1. D'oh!Copy !req
2. What a perfect outing
for a beautiful autumn day.Copy !req
3. I feel sorry for everyone
who's cooped up inside...Copy !req
4. watching the seventh game
of the World Series.Copy !req
5. Yeah, they won't learn
anything about apples today.Copy !req
6. And the cider mill operated
continuously until 1941...Copy !req
7. when its workers left to fight
in the Second World War.Copy !req
8. When they returned,
the old girl was just as they'd left her...Copy !req
9. only now she was infested
with thousands upon thousands of rats.Copy !req
10. Right. And if you listen
real carefully...Copy !req
11. you can still hear them
gnawing away at the apples...Copy !req
12. and splashing around
in the toilets.Copy !req
13. And that concludes
this portion of the tour.Copy !req
14. One of the most historically
significant fruit presses...Copy !req
15. - in this part of the state-Copy !req
16. was based on a German design,
but modified for the larger American apple.Copy !req
17. Well, if God didn't make little green apples,
it's Homer Simpson.Copy !req
18. - How long have you been here?
- Twenty of the suckiest minutes of my life.Copy !req
19. Oh, sucking down the cider, huh?
Hey, word to the wise- season pass.Copy !req
20. Pays for itself
after the 16th visit.Copy !req
21. You know, most people
don't know the difference...Copy !req
22. between apple cider
and apple juice.Copy !req
23. But I do. Now, here's a little trick
to help you remember.Copy !req
24. If it's clear and yella,
you've got juice there, fella.Copy !req
25. If it's tangy and brown,
you're in cider town.Copy !req
26. Now, there's two exceptions and it gets kind of-Copy !req
27. Oh! You can stay, but I'm leaving.Copy !req
28. And of course in Canada,
the whole thing's flip-flopped.Copy !req
29. Oh, my!
I better get you some cider.Copy !req
30. Next to spring and winter,
fall is my absolute favorite season.Copy !req
31. Just look at all
this beautiful "foilage."Copy !req
32. It's not "foilage," Mom.
It's foliage. Foliage.Copy !req
33. That's what I said- "foilage."Copy !req
34. It doesn't take a "nucular" scientist
to pronounce "foilage."Copy !req
35. Honestly, Smithers, I don't know
why Harvard even bothers to show up.Copy !req
36. They barely even won.Copy !req
37. Their cheating was even more rampant
than last year, sir.Copy !req
38. Well, I say let Harvard have
its football and academics.Copy !req
39. Yale will always be first
in gentlemanly club life.Copy !req
40. Why, every friend I have,
I made right here.Copy !req
41. - Hello, Burnsie. It's your old roomy, Dink.Copy !req
42. Steady. Steady.Copy !req
43. - Oh, nicely played, sir.
- Attention, passengers.Copy !req
44. The train has been
temporarily delayed...Copy !req
45. because of a discarded couch
on the tracks.Copy !req
46. Yes, it looks like
some sort of a couch.Copy !req
47. Oh, this may take
a while, Smithers.Copy !req
48. Why don't you get drunk and stumble around
comically for my amusement?Copy !req
49. I'll be a one-man conga line.Copy !req
50. Ah, customers. Thank God.
Papa needs a new pair of everything.Copy !req
51. Hey, how you doing?
Welcome to scenic Waynesport.Copy !req
52. And remember your visit
with a googly-eyed walnut.Copy !req
53. How about a googly-eyed rock?
Some nice local squash candy?Copy !req
54. A stressed-out Pepsi bottle?
Come on.Copy !req
55. If this stuff is too nice for you,
I've got some crap.Copy !req
56. Hey, CaseyJones,
where's this train headed?Copy !req
57. - Springfield.
- Yeah, yeah. What state?Copy !req
58. - [Continues, Indistinct]Copy !req
59. I can honestly say
that was the most fun I've ever had.Copy !req
60. The mill, the history,
all that gorgeous foliage.Copy !req
61. I can't "exscape" Lisa,
our little walking "libary."Copy !req
62. Can't they get a pole
for that sign?Copy !req
63. - That's a hitchhiker, Homer.
- Ooh, let's pick him up.Copy !req
64. - No. What if he's crazy?
- And what if he's not? Then we'd look like idiots.Copy !req
65. - We're not picking him up.
- Oh, yes, we are.Copy !req
66. - There's not enough room.
