1. D'oh!Copy !req
2. - Come on! Come on!Copy !req
3. All right.
Everybody got their ticket?Copy !req
4. Then get ready for today's
Super Barto jackpot drawing.Copy !req
5. - Come on, canteloupe!
- And round and round she-Copy !req
6. - Uh-oh.Copy !req
7. No refunds. Force majeure.
Read the back of your ticket.Copy !req
8. Oh! $900?Copy !req
9. Well, we'll have to dip
into the retirement fund again.Copy !req
10. Ah, nuts. Hello? China?Copy !req
11. A little help?Copy !req
12. Well, I never thought
it would come to this...Copy !req
13. but I guess we'll have to sell...Copy !req
14. Grandma's Civil War doll.Copy !req
15. Oh, Mom, are you sure
you want to sell...Copy !req
16. a family heirloom
to pay the gas bill?Copy !req
17. I mean, what would
your grandma say?Copy !req
18. I'm sure she'd be proud that her
descendants had piping hot tap water...Copy !req
19. and plenty of warm, dry underwear.Copy !req
20. That is so true.Copy !req
21. Hmm. These campaign buttons
are all partisan.Copy !req
22. Don't you have any neutral ones?Copy !req
23. " May the better man win"-Copy !req
24. " Let's have a good, clean election"-
that sort of thing?Copy !req
25. Uh, no, but we do have some old shirt buttons.
They're kind of kooky and fun.Copy !req
26. Missy, you just talked yourself
right out of a sale.Copy !req
27. Hey, Lise, check it out- pogo stilts.Copy !req
28. These were banned in all 50 states.Copy !req
29. - Oh.! What happened?Copy !req
30. Wow. An actual robot from the movie
Clank, Clank, You're Dead.Copy !req
31. Think of how awful it would be
for the poor midget inside.Copy !req
32. Aw, boo-hoo.
That's what they get paid for.Copy !req
33. Homer, look!Copy !req
34. Look. A TV Guide
owned byJackie O.Copy !req
35. Oh, you should see
the crossword puzzle.Copy !req
36. She thought that Mindy
lived with Mark.Copy !req
37. - Give her a break! Her husband was killed!
- Oh, I know. Wasn't that awful?Copy !req
38. Hi. I'm John.
Can I help you with anything?Copy !req
39. Yes. I have something
that I'd like to sell.Copy !req
40. - Please tell me it's your hair.
- No.Copy !req
41. It's an heirloom my grandmother
passed down to me-Copy !req
42. a very rare old figurine
from the Civil War.Copy !req
43. Please don't construe
our ownership of this...Copy !req
44. - as an endorsement of slavery.
- Hmm.Copy !req
45. Well, see, here's the thing on this.Copy !req
46. It's a Johnny Reb bottle, early 1 97 0s.Copy !req
47. One of theJ&RWhiskey Liquor Lads.Copy !req
48. Two books of green stamps,
if I'm not mistaken.Copy !req
49. Oh, no. Oh, no.
No, no. No, no.Copy !req
50. It's a very,
very old figurine.Copy !req
51. No, it's a liquor bottle.Copy !req
52. See?Copy !req
53. Ahh!
That'll make your bull run.Copy !req
54. Hmm.
Well...Copy !req
55. I guess it'll always be a monument
to Grandma's secret drinking problem.Copy !req
56. Okay. So maybe that thing's
a hunk of junk.Copy !req
57. But look
at what you're selling.Copy !req
58. Fifty bucks for a toy?
No kid is worth that.Copy !req
59. Oh, but this is the Rex Mars
Atomic Discombobulator.Copy !req
60. Don't you just love
the graphics on this box?Copy !req
61. No. How can you love
a box or a toy or graphics?Copy !req
62. - You're a grown man.
- It's camp!Copy !req
63. The tragically ludicrous?
The ludicrously tragic?Copy !req
64. Oh, yeah.
Like when a clown dies.Copy !req
65. Well, sort of.
But I mean more like inflatable furniture...Copy !req
66. or Last Supper TV trays,
or even this bowling shirt.Copy !req
67. Can you believe somebody
gave this to Goodwill?Copy !req
68. - And that kind of stuff is worth money?
