The Simpsons 8x1

Paul Anka as Paul Anka (voice) • Marcia Wallace as Edna Krabappel (voice)

A Halloween trilogy. This time, Bart meets his "pure evil" Siamese twin; Lisa's science project attacks Bart; aliens Kang and Kodos invade as Clinton and Dole's replicas just before the 1996 Presidential election.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Hmm.

2. Ahh.

3. Did you hear that, Bart?

4. Maybe it was just the cat.

5. No. She's sleeping with me.

6. Did you guys hear something moving around

7. in the attic last night?

8. Attic? Oh, that's silly.

9. Seriously, though, don't ever go up there.

10. Homer, isn't it about time for the—

11. You know.

12. Yeah, yeah. I'll go feed it.

13. - What's up there? - Yeah, is it a monster?

14. - We have to know. - Come on, what's the secret?

15. No more questions.

16. I work my butt off to feed you four kids,

17. and all you do is— What?

18. Three. We have three kids, Homer.

19. Yeah. Three nosy kids.

20. And you know what happens to nosy kids

21. who ask too many questions?

22. - No, what? - What does happen?

23. - Does something happen? - What happens?

24. Hurry up.

25. Mom and Dad will be home soon.

26. - Wah! - Oof.

27. The unsold copies of Dad's autobiography.

28. Oh, my God, Bart, look.

29. Bart, do you think it's safe?

30. I don't care. I can't breathe in here.

31. See, Marge, who needs a car wash

32. when you can just drive around in the rain?

33. Mom, Dad, we saw something in the attic! We saw something in the attic!

34. You went into the attic?

35. I'm very disappointed and terrified.

36. Oh, my God, Marge.

37. It's escaped.

38. Yes, doctor.

39. It's what we've always feared.

40. It's loose. Hugo is loose.

41. See you soon.

42. Who or what is Hugo?

43. (sighing) I'm afraid we haven't been

44. entirely honest with you, Bart.

45. You see... you have a brother.

46. So, I have two brothers?

47. Lisa, please.

48. Yes, Bart, you have a twin brother.

49. You see, when you were born, there was...

50. an irregularity.

51. A monstrous irregularity.

52. Yes, I remember Bart's birth well.

53. You don't forget a thing like... Siamese twins.

54. I believe they prefer to be called "conjoined twins."

55. And hillbillies prefer to be called "sons of the soil,"

56. but it ain't gonna happen.

57. Now, normally the birth of Siamese twins

58. is a joyous occasion, but unfortunately

59. one of them was pure evil.

60. I think I'll bottle feed that one.

61. A routine soul smear

62. confirmed the presence of pure evil.

63. It was then I knew the only option

64. was to separate you two immediately.

65. You'll both need to sign these.

66. But what to do with poor Hugo?

67. Too crazy for boys town,

68. too much of a boy for crazy town—

69. the child was an outcast.

70. So we did the only humane thing.

71. We chained Hugo up in the attic like an animal

72. and fed him a bucket of fish heads once a week.

73. It saved our marriage.

74. You expect me to believe all this?

75. If any of it was true,

76. wouldn't I have a big, hideous scar— Wha!

77. We've got to find Hugo.

78. We'll search out every place

79. a sick, twisted, solitary misfit might run to.

80. I'll start with Radio Shack.

81. Right.

82. Bart, you stay home and tape the hockey game.

83. You're here... aren't you?

84. Yes, Bart. I never left you.

85. What do you want from me?

86. You'll see... after the surgery.

87. - You're crazy. - Am I?

88. Well, perhaps we're all a little crazy.

89. I know I am.

90. I went mad after they tore us apart,

91. but I'll be sane once I sew us back together.

92. But you'll kill both of us.

93. No. It's easy. Look, I've been practicing.

94. I made a pigeon-rat.

95. Well, let's get started.

96. You want to be on the right or the left?

97. - (screams) - Hugo, stop!

98. Huh?

99. There, there, Hugo, I understand.

100. All those years caged up in here—

101. why, you've probably never even seen

102. your own face in the mirror, have you?

103. Here.

104. Hmm?

105. We think we saw Hugo at the airport.

106. He was boarding a plane to Switzerland—

107. Oh.

108. You know, isn't it interesting

109. how the left, or sinister twin

110. is invariably the evil one.

111. I had this theory that—

112. Wait a minute.

113. Hugo's scar is on the wrong side.

114. He couldn't have been the evil left twin.

115. That means the evil twin is and always has been... Bart.

116. Oh, don't look so shocked.

117. Well... chalk this one up to carelessness on my part.

118. But I think there's a way to set everything right.

119. Care for a drumstick, Hugo?

120. Mom, Hugo 's eating his napkin.

121. He's so cute.

122. Hey, can I have some turkey?

123. No. You finish your fish heads.

124. Then we'll talk.

125. This tooth will be perfect for my science project.

126. Science has already proven the dangers

127. of smoking, alcohol and Chinese food

128. but I can still ruin soft drinks for everyone.

