The Simpsons 8x24

Directed by Neil Affleck

Tress MacNeille as Angela Dare / Gwen the waitress / Homer's cousin's wife (voice) • Tim Conway as Tim Conway (voice) • Gailard Sartain as Big Daddy (voice) • Phil Hartman as Troy McClure (voice)

Troy McClure presents three Simpsons spinoff spoofs: In "Chief Wiggum, P.I.," Chief Wiggum becomes a New Orleans detective. Next, Grampa Simpson's soul is trapped inside Moe's Love tester machine in "The Love-Matic Grampa." Finally, the Simpson family hosts a '70s-style variety show.

Request examples:

!req The Simpsons 8x24 [02:32]
!req The Simpsons 8x24 [The Simpsons 8x24]
Syntax: !req EPISODE [quote or timestamp] (max. 8 square brackets)

For quotes, now you can request by index (e.g !req The Simpsons 8x24 [10-11]; !req The Simpsons 8x24 [20] [24]). Keep in mind, though, that index numbers might change at any time.
You can also generate a copy command with the quotes. Hover the desired subtitle and enter the amount of lines you want to copy.

Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. Spin-off!

2. Is there any word more thrilling to the human soul?

3. Hi. I'm Troy McClure.

4. You may remember me from such TV spin-offs

5. as "Son of Sanford and Son" and "After Mannix."

6. I'm here at the Museum of TV and Television

7. with a real treat for Simpsons fans, if any,

8. because, tonight, we present the...

9. Not long ago, the Fox Network approached

10. the producers of "The Simpsons" with a simple request:

11. 35 new shows to fill a few holes

12. in their programming lineup.

13. That's a pretty daunting task,

14. and the producers weren't up to it.

15. Instead, they churned out three Simpsons spin-offs,

16. transplanting already popular characters

17. into new locales and situations.

18. First up, a gritty crime drama

19. starring Springfield's beloved police chief Wiggum.

20. Keep at least one eye open,

21. 'cause his best friends, The Simpsons,

22. just might pop in to wish him luck.

23. Let's us wish him luck, too.

24. Good luck, Wiggum.

25. Ah, New Orleans.

26. The Big Easy.

27. Sweet Lady Gumbo.

28. Old Swampy.

29. I still don't understand, Clancy.

30. Why give up your job as a small-town police chief

31. to set up a detective shop in New Orleans?

32. Oh, lots of reasons, I suppose.

33. Got kicked off the force for one thing.

34. For massive corruption.

35. - For massive corr— Exactly. - Yeah.

36. As for me, I was born and bred here

37. in the mean streets of "N'awlins."

38. Oh, sure, I left briefly

39. to take that principal's job in Springfield,

40. but in my heart,

41. I've always been a small-time hustler.

42. I know. That's precisely why I hired you

43. as my leg man, Skinny Boy.

44. I want you to put the word out.

45. Chief Wiggum is here to clean up this crime dump.

46. Bleh.

47. Hmm? Looks like you've already got an enemy, Chief.

48. You know, folks around here don't much care for law-and-order types.

49. Is that right? Well, maybe they'll change their minds

50. once I arrest them for throwing skulls all over my floor.

51. Hmm.

52. Aw, man, what a day.

53. It's no cakewalk being a single parent

54. juggling a career and a family

55. like so many juggling balls.

56. Two, I suppose.

57. Daddy, these rubber pants are hot.

58. You wear them until you learn, son.

59. Mwah.

60. - I gar-ohn-tee... - Will you stop saying that?

61. So, Skinner, who do you figure threw that skull through my window?

62. What's the word on the street?

63. Well, to be honest, Chief,

64. I haven't lived in New Orleans for 42 years.

65. Although...

66. according to an article I read in "Parade" magazine,

67. a criminal by the name of "Big Daddy" runs this town.

68. Big Daddy, eh?

69. Well, he won't feel so big

70. if he messes with Chief Wiggum, P.I. again,

71. which I sincerely doubt he will.

