The Simpsons 8x15

1. D'oh!

2. - Aah! - (tires screech)

3. - Here we go! - Come on, come on!

4. All right, everybody got their ticket?

5. Then get ready for today's super-Barto jackpot drawing.

6. Come on, cantaloupe.

7. And 'round and 'round she...

8. Uh-oh.

9. No refunds. Force majeure.

10. Read the back of your ticket.

11. (groaning) Oh... $900?

12. Well, we'll have to dip into the retirement fund again.

13. Aw, nuts.

14. Hello?

15. China?

16. A little help?

17. Well, I never thought it would come to this,

18. but I guess we'll have to sell

19. Grandma's Civil War doll.

20. Mom, are you sure you want to sell

21. a family heirloom to pay the gas bill?

22. I mean, what would your grandma say?

23. I'm sure she'd be proud

24. that her descendants had piping hot tap water

25. and plenty of warm, dry underwear.

26. That is so true.

27. Hmm, these campaign buttons are all partisan.

28. Don't you have any neutral ones?

29. "May the better man win"?

30. "Let's have a good, clean election"?

31. That sort of thing?

32. No, but we do have some old shirt buttons.

33. They're kind of kooky and fun.

34. Missy, you just talked yourself

35. right out of a sale.

36. Hey, Lise, check it out, pogo stilts.

37. These were banned in all 50 states.

38. Ow! Ohh! What happened?

39. Wow, an actual robot from the movie

40. "Clank, Clank, You're Dead."

41. Think of how awful it would be

42. for the poor midget inside.

43. Oh, boo-hoo.

44. That's what they get paid for.

45. Oh, Homer, look!

46. A TV guide owned by Jackie O!

47. Oh, you should see the crossword puzzle.

48. She thought that Mindy lived with "Mark."

49. Give her a break. Her husband was killed.

50. Oh, I know. Wasn't that awful?

51. Hi, I'm John. Can I help you with anything?

52. Yes, I have something that I'd like to sell.

53. Please tell me it's your hair.

54. No. It's an heirloom

55. my grandmother passed down to me,

56. a very rare old figurine from the Civil War.

57. Please don't construe our ownership of this

58. as an endorsement of slavery.

59. Hmm.

60. Well, see, here's the thing on this.

61. It's a Johnny Reb bottle, early 1970s.

62. One of the J&R Whiskey "Liquor Lads."

63. Two books of green stamps, if I'm not mistaken.

64. Oh, no.

65. Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

66. It's a very, very old figurine.

67. No, it's a liquor bottle.

68. See?

69. Ah, that will make your bull run.

70. Well, I guess it'll always be a monument

71. to Grandma's secret drinking problem.

72. Okay, so maybe that thing's a hunk of junk,

73. but look at what you're selling.

74. 50 bucks for a toy? No kid is worth that.

75. Oh, but this is the Rex Mars Atomic Discombobulator.

76. Don't you just love the graphics on this box?

77. No.

78. How you can you love a box or a toy or graphics?

79. You're a grown man.

80. It's camp.

81. The tragically ludicrous? The ludicrously tragic?

82. Oh, yeah. Like when a clown dies.

83. Well, sort of...

84. But I mean more like inflatable furniture

85. or "Last Supper" TV trays,

86. or even this bowling shirt.

87. Can you believe somebody gave this to Goodwill?

88. And that kind of stuff is worth money?

89. Boy, howdy.

90. Man, you should come over to our place.

91. It's full of valuable, worthless crap.

92. Well, if you're inviting me over...

93. I practically insist. Shall we say 5:00?

94. The snacking hour?

95. My heart is palpitating. Woo-hoo!

96. Pimento nose and voila.

97. Mommy's patented happy-cracker snack platter.

98. Ding-dong. Classic.

99. I mean, that says it all, doesn't it?

100. Oh, man, you weren't kidding about this place.

101. Well, I just love it.

102. Do I know you?

103. Oh, the color scheme and the rabbit ears.

104. And the 2.3 children.

105. I mean, where's the Hi-C?

106. Hi-C and fluffernutters.

107. Oh!

108. And pearls on a little girl.

109. It's a fairy tale.

110. Oh.

111. Oh, I've got the exact same curtains,

112. only in my bathroom.

