The Simpsons 8x21

Directed by Mark Kirkland

Tress MacNeille as Angela Dare / Gwen the waitress / Homer's cousin's wife (voice) • Tress MacNeille as Angela Dare / Gwen / Homer's Cousin's Wife (voice) • Bret Hart as Bret 'The Hitman' Hart (voice)

Financially ruined, Mr. Burns turns to Lisa for help in building a recycling business. Lisa believes he's changed, but his new business venture takes a shocking new direction.

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1. D'oh!

2. - Aah! - (tires screech)

3. D'oh!

4. Hmm?

5. And now, the thrilling conclusion of...

6. "Colonel Dracula Joins the Navy!"

7. - Uh, Colonel? Blahh!

8. - (clinking continues) - Hmm?

9. Lisa, what in the heck are you doing?

10. Oh, it's for my junior achievers club.

11. We're trying to earn money by recycling.

12. Recycling is useless, Lise.

13. Once the sun burns out, this planet is doomed.

14. You're just making sure we spend our last days

15. using inferior products.

16. Well, I think it's a great idea.

17. Mom! Mom!

18. You're mixing polyethylene with polyurethane.

19. - Marge! - Well, I'm sorry.

20. And you have to cut these up first.

21. Otherwise, animals get caught in them.

22. Only the stupid ones.

23. I could still use more paper.

24. Hey, I know where there's lots of paper.

25. Dad, you're not supposed to have fun recycling.

26. This is serious.

27. Oh, okay.

28. What a load of garbage.

29. I'm ecstatic. With the money from this, we're within striking distance

30. of our trip to Albany!

31. Super. Now, let's give a big Junior Achievers'

32. welcome to our guest speaker—

33. I know he can teach us a lot about business—

34. Mr. C. Montgomery burns.

35. I'll keep it short and sweet.

36. Family, religion, friendship.

37. These are the three demons you must slay

38. if you wish to succeed in business.

39. When opportunity knocks,

40. you don't want to be driving to the maternity hospital

41. or sitting in some phony baloney church.

42. Or synagogue. Questions?

43. Well, uh, I'm going to take advantage

44. of this rare opportunity

45. even if you children aren't interested.

46. Which do you think is more important—

47. hard work or stick-to-itiveness?

48. - Are there any real questions? - Yes.

49. Um, does your plant have a recycling program?

50. Re-cy-cling?

51. I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that term,

52. you adorable little ragamuffin.

53. Hmm. You never heard of recycling?

54. It means to reuse things

55. to conserve our natural resources.

56. Oh, so Mother Nature needs a favor.

57. Well, maybe she should have thought of that

58. when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys.

59. Nature started the fight for survival,

60. and now she wants to quit because she's losing.

61. Well, I say— hard cheese.

62. But nature's not our enemy.

63. Well, surely, you agree we can do without her.

64. No, I don't agree.

65. No?

66. How dare you question Mr. Burns?

67. I'll handle it, Smithers.

68. (chuckles) Shut up, little girl.

69. If I had spent my life listening to dismal Doras like you,

70. I wouldn't be worth $200 million today.

71. But according to your most recent biography,

72. you only have $100 million today.

73. I... I...

74. Um...

75. Actually, sir, it's...

76. considerably less than that.

77. I, um... have to go.

78. Monty Burns, everybody.

79. I've called you all here

80. because I need some honest answers.

81. What is my current financial situation?

82. - Great. - Great.

83. - I hear great. - All right, well,

84. let's have a look at my stock portfolio.

85. Hmm. Confederated Slaveholdings. How's that doing?

86. It's, uh... uh, steady.

87. I'm sure all your stocks are doing well, sir.

88. - After all, you chose them. - (murmuring approval)

89. Well, let's get out the old stock ticker and have a look.

90. Here's where I stopped checking it last time—

91. September, 1929...

92. Oh, no... Oh, no.

93. Oh, no.

94. Smithers, why didn't you tell me about this market crash?

95. Um, well, sir, it happened 25 years before I was born.

96. Oh, that's your excuse for everything.

97. I've got to do something to get my money back quickly.

98. This calls for an aggressive trading strategy.

99. Good idea, sir.

100. Take 50% of my money and put it in the blue chips—

101. Trans-Atlantic Zeppelin, Amalgamated Spats,

102. Congreves Inflammable Powders, U.S. Hay—

103. and sink the rest into that up-and-coming

104. Baltimore Opera Hat company.

105. That should set things right again, eh, boys?

106. - Absolutely. - Oh, yes, sir.

