1. D'oh!Copy !req
2. Tonight on Eye on Springfield...Copy !req
3. opening day at the world's
first two-story outhouse.Copy !req
4. Oh, God! Stop!Copy !req
5. A comedy nurse who's laughing
all the way to the blood bank.Copy !req
6. Okay. How many of you are here
for shoulder surgery, huh?Copy !req
7. - Got ya!Copy !req
8. But first- move over, Baltimore.Copy !req
9. Springfield has stolen your idea.Copy !req
10. I'm walking on the waterfront, once the center
of a thriving squid-gutting industry...Copy !req
11. now abandoned by all but a few
longshoremen and allied tradespeople.Copy !req
12. But the decades of rot will end...Copy !req
13. with the opening
of the South Street Squidport...Copy !req
14. an upscale shopping promenade...Copy !req
15. with authentic maritime theming.Copy !req
16. And to kick it all off in style...Copy !req
17. area merchants will host
a black-tie gala Saturday night.Copy !req
18. Ooh, that sounds fabulous, Homer!Copy !req
19. - Stores throw the best parties.
- You like parties, huh?Copy !req
20. Well, I just remembered they're having a big
one down at the waterfront this weekend.Copy !req
21. You didn't remember that.
You just saw it on TV.Copy !req
22. The important thing is
I didn't imagine it.Copy !req
23. I can't get enough
of The Babysitter Twins.Copy !req
24. They arrested the counterfeiters,
rescued the president...Copy !req
25. and made four dollars!Copy !req
26. I love everything
about the world of babysitting-Copy !req
27. the responsibility,
the obligation, the pressure.Copy !req
28. And full refrigerator privileges!Copy !req
29. That's a trust, Janie, a sacred trust.Copy !req
30. Geez! Lighten up, Lisa.Copy !req
31. All right.
I have two announcements.Copy !req
32. Friday you will have the chance
to "party down" in the church basement...Copy !req
33. to theJesus-rock stylings ofTestament.Copy !req
34. That's Friday, 6:00 p.m. sharp.Copy !req
35. All the best bands
are affiliated with Satan.Copy !req
36. Also, anyone in need of a reliable
and affordable babysitter...Copy !req
37. should call Lisa Simpson.Copy !req
38. Mention the topic of today's sermon
to get a dollar off.Copy !req
39. The topic was love.Copy !req
40. Why hasn't anyone called?Copy !req
41. Maybe people don't want
an eight-year-old babysitter, honey.Copy !req
42. Parents need to be sure their sitter
can handle anything that might happen.Copy !req
43. That's why they hire teenagers.Copy !req
44. But- But I'm very mature for my age.Copy !req
45. - People often mistake me for nine.Copy !req
46. Homer, I've got a Fozzie
of a bear of a problem.Copy !req
47. Maude and her mother
were visiting Tyre and Sidon...Copy !req
48. the twin cities of the Holy Land.Copy !req
49. They must've kneeled in the wrong place
and prayed to the wrong god...Copy !req
50. because, well, they're being held prisoner
by militants of some sort.Copy !req
51. Militants, huh?
Well, if I were you, I'd kick their asses.Copy !req
52. Well, anyhoo-dilly-doodle, the embassy
says it's just a routine hostage-taking...Copy !req
53. but I have to drive to Capital City,
fill out some forms to get them out.Copy !req
54. Could you possibly watch
the kids tonight?Copy !req
55. Oh, gee, I'd really love
to want to help you, Flanders...Copy !req
56. but, uh, Marge was taken prisoner...Copy !req
57. in the... Holy Land, and-Copy !req
58. I'll do it! I'll babysit!Copy !req
59. Oh, I don't know, Lisa. You're awfully young,
and the boys can be a handful.Copy !req
60. Todd's been pinching everyone lately.Copy !req
61. But I'm smart and responsible,
and my parents will be right next door.Copy !req
62. Well, what do you say, Homer?Copy !req
63. - Can Lisa babysit for my kids?
- Please, please, please!Copy !req
64. Uh, I'll have to ask her.Copy !req
65. - Where are the dice?
