The Simpsons 8x22

Directed by Steven Dean Moore

Sab Shimono as Master sushi chef (voice) • Tress MacNeille as Angela Dare / Gwen the waitress / Homer's cousin's wife (voice) • Frank Welker as barks of Santa's Little Helper / meows of Snowball II, and other • Sab Shimono as Master Sushi Chef (voice) • Tress MacNeille as Angela Dare / Gwen / Homer's Cousin's Wife (voice) • Frank Welker as Santa's Little Helper / various animals (voice) • Maggie Roswell as Rod Flanders (voice) • Maggie Roswell as Maude Flanders / Helen Lovejoy (voice) • Gedde Watanabe as Factory Foreman (voice) • Karen Maruyama as Dancing Woman #1 (voice) • Denice Kumagai as Dancing Woman #2 (voice)

Disturbed that Reverend Lovejoy has lost interest in counseling parishioners, Marge volunteers as the "Listen Lady." Meanwhile, Homer sees his likeness on a box of Japanese detergent.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. D'oh!

2. Aah!

3. D'oh!

4. Shh...

5. Cinq...

6. quartre...

7. trois...

8. deux...

9. Un... maintenant!

10. Turn it down!

11. We don't want to wake up Mom and Dad.

12. Shh!

13. (clearing throat) Oh, my goodness!

14. Kids! Homer! We're late for church!

15. I'm glad I dressed last night.

16. Oh, I'd love to go with you, honey,

17. but I got a lot of work to do around the bed.

18. Homer, the Lord only asks for an hour a week.

19. In that case,

20. he should've made the week an hour longer.

21. - Lousy God. - (groaning)

22. and the very same goes for Ezekiel.

23. Which brings us back to our starting point:

24. The nine tenets of constancy.

25. Damn it!

26. Well, I seem to have lost my place...

27. so I'll start over.

28. Aw, for the love of crumb cake...

29. Our sermon today is on constancy.

30. In as much as the...

31. moreover, by dint of our application

32. of these principles, we can learn...

33. the auspices of constancy

34. sweet constancy.

35. Hey... wha...?

36. - Yay! - Oh, man!

37. Am I glad to get out of there!

38. Hey, calm down—

39. you're wrinkling your church clothes.

40. Who cares? This is the best part of the week.

41. It's the longest possible time before more church!

42. Church shouldn't be a chore.

43. It should help you in your daily life.

44. It should, but it doesn't.

45. Now, who's going with Daddy to the dump?

46. Me! - The dump?

47. We're going to get rid of the Christmas tree.

48. It's starting to turn brown.

49. - Want to come with? - No, no,

50. I don't feel like going to a trash pile today.

51. It's your life.

52. We'll bring you back something nice.

53. Can you believe it?

54. They give you five Q's and only two U's.

55. What a world.

56. It's crazy.

57. So, what's on your mind, Marge?

58. Sermons about constancy and prudissitude

59. are all very well and good,

60. but the church could be doing so much more

61. to reach out to people.

62. Oh, I don't see you volunteering to make things better.

63. Well...

64. Okay, I will volunteer.

65. I wasn't prepared for that.

66. Come on, Christmas tree...

67. Okay, who's up for some scrounging?

68. Hey! Here's a perfectly good basketball half!

69. I found a Malibu Stacy with no head.

70. Oh, my God! Help me, Lisa!

71. Lisa, Dad— come here quick!

72. There is something that you won't believe!

73. What the heck is that?

74. Maybe it's a box from the future.

75. It looks Japanese.

76. Wha— What's going on?

77. Why— Why am I on a Japanese box?

78. Oh, my God... what is that?

79. All done! I swept the aisles,

80. and put all the collection plates in the dishwasher.

81. Oh, and you wouldn't believe

82. how many dead pigeons there were in the organ.

83. Marge, you are a real time-saver.

84. Do you know, thanks to you

85. I've rediscovered a form of shame

86. that's gone unused for 700 years?

87. Wow...

88. Lovejoy here.

89. Reverend, this is Principal Skinner.

90. I'm facing a crisis,

91. and I didn't know to whom to turn.