107. Genius. "A" all the way.

108. Can't go wrong with Congreves.

109. A half-ton of newspaper, and all we get is 75 cents?

110. That won't even cover the gas I use to go to the store

111. to buy the twine to tie up the bundles.

112. It sounds like you're working for your car.

113. Simplify, man.

114. Sorry, kids, the trip to Albany is off,

115. - and there's to be no more recycling. - (kids protesting)

116. But we didn't do that badly.

117. We collected enough paper to save one whole tree.

118. Oh, Mommy, help.

119. Are you saying my money's all gone?

120. Mm-hmm. - But...

121. I made all the right moves, didn't I?

122. - Oh, yes, sir. - Every move a right one.

123. I see it all now.

124. You're just a bunch of yes men.

125. I was making the wrong moves,

126. and you were too gutless to tell me.

127. Isn't that right?

128. - Oh, yes, sir. - Dead on, sir.

129. Then I'll fix this myself.

130. Smithers, take out another mortgage on the plant.

131. Well, the bank has already foreclosed on the plant.

132. And your house, sir.

133. But... what will I do?

134. Well, the first thing you'll have to do

135. is move out of the bank's house.

136. - I'll help you pack. - (whimpers)

137. - Go on. Get out of here. - (birds squawking)

138. And I'm sure a pro wrestler such as yourself

139. will appreciate all the closet space, Hit Man.

140. Ooh...

141. this place has got old-man stink.

142. - Ooh... - Don't listen to him, sir.

143. You've got an enchanting musk.

144. And you wouldn't even be the only wrestler

145. in the neighborhood.

146. The Shrieking Sheik lives just three doors away.

147. Hey-hey, I'll take it.

148. Uh, would it be all right if I kept this portrait...

149. to remind me of better times?

150. Why would I want a picture of a pitiful pencil-neck geek?

151. Yeah.

152. Why, indeed.

153. I'll make sure he forwards your social security check, sir.

154. Mmm. Excellent.

155. Homer! You didn't tell me Mr. Burns went broke and lost

156. the nuclear power plant.

157. Now, I can't remember every little thing

158. that happens in my day.

159. You told me about that candy bar you found three times.

160. You found a candy bar?

161. Oh, yes. Gather 'round, my son,

162. and I shall tell you a tale...

163. I normally don't laugh at other people's misfortunes,

164. but on behalf of the recycling community...

165. Ha! It couldn't have happened to anyone more deserving.

166. They're not going to close the plant, are they?

167. No. The bank put Lenny in charge.

168. Uh...

169. attention, everybody.

170. Uh...

171. Uh... work harder. Bye.

172. Well, sir,

173. I have to get to work.

174. Lenny's a real bear on tardiness.

175. Are there any chores I can do?

176. - (shattering) - Uh, no, no.

177. Uh, you just stay here and maintain your dignity.

178. Ah. Here's a chance to earn my keep.

179. I will go out and get these items

180. from the food jobber.

181. Grocery store, please.

182. I am riding on the bus.

183. Hey, aren't you that guy everybody hates?

184. Oh, my, no. I'm Monty Burns.

185. I'm shopping.

186. Oh, my.

187. I wonder which is the cereal for me?

188. Um, oh, excuse me.

189. Could you tell me where I might find the "Burns O's"?

190. Sorry, pops, they don't put nobodies

191. on cereal boxes.

192. Hmm...

193. well, I suppose this one looks a bit like me.

194. Whoo. Thank you, shoppie.

195. I ventured in to search for milk

196. when the door snapped shut behind me.

197. Yeah, those dairy cases are death traps.

198. Ketchup.

199. Catsup.

200. Ketchup.

201. Catsup.

202. Catsup.

203. Huh. I'm in way over my head.

204. He's, uh, talking to the ketchup now.

205. Burns is sure acting nutty.

206. Maybe going broke and losing his plant

207. destroyed his brain.

208. Could you come along with us, sir?

209. Are you here to solve my ketchup problem?

210. Yes, that's right.

211. Where are you taking me?

212. What's happening?

213. Relax. You've gone off your nut,

214. so we're stuffing you into an old folks home.

215. Those, uh, store guys signed the commitment papers.

216. But... I'm shopping.

217. Here you go, honey.

218. That's about all the recycling—

219. (hiccups) I can handle today.

220. Dad, if you just drink one more,

221. I'll have a full bag.

222. Oh, but Daddy doesn't feel so good.

223. Uh... there's got to be

224. more trash around here somewhere.

