1. D'oh!Copy !req
2. What a perfect outing
for a beautiful autumn day.Copy !req
3. I feel sorry for everyone
who's cooped up inside...Copy !req
4. watching the seventh game
of the World Series.Copy !req
5. Yeah, they won't learn
anything about apples today.Copy !req
6. And the cider mill operated
continuously until 1941...Copy !req
7. when its workers left to fight
in the Second World War.Copy !req
8. When they returned,
the old girl was just as they'd left her...Copy !req
9. only now she was infested
with thousands upon thousands of rats.Copy !req
10. Right. And if you listen
real carefully...Copy !req
11. you can still hear them
gnawing away at the apples...Copy !req
12. and splashing around
in the toilets.Copy !req
13. And that concludes
this portion of the tour.Copy !req
14. One of the most historically
significant fruit presses...Copy !req
15. - in this part of the state-Copy !req
16. was based on a German design,
but modified for the larger American apple.Copy !req
17. Well, if God didn't make little green apples,
it's Homer Simpson.Copy !req
18. - How long have you been here?
- Twenty of the suckiest minutes of my life.Copy !req
19. Oh, sucking down the cider, huh?
Hey, word to the wise- season pass.Copy !req
20. Pays for itself
after the 16th visit.Copy !req
21. You know, most people
don't know the difference...Copy !req
22. between apple cider
and apple juice.Copy !req
23. But I do. Now, here's a little trick
to help you remember.Copy !req
24. If it's clear and yella,
you've got juice there, fella.Copy !req
25. If it's tangy and brown,
you're in cider town.Copy !req
26. Now, there's two exceptions and it gets kind of-Copy !req
27. Oh! You can stay, but I'm leaving.Copy !req
28. And of course in Canada,
the whole thing's flip-flopped.Copy !req
29. Oh, my!
I better get you some cider.Copy !req
30. Next to spring and winter,
fall is my absolute favorite season.Copy !req
31. Just look at all
this beautiful "foilage."Copy !req
32. It's not "foilage," Mom.
It's foliage. Foliage.Copy !req
33. That's what I said- "foilage."Copy !req
34. It doesn't take a "nucular" scientist
to pronounce "foilage."Copy !req
35. Honestly, Smithers, I don't know
why Harvard even bothers to show up.Copy !req
36. They barely even won.Copy !req
37. Their cheating was even more rampant
than last year, sir.Copy !req
38. Well, I say let Harvard have
its football and academics.Copy !req
39. Yale will always be first
in gentlemanly club life.Copy !req
40. Why, every friend I have,
I made right here.Copy !req
41. - Hello, Burnsie. It's your old roomy, Dink.Copy !req
42. Steady. Steady.Copy !req
43. - Oh, nicely played, sir.
- Attention, passengers.Copy !req
44. The train has been
temporarily delayed...Copy !req
45. because of a discarded couch
on the tracks.Copy !req
46. Yes, it looks like
some sort of a couch.Copy !req
47. Oh, this may take
a while, Smithers.Copy !req
48. Why don't you get drunk and stumble around
comically for my amusement?Copy !req
49. I'll be a one-man conga line.Copy !req
50. Ah, customers. Thank God.
Papa needs a new pair of everything.Copy !req
51. Hey, how you doing?
Welcome to scenic Waynesport.Copy !req
52. And remember your visit
with a googly-eyed walnut.Copy !req
53. How about a googly-eyed rock?
Some nice local squash candy?Copy !req
54. A stressed-out Pepsi bottle?
Come on.Copy !req
55. If this stuff is too nice for you,
I've got some crap.Copy !req
56. Hey, CaseyJones,
where's this train headed?Copy !req
57. - Springfield.
- Yeah, yeah. What state?Copy !req
58. I can honestly say
that was the most fun I've ever had.Copy !req
59. The mill, the history,
all that gorgeous foliage.Copy !req
60. I can't "exscape" Lisa,
our little walking "libary."Copy !req
61. Can't they get a pole
for that sign?Copy !req
62. - That's a hitchhiker, Homer.
- Ooh, let's pick him up.Copy !req
63. - No. What if he's crazy?
- And what if he's not? Then we'd look like idiots.Copy !req
64. - We're not picking him up.
- Oh, yes, we are.Copy !req
65. - There's not enough room.