72. Hey.

73. Oh, God!

74. Lucky for you, this was just a warning gator.

75. The next one won't be corked.

76. Listen up, Big Daddy!

77. You don't scare me.

78. I'm three steps ahead of you.

79. Oh, Chief? Your boy has been kidnapped.

80. Oh, God!

81. Big Daddy's trademark calling card.

82. See, it's right here inside the skull.

83. Looks like we've got our first case ever, Skinny Boy,

84. and this time it's personal.

85. Chief Wiggum, P.I. will return right now.

86. Who is this?

87. It's me, Chief. I'm on the other extension.

88. Now, you listen up, mon ami,

89. and you listen good, heah?

90. The name's Daddy, Charles Daddy.

91. Big Daddy! What have you done with my boy, Daddy?

92. Ah, the boy is fine, so far.

93. I taught him to play the spoons.

94. If you ever want to see that boy again,

95. I suggest you leave town today, heah?

96. Huh. Sounded like some sort of party

97. going on in the background.

98. Are there any parties today, Skinner?

99. Nah. It's not really a party town,

100. though if I remember correctly, they occasionally hold

101. a function called Mardi... something.

102. Ahh.

103. - (giggling) - Huh?

104. If it isn't my old friends from Springfield,

105. the Simpsons.

106. What brings you folks to New Orleans?

107. Mardi Gras, man. When the Big Easy calls,

108. you got to accept the charges.

109. Chief Wiggum, I can't wait to hear

110. about the exciting, sexy adventures

111. you're sure to have against this colorful backdrop.

112. Golly, I'd love to chat, but my son's been kidnapped.

113. You haven't seen him, have you?

114. Caucasian male between the ages of six and ten,

115. thinning hair.

116. Over there.

117. Look, Big Daddy, it's Regular Daddy.

118. The Chief!

119. Ooh, I suppose I best to run.

120. Lord have mercy, I wish I weren't so fat.

121. Police business.

122. Hang on, son, I'm coming to— Ow, ow!

123. Hey, my tongue.

124. Hee-ya!

125. Ha! Ha!

126. Nah! Nah!

127. (whistles) What do you suppose the rent is on a hideout like that?

128. It's not rented, Chief. It's stolen.

129. That's the Louisiana Governor's Mansion.

130. It's been missing for eight months.

131. (gasps) You!

132. Welcome to my maison, Chief.

133. I've been expecting you.

134. Is that so, Big Daddy?

135. Well, expect this—

136. the arrest of you by me.

137. Mais, cher, New Orleans is my town.

138. Won't nobody going to mess with me.

139. I got interests, and I ain't talking about stamp collecting,

140. though I do find that extremely interesting.

141. Oh, yeah? Well, that makes two of us.

142. You know, boys

143. there's an old saying down on the bayou that...

144. He's gradually getting away, Chief.

145. Ah, let him go.

146. I have a feeling

147. we'll meet again each and every week,

148. always in more sexy and exciting ways.

149. Daddy, when I grow up, I want to be just like you.

150. Better start eating, kid.

151. Start eating?

152. I didn't mean it that way.

153. Oh, hi.

154. Welcome back to our spin-off showcase.

155. Could "The Simpsons" ever have maintained its popularity

156. without Moe the Bartender?

157. Let's hope so, because Moe's leaving to do his own sitcom.

158. But don't panic. He's taking a familiar sidekick with him.

159. And his best friend Homer might just pop in to wish him luck.

160. Let's take a peek.

161. Well, I'd better go.

162. I got a date with that lady

163. in front of the drug store

164. who's always yelling things.

165. She told me she was washing her hair tonight.

166. Oh, I'm so desperately lonely.

167. Aw, quit your bellyaching, you big loser.

168. Who...? Who said that?

169. I did. It's me, Abe Simpson.

170. But you're d-d-dead.

171. I was, but I've come back...

172. as your love testing machine.

