's not "foilage," Mom.
It's "foliage."Copy !req
42. Foliage.Copy !req
43. That's what I said, "foilage".Copy !req
44. It doesn't takeCopy !req
45. a "nucular" scientist
to pronounce "foilage".Copy !req
46. Honestly, SmithersCopy !req
47. I don't know why Harvard
even bothers to show up.Copy !req
48. They barely even won.Copy !req
49. Their cheating was
even more rampantCopy !req
50. than last year, sir.Copy !req
51. Well, I say let Harvard have
its football and academics.Copy !req
52. Yale will always be first
in gentlemanly club life.Copy !req
53. Why, every friend I have,
I made right here.Copy !req
54. Hello, Burnsie.Copy !req
55. It's your old roomie, Dink.Copy !req
56. Steady... Steady...Copy !req
57. Nicely played, sir.Copy !req
58. Attention, passengers.Copy !req
59. The train has been
temporarily delayedCopy !req
60. because of a discarded couch
on the tracks.Copy !req
61. Looks like
some sort of a couch.Copy !req
62. This might
take a while, Smithers.Copy !req
63. Why don't you get drunk
and stumble aroundCopy !req
64. comically
for my amusement?Copy !req
65. I'll be a one-man conga line.Copy !req
66. Customers. Thank God.Copy !req
67. Papa needs
a new pair of everything.Copy !req
68. Hey, how you doing?Copy !req
69. Welcome to scenic WaynesportCopy !req
70. and remember your visit
with a googly-eyed walnut.Copy !req
71. How about a googly-eyed rock?Copy !req
72. Some nice local squash candy?Copy !req
73. A stretched-out Pepsi bottle?Copy !req
74. Come on.Copy !req
75. If this stuff
is too nice for you,Copy !req
76. I've got some crap.Copy !req
77. Hey, Casey Jones,Copy !req
78. where's this train headed?Copy !req
79. Springfield.Copy !req
80. Yeah, yeah.
What state?Copy !req
81. I can honestly sayCopy !req
82. that was the most fun
I've ever had.Copy !req
83. The mill, the history,
all that gorgeous... foliage.Copy !req
84. I can't "excape" Lisa,
our little walking "libary".Copy !req
85. Can't they get a pole
for that sign?Copy !req
86. That's a hitchhiker,
Homer.Copy !req
87. Let's pick him up.Copy !req
88. No!
What if he's crazy?Copy !req
89. And what if he's not?
Then we'd look like idiots.Copy !req
90. We're not picking him up.Copy !req
91. - Oh, yes, we are.
- There's not enough room.Copy !req
92. Yes, there is.Copy !req
93. I just don't think
it's a good idea.Copy !req
94. And I think it's
the best idea I've ever had.Copy !req
95. We're picking up the weirdo,
and that's final.Copy !req
96. Hey, you folks are
all right.Copy !req
97. Man, it was rough
getting a ride out there.Copy !req
98. The only car
that stopped was a hearseCopy !req
99. that thought I fell out.Copy !req
100. It was rough, I tell you.Copy !req
101. Careful of the apple pie
on the seat.Copy !req
102. Grandpa, are you sitting
on the pie?Copy !req
103. I sure hope so.Copy !req
104. I'm looking for this guy.
Anybody know who he is?Copy !req
105. Yeah, sure, we know him.
That's Mr. Burns.Copy !req
106. He tried to kill our puppies.Copy !req
107. He sexually harassed me.Copy !req
108. He stole my fiancee.Copy !req
109. He made fun of my weight.Copy !req
110. Okay, so there's been
a little friction.Copy !req
111. Know his address?Copy !req
112. Ho, this guy's got more bread
than a prison meat loaf.Copy !req
113. He's rich, I tell you.Copy !req
114. I never seen a place
with a walk-in mailbox.Copy !req
115. Hey, who am I talking to?Copy !req
116. Yes?Copy !req
117. Yeah. Uh...
Hi. My name is Larry.Copy !req
118. I'm here to see Mr. Burns.Copy !req
119. Well, I hate
to break it to you, LarryCopy !req
120. but if Mr. Burns
ever wants to see a strangerCopy !req
121. he will observe him
through a powerful telescope.Copy !req
122. - Now...