- Yes, there is.Copy !req
66. I just don't think
it's a good idea.Copy !req
67. And I think it's the best idea
I've ever had.Copy !req
68. - We're picking up the weirdo, and that's final.Copy !req
69. Hey, you folks are all right.Copy !req
70. Man, it was rough
getting a ride out there.Copy !req
71. The only car that stopped
was a hearse that thought I fell out.Copy !req
72. It was rough, I tell you.Copy !req
73. - Careful of the apple pie on the seat.
- Uh-oh.Copy !req
74. Grampa, are you sitting on the pie?Copy !req
75. I sure hope so.Copy !req
76. Hey, I'm looking for this guy.
Anybody know who he is?Copy !req
77. Yeah, sure, we know him.
That's Mr. Burns.Copy !req
78. - He tried to kill our puppies.
- He sexually harassed me.Copy !req
79. - He stole my fiancée.
- He made fun of my weight.Copy !req
80. Okay, so there's been a little friction.
Know his address?Copy !req
81. Whoa! This guy's got more bread
than a prison meat loaf.Copy !req
82. He's rich, I tell ya.
I never seen a place with a walk-in mailbox.Copy !req
83. Hey, who am I talking to?Copy !req
84. - Yes?
- Yeah.Copy !req
85. Uh, hi. My-My name is Larry.
I'm here to see Mr. Burns.Copy !req
86. Well, I hate to break it
to you, Larry...Copy !req
87. but if Mr. Burns ever
wants to see a stranger...Copy !req
88. he will observe him
through a powerful telescope.Copy !req
89. - Now, if you-
- Smithers, what's going on?Copy !req
90. How dare you interrupt
my lime rickey?Copy !req
91. State your business.Copy !req
92. Well, geez! I'm a little nervous here.
What I'm trying to say is I'm-Copy !req
93. You're what? Selling light bulbs?
Worried about the whales?Copy !req
94. - Keen on Jesus? Out with it!
- Well, Mr. Burns, I'm your son.Copy !req
95. Oh, and I stepped on one of your peacocks.
You got a paper towel?Copy !req
96. It's true. He is my son.Copy !req
97. - Hey, now you're talking!
- Good God.Copy !req
98. Ah, Pop, don't get me wrong.
It's great to be here.Copy !req
99. But how's a guy like you
wind up with a son like me?Copy !req
100. Ah, Larry, my lad, I've gone over this story
in my mind a million times.Copy !req
101. It was 1941, the-Copy !req
102. No, '39,
my 25th Yale reunion.Copy !req
103. Who should appear
but the unrequited love of my college years-Copy !req
104. Mimsie Bankcroft.Copy !req
105. Of course by then, Mimsie
had her share of wrinkles...Copy !req
106. and a gray hair or two, but my adoring eyes
saw past those minor imperfections...Copy !req
107. to her 21-year-old daughter, Lily.Copy !req
108. I took Lily
to the local "cinematorium'...Copy !req
109. where our passions were inflamed by Clark
Gable's reckless use of the word "damn. '"Copy !req
110. We sneaked into
the nearby Peabody Museum.Copy !req
111. There, under the smiling eyes
of four stuffed Eskimos...Copy !req
112. we expressed our love physically...Copy !req
113. as was the style at the time.Copy !req
114. Well, how do you like that?
I have been in a museum.Copy !req
115. - What happened with you and Ma?