225. Hey, why don't you try the old folks home?

226. They practically live in their own filth.

227. Thanks, Dad.

228. You're welcome, honey.

229. That's the activity room.

230. We're not allowed in there.

231. That's the library. Not allowed in there either.

232. And don't even think about going in the game room.

233. Egad, man, how are we supposed to pass the time?

234. Best bet is to stake yourself out a good spot

235. at the staring window.

236. Come on, Mr. Burns, join the fun!

237. That's the spirit.

238. So, this is how the Monty Burns saga ends.

239. Oh, if I hadn't surrounded myself

240. with those spineless yes men...

241. What do you mean you don't have anything to recycle?

242. You must have some magazines or newspapers.

243. That voice. That shrill, disagreeable voice.

244. It's her!

245. Sorry, we're not allowed to read newspapers.

246. They angry up the blood.

247. You! The troublemaking girl!

248. My name is Lisa, Mr. Burns. Lisa Simpson.

249. It doesn't matter, what your name is, you idiot.

250. What I want to know is, will you help me get my money back?

251. Ha. I'd never help you. You're the worst man in the world.

252. Yes. That's the kind of moxie I'm looking for!

253. - You're hired! - No, I'm not!

254. Sir, I'm so sorry my grocer committed you.

255. We'll never shop there again.

256. Not now, Smithers.

257. I've got an empire to rebuild.

258. And the person who's going to help me is...

259. that girl.

260. - Please. - No.

261. Please.

262. No.

263. - Please. - No.

264. Sir, we've never met before, but my name is Mr. Burns,

265. and I want your daughter to help make me rich again.

266. You mean Maggie?

267. Ah, the baby who shot me.

268. No, I was referring to your other daughter.

269. Lisa, you have a guest.

270. So, uh...

271. How's life in the gutter?

272. You again?

273. I've realized the error of my ways, Lisa.

274. I need someone with your integrity to help me.

275. Please? Don't refuse this poor old man.

276. Uh...

277. well...

278. if I did agree to help you, you could only earn money

279. by doing good, socially responsible things.

280. - Nothing evil. - "Nothing evil."

281. That's exactly the kind of radical thinking I need.

282. It's a deal.

283. See that, boy?

284. Why aren't you making any business deals?

285. (whining): I'll do it this afternoon.

286. You mean there are actually people

287. who will pay good money for garbage?

288. Not good money, really.

289. Each can will get you a nickel.

290. Oh, don't pooh-pooh a nickel, Lisa.

291. A nickel will buy you a steak and kidney pie,

292. a cup of coffee, a slice of cheesecake,

293. and a newsreel,

294. with enough change left over to ride the trolley

295. from Battery Park to the polo grounds.

296. There's a can.

297. You have to cut these six-pack holders up.

298. Otherwise, fish get trapped in them.

299. I see.

300. Ha-ha!

301. My first dollar. Thanks to you, Lisa

302. and our hemp-smoking friend.

303. Shine on, you crazy diamond.

304. Sounds like somebody's living in the past.

305. Contemporize, man.

306. Well, Lisa, as my advisor, you're entitled to 10%.

307. Oh, I'm not doing this for the money.

308. I'm just happy knowing that future generations

309. will enjoy unspoiled median strips

310. and pristine highway embankments.

311. There's a can.

312. And from our "it's funny when it happens to them" file,

313. remember millionaire C. Montgomery Burns?

314. The man who blocked out our sun, ran over a local boy,

315. and stole Christmas from 1981 to 1985?

316. Well, guess who's flat broke and picking up trash for a living?

317. Please be Flanders, please be Flanders please be Flanders.

318. Excuse me, Mr. Burns. Now that you're completely ruined,

319. - How do you feel? - Excellent.

320. I'm on my way back to the top.

321. I've turned these cans into "can do."

322. Well, you smell terrible. Good luck to you, sir.

323. Wow, he went from stinking rich

324. to just plain stinking.

325. - Good one, Mom. - Oh, you're so bad, honey.

326. You guys shouldn't laugh at him.

327. Mr. Burns has changed. He's different now.

328. - Yeah, he's broke. - (laughing)

329. Two in a row.

330. Oh, you've really turned my life around

331. these past few weeks, Lisa.

332. I've got my own business again, my beloved employees.

333. Oh, consarn it...

334. Come on, let's pick up the pace, you neglected old nincompoops.

335. Mr. Burns, if you want people to do a good job,

336. you can't bully them.

