1. The Simpsons.Copy !req
2. Ladies
and gentlemen,Copy !req
3. the Springfield Mall
in conjunction with.Copy !req
4. Nostalgia Licensing
CorporationCopy !req
5. is proud to present...
the stars of "Bonanza"!Copy !req
6. Thank you. I just
wish Ben and HossCopy !req
7. and Little Joe
and Hop Sing and Sheriff RoyCopy !req
8. and all of your favorites
could be alive todayCopy !req
9. to see
this wonderful turnout.Copy !req
10. You know, on the seriesCopy !req
11. we were always trying
to kill the Cartwrights.Copy !req
12. But it looks like
father timeCopy !req
13. took care of that
for us, right?Copy !req
14. Am I right, folks?Copy !req
15. Oh, this sucks.Copy !req
16. Weren't there three Indians
last year?Copy !req
17. Look, Marge!Copy !req
18. They opened a new
high-tech gadget store!Copy !req
19. - You love high-tech gadgets.
- No, I don't.Copy !req
20. Like bull, you don't.
Come on.Copy !req
21. Homer, please!
You're hurting my arm!Copy !req
22. No, I'm not!Copy !req
23. Hey, Lis.Copy !req
24. Check out this
space-age toothbrush.Copy !req
25. That's an electric
nostril groomer.Copy !req
26. Night vision goggles?Copy !req
27. A bathroom scale
from a Soviet sub?Copy !req
28. A suede briefcase case?Copy !req
29. Mm. Anyone who needs
this kind of status symbolCopy !req
30. must have some terrible
emotional problems.Copy !req
31. Marge, look!Copy !req
32. "The world's best jacket."Copy !req
33. If I had this,
it would show everybody!Copy !req
34. Show everybody!Copy !req
35. Yes, finally!Copy !req
36. I would like to return
your "ultimate belt."Copy !req
37. I see. Do you have
a "receipt," sir?Copy !req
38. No, I do not have
a receipt.Copy !req
39. I won it as a door prize
at the Star Trek conventionCopy !req
40. although I find their choice
of prize highly illogicalCopy !req
41. as the average TrekkerCopy !req
42. has no use for
a medium-sized belt.Copy !req
43. Whoa, whoa! A fat,
sarcastic "Star Trek" fan.Copy !req
44. You must be a devil
with the ladies.Copy !req
45. Hey, I... that... Oh...Copy !req
46. Gee, I hate to let
you down, Casanova,Copy !req
47. but no receipt,
no return.Copy !req
48. I'll give you
four bucks for it.Copy !req
49. Very well.
I must hurry backCopy !req
50. to my comic book storeCopy !req
51. where I dispense the insults
rather than absorb them.Copy !req
52. Wow! I bet if God
wore pantsCopy !req
53. he'd have a belt
like that!Copy !req
54. This isn't a belt.Copy !req
55. It's a tactical
pants-retaining system.Copy !req
56. Check it out:
Compass, matches,Copy !req
57. whistle, saw,
panic button, squirrel snare,Copy !req
58. radon/lie detector,
sphygmomanometer,Copy !req
59. and it's even got
turn signals.Copy !req
60. Hey, Simpson.Copy !req
61. Want to trade belts?Copy !req
62. Well, not reallyCopy !req
63. 'cause yours is just
a piece of extension cord.Copy !req
64. Hey, dude, he's ragging
on your cord.Copy !req
65. Get him.Copy !req
66. No running.Copy !req
67. Time for a little
evasive action.Copy !req
68. Hey!Copy !req
69. He's turning left!Copy !req
70. Help! Help! Help!
Help! Help!Copy !req
71. I was hoping
it wouldn't come to thisCopy !req
72. but you guys asked for it.Copy !req
73. Can't you read?Copy !req
74. Call the police!Copy !req
75. Hey, Dad.Copy !req
76. Looking good, son.Copy !req
77. Hey! What happened
to your belt?Copy !req
78. Some bullies beat me up
and took it.Copy !req
79. Son, there's only one thing
punks like that understand...Copy !req
80. Squealing.Copy !req
81. You've got to squeal
to every teacherCopy !req
82. and every grown-up
you can find.Copy !req
83. Coming to me
was a good start.Copy !req
84. But then they'll just
beat me up even worse!Copy !req
85. Yes. They are a clever bunch.Copy !req
86. I know. I'll squeal for you...
To their parents.Copy !req
87. That's for telling me
how to raise my lousy kid.Copy !req
88. And this is for
the crummy lifeCopy !req
89. I've had to live.Copy !req
90. The thing is...Copy !req
91. Bart really loves
that belt, and...Copy !req
92. Hey, something's wrong
with this guy.Copy !req
93. He's not falling down!Copy !req
94. Fun's over, fellas.Copy !req
95. If you're gonna beat up
my friend in my barCopy !req
96. there's a
two-drink minimum.Copy !req
97. Geez, Homer,
I never seenCopy !req
98. a guy stand up to that
kind of punishment.Copy !req
99. I mean, you took
a three-man poundingCopy !req
100. and didn't even fall down.Copy !req
101. Big deal. I didn't even
get my kid's belt back.Copy !req
102. The only thing a loser
like me is good forCopy !req
103. is taking beatings.Copy !req
104. There you go!
That's the spirit!Copy !req
105. Homer, I've seen
prizefightersCopy !req
106. couldn't take a punch
half as good as you.Copy !req
107. You know, boxing might be
right up your alley.Copy !req
108. - Really?
- Oh, please!Copy !req
109. It's
the good life, Homer.Copy !req
110. Some of these boxersCopy !req
111. they eat steak and
lobster and salad barCopy !req
112. all in a single meal.Copy !req
113. Dressing?Copy !req
114. Their choice.Copy !req
115. You really think
I could do it?Copy !req
116. Well, I don't know.Copy !req
117. Are you man enough to test
every one of your limits?Copy !req
118. - Yes.
- And are you man enoughCopy !req
119. to throw a punch,
should the opportunity arise?Copy !req
120. - Yes!
- And are youCopy !req
121. man enough to give me
a 60% cut?Copy !req
122. - Yes!