- There was a terrible scandal.Copy !req
116. Lily's family forced her
to give you up...Copy !req
117. and bundled her off to a convent
in the South Seas.Copy !req
118. I never heard from her again.Copy !req
119. But I prattle on.
Tell me everything about your life.Copy !req
120. Oh, what's to tell?
I was at the orphanage till I was 18.Copy !req
121. Then I got my job
at the souvenir stand.Copy !req
122. Oh, and once I saw a blimp.Copy !req
123. Well, you must be tired.Copy !req
124. Let me show you your room.Copy !req
125. Oh, is this posh!Copy !req
126. Ah, Pop, nobody's
ever been so nice to me.Copy !req
127. Yes, yes. All right.Copy !req
128. Uh-huh.
It's good to see you too.Copy !req
129. Now then, in case you get bored,
here's the playroom.Copy !req
130. You can't just eat the orange
and throw the peel away!Copy !req
131. A man's not a piece of fruit!Copy !req
132. This show was supposed
to close last week!Copy !req
133. Close this show!
Close it, I say.Copy !req
134. Hey, don't worry about it.
You're all right.Copy !req
135. Hey, you're that hitchhiker.
What are you doing here?Copy !req
136. Learning the family business.
I'm Larry Burns, the boss's son.Copy !req
137. Uh-oh.Copy !req
138. Oh, relax.
I don't wanna work.Copy !req
139. I'm so lazy I took lessons
on a player piano.Copy !req
140. Wow! That's really lazy.Copy !req
141. Lazy, you're not kidding.
Why, I'm like a rug on Valium. I'm talking lazy.Copy !req
142. So lazy.Copy !req
143. And Larry and I have so much in common,
Marge, way more than you and me.Copy !req
144. If I could be stranded on an island with anyone,
it would definitely be Larry.Copy !req
145. I think we've heard enough
about Larry Burns for one evening.Copy !req
146. Why? It's not like anything interesting
happened to anyone else today.Copy !req
147. Hey, Pop, this crowd
is pretty swanky.Copy !req
148. - I'm not gonna fit in here.
- Nonsense, Larry.Copy !req
149. Your blood is bluer
than any of theirs.Copy !req
150. Just give them a snootful
of the old Burns charm.Copy !req
151. Oh, Admiral Carstairs,
I'd like you to meet my son, Larry.Copy !req
152. Hey, Skipper, good to meet you.Copy !req
153. Where'd you start out,
on the Merrimack?Copy !req
154. Hey, I should talk.
I hope I look that good when I'm 200.Copy !req
155. - That's such insubordination!
- Larry, please.Copy !req
156. He's very sensitive about his age.Copy !req
157. Oh, Monty, this must be the son
I've heard so much about.Copy !req
158. Larry, you must meet our daughter,
the debutante. She came out last spring.Copy !req
159. - Whoa! Put her back in! She's not done yet.Copy !req
160. Smithers, there's something a bit odd
about young Larry.Copy !req
161. I can't quite put
my finger on it.Copy !req
162. Well, he is a bit rough
around the edges, sir.Copy !req
163. One might blame his truly heroic
intake of cocktails.Copy !req
164. Pull up a seat, Pop.
You too, Chuckles.Copy !req
165. I mean, the food ain't great,
but the portions are terrific.Copy !req
166. Hey, I'm kidding. Relax.
Hey, give my regards to Mrs. Boyardee.Copy !req
167. A total lack of refinement.Copy !req
168. Smithers, send for the boys
at Yale admissions, hmm?Copy !req
169. Well, did you meet Larry?Copy !req
170. Oh, yes. He made light
of my weight problem...Copy !req
171. then suggested my motto
should be "Semper Fudge."Copy !req
172. At that point
he told me to "relax."Copy !req
173. - How were his test scores?
- Let's just say this-Copy !req
174. he spelled "Yale" with a six.Copy !req
175. I see. Well, l-Copy !req
176. Oh, you know, I just remembered
it's time for my annual donation.Copy !req
177. I wonder how much I should give.Copy !req
178. Well, frankly, test scores like Larry's
would call for a very generous contribution.Copy !req
179. For example, a score of 400 would require
a donation of new football uniforms.Copy !req
180. Three hundred- a new dormitory.Copy !req
181. And in Larry's case,
we would need an international airport.Copy !req
182. Yale could use
an international airport, Mr. Burns.Copy !req
183. Are you mad?
I'm not made of airports! Get out!Copy !req
184. Summon my son at once.Copy !req
185. - Uh, it appears he's gone drinkin', sir.Copy !req
186. Everybody, go nuts. I'm buyin'!Copy !req
187. Hey, handsome,
send the bill to my dad.Copy !req
188. Okay, but the last guy who charged a drink
to Burns turned up in a landfill.Copy !req
189. Yeah, but it was worth it.Copy !req
190. Hey, what's everybody in this burg
have against my dad?Copy !req
191. He's a pussycat. I tell you,
he's a doll-baby.Copy !req
192. Come on over.
I'll show you.Copy !req
193. Ah, this is some party. If it gets any livelier,
a funeral's gonna break out.Copy !req
194. Quiet, you.
Nobody likes a comedian.Copy !req
195. Geez! Come on, Dad, we got company.
Make with the yakety-yak-yak.Copy !req
196. Oh, yakety-yak-yak.Copy !req
197. - You, food bag, do you have a son?