- Daddy says dice are wicked.Copy !req
66. We just move one space at a time.
It's less fun that way.Copy !req
67. Moth! Moth! Moth! Moth! Moth! Moth!Copy !req
68. Don't worry. A moth is
no more harmful than a ladybug.Copy !req
69. A ladybug?Copy !req
70. They're gonna get
eaten alive in middle school.Copy !req
71. And thank you for sending Lisa
to protect us from the bug you sent.Copy !req
72. And please make Lisa
tell us a bedtime story...Copy !req
73. about robots named Rod and Todd.Copy !req
74. Amen.Copy !req
75. - Once there was a robot named Todd-
- Did he have a brother?Copy !req
76. Yes, he had a brother robot named Rod,
who was two space years older than him.Copy !req
77. I don't like this story!Copy !req
78. Oh, imagine that!Copy !req
79. Sleeping quietly after a bug attack.Copy !req
80. And Todd's as dry as a bone!Copy !req
81. Lisa, you're a wonder.
I'm gonna recommend you to everybody!Copy !req
82. So long, Lisa!
If anything goes wrong, just dial 911 -Copy !req
83. unless it's an emergency.Copy !req
84. Okay, Chief! Enjoy Bob Saget!Copy !req
85. It's Bob Seger.Copy !req
86. Aw, crap!Copy !req
87. Now, put your left leg into the left side
of the pants, and you're done.Copy !req
88. I dress myself.Copy !req
89. Hey, Dad. How come
you're wearing a tuxedo?Copy !req
90. Going to that fancy
waterfront party tomorrow.Copy !req
91. - Why are you wearing it now?
- It's like a rent-a-car, Son.Copy !req
92. You get all the mileage you can...Copy !req
93. then ball it up and cram it
through the mail slot.Copy !req
94. - Thanks for the ride!Copy !req
95. Well, you did a first-rate job
of babysitting.Copy !req
96. I've never seen
such a responsible young lady.Copy !req
97. Thank you, Dr. Hibbert.
Your trust means so much to me.Copy !req
98. I only wish my Volvo mechanic
were as reliable.Copy !req
99. Good night, Lisa.Copy !req
100. You made all that money for sitting around
and watching TV and eating food?Copy !req
101. There's a lot more to it than that, Bart.
I don't just babysit.Copy !req
102. I sell peace of mind for a dollar an hour-
two dollars after 9:00.Copy !req
103. Man, if I was making that kind of money,
I'd be out of here so fast!Copy !req
104. You look so glamorous, Mom!Copy !req
105. Oh, and you smell like vanilla flowers.Copy !req
106. Dad, you look totally classy.
You could be Abe Lincoln's father's boss.Copy !req
107. - Can you see the pie stains?
- It'll be dark.Copy !req
108. So, when's Grampa
getting here to babysit?Copy !req
109. Um, Grampa's not coming.Copy !req
110. Oh, not Patty and Selma!Copy !req
111. - Actually, Bart, Lisa's going
to be in charge tonight.
- What?Copy !req
112. I know she's young, but Lisa has proven
herself mature and dependable.Copy !req
113. Dad, help me out.Copy !req
114. Take it like a man, boy,
and do everything your little sister says.Copy !req
115. This is an outrage! I am two years
and 38 days older than she is!Copy !req
116. This is the greatest injustice
in the history of the world!Copy !req
117. Well, we have to run. I'm sure you kids
will work things out. Good night.Copy !req
118. - But- uh- uh-Copy !req
119. Make sure he brushes his teeth, Lisa.Copy !req
120. Bart, I know you're not wild
about having me for a babysitter...Copy !req
121. but I'm not some ogre.Copy !req
122. I think you will find me fair and fun.Copy !req
123. - You're dead.
- You should wash up for dinner.Copy !req
124. To make it fun,
you can use the Mr. Bubble.Copy !req
125. - It'll be like giving your fingers a bubble bath.
- You are so dead.Copy !req
126. Oh, I love this pedestrian mall.
There's practically no traffic.Copy !req
127. I don't think we should be driving here.
The mayor's yelling at us.Copy !req
128. - Stop, you idiots!