92. All right.

93. Mother's gone too far.

94. She's put cardboard over her half of the television.

95. We rented "Man Without A Face."

96. I didn't even know he had a problem!

97. What should I do?

98. Well, maybe you should read your Bible.

99. Um, any particular passage?

100. Oh, it's all good.

101. All right. Thanks anyway.

102. Reverend, I hate to say this, but it sounded

103. like that poor man was reaching out to you.

104. I'm not sure your advice was all that helpful.

105. (chuckling) Oh, Marge.

106. I was once idealistic like you.

107. It was the mid '70s,

108. and I was fresh out of seminary.

109. The '60s were long over

110. and people were once again ready

111. to feel bad about themselves.

112. I came to Springfield

113. ready to roll up my sleeves and help my fellow man.

114. There was just one fellow man I hadn't counted on.

115. Reverend, I'm—

116. I'm afraid something terrible has happened.

117. Well, sit down and rap with me, brother.

118. That's what I'm here for.

119. Well, I was talked into doing a dance called "The Bump,"

120. but my hip slipped, and my— my buttocks came into contact

121. with the buttocks of another young man!

122. I... see.

123. Then, the calls began.

124. Well, I-I think I may be coveting my own wife.

125. I'm meek, but... I could probably stand to be meeker.

126. I-I-I think I swallowed a toothpick!

127. Finally, I just stopped caring.

128. Luckily, by then, it was the '80s

129. and no one noticed.

130. But you can't let a few bad experiences

131. sour you on helping people.

132. - Oh, sure I can. - (phone rings)

133. Ugh! You handle it.

134. Me? No, I— I— Wait! I can't—

135. Hello?

136. Uh, yeah, hi. I'm calling for Reverend Lovejoy.

137. Who is this?

138. Oh, well, this is, um...

139. the, uh... the listen lady.

140. Yeah? Well, listen, lady, I've got so many problems

141. I-I don't even know where to begin here.

142. Okay...

143. uh, why don't you start from the top?

144. All righty.

145. Uh, number one: I've lost the will to live.

146. Oh, that's ridiculous, Moe.

147. You've got lots to live for.

148. Really? That's not what

149. Reverend Lovejoy's been telling me.

150. Wow! You're good. Thanks.

151. Hi. It's me again. I got another problem.

152. Uh, this one's about my cat.

153. Yeah! Shut up! I'm asking her.

154. Why would you volunteer at the church?

155. I don't know. Guilt?

156. (scoffs) Volunteering is for suckers.

157. Do you know that so-called "volunteers"

158. don't even get paid?

159. Well, I think volunteering is great.

160. Deep down, it makes you feel...

161. Homer, will get that crazy box off the dinner table?

162. It came from the dump.

163. But, Marge, I'm obsessed with it.

164. Where did it come from? What is it a box of?

165. How did my face get on it?

166. Hey, if they got a picture of you,

167. that means they can see you.

168. They're probably watching us right now.

169. That's ridiculous.

170. Nobody is watching us right now.

171. Hai! Hai! Hai! Bye.

172. Hai!

173. Akira, can you read this for me?

174. Ah, yes. This is a product called "Mr. Sparkle."

175. Very popular dish detergent.

176. Hey... he looks like you.

177. What's he saying?

178. He identifies himself as "a magnet for foodstuffs."

179. He boasts that he will "banish dirt

180. to the land of wind and ghosts."

181. Wow!

182. Yes. You have very lucky dishes, Mr. Simpson.

183. This soap is from the sacred forest of Hokkaido,

184. renowned for its countless soap factories.

185. Hokkaido, eh?

186. See, all along, I been telling Carl

187. I'm married to a beauty queen.

188. Now, he's coming over for dinner.

189. Lenny, I'm sure he'll like your wife

190. no matter what she looks like.

191. Oh, no, no. No. It's worse than that.

192. I don't even have a wife.

193. I just said I did to, you know, be a big-shot.

194. Oh. Well, it's time to start telling the truth.

195. Now, when I have to tell my husband the truth,

196. I cook him a big, delicious dinner.

197. By the time he's done eating

198. he's too full and tired to care what I have to say.

199. Wow, that's great!

200. When Carl comes over, I'll stuff him

201. till he don't know what's what.