337. You have to show them they're appreciated.

338. Ooh, capital idea, partner.

339. People, if we meet this week's quota,

340. I'll take you to the most duck-filled pond

341. you ever sat by.

342. Oh, hot diggity, that's how they got me

343. to vote for Lyndon Larouche.

344. Wow, even I didn't know

345. he was so committed to recycling.

346. See? I told you Mr. Burns has changed. See?

347. Lisa, nobody likes a gloater.

348. - Right, Homey? - Uh-huh.

349. See?

350. Yes, thank you, everyone.

351. But 10% of your applause should go to

352. my little partner, Lisa Simpson.

353. For, if it were not for her infectious moralizing,

354. we would not be here today to witness the unveiling of—

355. the Li'l Lisa Recycling Plant.

356. Oh, ain't that cute?

357. Makes Little Debbie look like a pile of puke.

358. Would you like to be the first

359. to take a tour of the plant, Li'l Lisa?

360. I'd love to, partner.

361. The whole plant is environmentally sound.

362. It's powered by old newspapers.

363. The machinery is made entirely of used cans, and the windows

364. are from the old liquor bottles we collected.

365. Hey, I thought I told you to stop licking my windows.

366. I know, you told me...

367. and when I woke up this morning, I said,

368. "Barney, you're not going to lick that man's..."

369. I'm so proud of you, Mr. Burns.

370. You're getting your fortune back,

371. and you're doing it without endangering the planet

372. or cozying up to the Aspen crowd.

373. Oh, hold your accolades till the end of the tour.

374. You haven't seen the best part.

375. I couldn't watch your demonstration

376. of the fish caught in the plastic rings

377. without getting an idea.

378. Look out over the water.

379. I figured if one six-pack holder will catch one fish,

380. a million sewn together will catch a million fish.

381. Watch.

382. What's going on?

383. Ah, I call it the "Burns Omni-Net."

384. it sweeps the sea clean.

385. Oh, dear God.

386. I call our product

387. "Li'l Lisa's Patented Animal Slurry."

388. it's a high-protein feed for farm animals,

389. insulation for low-income housing,

390. a powerful explosive,

391. and a top-notch engine coolant.

392. And best of all,

393. it's made from 100 percent recycled animals.

394. Oh, I think I'm going to be sick.

395. Oh, a spoonful of slurry will cure what ails you.

396. Ah! You haven't changed at all.

397. You're still evil, and when you're trying

398. to be good, you're even more evil.

399. I don't understand.

400. Pigs needs food, engines need coolant,

401. dynamiters need dynamite.

402. I'm supplying it to them at a tidy profit,

403. and not a single sea creature was wasted.

404. You inspired it all, Li'l Lisa.

405. Stop! Don't recycle!

406. It's murder! You're helping Mr. Burns!

407. (robotic monotone) But you told us to recycle.

408. You convinced us it was good.

409. No, it's evil! Please, stop recycling!

410. (robotic monotones) Stop. You can't mix plastic with paper.

411. (gasps) Oh! Oh!

412. Oh, I can't get the smell of slurry out of my clothes.

413. I was a fool to help that horrible old man.

414. I hope you learned your lesson, Lisa.

415. Never help anyone.

416. Simpson, what are you doing here?

417. - Why aren't you at work? - I made a bad mistake,

418. and Lenny sent me home to think about what I did.

419. But I don't remember what it was, so I'm watching TV.

420. Well, Lenny's reign of terror is over.

421. Mr. Burns bought the plant back this morning.

422. - And— - Enough chitchat. I need to see Lisa.

423. I don't want to talk to you, Mr. Burns.

424. Oh, I think you will.

425. You see, I just sold the Li'l Lisa Recycling Plant

426. for $120 million.

427. Congratulations.

428. Oh, don't congratulate me.

429. Congratulate Bay State Fish Sticks.

430. As my advisor, you're entitled

431. to 10% of the proceeds.

432. Lise, have I told you lately that I love you?

433. Wow! I've never seen so much money.

434. Oh, but I can't accept that,

435. knowing where it came from.

436. Can I, Mom?

437. Lisa, you do whatever your conscience tells you.

438. No...

439. Oh, you did the right thing, sweetheart.

440. Well, that's the first case I've ever seen

441. of a man suffering four simultaneous heart attacks.

442. I'm sorry, Dad.

443. It's all right. I understand.

444. But we really could have used that $12,000.

445. Um... Dad,

446. 10% of $120 million

447. isn't 12,000, it's...

448. - (heart monitor races) - WOMAN (on P.A.): Code blue! Code blue!

449. Shh!

450. CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.