173. I'm the Love-Matic Grampa.

174. Don't be afraid, Moe.

175. I'm here to help you with your romantic problems.

176. Hey, I don't need no advice from no pinball machine.

177. I'll have you know, I wrote the book on love.

178. Yeah. All quiet on the Western front.

179. Ooh...

180. Aw, kiss my dishrag.

181. See, that's your problem.

182. You're a crab.

183. Ladies like sweet-talkers.

184. Hey, I'm sweet. I'm sweeter than Jewish wine.

185. Then prove it. I want you to charm the next pretty young thing

186. that walks through that door.

187. Mm, greetings.

188. Son, it's me.

189. I floated up toward heaven, but got lost along the way.

190. Dad, is that really you?

191. Darn tootin', you lousy fink.

192. You buried me naked

193. and sold my suit to buy a ping-pong table.

194. - What kind of a son— - (electricity zaps)

195. Call me when you get a karaoke machine.

196. That's the second time he pulled the plug on me.

197. I was just in a car accident. Can I use your phone?

198. Using the phone's a four-drink minimum.

199. What's the matter? I'm making as nice as I can.

200. Test-lady. Test-lady.

201. Go ahead, give it a try.

202. It goes by how clammy your hands are.

203. Well, I suppose I could use a laugh after that accident.

204. Lovelorn. You need man.

205. Moe near now.

206. Go near Moe.

207. - What? - Go near Moe.

208. I'd say that's a pretty strong endorsement.

209. So how about you and me go out sometime?

210. You know, out back.

211. - (buzzing) - I mean, out to dinner...

212. at a fancy French restaurant?

213. - Bing! - Sounds great.

214. And if this love tester is as accurate as it looks,

215. maybe we'll be having breakfast, too.

216. Wooo!

217. You did it, Grampa.

218. You really are a love expert.

219. Dang right.

220. Fact is, I invented kissing.

221. It was during World War I,

222. and they were looking

223. for a new way to spread germs.

224. Sorry, Grampa, but I got to stash you in the bathroom,

225. so Betty won't get wise to us.

226. This is not the evening I envisioned.

227. Oh, jeez, she just got here.

228. Give me some advice, quick!

229. You know, just be sweet, pour on the honey, you know...

230. Yeah, yeah, yeah, romantic.

231. Ain't sunshine pretty, ain't flowers stupid, I got you.

232. I've suffered so long, why can't I die?

233. You know what's great about you, Betty

234. is you're letting your looks go gracefully.

235. You're not all hung-up

236. on looking attractive and desirable.

237. It's just so rare and refreshing.

238. So, Moe, tell me a little about yourself.

239. Myself... uh... uh, jeez.

240. Um, I got to go to the can again.

241. - Huh? - I got the runs.

242. Hey! Get away from that! Leave him alone!

243. - It said I was gay. - (canned laughter)

244. You all right, Grampa?

245. Oh... Daisy, Daisy...

246. give me your answer true...

247. will you quit your clowning? I need help here.

248. Whoa, tell her her rump's

249. as big as the queen's

250. and twice as fragrant.

251. Okay.

252. You are absolutely, positively the dumbest

253. haunted love tester that I have ever met.

254. What is going on in here?

255. Um, uh... Oh, gah...

256. I might as well come clean with you.

257. I ain't too good at talking to women,

258. and I really wanted to do you,

259. so I brought along the love tester to help me.

260. As you may have guessed,

261. it's inhabited by the ghost

262. of my friend's dead father.

263. Why, you conniving, devious, monstrous, despicable...

264. sweet, little angel.

265. Look, Betty, if you just give me a chance— What?

266. I can't believe you went to all that trouble for me.

267. - (audience cheers) - Mmm!

268. Ding, ding, ding, ding.

269. Thanks, Grampa.

270. Yeah, yeah, now how's about introducing me

271. to that cute little pay phone out front?

272. He's horny.

273. Welcome back.

274. I'm talking with the curator

275. of the Museum of TV and Television,

276. Mr. John Winslow.

277. In our final spin-off tonight

278. the Simpson family finally gets the chance

279. to show off the full range of their talents.