- I'll take it.Copy !req
123. Woo-hoo!Copy !req
124. Now Homer,Copy !req
125. if I'm going to manage
your boxing career,Copy !req
126. I want you to have
complete faith in me.Copy !req
127. Here, let me show you something.Copy !req
128. Wow, I've never
been in here before.Copy !req
129. Yeah, well, when I realizedCopy !req
130. we hadn't had no ladies in here
since 1979Copy !req
131. I turned it into an office.Copy !req
132. You used to be a boxer
just like me?Copy !req
133. Yep. They called me
"Kid Gorgeous."Copy !req
134. Later on, it was
"Kid Presentable."Copy !req
135. Then "Kid Gruesome,"Copy !req
136. and finally, "Kid Moe."Copy !req
137. Hey, what's this?Copy !req
138. Aw, that's my old
spit bucket.Copy !req
139. Yeah, I've been meaning
to empty that out.Copy !req
140. You know Lucius Sweet?Copy !req
141. He's one of
the biggest names in boxing.Copy !req
142. He's exactly as rich
and as famousCopy !req
143. as Don King and he looks
just like him too.Copy !req
144. Yeah, he was my manager.Copy !req
145. Back when I was gorgeous,
everybody wanted a piece of me,Copy !req
146. but somehow I just never made it
to the big time.Copy !req
147. Why not?Copy !req
148. 'Cause I got knocked out
40 times in a row.Copy !req
149. That plus politics.
You know, it's all politics.Copy !req
150. Lousy Democrats.Copy !req
151. Homer, of all
the crazy ideas you've hadCopy !req
152. this one ranks
somewhere in the middle.Copy !req
153. You're 38 years old.Copy !req
154. You don't know how to boxCopy !req
155. and you haven't gotten
any exercise since grade school.Copy !req
156. Before you even consider this,
I insist you consult a doctor.Copy !req
157. No problemo.Copy !req
158. A competent doctor!Copy !req
159. Well, sir, you more than meetCopy !req
160. every one of this state's
requirementsCopy !req
161. to box, wrestle
or be shot out of a cannon.Copy !req
162. That's what we getCopy !req
163. for living in a state
founded by circus freaks.Copy !req
164. You have an absolutely unique
genetic conditionCopy !req
165. known as
"Homer Simpson syndrome."Copy !req
166. Oh, why me?Copy !req
167. Don't worry,
it's quite beneficial.Copy !req
168. Your brain is cushioned
by a layer of fluidCopy !req
169. one-eighth of an inch thicker
than normal.Copy !req
170. It's almost as if you're wearingCopy !req
171. a football helmet
inside your head.Copy !req
172. Why, I could wallop you all day
with this surgical 2x4Copy !req
173. without ever knocking you down,
but I have other appointments.Copy !req
174. All right, Homer
let's see the left.Copy !req
175. O-kay.Copy !req
176. Let's see the right.Copy !req
177. Just a second.Copy !req
178. When you're ready.Copy !req
179. All right.Copy !req
180. I'm ready.Copy !req
181. Wait a minute.Copy !req
182. All right.Copy !req
183. Wait a minute.
Just a second.Copy !req
184. Okay, punching isn't your thing,
but that's okay.Copy !req
185. You're not that kind
of fighter.Copy !req
186. What you're going to do
is stand thereCopy !req
187. while your opponent gets
exhausted from overpunching.Copy !req
188. Then I can just push him over.Copy !req
189. That's right, and if the ref's
not lookingCopy !req
190. you can kick him
a couple of times.Copy !req
191. - Who's gonna knock you down?
- No one.Copy !req
192. - When are you gonna fight back?
- Never!Copy !req
193. - What are you gonna do?
