The Simpsons 8x17

1. D'oh!

2. Tonight on "Eye on Springfield"--

3. Opening day at the world's first two-story outhouse.

4. Oh, God! Stop!

5. A comedy nurse who's laughing all the way to the blood bank.

6. Okay, how many of you are here for shoulder surgery, huh?

7. Gotcha!

8. But first, move over, Baltimore.

9. Springfield has stolen your idea.

10. I'm walking on the waterfront—

11. Once the center of a thriving squid-gutting industry,

12. now abandoned by all but a few longshoremen

13. and allied tradespeople.

14. But the decades of rot will end

15. with the opening of the South Street Squidport,

16. an upscale shopping promenade

17. with authentic maritime theming.

18. And to kick it all off in style

19. area merchants will host a black-tie gala Saturday night.

20. Ooh, that sounds fabulous, Homer.

21. Stores throw the best parties.

22. You like parties, huh?

23. Well, I just remembered they're having a big one

24. down at the waterfront this weekend.

25. You didn't remember that.

26. You just saw it on TV.

27. The important thing is I didn't imagine it.

28. I can't get enough of "The BabySitter Twins."

29. They arrested the counterfeiters,

30. rescued the president and made four dollars.

31. I love everything about the world of baby-sitting—

32. The responsibility, the obligation, the pressure...

33. And full refrigerator privileges.

34. That's a trust, Janey, a sacred trust.

35. jeez, lighten up, Lisa.

36. That concludes our service.

37. All right, I have two announcements.

38. Friday you will have the chance

39. to party down in the church basement

40. to the Jesus rock stylings of Testament.

41. That's Friday, 6 p.m. sharp.

42. All the best bands are affiliated with Satan.

43. Also, anyone in need of a reliable and affordable baby-sitter

44. should call Lisa Simpson.

45. Mention the topic of today's sermon

46. to get a dollar off.

47. The topic was love.

48. Why hasn't anyone called?

49. Maybe people don't want an eight-year-old baby-sitter, honey.

50. Parents need to be sure

51. their sitter can handle anything that might happen.

52. That's why they hire teenagers.

53. But, but I'm very mature for my age.

54. People often mistake me for nine.

55. Homer, I've got a Fozzie of a bear of a problem.

56. That Maude and her mother were visiting Tyre and Sidon,

57. the twin cities of the holy land.

58. They must have kneeled in the wrong place

59. and prayed to the wrong god

60. because, well, they're being held prisoner by militants of some sort.

61. Militants, huh? Well, if I were you, I'd kick their asses.

62. Well, any hoodily-doodle, the embassy says

63. it's just a routine hostage taking

64. but I have to drive to Capitol City,

65. fill out some forms to get them out.

66. Could you possibly watch the kids tonight?

67. Oh, gee, I'd really love to want to help you, Flanders

68. but, uh... Marge was...

69. Taken prisoner in, uh...

70. Holy land, and, uh...

71. I'll do it! I'll baby-sit!

72. Well, I don't know, Lisa.

73. You're awfully young,

74. and the boys can be a handful.

75. Todd's been pinching everyone lately.

76. But I'm smart and responsible

77. and my parents will be right next door.

78. Well, what do you say, Homer?

79. Can Lisa baby-sit for my kids?

80. Please, please, please?

81. Well, I'll have to ask her.

82. Where are the dice?

83. Daddy says dice are wicked.

84. We just move one space at a time.

85. It's less fun that way.

86. - Moth! Moth! - Moth! Moth!

87. Moth-moth-moth!

88. Don't worry.

89. A moth is no more harmful than a ladybug.

90. - A ladybug? - A ladybug?

91. Uh, they're going to get eaten alive in middle school.

92. And thank you for sending Lisa

93. to protect us from the bug you sent.

94. And please make Lisa tell us a bedtime story...

95. about robots...

96. named Rod and Todd.

97. Amen.

98. Once there was a robot named Todd...

99. Did he have a brother?

100. Yes, he had a brother robot named Rod

101. who was two space years older than him.

102. I don't like this story!

103. Oh, imagine that:

104. sleeping quietly after a bug attack

105. and Todd's as dry as a bone.