- Smithers, what's going on?Copy !req
123. How dare you interrupt
my lime rickey!Copy !req
124. State your business.Copy !req
125. Well, uh... Sheesh, uh...Copy !req
126. I'm a little nervous here.Copy !req
127. What I'm trying to say
is I'm...Copy !req
128. You're what?
Selling light bulbs?Copy !req
129. Worried about the whales?Copy !req
130. Keen on Jesus?
Out with it.Copy !req
131. Well, Mr. Burns, I'm your son.Copy !req
132. Oh, and I stepped on
one of your peacocks.Copy !req
133. You got a paper towel?Copy !req
134. It's true.Copy !req
135. He is my son.Copy !req
136. Hey, now you're talking.Copy !req
137. Good God.Copy !req
138. Pop, don't get me wrong,
it's great to be here.Copy !req
139. But how does a guy
like you wind upCopy !req
140. with a son like me?Copy !req
141. Larry, my lad,
I've gone over this storyCopy !req
142. in my mind a million times.Copy !req
143. It was 1941.Copy !req
144. The... No, '39.Copy !req
145. My 25th Yale reunion.Copy !req
146. Who should appear
but the unrequited loveCopy !req
147. of my college years,
Mimsie Bancroft.Copy !req
148. Of course, by then, Mimsie
had her share of wrinklesCopy !req
149. and a gray hair or two
but my adoring eyesCopy !req
150. saw past those
minor imperfectionsCopy !req
151. to her 21-year-old
daughter, lily.Copy !req
152. I took Lily
to the local cinematoriumCopy !req
153. where our passions
were inflamedCopy !req
154. by Clark Gable's reckless
use of the word "Damn".Copy !req
155. We sneaked into
the nearby Peabody Museum.Copy !req
156. There, under the smiling eyes
of four stuffed eskimosCopy !req
157. we expressed
our love physicallyCopy !req
158. as was the style
at the time.Copy !req
159. How do you like that?
I have been in a museum.Copy !req
160. So, what happened
with you and ma?Copy !req
161. There was
a terrible scandal.Copy !req
162. Lily's family forced her
to give you upCopy !req
163. and bundled her off to
a convent in the south seas.Copy !req
164. I never heard
from her again.Copy !req
165. But I prattle on.Copy !req
166. Tell me everything
about your life.Copy !req
167. Oh, what's to tell?Copy !req
168. I was at the orphanage
till I was 18.Copy !req
169. Then I got my job
at a souvenir stand.Copy !req
170. Oh, and once,
I saw a blimp.Copy !req
171. Well, you must be tired.Copy !req
172. Let me
show you your room.Copy !req
173. Oh, is this posh!Copy !req
174. Pop, nobody's
ever been so nice to me.Copy !req
175. Yes, yes.Copy !req
176. All right.Copy !req
177. Good to see you too.Copy !req
178. Now then,
in case you get bored,Copy !req
179. here's the playroom.Copy !req
180. You can't just eat the orange
and throw the peel away!Copy !req
181. A man's not a piece of fruit!Copy !req
182. This show was supposed
to close last week!Copy !req
183. Close this show!
Close it, I say.Copy !req
184. Hey, don't worry about it.Copy !req
185. You're all right.Copy !req
186. Hey, you're
that hitchhiker.Copy !req
187. What are you doing here?Copy !req
188. Learning
the family business.Copy !req
189. I'm Larry Burns,
the boss' son.Copy !req
190. Yeah, relax.
I don't want to work.Copy !req
191. I'm so lazy, I took
lessons on a player piano.Copy !req
192. Wow, that's really lazy.Copy !req
193. Lazy?
You're not kidding.Copy !req
194. I'm like a rug on valium.
I'm talkin' lazy.Copy !req
195. So lazy.Copy !req
196. And Larry and I have
so much in common, Marge,Copy !req
197. way more than
you and me.Copy !req
198. If I could be stranded
on an island with anyoneCopy !req