- Nothing!Copy !req
194. That's my boy!Copy !req
195. Man, you'd never get me
into a ring.Copy !req
196. Boxing causes brain damage.Copy !req
197. Okay, you're fighting
a guy named Boxcar Bob.Copy !req
198. Brawled his way up
from the boxcars, did he?Copy !req
199. No, not yet.Copy !req
200. He still lives
at the train yardCopy !req
201. but he's a hungry
young fighter.Copy !req
202. In fact, he's actually
fighting for a sandwich.Copy !req
203. Homer, I want you to
have my lucky mitts.Copy !req
204. I hope you do better
with them than I did.Copy !req
205. Gee, thanks, Moe.Copy !req
206. What's this?Copy !req
207. Ah, that's the barbed wire.Copy !req
208. We called that
"the stinger."Copy !req
209. They don't let you
use that no more.Copy !req
210. Now, no matter
how much he hits you,Copy !req
211. you don't do
nothing, okay?Copy !req
212. You don't want
to get drawnCopy !req
213. into a boxing
match here.Copy !req
214. Way to go, Dad!
Take those punches!Copy !req
215. Man, that tramp's
got the energy of a hobo.Copy !req
216. Yeah, he never
stops punchingCopy !req
217. except to check
out his bindle.Copy !req
218. Okay, Homer, he's tired.
He's tired.Copy !req
219. Now's your chance.
Nudge him, nudge him.Copy !req
220. Hello, Moe.Copy !req
221. Delightful to see you again.Copy !req
222. Lucius! Hey, what's a glitterati
like you doing in my dump?Copy !req
223. I thought you were managing
the champ.Copy !req
224. Yes, managing Drederick
has been my highest priorityCopy !req
225. even though he is
temporarily incarceratedCopy !req
226. for pushing his mother
down the stairs,Copy !req
227. but with his
impending releaseCopy !req
228. I've been strategizing
for his glorious returnCopy !req
229. to the shores of fistiana.Copy !req
230. Uh... what?Copy !req
231. His comeback fight.Copy !req
232. You know... boxing?Copy !req
233. Oh, man. Yeah.Copy !req
234. Well, who's donating his body
for that one, huh?Copy !req
235. Well, word is you manage
a stalwart young pugilistCopy !req
236. who cannot be knocked down.Copy !req
237. Homer?Copy !req
238. You want Homer to fight Tatum?Copy !req
239. Well, the fans are weary
of fights that are overCopy !req
240. before they have
an opportunityCopy !req
241. to even get drunk.Copy !req
242. I just need a bodyCopy !req
243. who can sustain
verticalityCopy !req
244. for three rounds.Copy !req
245. Yeah, but Homer's no boxer.Copy !req
246. He's just a freak.Copy !req
247. Tatum will fustigate him.Copy !req
248. Well, fustigation aside, Moe,Copy !req
249. you've got a choice.Copy !req
250. You can either sit here
in the ladies' roomCopy !req
251. with your faded memories,Copy !req
252. or you can take your last shot
at the big timeCopy !req
253. and I can make it happen.Copy !req
254. Three rounds.
That's all I ask.Copy !req
255. I got to be honest
with you, Homer.Copy !req
256. I didn't bring you up here
to show you my new tar paper.Copy !req
257. You didn't?Copy !req
258. No. Homer,
how would you likeCopy !req
259. to be heavyweight champion
of the world?Copy !req
260. - Oh, sure.
- Great.Copy !req
261. All you got to do