- Yes, sir, I do.Copy !req
198. And is he a constant
disappointment?Copy !req
199. Does he bring home nitwits
and make you talk to them?Copy !req
200. Oh, all the time.
Have you ever heard of this kid Milhouse?Copy !req
201. - He's a little wiener who-
- Fascinating. Good night.Copy !req
202. Dad, what's with you tonight?
I mean, I'm getting frostbite over here.Copy !req
203. I'll tell you what's with me-Copy !req
204. the humiliation of having a coarse,
boorish ignoramus for a son.Copy !req
205. Uh, I should go.Copy !req
206. What's the matter, Pop?
Don't you love me anymore?Copy !req
207. Oh.Copy !req
208. Geez! Dad and I,
we started out great...Copy !req
209. but now it's falling apart,
like a Chinese motorcycle.Copy !req
210. It's so unfair.
You're everything a dad could hope for.Copy !req
211. Yeah. I tell ya,
I don't get no regard.Copy !req
212. No regard at all.
No esteem either.Copy !req
213. Larry, there's only one sure way to make him
realize how much he loves you...Copy !req
214. and that is a phony kidnapping.Copy !req
215. Yeah, right. I don't know.
Maybe I should just leave town.Copy !req
216. Phony kidnapping.Copy !req
217. Nah. I know what I gotta do.Copy !req
218. I gotta clean up my act.
No more joking around all the time.Copy !req
219. No more slacking off at work.
And most important, no more booze.Copy !req
220. - I know I can do it.Copy !req
221. "Your son has been kidnapped."Copy !req
222. I can't believe someone
would kidnap my Larry.Copy !req
223. - I won't rest until he's returned to me.
- Not to be impertinent, sir...Copy !req
224. but didn't you want Larry out of your life
as recently as two hours ago?Copy !req
225. It's the principle, Smithers.
Nobody steals from Montgomery Burns...Copy !req
226. whether it be my Sunday newspaper
or my loutish oaf of a son.Copy !req
227. All right, Mr. B., when the kidnappers
call with the ransom demand...Copy !req
228. you tell them you'll leave the money
under the big net in the park.Copy !req
229. And then down comes the net.
Right, Chief?Copy !req
230. Hey, I like it.
I like it a lot.Copy !req
231. Hmm?Copy !req
232. - Hmm?Copy !req
233. What are you doing
in the basement?Copy !req
234. - It's like you're hiding out down here.
- Hiding out?Copy !req
235. Marge, you've been reading
too many "hide out" books.Copy !req
236. And what's that hitchhiker
doing here?Copy !req
237. Is every drifter we meet
going to move in with us?Copy !req
238. Of course not.
We'll decide that on a drifter-by-drifter basis.Copy !req
239. He's not a drifter, Mom.
That's Mr. Burns's son, Larry.Copy !req
240. He's great at pointing out
everyone's foibles.Copy !req
241. Hey! How you doing?
Ooh, look at your hair.Copy !req
242. What happened?
You saw yourself in a mirror?Copy !req
243. He's kidding, Mom.
But, seriously, I'd love to have hair like yours.Copy !req
244. I just can't get the zoning permits.Copy !req
245. Hey, that reminds me, Mom. Buckingham Palace
called. They want their hat back.Copy !req
246. - Hey, kids, how about a hand
for your mom? She's all right.Copy !req
247. - Yeah, Mom!
- All right, Mom!
- Oh, yeah. Thank you.Copy !req
248. - Ahoy, hoy?Copy !req
249. - Hello, Mr. Burns. This is the kidnapper.Copy !req
250. - Do you miss your son?
- Yes, I'm missing one son. Return it immediately.Copy !req
251. If you really love Larry, prove it,
and you can have him back today.Copy !req
252. Whoa!
How much proof do you need?Copy !req
253. Five thousand, six thousand?
I swear, that's all I've got.Copy !req
254. Don't you care about your son?
This is more important than money.Copy !req
255. More important than money?
Who is this?Copy !req
256. - Uh- Uh, just a second.Copy !req
257. Beautiful. Eddie, did you trace
the phone number?Copy !req
258. - Sure did, Chief.
- 555-Copy !req
259. Oh, geez, that's gotta be phony.Copy !req
260. Hey, I think I got a pai gow.Copy !req
261. I hate pai gow!
Can't we just play "quang jong"?Copy !req
262. - Can't we just go upstairs?