199. it would definitely be Larry.Copy !req
200. I think
we've heard enoughCopy !req
201. about Larry Burns
for one evening.Copy !req
202. Why? It's not like
anything interesting happenedCopy !req
203. to anyone else today.Copy !req
204. Hey, Pop, this crowd
is pretty swanky.Copy !req
205. I'm not gonna fit in here.Copy !req
206. Nonsense, Larry.Copy !req
207. Your blood is bluer
than any of theirs.Copy !req
208. Just give them a snootful
of the old Burns charm.Copy !req
209. Oh, Admiral Carstairs.Copy !req
210. I'd like you to meet
my son, Larry.Copy !req
211. Hey, skipper,
good to meet you.Copy !req
212. Where'd you start out,
on the Merrimack?Copy !req
213. Hey, I should talk.Copy !req
214. I hope I look that
good when I'm 200.Copy !req
215. Such insubordination!Copy !req
216. Larry, please.Copy !req
217. He's very sensitive
about his age.Copy !req
218. Oh, Monty,
this must be the sonCopy !req
219. I've heard
so much about.Copy !req
220. Larry, you must meet
our daughter, the debutante.Copy !req
221. She came out last spring.Copy !req
222. Whoa! Put her back in.Copy !req
223. She's not done yet.Copy !req
224. Smithers, there's something
a bit odd about young Larry.Copy !req
225. I can't quite put
my finger on it.Copy !req
226. Well, he is a bit rough
around the edges, sir.Copy !req
227. One might blame his truly
heroic intake of cocktails.Copy !req
228. Pull up a seat, Pop.
You, too, Chuckles.Copy !req
229. I mean,
the food ain't greatCopy !req
230. but the portions
are terrific.Copy !req
231. Hey, I'm kidding. Relax.Copy !req
232. Hey, give my regards
to Mrs. Boy-ar-dee.Copy !req
233. A total lack of refinement.Copy !req
234. Smithers, send for the boys
at Yale admissions, hmm?Copy !req
235. Well, did you meet Larry?Copy !req
236. Oh, yes.Copy !req
237. He made light
of my weight problem.Copy !req
238. Then suggested my motto
should be "Semper fudge."Copy !req
239. At that point,
he told me to "Relax."Copy !req
240. How were his test scores?Copy !req
241. Let's just say this...Copy !req
242. He spelled "Yale"
with a six.Copy !req
243. I see. Well, I...Copy !req
244. Oh, you know,
I just rememberedCopy !req
245. it's time
for my annual donation.Copy !req
246. I wonder
how much I should give.Copy !req
247. Well, frankly,
test scores like Larry'sCopy !req
248. would call for a
very generous contribution.Copy !req
249. For example, a score of 400Copy !req
250. would require a donation
of new football uniformsCopy !req
251. 300, a new dormitory,
and in Larry's caseCopy !req
252. we would need
an international airport.Copy !req
253. Yale could use an international airport,
Mr. Burns.Copy !req
254. Are you mad?Copy !req
255. I'm not made of airports!Copy !req
256. Get out!Copy !req
257. Summon my son at once.Copy !req
258. It appears
he's gone drinkin', sir.Copy !req
259. Everybody go nuts!
I'm buying!Copy !req
260. Hey, handsome,
send the bill to my dad.Copy !req
261. Okay, but the last guy
who charged a drink to BurnsCopy !req
262. turned up in a landfill.Copy !req
263. Yeah, but it was worth it.Copy !req
264. What's everybody
in this burgCopy !req
265. have against my dad?Copy !req
266. He's a pussycat.Copy !req
267. I tell you,
he's a doll-baby.Copy !req
268. Come on over,
I'll show you.Copy !req
269. Oh, this is some party.Copy !req
270. If it gets any livelier,Copy !req
271. a funeral's
going to break out.Copy !req
272. Quiet, you.Copy !req
273. Nobody likes a comedian.Copy !req
274. Geez. Come on, Dad.Copy !req
275. We got company.Copy !req