is fight Drederick Tatum.Copy !req
262. It's this Saturday.
Here's your parking pass.Copy !req
263. Ooh. "General."Copy !req
264. Who's Drederick Tatum,
anyway?Copy !req
265. - Is he another hobo?
- Uh... you know what?Copy !req
266. I'm gonna have to
check on that.Copy !req
267. Well, I trust you, Moe.Copy !req
268. If you say I can
beat this guyCopy !req
269. then he doesn't
stand a chance.Copy !req
270. Hey, guys, come on.
Shut up.Copy !req
271. We didn't know
you were here.Copy !req
272. - Sorry, champ.
- It was Jerry.Copy !req
273. Champ, champ.Copy !req
274. Do you feel remorse
for your crime?Copy !req
275. Oh, yes.
Believe me, my God,Copy !req
276. if I could turn back the clock
on my mother's stair pushing,Copy !req
277. I would certainly reconsider it.Copy !req
278. Drederick, what do you think
of Homer Simpson?Copy !req
279. I think he's a good man,
I like him.Copy !req
280. I got nothing against him,Copy !req
281. but I'm definitely gonna
make orphans of his children.Copy !req
282. You know,
they do have a mother, champ.Copy !req
283. Yes, but I would imagine
that she would die of grief.Copy !req
284. Thank you, thank youCopy !req
285. but the champ has no time
for further queries.Copy !req
286. This parole hearing
is over.Copy !req
287. I wanted to know what it was
like in prison.Copy !req
288. Homer,
why are they sayingCopy !req
289. you're going to fight
Drederick Tatum?Copy !req
290. Uh... well...Copy !req
291. I was gonna
surprise you, but...Copy !req
292. happy anniversary, baby!Copy !req
293. Have you lost your mind?Copy !req
294. Oh, come on!Copy !req
295. I'll make a fortune
for one night's work.Copy !req
296. We can have all the things
we always dreamed of...Copy !req
297. A snooty butler,
carpeted carports,Copy !req
298. those blue cupcakes
they sell sometimes...Copy !req
299. But you'll get killed.Copy !req
300. Marge, will you
let me finish?Copy !req
301. Plug-in room
deodorizers,Copy !req
302. front and rear spoilers
for the car.Copy !req
303. Mom's right, Dad.Copy !req
304. The odds against you winning
are a thousand to one.Copy !req
305. I don't think
it's that unlikely.Copy !req
306. Those are the odds
they're giving in Vegas.Copy !req
307. All rightCopy !req
308. I think we've heard
just about enoughCopy !req
309. from Mr. Newspaper today.Copy !req
310. Society put
Drederick Tatum awayCopy !req
311. for his brutal crime,Copy !req
312. but he's paid his debt,Copy !req
313. and now he's going
to get revengeCopy !req
314. on Homer Simpson.Copy !req
315. Yay!Copy !req
316. That's your daddy.Copy !req
317. T-shirts. Get your T-shirts.Copy !req
318. Tell them where you've been
by wearing a T-shirt.Copy !req
319. You'll be okay, Dad.Copy !req
320. Just make sure he hits you
an even number of timesCopy !req
321. so you don't end up
with amnesia.Copy !req
322. Moe, I'm so glad
I found you.Copy !req
323. Please, promise me
you won't let Homer get hurt.Copy !req
324. Hey, I'm not the
villain here, okay?Copy !req
325. If Homer gets killed
in the ring tonight,Copy !req
326. it will be because of
your negative attitude.Copy !req
327. - There, I said it.