- Boy howdy!Copy !req
69. Man. You should
come over to our place.Copy !req
70. It's full of valuable
worthless crap.Copy !req
71. Well, if you're inviting me over.Copy !req
72. I practically insist.
Shall we say 5:00? The snacking hour?Copy !req
73. My heart is palpitating.
Hoo-hoo!Copy !req
74. Pimiento nose, and voilà-Copy !req
75. Mommy's patented
happy cracker snack platter.Copy !req
76. - Ding-dong.Copy !req
77. Classic. I mean, that says it all,
doesn't it?Copy !req
78. Oh, man. You weren't kidding
about this place.Copy !req
79. - Well, I just love it.
- Do I know you?Copy !req
80. Oh, the color scheme
and the rabbit ears.Copy !req
81. And the 2.3 children.
I mean, where's the Hi-C?Copy !req
82. - Hi-C and Fluffernutters.
- Oh!Copy !req
83. And pearls on a little girl.Copy !req
84. It's a fairy tale.Copy !req
85. Oh, I've got the exact same curtains,
only in my bathroom.Copy !req
86. Didn't you just die
when you found these?Copy !req
87. Not really.
They just had corn on them.Copy !req
88. Kitchen, corn.Copy !req
89. - Oh!Copy !req
90. - Ha!
- Ow!Copy !req
91. - Why, you little-
- Dad!Copy !req
92. - I'll teach you to-
- Dad! Company! Company!Copy !req
93. Oh. I'll just be
another minute, John.Copy !req
94. - Have a seat.Copy !req
95. So, do those records have camp value?Copy !req
96. Everything here does.
You yourself are worth a bundle, Homer.Copy !req
97. Why, I could wrap a bow around you
and slap on a price tag.Copy !req
98. Come on, Homer. Join the party.Copy !req
99. Maybe more.Copy !req
100. Yeah.
And he collects toy robots.Copy !req
101. He is quite a charmer.
Your father's certainly taken a shine to him.Copy !req
102. - Oh!Copy !req
103. ThatJohn is the greatest
guy in the world.Copy !req
104. We got to have him and his wife over
for drinks sometime.Copy !req
105. Mmm, I don't think
he's married, Homer.Copy !req
106. Oh, a swingin' bachelor, eh?Copy !req
107. Well, there's lots
of foxy ladies out there.Copy !req
108. Homer, didn'tJohn
seem a little... festive to you?Copy !req
109. Couldn't agree more.
Happy as a clam.Copy !req
110. - He prefers the company of men.
- Who doesn't?Copy !req
111. Homer, listen carefully.
John is a homo-Copy !req
112. - Right.
- sexual.Copy !req
113. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. I danced with a gay.Copy !req
114. Marge, Lisa, promise me
you won't tell anyone. Promise me!Copy !req
115. - You're being ridiculous.
- Am I, Marge? Am I?Copy !req
116. Think of the property values.Copy !req
117. Now we can never say only straight people
have been in this house.Copy !req
118. I'm very sorry you feel that way...Copy !req
119. becauseJohn invited us all out
for a drive today, and we're going.Copy !req
120. Whoa-ho-ho! Not me!Copy !req
121. And not becauseJohn's gay,
but because he's a sneak.Copy !req
122. He should at least have the good taste
to mince around...Copy !req
123. and let everyone know
that he's... that way.Copy !req
124. What on earth are you talking about?Copy !req
125. You know me, Marge.
I like my beer cold, my TV loud...Copy !req
126. and my homosexuals flaming.!Copy !req
127. - Zap!Copy !req
128. Homer, at least come out
and say hello.Copy !req
129. - No. No, no. No. Oh, no.
- Oh, come on.Copy !req
130. You liked John this morning.Copy !req
131. No. I'm not setting foot outside this house
until that man is gone.Copy !req
132. Oh, Dad, you are the living end.Copy !req
133. Hey, where'd that cool,
creepy Santa come from?Copy !req
134. Japan. Except over there they call him
"Annual Gift Man," and he lives on the moon.Copy !req
135. And that's where Kent Brockman was caught
cheating in the Springfield Marathon.Copy !req
136. - Ooh!
- Whoa!Copy !req
137. And there's where Lupe Velez
bought the toilet she drowned in.Copy !req
138. - Ooh!
- Whoa!Copy !req
139. That was a killer tour, man.Copy !req
140. I never realized
how many celebrities...Copy !req
141. humiliated themselves
right in our own backyard.Copy !req
142. This is a sordid little burg, isn't it?Copy !req
143. Makes me sick in a wonderful,
wonderful way.Copy !req
144. - John.Copy !req
145. Waylon. I'd like you
to meet the Simpsons.Copy !req
146. I know the Simpsons.Copy !req
147. So this is your sick mother?Copy !req
148. Don't do this to me, Waylon.Copy !req
149. How'd it go?
Tell me everything that happened.Copy !req
150. - He didn't give you gay, did he? Did he?