- All right. All right. Geez!Copy !req
129. Okay, honey.
Remember where we're parked.Copy !req
130. - May I have some more lima beans, please?
- Certainly.Copy !req
131. - More than that.
- Certainly.Copy !req
132. More. More. More.Copy !req
133. Uh, maybe you should
eat the ones you have.Copy !req
134. I didn't say I was gonna eat them.Copy !req
135. I just wanted to look at them
because they're so gross.Copy !req
136. - What's for dessert?Copy !req
137. Bart, if you don't want to have a babysitter,
maybe you should stop being such a baby.Copy !req
138. Oh, I'm a baby, huh?
Well, then I'll act like a baby.Copy !req
139. Ga-ga! Goo-goo!Copy !req
140. Even babies know how to open
and close their mouths.Copy !req
141. - You need a bib.
- Oh, baby hate bib.Copy !req
142. Oh, look, Bart.
Now you got Maggie all upset.Copy !req
143. Relax.
I'll give her some ice cream.Copy !req
144. Bart, that's coffee ice cream.
It has caffeine in it!Copy !req
145. Well, I guess that'll make things
more interesting for you now, won't it?Copy !req
146. Ooh, it's so beautiful!Copy !req
147. - This is what I imagine Paris must be like.
- You've never been?Copy !req
148. I'm so honored that Springfield has been chosen
to host all these upscale chain stores.Copy !req
149. I guess this makes us yuppies,
huh, Homie?Copy !req
150. Nah. I'm really more of a slacker.Copy !req
151. Ooh! Malaria Zone!Copy !req
152. That's where all the explorers shop!Copy !req
153. Look, Marge!
A restaurant owned by celebrities!Copy !req
154. I always wanted to be a celebrity.Copy !req
155. Yes, it's true.Copy !req
156. The entire menu was personally
approved by my secretary.Copy !req
157. Isn't that clever? It looks like a Cadillac
drove right into the building.Copy !req
158. Help me.Copy !req
159. Wow! Even Moe's moved
to fancy new digs.Copy !req
160. Hey, this isn't faux dive!Copy !req
161. This is a dive.Copy !req
162. You're a long way from home, yuppie boy.
I'll start a tab.Copy !req
163. Maggie, if you come down...Copy !req
164. I'll give you some more coffee.Copy !req
165. Lots more coffee!Copy !req
166. - Are you getting ready for bed, Bart?
- I am!Copy !req
167. That's right.
I want the 25-foot Italian party sub.Copy !req
168. And don't skimp on the vinegar.Copy !req
169. It's time Lisa learned what
babysitting Bart Simpson is all about.Copy !req
170. Yes, I'd like to host an A.A. meeting.
Tonight, if possible.Copy !req
171. Come on, Maggie. Good Maggie.Copy !req
172. The talcum powder's not to play with.Copy !req
173. Oh!Copy !req
174. Okay, Bart. Now it's really time
for you to go to bed.Copy !req
175. Why do you have to make this so hard?Copy !req
176. I'm using nonviolent resistance.Copy !req
177. Ugh! The idea that you would
compare yourself to Mahatma Gandhi!Copy !req
178. - Who?Copy !req
179. I'll answer it. You go to bed.Copy !req
180. Good evening there, miss.Copy !req
181. Here's your giant sub, swimming
in vinegar, just the way you like it.Copy !req
182. It's gonna be $225, plus tip.Copy !req
183. - What? I didn't order any giant sub.Copy !req
184. - Hey, hey! Are you ready to get rowdy?
- Excuse me?Copy !req
185. Somebody hired me
for an emergency bachelor party.Copy !req
186. Well, there's been a mistake.Copy !req
187. Well, I'm not leaving till I get paid.Copy !req
188. - I get 500 just for "Hey, hey!"Copy !req
189. Who called for
an emergency "sisterectomy"?Copy !req
190. We got a report that a Lisa Simpson
spotted a U.F.O.Copy !req
191. I didn't see any U.F. O!Copy !req
192. That's right, miss. You didn't.Copy !req
193. I'm here to pick up
the ambassador from Ghana.Copy !req
194. Well, he's not here! Nobody's here!Copy !req
195. And none of you should be here!
You've all been tricked!Copy !req
196. - Why would the ambassador do such a thing?Copy !req
197. - This is ridiculous.Copy !req
198. Bart, you are gonna be in so much
trouble when Mom and Dad get home.Copy !req
199. - Now, go to bed!