106. Lisa, you're a wonder.

107. I'm going to recommend you to everybody.

108. So long, Lisa.

109. If anything goes wrong, just dial 911.

110. Unless it's an emergency.

111. Okay, chief. Enjoy Bob Saget.

112. Ha! It's Bob Seger.

113. Aw, crap.

114. Now, put your left leg into the left side

115. of the pants and you're done.

116. I dressed myself.

117. Hey, Dad. How come you're wearing a tuxedo?

118. Going to that fancy waterfront party tomorrow.

119. Why are you wearing it now?

120. It's like a rent-a-car, son.

121. You get all the mileage you can, then ball it up

122. and cram it through the mail slot.

123. Thanks for the ride.

124. You did a first-rate job of baby-sitting.

125. I've never seen such a responsible young lady.

126. Thank you, Dr. Hibbert.

127. Your trust means so much to me.

128. I only wish my Volvo mechanic were as reliable.

129. Good night, Lisa.

130. You made all that money

131. for sitting around and watching TV and eating food?

132. There's a lot more to it than that, Bart.

133. I don't just baby-sit.

134. I sell peace of mind for a dollar an hour.

135. Two dollars after 9:00.

136. Man, if I was making that kind of money

137. I'd be out of here so fast...

138. You look so glamorous, Mom.

139. Oh, and you smell like vanilla flowers.

140. Dad, you look totally classy.

141. You could be Abe Lincoln's father's boss.

142. Can you see the pie stains?

143. It'll be dark.

144. So, when's Grampa getting here to baby-sit?

145. Mmm, Grampa's not coming.

146. Oh, not Patty and Selma.

147. Actually, Bart, Lisa's going to be in charge tonight.

148. - What? - I know she's young,

149. but Lisa has proven herself mature and dependable.

150. Dad, help me out.

151. Take it like a man, boy,

152. and do everything your little sister says.

153. This is an outrage.

154. I am two years and 38 days older than she is!

155. This is the greatest injustice in the history of the world!

156. Well, we have to run.

157. I'm sure you kids will work things out.

158. Good night.

159. Make sure he brushes his teeth, Lisa.

160. Bart, I know you're not wild

161. about having me for a babysitter

162. but I'm not some ogre.

163. I think you will find me fair and fun.

164. You're dead.

165. You should wash up for dinner.

166. To make it fun, you can use the Mr. Bubble.

167. It'll be like giving your fingers a bubble bath.

168. You are so dead.

169. Ah, I love this pedestrian mall.

170. It's practically no traffic.

171. Mmm. I don't think we should be driving here.

172. The mayor's yelling at us.

173. Stop, you idiots!

174. All right, all right.

175. Jeez.

176. Okay, honey, remember where we're parked.

177. May I have some more lima beans, please?

178. Certainly.

179. More than that.

180. Certainly.

181. More.

182. More. More.

183. Maybe you should eat the ones you have.

184. I didn't say I was going to eat them.

185. I just wanted to look at them

186. because they're so gross.

187. What's for dessert?

188. Bart, if you don't want to have a baby-sitter,

189. maybe you should stop being such a baby.

190. Oh, I'm a baby, huh?

191. Well, then, I'll act like a baby.

192. Ga-ga-goo-goo.

193. Even babies know how to open and close their mouths.

194. You need a bib.

195. Oh, baby hate bib.

196. Waah! Waah! Waaah! Waaah!

197. Oh, look, Bart.

198. Now you got Maggie all upset.

199. Relax. I'll give her some ice cream.

200. Bart, that's coffee ice cream.

201. It has caffeine in it.

202. Well, I guess that'll make things more interesting

203. for you now, won't it?

204. Ooh! It's so beautiful.

205. This is what I imagine Paris must be like.

206. You've never been?

207. I'm so honored that Springfield has been chosen

208. to host all these upscale chain stores.

209. I guess this makes us yuppies, huh, Homie?

210. Nah, I'm really more of a slacker.

211. Ooh!

212. Malaria Zone.

213. That's where all the explorers shop.

214. Look, Marge!

215. A restaurant owned by celebrities.

216. I always wanted to be a celebrity.

217. Ha-ha! Yes, it's true.

218. The entire menu was personally approved by my secretary.

219. Isn't that clever?

220. It looks like a Cadillac drove right into the building.

221. Help me.

222. Wow. Even Moe's moved to fancy new digs.

223. Hey, this isn't faux dive.

224. This is a dive.

225. You're a long way from home, yuppie boy.

226. I'll start a tab.

227. Maggie, if you come down, I'll give you some more coffee.

228. Lots more coffee.

229. Are you getting ready for bed, Bart?

230. I am!

231. That's right.

232. I want the 25-foot Italian party sub.

233. And don't skimp on the vinegar.

234. It's time Lisa learned

235. what baby-sitting Bart Simpson is all about.