- Yes, there is.Copy !req
67. I just don't think
it's a good idea.Copy !req
68. And I think it's the best idea
I've ever had.Copy !req
69. - We're picking up the weirdo, and that's final.Copy !req
70. Hey, you folks are all right.Copy !req
71. Man, it was rough
getting a ride out there.Copy !req
72. The only car that stopped
was a hearse that thought I fell out.Copy !req
73. It was rough, I tell you.Copy !req
74. - Careful of the apple pie on the seat.
- Uh-oh.Copy !req
75. Grampa, are you sitting on the pie?Copy !req
76. I sure hope so.Copy !req
77. Hey, I'm looking for this guy.
Anybody know who he is?Copy !req
78. Yeah, sure, we know him.
That's Mr. Burns.Copy !req
79. - He tried to kill our puppies.
- He sexually harassed me.Copy !req
80. - He stole my fiancée.
- He made fun of my weight.Copy !req
81. Okay, so there's been a little friction.
Know his address?Copy !req
82. Whoa! This guy's got more bread
than a prison meat loaf.Copy !req
83. He's rich, I tell ya.
I never seen a place with a walk-in mailbox.Copy !req
84. Hey, who am I talking to?Copy !req
85. - Yes?
- Yeah.Copy !req
86. Uh, hi. My-My name is Larry.
I'm here to see Mr. Burns.Copy !req
87. Well, I hate to break it
to you, Larry...Copy !req
88. but if Mr. Burns ever
wants to see a stranger...Copy !req
89. he will observe him
through a powerful telescope.Copy !req
90. - Now, if you-
- Smithers, what's going on?Copy !req
91. How dare you interrupt
my lime rickey?Copy !req
92. [Slurping, Sighs]
State your business.Copy !req
93. Well, geez! I'm a little nervous here.
What I'm trying to say is I'm-Copy !req
94. You're what? Selling light bulbs?
Worried about the whales?Copy !req
95. - Keen on Jesus? Out with it!
- Well, Mr. Burns, I'm your son.Copy !req
96. Oh, and I stepped on one of your peacocks.
You got a paper towel?Copy !req
97. It's true. He is my son.Copy !req
98. - Hey, now you're talking!
- Good God.Copy !req
99. Ah, Pop, don't get me wrong.
It's great to be here.Copy !req
100. But how's a guy like you
wind up with a son like me?Copy !req
101. Ah, Larry, my lad, I've gone over this story
in my mind a million times.Copy !req
102. It was 1941, the-Copy !req
103. No, '39,
my 25th Yale reunion.Copy !req
104. Who should appear
but the unrequited love of my college years-Copy !req
105. Mimsie Bankcroft.Copy !req
106. Of course by then, Mimsie
had her share of wrinkles...Copy !req
107. and a gray hair or two, but my adoring eyes
saw past those minor imperfections...Copy !req
108. to her 21-year-old daughter, Lily.Copy !req
109. I took Lily
to the local "cinematorium'...Copy !req
110. where our passions were inflamed by Clark
Gable's reckless use of the word "damn. '"Copy !req
111. We sneaked into
the nearby Peabody Museum.Copy !req
112. There, under the smiling eyes
of four stuffed Eskimos...Copy !req
113. we expressed our love physically...Copy !req
114. as was the style at the time.Copy !req
115. Well, how do you like that?
I have been in a museum.Copy !req
116. - What happened with you and Ma?