113. Didn't you just die when you found these?

114. Not really.

115. They just had corn on them. Kitchen? Corn?

116. Oh!

117. Oww! Why you little—

118. Aaah! Dad! Dad! Company! Company!

119. Oh. I'll just be another minute, John.

120. Have a seat.

121. So do those records have camp value?

122. Everything here does.

123. You yourself are worth a bundle, Homer.

124. Why, I could wrap a bow around you

125. and slap on a price tag.

126. Come on, Homer, join the party.

127. Mom, John loves Itchy and Scratchy

128. as much as we do— Maybe more.

129. Yeah, and he collects toy robots.

130. He is quite a charmer.

131. Your father's certainly taken a shine to him.

132. Oh, Homer, you are the living end.

133. Oh!

134. That John is the greatest guy in the world.

135. We've got to have him and his wife over

136. for drinks sometime.

137. Mmm, I don't think he's married, Homer.

138. Oh, a swinging bachelor, eh?

139. Well, there's lots of foxy ladies out there.

140. Homer, didn't John seem a little...

141. festive to you?

142. Couldn't agree more. Happy as a clam.

143. He prefers the company of men.

144. Who doesn't?

145. Homer, listen carefully—

146. John is a ho-mo—

147. Right.

148. sexual.

149. Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God,

150. Oh, my God! I danced with a gay.

151. Marge, Lisa, promise me you won't tell anyone.

152. Promise me!

153. You're being ridiculous.

154. Am I, Marge? Am I?

155. Think of the property values.

156. Now we can never say

157. only straight people have been in this house.

158. I'm very sorry you feel that way,

159. because John invited us all out for a drive today,

160. and we're going.

161. Whoa-ho-ho. Not me.

162. And not because John's gay, but because he's a sneak.

163. He should have the good taste to mince around

164. and let everyone know that he's that way.

165. What on earth are you talking about?

166. You know me, Marge.

167. I like my beer cold, my TV loud,

168. and my homosexuals fa-laming.

169. Zzzapp!

170. Homer, at least come out and say hello.

171. - No. Nuh-uh. No. - Oh, come on.

172. - Oh, no. - You liked John this morning.

173. No! I am not setting foot outside this house

174. until that man is gone.

175. Oh! Dad, you are the living end.

176. Hey, where'd that cool, creepy Santa come from?

177. Japan. Except over there, they call him

178. "Annual Gift-man" and he lives on the moon.

179. And that's where Kent Brockman

180. was caught cheating in the Springfield marathon.

181. - Whoa. - Ooh. Oh.

182. And there's where Lupe Velez

183. bought the toilet she drowned in.

184. Oh! Oh!

185. That was a killer tour, man.

186. I never realized how many celebrities

187. humiliated themselves right in our own backyard.

188. This is a sordid little burg, isn't it?

189. Makes me sick in a wonderful, wonderful way.

190. - John. - Oh... Waylon.

191. I'd like you to meet the Simpsons.

192. I know the Simpsons.

193. So this is your sick mother?

194. Don't do this to me, Waylon.

195. How'd it go?

196. Tell me everything that happened.

197. He didn't give you gay, did he? Did he?

198. Oh, jeez, Louise!

199. You don't even know what you're worried about anymore.

200. John's a witty, urbane person.

201. Oh, and I'm not.

202. Hey, Dad, look what I got.

203. Zzzapp. Zzzapp. Zzzapp... Zzzapp...

204. Bart! Where'd you get that shirt?

205. I don't know. Came out of the closet.

206. Uh... huh.

207. I hope you all saved room,

208. because I made your favorite dessert.

209. Store-bought snack cakes— Both kinds.

210. Hmm, hmm.

211. Hmm...

212. Homie, I can hear you chewing on your pillow.

213. What's wrong?

214. Marge, the boy was wearing a Hawaiian shirt.

215. So?

216. There's only two kinds of guys who wear those shirts:

217. gay guys and big, fat party animals.

218. And Bart doesn't look like a big, fat party animal to me.

219. So if you wore a Hawaiian shirt it wouldn't be gay?

220. Right. Thank you.

221. I hope you realize this is all your fault.

222. I mean, do you have to be so effeminate around the boy?

223. Homer, I don't think there's a problem with Bart

224. but if there is, it's probably because

225. you're not spending any time with him.

226. Good night.

227. All right, boy, come on. Today we're going to—

228. Gonna what, Homer?

229. And Helen Lovejoy, sure, she looks blonde,

230. but I've heard cuffs and collar don't match,

231. if you get my drift.