236. Um, yes, I'd like to host an A.A. meeting.

237. Tonight if possible.

238. Come on, Maggie.

239. Good Maggie.

240. The talcum powder's not to play with.

241. (groaning) Ohh...

242. Okay, Bart now it's really time for you to go to bed.

243. Why do you have to make this so hard?

244. I'm using nonviolent resistance.

245. The idea that you would compare yourself to Mahatma Gandhi...

246. - Who? - (doorbell chimes)

247. I'll answer it.

248. You go to bed.

249. Good evening there, miss.

250. Here's your giant sub

251. swimming in vinegar just the way you like it.

252. It's going to be $225 plus tip.

253. What? I didn't order any giant sub.

254. Hey, hey!

255. Are you ready to get rowdy?

256. Excuse me?

257. Somebody hired me for an emergency bachelor party.

258. Well, there's been a mistake.

259. Well, I'm not leaving till I get paid.

260. I get 500 just for "Hey, hey."

261. Who called for an emergency sisterectomy?

262. We got a report

263. that a Lisa Simpson spotted a U.F.O.

264. I didn't see any U.F.O.!

265. That's right, miss.

266. You didn't.

267. I'm here to pick up the ambassador from Ghana.

268. Well, he's not here! Nobody's here!

269. None of you should be here!

270. You've all been tricked!

271. Why would the ambassador do such a thing?

272. This is ridiculous.

273. I'm going to bill them later.

274. Bart, you are going to be

275. in so much trouble when Mom and Dad get home.

276. Now, go to bed!

277. You're the boss.

278. I thought I told you to go to bed.

279. Yeah, right. Bread.

280. You said go to "bread."

281. I said go to bed.

282. Yeah, go to "bread."

283. B-E-D! Bed!

284. Oh... Bed.

285. Oh.

286. Well, anything you say, sis.

287. You didn't say which bed.

288. Go to your bed!

289. - Make me. - I'll make you.

290. If you want me, you got to catch me.

291. - Almost. - (snarls)

292. - Oh, so close. - Bart!

293. Son of a—

294. Oh, my God.

295. Okay, we'll call it even

296. if I can just have some of that big sandwich.

297. Oh...

298. I'll come back.

299. Bart, are you okay?

300. Ohh. Yeah, I think so.

301. It's just a bump on my head.

302. Ew, your arm.

303. It's got extra corners.

304. Yah! Oh, cool.

305. It must be dislocated or something.

306. We have to get you to the emergency room.

307. And get this fixed? What's the rush?

308. Don't you want everyone to see

309. what a responsible baby-sitter you were?

310. Stop it. Stand still.

311. Maybe I can pop it back in.

312. No, I'm going to preserve the evidence

313. until Mom and Dad get home.

314. And you'll never baby-sit again!

315. You know, honey

316. when I think of all the good times we've had together...

317. Yeow!

318. Did you see that, Marge?

319. Oh, my God, you walked into the fountain.

320. Get out of the fountain!

321. I can't get out.

322. Just stand still and I'll get someone.

323. I can't get out.

324. Don't laugh at me.

325. I was once like you.

326. Bart, you need first aid.

327. Let me in.

328. I'm afraid you'll hurt me again.

329. Bart, if you come out,

330. I'll let you eat raw cookie dough.

331. I'll let you...

332. ride the lawn mower through the house.

333. Come on, open the door!

334. What are you doing now?

335. I'm banging my head.

336. I'm going to make the lump even bigger.

337. No! As your baby-sitter

338. I order you to stop hitting your head on the wall!

339. Bart?

340. Did you stop because I said to?

341. If so, thank you.

342. Bart?

343. 911.

344. Hello, this is Lisa Simpson...

345. Simpson? Look, we've already been out there tonight

346. for a sisterectomy,

347. a case of severe butt-rot, and a leprechaun bite.