- No!Copy !req
263. This is Kent Brockman in Chopper Copter 6
with a special report.Copy !req
264. Montgomery Burns's son
has been kidnapped.Copy !req
265. - Kidnapped?
- Marge, it's not a real kidnapping.Copy !req
266. It's a simple hoax
to win a father's love.Copy !req
267. - You know how I feel about hoaxes.
- Still?Copy !req
268. I want you to take Larry
back to Mr. Burns right now...Copy !req
269. - before you get in a lot of trouble.
- What, but, but-Copy !req
270. Marge, it's broad daylight,
and there's cops everywhere.Copy !req
271. - No excuses. Just do it.Copy !req
272. Of course, we'll bring you updates
just as soon as they-Copy !req
273. Oh, wait a minute!
There they are, Larry Burns and his kidnapper.Copy !req
274. Appearing in broad daylight with police
everywhere, ladies and gentlemen...Copy !req
275. there's only one word
for that- idiocy.Copy !req
276. We gotta find someplace to hide.Copy !req
277. The abandoned warehouse!Copy !req
278. D'oh!
Stupid economic recovery.Copy !req
279. Hey! Buy a costume
or get out, fellas.Copy !req
280. We gotta find someplace
no one will ever go.Copy !req
281. Hello!Copy !req
282. - Drive faster, Grandma!Copy !req
283. Grandma's gaining on us!Copy !req
284. They'll never look for us here.Copy !req
285. Yeah, this place is emptier
than a Scottish pay toilet.Copy !req
286. Shh. Some people are trying
to watch the movie.Copy !req
287. You don't like it, call a cop.Copy !req
288. This is Kent Brockman live
from the Aztec Theater...Copy !req
289. where police have learned
that kidnapper Homer Simpson...Copy !req
290. and hostage, Larry Burns,
are inside talking loudly.Copy !req
291. Ooh, give yourself up, Homie!Copy !req
292. - No, Dad! Shoot your way out!Copy !req
293. A bloody end for Homer Simpson...Copy !req
294. is just one of several possible outcomes,
according to our computer simulation.Copy !req
295. Now, here's how it would look if the police
killed him with a barrage of baseballs.Copy !req
296. We've gotta go down there
and help Dad.Copy !req
297. - Oh, stop it!Copy !req
298. Shh.Copy !req
299. - Still warm. They can't be far.
- Chief!Copy !req
300. Don't be a fool, Simpson.
Let the kid go.Copy !req
301. The negotiations have failed.
Shoot him!Copy !req
302. - Wait!
- Wait?Copy !req
303. I mean, Homer's no kidnapper.Copy !req
304. Well, he's the best friend I ever had.
We faked the whole thing.Copy !req
305. I should've known. You're
the only one stupid enough to kidnap you.Copy !req
306. Now, get down here so I can spank you
in front of this gawking rabble.Copy !req
307. - Smithers, take off my belt.
- With pleasure, sir.Copy !req
308. Hold on, Mr. Burns.
Maybe we did fake a kidnapping.Copy !req
309. But is that really such a crime?Copy !req
310. All your son wanted
was a little attention, a little love.Copy !req
311. I'm a father myself, sir.Copy !req
312. And, sure, sometimes
my kids can be obnoxious...Copy !req
313. or boring, or stinky.Copy !req
314. But they can always
count on one thing-Copy !req
315. their father's unconditional love.Copy !req
316. - Mmm!
- How about it, Pop?Copy !req
317. I know it's tough,
but can you love me for what I am?Copy !req
318. Well-Copy !req
319. There, there, sonny boy.Copy !req
320. I suppose
I have been a bit-Copy !req
321. Oh, no, I can't do it.
It's just not me.Copy !req
322. I'm sorry, Larry.
I can't be the family that you need.Copy !req
323. Oh, that's okay.
I got a wife and kids.Copy !req
324. Oh, that reminds me.
They're probably wondering where I went.Copy !req
325. I told them I'm going for coffee.
That was a week ago.Copy !req
326. Well, Son, delighted
to have met you.Copy !req
327. It's good to know that...
there's another kidney out there for me.Copy !req
328. You got it, Pop.
Just let me run a few pints through it first.Copy !req
329. - As long as everybody's here, let's party!Copy !req
330. - Who's playing that music?
- And where is all that liquor coming from?Copy !req
331. It's a party, Marge.
It doesn't have to make sense.Copy !req