- Oh, geez Louise!Copy !req
151. You don't even know what
you're worried about anymore.Copy !req
152. John's a witty, urbane person.Copy !req
153. Oh, and I'm not?Copy !req
154. Hey, Dad, look what I got.
Zap!Copy !req
155. Zap.! Zap.! Zap.!Copy !req
156. Bart!
Where'd you get that shirt?Copy !req
157. - I don't know. Came out of the closet.
- Uh... huh.Copy !req
158. I hope you all saved room...Copy !req
159. because I made
your favorite dessert.Copy !req
160. Store-bought snack cakes- both kinds.Copy !req
161. Hmm. Hmm.Copy !req
162. - Hmm- Hmm.
- Grr!Copy !req
163. Homie, I can hear you chewing on your pillow.
What's wrong?Copy !req
164. Marge, the boy was wearing
a Hawaiian shirt!Copy !req
165. - So?
- There's only two kinds of guys
who wear those shirts-Copy !req
166. gay guys and big fat party animals.Copy !req
167. And Bart doesn't look
like a big fat party animal to me.Copy !req
168. So if you wore a Hawaiian shirt,
it wouldn't be gay?Copy !req
169. Right. Thank you.Copy !req
170. I hope you realize
this is all your fault.Copy !req
171. I mean, do you have to be so effeminate
around the boy?Copy !req
172. Homer, I don't think there's
a problem with Bart.Copy !req
173. But if there is, it's probably because
you're not spending any time with him.Copy !req
174. Good night.Copy !req
175. All right, boy, come on.
Today we're gonna-Copy !req
176. - Gonna what, Homer?Copy !req
177. And Helen Lovejoy-
Sure, she looks blonde...Copy !req
178. but I've heard cuffs and collar
don't match, if you get my drift.Copy !req
179. I don't, but I loved hearing it.Copy !req
180. You.! I should have known.Copy !req
181. - Good morning, sunshine.
- Homer, John brought us cactus candy.Copy !req
182. Look, John, you seem
like a perfectly nice guy and all.Copy !req
183. Just stay the hell away
from my family!Copy !req
184. Well, now you don't get any candy.Copy !req
185. No, that's cruel.
Take a teensy piece.Copy !req
186. - No.
- Homer, what have you got against gays?Copy !req
187. You know! It's- It's not usual.Copy !req
188. If there was a law,
it would be against it.Copy !req
189. Oh, Homer, please.
You're embarrassing yourself.Copy !req
190. No, I'm not, Marge.Copy !req
191. They're embarrassing me.
They're embarrassing America.Copy !req
192. They turned the navy
into a floating joke.Copy !req
193. They ruined all our best names,
like Bruce and Lance and Julian.Copy !req
194. Those were the toughest
names we had.Copy !req
195. Now they're just, uh-Copy !req
196. - Queer?
- Yeah, and that's another thing.Copy !req
197. I resent you people using that word.Copy !req
198. That's our word for making fun of you!Copy !req
199. We need it!Copy !req
200. Well, I'm taking back our word,
and I'm taking back my son.Copy !req
201. Don't worry, boy.
We're gonna set you straight.Copy !req
202. By tomorrow morning,
you'll be a regular Burt Reynolds.Copy !req
203. What are you talking about, Homer?
Where are we going?Copy !req
204. Just a couple of good old-fashioned
manly places, father and son.Copy !req
205. You're leaving the arm there
too long. You want to make it worse?Copy !req
206. No, no. He'll know you're on to him.
Quick- shake his hand.Copy !req
207. Just remember, Son-
whatever happens, I'll always love you.Copy !req
208. As? As?Copy !req
209. As a father. A father.
Regular father. Whew.Copy !req
210. - What am I supposed to do here?
- Nothing. Just sit. I'll be back.Copy !req
211. Well, it's been two hours.
How do you feel?Copy !req
212. I don't know.
I kind of want a cigarette.Copy !req
213. That's a good start. Let's get you a pack.
What's your brand?Copy !req
214. - Anything slim.Copy !req
215. Okay, that didn't work.
But I know something that will.Copy !req
216. Bart, I want you to shake hands with-
What's your name, fella?Copy !req
217. - Roscoe.