348. How dumb do you think we are?

349. Oh.

350. Wait. Dr. Hibbert.

351. Hmm...

352. Dislocated shoulder, bump on the noggin.

353. My diagnosis?

354. Bad baby-sitting.

355. Well, near as we can tell,

356. the boy was studying quietly,

357. when the girl,

358. drunk on her own sense of power,

359. beat him silly with a block of frozen lima beans.

360. It's true!

361. Young lady, you will never baby-sit again.

362. I am so disappointed.

363. Oh, well, I guess I don't have a choice.

364. "Complete confidentiality"?

365. Oh? And I'm sure he's as good as Dr. Hibbert.

366. It says so right in his ad.

367. What's the matter, Marge?

368. I thought you loved Jell-O shooters.

369. Oh, I do.

370. I'm just a little concerned about the kids.

371. Maybe I should call.

372. Oh, come on, Marge, relax.

373. Lisa's in charge.

374. She's the responsible one.

375. Hold on, Bart.

376. Everything's going to be just fine.

377. I'm going to get you to a doctor.

378. He will fix you up.

379. And by this time tomorrow, we'll all be a happy family.

380. Happy, happy, happy family.

381. Maggie!

382. Please, Maggie. Please go to sleep.

383. Yo, um, I must have, like, fallen on a bullet,

384. and it, like, drove itself into my gut.

385. Hey, don't worry.

386. You don't have to make up stories here.

387. Save that for court.

388. Um, excuse me, Mr. Smithers.

389. Bart may be seriously hurt.

390. Could we possibly go ahead of you?

391. Um... No.

392. I really would rather get this taken care of.

393. Excuse me, little lady.

394. The wheelbarrow line is over there.

395. Ooh, loneliness and cheeseburgers

396. are a dangerous mix.

397. Hold it right there.

398. Well, if it isn't Springfield's

399. finest little baby-sitter, Lisa Simpson.

400. - Hi. How are you? - Um, I'm fine.

401. Now, Lisa, when you're walking

402. down the side of the road,

403. you always want to be sure

404. to go with traffic, okay?

405. Well, is that with traffic or against traffic?

406. No, it's with traffic— with traffic.

407. Anyway, good night.

408. Uh, hold on a minute.

409. Let me have a look at that wheelbarrow, please.

410. Okay.

411. Just as I thought.

412. It's a Yard King.

413. That is a quality barrow.

414. Well, I got to run.

415. Oh, God.

416. Where's Bart?

417. Oh, Bart, I'm so sorry.

418. This is all like a bad dream.

419. Citizens of Springfield,

420. I officially declare this—

421. What the hell is that?

422. Why, it's Lisa Simpson

423. and look what she's doing.

424. I don't believe it.

425. She's murdered her brother.

426. And she's trying to dump the body in the harbor.

427. Well, duh.

428. And as a grim finale,

429. she intends to drown that poor caged baby.

430. What's happening? Where am I?

431. And she's on drugs!

432. Give me the drugs, Lisa.

433. Dad, I am not on drugs.

434. I was just trying...

435. Oh, his arm!

436. Oh, my special little guy.

437. Are you okay?

438. Hmm. Dislocated shoulder,

439. bump on the noggin.

440. My diagnosis?

441. A rather nasty fall...

442. caused by bad baby-sitting!

443. Hey, Bart.

444. - How's your arm? - It's all right.

445. I was hoping they'd give me one of them steel claws,

446. but what are you going to do?

447. Hmm.

448. I'm... I'm sorry I was such a jerk last night.

449. I guess I sort of ruined your baby-sitting business.

450. Yeah, well, that's okay.

451. I can always sell seeds.

452. Do you want some seeds?

453. - No, thanks. - Oh.

454. Hello.

455. World's worst baby-sitter speaking.

456. DR. Lisa, I'm glad I reached you.

457. Are you available to baby-sit tonight?

458. Aren't you afraid I might take drugs

459. and injure your children?

460. Yes, that is a concern,

461. but it's so hard to find a sitter,

462. and I've got judo tonight.

463. - (beep) - Um, okay.

464. I'm sorry. Can you hold on, please?

465. Hello.

466. Lisa, Ned Flanders.

467. You available tonight?

468. Didn't you hear I almost killed my brother?

469. You did?

470. Just a minute.

471. What time can you come over?

472. Shh!

473. CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.