129. Hey, Lis, check out my science project.

130. Ow! What's that supposed to prove?

131. That nerds conduct electricity.

132. Ow!

133. Ow! Stupid, Bart.

134. Oh, boy, mold.

135. That's science fair pay dirt.

136. Hmm.

137. Looks about the same.

138. Ah.

139. Oh.

140. Tiny little people?

141. My God! I've created life.

142. Lisa! Breakfast! We're having waffles!

143. Ooh, waffles.

144. Hey, these aren't waffles.

145. These are just square pancakes.

146. I'm sorry, honey.

147. The waffle iron's in the shop.

148. That waffle iron's been in the shop forever.

149. So, how are my little stone age tub dwellers?

150. Oh, my gosh.

151. They're evolving so quickly.

152. They've already reached the Renaissance.

153. Wait. One of them is nailing something

154. to the door of the cathedral.

155. (gasping) I've created Lutherans.

156. Wow. It's almost like seeing into the future.

157. Hey, what is this goo? You trying to grow a friend?

158. Hey, you built a model city.

159. Is that the school?

160. Whoops, my finger slipped.

161. Oops, my finger slipped.

162. Oops, my finger slipped.

163. Bart, stop it!

164. Oh, my poor little guys.

165. That Bart is so rude.

166. What the heck?

167. Ah!

168. Ow!

169. Your micro-jerks attacked me.

170. Well, you practically destroyed their whole world.

171. You can't protect them every second.

172. Sooner or later you'll let your guard down and then flush.

173. It's toilet time for tiny town.

174. Aah!

175. It worked! The debigulator worked!

176. Hail, Lisa.

177. Welcome to our world, most gracious Lisa.

178. Your world is incredible,

179. and you speak English.

180. We have listened to you speak

181. since the dawn of time, o, creator

182. and we have learned to imatoot you exarktly.

183. You think I'm God?

184. But of course.

185. You look down on us from heaven.

186. You gave us life

187. and only your divine intervention

188. can save us from the devil.

189. The devil? What devil?

190. The one you call "Bart."

191. Oh, no, no, no, no, you don't understand.

192. Bart's just my brother.

193. The devil is your brother?

194. I must say we find that quite perplexing.

195. Uh, God, hi. Bill Watson.

196. I, uh, live in the Clark building.

197. I have a question. If you're so good,

198. why do you allow bad things to happen?

199. Why am I so fat?

200. Why do bad things happen to good people?

201. Listen, I can take care of everything.

202. All you have to do is unshrink me.

203. Unshrink you?

204. Well, that would require some sort of a rebigulator

205. which is a concept so ridiculous

206. it makes me want to laugh out loud and chortle,

207. uh, but not at you, o holiest of gods

208. with the wrathfulness and the vengeance

209. and the blood-rain

210. and the hey, hey, hey, it hurts me.

211. Look, the destroyer! He returns!

212. Help!

213. Save us, Lisa!

214. Bart, no!

215. First rate work, Bart.

216. This universe you've created

217. is even more impressive than Martin's milk carton ukulele.

218. Willie, you can throw out the other projects.

219. We have a winner.

220. Principal Skinner, wait!

221. I created the universe!

222. Give me the gift certificate!

223. Ah, great.

224. I'm stuck in this lousy tub for the rest of my life.

225. Shouldn't you people be groveling?

226. And bring me some shoes. Nice ones.

227. She'll want socks too. I'll get socks.

228. Ah, the old fishin' hole.

229. So peaceful and relaxing.

230. Doesn't even matter if I catch a single fish.

231. Come on, you stupid fish! Take the bait!

232. Don't make me come down there.

233. What the— Son of a—

234. Oh, my God!

235. Space aliens! Don't eat me!

236. I have a wife and kids!

237. - Eat them! - Silence!

238. We are travelers

239. from a certain nearby ringed planet

240. whose name we'd prefer not to mention.

241. My name is Kang.

242. And this is my sister Kodos.

243. Hello.

244. (gulps) I suppose you want to probe me.

245. Well, might as well get it over with.

246. Stop. We have reached the limits

247. of what rectal probing can teach us.

248. This is a mission of conquest.

249. Take us to your leader.

250. I guess you mean President Clinton.

251. - (zipping) - He usually hangs around Washington, D.C.

252. President Clin-ton.

253. Excellent.

254. Except... um, there's this election next week

255. so after that, it might not be him anymore.

