The Simpsons 8x25

Directed by Mike B. Anderson

Willem Dafoe as The Commandant / Jack Lassen (voice) • Willem Dafoe as Commandant (voice) • Marcia Wallace as Edna Krabappel (voice)

Lisa joins the all-male military school where Bart is sent for discipline. Then comes the hazing.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. The Simpsons.

2. Hello? Hello?

3. We're here for the field trip.

4. Sorry. Sorry.

5. Boy, it's getting harder and harder

6. to make it here by 10:00.

7. We'll start the tour in a second.

8. I've just got to check the answering machine.

9. Oh, can't anybody in this town

10. take the law into their own hands?

11. Gather around, kids.

12. We're about to enter the museum...

13. Oh, man.

14. of crime.

15. Now, what I am about to show you next

16. may shock and educate you.

17. Hold on to your values

18. as we step through the looking glass

19. into a hippie pot party.

20. While Johnny Welfare plays

21. acid rock on a stolen guitar,

22. his old lady has a better idea.

23. That's right.

24. She's got the munchies

25. for a California cheeseburger.

26. So the next time

27. you're walking on the beach enjoying an hourglass

28. or making cheap low-grade windshields,

29. think where we'd be without sand.

30. Sand, sand.

31. Sand.

32. Okay, that was the sand movie.

33. Now, it'll just take me a second to set up our next movie.

34. Oh, Miss Hoover, movies are a nice break,

35. but couldn't we be doing something a little more challenging?

36. Probably.

37. The moon...

38. For several years, she has fascinated many.

39. But will man ever walk on her fertile surface?

40. Democratic hopeful Adlai Stevenson says so.

41. I have no objection to man walking on the moon.

42. By 1964, experts say man will have established

43. 12 colonies on the moon... Ideal for family vacations.

44. Once there, you'll weigh only a small percentage

45. of what you weigh on earth.

46. Slow down, tubby. You're not on the moon yet.

47. The moon belongs to America

48. and anxiously awaits the arrival of our astro men.

49. Will you be among them?

50. Miss Hoover, the movie's over.

51. Where's Miss Hoover?

52. Hey, her car's gone.

53. Maybe she drove to the moon.

54. It's not my nature to complain, but so far today,

55. we've had three movies, two filmstrips,

56. and an hour and a half of magazine time.

57. I just don't feel challenged.

58. Of course, we can make things more challenging, Lisa,

59. but then the stupider students would be in here complaining,

60. furrowing their brows in a vain attempt

61. to understand the situation.

62. We're now in the Communications Room

63. or the Com Room.

64. Uh, this is a police radio...

65. The single most important piece of equipment in the Com Room.

66. As you can see, some of the boys like to put

67. their banana stickers all over it.

68. There's Chiquita. There's Del Monte.

69. There's a Banana Co.,

70. Gorilla's Choice.

71. Now, everyone follow me to my chair,

72. where I just need to get off my feet for a few minutes.

73. Ah... I won't be getting up soon.

74. Testing.

75. Testing.

76. Hey.

77. Testing!

78. Testing, testing, testing...

79. Testing, testing...

80. You've really done it this time, Bart!

81. You're in for the punishment of a lifetime!

82. When do you expect the ringing will stop?

83. In about ten to 15 seconds.

84. I certainly hope so!

85. Ooh! That's better.

86. Now, about your punishment, young man.

87. I know. I'll go to my room and think about what I did.

88. Oh, no. Your room is full of toys.

89. You're going to the, uh, garage.

90. You're the boss.

91. I tell you, Chief,

92. I just don't know what we're going to do with him.

93. You know, you do have options.

94. For example, there are behavior-modifying drugs.

95. How wedded are you to the Bart you know?

96. - Not very. - No. No drugs.

97. Bart just needs a little discipline.

98. Hey, what about military school?

99. It set my brother straight.

100. Now he owns and operates a famous cave.

101. Hmm. You know, maybe Chief Wiggum is right.

102. Military school is a good idea.

103. Wow! I can't believe we're going to Disneyland.

104. Hey, where's all your luggage?

105. - Hurray! - Oh, yeah!

106. You dream about this day for so long.

107. Then when it comes, you don't know what to say.

108. Edna, your tears say more than words ever could.

109. Military school?

110. You lied to me.

111. Well, I'm sorry if you heard Disneyland,

112. but I distinctly said military school.

113. And that's how we'll mold your boy

114. into a productive member of society...

115. Through an intensive program

116. of push-ups and formation marching.

117. Well, it certainly was nice of you

118. to accept Bart in the middle of the semester.

119. Fortunately, we've had a couple of recent freak-outs.

120. So that freed up a couple of bunks.

121. - Freak-outs? - If that happens,

122. are we still charged for the entire semester?

123. Our high standards challenge students

124. to reach their full potential.