- Roscoe here runs this mill.Copy !req
218. He's gonna show us around
and let you get a firsthand look...Copy !req
219. at real all-American Joes
doing what they do best.Copy !req
220. - Why would I wanna see that?
- You'll thank me on your wedding night.Copy !req
221. Hey. Listen up.Copy !req
222. I want all of youse
to say hello to the Simpsons.Copy !req
223. Hello!Copy !req
224. Has the whole world
gone insane?Copy !req
225. - Stand still! There's a spark in your hair!
- Get it! Get it! Get it!Copy !req
226. - Hot stuff comin' through.Copy !req
227. Dad, why did you bring me
to a gay steel mill?Copy !req
228. I don't know!
This is a nightmare!Copy !req
229. You're all sick!Copy !req
230. Oh, be nice!Copy !req
231. Oh! My son doesn't stand a chance!Copy !req
232. The whole world's gone gay!Copy !req
233. - Oh, my God! What's happening now?Copy !req
234. We work hard.
We play hard.Copy !req
235. Oh!Copy !req
236. And the entire steel mill was gay.Copy !req
237. Where you been, Homer?Copy !req
238. Entire steel industry's gay.Copy !req
239. Yeah, aerospace too-
and the railroads.Copy !req
240. And you know what else?
Broadway.Copy !req
241. Yeah, I always thought Bart
would grow up to be just like us.Copy !req
242. - What happened?
- Ah, it ain't no mystery.Copy !req
243. Whole modern world's
got a swishifying effect on kids today.Copy !req
244. And their MTVs
and their diet sodas...Copy !req
245. ain't gonna set 'em
straight neither.Copy !req
246. You gotta do it yourself, Homer,
and you gotta do it fast.Copy !req
247. But what would turn Bart
into a man fast?Copy !req
248. - You have to think for me.
- Well, let's see now. Uh-Copy !req
249. Time was, you send
a boy off to war.Copy !req
250. Shootin' a man'd
fix him right up.Copy !req
251. But there's not even any wars no more-
Thank you very much, Warren Christopher.Copy !req
252. Hey, better yet,
Bart could shoot a deer.Copy !req
253. That's like shooting
a beautiful man.Copy !req
254. Hey, he's right, Homer.
After the boy bags a deer...Copy !req
255. all the diet sodas in the world
won't turn him back.Copy !req
256. Then you just sit back
and watch the grandkids roll in.Copy !req
257. Hunting, eh?Copy !req
258. Stand aside, Marge.
I'm taking the boy deer hunting.Copy !req
259. He's going to grow up
straight for once!Copy !req
260. What? You never went hunting before,
and you're perfectly straight.Copy !req
261. Oh, yeah? How long since
you've had a baby?Copy !req
262. But, Dad, it's barbaric.Copy !req
263. How does killing a deer
make you more of a man?Copy !req
264. - It just does. Name me one gay Indian.
- Uh-oh. Something's gonna die.Copy !req
265. Butt out, buttinsky.
What would you know about hunting?Copy !req
266. I know this much.
I wouldn't wear that hideous hat.Copy !req
267. Here. Take this one.
It was worn by Yale Summers in Daktari.Copy !req
268. Hang on to it, toy boy.
You might need it...Copy !req
269. when it starts raining naked ladies.Copy !req
270. Today you're gonna be a man, Bart.Copy !req
271. You guys gonna
teach me to drive?Copy !req
272. Oh, yeah. Let a twinkle-toes
drive Betsy. Right.Copy !req
273. Yeah. No, boy.Copy !req
274. You can't drive. You're only 10.
You're going hunting.Copy !req
275. You ever been huntin'
before there, Barty?Copy !req
276. Nope. Something about a bunch of guys
alone together in the woods-Copy !req
277. seems kinda gay.Copy !req
278. That is a very immature attitude,
young man.Copy !req
279. Remember, guys.
The truck only holds six carcasses...Copy !req
280. so don't shoot nothin'