- There was a terrible scandal.Copy !req
117. Lily's family forced her
to give you up...Copy !req
118. and bundled her off to a convent
in the South Seas.Copy !req
119. I never heard from her again.Copy !req
120. But I prattle on.
Tell me everything about your life.Copy !req
121. Oh, what's to tell?
I was at the orphanage till I was 18.Copy !req
122. Then I got my job
at the souvenir stand.Copy !req
123. Oh, and once I saw a blimp.Copy !req
124. Well, you must be tired.Copy !req
125. Let me show you your room.Copy !req
126. Oh, is this posh!Copy !req
127. Ah, Pop, nobody's
ever been so nice to me.Copy !req
128. Yes, yes. All right.Copy !req
129. Uh-huh.
It's good to see you too.Copy !req
130. Now then, in case you get bored,
here's the playroom.Copy !req
131. You can't just eat the orange
and throw the peel away!Copy !req
132. A man's not a piece of fruit!Copy !req
133. This show was supposed
to close last week!Copy !req
134. Close this show!
Close it, I say.Copy !req
135. Hey, don't worry about it.
You're all right.Copy !req
136. Hey, you're that hitchhiker.
What are you doing here?Copy !req
137. Learning the family business.
I'm Larry Burns, the boss's son.Copy !req
138. Uh-oh.Copy !req
139. Oh, relax.
I don't wanna work.Copy !req
140. I'm so lazy I took lessons
on a player piano.Copy !req
141. Wow! That's really lazy.Copy !req
142. Lazy, you're not kidding.
Why, I'm like a rug on Valium. I'm talking lazy.Copy !req
143. So lazy.Copy !req
144. And Larry and I have so much in common,
Marge, way more than you and me.Copy !req
145. If I could be stranded on an island with anyone,
it would definitely be Larry.Copy !req
146. I think we've heard enough
about Larry Burns for one evening.Copy !req
147. Why? It's not like anything interesting
happened to anyone else today.Copy !req
148. Hey, Pop, this crowd
is pretty swanky.Copy !req
149. - I'm not gonna fit in here.
- Nonsense, Larry.Copy !req
150. Your blood is bluer
than any of theirs.Copy !req
151. Just give them a snootful
of the old Burns charm.Copy !req
152. Oh, Admiral Carstairs,
I'd like you to meet my son, Larry.Copy !req
153. Hey, Skipper, good to meet you.Copy !req
154. Where'd you start out,
on the Merrimack?Copy !req
155. Hey, I should talk.
I hope I look that good when I'm 200.Copy !req
156. - That's such insubordination!
- Larry, please.Copy !req
157. He's very sensitive about his age.Copy !req
158. Oh, Monty, this must be the son
I've heard so much about.Copy !req
159. Larry, you must meet our daughter,
the debutante. She came out last spring.Copy !req
160. - Whoa! Put her back in! She's not done yet.Copy !req
161. Smithers, there's something a bit odd
about young Larry.Copy !req
162. I can't quite put
my finger on it.Copy !req
163. Well, he is a bit rough
around the edges, sir.Copy !req
164. One might blame his truly heroic
intake of cocktails.Copy !req
165. Pull up a seat, Pop.
You too, Chuckles.Copy !req
166. I mean, the food ain't great,
but the portions are terrific.Copy !req
167. Hey, I'm kidding. Relax.
Hey, give my regards to Mrs. Boyardee.Copy !req
168. A total lack of refinement.Copy !req
169. Smithers, send for the boys
at Yale admissions, hmm?Copy !req
170. Well, did you meet Larry?Copy !req
171. Oh, yes. He made light
of my weight problem...Copy !req
172. then suggested my motto
should be "Semper Fudge."Copy !req
173. At that point
he told me to "relax."Copy !req
174. - How were his test scores?
- Let's just say this-Copy !req
175. he spelled "Yale" with a six.Copy !req
176. I see. Well, l-Copy !req
177. Oh, you know, I just remembered
it's time for my annual donation.Copy !req
178. I wonder how much I should give.Copy !req
179. Well, frankly, test scores like Larry's
would call for a very generous contribution.Copy !req
180. For example, a score of 400 would require
a donation of new football uniforms.Copy !req
181. Three hundred- a new dormitory.Copy !req
182. And in Larry's case,
we would need an international airport.Copy !req
183. Yale could use
an international airport, Mr. Burns.Copy !req
184. Are you mad?
I'm not made of airports! Get out!Copy !req
185. Summon my son at once.Copy !req
186. - Uh, it appears he's gone drinkin', sir.Copy !req
187. Everybody, go nuts. I'm buyin'!Copy !req
188. Hey, handsome,
send the bill to my dad.Copy !req
189. Okay, but the last guy who charged a drink
to Burns turned up in a landfill.Copy !req
190. Yeah, but it was worth it.Copy !req
191. Hey, what's everybody in this burg
have against my dad?Copy !req
192. He's a pussycat. I tell you,
he's a doll-baby.Copy !req
193. Come on over.
I'll show you.Copy !req
194. Ah, this is some party. If it gets any livelier,
a funeral's gonna break out.Copy !req
195. Quiet, you.
Nobody likes a comedian.Copy !req
196. Geez! Come on, Dad, we got company.
Make with the yakety-yak-yak.Copy !req
197. Oh, yakety-yak-yak.Copy !req
198. - You, food bag, do you have a son?