276. Make with the yakkety-yak-yak.Copy !req
277. Oh... "Yakkety-yak-yak."Copy !req
278. You, foodbag.Copy !req
279. Do you have a son?Copy !req
280. Yes, sir, I do.Copy !req
281. And is he a constant
disappointment?Copy !req
282. Does he bring home nitwits
and make you talk to them?Copy !req
283. Oh, all the time!Copy !req
284. Have you ever heard
of this kid Milhouse?Copy !req
285. He's a little wiener...Copy !req
286. Fascinating.
Good night.Copy !req
287. Dad, what's
with you tonight?Copy !req
288. I mean, I'm getting
frostbite over here.Copy !req
289. I'll tell you
what's with me.Copy !req
290. The humiliation of havingCopy !req
291. a coarse, boorish
ignoramus for a son!Copy !req
292. Uh, I should go.Copy !req
293. What's the matter, Pop?Copy !req
294. Don't you love me anymore?Copy !req
295. Sheesh, Dad and I,
we started out greatCopy !req
296. but now it's falling apart
like a Chinese motorcycle.Copy !req
297. It's so unfair.Copy !req
298. You're everything
a dad could hope for.Copy !req
299. Yeah, I tell you,
I don't get no regard.Copy !req
300. No regard at all.Copy !req
301. No esteem, either.Copy !req
302. Larry, there's
only one sure wayCopy !req
303. to make him realize
how much he loves you.Copy !req
304. And that...Copy !req
305. is a phony kidnapping.Copy !req
306. Yeah, right.
I don't know.Copy !req
307. Maybe I should
just leave town.Copy !req
308. Phony kidnapping.Copy !req
309. Nah.Copy !req
310. I know what I got to do.Copy !req
311. I got to clean up my act.Copy !req
312. No more joking around
all the time.Copy !req
313. No more slacking off at work.Copy !req
314. And most important:
No more booze.Copy !req
315. I know I can do it.Copy !req
316. "Your son has been kidnapped."Copy !req
317. I can't believe someone
would kidnap my Larry.Copy !req
318. I won't rest until
he's returned to me.Copy !req
319. Not to be impertinent, sir,
but didn't you want LarryCopy !req
320. out of your life as recently
as two hours ago?Copy !req
321. It's the principle, Smithers.Copy !req
322. Nobody steals
from Montgomery BurnsCopy !req
323. whether it be
my Sunday newspaperCopy !req
324. or my loutish oaf
of a son.Copy !req
325. All right, Mr. B.,Copy !req
326. when the kidnappers call
with the ransom demandCopy !req
327. you tell them
you'll leave the moneyCopy !req
328. under the big net in the park.Copy !req
329. And then down comes
the net, right, chief?Copy !req
330. Hey, I like it.Copy !req
331. I like it a lot.Copy !req
332. What are you doing
in the basement?Copy !req
333. It's like you're hiding out
down here.Copy !req
334. Hiding out?Copy !req
335. Marge, you've been reading
too many hideout books.Copy !req
336. What's that hitchhiker
doing here?Copy !req
337. Is every drifter we meet
going to move in with us?Copy !req
338. Of course not.Copy !req
339. We'll decide that on
a drifter-by-drifter basis.Copy !req
340. He's not a drifter, Mom.
That's Mr. Burns's son, Larry.Copy !req
341. He's great at pointing out
everyone's foibles.Copy !req
342. Hey! How are you doing?Copy !req
343. Hoo, look at your hair.Copy !req
344. What happened?
You saw yourself in the mirror?Copy !req
345. He's kidding, Mom.Copy !req
346. But seriously, I'd love
to have hair like yours.Copy !req
347. I just can't get
the zoning permits.Copy !req
348. Hey, that reminds me, Mom...
Buckingham palace called.Copy !req
349. They want their hat back.Copy !req
350. Hey, kids, how about
a hand for your mom?Copy !req
351. She's all right.Copy !req
352. - Yeah, Mom!