- You're the boss.Copy !req
200. I thought I told you to go to bed.Copy !req
201. Yeah, right. "Bread."
You said, "Go to bread."Copy !req
202. I said, "Go to bed."Copy !req
203. - Yeah. "Go to bread."
- B-E-D! Bed!Copy !req
204. Oh! "Bed"! Oh.Copy !req
205. - Well, anything you say, Sis.Copy !req
206. - You didn't say which bed!
- Go to your bed!Copy !req
207. - Make me!
- I'll make you!Copy !req
208. If you want me, you gotta catch me!Copy !req
209. - Almost.Copy !req
210. - Oh, so close.Copy !req
211. Bart!Copy !req
212. Son of a-Copy !req
213. Oh, my God!Copy !req
214. Okay, we'll call it even if I can just
have some of that big sandwich.Copy !req
215. Oh.
I'll come back.Copy !req
216. Bart, are you okay?Copy !req
217. Yeah, I think so.
It's just a bump on my head.Copy !req
218. Eww! Your arm! It's got extra corners!Copy !req
219. Oh, cool!Copy !req
220. It must be dislocated or something.Copy !req
221. We have to get you
to the emergency room!Copy !req
222. And get this fixed?
What's the rush?Copy !req
223. Don't you want everyone to see
what a responsible babysitter you were?Copy !req
224. Stop it! Stand still!
Maybe I can pop it back in.Copy !req
225. Oh, no. I'm going to preserve the evidence
until Mom and Dad get home.Copy !req
226. And you'll never babysit again!Copy !req
227. You know, honey, when I think of all
the good times we've had together-Copy !req
228. Did you see that, Marge?Copy !req
229. Oh, my God!
You walked into the fountain!Copy !req
230. Get out of the fountain!Copy !req
231. Just stand still, and I'll get someone!Copy !req
232. Don't laugh at me.
I was once like you.Copy !req
233. Bart, you need first aid!
Let me in!Copy !req
234. I'm afraid you'll hurt me again.Copy !req
235. Bart, if you come out,
I'll let you eat raw cookie dough.Copy !req
236. I'll let you ride the lawn mower
through the house!Copy !req
237. Come on! Open the door!Copy !req
238. - What are you doing now?Copy !req
239. I'm banging my head.
I'm gonna make the lump even bigger.Copy !req
240. No! As your babysitter, I order you
to stop hitting your head on the wall!Copy !req
241. Bart?Copy !req
242. Did you stop because I said to?Copy !req
243. If so, thank you.Copy !req
244. Bart?Copy !req
245. - 911.Copy !req
246. Hello. This is Lisa Simpson and-Copy !req
247. Simpson? Look, we've already been
out there tonight for a "sisterectomy"...Copy !req
248. a case of severe butt rot
and a leprechaun bite.Copy !req
249. How dumb do you think we are?Copy !req
250. Wait! Dr. Hibbert!Copy !req
251. Hmm.Copy !req
252. Dislocated shoulder,
bump on the noggin.Copy !req
253. My diagnosis? Bad babysitting!Copy !req
254. Well, near as we can tell,
the boy was studying quietly...Copy !req
255. when the girl,
drunk on her own sense of power...Copy !req
256. beat him silly with a block
of frozen lima beans.Copy !req
257. It's true!Copy !req
258. Young lady, you will never babysit again!
I am so disappointed.Copy !req
259. - pointed, -pointed.Copy !req
260. Oh! Well, I guess
I don't have a choice.Copy !req
261. "Complete confidentiality"?Copy !req
262. Oh? Well, I'm sure he's
as good as Dr. Hibbert.Copy !req
263. It says so right in his ad.Copy !req
264. What's the matter, Marge?
I thought you loved Jell-O shooters.Copy !req
265. Oh, I do.Copy !req
266. I'm just a little concerned about the kids.
Maybe I should call.Copy !req
267. Oh, come on, Marge. Relax!
Lisa's in charge.Copy !req
268. She's the responsible one.Copy !req
269. Hold on, Bart.Copy !req