but trophy bucks, huh?Copy !req
281. Ah, we should have just stayed at the bar
and shot some rats.Copy !req
282. Hey, those ain't your rats, Barn.Copy !req
283. Homie, you ready to call it quits?Copy !req
284. Well, but-Wait a minute.
Bart's not fixed yet.Copy !req
285. - He hasn't even-
- Homer.Copy !req
286. Oh-Copy !req
287. - Come on. Don't take it so hard, Homer.Copy !req
288. You still got that other kid- uh, Lisa.Copy !req
289. Let's take her out hunting tomorrow,
make her into a man.Copy !req
290. No, she'd never go.
She's a vegetarian.Copy !req
291. Oh, geez, Homer. Geez.Copy !req
292. You and Marge
ain't cousins, are you?Copy !req
293. No. This whole thing is my fault.Copy !req
294. I've been a lousy dad.Copy !req
295. Cheer up, Homer.Copy !req
296. Christmas is coming early this year.Copy !req
297. Did he say
where they were going?Copy !req
298. No. They were just going to find a deer
and make Bart shoot it.Copy !req
299. Deer? Ha! Not around here.Copy !req
300. They all migrated north when the state park
converted to Astroturf.Copy !req
301. But if there's no deer out there,
then what are they hunting?Copy !req
302. Well, the only thing around here that's
even close to deer is-Copy !req
303. Hey, boy, wake up.
Your old man found some deer.Copy !req
304. Huh? You did?Copy !req
305. Wait, man. Those are reindeer.Copy !req
306. Yeah. And it's your shot, Son.Copy !req
307. What? I'm not gonna shoot
a reindeer in a pen.Copy !req
308. Come on, Bart.
Be a sport and kill Blitzen, okay?Copy !req
309. - Dad!
- Ah, criminy.Copy !req
310. Here come the waterworks.Copy !req
311. Bart, I'm gonna turn my back,
and when I turn around...Copy !req
312. I wanna see a whole pile
of dead reindeer!Copy !req
313. - Thataway, Son!Copy !req
314. You made your old man proud.Copy !req
315. I didn't do anything.Copy !req
316. Aye! They're goin' nuts!
Like in those nature films!Copy !req
317. Yeah.
Must be matin' season.Copy !req
318. - Dad, I'm scared.
- Me too, Son.Copy !req
319. No, don't.
You have to protect yourself.Copy !req
320. Son, there comes a time
in every father's life when he must-Copy !req
321. Dad, are you hurt?Copy !req
322. Just my bones... and organs.Copy !req
323. - Ho, ho, ho.Copy !req
324. - Ho, ho, ho.
- What the-Copy !req
325. Bart, look.! It's Santa Claus.!Copy !req
326. Ho, ho, ho.Copy !req
327. - Ho, ho, ho.
- Whoa! It's Santa, all right.Copy !req
328. And he is kickin' ass.Copy !req
329. Ho, ho, ho. Ho, ho, ho.Copy !req
330. It's a miracle!Copy !req
331. No, Ultrasuede is a miracle.
This is just good timing.Copy !req
332. Oh. Oh.Copy !req
333. Oh, Homie,
I'm so glad you're safe.Copy !req
334. Hmm. You feel softer than before.Copy !req
335. I've been tenderized.Copy !req
336. - How'd you know that thing would work?
- The sound is just brutal...Copy !req
337. and I figured reindeer
would naturally be afraid...Copy !req
338. of their cruel master Santa Claus.Copy !req
339. I mean, wouldn't you be?Copy !req
340. Is it okay to come out now,
Mr. Gay Man, sir?Copy !req
341. I'll do anything you say-
anything!Copy !req
342. Ah, Moe!
We were saved by a sissy.Copy !req
343. Yeah. Yeah.
We'll never live it down.Copy !req
344. Ah, boy. It looks like
it's suicide again for me.Copy !req
345. Hey, we owe this guy.
And I don't want you calling him a sissy.Copy !req
346. This guy's a fruit. And a-Copy !req
347. No. Wait, wait, wait.
Queer. Queer. Queer.Copy !req
348. That's what you like
to be called, right?Copy !req
349. Well, that orJohn.Copy !req
350. This is about as tolerant as Dad gets,
so you should be flattered.Copy !req
351. Great. Well, Homer,
I won your respect.Copy !req
352. And all I had to do
was save your life.Copy !req
353. Now if every gay man
could just do the same, you'd be set.Copy !req
354. Amen to that.Copy !req
355. You know, Bart, maybe it's just
the concussion talking...Copy !req
356. but any way you choose
to live your life is okay with me.Copy !req
357. - Huh?
- He thinks you're gay.Copy !req
358. - He thinks I'm gay?Copy !req
359. - Shh!Copy !req