- All right, Mom!Copy !req
353. Oh. Yeah. Thank you.Copy !req
354. Ahoy-hoy?Copy !req
355. Hello, Mr. Burns.Copy !req
356. This is the kidnapper.Copy !req
357. Do you miss your son?Copy !req
358. Yes, I'm missing
one son.Copy !req
359. Return it immediately.Copy !req
360. If you really
love Larry, prove it,Copy !req
361. and you can
have him back today.Copy !req
362. Oh, how much proof
do you need?Copy !req
363. 5,000? 6,000?Copy !req
364. I swear,
that's all I've got.Copy !req
365. Don't you care
about your son?Copy !req
366. This is more important
than money.Copy !req
367. More important
than money?Copy !req
368. Who is this?Copy !req
369. Uh... just a second.Copy !req
370. Beautiful. Eddie, did you
trace the phone number?Copy !req
371. Sure did, chief.Copy !req
372. 555... Aw, geez,
that's got to be phony.Copy !req
373. Hey, I think I got a pai gow.Copy !req
374. I hate pai gow.Copy !req
375. Can't we just play quang jong?Copy !req
376. Can't we just
go upstairs?Copy !req
377. No!Copy !req
378. This is Kent Brockman
in Choppercopter 6Copy !req
379. with a special report.Copy !req
380. Montgomery Burns's son
has been kidnapped.Copy !req
381. Kidnapped?Copy !req
382. Marge, it's not
a real kidnapping.Copy !req
383. It's a simple hoax
to win a father's love.Copy !req
384. You know how I feel
about hoaxes.Copy !req
385. Still?Copy !req
386. I want you to take
Larry backCopy !req
387. to Mr. Burns right nowCopy !req
388. before you get in
a lot of trouble.Copy !req
389. What!Copy !req
390. But, Marge, it's
broad daylightCopy !req
391. and there's
cops everywhere.Copy !req
392. No excuses.
Just do it.Copy !req
393. Of course
we'll bring you updatesCopy !req
394. just as soon as they...Copy !req
395. Oh, wait a minute!
There they are!Copy !req
396. Larry Burns and his kidnapper.Copy !req
397. Appearing in broad daylight
with police everywhere...Copy !req
398. Ladies and gentlemen, there's
only one word for that:Copy !req
399. Idiocy.Copy !req
400. We've got to find
someplace to hide.Copy !req
401. The abandoned warehouse.Copy !req
402. Stupid economic recovery.Copy !req
403. Hey, buy a costume
or get out, fellas.Copy !req
404. We've got to find someplace
no one will ever go.Copy !req
405. Hello!Copy !req
406. Drive faster, Grandma!Copy !req
407. Grandma's gaining on us!Copy !req
408. They'll never look
for us here.Copy !req
409. This place is emptier
than a Scottish pay toilet.Copy !req
410. Some people are trying
to watch the movie.Copy !req
411. You don't like it,
call the cops.Copy !req
412. This is Kent Brockman,
live from the Aztec theaterCopy !req
413. where police have learnedCopy !req
414. that kidnapper Homer Simpson
and hostage Larry BurnsCopy !req
415. are inside talking loudly.Copy !req
416. Oh, give yourself up, Homie!Copy !req
417. No, Dad!
Shoot your way out!Copy !req
418. A bloody end
for Homer Simpson...Copy !req
419. is just one of several
possible outcomesCopy !req
420. according to our
computer simulation.Copy !req
421. Now here's how it would look
if the police killed himCopy !req
422. with a barrage of baseballs.Copy !req
423. We've got to go
down there and help dad.Copy !req
424. Ouch! Oooch!
Eeech! Ouch! Oooch!Copy !req