- Listen to me!Copy !req
328. The instant that Homer's
in any kind of danger,Copy !req
329. I want you to
throw in this towelCopy !req
330. and stop the fight!Copy !req
331. All right, all right,
all right, I promise, okay?Copy !req
332. Thank you.Copy !req
333. Celebrities at ringside tonight:Copy !req
334. Star of the "McBain"
action filmsCopy !req
335. and feature player in the
Hollywood prostitution scandal,Copy !req
336. Rainier Wolfcastle!Copy !req
337. TV anchorman and
Springfield institution,Copy !req
338. Mr. Kent Brockman!Copy !req
339. This just in:
Go to hell.Copy !req
340. From the world
of organized crime,Copy !req
341. say hello to
Anthony "Fat Tony" D'Amico!Copy !req
342. And the ruiner
of events worldwide...Copy !req
343. Title fights, the Super Bowl
and the Nixon funeral...Copy !req
344. Ladies and gentlemen,
the Fan Man.Copy !req
345. Ah, cripes.Copy !req
346. Now I've got to comb
this side over.Copy !req
347. All right, Homer,
I'm not gonna lie to you...Copy !req
348. There's a good chance
you can beat TatumCopy !req
349. but you've got to visualize
how you're gonna win, okay?Copy !req
350. Gotcha.Copy !req
351. A congenital heart defect
has apparently felled TatumCopy !req
352. moments before he could
step into the ring.Copy !req
353. And now, please welcome back
into decent society,Copy !req
354. ladies and gentlemen,Copy !req
355. the heavyweight champion
of the world,Copy !req
356. Drederick Tatum!Copy !req
357. Let's get ready to rumble!Copy !req
358. In this corner we have
the full-body snatcher.Copy !req
359. P-funkadelic
and I gotcha.Copy !req
360. Hard enough that I could
chew a whole bag of rock.Copy !req
361. Chew an avenue
chew an off street.Copy !req
362. And to challenge
the irresistible forceCopy !req
363. of TatumCopy !req
364. we have the immovable object.Copy !req
365. He's been called
"the brick hithouse"Copy !req
366. and is also known as
"the southern dandy,".Copy !req
367. Homer Simpson!Copy !req
368. Why can't we be friends?Copy !req
369. Why can't we be friends?Copy !req
370. Why can't we be friends?Copy !req
371. Your boy looks
a little soft, Moe.Copy !req
372. You do remember
our arrangement?Copy !req
373. Yeah, don't worry.Copy !req
374. You'll get your
three rounds.Copy !req
375. Stupendous.Copy !req
376. Because if he goes down
before that bell rings,Copy !req
377. your future's going with him.Copy !req
378. Okey-doke. Future
down the crapper. Gotcha.Copy !req
379. Due to popular demand,Copy !req
380. we will forgo
our national anthem.Copy !req
381. And now, ladies and gentlemen.Copy !req
382. I-I-I-let's get ready
to rumb-I-I-le!Copy !req
383. Okay, Homer, nothing
to be worried about. Just...Copy !req
384. Wow! I've never seen Dad
hit somebody like that before.Copy !req
385. What are you
talking about?Copy !req
386. Isn't Dad the one
in the black trunks?Copy !req
387. No.Copy !req
388. What, what,
what am I missing? What?Copy !req
389. And there's Tatum
showboating for the crowd.Copy !req
390. Geez, only six seconds in.Copy !req
391. Attaboy, Homer.
Keep dancing.Copy !req
392. Showing utter disdain for
his opponent's abilities,Copy !req