202. Seymour, I'm getting tired.

203. Tell them we're going next.

204. Well, I'm not principal of the line, Mother.

205. And you never will be.

206. I'd like the phone book for Hokkaido, Japan, please.

207. Okay. Here you go.

208. The phone book for Hokkaido, Japan.

209. Thank you. May I please use your phone?

210. Is it a local call?

211. Y... yes.

212. Mooshi-mooshi?

213. Yes. This is Homer Simpson from America.

214. Who may I say is speaking to me?

215. Hello, chief? Let's talk, why not?

216. Uh, hello? Why am I Mr. Sparkle?

217. Oh, you like Mr. Sparkle?

218. Well, I am Mr. Sparkle.

219. Oh, you have many question, Mr. Sparkle.

220. I send you premium answer question hundred percent.

221. The Lord will hear your lamentations

222. and give solace to your spirit.

223. The Lord or Marge Simpson!

224. Amen to that.

225. Um... could we please not yell out things

226. in the church?

227. Wait a minute, please. One at a time.

228. One at a time!

229. Now, who has the most urgent problem?

230. I have a recurring dream in which I'm falling.

231. Come right this way, Mel, I—

232. Tim, hold my calls.

233. Mm...

234. I'm a shepherd without a flock.

235. What have I done to lose them?

236. The real question is

237. "what have you done to keep them?"

238. St. Eleutherius of Nicomedia.

239. That's my name, don't wear it out.

240. To inspire men, you must be brave.

241. I introduced Christianity to Mongolia.

242. It didn't take, but it was worth a try.

243. Tell us, good reverend,

244. what great deeds have you done

245. to inspire the hearts of men?

246. Well, I had the vestibule re-carpeted.

247. I've appeared in over 8,000 visions

248. and that's the lamest reply I've ever heard.

249. Oh, now, please, I—

250. I thought saints were supposed to be friendly.

251. Oh, you're just lucky God isn't here.

252. Hello. Listen Lady.

253. Marge, people say you've got a real knack

254. for solving problems.

255. Well... this is a little awkward

256. but, um, Tim came home from church

257. so despondent today,

258. he's just been playing with his trains all afternoon.

259. We all need a little time to ourselves, Helen.

260. Just give him a day or two

261. and I'm sure he'll be back to his old dynamic self.

262. Okay.

263. Attention, H-O scale passengers:

264. The dining car is closed.

265. Root beer is still available,

266. but the cost is now $6.50.

267. If the passengers will look to the right

268. you will see a sad man.

269. That is all.

270. Look, we got a package

271. from the Mr. Sparkle company in Japan.

272. Ooh!

273. Ow!

274. It's a videotape.

275. Put it in! Put it in!

276. Oh, hello, American investor.

277. I see you are interested in distributing Mr. Sparkle

278. in your home prefecture.

279. You have chosen wisely,

280. but please, don't believe me.

281. Observe this commercial.

282. Aka ni taishite burei da!

283. Yogore o yaburu!

284. Honki da yo.

285. Doke, mina doke!

286. Burabura shitero tokoro ja nai!

287. Ore to issho ni nasu ka shinu ki ka?

288. Isamashii honin rogo desu ne!

289. Mister Sparkle no charenji ni ojimasu!

290. Awesome power!

291. Natsu yasumi no keikaku wa do desho?

292. Mister Sparkle!

293. Un no yoi besto washu!

294. Boring!

295. That didn't explain anything.

296. All I know is they stole my face

297. and used it for their stupid logo.

298. There's no other explanation.

299. Wait, look.

300. Mr. Sparkle,

301. a joint venture of Matsumura Fishworks,

302. and Tamaribuchi Heavy Manufacturing Concern.

303. Hey, it was all a coincidence.

304. Yep. There's your answer, fish bulb.

305. Well, it was a good ride while it lasted.

306. Come on, kids, let's go home.

307. We are home.

308. That was fast.

309. You've just got to accept it. Your Gameboy is gone.

310. It's at the bottom of the ocean.

311. Aye, aye.

312. Aye.

313. Hello. Listen Lady.

314. Uh... I'm in some hot soup here, Marge.

315. Some teenagers are hanging out in front of the store.

316. I-I think they could start slacking at any moment.

317. Well, Ned, you don't have to stand for that.

318. You just march right up to those youngsters

319. and tell them to vamoose.