270. Everything's gonna be just fine.
I'm gonna get you to a doctor.Copy !req
271. He will fix you up, and by this time tomorrow,
we'll all be a happy family.Copy !req
272. Happy, happy, happy family!Copy !req
273. Maggie!Copy !req
274. Please, Maggie.Copy !req
275. Please go to sleep.Copy !req
276. Yo, um, I must've,
like, fallen on a bullet...Copy !req
277. and it, like, drove itself into my gut.Copy !req
278. Hey, don't worry.
You don't have to make up stories here.Copy !req
279. Save that for court.Copy !req
280. Um, excuse me, Mr. Smithers.Copy !req
281. Bart may be seriously hurt.Copy !req
282. Could we possibly go ahead of you?Copy !req
283. Um, no. I really would rather
get this taken care of.Copy !req
284. Excuse me, little lady.
The wheelbarrow line's over there.Copy !req
285. Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers
are a dangerous mix.Copy !req
286. - Hold it right there.Copy !req
287. Well, if it isn't Springfield's finest
little babysitter, Lisa Simpson!Copy !req
288. Hi! How are you?Copy !req
289. Um, I'm fine. Now, Lisa, when you're
walking down the side of the road...Copy !req
290. you always want to be sure
to go with traffic, okay?Copy !req
291. Well, is that with traffic
or against traffic?Copy !req
292. It's with traffic. With traffic.
Anyway, good night.Copy !req
293. Uh, hold on a minute. Let me have
a look at that wheelbarrow, please.Copy !req
294. Okay.Copy !req
295. Just as I thought! It's a Yard King!Copy !req
296. That is a quality barrow.Copy !req
297. Well, I gotta run.Copy !req
298. Oh, God! Where's Bart?Copy !req
299. Oh, Bart, I'm so sorry.
This is all like a bad dream!Copy !req
300. Citizens of Springfield...Copy !req
301. I officially declare this-
What the hell is that?Copy !req
302. Why, it's Lisa Simpson!
And look what she's doing!Copy !req
303. - I don't believe it!Copy !req
304. She's murdered her brother!Copy !req
305. - And she's trying to dump the body in a harbor!
- Well, duh!Copy !req
306. And as a grim finale, she intends
to drown that poor caged baby!Copy !req
307. Oh, what's happening?
Where am I?Copy !req
308. - And she's on drugs!
- Give me the drugs, Lisa.Copy !req
309. Dad, I'm not on drugs!
I was just trying-Copy !req
310. His arm!
Oh, my special little guy! Are you okay?Copy !req
311. Hmm. Dislocated shoulder,
bump on the noggin.Copy !req
312. My diagnosis?Copy !req
313. Rather nasty fall
caused by bad babysitting.Copy !req
314. - Hey, Bart. How's your arm?
- It's all right.Copy !req
315. I was hoping they'd give me one of those
steel claws, but what are you gonna do?Copy !req
316. I'm- I'm sorry
I was such a jerk last night.Copy !req
317. Guess I sort of ruined
your babysitting business.Copy !req
318. Yeah, well, that's okay.
I can always sell seeds.Copy !req
319. Do you want some seeds?Copy !req
320. - No, thanks.Copy !req
321. - Hello. World's worst babysitter speaking.Copy !req
322. Lisa, I'm glad I reached you.Copy !req
323. Are you available to babysit tonight?Copy !req
324. Aren't you afraid I might take drugs
and injure your children?Copy !req
325. Yes, that is a concern,
but it's so hard to find a sitter...Copy !req
326. and I've got judo tonight.Copy !req
327. - Um, okay. I'm sorry. Can you hold on, please?Copy !req
328. - Hello?
- Lisa? Ned Flanders. You available tonight?Copy !req
329. Didn't you hear
I almost killed my brother?Copy !req
330. You did? Just a minute.Copy !req
331. What time can you come over?Copy !req
332. - Shh!Copy !req