- Yes, sir, I do.Copy !req
199. And is he a constant
disappointment?Copy !req
200. Does he bring home nitwits
and make you talk to them?Copy !req
201. Oh, all the time.
Have you ever heard of this kid Milhouse?Copy !req
202. - He's a little wiener who-
- Fascinating. Good night.Copy !req
203. Dad, what's with you tonight?
I mean, I'm getting frostbite over here.Copy !req
204. I'll tell you what's with me-Copy !req
205. the humiliation of having a coarse,
boorish ignoramus for a son.Copy !req
206. Uh, I should go.Copy !req
207. What's the matter, Pop?
Don't you love me anymore?Copy !req
208. Oh.Copy !req
209. Geez! Dad and I,
we started out great...Copy !req
210. but now it's falling apart,
like a Chinese motorcycle.Copy !req
211. It's so unfair.
You're everything a dad could hope for.Copy !req
212. Yeah. I tell ya,
I don't get no regard.Copy !req
213. No regard at all.
No esteem either.Copy !req
214. Larry, there's only one sure way to make him
realize how much he loves you...Copy !req
215. and that is a phony kidnapping.Copy !req
216. Yeah, right. I don't know.
Maybe I should just leave town.Copy !req
217. Phony kidnapping.Copy !req
218. Nah. I know what I gotta do.Copy !req
219. I gotta clean up my act.
No more joking around all the time.Copy !req
220. No more slacking off at work.
And most important, no more booze.Copy !req
221. - I know I can do it.Copy !req
222. "Your son has been kidnapped."Copy !req
223. I can't believe someone
would kidnap my Larry.Copy !req
224. - I won't rest until he's returned to me.
- Not to be impertinent, sir...Copy !req
225. but didn't you want Larry out of your life
as recently as two hours ago?Copy !req
226. It's the principle, Smithers.
Nobody steals from Montgomery Burns...Copy !req
227. whether it be my Sunday newspaper
or my loutish oaf of a son.Copy !req
228. All right, Mr. B., when the kidnappers
call with the ransom demand...Copy !req
229. you tell them you'll leave the money
under the big net in the park.Copy !req
230. And then down comes the net.
Right, Chief?Copy !req
231. Hey, I like it.
I like it a lot.Copy !req
232. Hmm?Copy !req
233. - Hmm?
- [TV, Indistinct]Copy !req
234. What are you doing
in the basement?Copy !req
235. - It's like you're hiding out down here.
- Hiding out?Copy !req
236. Marge, you've been reading
too many "hide out" books.Copy !req
237. And what's that hitchhiker
doing here?Copy !req
238. Is every drifter we meet
going to move in with us?Copy !req
239. Of course not.
We'll decide that on a drifter-by-drifter basis.Copy !req
240. He's not a drifter, Mom.
That's Mr. Burns's son, Larry.Copy !req
241. He's great at pointing out
everyone's foibles.Copy !req
242. Hey! How you doing?
Ooh, look at your hair.Copy !req
243. What happened?
You saw yourself in a mirror?Copy !req
244. He's kidding, Mom.
But, seriously, I'd love to have hair like yours.Copy !req
245. I just can't get the zoning permits.Copy !req
246. Hey, that reminds me, Mom. Buckingham Palace
called. They want their hat back.Copy !req
247. - Hey, kids, how about a hand
for your mom? She's all right.Copy !req
248. - Yeah, Mom!
- All right, Mom!
- Oh, yeah. Thank you.Copy !req
249. - Ahoy, hoy?Copy !req
250. - Hello, Mr. Burns. This is the kidnapper.Copy !req
251. - Do you miss your son?
- Yes, I'm missing one son. Return it immediately.Copy !req
252. If you really love Larry, prove it,
and you can have him back today.Copy !req
253. Whoa!
How much proof do you need?Copy !req
254. Five thousand, six thousand?
I swear, that's all I've got.Copy !req
255. Don't you care about your son?
This is more important than money.Copy !req
256. More important than money?
Who is this?Copy !req
257. - Uh- Uh, just a second.Copy !req
258. Beautiful. Eddie, did you trace
the phone number?Copy !req
259. - Sure did, Chief.
- 555-Copy !req
260. Oh, geez, that's gotta be phony.Copy !req
261. Hey, I think I got a pai gow.Copy !req
262. I hate pai gow!
Can't we just play "quang jong"?Copy !req
263. - Can't we just go upstairs?