280. Unfortunately, one family member didn't want that chance

281. and refused to participate

282. but thanks to some creative casting,

283. you won't even notice.

284. Show us what you got, TV.

285. Live from Radio City Music Room in downtown Springfield,

286. it's The Simpson Family Smile-Time Variety Hour,

287. featuring the Waylon Smithers Dancers

288. and the Springfield Baggy Pants Players.

289. And now... a family that doesn't know the meaning

290. of the word "canceled,"

291. - the Simpsons! - (cheering)

292. Remember me? My name is Marge,

293. the TV mom whose hair is large.

294. Step back, mom, it's Bart's turn now.

295. Eat my shorts, don't have a cow.

296. I'm Lisa, peppy, blonde and stunning,

297. sophomore prom queen five years running.

298. Go... Lisa!

299. Wait a minute. Whoa, whoa.

300. (whistling) Stop the music.

301. Where's Dad?

302. - Here he is! - I'm hiding from

303. the-the-the ghost!

304. - Ghost? What ghost? - Before the show,

305. you said we were having a special ghost tonight.

306. I said we were having a special guest tonight.

307. Mr. Tim Conway.

308. What's a Tim Conway?

309. Uh, 'bout 120 pounds.

310. You know, Homer, we've all been busy as beavers

311. preparing for our very own show.

312. Marge, have you ever imagined

313. what it would be like if we really were beavers?

314. Yes, and it might look something like this.

315. Honey I'm home.

316. Hello, dear. How was work at the plant?

317. It's not a plant, Marge.

318. It's a tree, and I've nearly chewed through it.

319. Now, remember, my new boss

320. is coming home for dinner tonight.

321. I know, and I made your favorite:

322. - Stakes! - (audience groaning)

323. - (applause) - Hey, would you two close the dam door?

324. Bart!

325. - But that's where we live— a dam! - (laughter)

326. Look, everybody! Maggie got her first tooth!

327. Aw!

328. Okay, now, before my boss comes,

329. there's something important you should know.

330. In a minute, Homie. I have to get the door.

331. - But, Marge! - (gasping)

332. Uh, was it something I said?

333. Yarr! Someone should be keelhauled for that one.

334. I move that the last sketch be stricken from the record.

335. Now, bring in the next offender.

336. Inflation, trade deficit,

337. horrible war atrocities—

338. How are we supposed to do our big musical number

339. with so many problems in the world?

340. Well, I know one thing in this world

341. that's still pure and good.

342. Christian love?

343. No. Candy!

344. Sweet, sweet candy!

345. But don't you want to end world famine?

346. Or save the endangered Alaskan salmon.

347. Well, if you won't think of society's ills...

348. At least think of our dentist bills.

349. - (popping noise) - Ow.

350. A poem, by Hans Moleman.

351. I think that I shall never see,

352. my cataracts are blinding me.

353. And they thought I stunk.

354. Well, it's time to say good night.

355. I wish our special guest Tim Conway

356. didn't have to leave so soon.

357. I'm still here.

358. Fox wouldn't spring for a decent hotel room.

359. He's just kidding.

360. We'd like to thank Fox

361. and the good people at Budget Lodge.

362. Well, that's all the time we have

363. so, this is the Simpson family

364. saying, "As you walk down that road of life..."

365. Hitchhike! It's faster.

366. Bart! - (laughs)

367. We're like this all the time.

368. Good night, everybody!

369. That's it for our spin-off showcase.

370. But what about the show that started it all?

371. How do you keep "The Simpsons" fresh and funny

372. after eight long years?

373. Well, here's what's on tap for season nine:

374. Magic powers!

375. Wedding after wedding after wedding.

376. And did someone say long-lost triplets?

377. So, join America's favorite TV family

378. and a tiny, green space alien named Ozmodiar

379. that only homer can see

380. on Fox this fall.

381. It'll be out of this world,

382. right, Ozmodiar?

383. Damn straight, Troy, my man.

384. Good night, America!

385. Shh!

386. CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.