256. It might be what's-his-name, uh, mumbly-Joe...

257. I saw him on TV the other—

258. Uh... Bob Dole.

259. Hmm... an election. That complicates matters.

260. Set grid coordinates for Bob Dole.

261. Well, night everybody.

262. - Good night, senator. - Good luck next week.

263. What?

264. Bob Dole doesn't need this.

265. Wha-wha-what's happening?

266. Is it noon already?

267. What the hell is this, some kind of tube?

268. Hey—

269. Well, thanks for taking care of Dole for me.

270. Hey!

271. Commence bio-duplication.

272. Oh, no. Aliens...

273. bio-duplication, nude conspiracies.

274. Oh, my God! Lyndon Larouche was right!

275. What? Are you still here?

276. I'm afraid we'll have to dispose of you.

277. No! No! What are you spraying me with?

278. Rum. So no one will believe your story.

279. Aah!

280. And don't come back.

281. Kent Brockman here with "Campaign '96."

282. America flips a coin.

283. At an appearance this morning President Clinton made

284. some rather cryptic remarks

285. which aides attributed to an overly tight necktie.

286. I am Clin-ton.

287. As overlord, all will kneel trembling before me

288. and obey my brutal commands.

289. End communication.

290. That's slick Willie for you.

291. Always with the smooth talk.

292. Marge! Marge!

293. There I was, I had just caught

294. the largest fish you'd ever seen,

295. when I was abducted by a flying saucer.

296. Sure you were, rummy.

297. (gasps) That's one of the creatures!

298. Senator Dole, why should people vote for you

299. instead of President Clinton?

300. It makes no difference which one of us you vote for.

301. Either way, your planet is doomed.

302. Doomed!

303. Well, a refreshingly frank response there

304. from Senator Bob Dole.

305. These candidates make me want to vomit in terror.

306. I've got to stop them.

307. Ladies and gentlemen, 73-year-old candidate Bob Dole.

308. Abortions for all.

309. Very well.

310. No abortions for anyone.

311. Hmm.

312. Abortions for some,

313. miniature American flags for others.

314. Fooling these earth voters is easier than expected.

315. Yes. All they want to hear

316. are bland pleasantries

317. embellished by an occasional

318. saxophone solo or infant kiss.

319. Uh, Mr. President, sir,

320. people are becoming a bit confused

321. by the way you and your opponent are,

322. well, constantly holding hands.

323. We are merely exchanging long protein strings.

324. If you can think of a simpler way,

325. I'd like to hear it.

326. My fellow Americans,

327. as a young boy I dreamed of being a baseball.

328. But tonight, I say we must move forward, not backward,

329. upward, not forward,

330. and always twirling, twirling, twirling

331. towards freedom.

332. Stop! Those candidates are phonies!

333. You heard me. They're alien replicons

334. from beyond the moon.

335. Don't forget your stinking flag.

336. Oh, why won't anyone believe my crazy story?

337. - (clanking) - Ow!

338. Hold on, guys. I'll help you.

339. Oh, no, am I still here?

340. I don't want to serve out my term naked in a tube.

341. I am so mad at the secret service right now.

342. Hey, who the hell are you?

343. I'm Homer Simpson, sir.

344. And I'm going to get you back to Washington

345. before it's too late.

346. You know, senator, being in suspended animation

347. gave me time to think.

348. Partisan politics are tearing our country apart.

349. You got a point there, Bill.

350. If you and I are going to whip these one-eyed space fellas,

351. we're gonna have to set aside our differences.

352. Together we can lead America into a new golden age.

353. Friend, you got a deal.

354. Homer, let us out.

355. It's time to tear those aliens a third corn chute.

356. Hmm, hmm, hmm.

357. Num, num, num, num... there.

358. D'oh!

359. Oh, no. What have I done?

360. What am I doing? What will I do?

361. The politics of failure have failed.

362. We need to make them work again.

363. Tomorrow when you are sealed in the voting cubicle,

364. vote for me, Senator Ka— Bob Dole.

365. I am looking forward to an orderly election tomorrow

366. which will eliminate the need

367. for a violent bloodbath.

368. America, take a good look at your beloved candidates.

369. They're nothing but hideous space reptiles.

370. It's true. We are aliens.

371. But what are you going to do about it?

372. It's a two-party system.

373. You have to vote for one of us.

374. He's right. This is a two-party system.

375. Well, I believe I'll vote for a third party candidate.

376. Go ahead— throw your vote away.

377. All hail President Kang.

378. Ow!

379. I don't understand why we have to build a ray gun

380. to aim at a planet I never even heard of.

381. Don't blame me. I voted for Kodos.

382. - (whip cracking) - Oh!

383. CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.