- No!Copy !req
264. This is Kent Brockman in Chopper Copter 6
with a special report.Copy !req
265. Montgomery Burns's son
has been kidnapped.Copy !req
266. - Kidnapped?
- Marge, it's not a real kidnapping.Copy !req
267. It's a simple hoax
to win a father's love.Copy !req
268. - You know how I feel about hoaxes.
- Still?Copy !req
269. I want you to take Larry
back to Mr. Burns right now...Copy !req
270. - before you get in a lot of trouble.
- What, but, but-Copy !req
271. Marge, it's broad daylight,
and there's cops everywhere.Copy !req
272. - No excuses. Just do it.Copy !req
273. Of course, we'll bring you updates
just as soon as they-Copy !req
274. Oh, wait a minute!
There they are, Larry Burns and his kidnapper.Copy !req
275. Appearing in broad daylight with police
everywhere, ladies and gentlemen...Copy !req
276. there's only one word
for that- idiocy.Copy !req
277. We gotta find someplace to hide.Copy !req
278. The abandoned warehouse!Copy !req
279. D'oh!
Stupid economic recovery.Copy !req
280. Hey! Buy a costume
or get out, fellas.Copy !req
281. We gotta find someplace
no one will ever go.Copy !req
282. Hello!Copy !req
283. - Drive faster, Grandma!Copy !req
284. Grandma's gaining on us!Copy !req
285. They'll never look for us here.Copy !req
286. Yeah, this place is emptier
than a Scottish pay toilet.Copy !req
287. Shh. Some people are trying
to watch the movie.Copy !req
288. You don't like it, call a cop.Copy !req
289. This is Kent Brockman live
from the Aztec Theater...Copy !req
290. where police have learned
that kidnapper Homer Simpson...Copy !req
291. and hostage, Larry Burns,
are inside talking loudly.Copy !req
292. Ooh, give yourself up, Homie!Copy !req
293. - No, Dad! Shoot your way out!Copy !req
294. A bloody end for Homer Simpson...Copy !req
295. is just one of several possible outcomes,
according to our computer simulation.Copy !req
296. Now, here's how it would look if the police
killed him with a barrage of baseballs.Copy !req
297. We've gotta go down there
and help Dad.Copy !req
298. - Oh, stop it!Copy !req
299. Shh.Copy !req
300. - Still warm. They can't be far.
- Chief!Copy !req
301. Don't be a fool, Simpson.
Let the kid go.Copy !req
302. The negotiations have failed.
Shoot him!Copy !req
303. - Wait!
- Wait?Copy !req
304. I mean, Homer's no kidnapper.Copy !req
305. Well, he's the best friend I ever had.
We faked the whole thing.Copy !req
306. I should've known. You're
the only one stupid enough to kidnap you.Copy !req
307. Now, get down here so I can spank you
in front of this gawking rabble.Copy !req
308. - Smithers, take off my belt.
- With pleasure, sir.Copy !req
309. Hold on, Mr. Burns.
Maybe we did fake a kidnapping.Copy !req
310. But is that really such a crime?Copy !req
311. All your son wanted
was a little attention, a little love.Copy !req
312. I'm a father myself, sir.Copy !req
313. And, sure, sometimes
my kids can be obnoxious...Copy !req
314. or boring, or stinky.Copy !req
315. But they can always
count on one thing-Copy !req
316. their father's unconditional love.Copy !req
317. - Mmm!
- How about it, Pop?Copy !req
318. I know it's tough,
but can you love me for what I am?Copy !req
319. Well-Copy !req
320. There, there, sonny boy.Copy !req
321. I suppose
I have been a bit-Copy !req
322. Oh, no, I can't do it.
It's just not me.Copy !req
323. I'm sorry, Larry.
I can't be the family that you need.Copy !req
324. Oh, that's okay.
I got a wife and kids.Copy !req
325. Oh, that reminds me.
They're probably wondering where I went.Copy !req
326. I told them I'm going for coffee.
That was a week ago.Copy !req
327. Well, Son, delighted
to have met you.Copy !req
328. It's good to know that...
there's another kidney out there for me.Copy !req
329. You got it, Pop.
Just let me run a few pints through it first.Copy !req
330. - As long as everybody's here, let's party!Copy !req
331. - Who's playing that music?
- And where is all that liquor coming from?Copy !req
332. It's a party, Marge.
It doesn't have to make sense.Copy !req