425. Oh, stop it!Copy !req
426. Still warm.Copy !req
427. They can't be far.Copy !req
428. Chief!Copy !req
429. Don't be a fool, Simpson.Copy !req
430. Let the kid go.Copy !req
431. The negotiations have failed.
Shoot him!Copy !req
432. Wait!Copy !req
433. Wait? What do
you mean, wait?Copy !req
434. I mean,
Homer's no kidnapper.Copy !req
435. He's the best friend
I ever had.Copy !req
436. We faked the whole thing.Copy !req
437. I should have known
you're the only oneCopy !req
438. stupid enough
to kidnap you.Copy !req
439. Now get down here
so I can spank youCopy !req
440. in front of this
gawking rabble.Copy !req
441. Smithers, take off
my belt.Copy !req
442. With pleasure, sir.Copy !req
443. Hold on, Mr. Burns.Copy !req
444. Maybe we did fake
a kidnappingCopy !req
445. but is that really
such a crime?Copy !req
446. All your son wanted
was a little attention,Copy !req
447. a little love.Copy !req
448. I'm a father myself, sir.Copy !req
449. And sure,
sometimes my kidsCopy !req
450. can be obnoxious...
or boring... or stinkyCopy !req
451. but they can always count
on one thing:Copy !req
452. Their father's
unconditional love.Copy !req
453. Well, how about it, Pop?Copy !req
454. I know it's toughCopy !req
455. but can you love me
for what I am?Copy !req
456. Well...Copy !req
457. There, there, sonny boy.Copy !req
458. I suppose I have been
a bit...Copy !req
459. Oh, no, I can't do it.Copy !req
460. It's just not me.Copy !req
461. I'm sorry, LarryCopy !req
462. I can't be the family
that you need.Copy !req
463. Aw, that's okay.
I got a wife and kids.Copy !req
464. Oh, that reminds me.Copy !req
465. They're probably wondering
where I went.Copy !req
466. I told them I'm going
for coffee.Copy !req
467. That was a week ago.Copy !req
468. Well, Son, delighted
to have met you.Copy !req
469. It's good to knowCopy !req
470. that there's another
kidney out there for me.Copy !req
471. You got it, Pop.Copy !req
472. Just let me run a few
pints through it first.Copy !req
473. As long as everybody's here...Copy !req
474. Let's party!Copy !req
475. Any way you want it,
that's the way you need it.Copy !req
476. Any way you want it.Copy !req
477. Who's playing
that music?Copy !req
478. And where is all that liquor
coming from?Copy !req
479. It's a party, Marge.Copy !req
480. It doesn't have
to make sense.Copy !req
481. She loves to move,
she loves to groove.Copy !req
482. Oh, yeah!Copy !req
483. She loves
the lovin' things.Copy !req
484. Oh, all night.Copy !req
485. All night.Copy !req
486. Oh, every night.Copy !req
487. So hold tight.Copy !req
488. Hold tight.Copy !req
489. Oh, baby, hold tight.Copy !req
490. She said
any way you want it.Copy !req
491. That's the way
you need it.Copy !req
492. Any way you want it.Copy !req
493. She said
any way you want it.Copy !req
494. That's the way
you need it.Copy !req
495. Any way you want it.Copy !req
496. I was aloneCopy !req
497. I never knew.Copy !req
498. What good love could do.Copy !req
499. Then we touched.Copy !req
500. Then we sang.Copy !req
501. About the lovin' things.Copy !req
502. Oh, all night.Copy !req
503. All night.Copy !req
504. Oh, every night...Copy !req
505. ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.Copy !req