125. Look at how disciplined they are.

126. They're just like the terra-cotta warriors of Xian.

127. They sure are.

128. That's not so disciplined.

129. They're just children, Mr. Simpson.

130. Pww! I guess.

131. Truth is beauty, beauty truth, sir!

132. They're discussing poetry.

133. Oh! We never do that at my school.

134. But the truth can be harsh and disturbing.

135. How can that be considered beautiful?

136. Oh, they sure sucked the fun out of that poem.

137. Please don't make me stay, Dad.

138. I'll do anything you say.

139. I'll find religion; I'll be good, sometimes.

140. - Let go of my leg. - No!

141. Son, for the last time you're staying at military school.

142. And so am I.

143. This school has everything I ever wanted.

144. Lisa, no!

145. This place is just a jail for children.

146. No jail can hold me.

147. All right, let's go over this one more time,

148. just to make sure I understand the situation.

149. You're a girl?

150. - Yes. - Oh, gosh darn it.

151. I just don't understand the situation.

152. You're a girl.

153. All I want is a chance to prove myself.

154. In our 185 years, we have never had a female cadet.

155. Oh, but that seems to be the way

156. the wind is blowing these days.

157. After all, we have female singers...

158. female motorists.

159. Welcome aboard.

160. Lisa, if you ever want to quit and come home,

161. I'll be here in half a jif.

162. I want to quit and come home.

163. I want to quit and come home.

164. Oh, honey, I heard you the first time.

165. Atten-hut!

166. Gentlemen, we now have a girl cadet among our ranks,

167. so we're going to have to make a few changes.

168. First of all, Franklin,

169. you are no longer the girliest cadet here.

170. Well, we'll see about that.

171. Second, this is now the girls' barracks.

172. So pack your things. You're moving in with company "L."

173. Company "L"? But they smell.

174. Yes, we've all heard the chant.

175. Now, fall out!

176. Sorry. Sorry.

177. I know we'll be friends.

178. Talk about getting off on the wrong foot.

179. I can't believe they let a girl in.

180. Don't worry. We'll drive her out of the academy.

181. That is why God created hazing.

182. What's the matter?

183. Don't girls like doing push-ups in the mud?

184. Is there any answer I can give

185. that won't result in more push-ups?

186. No.

187. Hey, look, it's the school motto.

188. "I'll die before I surrender, Tim."

189. Who's Tim?

190. Apparently, Tim was somebody who was with the general

191. moments before he was shot in the head.

192. Cleaning graffiti off a statue

193. makes a mockery of everything I stand for.

194. I don't think I can survive here, Lise.

195. That's how they want you to feel.

196. But if you just hang in there,

197. they'll eventually accept you.

198. Get to work!

199. I want to see my face in that horse's ass.

200. Okay, that's long enough.

201. Let's see how they're doing.

202. Had enough?

203. What's say you, men?

204. Has this lowly maggot passed the test?

205. Congratulations, Bart. You made it.

206. Hey, what about me? I'm a lowly maggot.

207. Well, since you attended public school,

208. I'm going to assume that

209. you're already proficient with small arms.

210. So we'll start you off with something

211. a little more advanced.

212. Four out of five, Simpson... Impressive.

213. But you missed your last target.

214. Did I?

215. You're a born soldier, Simpson.

216. Too bad it doesn't run in your family.

217. Uh, could someone help me?

218. It's stuck on "auto fire."

219. - Brad, you hear anything? - No!

220. Maybe you should just learn to use this.

221. If there's a war, just blow on it,

222. and I'll come help you.

223. I am just calling home.

224. I am not asking to come home.

225. Marge! You got that?

226. Marge!

227. Hey, go on, boy.

228. Go get it.

229. Answer the phone.

230. There's got to be something

231. on this thing for that thing.

232. - Simpson. - Hot diggity!

233. I don't care if it's bad news.

234. Oh, Grampa, you're not busy, are you?

235. Well, you're really asking two questions there.

236. The first one takes me back to 1934.

237. Admiral Byrd had just reached the pole

238. only hours ahead of the three stooges.

239. And I guess he won the argument,

240. but I walked away with the turnips.

241. The following morning,

242. I resigned my commission in the Coast Guard.

243. The next thing I heard, there was civil war in Spain.

244. And that's everything that happened in my life

245. right up to the time I got this phone call.

246. Uh-huh. So, anything else you wanna talk about?

247. Oh, I'm afraid I'd just be repeating myself, honey.

248. Anyway, other people need to use the phone.

249. I've already talked to her for 20 damn minutes.

250. You're all right.

251. What is it?

252. Bart, I got a cassette from Mom and Dad.

253. I thought we could listen to it together.

254. Ah, gee, Lise, I'd love to

255. but this really isn't a good time.

256. - Bart, who you talking to? - Uh...

257. Lisa. You're talking to Lisa.

258. I'm talking to...

259. No one.

260. All right, lights out!

261. Ow! Damn it!

262. Lights on. Lights on.

263. Lights out. Lights out.

264. And don't worry, sweetie.

265. It's very common to be homesick

266. when you're so far away from the people who love you.