320. Yeah, well...

321. if you're sure that will help...

322. Hey, let's go over to the one-hour photo

323. and breathe some fumes.

324. Uh, excuse me, fellas.

325. I couldn't help thinking it might be nice

326. if you could, uh, vamoose, you know?

327. (nervous chuckle) If possible.

328. Hello. Listen Lady.

329. Uh... Marge I-I appreciate your advice

330. but, uh, things have gotten— (chuckles)

331. Well, they-they're, uh, a lot worse.

332. Now, Ned, troubled boys need rules and discipline.

333. They crave it!

334. You just lay down the law.

335. Well, yeah, I know, but they—

336. They're on their mini-bikes and all.

337. Oh, all right, let me talk to them.

338. Put me on with the lead boy.

339. Boys, there's a call here for you.

340. Hmm. Oh, well.

341. Oh, good morning, Maude.

342. Morning, Marge.

343. Um, did your husband come home last night?

344. Of course he did.

345. Really? Oh...

346. because the thing is, um...

347. mine didn't.

348. (gasps) Oh, my God, Ned!

349. Yes, Marge?

350. Reverend, I gave Ned Flanders some bad advice.

351. Now he could be in real trouble.

352. (groaning) What happened now?

353. Did he swallow a paper clip?

354. No. He's disappeared.

355. Oh, I'm in way over my head.

356. I mean, where do the helpers turn

357. when they need help?

358. Sorry.

359. Marge, why don't you let me handle this?

360. Hello? Church basement.

361. (panting) Yeah, it's Ned Flanders.

362. The teens have been chasing me all night.

363. They-They finally stopped to gas up their scooters.

364. Ned! Where are you?

365. Well, I can't see the name of the station

366. but the gas costs 1.49 and 8/10.

367. Eight tenths?

368. Donny's Discount Gas!

369. Thanks for swinging by the house, Reverend.

370. - Donny? - What?

371. Did you see a man being chased

372. by some young hooligans?

373. I see lots of stuff.

374. Did you see that?

375. Yes.

376. Huh. Looks like we lost him.

377. Yeah. Well, we proved our point.

378. He'll think twice

379. next time he tries to defend his business.

380. (yawning) I'm sleepy.

381. Let's go to school.

382. (sighs) They're leaving.

383. The ordeal is over.

384. Ned!

385. - Mr. Flanders! - Mr. Flanders!

386. Flanders, where are you?

387. Hey, Flanders, it's me!

388. Heh Mr. Sparkaru! Mr. Sparkaru!

389. Konnichi-wa.

390. (gasps) That came from Baboon County, USA!

391. Help! What do I do?

392. Play dead!

393. No! Run around in circles!

394. No! Act like a lion!

395. Swipe at the dominant male!

396. Come on, Ned! Knock that monkey down!

397. Jumpin' kangaroo rats!

398. You've got to get him out of there.

399. Geez, I'd like to,

400. but if they don't kill the intruder

401. it's really bad for their society.

402. - They're going to kill him? - Eventually.

403. First, they'll eat his skin.

404. - (gasping) - Eww.

405. Tell Maude I want a fancy funeral!

406. Big coffin! Lots of jewels!

407. Look! It's Reverend Lovejoy!

408. Thank heavens!

409. Entrust your hand to mine, Ned.

410. Oh! Oh—

411. Thank the Lord.

412. He's truly watching over—

413. Say your prayers, you heathen baboons!

414. Wow.

415. Oh! Those poor monkeys.

416. They started it.

417. You saved me, Reverend.

418. You really went above and beyond.

419. Thank you.

420. Oh, don't thank me. Thank Marge Simpson.

421. She taught me that there's more to being a minister

422. than not caring about people.

423. Amen!

424. baboons to the left of me, baboons to the right,

425. the speeding locomotive tore through

426. a sea of inhuman fangs.

427. A pair of the great apes rose up at me, but biff-bam!

428. I sent them flying like two hairy footballs.

429. A third came screaming at me—

430. And that's when I got mad.

431. Now that's religion!

432. Shh!

433. CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.