232. I don't, but I loved hearing it.

233. You!

234. I should have known.

235. Well, good morning, sunshine.

236. Homer, John brought us cactus candy.

237. Look, John, you seem like a perfectly nice guy and all.

238. Just stay the hell away from my family.

239. Well, now you don't get any candy.

240. - No, that's cruel. Take a teensy piece. - No.

241. Homer, what have you got against gays?

242. You know. It's... It's not... usual.

243. If there was a law, it would be against it.

244. Oh, Homer, please— You're embarrassing yourself.

245. No, I'm not, Marge!

246. They're embarrassing me. They're embarrassing America.

247. They turned the navy into a floating joke.

248. They ruined all our best names, like Bruce and Lance and Julian.

249. Those were the toughest names we had.

250. Now they're just... uh...

251. - Queer? - Yeah, and that's another thing.

252. I resent you people using that word.

253. That's our word for making fun of you.

254. We need it.

255. Well, I'm taking back our word, and I'm taking back my son.

256. Don't worry, boy.

257. We're going to set you straight.

258. By tomorrow morning,

259. you'll be a regular Burt Reynolds.

260. What are you talking about, Homer? Where are we going?

261. Just a couple of good, old-fashioned manly places...

262. Father and son.

263. You're leaving the arm there too long.

264. You want to make it worse?

265. No! No! He'll know you're onto him.

266. Quick, shake his hand.

267. Just remember, son,

268. whatever happens I'll always love you.

269. As? As?

270. As a father. A father.

271. Regular father.

272. Whew.

273. What am I supposed to do here?

274. Nothing. Just sit. I'll be back.

275. Well, it's been two hours. How do you feel?

276. I don't know. I kind of want a cigarette.

277. That's a good start. Let's get you a pack.

278. What's your brand?

279. Anything slim.

280. Okay, that didn't work.

281. But I know something that will.

282. Bart, I want you to shake hands with—

283. What's your name, fellow?

284. - Roscoe. - Roscoe, here, runs this mill.

285. He's going to show us around

286. and let you get a first-hand look

287. at real, all-American Joes doing what they do best.

288. Why the hell would I want to see that?

289. You'll thank me on your wedding night.

290. Hey! Listen up!

291. I want all of youse to say hello to the Simpsons.

292. Has the whole world gone insane?

293. (lisping) Stand still. There's a spark in your hair.

294. Get it, get it!

295. Hot stuff coming through.

296. Dad, why did you bring me to a gay steel mill?

297. I don't know.

298. This is a nightmare!

299. You're all sick!

300. Oh, be nice.

301. Oh... My son doesn't stand a chance.

302. The whole world's gone gay!

303. Oh, my God, what's happening now?

304. We work hard, we play hard.

305. And the entire steel mill was gay.

306. Where you been, Homer?

307. Entire steel industry's gay.

308. Aerospace, too, and the railroads.

309. And you know what else? Broadway.

310. I always thought Bart would grow up

311. to be just like us.

312. What happened?

313. Oh, it ain't no mystery.

314. Whole modern world's got a swishifying effect on kids today,

315. and their MTVs and their diet sodas

316. ain't going to set them straight neither.

317. You got to do it yourself, Homer and you gotta do it fast.

318. What would turn Bart into a man fast?

319. You have to think for me.

320. Well, let's see now...

321. Time was, you'd send a boy off to war.

322. Shooting a man would fix him right up,

323. but there's not even any wars no more

324. thank you very much, Warren Christopher.

325. Better yet, Bart could shoot a deer.

326. That's like shooting a beautiful man.

327. Hey, he's right, Homer.

328. After the boy bags a deer,

329. all the diet sodas in the world won't turn him back.

330. Then you just sit back

331. and watch the grandkids roll in.

332. Hunting, eh?

333. Stand aside, Marge.

334. I'm taking the boy deer hunting.

335. He's going to grow up straight for once.

336. What? You never went hunting before,

337. and you're perfectly straight.

338. Oh, yeah? How long since you've had a baby?

339. But, Dad, it's barbaric.

340. How does killing a deer make you more of a man?

341. It just does. Name me one gay Indian.

342. Uh-oh. Something's going to die.

343. Butt out, buttinsky.

344. What would you know about hunting?

345. I know this much. I wouldn't wear that hideous hat.

346. Here. Take this one.

347. It was worn by Yale Summers in "Daktari."

348. Hang on to it, toy-boy you might need it

349. when it starts raining naked ladies.