393. Tatum is taking a short,
midround breatherCopy !req
394. to converse with actor
Charlie Sheen.Copy !req
395. You know what's great there
is the sea bass.Copy !req
396. They do it blackened or sauteed.
It's stupendous.Copy !req
397. Okay, break it up,
break it up, you two.Copy !req
398. Homer!Copy !req
399. Homer, he's not going
to get tired.Copy !req
400. You've got
to hit him back.Copy !req
401. Hit him back!Copy !req
402. That cactus is right.Copy !req
403. I've only got one chance.Copy !req
404. I've got to knock him out.Copy !req
405. D-o-h-h-h-h!Copy !req
406. Hang in there, Homer.Copy !req
407. Only 440 more seconds.Copy !req
408. He's getting
his second wind.Copy !req
409. No. He's getting killed.Copy !req
410. He's gonna die
on his feet.Copy !req
411. I can't watch this.Copy !req
412. I've got to get out of here.Copy !req
413. Fight!Copy !req
414. Somebody stop the fight!Copy !req
415. Where's the doctor?Copy !req
416. Kill him! Kill him!Copy !req
417. It looks like it's all over.Copy !req
418. Tatum wants to finish this
with one punch,Copy !req
419. and here it comes.Copy !req
420. Oh, my God!Copy !req
421. Simpson's managerCopy !req
422. has flown into the ring
and is airlifting him out.Copy !req
423. Ladies and gentlemen,Copy !req
424. whatever dignity
remained in boxingCopy !req
425. is literally flying out
the window.Copy !req
426. Are you an angel?Copy !req
427. Yes, Homer, I'm an angel.Copy !req
428. All us angels
wear Farah slacks.Copy !req
429. But you stopped the fight.Copy !req
430. Won't everyone
be mad at you?Copy !req
431. Let them be mad.Copy !req
432. The only thing
that matters to meCopy !req
433. is you're safe.Copy !req
434. Sorry.Copy !req
435. Homer, your managerCopy !req
436. obviously loves
you very much.Copy !req
437. Lucius, would you
do that for me?Copy !req
438. Absolutely, I would.Copy !req
439. Now get in the van.Copy !req
440. You couldn't even give me
one lousy round, Moe.Copy !req
441. You will always
be a loser.Copy !req
442. Now take your check
for $100,000Copy !req
443. and get out
of my sight.Copy !req
444. I don't need
your stinking money.Copy !req
445. Oh, Homie, are you okay?Copy !req
446. I can't remember
where we parked.Copy !req
447. That's all right.Copy !req
448. We'll just wait till
everyone else leaves.Copy !req
449. I got your tooth, Dad.Copy !req
450. Uh, not mine.Copy !req
451. Thank you, Moe.Copy !req
452. I know you gave up
your dreams for Homer.Copy !req
453. Well, what do dreams
matter, Marge?Copy !req
454. I was able to stick up
for a pal.Copy !req
455. Well, so long, Springfield.Copy !req
456. Where are you going?Copy !req
457. Nowheres in particular.Copy !req
458. I just need some time to think.Copy !req
459. Hey, there you are!Copy !req
460. You give me
that contraption back!Copy !req
461. People who need people.Copy !req
462. Are the luckiest people.Copy !req
463. In the world.Copy !req
464. With one person.Copy !req
465. One very special person.Copy !req
466. They're
the luckiest people.Copy !req
467. In the world.Copy !req
468. ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.Copy !req