267. Okay, I'm not going to give up.

268. Solitude never hurt anyone.

269. Emily Dickinson lived alone,

270. and she wrote some of the most beautiful poetry

271. the world has ever known...

272. Hmm... and went crazy as a loon.

273. You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.

274. You make me happy when skies are gray.

275. You'll never know, dear, how much I love you.

276. So don't take my sunshine away.

277. Sorry I froze you out, Lise.

278. I just didn't want the guys to think

279. I'd gone soft on the girl issue.

280. I'm tired of being an issue, Bart.

281. Maybe everyone would be better off if I just quit.

282. But if you quit, it'd be like

283. an expert knot-tier quitting a knot-tying contest

284. right in the middle of tying a knot.

285. Why'd you say that?

286. I don't know. I was looking at my shoelaces.

287. Look, the point is you're going to make it, Lise,

288. and I'm gonna stick by you.

289. Don't do that.

290. Why should we both be outcasts?

291. Then I'll just stick by you in secret

292. like a sock-maker secretly working on a top secret sock...

293. Will you stop looking at your feet?

294. Well, cadets, it's been a great year.

295. You've all worked very hard developing

296. academic skills and general killing skills.

297. My killing teacher says I'm a natural.

298. But these skills are nothing without courage and stamina.

299. Traditionally, the academy tested these virtues

300. by pitting you against each other

301. in a two-day Battle Royale.

302. That was prior to 1957.

303. Thank you very much, State Supreme Court.

304. Consequently now, no cadet can receive a passing grade

305. for the academic year without first conquering this.

306. Meet "The Eliminator."

307. That's a 150-foot hand-over-hand crawl

308. across a 60-gauge hemp-jute line with a blister factor of 12.

309. The rope is suspended a full 40 feet

310. over a solid British acre of old-growth Connecticut Valley thorn bushes.

311. Gentlemen, welcome to Flavor Country.

312. This wasn't in the brochure.

313. Hey, Bart, come on over here. There's plenty of room.

314. "Meet me at the Eliminator after lights out.

315. "P.S... The cadets are planning

316. to throw their meatballs at you."

317. That's it, Lise. Now start crawling.

318. Oh, it's too hard. My hand is slipping.

319. I can't do this, Bart. I'm not strong enough.

320. I thought you came here looking for a challenge.

321. Duh. A challenge I could do.

322. It was worth sneaking into town.

323. That was some good corn.

324. Uh, hey, Simpson. What are you doing out here?

325. - Nothing. - Nothing? Doesn't look like nothing.

326. Oh, yeah? Well... um...

327. What are you doing out here?

328. Uh... also nothing.

329. Well.

330. Okay.

331. - Okay. - Then carry on.

332. All right, we will.

333. That was close.

334. Bees.

335. Bees.

336. Bees? Aah!

337. Gentlemen, I regret to inform you

338. that the State Supreme Court has determined

339. that forcing cadets to cross the eliminator

340. is a barbaric and malicious practice.

341. - Yes! - Hence, you will be the last class

342. to be subjected to it.

343. Anderson, you're up.

344. Son of a...

345. Jeez.

346. Good job, Simpson.

347. Although that's more cursing than I like to hear

348. from a cadet in peace time.

349. Last up...

350. Simpson, Lisa.

351. Well, at least they're talking to me.

352. If only I were in Springfield,

353. all my friends would be cheering me on.

354. Oh, God, I'm delirious.

355. Drop, drop, drop,

356. drop, drop, drop, drop, drop, drop...

357. You can make it, Lisa. I know you can.

358. Come on, I know you can do it.

359. Just get your hands back on the rope.

360. It's just a little further.

361. Come on, just a little bit more. You're doing great.

362. That's it. Come on, just a little bit more.

363. I know you can do it! I believe in you!

364. Yes!

365. You thought I couldn't,

366. but I could, I did, and I could do it again.

367. Let's do it again!

368. Lisa, it's over; You made it.

369. You can put your arms down.

370. I can't. They're stuck.

371. We're going to make your life a living hell

372. for the rest of the semester.

373. But graduation's in three hours.

374. Oh, we better go change.

375. The wars of the future

376. will not be fought on a battlefield or at sea.

377. They will be fought in space...

378. Or possibly on top of a very tall mountain.

379. In either case, most of the actual fighting

380. will be done by small robots,

381. and as you go forth today, remember always,

382. your duty is clear, to build and maintain those robots.

383. Thank you.

384. Well, Bart...

385. Did you make sure to return all the guns?

386. Sir, yes, sir. Luckily I am now trained

387. in six additional forms of unarmed combat, sir.

388. - Well, he's got more confidence. - Uh, yeah.

389. I've always said the boy could use more confidence.

390. Lisa, before you go,

391. I want to present you with this.

392. A medal?

393. Thank you, sir.

394. "For satisfactory completion

395. of the second grade."

396. Well, kids,

397. we're so proud of the way you completed military school,

398. we thought this time, we'd take you to Disneyland for real.

399. - Yay! - Yay!

400. - Hey! - Hey!

401. ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.