350. Today you're going to be a man, Bart.

351. You guys going to teach me to drive?

352. Oh, yeah. Let a twinkle-toes drive Betsy. Right.

353. No, boy.

354. You can't drive. You're only ten.

355. You're going hunting.

356. You ever been hunting before, there, Barty?

357. Nope. Something about a bunch of guys

358. alone together in the woods...

359. Seems kind of gay.

360. That is a very immature attitude, young man.

361. Remember, guys, the truck only holds six carcasses,

362. so don't shoot nothing but trophy bucks, huh?

363. Aw, we should have just stayed at the bar

364. and shot some rats.

365. Hey, those ain't your rats, Barn.

366. Well, Homie, you ready to call it quits?

367. Oh, but... Wait a minute.

368. Bart's not fixed yet. He hasn't even...

369. Homer...

370. Ohh...

371. Come on, don't take it so hard, Homer.

372. You still got that other kid—

373. Uh... Lisa.

374. Let's, uh, take her out hunting tomorrow,

375. make her into a man.

376. Aw, she'd never go.

377. She's a vegetarian.

378. Oh, jeez! Homer, jeez!

379. You and Marge ain't cousins, are you?

380. No. This whole thing is my fault.

381. I've been a lousy Dad.

382. Cheer up, Homer.

383. Christmas is coming early this year.

384. Did he say where were they going?

385. No. They were just going to find a deer

386. and make Bart shoot it.

387. Deer? Ha! Not around here.

388. They all migrated north

389. when the state park converted to astroturf.

390. But if there's no deer out there

391. then what are they hunting?

392. The only thing around here that's even close to deer is...

393. Hey, boy, wake up.

394. Your old man found some deer.

395. Huh? You did?

396. Wait, man, those are reindeer.

397. - (gun cocks) - Yeah. And it's your shot, son.

398. What? I'm not going to shoot a reindeer in a pen.

399. Come on, Bart.

400. Be a sport and kill Blitzen, okay?

401. Dad!

402. Aw, criminy, here come the waterworks.

403. Bart, I'm going to turn my back,

404. and when I turn around, I want to see

405. a whole pile of dead reindeer!

406. That a way, son!

407. You made your old man proud.

408. I didn't do anything.

409. Hey, they're going nuts

410. like in those nature films!

411. Ah, must be mating season.

412. Dad, I'm scared.

413. Me, too, son.

414. No, don't.

415. You have to protect yourself!

416. Son, there comes a time in every father's life

417. when he must...

418. Dad, are you hurt?

419. Just my bones and organs.

420. D'oh!

421. Ho, ho, ho!

422. Ho, ho, ho!

423. What the—

424. Ho, ho, ho!

425. Bart, look! It's Santa Claus!

426. Whoa! It's Santa, all right,

427. and he is kicking ass!

428. Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho!

429. It's a miracle!

430. No— Ultrasuede is a miracle.

431. This is just good timing.

432. Oh, Homie, I'm so glad you're safe.

433. Hmm, you feel softer than before.

434. I've been tenderized.

435. How'd you know that thing would work?

436. Well, the sound is just brutal,

437. and I figured reindeer would naturally be afraid

438. of their cruel master, Santa Claus.

439. I mean, wouldn't you be? Ha!

440. Is it okay to come out now, Mr. Gay Man, sir?

441. I'll do anything you say. Anything.

442. Aw, Moe, we were saved by a sissy.

443. Yeah, yeah. We'll never live it down.

444. Oh, boy, it looks like it's suicide again for me.

445. Hey! We owe this guy,

446. and I don't want you calling him a sissy.

447. This guy's a fruit,

448. and a... No, wait, wait, wait.

449. Queer, queer, queer.

450. That's what you like to be called, right?

451. Well, that or John.

452. This is about as tolerant as Dad gets,

453. so you should be flattered.

454. Great!

455. Well, Homer, I won your respect

456. and all I had to do was save your life.

457. Now, if every gay man could just do the same,

458. you'd be set.

459. Amen to that.

460. You know, Bart,

461. maybe it's just the concussion talking,

462. but any way you choose to live your life

463. is okay with me.

464. Huh?

465. (whispering) He thinks you're gay.

466. He thinks I'm gay?

467. Shh!

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